Three's not Company

Top 9: 20th August 2012

Previously on BintModel: the contestants could not speak French (apart from Madeleine), nor could they let the sexy music do the talking. Letitia ended up being the least-worst at pretending to be a Francophone, and her prize was being allowed to steal five minutes of Anne's photo shoot time. This is a particularly bitter blow since the photo shoot in question involved getting all sexy with hot French male models, and also getting to be around Joy from cycle six. I'm trying to imagine how Helen would have responded to someone cutting into her Joy-time. [Cutting- Helen] I don't think it would have gone down well. Whether it was because of reduced time or a general lack of suitability to the task at hand, Anne failed to produce a shot that the judges liked, and she was sent home.

This week: the girls pose near my office! Madeleine lays down some real truth flavour on Anita! Roxanne has some sort of meltdown over Julien! This is going to be amazing.

Titles. ARE YOU WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR? IS IT A GIRL LIKE YOU? EH? EH?

Late night at Model Manor. Emma interviews that she came very close to going home last week, and that's more than close enough for her liking, thank you very much. Madeleine interviews that it was horrible, and she really didn't think it would be Anne who went. Then there is Elle Mail, read by Lisa: "Hi girls, you'd better start practising those poses, as tomorrow you'll get a chance to display your full model potential. Love Elle x" Lisa (correctly) predicts that they'll be live mannequins, which Anita thinks will be "so much fun!" Risikat points out that it will involve having to stand still for a really long time, which is precisely the opposite of fun in her book. Madeleine, meanwhile, has decided not to get involved in this squabble and is practising her poses on the arm of the sofa instead. Anita and Kellie interview (separately) that Madeleine loves posing, and pretty much never stops.

Carnaby Street! At the risk of oversharing, I'm really excited by this, because I was on Carnaby Street when they were filming this. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I saw lots of girls stood in the middle of the street doing poses with camera crews around them and I thought "I wonder if this is for BintModel?" and IT TOTALLY WAS. I feel as though I'm playing a role in this series, however small. [I'll feel the same way when my episode of Apprentice Babies airs - Helen] Lisa interviews that when they turned up it was pouring with rain and very cold. Thanks, Lisa, but we can pretty much infer that from seeing everyone wearing coats and carrying umbrellas. And the fact that, y'know, you're in Britain. Someone called Laura Whitmore greets them and reminds them that they're in one of the most famous shopping spots in the country, and that as a model you have to get used to people looking at you, so today they'll be competing against each other for the attention of the passing public. They'll be standing on a red carpet for an hour. In the rain. Even pose queen Madeleine is finding it difficult to get enthused about this. Laura Whitmore sends them all off to get changed.

The girls return dressed in plain white long-sleeved tops and blue jeans, clearly shivering. Laura Whitmore tells them that their hour starts now, and that they should commence posing. They're all wearing number tags, presumably for ease of identification in the public vote. Frankly, I wish they'd been wearing those all series, it would've helped me keep Emma and Letitia straight in those post-makeover weeks [I don't understand why they made them look even more the same. - Helen]. The girls strike poses of varying qualities (Anita opts for a particularly tragic one where she places her fingertips together under her chin like she's Jennifer Love Hewitt playing Audrey Hepburn in a bad TV movie [I've seen that TV movie. It's awesome - Helen]) and Risikat looks uncomfortable already. Laura Whitmore jokes with a male passerby about how it's so hard to judge girls, isn't it? I don't know, the Daily Mail seems to manage it without too much trouble. One female bystander offers her vote to Kellie whose poses she likes, while the bloke from earlier likes Anita and Lisa, though I'm not entirely sure it's their modelling skills that he's assessing.

Risikat, meanwhile, has her arms folded and is rolling her eyes, and interviews that her pose represented exactly how she felt. She'll go a long way with that attitude, and by "a long way", I mean "home". Several passerbys point out that Risikat is looking angry and kind of off-putting. Risikat tells Letitia that this whole process is ridiculous and has nothing to do with becoming a top model. I kind of hope she means the show as a whole, but even if she just means this challenge, she's still got a point. What remains of Risikat's patience is eradicated when two women ask all the girls to turn around so they can examine their bottoms (pfft, lesbians) and declare themselves very impressed with Emma's cheeks. That's enough for Risikat, and she's off. "Is she crying?" Lisa asks Letitia. "Or does she just need to go to the toilet?" HA! Laura Whitmore sprints down the street after Risikat, and Roxanne follows, saying that she felt bad about her friend and wanted to make sure that she was all right. Risikat complains to Laura Whitmore that she didn't like being told to turn around and having her arse inspected, and I'm wondering exactly what she thinks happens at a model casting. Here's a hint: it doesn't involve writing essays or giving your thoughts on world peace. If she finds objectification so upsetting, she may want to consider another career. Laura Whitmore does not give her the lecture that Tyra/Mr Jay/Elle/Grace would probably have delivered at this point, and just asks Risikat what she wants to do, and then sends her back to the red carpet without waiting for her answer.

The girls continue posing, with Risikat making as little effort as humanly possible. A passing cook picks Madeleine as his favourite. Roxanne interviews that she'd run out of poses, and this apparently prompted an overall reality TV crisis, so she walks off and starts crying about missing her daughter. Laura Whitmore gives her a big hug, and an unsympathetic passerby photographs the crying girl. Lovely. Laura Whitmore gives Roxanne a quick pep talk and tells her to knock 'em dead in the last 15 minutes. Laura Whitmore has a lot more patience with these lollygaggers than I would have had. Kellie interviews that they're all so lucky to have this opportunity so she doesn't see the point in complaining. She's delighted to be here, on the street, in the rain. Then again, Kellie is Irish. She's probably very used to rain. (I base this assessment on one day this year that I spent in Dublin. I realise that's a fairly narrow sample but MOTHERFUCKER it rained a lot.) At the end of the hour, Laura Whitmore releases them. The person with the fewest votes...was Kellie. Risikat interviews that she's stunned, though to be fair I imagine a lot of the hipsters who frequent Carnaby Street probably thought she was being ironic in her hostility to the whole process, and voted for her because they thought she was one of them. Jennifer interviews that she's amazed Kellie got so few votes when she was working so hard. Kellie, to her credit, takes this crushing vote of indifference from the public with good humour, though she should probably watch out because the bus that came so unswervingly for Anne last week is clearly out for her tonight. The person with the most votes, who wins a shopping spree on Carnaby Street with a friend, is Emma. She picks Letitia to join her, perhaps in the hope that they can spend the money on two of everything and officially become twins. So Emma and Letitia get to stay on Carnaby Street, while everyone else gets sent home. Considering the weather, this might be one of those situations where everyone's kind of fine with not winning.

