Thursday, 23 September 2010

You've got Charlotte to answer for

Top Four: 20th September 2010

Hello! Welcome to the week I am calling 12. We have four girls left and three more weeks including this one and apparently it will be a three girl final.

No, I can’t work it out either. I think they are banking on Alisha being eliminated next week and turning up on the live show regardless, shouting about THE FIRE and demanding that she walk in the final.

So, to business. Previously on Britain’s Next Top Model - Grace Faceclutches at Amelia doing a shoot for Baby G in Malaysia, Alisha makes an argument over nothing and Amelia goes home.

This week! The girls have a commercial casting and have to eat Durian fruit, Julian has arranged for “Three of Malaysian’s best fashion designers” (sic) to meet the girls and there’s lots of running around so I’m guessing go sees and the heat is turned up for a jungle photoshoot where someone starts sprinting.

Credits! I forgot about half of these people. I especially hadn’t noticed the croissant on Olivia’s head. I also wish Hannah had given it more of a go. I also wonder why they shoot the credits before the makeovers? Why can’t the credits be the first challenge? HMMM. [I assume they shoot the credits first to avoid makeover spoilers, but I like the idea of filming the credits being the first challenge. - Steve]

Anyway, We get to see Amelia leave AGAIN. Charlotte thinks that being in the bottom two so late in the competition leaves her dangling by a thread, but she’s still here and staying positive and hoping for a good shot this week.

Back in the hotel room after elimination they read Amelia’s letter. Alisha doesn’t freak out that it can’t go on the fridge and isn’t worried about the symmetry so I suspect that little episode, like the fear of heights, was completely fabricated too.

She’s keeping it short and sweet because of the heat. She loves Alisha and has faith in her. Tiffany’s Amelia’s beloved room buddy. Tiffany folds like a class of primary school girls who have just been shown how to make fortune tellers. Yes, Little Miss Dry Your Eyes cracks the robot façade. Once the robot overlord is vanquished, she still doesn’t get her real voice back, so it’s not all good news. Alisha reminds us that Tiffany doesn’t cry, but she does, because it’s all about Alisha. She’s taken aback that Tiffany would cry over a letter.

To Joy for some sanity. Come on Joy!

No! Joy doesn’t miss Amelia because it’s a competition. She’s not wasting her time missing people.

*sets up a "We <3 Joy Facebook Group*

We don’t get to say what Amelia says about Charlotte. Perhaps because it was TERMINALLY DULL, or about how Charlotte looks like the dragon that looks like the cow that looks like her dog? WE’LL NEVER KNOW. This makes me sad

FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE ALERT. (Just the lesser spotted Dog Days Are Over)

“Teetotal” Alisha calls all the girls for champagne to toast the final four. This is met with WOO’s. Charlotte remembers that there were once fourteen girls and now there are four. Alisha is proud of herself for making the final four. She’s ecstatic to be there. Tiffany’s not satisfied with just final four, Joy’s surprised to still be there, she didn’t believe in her self at the beginning. She hastily adds that she does now. Charlotte has got no idea who’s going home this week, but thinks that if she’s in the bottom two this week she may go home. Oh no! It can’t be the foreshadow edit? CAN IT?


The E-Mail tells the girls to prepare for a culture shock and they have to be ready at 9am (love Elle) . Charlotte’s eyes go really wide. Tiffany doesn’t think it sounds good. Charlotte interviews that it’s either going to be a good surprise or a bad surprise. She hopes it’s a good one. I thought a bad surprise was called a shock but obviously I was wrong. I R LERNIN!

Charlotte thinks it might be about food. Tiffany tells us that someone said it might be about food. Alisha says in a PERFECTLY NATURAL TONE OF VOICE “What if we have to eat that fruit?” Tiffany tells us about how they tasted Durian Fruit and it was horrible. They all testify to it’s disgustingness.

Charlotte tells us that as she drove past the mountains and the jungle, the thought did cross her mind that they were going to be dumped into the jungle. But it’s ok, they are at an amazing location of a waterfall. Alisha tells us that there are rocks and green leaves there alongside water and birds. Joy tells us that there were shacks there. They all think it’s lovely. Joy thinks it’s like a photo from a travel brochure that you look at and realise you will never be able to afford to go. Aww.

Alisha tells us that when they arrived at the spa, there was someone standing there and they were confused because they’d never seen the person before. Imagine it Alisha. Meeting someone you don’t know in a foreign country. It’s unthinkable.

The person is Juan Zainal and they are a casting director. Juan is of indeterminate gender. Juan has done castings for commercials all over the world. Charlotte is upset they have to drag themselves away from the island paradise to do a casting. Joy pulls an amazing “Oh no” face which she manages to pull into a smile.

For the first part of the commercial they will be eating the dreaded Durian fruit. Charlotte said that this was bad for everyone. For the second part of the commercial they will be putting their feet in the fish spa for a foot massage . Juan wants them to be convincing and enthusiastic. She’s seen this before.

Alisha was happy at the prospect of shooting the commercial, because she likes talking and all that stuff. Juan is looking for a girl with confidence who can act and take direction whilst being as natural as possible. Good luck with this lot then Juan! *thumbs up*

Joy is first. She has to eat the Durian fruit like it’s delicious. She interviews that it’s BLEEP disgusting. Juan wants her to maintain her composure.

According to the girls Durian fruit tastes like the following:

  • Sweaty feet
  • Vomit
  • Congealed rotting flesh
  • Onions
  • Cheese
  • Other people’s vomit
  • Rotten cheese
  • Rotten eggs
  • Rotten fish
  • Dead animals

  • According to my friends that come from Malaysia (I have two) Durian fruit SMELLS like all of these things but tastes absolutely delicious. I surmise from my research that this bit could possibly be a bit contrived.

    Juan reminds Joy of what we all know, her real feelings are going to show on her face. Joy shows off her Hollyoaks acting skills. She doesn’t adapt her accent, says the name of the fruit wrong and pulls a face. Juan wants her to do it again.

    There is a montage of all the girls getting the name of the fruit wrong. Alisha interviews that she knows some people may think she’s exaggerating (Alisha?! Surely not…) but she thinks the fruit could probably kill someone. More montage of sniffing and eating the fruit and Charlotte doing a boke.

    Next up is the Doctor Fish. Of course, Charlotte LOVES them and they are FAB. For the uninitiated, the Doctor Fish actually eat the dead skin from off your feet. Can I get an ewww? [I was ewwing, but specifically at the close-ups of people's feet. I hate feet. *shudder* - Steve]

    Charlotte enjoyed the experience because she thought the fish might have enjoyed her scabby dancer’s feet that are covered in dead skin. Alisha thought it was weird remembering her lines and having her feet eaten by fish. She said it was like wearing shoes made of fish that were nibbling. I notice that Alisha’s feet are HOOGE.

    Alisha notes that Joy was scared of the fish. Joy’s face shows exactly how much. Alisha reports that Joy kicked the fish off her feet and Alisha had to remind her that fish have feelings too.

    Joy tells us that it was creepy. She even got one stuck between her toes. I’m with you Joy, that can’t be nice.

    Juan thinks that Joy has potential but she lacks self confidence. She thinks Tiffany is edgy and has what it takes. She thinks Alisha is a bit over confident (NEVER!) and she needs to pull back a bit and not try so hard. Finally, Charlotte did brilliantly. She took direction and showed poise.

    Coming up! Julian says “Malaysian’s top fashion designers” again and reminds Joy that Britain’s Next Top Model must be able to do everything.


    More Malaysiaporn! An E- Mail! Reminding the girls that they must always be ready for anything and that Julien is waiting for them and they have ten minutes to get ready. Joy interviews that when she heard that they were meeting Julien she thought “For Christ’s sake, not this man again” followed by an excellent snort.

    *badgers all my friends to join my “I <3 Joy Facebook group*


    The girls meet Julien who reminds them that the relationship between a fashion designer and their models is absolutely crucial. It’s a very thinly veiled threat. He’s arranged for them to see “Three of Malaysian’s top fashion designers” (Just so you know, I never get tired of typing that). He gives them their portfolios and a map and sends them off on go-sees and will meet them later to see how they get on. Alisha thinks it will be a couple of missions.

    The girls pair up. Alisha with Joy and Tiffany with Charlotte. [And I get to indulge my BNTM/Amazing Race crossover fantasies again. - Steve] The latter try to plan their route with a map. Tiffany complains that Charlotte liked to say her part. Very restrained of you, Tiffany. Alisha and Joy begin by circling locations on their map. They decide to ask for help. Joy asks the poor bloke, who doesn’t know, if a taxi driver would know, complete with mime. Joy enjoyed finding her way round because she likes to use her initiative. Alisha just wanted to get there. They get in a taxi and find their way to the first casting.

    Charlotte confesses that their first location was right in front of them, but they missed it and talked to six people about where to go. She later changes this to one person, who turned out to be the right person to ask.

    First of all, we see Tiffany and Charlotte in a shop called Jendela and they meet a man called Faisol Abadullah who thinks they are both beautiful. He tells us that when he’s casting for a model he looks for how he is going to interpret the look he has in mind. Tiffany interviews that he was really friendly and he made them feel welcome. She was happy that he took his time looking at her portfolio. Faisol does indeed seem lovely and thinks that Tiffany could indeed be a good catwalk model because she has the strut.

    Next up, Alisha and Joy arrive at what looks like the actual home of a lady called Tom Abang Saufi. Tom knows as soon as she sees a girl whether or not she has what it takes to be a catwalk model or whether she would be better being photographed, because they are different things. Alisha thinks her clothes are beautiful. Joy was expecting Malaysian fashion designers but wasn’t expecting traditional Malaysian clothes. Don’t make me lose faith in you Joy. Tom thinks she would use Joy for photographic work as she can really change her face with makeup. Joy is asked to walk. We see Joy failing at walking interspersed with interviews with Alisha about how Joy can’t walk. Alisha thinks Joy’s walk is like death, like going to a funeral. Tom asks if she’s having problems with the sarong because she seems quite stiff. Joy says she’s fine. Alisha creases up in her cutaway. Alisha then shows it how it’s done. Tom thinks she’s got the potential to be a supermodel as she looks good in photos and she can do runway. Joy interviews that she thought Alisha did really well and unconvincingly tells us that it was interesting to see how other people cope in that situation.

    We see Tiffany and Charlotte arrive at Carven Ong’s shop. Charlotte tells us that Carven is the opposite of Faisol, because he was less friendly and didn’t take a lot of time looking at her portfolio. Charlotte gets a stunning dress, but it doesn’t fit her. Carven wants her to pull her dress a bit. Carven thinks that her figure needs to be a bit fitter, but she is very pretty.

    We then see team Joy/Alisha meet lovely Faisol, but Joy gets her hand crushed. Alisha thinks Joy’s dress is lovely, but interviews through tears of laughter that Joy’s walk was still dead. Joy interviews that she hates Catwalking, but at least Faisol didn’t tell her to stop. Lovely Faisol is too lovely to say she’s rubbish. He interviews that she seemed to be enjoying what she was doing, so if she wants to do it for fun, she should go for it. Ouch.

    Charlotte and Tiffany run to meet Tom. Charlotte thinks she’s a legend because she looked at her and the colour of her hair to pick an outfit that matches what she‘s like. Tom asks Charlotte if she’s still got long hair, and she demonstrates how long it is by cupping her boobs. Tom doesn’t think that Charlotte is versatile, and there is a very specific market for her looks. Tom thinks that Tiffany has the makings of a supermodel because it’s not just about looks, it’s about attitude and Tiffany has the right attitude.

    Joy and Alisha arrive at Carven’s shop. Joy says his stuff is a lot more couture than the other designers. She’s put in a Geisha dress, which she thinks is nice, but does he not realise that she can’t walk properly anyway? Alisha corpses in her interview again. She thought that Joy would’ve improved by her third casting, but she got worse. Joy was thinking about how a Geisha would walk on a catwalk. Joy decides to walk with her arms out. She looks like a zombie scarecrow. Carven tactfully says that he thinks Joy is interesting, and she looks good in photos. He says her catwalk wasn’t confident.

    Alisha tells us that when they got back in the taxi, Joy told her that she thought that Alisha had done very well. Alisha wishes she could say the same for Joy and her death walk, because that walk was bleep and rubbish.