Ad break. I love that Eva Longoria is advertising Sheba these days, especially when the theme of the advert appears to be "I am considering having sex with my cat".

When we return, everyone's back at the house (no shopping spree montage? Boo!), Just Casually Hanging Out in the way that people on reality TV do when they've clearly been told to Just Casually Hang Out because something's about to happen. [I am particularly enjoying the 'bedtime' hanging about sections because they seem to consist of the girls in full makeup wearing whatever they were wearing that day with slippers and a dressing gown flung on - Helen] The doorbell goes, and it's a takeaway delivery. Hooray! It is, of course, all an excuse for manufactured drama, as the takeaway includes a dessert bag filled with fortune cookies, and Risikat interviews that they were anticipating them to contain some provocative questions. Risikat's asks who has the most annoying habits, and she picks Jennifer, saying that she feels Jennifer tries to force her opinions on to people. Cut to an interview with Jennifer, all "I enjoyed the meal until we got to the Bitch Course." Anita's question is "who is the biggest model diva?" She guffaws "I know if any of you had this question, you would say me!" and the silence that follows suggests that yes, most of them probably would. Anita picks Madeleine, who's all "wow! I've never had a title before!" but then kisses her teeth in an interview, suggesting she's not quite as happy with this turn of events as she'd like everyone to think. Madeleine's question is "who is the least high-fashion?" and she picks Letitia, on the grounds that her face is "pretty sexy". Letitia frostily replies that she can be versatile, while Risikat hypocriterviews that Letitia needs to get over herself. Madeleine gives the best interview of the entire episode when she points out that Letitia's face coupled with her "humungous knockers" are not high-fashion [Oh, I love her so - Helen]. Letitia says that the last three times at panel no one's even mentioned the sexy thing, SO THERE. Emma's question is "who would you least like to be paired with for a photo shoot?" For some reason, they're all deciding to answer this one, going one-by-one around the table. Emma gives the total pussy answer of choosing Roxanne because "she'd steal my limelight". Madeleine answers Anita, "because you'd bore the shit out of me with all your 'I don't know who I'm fancying today'..." Snerk. Anita is outraged by this (entirely accurate) summary of her character, and interviews that she's officially DONE being nice to Madeleine. Oh, grow up. Outside, Anita bitches to Risikat, Letitita and Roxanne that she wouldn't be friends with Madeleine outside of the show, so she doesn't see why she should be friends with her on the show, and also she doesn't like the way Madeleine speaks to people. Because Anita is always so warm and friendly. Madeleine interviews that nothing the other girls say can shock her, yet they always seem to be shocked by everything she says and she doesn't know why. Heh.

The girls are loafing around in the living room sometime later, presumably as a result of post-Chinese takeaway bloat, and an Elle Mail arrives, which Roxanne reads. "Hi girls, In the competitive world of modelling, you have to make first impressions count. You'll be meeting some very important people tomorrow where it's every girl for herself. Love Elle x" The girls presume this means castings. Either they're a pretty astute bunch this year, or the production team have stopped bothering to make them cryptic. Whatever the reason, I'm sure Michael Gove will be intervening soon to stop Elle Mail interpretation inflation.

The next day, the girls walk into a studio, where Julien is standing with top British designer Hasan Hejazi, who appears to be one of those people who is good-looking but dresses like a complete bozo so you don't really notice. He's designed for the likes of Kylie and Jessie J, and Hasan tells the girls he likes a model who has the confidence to portray a sense of sexual power. Julien tells them that he and Hasan will be judging them, but - SHOCK TWIST! - they'll also be judging each other. Lisa interviews that they'll be marking each other's walks out of five - "five being the best," she adds helpfully. Hasan hands out the outfits to the girls, and before giving Roxanne her dress, he asks her to turn around so he can see her bum. See, I TOLD YOU. I don't notice Risikat walking out in disgust, but perhaps she just sneezed when he said that and didn't hear him. I'm sure that must be it.

Emma interviews that when they started to put the clothes on, they realised how small they were - the dresses may have been marked size eight, but they didn't feel like it. Oh, fashion, with your eternal need for women to secretly be fourteen-year-old boys. Madeleine's outfit won't even zip up, despite Jennifer's efforts to help her. Anita can't get her dress over her arse.

Kellie is called upon to walk first, and she interviews that initially she thought the whole judging-each-other thing would be fun, because they'd totally stick together in the interests of sisterhood? Oh, Kellie. You really haven't seen this show before, have you? She gets a total score of 32 from the others, and notes that Letitia only gave her a three, when Letitia's always praised her walk in private. Kellie suspects that Letitia might be deliberately low-balling out of self-interest. Unfortunately, this does not pay off as a strategy since Letitia's walk gets threes from pretty much everyone. "I thought her walk was crap anyway, but I would have given her more marks if she hadn't given me a three," Kellie interviews. Letitia's total is 25. Roxanne's walk is rather stilted, which she explains is because her dress was digging into her pelvis and making her really uncomfortable. This does not escape Hasan's notice. Roxanne gets a score of 22, including a 2 from Letitia. Letitia tries to tell her that "two is really good", and Roxanne shoots right back that Letitia is full of shit because she cried when she got a three. Heh. Also, I notice that Anita is low-scoring everyone too and getting away with it. DAMN YOU ANITA.

Anita walks, admitting that her walk is terrible. She gets 18 (plus whatever Risikat scores her, which isn't shown). Next is Lisa, who gets 37 (not 38, as Julien says, he just can't add up). Emma is after her, and her little sashay at the end of her walk gets mocked by Julien for being old-fashioned. She gets 25 (again, Julien says 26 - is there a secret tenth contestant who always scores one point, or does Julien need a calculator?) Madeleine walks in her leotard, and Jennifer interviews "I think she needed to do her bikini line. It wasn't nice from up close." Heh. Madeleine, however, insists "everything was clean for landing." She gets 22 (Julien and I agree on this one). Risikat walks and gets 36, and during this it seems Letitia is still winding Roxanne up. Jennifer walks and gets a 1 from Letitia, the lowest individual score so far. Letitia's all "I thought Roxanne was better, and I gave Roxanne a two, so *shruggy-shoulders-googly-eyes*" Roxanne is clearly about to lamp her with the little handbag-shaped scorecards they've all got. We don't see Jennifer's overall score.

At the end, Julien comes over all deputy headmaster and tells the girls that if they came to see him for a casting, he'd tell them all to leave because they were all talking and half of them looked bored. He singles Roxanne out in particular, which infuriates her. Later, back at the house, she rants about how she's just "a laid-back person" and she's not going to be saying "'oh hi Julien, I'm so excited to see you again!'" Remember when Joy saw Julien and was all "oh God, him again"? Ah, good times. Letitia interviews chirpily that she feels guilty because she was the one who kept talking to Roxanne. I am so ready for Letitia to go now. Back to the room, and the girl with the most votes is Lisa. Hasan says that the girl who embodies his style the most is Letitia, with a little bit of tweaking. Kellie interviews that Letitia has a "smirky, flirty" look and that's why she was chosen. She wonders if her own look is the reason she's not doing so well lately.

More ads. A reminder that Elementary is coming on later this year. Lucy Liu as Dr Watson? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.

Then we're back at the house for another Elle Mail, read by Risikat. "Hi ladies, Have you been keeping good company with each other? We'll find out soon. Love Elle x" Kellie reckons this must be to do with Company magazine. She's right, because the next day, the girls are led to a rooftop where they're met by Victoria White, editor of Company. (Which is produced in the office two floors below me, just around the corner from Carnaby Street where Risikat had her little strop. Just a bit of background colour for you there.) She tells them they'll be shooting for a six-page spread in the magazine, and hands over to their photographer for the day, Diana Gomez. Diana explains that it's a sports shoot, so she needs energy and attitude, and Victoria tells them that while there are nine of them taking part, only six will appear in the finished feature.

Off to hair and make-up! Jennifer's excited about the potential of appearing in the magazine and hopes to be among the lucky six. Roxanne interviews that they were just sitting there, minding their own business, getting their make-up done, when Rizzle Kicks walked in. Everyone gets very excited, though to be honest I'm not sure I'd recognise Rizzle Kicks if my life depended on it. Also, they're Olly Murs enablers, so I don't approve of them on principle. (Although 'Heart Skips A Beat' is the only Olly Murs song that's any good, I'm SO CONFLICTED.) Anita asks if they'll be in the shoot with them, and Rizzle (or possible Kicks) confirms that they will, and will be such crap models that they'll make the girls look good by comparison. That's possibly the most helpful thing anyone has ever offered to do on this show.

Roxanne is first to be shot, and is keen to appear more warm and approachable after Julien called her moody. She says that in the shoot, she felt like she was embracing having her afro for the first time. Victoria and Diana say that she made it look easy. Up next is Emma, who can't stop shivering. Emma interviews that it was the most difficult shoot to date, and Victoria notes that the combination of shivering and nerves is not a good one. Then we have Jennifer, who's sporting a natty pink visor. She says she treated Rizzle Kicks like she'd known them for years, and Victoria notes how relaxed she looks: "I think she's one of those girls that likes boys." Gasp! You mean she's a heterosexual? BAN THIS SICK FILTH! Lisa is next, and Diana wants her to be more playful and open her eyes more. Lisa's struggling though, because the sun is in her eyes (oh no, she's caught Anita-itis!) and worries that she looked too serious in her shots. Victoria thinks Lisa didn't interact with Rizzle Kicks enough.

That's not a criticism that can be levelled at Madeleine, who has "good moves" and "a great body", according to Victoria, who tells Madeleine at the end that she'd definitely consider booking her for the magazine. Madeleine, of course, goes straight to the others to make sure they know she's a threat, and Anita snoterviews that Madeleine is just a "B-I-T-C-H". For crying out loud, Anita, you are a grown woman and you are on reality TV. You are allowed to say "bitch". Risikat interviews that towards the end of the day, Rizzle Kicks were getting tired and starting to mess around, but she knew she had to focus on standing out to make the cut for the magazine. Unfortunately, they decided at one point to push her out of the shot entirely, which made things somewhat more difficult. Victoria states later that she loved Risikat when she came out and she looked like she fitted in with Rizzle Kicks (maybe they could call themselves Rizzi Kats?), but for some reason it doesn't work in the pictures. Letitia does a good job, but Victoria notes she couldn't really warm to her as a person. Diana tells Rizzle Kicks to whisper something into Anita's ear, but Anita refuses to reveal what they actually said. Personally, I'm hoping it was "you're not very good, how are you still here?" Victoria says that Anita was fun, but lacked Letitia's drive and focus. Finally we have Kellie, who seems to struggle with the relaxed side of things once again, and Victoria thinks she might have been overthinking it all.