    Back at the penthouse, Julien has the girls’ reports. He tells Joy that the designers thought that she was a great photographic model but when it came to the catwalk she was weak. Joy tells Julien that she expected to hear it. She tells him that she thought she was ok on the first two, but she wants to improve. She interviews that she thought she had improved, even though she knew she was atrocious on the third one. She doesn’t think she did that badly. Julien tells her that if she can’t be a catwalk model she’s not going to win the competition, because the winner will have to do everything.

    Julien then tells Charlotte that all the designers thought that she was really beautiful, but they weren’t sure if she was a catwalk model. Charlotte tells Julien she is confused because two of the designers told her that she walked confidently. Julien replied that the one of the designers said that her catwalk was average. Alisha interviews gleefully that comments like that really get to Charlotte because she’s been in the bottom two twice, but she’s trying her best to improve, but it’s obvious she’s not trying hard enough. Charlotte interviews that it wasn’t a good feeling to be told your walk is average.

    Alisha does her best modest face when receiving her feedback. It’s not a brilliant modest face. All the designers really liked her and she has a modern look that they haven’t seen before. Alisha interviews that she had great feedback and she was the favourite of one of the designers.

    Finally, Tiffany. Julien tells her that all of the designers liked her. They thought she was strong, confident and great on the catwalk and she‘s the challenge winner. Tiffany interviews that she really needed to win, as she’s been getting worried about the competition and trying to work harder and it’s nice to show that the work is paying off.

    Julien ends the conversation with a word of advice for everyone. They must be focused, work hard and really try to give their best picture.

    Back at the hotel, there’s another E-mail. Read by Tiffany it says “Hi ladies, prepare to be at one with mother nature. Go wild but no monkeying around. Be ready at 8am tomorrow love Elle. Alisha and Charlotte shout “Mother Nature!” at the same time. Joy thinks that they are going to be “in leaves or something”. Alisha thinks it will be like Adam and Eve. We see more of her deduction process in her interview, where she deduces that there will be monkeys, and she loves monkeys. Who doesn’t?

    Coming up! Charley in the jungle! Alisha’s worried about elimination, Charlotte doesn’t think Alisha is worried!

    Adverts! I can’t comment on the adverts. I have to write these watching on you tube as the pausing and rewinding drives Mr Helen mad. Sorry!

    After the break, we’re in the jungle, which Charlotte thinks is AMAZING and AWESOME. Alisha thinks it’s a bit scary because of the trees but she’s excited. Alisha interviews that she got to the end of the bridge and saw Charley Speed, so she wanted to get there speedily. Nobody likes a kiss arse Alisha. Or people that make appalling jokes (nb, don’t read my twitter feed re. the latter point). Charley tells them that their shoot this week will take part right here in the jungle, which is just outside Kuala Lumpur. He says, in a way that NO WAY sounds like it’s from a script, that the shoot will combine the influences of the bustling city and the serenity of mother nature. The pictures will appear in one of Malaysia’s top society magazines. Allan will be taking the pictures of them wearing clothes from Malaysian drivers.

    Joy likes it when there are judges on a shoot because they have to try harder, and because it’s been a while since Charley’s seen them work she has a chance to show him how she’s improved. Tiffany reminds us that her shoot wasn’t that successful last week so she needs to give more choice this week by doing lots of poses. Charlotte’s going to try to forget about last week’s bottom two placing and give out lots of poses and do her best. Alisha is excited, but has to up her game because there are four of them now, and her picture was fifty fifty last week. [By which she presumably means 50% man and 50% woman. - Steve]

    Alisha’s up first. Charley asks how she’s feeling. She’s raring to go. Alisha tells us that she was sat on a tree trunk but didn’t think it was showing the dress off to the best so she suggests standing on the tree. “Me and my big mouth” she says. I wouldn’t be worried about your big mouth Alisha, it’s mostly the reason I think you’re still there. She says she was told to be edgy and fierce and that’s right up her street. Allan was surprised that when he told her to be edgy she managed it. Charley thought she was fantastic, showed lots of variation and got the criteria that was needed. That doesn’t even make sense, Charley. Alisha comes back to the hut where makeup is happening and tells everyone how good it was. Under the guise of telling everyone how good it is she slips in a marvellous psyche out about how hot it is and that the sun will be shining in their face. Good work Alisha.

    Joy’s next. Allan tells her she wants her to be edgy rather than a beauty pose. She interviews that she had a couple of trees to work with. Allan tells her that he wants her to be uncomfortable. Allan thinks Joy did a good job, because she used her arms and replicated the shape of the tree, which is what he wanted to see. Joy interviews that Allan wanted her to hold some of her poses and that they were uncomfortable. Charley wants her to let go more. Charley thinks that when she does let it go, she stops herself. Joy thinks she could have done more if she had more time.

    Charley wants Tiffany to bring some of her Tiffany Magic. I’m guessing that the magic that makes her voice devoid of emotion is not what he wants to see. Allan wants her to cling on a vine, or hang on it. Tiffany interviews that she wasn’t sure that she could hang off the branches, and that if didn’t feel safe at all. She didn’t let that get to her though. Charley says that if the competition was a race, Tiffany has just started sprinting, but from working with her before he was expecting a bit more. He still thinks she pulled out the moves though. Tiffany attempts a baby psyche out when she gets back to the makeup hut about how many poses she did, but it’s not on the level of Alisha’s stealth one. Nice try though, Tiffany.

    Finally, Charlotte. She interviews that Charley reminded her that her previous two editorial shots didn’t go down to well with the panel, so she had to go for it. She really enjoyed the shoot, it was the best for her, she was really focused on getting the shot and the fact that she had a huge dress in hot weather and that there were bugs biting her back didn’t bother her. Allan thinks that Charlotte is pretty, nice and sweet and that’s the problem when you want edgy shots. You need a sense of bitchness. Charley tells us that Charlotte has a problem with editorial shoots. She has a great commercial look but she doesn’t have the imagination for edgy poses. He thinks that she will look good in the photo because she is a pretty girl and she tries hard and is conscientious, so you never know.

    E-Mail time back at the hotel. Charlotte interviews that everyone is keeping themselves to themselves, because nobody wants to go and they all think they want it more than the others. The E-Mail reads “Hi Ladies, it’s been a hot and busy week but for one of you it will be your last supper here in Malaysia. Enjoy your evening and I’ll see you tomorrow, love Elle.”

    Alisha interviews that she’s worried about elimination. Charlotte doesn’t think that Alisha is worried. Tiffany thinks that Joy is nervous because she did badly in the commercial and that Charlotte is worried too. Joy doesn’t know how she would take it if she went home this week because when she was in the bottom two she wanted to punch someone.

    *Orders “I <3 Joy” T-Shirts*

    Tiffany doesn’t think she’s safe, she never does. Charlotte doesn’t think it will be her this week on the basis that she literally gave everything on the shoot. Alisha has come so far and she wants to go further and further. She’s so close, she can taste “Britain’s Next Top Model”. I bet it tastes fierce.

    Coming up! Tears! Elle Tears!


    In the elimination room, there is some spectacular fake tan. We hear about the prizes again. Grace greets the girls with “Wazzup Divas!” and the guest judge is Bernard Chandran who is a Malaysian fashion designer who has “even” shown at London Fashion Week. Elle tells the girls that this year there will be three girls in the finale, and those girls will be walking for Bernard.

    Alisha is first. Her photo isn’t good at all. I’m not sure if it’s Alisha’s fault or the photographer but it seems a bit cheap and wrong. Elle says that she always notices Alisha’s legs and arms. She needs to point her toes to extend these legs further. Julien likes it, but it’s not his favourite. He likes it because she has an incredible, athletic body but she has to learn how to make it work for her. Bernard thinks it’s a nice picture. Bernard says he would cast her without the book because she is amazing in person. Alisha sees this as a compliment. I thought a stealth bitch such as herself would be able to see the backhanded nature of that comment but no dice. He has to explain it and she still doesn’t look like it. Charley says that he was impressed with her work on the day and thought she did better photos than the one chosen.

    Elle then says that she knows that Alisha really wants this, and being in the competition is like a dream come true but she wants to hear why it’s important to her. Alisha says that she’s proud to be standing there as the last black girl and she knows that there are a lot of people at home rooting for her. She’s also doing it for herself because there are a lot of people who told her that she couldn’t do it. I think it’s worth pointing out that Alisha’s voice has cracked at this point but there are no tears. Julien tells her she’s done really well. Grace tells her she’s ruined her makeup. THAT’S WHAT REAL TEARS DO, ALISHA. She manages to squeeze out a tear as Elle tells her that it’s great to see her up there. She apologises for the crying.

    Next is “Miss Tiff“. Elle says that she wants to call her “Mischief”. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE ELLE. AHAHAHA!! Tiffany’s picture looks like a still from an 80’s action comedy where a glamorous woman has to walk through the jungle in heels for lols. She looks like she’s slipped and is holding on to the vine. Julien wants to like it, but he doesn’t. He thinks the angle is awkward and she looks like she’s about to get off a swing. Elle hasn’t seen her face look this beautiful and thinks the (long) hair (hee!) and makeup really work for her. She admits that the body is awkward and the shape of the dress doesn’t work for her but she’s not looking at that because she looks gorgeous. Tiffany is an elfin, pixie girl in Graces head and what she wanted to see tropical creature in a fabulous frock in the jungle and she’s not getting that.

    Elle asks why she wants to be one of the final three. Tiffany says that she has always studied and loved fashion. She has a passion for it and she feels that she belongs here. She also thinks that she can do more.

    Charlotte next. Elle comments that she looks beautiful. Charlotte replies that she’s trying to be more sexy for Julien. So barking up the wrong tree there, sweetie. The panel agree she looks sexy grudgingly. It works though, and Julien thinks that it’s the best picture he’s ever seen of her. I agree. He thinks it looks like an American Vogue Alice In Wonderland shoot. Elle asks Bernard what he sees. He thinks it’s good that she managed to stand on ground that wasn’t flat and made the dress look good. Charley has to say that she’s lucky to have got that shot because she struggled the most.

    Charlotte is asked why she wants to be one of the final three. She says she’s not going to cry but she totally is. Grace settles in to watch. She says that when she was at school she didn’t fit in. She really struggled to understand why she was around girls that got everything. She loves modelling, not only can she do it, she’s learning how to do more so to be stood where she is is a dream come true and she doesn’t want it to finish, she wants to keep learning. Charley tells her well done.

    Finally, Joy. She’s pushing her tree up in her photo. It’s the kind of pose she would have used as an example in a joke about modelling in the first few weeks. Elle asks Grace about the shot from a stylist’s perspective. Grace says that to her, the girl she saw in the first few weeks had burnt hair and funny poise and not anybody would guess from the shot that she wasn’t aristocracy. Julien thinks her back is weird and she looks awkward. She looks like she’s pushing the tree like a monster and not a princess. It’s OK, but not her best. Julien tells her that if anyone deserves to win it’s her because she’s done so well to make it this far. She should stick with and be strong and she can do it. Joy starts crying and shows some very badly fake tanned hand action.

    Elle remarks that she really wants it. It’s Joy’s begging section! I’m so looking forward to this. She never thought she could do anything like this, she didn’t believe in herself. She also wants to do it for her family and to prove everyone that was nasty to her wrong.

    Pah. *cancels the T Shirts”

    Grace is proud of her too. Elle remarks that it’s taken a lot of courage to get this far.

    Elle remarks on the tension in the room, but when the panel return, they will be finding out which three girls will be walking in the catwalk show.


    Elle reminds the judges that they have to make the difficult decision about who goes home. Julien fell in love with Alisha from the moment he saw her and falls in love with her more each week. Bernard thinks she’s amazing in person. Grace thinks she has the potential to win. Elle thinks Charlotte’s awkward when she poses. Julien thinks that she looks like beauty in paradise. All the fashion designers love Tiffany. Bernard puts in a good word for her hair. Charley thinks she has come so far in the competition and she has lots to offer. Julien can’t make his mind up about her. Grace tells us that even as a big gob, Joy renders her speechless. Julien thinks she looks expensive in expensive clothes. Elle tells the judges that they have to decide which three girls are right to move to the next stage of the competition. I think that means they won’t just be judging on this weeks photographs.

    Elle believes that she has the best four girls in the competition in front of her. Yes, Elle. That’s the point of the competition. She is proud of them. She’s only got three photos in her hand though.

    Tiffany is called first. She’s followed by Joy.

    Alisha and Charlotte step forward. Elle’s only got one photo and it belongs to Alisha. Charlotte and Elle hug it out. Elle tells her she did a good job, and she’s going to do so much more. Elle then does a little cry. I don‘t think she‘s entirely happy with the decision. Charlotte grins and curtseys on her way out.