Back in the make-up room, there is Elle Mail for Roxanne: "Dear Roxanne, Being a mum I know how tough it can be working away from your children. It has been weeks for you now so I have arranged a little surprise for you." Enter Roxanne's daughter, cue emotional slow-mo montage. Roxanne's daughter looks thoroughly unimpressed with Mum's new hair, incidentally. Roxanne says that seeing her daughter has given her strength and reminded her what she's doing all this for. [This bit was the actual worst. It wouldn't surprise me if the whole section with Julien was to get Roxanne even more upset so this bit would be sadder. Manipulative and transparent. Awful - Helen]

At the house, Emma interviews that she doesn't know who's going home. Risikat points out that they don't really know what the clients needs were. Madeleine, who pretty much got a guarantee that she met the client's needs, is pretty confident about her chances, but admits that it's all down to the whims of the judges.

Speaking of which, Voice of Fearne reminds us that it's judgement day. What, no Elle Mail? Swizz. After VoF has run us through the prizes, she introduces us to this week's guest judge: hot British model (and daughter of Annie) Tali Lennox. In the judging room, Elle tells the girls that this week they learned that everyone's going to have a different perspective on them: their clients, their competitors, sarky bloggers, and so on. First up for appraisal is Madeleine. We see her picture, and Tali thinks there's not much of a dynamic between Madeleine and Rizzle Kicks, but that Madeleine looks stunning. Whitney thinks Madeleine's body looks amazing in the picture, but her facial expression is too harsh. Elle says that the editor really liked her, and they've chosen her picture for the magazine. What a surprise! Next up is Anita, and Elle sees her as "this gorgeous actress". Tyson thinks she's "getting it". Or at least she will be later, AMIRITE? Julien tells her to "forget about The Rizzle Kicks" (bless), because the picture is all about her. Anita has been chosen to be in the magazine, because the universe hates me and she's going to be around forever despite being The Actual Worst.

Obligatory mid-judging ad break. Smirnoff really do seem to be going out to reach that coveted hipster demographic, don't they?

When we return, Jennifer is next. Tyson loves her body expression, and thinks she looks like Italian Vogue. Tali thinks it's almost there, but it needs more directness. Elle reveals that Jennifer's picture narrowly missed selection. The fuck? I will never understand how Anita got in and Jennifer didn't, especially since Jennifer seemed to be performing so well during the actual shoot. (Perhaps Jennifer's look is too harsh for Company, which is a possibility. Even so, though: Anita? REALLY?!) Next is Lisa, whose shot is loved by the entire panel and she made the cut for the magazine. I know this is pretty much a staple of the Top Model franchise, but this week more than ever it seems like what happens on the shoot and the verdicts given at panel take place in two separate realities. Then we have Letitia, who is reminded that the girls all thought she sucked during the casting challenge, but the client loved her, which just goes to show that in the fashion world, no one really cares if you're a bitch as long as you keep booking work. Her picture doesn't get rave reviews: Whitney thinks she looks constipated. Tyson disagrees, however, he thinks she looks fresh. Elle tells her that the clients liked her as a model but not as a person, but she's in the magazine anyway. Gah! At this rate it's going to be an Anita vs Letitia final and I might actually hurt myself.

Dum-dum-de-dum-dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum. That funereal tone is to indicate that Risikat is next, and Elle wants to talk about what happened on the living mannequin challenge. What gives? Risikat explains that she was feeling low and homesick, and she didn't want to stand in the cold and rain for an hour because it didn't feel like it was anything to do with modelling. Elle tells her that there is "a certain element of people having a perspective on the way you look" (a certain element???) and if Risikat can't deal with that, this is probably not the right job for her. Tali tells her that as a model you do get homesick, but the reality is that NO1 CURR. Tyson tells her that walking off a job is not good, and they might send her home just for that. Risikat waggles her head, and Tyson objects to that as well. We see her best shot, and Julien says that they look like a band where she's the lead singer, and she overshadows the boys. Company liked the picture so much that it's going in the magazine, and Risikat simpers so much that even Letitia is like "gurl, dial it down a notch"

Next is Emma, whose shot is "a tricky one" according to Tali, because Rizzle Kicks look like they're having fun but Emma looks like she doesn't want to be there. Elle doesn't love it either, but Julien likes the picture - he feels like Emma's striking a modelly pose between two sporty guys. Elle tells Emma that the clients thought she looked uncomfortable, and her picture will not be in Company. After her comes Kellie, whose body language tells the judges from the off that she's not feeling very confident this week. She explains how she totally bombed the live mannequin challenge, and Elle suggests they look at her photo: Whitney feels conflicted about it because Kellie's face looks pretty but there's "something about it I'm just not understanding". Well, that's helpful. Kellie's picture will not be in Company, nor will it be on the side of the bus that is coming for her in about five minutes' time. Finally, we have Roxanne: she explains that she's struggled with her emotions, and Elle says that that's why they arranged to have her daughter come and visit her, because the fashion world is notoriously sympathetic and accommodating like that. Roxanne says that she feels better now that she knows her daughter is okay. I'm sure that whoever is caring for the daughter in Roxanne's absence, presumably free of charge, was thrilled to hear that extremely complimentary assessment of their guardianship skills. Roxanne sees her picture and doesn't like it, but we all know it's going to be in Company anyway because three girls have already been rejected. Apparently Roxanne is the editor's favourite and the photographer's favourite. Julien likes it because it's young and editorial, and Tali thinks it's a well-balanced photo.

Backstage: Emma sobs that she thinks she's going home. In the judging room, the judges deliberate. Whitney grumbles that the client chose Madeleine to be in the magazine even though she thinks hers was the weakest picture. OH NOES SUCH BETRAYAL. Julien thinks she looks like she's walking out of the competition. Anita looks like a top model, everyone thinks, and Tali Lennox adds that Anita seems like a really nice girl. Tali Lennox is clearly an appalling judge of character. The judges loved Jennifer's shot, but Company did not. Julien thinks Lisa's shot is strong and athletic. Whitney doesn't love Letitita's pose, but enjoys seeing her look different, even if that's a styling change rather than a modelling one. Risikat's picture is great, but her attitude stinks. Julien thinks Emma has incredible potential, but she just needs some help. Tyson wonders if they might be too far into the process for that. Julien keeps falling in love with Kellie's personality, but not her modelling. Whitney agrees that they need to separate the two. Interestingly, no one made this point when Tali was gushing about what a wonderful human being Anita must clearly be. Finally, Roxanne delivered a great photo, and Whitney thinks she deserves to stay.

The girls return. Elle has nine girls before her, but only eight pictures in her hand. First called and winner of picture of the week is Lisa. Following her are Roxanne, Jennifer, Risikat, Anita, Letitia, and Emma. That leaves Kellie and Madeleine in the bottom two, and Elle informs them that "the name of the girl I do not call must leave immediately." For the love of fierce, Elle, SORT YOUR SENTENCE STRUCTURE OUT. Elle tells them that they're both there because they have the weakest shots, but one of the images was liked by the client, and one of the images was liked by the judges. If that's the case, then why was the only feedback they showed for Kellie's picture Whitney talking about how she didn't understand it? Ugh, this show sometimes. Anyway, obviously this is modelling and the needs of the client are paramount (and also this is reality TV and the epicmazing bitch has to stick around), so Madeleine gets a picture and Kellie is dismissed. Kellie, characteristically, takes this news very well - far better than I do. I need to stop having favourites on this show, because my favourites never last long. (Ufuoma, NEVA 4GET.) Madeleine heads back to join the other survivors and is all "LOL I'M STILL HERE BITCHES". Jennifer congratulates her, Risikat mumbles something vaguely positive, no one else seems particularly moved.

Kellie is just pleased to have got this far and made some good friends. She's going to miss Lisa the most, because the Axis Of Irish, while nowhere near as amazing as last year's Axis Of Blonde Eastern European Evil, was one of the sweeter strands of narrative subtext this series. Judging by the way Lisa's crying, I suspect the feeling is mutual. Kellie heads back to say goodbye, and the girls pile on her. We see Kellie's portfolio, and to be fair, it's not exactly amazing, but I still think she was a fun presence on this show and I for one shall miss her.

Next week: a nude shoot! With boys! And a catwalk on water, which seems to involve someone taking a full-on buttplant. I hope it's Anita. Join Helen next week for all the details.

I can't speak French, so I something something talking

Top 10 – 13^th August 2012

Hello! Yes, you are all expecting me last week but you got Steve instead, which is no bad thing in my eyes but it definitely is my turn to pour some scorn on the models with my bitchy gravy boat. (Does that work? I like it. It’s the kind of mood I’m in so lucky you lot.)

And so to business. We get a recap of last week. The highlights of which are everyone looking a bit like men and Anne got through by virtue of not being Tasmin.  This week it looks like advert recording (YAY) and we’re promised an old face.  I hope its Joy and not Celia Oldface from ANTM who looked like an actual Terrahawk. Could it be Joy?  If it was her, I’d be filled with... pleased.

BE DA ONE I CHO-OOSE.

Everyone goes back to the house. Anne cryterviews that everything is SO HARD whilst Anita holds court over everyone saying how the photoshoot should have been so ‘her thing’. Seriously, why are we being told that Madeleine is the villain when Anita exists? Lisa says, wait for it, “being in the bottom two makes you feel like you’re at the bottom of the bunch”. Seriously. How are we ever struggling as a country when there are great minds like this working on our television screens? Anita hopes that being in the bottom two will give Anne a kick up the arse. SERIOUSLY, FUCK OFF.

Come on Madeleine, make it better. Madeleine interviews that Anne was her biggest competition and now she has slid to the bottom two and now she feels like she has a chance. Anne interviews that she’s going to be ten times better this week.

ELLE MAIL! “Hello girls! So you’ve previously learned how to walk the walk but can you talk the talk? Be ready at 6am tomorrow love Elle x”. Let’s see them try to work this one out then. Risikat thinks that she’ll be presenting television. Anne thinks it’s interviewing someone. Anita suddenly announces in the middle of all this that she loves presenting. Yes, because of all that stuff that you’ve presented because your face is EVERYWHERE. Emma snideterveiews that Anne seems scared by talking and she’s probably worried. Everyone goes to bed.

But this is television so we don’t have to wait because it’s the next morning now and Kellie is telling us about a gigantic apartment that they all go to where Whitney (I still don’t know who she is. Or is it that I don’t care? One or the other, I dunno) is with the client. The client is Ludovic Leray who is not a Bond Villain but a representative of Alcatel who do phones and shit. Ludovic wants them to shoot an advert and embrace a continental feel and prove they have a Je ne sais quoi. For totally real the only two who know what this is are Risikat and Madeleine. The rest of them look confused and blank faced. [More so than usual. - Steve] Risikat and Madeleine all but high five each other.  Whitney then breaks the news that in honour of our very own Steve who aced his A level French this week they will be doing the advert in French which is the language of love and that they will have to pretend to be talking to their lover.  Madeleine looks about ready to pop at this news when Whitney tells her that she will be doing the advert in Italian to make it fair because she grew up in France. So the fact that she has to do every other challenge in her second language doesn’t come into this then? Cos apparently that’s totally fair. LOGIC, THY NAME IS NEVER BINTMODEL.

Madeleine takes this with good grace because she’s actually a decent human being. Whitney tells them that they have an hour to learn their lines. This makes Lisa actually panic. Whitney wishes them bon chance but she doesn’t use a French accent so it doesn’t mean anything.

Montage of thick girls getting stuff wrong for our amusement!