    Charlotte always said that she would come there and enjoy it and do the best she could. She did. She’s enjoyed every second and did the best she could. It’s emotional because she put so much in and didn’t get what she wanted, but she’ll keep pushing forward. She doesn’t know who’s going to win and she doesn’t want to guess. She thinks they need to work really hard because they are in the final. Despite sore feet, mosquito bites, late nights and early mornings they need to smile because she’d die to be in the final. As illogical as that is.

    Join Steven next week for a very special beach photoshoot, pressure for Joy in the finale preparations (plus some very whacky walking from Alisha) and the judges doing something they have never done before. Woo!

    Saturday, 18 September 2010

    A general air of Malays

    Top 5 (again): 13th September 2010

    Previously: Nicky Johnston turned up at the house to test the girls' photography and artistic direction skills, and Amelia held the camera backwards and ended up taking 42 pictures of her own eyeball, which made Nicky ANGRY. Then George Lamb popped in and Alisha yelled "MINT SAUCE!" at him in her ongoing quest to annoy everyone in the United Kingdom, then Terry O'Neill photographed the girls alongside the thighs of some rugby players (NB. The rest of the rugby players' bodies may also have been in the shot; I wasn't paying attention) and the most clearly telegraphed non-elimination ever saw all the girls discovering they were going to Malaysia.

    Happening imminently: a night-time shoot in Malaysia, which Amelia thinks is a bit of a disaster. Sorry, I probably should have made sure you were sitting down before revealing shocking information like that. And the girls meet Jimmy Choo. Five girls remain, but only one of them can be Britain's Next Top Model.

    Titles! I miss Kirsty and her penis hat that was made out of her hair.

    Gravel outside Model Manor. The girls celebrate their imminent departure with champagne; no doubt their neighbours are doing likewise. Alisha reminds the slower members of the audience that there are five of them left, but only one of them can win. Since Alisha likes to find fault with everything, I assume this is her way of telling us that she thinks she'd do the opening narration much better than Elle does. The girls pack. Alisha says she's never been to Malaysia before and is very excited, but she's aware that it's still very much a business trip. Joy informs us that she isn't messing about, and will continue to do what she does best, which is deadpan commentary. Sorry, "modelling". Amelia thinks this will be the biggest test of the competition. She also has a sexual invitation written on her shirt in French, but luckily for the censors, her hair is cascading down over enough of it to ensure that impressionable youngsters in the audience are unlikely to be corrupted. Tiffanuh is living her dream at the moment. Charlotte is in it to win it.

    Grainy-ass stock footage of an airliner stands in for their actual journey, and then we are in Malaysia. The girls pull up outside The Ritz-Carlton at Starhill Gallery. I would love it if this turned out to be merely the venue for a production staffer to hand them their keys for the Premier Inn on the other side of town. Sadly, I am disappointed, as the girls get out of their car to witness some Genuine Malaysian Culture. Some people have dressed up as a dragon to perform a ritualistic dance; this reminds Amelia of her dog, and that total lack of imagination is presumably why her photos are always so terrible.[I demand to see this DragonCowDog and demand to know why it's in Amelia's possesion rather than the circus - Helen] More dancers block the doors. Alisha rhapsodises about how utterly amazing it all is. After the dancing, the girls applaud, and then a flunky from the hotel tells them that they will be staying in the Ritz-Carlton's "luxurious penthouse". Charlotte cannot get upstairs fast enough.

    The penthouse is awesome. It has a grand piano, for crying out loud, and what appears to be a private roof garden with a pool. Charlotte strips down to her (mismatched, how embarrassing!) bra and knickers and jumps in, followed by Joy, who is not wearing a bra at all, God love her. Alisha pushes Amelia into the pool, as detailed on page 65 of The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People. Joy's unfettered norks bounce merrily around in the water. Tiffany slips in daintily with a t-shirt covering her top half, Alisha climbs in with her dress on.

    Later, the girls sit around in their complimentary dressing gowns while Charlotte reads an E-Mail. "Hello girls, welcome to Malaysia. The world of fashion is about to take you to dizzy new heights. A special guest awaits you on the Petronas bridge. Be there at 2pm." The girls debate whether this will be a shoot, or whether it will just involve meeting someone. Joy thinks they might be meeting Jimmy Choo, as he's from Malaysia. A gold star to Joy for knowing that, because I didn't.

    They head to the Petronas Towers (which Amelia rather unfortunately refers to as "the twin towers") and spot someone who Charlotte equally unfortunately refers to as "this dinky little man". It is, of course, Jimmy Choo. They are all massively starstruck. Joy admits that Jimmy Choo is the only designer whose appearance she would actually recognise in person. Amelia introduces herself thusly: "Nice to meet you. I'm from Wales." I was really hoping this would lead to a hilarious mix-up in which Jimmy Choo thought her name was Fromwales, but once again I am disappointed; instead, he tells her that he has friends from Wales. I bet he's talking about Shirley Bassey. Or possibly Gethin Jones. Jimmy Choo tells the girls that modelling is hard work, so they must love what they're doing. Alisha thinks he's an inspiration, even though this is what everyone has been telling them since week one. Charlotte says that he has amazing eyes. Jimmy Choo sends them out to explore his country and "do a lot of shopping". The girls do as they are bidden and head out to explore Kuala Lumpur. They find some local cuisine and dare Joy to eat some of it, and at this point I wish I were watching The Amazing Race instead. Actually, Joy and Tiffany would be an awesome Amazing Race team. Joy explains in an interview that everything in Malaysia is different and not like England, rolling her eyes as she says it, because she's clearly been prompted to say so by a producer and is aware of how thick it makes her sound. Charlotte enjoys being submerged in a new culture.

    An ad break, even though nothing interesting has happened yet. Oh God, are The Script back already?

    Back at the penthouse, there is E-Mail, read by Amelia: "Hi girls, put on your dancing shoes as tomorrow you'll be performing Malay style. Good luck." Charlotte is SO EXCITED. Alisha loves dancing. Joy tells us that everyone else who is here has had dance lessons at some point in their lives, and therefore they are all dirty ringers. Oops, sorry, wrong show. Joy, of course, has not. The next day, the girls are taken out into a picturesque landscape full of greenery, where they meet Datin Azanin Dato' Ahmad, who is an internationally acclaimed dancer and choreographer from Malaysia, she tells us. Each girl must perform in character as a historical figure, and they will all be given special costumes. She wants them to perform individually and also to each other. Joy must play the role of a warrior queen, with sharp and alert movements. Amelia is a princess warrior queen, and must do a lot of finger flickering. Stop laughing at the back. Charlotte is a princess of the mountain, and has a fan prop, which she can use as a weapon. Alisha's character is a woman who all the men are in love with, but she's faithful to her husband. And she has a puppet. Tiffany is the lady of the lake and must dance fluidly. Tiffany doesn't know how the other girls are feeling but suspects that non-dancer Joy will be nervous. She's right: Joy thinks she can't even walk without falling over. Alisha thinks a lot of the other girls aren't taking this as a challenge (shot of Joy gurning heroically), but she's taking it all very seriously. Shocker, right? Joy and Amelia giggle that they have no idea what they're doing.

    Amelia has to dance first, and was a bit nervous about trying to move. She seems to be doing reasonably well, though Alisha criticises her in a VT for not moving from the spot she started on. Charlotte says that she wanted to get the story across; once again we go to Alisha for feedback, who seems to have confused herself with her namesake from Strictly Come Dancing. Alisha complains that Charlotte's dancing didn't relate to her character. Charlotte says that she loves improvisation dance, so this task was perfect for her. Alisha is next, and thinks that she had the hardest task, because she had a puppet. Then there's Joy, who looks entirely lost. Alisha thinks she looked like she had daggers and was "dagging the air". Ah, the verb 'to dag'. I dag, she dags, we all have daggen. Tiffany was worried because everyone else had done well, and felt the pressure with everyone looking at her. Alisha thought she looked phenomenal in her purple outfit. Afterwards, Datin Azanin tells them all that they really moved her with their interpretations of her dance movements, but the girl who impressed her most is...Charlotte! Alisha looks thunderous. She whinges in a VT that "Charlotte wins everything, even if she's bad." I'm so glad no one told Alisha that the outcome of this series would be decided by a public vote. Charlotte wins herself some designer clothes from top fashion designer the House of Raoul. Charlotte's allowed to pick another girl to share the prize with her, and picks Joy, because they were both in last week's fake bottom two and need a bit of cheering up.

    Charlotte and Joy go shopping. They examine lots of outfits. Joy picks up a colourful dress and thinks it's something Amelia might wear: "all it needs is some sequins." Snerk. They select shoes and bags. Charlotte thinks the others will be jealous when they return with their designer swag. Back at the penthouse, there is E-Mail floating in the pool. Alisha reads it. "Hi ladies, you've all been dancing, but now it's time to get official. Dress to impress, meet me at 3pm." Tiffany deduces that they are going to meet Elle. No flies on her, are there? Alisha and Charlotte figure that the not-terribly-subtle inclusion of the word "official" means that there'll be some sort of VIP with Elle, so everyone goes off to have a wardrobe crisis. Conveniently, a woman walks into the penthouse and informs them that she will be dressing them all today in Malaysian outfits. And they all look very pretty once she's finished, which is handy.

    Alisha interviews that they were "invited to a very special event by the 'hierarchy' in Malaysia." The air quotes she put around "hierarchy" and the incorrect context in which she used it suggest to me that Alisha isn't entirely sure what that word means. Amelia is excited that they are going to a formal dinner because she loves etiquette. Elle turns up, also in Malaysian clothing, and has a little chat with the girls, telling them that their strength of character will get them to the next level, and it's now about who they are as much as what they look like. The girls are all quite relieved by her advice. Elle warns them all to be polite, and everyone laughs nervously.

    Yb Dato' Sri Dr Ng Yen Yen, the Malaysian Minister of Tourism, welcomes "Ellie" (hee!) and the models to Malaysia on behalf of the government. Then there is more Malaysian dancing, and a banquet, and the girls pose for photographs with people who are presumably quite important. Charlotte interviews that she spent ages worrying about observing the correct etiquette, and ended up just copying whatever Elle was doing. Heh. Then the girls take part in some traditional dancing, which Tiffany finds slightly alarming. Jimmy Choo is there too, throwing some shapes.

    After the dinner, the girls go to a bar, which also has a swimming pool. They look at how beautiful the city is. Joy says that she'd have been happy stuck in a tent as long as she was in Malaysia. Alisha interviews that she was "not herself" that night (which must, logically, have been an improvement) and left the table "to release some negative energy", which presumably means she went off to record her interview segments for the rest of the episode. [I presumed it meant crying audibly in the toilets until someone had noticed she'd gone - Helen] The girls discuss her after she's gone, of course, and whether she should go home if she's not enjoying herself. Charlotte would hate it if Alisha went home, regretting the fact that she hadn't enjoyed herself. I, on the other hand, would quite enjoy that. Tiffany thinks that someone has got to go home and she just doesn't want it to be her. Charlotte recounts an incident in which she asked Alisha if she was okay, and Alisha snapped at her, and decides that she won't bother caring next time. Joy's all "this is why I don't bother with human emotions."

    Ad break. Maybe it's just became I'm a man, but Eat Pray Love looks awful.

    Back at the Penthouse, there is yet more E-Mail, read by Charlotte. "Hi girls, one of the first rules of being a successful model is being on time. Be ready at 4pm." Charlotte wonders if they're doing a sunset shoot. Amelia wonders if the shoot is going to go on all night.