Madeleine is translating for everyone because, as I said above, she’s only a superbitch when they feel like it. Letitia interbitches that she couldn’t learn her lines because everyone was talking around her and it confused her tiny head. Anita needs to practice with a telephone whilst Jennifer removes the last sliver of respect I had for her by describing the situation as “so cringe”.

Kellie arrives first doing her whole Father Dougal thing. I’m not saying she does a Father Dougal thing because she’s Irish, I’m saying it because she’s a wide eyed innocent that you can’t help but feel has only very narrowly avoided a horrible fate by being so oblivious. Kind of like the model and singular equivalent of Jedward. Kellie is shown the space and is reminded by Whitney that she only has three takes. The hands Kellie the phone and wishes her luck. She stuffs the words up and apologises. She does a voiceover that says that she found it intimidating that Whitney was in the room (wtf?) but by the third go she was getting into the swing of it. Her French accent is good but patchy. Whitney is so pleased for her by the third go. Whether or not she’s just had enough is unclear. Kellie’s advice for the other girls is not to show your nerves. I don’t know either.

Anne next! Poor Anne. She’s not a natural pretend French person. Whitney thinks it’s painful. Not going to argue there. Lisa forgets her words, as does Jennifer. Jennifer interviews that it wasn’t happening. Letitia just goes for full on flirt and interviews that she forgot everyone was in the room which was awkward. Awkward how?  Ludovic loves her because she managed to speak the right words in the right accent and interpreted them.  Oh how low is the bar. Roxanne has a complete blank. She interviews that it was awful. Whitney brands it a disaster. It’s at this point that I realise that they’re using flip phones. BECAUSE THEY’RE THE FUTURE ALRIGHT. Speaking of disasters, here’s Anita!  I don’t know what language she’s speaking but it doesn’t have any punctuation. At least she’s got the good grace to be embarrassed.  Ludovic thinks that it sounds like she was an answering machine.  Risikat next, and Whitney asks her if she would like to spit out her gum. Risikat replies that the chewing gum is from Willy Wonka and actually makes her French complete with a “Grr”. Whitney says that she didn’t know that the French were famous for chewing gum and Risikat still doesn’t get the hint. EVEN IF IT’S MAGIC GUM YOU STILL SHOULDN’T HAVE IT. She interviews that she actually understood that Whitney thought the gum was inappropriate but it was magic gum that made her French so she kept it. The gum doesn’t make her growly, it makes her giggly. Whitney complains to Ludovic about the gum but thinks the performance was good.

Emma next. She says QUANTRO SINK. Whitney thinks it’s Spanish. Ludovic just knows that it isn’t French. They end up with no actual words. Madeleine does really well with her Italian. She interviews that she doesn’t care what language she has to do it in cos she’s really good with languages. Whitney’s opinion is that Italian is a beautiful language and Madeleine didn’t make it beautiful. Oh piss off. Madeleine goes back and tells the other girls that her first take was great. Emma replies that she just said one word from each sentence and Madeleine laughs because she agrees. I can’t see what’s wrong with that.

Judging time! Ludovic thinks that some of them were Tres bien and others not so good. I think he missed a trick not saying terrible here, but I’m not writing the bloody scripts. (Can you IMAGINE, etc.) He thinks Emma was the least impressive and Letitia the most. She pretends to be shocked at this. Whitney tells her she’s getting five extra minutes at the shoot but those five minutes will have to come from someone else and she has to choose. That doesn’t seem like much of a prize, Bintmodel. The girls are divided in their strategy to deal with this. Those closest to the camera (Kellie, Jennifer, Risikat and Anne) go for hiding their faces. Roxanne, Lisa, Emma and Anita go for looking the other way and with by far the most effective and my favourite solution is Madeleine, who goes for the out and out “just try it, bitch” glare.  Letitia picks Anne for the shit reason that she thinks she can take it. This totally ignores the fact that she was in the bottom two last week.  Letitia seems to think that she’s been doing well. She remembers later. Anne wouldn’t mind if not for all the pity faces. She says this when she’s obviously been crying. Shame. Whitney tells them all that they’re all off to Paris for their shoot and they have two hours to get ready. Cue much whooping.

After the break – male models and Anita is still the resident slag. Can’t wait!

We’re back! Letitia is really happy to be going to Paris. Risikat reckons that it’s just what the life of a top model is about. They get Kellie the bumpkin out to talk about how fancy the hotel is. They’re staying at the Arc de Triomphe Hilton and they’ve put on a champagne reception for them. But what’s this?

ONLY MY FAVOURITE TOP MODEL CONTESTANT EVER, JOY. Praise be for she has returned! So many memories! The open hostility toward Julien! The open hostility toward the machine! The absolute refusal to be in any way a traditional whooping, screeching talking head. [The not-quite-knowing if she was allowed to leave during the live final! - Steve] I love her and so should you.

Letitia is excited to see her. Kellie remarks how well she’s done for herself and she didn’t even win. Does this mean we’re not getting a sponsored winner this year? EXCITING. Joy’s got some woman called Laura with her who does something to do with Impulse body spray or something. I don’t care! It’s JOY ON MY TELLY. The photoshoot will be about bringing to life an Impulse spray. I do hope one of the shots is one of them dressed up as a twelve year old trying to nick them.  She introduces Joy.

Joy’s face says “Think of the money”. She has a script. She tells the girls that it’s nice to meet them and she’s lucky to have had such a successful career since being on the show and she works a lot in Paris so tomorrow she’s going to come along to give them all some moral support because she’s been there and can help them. Lisa tells the girls to have some champagne, but not too much because they’ve got a really early start in the morning. Joy is applauded as is correct. (Just as a side note, if you’re expecting any balanced account of Joy’s time on this episode, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Joy is correct, you are wrong. It’s how the world works.)

Risikat then wonders aloud what Joy will bring to the shoot or whether she will be helpful. Madeleine remarks that she better be. Roxanne thinks it’s a good thing because based on her previous performance she was quite nervous. Letitia is happy to get advice from anyone who’s been through the process. They all decide to go to bed.

Parisporn and the makeup montage are combined and Anne is first to the slaughter. She arrives in a Hilton branded dressing gown and is doing a True Love fragrance. Guess we all know what the gigantic P was for now, eh? She’s introduced to the male model and this week’s Photographer Lionel Deluy who unfortunately is not a FitPhotographer. Never mind. That’s what the male model is for I suppose. JOY IS THERE. Lionel reminds Anne that she only has five minutes, just to keep those nerves down. It’s OK, because Lionel is the BEST PHOTOGRAPHER EVER because he’s taken photos of Angelina Jolie and Katy Perry. BOKAY THEN, THAT’S WHY I’VE TOTALLY HEARD OF YOU. Anne actually looks encouraged by this. He says “let’s go baby” completely unironically. OH DEAR GOD. Joy actually couldn’t look less interested at this juncture. Did I mention I love her? Anne interviews that she didn’t want to come across as nervous so she went straight in there and imagines that the model is her boyfriend. Joy is asked what she thinks and she says it’s really nice, but the client (Laura) wants her to look a bit happier and wants her to look more loved up.  Joy thinks they look like a couple on holiday and its “sweet” but Laura wants to see something different in the last minute. Anne interviews with a really blotchy face that if she’d have had some extra time she might have had the confidence to change it up a bit. LOOK OUT FOR THE BUS, ANNE. She finishes and the male model applauds her.

Next up is Jennifer and in the interests of good television she has been given a fragrance which is really feminine, soft and girlie. She interviews that this is ridiculous with her haircut. THAT’S THE POINT.  She seems to do a good job though. Laura thinks that Jennifer is really pretty but the chemistry isn’t there. Joy agrees then gets up to show her how it’s done and throws out about ten poses that are brilliant in the space of five seconds. With the tutelage of Joy, Jennifer manages to look a lot softer and Laura pretends to agree but her face says otherwise.  Lionel says that she’s done a “good final baby”. Lionel, it seems, is off of the 70’s.

Lisa next.  Laura reminds her that chemistry is needed as well as looking gorgeous.  Lionel just wants her to kiss the male model. Lisa interviews that it was fine working with the male model but she was a bit nervous. He was apparently lovely and put her at ease though. She found that going with the flow helped. Lionel continues to be obsessed with making her kiss him. She apparently doesn’t mind being treated like a gigantic Barbie doll having her face mashed against a Ken and says she’ll do whatever he wants. Lionel just shouts cute at her over and over. This is weird.

Backstage, Anita wants to know ALL THE DETAILS of ALL THE KISSING. Kellie, who is far sweeter than the Dougal Maguire persona given to her by the producers, thinks that Anita will enjoy the male model. Anita interviews that she thinks she’ll be ok with him because she’s a bit of a flirt. Anita seems to please Lionel as she’s up for kissing the male model.  Lionel demands it and she interviews that she thought “ok then”. I wish the producers would keep up. She’s the one that you’re painting as LOLKOOKYSLUT so it really wouldn’t be a decision for her, would it? The male model refuses her though and asks for it on the cheek. AHAHAHA! Joy thinks that she looked comfortable and relaxed and fit the brief. She looks and sounds as interested as if she was reading out her shopping list. I LOVE YOU JOY.

Next up is Risikat. Laura explains that her fragrance is all about glamour. Risikat immediately gets on her hands and knees which pleases Lionel IMMENSELY.  He actually says “Niiiiiiiice” and that she “looks like a cat” whilst everyone else looks a bit confused.  Laura thinks she’s really aware of her posture whilst Joy agrees without really looking. Risikat interviews that she thinks she did really well because everyone got excited, especially the photographer. I wouldn’t be too pleased about getting a total perv excited Risikat, it’s not that hard.  She explains that the photographer asked her for the “Dirty eyes” and I’m a little bit sick in my mouth. Risikat isn’t sure if it’s a compliment. Joy says that she was amazing in every shot, Laura is happy that she didn’t have to direct her and Lionel thinks she worked a shot that wasn’t easy. WHY DON’T YOU ALL JUST MARRY HER THEN?

Next up is poor, poor Roxanne with her orange hair.  Some branded hairspray is randomly shoved into shot. Roxanne is playing chess in the photo. Roxanne interviews that the shoot was hard because she had to play chess and be playful and flirty PLUS interacting with the male model. Lionel asks her to bite her lip. Remember this, it will be important later. She interviews that she tried to be smiley and playful but there really isn’t much she can do in this shot.  Lionel thanks her and tells her that she had a difficult shot to pull off.

Next up is Letitia.  Joy cares so little for her that she’s on her Blackberry.  Laura wants her to be discreet and elegant rather than sexy and sultry.  Letitia interviews that extra time is a poisoned chalice because if she doesn’t do well she’s got no excuses. OH BOO HOO. Lionel thinks that she looks like ten million dollars. Joy looks up from her Blackberry and agrees that she looks very sexy.  Lionel thinks that she should finish early and fistbumps her, calls her baby and sends her off.  Lionel tells her that he doesn’t need fifteen minutes with her, two is enough because she’ so beautiful and not to tell the other girls. There are so many creepy things and innuendo in that statement that it made my tiny brain explode a little bit. Letitia interbrags about this and how nice it was to hear it. I’d be in a bath, love. Lionel talks to Laura and Joy about how great she was. Emma wants to know if her extra time was helpful and Letitia lies unconvincingly. She interviews that she didn’t want to tell them about not using the extra time as she didn’t want to gloat so she’s doing it now instead.