    And then there is drama. Alisha interviews that when they got back, Amelia took her to one side and said that people had been talking about her after she left the table. Ooh, the little stirrer! Charlotte interviews, sounding slightly tearful, that as far as she was aware, she'd read the E-Mail and there were no problems, and then she was confronted. Alisha announces to the room that she wants to say something "to everyone": she doesn't appreciate people talking about her behind her back, and she saw whose lips were moving. Charlotte tells Alisha that she was just saying she didn't want Alisha to be here and be sad and then regret that if she went home (and while we don't have the entire conversation to refer to, we do at least know that she isn't lying about having said that), and Alisha tells Charlotte that if she wants to "have the little attitude thing" then that's fine, but she's heard the other things Charlotte's said about her. Just so we're clear, this is the same Alisha who has been talking shit about everyone for weeks. Charlotte's all "what exactly am I supposed to have said?" Alisha tells her that she wants her to just be honest and admit that she said it. Charlotte's all "yes, and I will, once I determine what the hell you're actually going on about, you mad bitch." At this point Amelia interjects: "if you've got a bad negative vibe, and you don't appreciate your place in the competition, I don't think that's a really nice thing to come out with, because that is what was said." In the interests of fair and balanced recapping, at this point I scan back to the inflammatory conversation just to check I'm not misremembering it. Charlotte says, verbatim: "I would hate for her to go home and then just regret the fact that she hasn't enjoyed herself, or like tried--" and then Tiffany cuts her off. Now, obviously context is key, but that doesn't sound to me like Charlotte's suggesting Alisha doesn't "appreciate her place" in the competition. The only person we hear actually saying the words "people who don't want to be here" is Tiffany, and we don't even have any evidence that she was talking about Alisha. So, in short, I'm not entirely convinced that Amelia isn't just creating drama for her own amusement here.

    Right, back to the argument in question: Tiffany cops up to saying that if people don't want to be here, then they should go home. She claims, however, she didn't mean Alisha. "We were saying that we think you've been really sad today," Charlotte explains, and Tiffany adds "yeah, everyone was backing you up!" I'm not entirely sure that's an entirely accurate account of the conversation either. I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle. Either way, Alisha warily considers the matter resolved. Charlotte interviews that she's not here to bitch, she's here to win a modelling competition. The fourfour fan in me wishes she'd said "I am here to make friends!" Tiffany interviews that the whole thing got blown out of proportion, but people were saying things they shouldn't have said and winding people up. Finally: some sense.

    The next day, the girls arrive at a building. Alisha doesn't know what they're there for. They climb to a terrace on top of the building, where they're met by Grace, who tells them that they'll need to be pretty but tough. Sarah Earlam is with her, and she is the brand representative from Baby G in the UK. Surely to be a brand representative, it helps if you can actually enunciate the name of your product clearly? It took me a fair bit of googling to find out what she was on about; for a minute I thought the girls were going to be modelling with top '90s dance act Baby D. Anyway, their current in-store model is nail chewing airhead Pixie Lott, and the winner of today's photoshoot will be taking over from Pixie Lott next spring. I hope this isn't just limited to Baby G promotions, and that they will all be in fact impersonating her onstage in a manner not entirely dissimilar to The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Amelia interviews that it's their biggest campaign yet. Grace explains that they'll be doing a night time shoot against the Kuala Lumpur skyline, and sends them off to get made-up.

    Sarah explains that the girls need to have fun with the brand but also have "edgy toughness" to them. Alisha tells us that it was her 19th birthday, but she couldn't relax because she had to work. Grace arrives with flowers and a present for Alisha, apparently from Elle. Alisha's birthday present is a fancy pair of sandals. She says that it'll be something to tell the grandkids about. Charlotte heads out for her shoot, looking like "a baby Elvis", in her own words. She explains that she was hoping she'd be standing up and had planned for that, but the photographer wanted her to lie down. Apparently she was also directed to rest her weight on the arm that she's wearing the watch on, which seems rather odd. The reactions from those behind the camera are not great. Charlotte interviews that it's offputting to see those sort of faces when you're doing a shoot. Grace points out that the watch is on the wrong arm for the pose, and Charlotte tries some other poses. Sarah tells her to be "fun and energetic". Grace interviews that Charlotte came in with a great energy, but when she had to move on from what she'd originally planned to do, that energy disappeared. Charlotte hopes she's got a good picture, because she was bottom two last week. Sarah thinks Charlotte had some great shots, but the watch wasn't in any of them. She's disappointed, because Charlotte bears the closest resemblance to Pixie out of all the girls. That's strange, I haven't seen Charlotte chewing her fingernails and staring into space once yet.

    Alisha's next, and is holding onto a rail and leaning off. She admits that she forgot she was wearing the watch and just started posing, until Grace reminded her.[She also forgot she was scared of heights to the extent she nearly had a panic attack in Spain week, but we'll gloss over that - Helen] She then tries a variety of watch-centric poses and seems to be doing quite well. Alisha, however, is unsure that she's got a picture that covers the brief. Tiffany's going next, and is instructed to "love the watch more" by Grace. Tiffany says that it's hard to work with a watch because it gives you a lot more to take into account when you're posing. Sarah tells Tiffany to look more energised. Grace thinks Tiffany didn't get the "pretty but tough" brief, and gave them "starey and really tough" instead.

    Amelia has super-crimped hair and loves her outfit. She does, however, forget to point the watch face at the camera. She thinks she moved more fluidly on this photoshoot. Sarah thinks Amelia looked inexperienced, and if she'd turned up for a magazine shoot for them, she'd have sent her home. Grace thinks Amelia doesn't understand her body. I think there are a lot of things that Amelia doesn't understand. Amelia thinks the shoot was a disaster, but she tried her best.

    Finally, there is Joy, who is looking like Björk, for some reason. Sarah advises her to try to have fun with the watch. Joy seems to be floundering a little bit, but to her credit, is clearly trying very hard to get it all just right and suggesting a lot of things to try. Grace appreciates that she's being pro-active about it all, and enjoyed seeing Joy "go through her process". Sarah thinks Joy is the perfect combination of pretty and tough. Joy hopes she's done enough.

    Ads. I want the shirt that the guy in the Häagen-Dazs advert is wearing.

    Malaysian judging! Tiffany giggles, for some reason. Elle welcomes them to the Malaysian judging room, and introduces her panel. including this week's guest judge, Sarah Earlam, who Elle claims was their "mentor and client" during the shoot. Call me picky, but I think a mentor needs to do more than just say "you need to be energetic" over and over again. Elle runs through the prizes and how the models spent their week, and then Tiffany is the first to be judged. We see her best shot, where she's dangling her watch arm between her legs and looking a bit like she's desperate for a wee. Grace tells her that they struggled to get this shot, and this was the only passable one she gave. Sarah thought Tiffany was uncomfortable in her hair and clothes. Tiffany admits that she struggled with the hair, but Elle tells her that from a model's perspective, Elle herself could not have done better. She thinks that even if it was a struggle to get there, she nailed this shot.

    Alisha's next. "You're actually looking really confident," says Elle. "I think that's the name of the game," Alisha replies meekly. Alisha's best shot is not pretty. Charley tells her the pose is great, but the lighting isn't complimenting her face. Elle tells Alisha that when she works out her light, she's beautiful, but if she gets it wrong, she becomes unattractive very quickly. Elle tries to reassure her by pointing out that even she struggles with her light sometimes. She omits the second part of that sentence, which was "but then someone strikes a match and I can smoke my cigarette after all." Julian tells Alisha that she's sexy in person, but she looks like RuPaul in this picture. Cheek: RuPaul would never look as mannish as Alisha does here. Julien says that he'd hate to see her go, but this is not her best picture.

    Then we have Amelia. Her best picture is pretty weak. Grace says it doesn't make her want to buy the watch. Sarah says that they kept asking her to try new things, but didn't really get what they were looking for. Charley tells Amelia that she's improved from the start. Julien says that the picture is good, and Amelia needs to be positive.

    Charlotte's next, and she's nervous. Her best shot is okay, but not great. Sarah tells Charlotte that she likes the top half, that it fits the tough brief perfectly, but she didn't know what she was doing with her legs. Grace tells Charlotte that she came in strong, but something happened and it just went away. Charley thinks this shot is strong, "but it sounds like there was difficulty getting it." Thank you, Captain Obvious.

    Last but not least, there is Joy. I'll confess: I stared at this picture for a good ten seconds before I even located the watch, so it's a bit of a fail for me on a personal level. Joy likes that she's looking off in the distance in her picture. Julien likes it because it doesn't look like Joy. Sarah thinks Joy matched the brief perfectly. Charley likes the subtlety of the way she's holding the hand with the watch in. Julien thinks it's the sign of a good model that she can show off the product without seeming like she's doing it. Hang on, so I wasn't supposed to see the watch? I'm so confused now. Anyway, Sarah liked Joy the best, so she's the new Pixie Lott, or whatever. Coming to a chart near you soon!

    Deliberations. Elle thinks Tiffany looks rock and roll and strong in her picture. Grace thinks it's a great shot, but the process of getting it was difficult. Joy looks expensive and current, and Julien thinks she looks like a top model. Sarah thinks she behaved like a top model too. Julien thinks that for Amelia, "the ginger nut has cracked." Charley thinks she's improved, because her early shots were very poor. Yes, congratulations Amelia for going from shit to fractionally-less-shit. Elle thinks Amelia's headspace is self-sabotaging her. Charley thinks the top half of Charlotte's picture is a strong shot. Sarah says that Charlotte worked hard on the shoot and clearly really wanted it. Elle thinks Charlotte does "glamour, beauty, sexy, supermodel" very well, but falls apart when she has to be static. Julien thinks she'd win if it were an advertisement for hairspray, but it's a watch advertisement, and you don't see the watch, just the hair. First of all, I saw the watch in this picture a lot quicker than I saw it in Joy's. And second: now we're supposed to be seeing the watch again? Make your fucking mind up, Julien. Alisha looks like a man. Julien thinks she's got it, but she just needs to learn how to make it rock.

    There are five really beautiful girls standing before Elle, but she only has four pictures in her hands, and they represent the girls who are still in the running to becoming Britain's Next Top Model. First callout goes to Joy, then Tiffany is second. The third picture is Alisha's. So Charlotte and Amelia are bottom two this week, and I think that's complete bullshit as far as Charlotte's concerned, but since I can't even work out whether I'm supposed to be able to see watches or not, I suspect my opinion is not valued here. Elle tells them that they both had the weakest shots (really? Weaker than Alisha's man-face? Weaker than Tiffany's Tena Lady ad? I'll give Joy the benefit of the doubt, despite the magical disappearing-reappearing watch, because the rest of the picture was lovely): one of them wants this more than anything, and the other one doesn't know how fantastic she is. So who stays? Charlotte, of course. The judges feel her fighting spirit will bring her back next week.

    Elle hugs Amelia, and tells her she's been amazing and beautiful. Amelia apologises for not being more positive, but says that she's going to go away a much better person. Back at the penthouse, Amelia packs. She says she's had the best experience of her life, and she'll leave a stronger person. She won't give up on modelling, and she's realised she can do really well if she just focuses. Good luck with that, then. Fade out and VANISH.

    Next time: the girls eat something gross for a casting. Malaysian go-sees! And a jungle photoshoot with Charley. And somehow there are still three weeks until the final. Nope, I don't know how they're going to plug all that space either.

    Monday, 13 September 2010

    Lamb to the slaughter

    Top Five - 6th September 2010

    Hello! Welcome to the 10th week of Britain’s Next Top Model. As usual, we begin with the recaps. The girls have their first beauty shoot, Tiffany cries because she’s in the same room as Elle, because that’s never happened before and Olivia cries because she refuses to launch herself of a 20ft scaffolding tower with no notice, which ultimately leads to her downfall

    This week! The tables get turned and the girls take some photographs. SURPRISE, some people aren’t very good at it, giving Nicky The Rage, which I assume is similar to Alisha’s fire. George Lamb pops by for a magazine shoot and we are promised Terry O’Neill and a room full of rugby players for another shoot, during which the having the pleasure of Elle’s company proves to make it high pressure.


    Back at the top model house, we know that a sad bit is coming up because there is sad music. Alisha interviews that when she read Olivia’s letter, she was “drawn back”. I have no Idea what it means either. It reads - “To all my five remaining beauties, all I’ve got to say is four words - I told you so”.

    Joy interviews that although she liked the girl, she’s not going to miss Olivia, or anyone else, because it’s “a competition for Christ’s sake”. Very refreshing to hear that you remember, Joy.

    The letter continues “Alisha, you’re stunning both inside and out. Don’t let no one get you down…*something unintelligible*”. Alisha said that her letter showed that people do have a heart in the house. Amelia says that she’s really sad when Alisha was reading Olivia’s letter, because they were really close. Joy interviews that she thought “Another letter, another day, get over it.” I love Joy, I want her on every reality show.

    We now have some interviews. Charlotte is cheering and dancing because she’s in the final five. Tiffany notes that they have all made it to the final five and whatever happens they all should be happy to be there - she is at least. Alisha is raring to go, and we are promised again that the much fabled fire is coming.

    An E-Mail arrives. It reads “To my final five girls, congratulations on getting this far in the competition. Tomorrow, the tables will turn and we’ll get to see exactly how much you have learned along the way. Be ready by 9am Love, Elle” Amelia makes a face. Charlotte makes a confused face in her interview. Alisha thinks that the tables turning may mean that they are going to swap roles. Well done Alisha! That’s some awesome powers of deduction there! Tiffany is thrown and Ameila sucks in her cheeks. Amelia interviews that whatever it is, she’s going to give it her best because she’s in the final five now. Joy reminds us that if you want to win it, you’ve got to pull everything out of the bag this week.

    The house fades to dark, and in the morning, Nicky Johnston arrives. He says hi to all the girls. Joy remembers him as “’him from the fashion academy”. He introduces himself as the photographer from week one. Charlotte, of course, interviews that she LOVES Nicky, but she loves everything, so it doesn’t count. He’s come back today to see if they’ve improved…or not. Alisha interviews that she really likes Nicky, and when she saw him she realised that they were going to be doing something exciting or fun.

    Nicky announces that he’s turning the tables today, and he wants the girl to be creative. Amelia makes another face. Using their own styling and their own cameras, their challenge is going to be creating “Amazing” pictures of each other.

    Alisha interviews that she doesn’t know how to take a picture properly. Nicky says he will be there to give some guidance, but ultimately it will be their responsibility to create an amazing shot. Alisha looks like she’s literally about to be shot. Tiffany will be photographing Joy, Alisha will be photographing Charlotte, Amelia will be photographing Tiffany, Joy will be photographing Alisha and finally Charlotte will be photographing Amelia. Amelia interviews that it’s going to be a good little challenge.

    Tiffany interviews that she’s happy she’s taking photographs of Joy, because Joy doesn’t even have to try to get a good photograph. No bitterness from Tiffany then. Tiffany then goes on to say that when she was choosing clothes for Joy, she wanted to pick something that was going to stand out - picking clothes from the point of view of how they will look in the photograph rather than a modelling point of view. Tiffany tries to give Joy an edgy look. Apparently this means copious blue eyeshadow, bright red lips and some dodgy ringlets. Tiffany asks Joy if she’s nervous, and Joy replies through gritted teeth that she’s excited. Nicky approaches her and asks if she’s decided what she’s going to do. She replies that she wants to take her photos outside because there’s good natural light. Marvellous sucking up there Tiffany! Gold star. Nicky looks suitably impressed with this, remarking that Tiffany has thought about what she is doing and he is barely able to contain his surprise. They chose a wall and bring out some mannequins. Nicky interviews that Tiffany was good because she knew she had limited time but she still wanted to try as many things as possible. Tiffany explains that she placed the mannequins as though Joy was breaking them. Joy looks unsure in her interview, but she thinks that she followed Tiffany’s direction. She thinks that when she was told to move, she was doing it enough. Nicky suggests Joy screams, and she does so, underwhelmingly. Nicky calls her out on this, calling it pathetic. Tiffany interviews that she found the challenge really cool and she loved it - not as much as modelling, but it was still a good experience. Nicky thinks Tiffany has amazing potential but she just has to come out of her shell a bit more. Nicky asks Tiffany if she’s happy with the shoot, and Tiffany graciously replies that she thought Joy did really well.

    Alisha then interviews that when she was told that she was paired with Charlotte, her first thought was “Oh, *bleep*” for reasons unknown. Charlotte interviews that the outfit Alisha gave her is one that she would have picked for her model if she’d have gone first. Alisha explains to Charlotte that she’s not getting any accessories, because the dress is embellished, and she will grease up her bare legs for the shot. Nicky asks Alisha to talk him through her shot. Alisha explains that she will be using the big shoe, but Charlotte won’t be standing in it, oh no, she will be leaning on it and sitting on it. Nicky interviews that Alisha is bolshy, but he likes that. Alisha then explains to Nicky that she has everything ready in case Charlotte needs to be touched up, and she reminds Nicky that she is doing Makeup, Hair Styling and taking photographs. Yes Alisha, that’s the challenge. Nicky is impressed that she thought about all those things. I think he’s been watching. Nicky interviews that the makeup was horrific and the styling didn’t work but Charlotte was great in terms of positioning. He goes on to say that Alisha has an air of self confidence that’s quite shocking, but he wants to look at the pictures to see if it’s justified.

    Amelia interviews that she was “landed” when she found out she was taking photographs of Tiffany because they’re really close and she’s a bang on model. Amelia says that when she was doing the styling, she was trying to get it as edgy and pixie-like as possible. Amelia isn’t sure if Tiffany’s shoes will fit, but Tiffany is going to make them fit. Tiffany interviews that when she saw her outfit she was really excited because she wanted a chance to show that she can be versatile. Nicky asks Amelia what the plan is. Amelia explains that because Tiffany is a Kooky model, she wants to take a photograph of her drinking tea for one, looking at a plastic dog and being sad. Nicky interviews that he didn’t get the concept of the dog and the teapot. We see him putting the same conundrum to Amelia who’s only explanation is that Tiffany is dressed “Quite edgy” so hopefully it will work, and she will get rid of the dog if necessary. Amelia interviews that she had a very specific idea in her head. Nicky interviews that Amelia had Tiffany standing full length and Amelia kept moving back to get her in, and didn’t realise that you could turn the camera vertically. The noise of the mass facepalm at this could be heard all around Britain at 9.08 pm. Nicky demonstrates for Amelia and she finds it a lot easier to get Tiffany in the frame. Nicky’s not expecting her to be a photographer, that’s not what’s being tested, but Amelia gave him rage. We see Nicky stop Amelia mid shoot to tell her that he was getting the rage. Once the dam was broken and he’d decided to interfere, Nicky removed the dog, the teapot and the stools. and pointed out some of the other things that he didn’t like, such as being unable to see Tiffany’s legs. Amelia interviews that she loved the dog, and that was the prop she wanted to use. Tiffany interviews that she got no direction from Amelia. Amelia interviews that she didn’t think she impressed Nicky. O RLY? Nicky interviews that Amelia taking her photographs was the most uncomfortable ten minutes of his life. Amelia thinks Nicky thought she was an idiot. Not just Nicky, sweetheart. Amelia says that she enjoyed the challenge, and thinking about what photographers have to deal with. She thanks Nicky and Tiffany. Nicky’s just glad it’s over.

    Next up, Joy’s photographing Alisha. Alisha interviews that she doesn’t like the dress Joy picked for her. Alisha remembers that the first time she was partnered with Joy, Joy won the challenge because of her (I think she’s talking about the Hollyoaks challenge, for those without Alisha’s long memory) Alisha says she’s going to have to shut her mouth and get on with it [chance would be a fine thing - Steve], because every time she helps Joy, she ends up winning and it beeps her off. Joy explains to Nicky that she’s going to photograph Alisha on the dining table from the balcony. Alisha interviews that it was a wicked idea, and wonders why she didn’t think of it. Joy interviews that she thought Nicky was pleased with her choice. Nicky tells Alisha she looks hot. He interviews that Joy picked the same angles he would have chosen. He also says that Joy is the first one to be enthusiastic and can hold a camera. He’s happy that she enjoyed herself doing it, and that she wasn’t traumatised. He thinks that she’s picked up more from the shoots she’s been doing than the others and she’s done an amazing job.

    Next up is Charlotte photographing Amelia. Amelia interviews that her outfit was horrendous and it was like a “nightie slash sack”. Charlotte thinks Amelia can work it. Charlotte explains to Nicky that she wants the shoot to be about Amelia and her expressions so she’s chosen a plain white background. Nicky interviews that Charlotte knew exactly what she wanted. Charlotte interviews that she wasn’t sure if it was her fault or Amelia’s fault, but when she told Amelia to look angry her expression didn’t change. It’s clearly Amelia’s fault, Charlotte. She’s pulling the same face she’s pulled in every photograph so far. She doesn’t have another one. Nicky tells Amelia to think horrible thoughts, yet her expression still doesn’t change. Nicky interviews that Charlotte is a sweet girl who gave lots of direction, but she didn’t get anything back.

    Nicky gathers the girls in the lounge for feedback. Each girl inexplicably has their best shot of themselves, chosen by their photographer, because that’s logical. Joy is first. Her shot of her is ok, Nicky thinks she looks good and Joy likes it. Nicky tells JOY well done and she in turn thanks Tiffany. Charlotte next, she looks like, to quote Glee, a sad clown hooker. Charlotte interviews that she really likes it. Nicky thinks it’s strong. Tiffany pulls a face when she sees hers. It’s not a good face. You can’t actually see Tiffany, only her clothes and her lips. She interviews that when she saw the shot, she didn’t know what to think. Nicky congratulates her on her body position, but informs Amelia that the effect that she got was due to a fault with the camera rather than her photographic genius. Alisha next, she says “Woah” when she sees her shot. She tells Nicky that if Joy had chosen one of the shots with her lying on the table, it would have been different for her, but she’s happy with the way she looks in the picture. Finally, Amelia. She thinks the photo is good, but interviews that the she didn’t think the shot had any Va Va voom. And the episode 10 award for lack of self awareness goes to…Amelia! Well done pet. Nicky thinks it’s ok, he wouldn’t say it’s fantastic. Charlotte gives Amelia the dirtiest of dirty looks.

    Now to the winner. The winner receives not one, not two, but three cameras that actually look like video cameras. [Most random prize ever. Who needs three cameras? - Steve] Nicky tells Joy that when he first met her at the model academy, he felt that she was quiet and unconfident, but today she was a totally different person, and if she’d have picked one of the shots of Alisha on the table she’d have been the winner. Joy interviews with a “look at what you could have won” sentiment. Charlotte interviews that Joy was pissed off, Tiffany says “bad luck” in her interview and dissolves into an evil cackle. She’s laughing because she is the winner! She can’t believe that she’s won not one, not two but three cameras. We don’t find out whether she shared them. I’m guessing she didn’t. She’s happy she’s won, because she needs to step up. Joy does her best to look gracious, and fails.

    E-Mail time! Joy reads “Ladies, tomorrow you will all be in good Company. Be ready to leave at 8am Love, Elle Kiss”. They quickly deduce that this means Company magazine. Charlotte reminds everyone that it’s big pressure, because the winner will get a CoverAndASixPageSpread. That’s how I hear it in my head now. They’ve got to do good!

    Coming up! Make Up! George Lamb!


    After the break, we have some LondonPorn, and the girls arrive at the Company Magazine offices to be met by Victoria White, the Editor. She reminds the girls that the winner will be on the cover. Alisha interviews that it’s every models dream to be on the cover of a magazine. Victoria White introduces Kirsty Hathaway who is HER fashion editor, and she will be keeping an eye on the girls today. Joy’s rictus grin is a sight to behold here. Kirsty wants the girls to be aware of the standard they are looking for and for them to show what they have learned over the last ten weeks. She sends them off to hair and makeup and we have the obligatory montage.

    Alisha interviews that when she was in hair and makeup, she started to feel more in the role of the *air quotes* cover girl. Amelia interviews that the styling was the favourite she’s had so far on the show. Tiffany interviews that she loved her outfit, she can’t complain about one bit of it. Charlotte is, wait for it, VERY EXCITED and she LOVED IT. Joy thinks it’s “one of the best stylings” but she did feel a bit slutty.

    Victoria comes in the room and tells them that they all look amazing, but there’s one thing that she hasn’t told them about the shoot. They won’t be posing by themselves, they’ve brought someone in to help them out. George Lamb! He pokes his head round the door and says hello. In a rare moment of self awareness he introduces himself as a prop. Joy seems very excited in her interview. He congratulates them all on making the final five, and hopes they can have some fun. Charlotte interviews that George made her even more nervous. Victoria tells them that Kirsty is waiting for them upstairs, reminds them all to be nice to George and wishes them luck.

    Amelia is up first and is introduced to George again. She interviews that she was nervous. George goes in for a kiss. She interviews that it was nice working with George and says that he was a real gentleman. Kirsty says that she loves a redhead and Amelia has beautiful porcelain skin. Amelia says she always tries to follow direction, as it appears to be very important. Cut to the exasperated photographer very nearly shouting at her. The photographer is Simon Lipman. He lies when interviewed that Amelia followed direction really well, but a bit less so towards the end. That’s better Simon. Amelia says that she never comes out of the shoots satisfied, she felt she could have done more and needed more time, but it’s the nature of the competition they are in.

    Charlotte next. She is introduced to George and sticks out her hand for him to shake. He goes in for two kisses and apologises for being a “bit slimy”, apparently because of hair gel. Charlotte interviews that the client wanted her to be relaxed and sexy. It was weird because she’s used to doing angles and poses. The photographer wanted her to be relaxed. He thought she was fantastic, she was mature and calculated. She went straight into it and was really relaxed around George. He can’t find fault in her. Kirsty from Company thinks that she was easy, natural, comfortable and photogenic. They are all really thrilled about her. She interviews that she wanted it to keep going, she loved every minute of it.

    Next up is Tiffany. George doesn’t give her a kiss. Perhaps he is scared. [Maybe it's the hair. - Steve] Tiffany interviews that the set was really relaxed and comfortable. I hope that Tiffany is in no way suggesting that any of the previous photoshoots have in any way been contrived. It’s just coincidence that the first shot that they’ve done for a proper magazine has been different to all the made up shots that they have done previously. Isn’t it Tiffany? ISN’T IT TIFFANY?! Simon the photographer thought she needed more direction than the other girls, but facially and visually she’s absolutely stunning. Tiffany interviews that George was really nice and it wasn’t intimidating working with him because he was really nice. Kirsty wasn’t sure about her looks at first, but she really pulled through and showed them something interesting. She really enjoyed the shoot.

    George practically starts rubbing his legs at the arrival of Alisha, but she doesn’t get the kiss either. Alisha also remarks that the set was comfortable, and not quiet and tense like the other ones. Alisha complains in her interview that George was shouting at her throughout the shoot and even though she wanted to chat with him, she couldn’t because she was there to do a job. He was there to look pretty and she was there to win something and she didn’t know whether he understood that or not. Simon thinks Alisha was fantastic. Kirsty feels that she was unfazed by George and gave a really strong shoot. Out of all of the photos taken, there is hardly a bad one of Alisha. She hopes she got the shot, she needs the shot because she doesn’t want to go home. She says that she had a good time.

    Finally, it’s Joy. Joy has been given the hat off of a Mr Morgan Organ. She is introduced to George who goes in for a kiss this time. Simon wants her to be vacant and nonchalant. Shouldn’t be too much of a stretch for Joy. She interviews that she was trying to pull off a look that was worthy of a magazine cover, whilst trying to listen to the direction that she was given. Simon thinks she’s really beautiful, but she wasn’t moving in the way he wanted her to move and she didn’t look natural in front of the camera. Kirsty says that she was most excited about Joy when she saw her but she was frustrating on set because she wasn’t listening. Joy hopes Kirsty thought she’s got good model potential and that she was professional. Kirsty thinks Joy’s got a good model look but it was frustrating to say the least.

    Coming up! Terry O’Neill, Rugby Boys! Elle arrives on set!


    We’re back! The girls arrive at the next location. Joy knows that it’s a rugby club. Tiffany has heard of the Wasps and knows that they are a big rugby team. Alisha sees the wasp and thinks that perhaps they have arrived at a beehive and she’s going to get stung. Charlotte interviews that she had a miniature heart attack that she was perhaps going to be a cheerleader, could you imagine? Alisha says the same thought crossed her mind. All that Amelia can say is “here we go again”. Can anyone shed some light on why she is still here?

    The girls line up on the pitch to be introduced to Terry O’Neill, the famous photographer. Everyone pretends that they know who he is. Joy interviews that they are working with someone good. Alisha interviews that they’ve got to do their best and that that there is no messing around. Terry O’Neill has photographed Naomi Campbell, Kate Moss, Elizabeth Taylor and Audrey Hepburn, so the girls better be on their toes. Charlotte interviews that she was a little bit starstruck and it was EXCITING to meet him, because he’s AMAZING. Terry wants the girls to look beautiful AND stunning, and there is going to be some of his friends lifting them in the air. The Wasps themselves. Joy says she couldn’t stop laughing because she was looking at their thighs. Alisha says that Joy forgot about her boyfriend and was all “come and get me”. Tiffany confesses that Charlotte was nearly on her knees. Alisha thinks Charlotte would have got naked if she was told to. Charlotte rubs her hands together and shouts “Rugby Boys”

    Terry tells them again that these are the London Wasps and they will be lifting them in the air and give him a great feature. He wishes everyone luck and we have another hair and makeup montage. Joy is wearing a stunning red dress and tells the stylist that she feels very nice and silky. She interviews that she’s never overly confident but she’s never nervous on her photoshoots because they are her strong point. She’s really excited because they have been starved of men. Joy tells us in voiceover that it was a bit weird when she walked on set because there was eight guys who were supposed to be lifting her but the room was filled with rugby players who were ogling her, then they saw Elle, who she wasn’t expecting. Elle tells her she looks gorgeous. Elle explains that she’s come today because she wants to see the girls work and she wants to see the progress that they have made since they last worked together. Plus she wanted to see the gorgeous rugby players. Elle explains that she wants to see Joy lying across the rugby players, and asks Joy if it’s ok for them to touch her. Joy makes an OF COURSE face. Joy interviews that she was glad Elle was there to see them doing the actual photo shoots. If they don’t impress her, they are going home. Elle says that she loves watching Joy work because she’s really professional and she really gets it. She understands her body and the light and she looks beautiful in the dress. Joy interviews that she thought that it was interesting working with Terry because he didn’t say much. She isn’t sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but she hopes that if it was really bad he would have said something. Terry doesn’t think that she’s a winner because she hasn’t got control of her head. Something that most of us master at a few months old. But she photographs well which is half of it. Elle said she did well and interviews that she was a 100% working model. Joy said she really enjoyed it, but her boyfriend is going to hate her.

    Alisha tells us that her dress was phenomenal. It was the VaVaVoom. She walked on set and knew she would see Terry, but was surprised to see Elle. She tells us that it was more pressure, because not only does she have to perform in front of Terry, she has to perform in front of Elle. She isn’t sure what she’s going to do. She decides that she is going to impress Elle. Alisha is also being lifted up by the rugby players. Terry assures her that they won’t drop her. She interviews that she’s usually fine around boys, describing herself as a hard nut, but she says that the rugby players turned her into a marshmallow. You could have squeezed her. [Or stuck here on a stick and held her over a naked flame. - Steve] The boys ask her about her previous shoots. She plays with her hair and tells them she was nude in a blizzard in Norway. She interviews that they turned her shy and she couldn’t look at them. She didn’t know what was wrong with her, but the boys looked like massive beef burgers. Another of the rugby players admires her dress and tells her that they love the jewels. She says in interview that it was totally obvious they were talking about her breasts. She thinks Terry is nice, straightforward and quick. Terry likes that Alisha followed all his directions which worked out really good. Terry thinks Alisha has a good chance and that she’s a good model. Elle thinks Alisha has enormous potential. She has an incredibly beautiful body. Alisha believes she worked really hard, especially since she had a wig, which she’s not used to. She has to see her picture to know how she’s done.

    Amelia is up next. The stylist is introduced to us as Giles Pearson [from Project Catwalk! - Steve] who introduces Amelia to her dress. Giles tells Amelia that instead of being a pure white skinned girl, she’s going to be a sexy woman. Amelia says she knows she’s got to work hard. Giles doesn’t disagree. Amelia interviews that when she walked on set she was on another planet, it was too much to take in. She says it took her a while to get into the shoot as the lads were a bit off putting. Elle tells her her dress makes her legs look shorter than they are. Amelia interviews that Elle gave her a lot of direction, which wasn’t a bad thing as she was probably there to give the direction. Elle interviews that Amelia is mature, and she likes that about her. I don’t think she’s referring to the oldface, but confesses that she thinks she still hasn’t found what works best for her. Terry thinks Amelia is great, he didn’t think much of her when she first walked in but when he studied her closely he could see she was like a fifties movie star, as opposed to a movie star in her fifties. Amelia says that it is important to get a good image at this stage of the competition and she hopes she’s pulled something out of the bag over the other girls.

    Tiffany is excited, she can’t believe she’s shooting with Terry O’Neill because she knows who he is. Elle barely recognises her. Tiffany interviews that when she walked on set she was really surprised to see Elle standing there, but it was good for her to have the opportunity to see them. Tiffany is sitting on the back of a rugby player. Elle thinks that she needs to do what she wanted to do in the position she was in. Tiffany interviews that she did try to put her own feedback into the picture, but every time she did what she wanted to do, Elle stopped her and told her to do something else and she realised she was never going to win. I don’t think you can either. Elle barks orders at Tiffany who complies and is told that it’s not right. Elle interviews that she wants to see Tiffany surprise her, but she hasn’t been surprised yet. Tiffany just hopes that Elle thinks she’s good enough to be here.

    Charlotte, surprisingly, LOVES her dress. Giles tells her that it’s a Julien MacDonald. Charlotte thinks that this is interesting. She interviews that Julien told her that she needed to lose some weight so that she could fit into his dresses. Giles thinks she’s going to wipe the smirk off his face. I wouldn’t like to be Giles when Julien catches up with them. It fits perfectly and Charlotte does a happydance, both on camera and in her interview. She interviews that her initial reaction to Elle being there was “Oh my god” but then she realised that it was good because Elle could see how much they’d progressed, so the nerves turned into, you guessed it, EXCITEMENT. She LOVED every minute of it. It was FANTASTIC. Charlotte has to jump while the boys growl. Terry thinks that Charlotte was pretty good. He explains that Charlotte has a different kind of shot because he was getting fed up of the boys just standing there so he put some action in. Elle interviews that she is a big fan of Charlotte. She has lots of energy and confidence to do lifting shots that the other girls feel out of control with. Charlotte interviews that she was gutted when the shoot finished, she was standing in a gym with Elle and Terry, why wouldn’t she want to carry on?

    Back at the Top Model house, there is another E-Mail, this time read by Tiffany. “Hi Girls, tomorrow you will meet with the judges, only four of you will continue towards becoming Britain’s Next Top Model. One of you will be eliminated. Love, Elle”. Amelia was expecting it, because it happens every week. Joy interviews that based on her performance throughout the week she deserves to stay, but she doesn’t know whether the judges will feel the same. Tiffany interviews that she has the potential to win and Charlotte says that it is like, everything now, and she has to stay, and it can’t end for Alisha yet. Charlotte cries because it’s really important and she doesn’t want to go.

    Coming up! Elle picks her favourite shot from the competition, Julien thinks someone is an amazing girl, but it’s a shame they don’t know it and Grace thinks people are going to see something and say “Oh my God”, Charley thinks something is brilliant and the Judges have found it difficult this week.


    The girls arrive in the judging room. Elle welcomes them and reminds them that there is only five of them left. Just in case they can’t count. I wouldn’t bank on it either, Elle. She introduces the judges. I notice that all of the judges are defined by their achievements apart from Charley, who is just “the Gorgeous”. Poor Charley. The guest panellist is Terry O’Neill. We hear the prizes again.

    Elle reminds them that they’ve had an interesting week - two shoots and a chance to photograph each other.

    Amelia is up first. In her best rugby shot she is pulling the usual Amelia face but this time with her legs in a slightly different position. Elle says she knows it was a hard dress and that she was bossy with her but it’s a great shot. Julien is not surprised by the photograph because when she’s made to look like a gorgeous, glamorous, sexy woman it works for her. We see her best shot from the magazine shoot. Again she is pulling the Amelia face. Charley says that sometimes the hardest shoots are the simpler ones, because you’ve got to make it work with nothing to work with. It’s left at that, perhaps for the best.

    Charlotte next. Her best rugby shot is out of focus as far as I can see. Elle thinks that she’s done really well. Terry says that she was the most active of the models, which is probably faint praise because she was the only one required to be active. Julien thinks that when she adopts the Amazonian, beautiful character, men just think she’s gorgeous, and she is. Charlotte’s magazine shoot is fine as far as I can see, but Grace believes that fashion editorial is the chink in her armour. Charley disagrees, he loves the shot and thinks it shows a different side to her.

    Joy belle is next up. Her rugby shot is stunning, but not very active. Elle explains she couldn’t do much apart from stand there and look gorgeous, even though we all saw her being lifted by the rugby boys. Terry thinks that the best thing that Joy’s got going for her, but she doesn’t use her body, completely contradicting Elle earlier. Charley tells her that she’s got to listen to Terry, because although he really likes the shot, she’s got to bring more to the table on a shoot. Her magazine shoot is stunning. Julien thanks God that fashion has arrived. He thinks she’s an amazing girl, but it’s a shame that she doesn’t know it.

    Joy is followed by Alisha. Her rugby shoot is terrible. Elle says that when Alisha walked into the room, it was a showstopping moment. Julien thinks that she goes beyond a model in the shot and that she looks like a superstar. Terry thinks that she will do quite well at modelling and she shouldn’t worry. Her magazine shoot is beautiful. Grace just says “Oh yeah”, Charley thinks it’s superb. It’s Elle’s favourite shot from the competition. Alisha looks like she’s about to cry. Charley thinks it’s the first example of someone making George work. Grace thinks people will see the shot and say oh my God, look at this girl. Julien thinks her body is lickable, loveable and huggable and she’s got it going on.

    Finally, Tiffany. She looks bored in her rugby shot. Grace would have liked to see her work the boys more, because she can with her personality and she thinks that it’s just a bit flat. Julien doesn’t think that it’s her. It definitely is Julien, she’s just got different hair. He says he doesn’t like the girl but he likes the picture. Charley likes that she’s tried something different. Everyone is excited to see Tiffany’s magazine shoot. It’s good. The judges are happy to see the girl that they have been waiting for. Julien’s block has been knocked off. Charley thinks that it is really good, the edginess has gone and we are left with a stunning girl owning the shot. Terry says well done and Elle says that it is her favourite picture of Tiffany so far.

    Elle says that it’s now time for the judges to deliberate. When they come back we will find out who will be leaving. Elle begins the deliberation by saying that they’ve got a really hard decision to make. It’s really hard to know how they are going to get rid of another girl. Charley thinks Amelia has got a lot better. Julien has always liked her because she’s the dark horse of the competition. She’s got 106 lives and she always gets through. It’s a mystery to us too, Julien. Terry thinks that she’s beginning to blossom now. I don’t believe for a minute that Terry has been watching, but I’ll go with it.

    Julien’s always been torn with Charlotte, and he feels that they have a love/hate relationship. I think this means Julien hates her and Charlotte LOVES everything. Elle agrees. Julien thinks she’s a normal pretty girl but isn’t sure if she’s a supermodel. Terry doesn’t think she has it, and that there is a problem with her proportions. Elle thinks she photographs well but her height is an issue. What? Why hasn’t this been mentioned before?

    Terry thinks that if Joy can learn to use her body by the end of the competition, she could win it. Julien thinks she needs to be more confident and learn to believe in herself because if she did she could be a fantastic model. Grace thinks that she is like a time bomb, let herself go and then the judges could be blown away by her.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, Alisha’s rugby photograph is a miss, despite them loving it earlier (see a few paragraphs up). Elle says that when she gets it she blows everybody away, but when she doesn’t get it, she really doesn’t get it. Terry thinks that Alisha will always make a good model. Grace thinks the long hair makes her look really mainstream, like an old, bad popstar but she looks amazing in the magazine shoot.

    They all love Tiffany’s magazine shot. Charley thinks it’s the strongest shot. Terry would pick Tiffany out of the five, if he had to.

    So who stays? There are five photographs in her hand representing those still in the running. Alisha is called first, followed by Tiffany then Amelia who looks more shocked than me. Elle comments she doesn’t look happy, she just didn’t expect it.

    Charlotte and Joy are in the bottom two. Elle explains that the judges have found it hard to decide who needs to go and who deserves to stay. They’ve decided they both need to go…DRAMATIC PAUSE…they need to go home and pack their bags…DRAMATIC PAUSE…Because they’re all going to Malaysia. Worst. Elimination. Fakeout. Ever. [For reals. Tyra did it better. - Steve]

    The elimination room is filled with Malaysian dancers whilst the girls dry their eyes. The end. [Again, kind of underwhelming. This is how you do your overseas reveal, folks. - Steve]

    Join Steven next week for the girls arriving in Malaysia, which is already Alisha’s highlight, Amelia having yet another disaster on a rooftop photo shoot and the girls meeting the actual Jimmy Choo.

    Sunday, 5 September 2010

    Spring forward, fall back

    Top 6: 30th August 2010

    Previously: the girls went to Norway, and screamed. They had their pictures taken on a glacier. Kirsty was eliminated, because there's only room for one massive bitch in this competition, and Alisha's already got that one all sewn up.

    Yet to come: the girls come face to face with Elle Macpherson and act like this is somehow novel, and leap off some scaffolding. OR DO THEY? There can only be one Britain's Next Top Model, y'know. Titles!

    Night time at Model Manor: the girls gather to read Kirsty's goodbye note. Alisha doesn't think anyone will miss Kirsty. The testimonies from the other girls seem to back this up. Kirsty's letter is the usual standard "keep going, you can do it stuff" until we get to the PS, which is epic: "I took Nicky's letter because it means alot [sic] to me but when you get out you'll all find an e-mail with a copy." Two minutes into the programme, and Alisha's having a hissyfit already: "E-mail?? It's not the same!" Apparently we're supposed to disregard the fact that Nicky's letter was pretty much addressed to Kirsty specifically, because Alisha wants to see Nicky's handwriting and is annoyed that the carefully-spaced collection of letters on the fridge will now be unequal. She has apparently mistaken this competition for Britain's Next Top Severe Case Of OCD. Tiffany, quite sensibly, doesn't see the problem and essentially thinks that "people" are making a fuss because they're bored.

    Later, there is E-Mail, read by Joy: "Girls, make sure you get your beauty sleep tonight, because tomorrow there's nowhere to hide. It's time to face facts, ladies, the camera never lies." Alisha jumps for joy at the prospect of doing a photoshoot with no make-up, while everyone else looks at her like she's just arrived from Io. "Aren't you lot excited?" she asks incredulously, and Olivia gives a half-hearted "yeah!" while everyone else continues to wonder what the likelihood is of Alisha being kidnapped in the night and never returning. [The producers would never let it happen, she gives far to good soundbite - Helen] Alisha interviews that she's excited about doing a make-up free shoot because she hates make-up. Excellent career choice she's made in that case. Amelia is less excited, because the stress of the competition has given her eczema. Glamorous! Joy thinks Alisha will do well if it is a make-up free shoot, because she has flawless skin, while Alisha babbles on about the storm that is coming. I hope she doesn't mean this one.

    The next day, the girls arrive at Revlon HQ, where they're met by marketing manager Sarah Harper, who wants to understand how the girls can best portray their brand. By going on a reality show and talking about how much they hate make-up, perhaps? They'll be doing a beauty shoot for Revlon, to celebrate their new Colour Burst lipstick. The girls go to get their faces made-up, and they all talk about how important it is to impress the Revlon people. Photographer Hugh O'Malley shoots Charlotte first, who says that she was confident, but it wasn't coming across. Sarah doesn't like Charlotte's mouth, and Charlotte thinks it went downhill from there. Afterwards, Sarah thinks that Charlotte got it towards the end, but it was a struggle. Amelia's next, and says that she felt really nervous, and "it came on like a rash". Hugh asks Amelia to change her hand placement, and it's getting to the point now where I'm starting to think that Amelia's hands should get their own spot in the credits. [She was Vogueing. Actually Vogueing - Helen] Amelia comes off set and says that she didn't like it, which Charlotte points out in an interview is something that Amelia does all the time. Amelia thinks her picture is coming across as "transvestite". In fairness, considering the sheer amount of brightly-coloured make-up that's on all of the girls for the shoot, they all look like they should be operating after midnight in King's Cross. Alisha goes in next, and was trying hard to portray "modern" and "confident", which seems to go down well with Hugh. Alisha says again that she doesn't like make-up much (way to endear yourself to the sponsors!) but she actually liked the way she looked in the end. Hugh says that Alisha was a pleasure to work with. Alisha comes out and says that hers went well; Charlotte and Amelia look horrified. Tiffany's in next, and likes the colours that she was given because they suited her skintone. Unlike her hairdo [Harsh but fair, Steve - Helen]. Afterwards, Hugh wonders if she was too editorial. Olivia flails, because she "can't do beauty", she tells us. There's really nothing more I can add to that, is there? Hugh was not blown away by her. Joy, as ever, is hilarious: "I was really excited. It's just your face, and I think it sorts people out, because if you can't do facial expression, then you're pretty screwed in modelling." Joy for the judging panel next year, please! Joy struggles with her hands in the shot, though, because apparently she's got "corpse hands" that always needs lots of make-up. Hugh thinks she was beautiful, but lacked energy and enthusiasm.

    The girls assemble ready for Sarah to declare the winner. Sarah explains that the winning girl impressed her because she had high energy from the moment she stepped onto the set: Alisha. Alisha interviews that when her name was announced, Charlotte was smiling, "but her eyes were saying 'bitch'." Or, as Tyra Banks would put it, she was 'bizing'. Alisha's reward is to go out for cocktails, and picks Olivia and Tiffany to join her. Are we about to get another "Alisha can't handle her drink" plotline? I do hope so.

    Commercials. Uma Thurman is an Alfa Romeo. Does this mean she'll be in Transformers 3?

    Model manor, night time. Alisha, Tiffany and Olivia are getting ready to go out, and dancing around like fools. Olivia is excited, because no one's chosen her to share in their prizes yet. This is probably because they, like I, keep forgetting she exists. The girls are taken to The Hoxton Pony, where Alisha invents a cocktail called "Diva-Ish", with a bit of help from the owner. Back at the house, Charlotte is enjoying quiet time with Amelia and Joy. Amelia notes that Charlotte's been a bit quiet since the last elimination, and Charlotte explains that it's because of what Julien said. You know, when he called her a heifer. Getting upset, Charlotte says that she doesn't care, she doesn't want to be a size four. Now, obviously I think Julien's a tool, because who doesn't? But at the same time, it is rather ridiculous to (a) enter a modelling competition on television, and (b) hope to become a professional model, if you're going to get this upset when someone criticises your appearance. Amelia admits in a VT that Charlotte "has put on a few pounds", and that a lot of the girls think so. Over at The Hoxton Pony, the others are discussing the same thing. Olivia suggests, in all seriousness, that Charlotte should be a plus-size model. This is ridiculous. Charlotte is not a plus-size anything. Tiffany and Alisha think that's brutal. Back at the house, Charlotte feels like the biggest girl left because she was singled out by Julien, and says that she's "a pretty sensitive person". She then tells Amelia and Joy that she's "not the biggest girl left". Amelia doesn't like this because "it does infer that other girls are bigger than her." It doesn't 'infer' anything, Amelia. It might 'imply' that, yes, but the only one 'inferring' would be you. Joy confessionalises that Amelia told her that she thinks Charlotte meant that she, Amelia, was the biggest girl left, and OH MY GOD CAN WE JUST END THIS MAD CONVERSATION, NONE OF YOU ARE FAT. Joy senses what I'm feeling: "Jesus Christ, both of you. Just shut up." I heart Joy.

    The next day, there is E-Mail. "Girls, we've seen how perform in front of the cameras, but a Top Model also needs character and personality. I want to find out more about the real you. Love Elle xx" The girls wonder if they'll be having one-on-one chats with Elle. Sure enough, Elle arrives a bit later on and the girls all scream. Tiffany's the first person to get a one-to-one chat with Elle, and admits to feeling really nervous. Presumably because she has no guarantees that Elle will be able to understand her without subtitles. I certainly can't half the time. Elle talks to Tiffany about her haircut, and says that it was the best thing that they ever did, because Tiffany wouldn't still be here if they hadn't (burn!). Elle tells Tiffany she thinks it's time she had another haircut. Tiffany: "D:". Tiffany cries because she's overwhelmed by Elle, and gets a hug.

    Joy goes in next, and looks rather tense. Joy admits in a post-event VT that she feels like she still didn't get what she's really like across to Elle, because she couldn't actually speak properly. Elle tells Joy that she's beautiful, but she needs to be more free-spirited and less scared. Olivia tells Elle in her chat that the competition is making her see that she can do something and really stick it out, and that being bottom two in the second week gave her the kick up the bum that she deserves. Olivia interviews that at panel she's always being told off for the way she stands or something. Elle tells Olivia that she's there because the team thinks she has what it takes to be there. Charlotte goes in for her chat with Elle, and like everyone else, gets tearful. Elle rebukes Charlotte for trying to cover up her real emotions with a laugh, and Charlotte sniffs that this feels like her last chance to go for it, because she feels like she's too old. Elle tells Charlotte that she was 18 when she started modelling, but she wasn't successful until she was 26. Charlotte gets a hug too.

    By this point Alisha is worrying about the number of teary-faced girls emerging from their chats with Elle, and wondering what the hell is going on in there. "Is she beating them?" Alisha wonders. Alisha tells Elle that she's very happy to be there. "Do you think you can win?" Elle asks. "Sometimes," Alisha replies, in a manner that strikes me as rather too deliberately coquettish. Elle tells Alisha that her real-life beauty doesn't translate into her pictures, and that perhaps she's been trying too hard. Amelia heads in. "You look beautiful," Elle tells her. "Thank you. And you," Amelia replies, in that way that people do without really thinking about what they're saying. Elle's all, "well yeah, that's my job." Snerk. Elle tells Amelia that she is "exceptionally beautiful", but Amelia admits that she doubts herself a lot. Elle tells Amelia that whatever she does, her beauty will be an asset, and that she always thought it was more interesting for a girl "to use her beauty rather than to sell her beauty". This segues into a rather odd story about how Elle was going to be a lawyer and win lots of cases because she was so very charismatic. I can only assume she'd have been working for the law firm from Ally McBeal. Amelia says that the conversation helped her to think that it's all been worthwhile, however far she gets in the competition. [I bet the "Elle as a Lawyer" reality show will be on Living by this time next year. Mark my words - Helen]

    More ads. I wish Dinner For Schmucks didn't look quite so awful as it does, because I would walk over hot coals for Paul Rudd, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

    That night, there is more E-Mail. "Girls, get some rest tonight, because tomorrow the sky's the limit, love Elle." Olivia wonders if they might have to be birds. The next day, they're taken to Pinewood Studios, which Charlotte and Tiffany are very excited about. They enter a giant hanger and are greeted by Grace, who has decided to mark the occasion by dressing as the Bird Lady of Alcatraz. The first thing Joy spots, however, is the ambulance, which she notes with some irony is a reassuring presence. Behind Grace, a man leaps from some scaffolding and lands on a giant crash mat. Grace informs them that they too will be leaping from a height of 20ft for their shoot today. With Grace is today's client, Lisa McWilliam Herbert, who is representing Galaxy Ripple. Lisa explains that they will be conveying the sense of enjoying her chocolate and getting that floaty feeling, "and you literally will be floating because you will be falling from that scaffold." This makes literally no sense for many reasons, the very least of which is that floating and falling are clearly not synonyms. Grace explains that the girl who wins this challenge will be part of their next campaign. Olivia is excited because she's a daredevil, Amelia is rather more nervous. The stuntman explains to the girls that the most important part is to remember to land on your bum, not your feet. I'll say that again: LAND ON YOUR BUM, NOT YOUR FEET. This will be important later.

    Charlotte is excited about the prospect of the jump. Alisha decides that "safety mat" is a misnomer, and that she'd rather refer to it as a "death trap". Heh. The girls are all given a practice jump to begin with: Charlotte goes first and plants her bum squarely on the giant X as she lands. "Good old bum," she laughs in an interview. "See, it comes in handy, this big bum." Hee. Joy is atop the scaffolding, and asked what she needs to land on. "My arse," she replies. LOVE HER. Unfortunately, she lands on her feet, and hurts her knees. Alisha needs a bit more time to prepare, but executes an excellent fall in the end. Tiffany freaks, but manages to do the jump. Olivia interviews that she couldn't wait to do her jump, but decided to let Amelia go before her because she was so nervous and wanted to get it over with. Amelia has a meltdown when she gets up there, and when she actually does jump, she gets her form all wrong and lands in a kind of crouch. She informs us in an interview that her knees came up and hit her nose and her right eye. Ooh, ouch. She's taken over to the paramedics and treated for her injuries which, for reasons I can't quite determine, means that Olivia is taken up to the scaffolding, but has to wait for Amelia to emerge from treatment before she can jump. This takes about 20 minutes, which is more than enough time for Olivia to psych herself out completely. Olivia can't actually bring herself to jump when her turn comes and begins to cry. Grace goes up to reassure her and give her a hug, but it's no good for Olivia, who's completely in bits by this point. The stunt co-ordinator tells Olivia that it's now or never, pretty much. "You'll be fine," yells Amelia from the ground; however, this reassurance is somewhat undermined by the giant ice pack she is currently holding to her face. Olivia is given one more shot, but can't do it, and goes back down the lift. She admits that she doesn't know what happened to her up there. Amelia interviews that it doesn't look good for Olivia to have gone to pieces in front of the client and one of the judges, and does not seem to be aware of the part she played in Olivia's downfall. Except maybe that was her plan all along? Maybe Kirsty's giant bitch edit was all an elaborate subterfuge to make us overlook Amelia and her evil plans? The stunt co-ordinator takes the decision not to let Olivia jump at all, because she's so upset that there's a good chance she'll hurt herself in the process.

    Charlotte, Joy and Alisha are having their make-up done, and when the other three arrive, they wonder what the hell happened to Olivia and Amelia. Chocolate Ambassador Lisa explains that they're looking for a girl-next-door type, but they have to be professional and relax and get the shop done. Joy goes first and meets with Neal Haynes, the photographer, who warns her that they don't have much time and will only be able to do about three jumps. For some reason they're being shot from on the ground as they jump; now, I'm no professional photographer, but that seems to me to be an impossible angle to get a good shot from. Joy interviews that they were supposed to be conveying the impression of jumping off a building and "floating" to the ground, but that it felt more like "you were walking down the street and just fell down a pothole." Joy jumps, but struggles to achieve the horizontal falling position the client wants, because she admits that she wanted to be able to see she was going to land on the crash mat and not, y'know, break her neck and die. Neal thinks her stance makes her look like Batman. Joy explains that they had to look into the light, but not at the photographer, make sure their hair wasn't in the way, but also look normal. This is actually quite a complicated shoot, basically. Joy jumps again, but the results are not good. Grace thinks she looks "utterly terrified".

    Charlotte goes next, and pulls off a rather balletic leap. She interviews that one she realised she could land, she knew she only had a couple of shots to nail the rest of the pose. She really enjoyed it, but isn't sure she's produced a great shot. Alisha's skirt keeps billowing up around her face so all we can see is her knickers, and hits her head as she lands on one of her attempts, which upsets her. Grace thinks she's grimacing in her picture rather than smiling. Tiffany is wearing the absolute worst hairpiece I have ever seen. She looks like she's playing the village wench in an amateur dramatic adaptation of a Thomas Hardy novel. She explains that "the shoot was about the girl next door, and I haven't seen no girl next door with short orange hair." Heh. She's happy about the wig, so that's the main thing, I guess.

    Amelia goes next, and is asked by Neal how she feels. "Really nervous!" she shouts from the scaffold. This is apparently not the answer Neal wanted. Amelia says that she felt "like one of those 16th century people, when they're jumping to their death on the lallows". And if that makes any sense to you, you're smarter than I am. After a couple of fluttery false starts, Amelia finally leaps - and lands on her bum this time. Hooray! Although she promptly sits up and apologises to the entire studio, declaring her effort "horrendous". She jumps a few more times, and the results are not inspiring. I will be literally amazed if anyone gets a good shot, because the entire set-up of this shot was ludicrous.

    Backstage, the girls deconstruct their day's work. None of them are feeling terribly confident, but Olivia thinks none of them have anything to worry about because at least they went through with it. Back home, there is E-Mail, read by Amelia: "Girls, what an eventful two days. Enjoy your evening because tomorrow it'll be time to find out who has fallen from grace, and will be leaving the competition for good. See you at elimination, love Elle x". Amelia is not expecting it to be easy. Olivia thinks that was the hardest challenge they've ever faced. Alisha prepares to open a can of whup-ass on Julien if he has anything negative to say. Adverts.

    Elimination room. The girls troop in, looking like awesome space hookers. Elle introduces the panel, who all get muted "hi"s from the diminished round of contestants. Guest panellist this week is Neal the photographer from the jumping shoot, who is wearing some very nice glasses. Elle runs through the prizes, which I've just realised include "the chance to appear in a Revlon campaign", which sounds awfully vague. I mean, theoretically I've got the chance of appearing in a Revlon campaign, but it's not likely to happen, is it?

    Joy is up first. Julien tells her she looks more beautiful in front of him than she does in her beauty picture, which makes her look older than she is. Elle thinks she looks like a young Audrey Hepburn in the picture. Julien disagrees. Charley thinks she should've had more energy behind the eyes, but she has done well. We then have a look at Joy's jumping shot (and, by the way, all of these pictures will feature some spectacularly half-arsed photoshopping to make the girls look like they're actually jumping off a building). Joy's best shot is not great, as Elle wonders if she was pushed rather than jumping. Grace congratulates her for jumping despite being terrified.

    Alisha's next, and her beauty shot gets rave reviews. Her falling shot looks mad, however, but Julien admires her professionalism in going through with it. Amelia's beauty shot is nice, but Elle thinks her claims of liking what she sees sound rather hollow. Amelia explains that she had issues on the day so she was expecting the shot to look worse. Grace tells her it's a beautiful picture, and Julien thinks she looks desirable, but Neal isn't sure it's a shot worthy of a top model. Her falling shot is rather awkward, and Elle thinks that Amelia looks like she has soiled herself. Nice. However, Elle is impressed that she got back up after falling and hurting herself. Neal reminds her that it's a big shot for a big campaign, and that she needs to go all out to get the shot.

    Olivia is looking defeated, and explains to Elle and the panel that she's normally daring but something took over her at yesterday's shoot. Grace explains to her that if she has to find a way to overcome this, as if it had happened on a job, her agency would've been sued. Olivia cries. Julien says it doesn't necessarily mean that they'll have to eliminate her, as she has potential. They look at her beauty shot, which Julien thinks is beautiful, and Neal sees some Rihanna in there. Tiffany goes next, and Elle doesn't like the angle or expression of Tiffany's shot, and thinks she needs another haircut. Grace tells Tiffany that she needs to think attitude when she's taking a shot, and that this picture is an example of what she shouldn't be doing. Tiffany clarifies with them that they need more quirkiness from her. Her falling shot isn't great either, but the panel think it's the best one they've seen so far.

    Finally there's Charlotte. Her beauty shot is lovely, I think, and Grace tells her that she definitely doesn't look fat, which is a rather odd compliment for a face-only beauty shot, but I suspect it's only there so Julien can have a platform to be apologetic as only he can. He tells her not to think that he doesn't like her, because he does, and she's "not too fat", but catwalk models are just a bit slimmer than she is. Which is, essentially, pretty much what he said last week, and in terms of the really insulting things Julien has said this series, it probably wouldn't make the top 10. Her falling shot is decent, and Elle reveals that it was the brand's favourite shot of the day, and it will be used in an upcoming campaign for Galaxy Ripple.

    Deliberation time. Julien thinks there's nothing special about Tiffany, and Grace thinks her beauty shot is too "Lady Di". Olivia lacks confidence, and Charley points out that in the real world, your agency would call you beforehand to check that you're okay with jumping 20 feet off some scaffolding onto a crashmat. Which is a very valid point and I'm glad he made it, but at the same time, I think if Olivia had received a call like that, she would've said yes, because it wasn't until Amelia nearly concussed herself with her own limbs that Olivia started to question the sanity of leaping off some scaffolding to make people buy more chocolate. Julien thinks Amelia looks like "an exotic jewellery box". Charley likes to see Alisha looking softer in a beauty shot. Julien doesn't like Joy's beauty shot, but Charley thinks that she's made for beauty shots. Elle likes Charlotte because "she can do a bit of everything"; Julien admits that he didn't like her at first, but "she was a star from the beginning, and she's still here."

    So, who gets first call-out this week? Alisha, whose beauty shot Elle absolutely loves. Following her are Charlotte, Amelia, and Joy, which leaves Tiffany and Olivia in the bottom two. Olivia looks like a top model in person, but the light behind her eyes reveals a scared little girl, apparently. Tiffany doesn't look like a top model in person, but works hard every time to get the shot. So who stays, the girl who works hard, or the girl who wastes her potential? Duh. Tiffany gets the last picture, of course, and Olivia gets the boot. Elle tells her that she has the potential to do whatever she wants, and she needs to go home and practice. Back at the house, Olivia admits that she wanted to stay, but she doesn't want to take someone else's spot since she didn't do the freefalling shot. She leaves a note behind her, which includes the phrase "Sorry about spelling", bless her. Olivia troops away from Model Manor, and fades out of the picture.

    Next time: the girls turn photographer, but some cope better than others. George Lamb stops buy for a photoshoot, and the girls get their pictures taken in a room full of rugby players. Helen will be walking you through that one, so come back soon to see what she makes of it!