Now for the moment I’ve been waiting for, Madeleine vs. Joy. Madeleine’s shoot begins with Lionel telling her not to be so frightening so she tries to smile and the overall impression is that episode of Friends where Monica is trying to get an engagement picture of her and Chandler. Laura reminds her that she’s trying to encapsulate love at first sight.  Joy tells her to be a bit softer in her face. Madeleine interviews about her process, saying that the looks she was going for was not ‘in love’ but ‘about to fall in love’ so she had no idea what to do. Laura tells her to soften up for the last few shots and Lionel seems to like this as does Laura who likes the “softer head”. Joy explains to Madeleine that it took her a long time to get expressions down too and tells her to practice. She tells the other girls that Joy told her that she was the same as her and she’s not a weirdo. They look dubious.

Laura introduces Emma to the male model and says that she’s going to be a temptress. Emma interviews about how nervous she was, especially with the male model and how it was all a bit awkward when she was meant to be confident. Lionel tells her not to be nervous which would immediately put me on edge. He calls her baby and compares her to Angelina Jolie.  Laura thinks it’s great. Joy was thinking that she might crumble but she ended up doing really well.

Finally, Kellie who is being a tease. She interviews that this meant she had to be playful and flirty. At the start she was tense and shying away but she pushed the nerves aside because she really, really wants a good shot. Lionel loves it and calls her baby AGAIN. She interviews that she got stronger toward the end. Joy is happy that she didn’t need much direction, Lionel thinks she did a really good job.

Coming up! Fake birthday Drama! Are we still playing Madeleine is a total bitch? YEAH WE ARE!

Post-shoot the girls are all sitting in a tea shop in Paris when Jennifer “randomly” asks everyone how they think the shoot went. These scripted segments aren’t working. Stick to interviewing the girls with a shred of acting talent. Anne thinks her shoot went alright and Madeleine looks sceptical. She reminds us all that she only had five minutes and if she had a bit longer she could have had more poses. Letitia, who is NOT BRAGGING repeats that she didn’t even need her extra minutes and Anne could have totally kept them.  A waiter comes along with an Elle Mail and Anita wonders why it’s been handed to her.  It’s because it’s her birthday and Elle has arranged a special meal to help her celebrate but it’s only a table for five. MMMM, MANUFACTURED DRAMA. Anita wonders aloud why anyone would do this to her on her birthday. Oh let’s see? Let’s start with the fact that YOU ARE ON A REALITY SHOW. She pretends that it was a hard decision but eventually admits that there are four girls that she likes best.  She goes with Lisa, Kellie, Risikat and Roxanne. Anita resolves to look hot so she can forget being cruelly rejected by the male model and say bonjour to some French totty.

Kellie interviews that they went out to a fancy restaurant which happened to be French. She got to eat all the traditional dishes like snails and frogs legs and it was really nice. Anita interviews that she will look back on her 20^th birthday on her 70^th and think about what a great night she had. Roxanne wonders aloud what the others are doing. WELL, Jennifer interviews that they had a slumber party which seems like heaps more fun than a fancy French meal, especially seeing as in involved Madeleine doing impressions of Anita. Jennifer interviews that she really didn’t like Madeleine, how she was or how she acted. Emma tells Madeleine that she does get along with her, but doesn’t always know where she’s coming from.

Madeleine couldn’t care less if someone doesn’t understand what she says.

Letitia pushes it a bit further and wants to know why she gets upset at not being taken seriously when she says mean things.  Madeleine says that she’s not mean and that she’s joking. Jennifer says that she jokes about the wrong things and Madeleine reminds her that it’s Letitia’s turn. Jennifer insists that it’s a group conversation. It’s Madeleine’s conversation. Even I know that. Letitia interviews that she will never understand Madeleine and that’s the way she wants it. OF COURSE IT IS.

Madeleine is also the topic at dinner. Anita calls her a babe, BUT it is agreed that she’s only good in small doses. Risikat interviews that everyone has something to say about Madeleine. Back at the table she reminds everyone that Madeleine is the star of the show because everyone is talking about her, even on Anita’s birthday. Everyone else fails to see the logic of this statement and this is why Madeleine will continue to rule them all.  Risikat interviews that Madeleine should stay herself because she’s just different.

MADELEINE WILL CONTINUE TO BE HERSELF BECAUSE SHE LIKES HERSELF. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is your quote of the series.

It’s the next day everyone, because we’re having breakfast now. Everyone actually SCREAMS at an envelope on the table. It’s an Elle Mail and its Kellie’s turn to read it. “Hi girls, tomorrow one of you will be leaving the competition for good. Before we say goodbye to Paris, I’ve decided to treat everyone to a riverboat cruise along the Seine so you can bid Au Revoir to Paris in style. Love, Elle x” . Anita interviews that she was hungover and the last thing she wanted to do was get on a boat with a dicky tum. Kellie is oblivious and interviews that they all enjoyed the boat trip and thought it was a lovely way to wrap things up. She thinks that this could be her life and she’s lucky and blessed to be there and she doesn’t want it to end.  Bless ‘er. Anita actually loves it in Paris. Lisa agrees and says that she’s so jealous of Joy. As well you should be. Risikat interviews she realises how far she’s come and she doesn’t want to go home but someone will and that’s the point.

Back in London, poor Anne is still going on about how well she could have done with some extra minutes.  I think the big kids call this FORESHADOWING.  Letitia, who really has no place commenting thinks that Anne better have a good photo because she’s so upset with herself because Anne has a lot of potential.

Judgement time! This week’s guest panellist is MEL B! In the week where I have been watching a lot of old Bo Selecta [you're fired - Steve] this is like gold to me. FISH PASTE! Elle welcomes them all back from Paris and tells them that today that ten will become nine. Everyone giggles at Mel B. Perhaps they’ve been watching Bo Selecta too? Prizes!

We are starting with Kellie. Elle likes her look, which is Elle Woods forgot her trousers. Her advert is painful but not as bad as it could be. Whitney was impressed by her. Her photo is a bit meh. It’s one of Elle’s favourites. Tyson thinks it’s just two people in the park, which is what it is, but I get what he means. Elle and Whitney feel it and Mel B thinks she looks dreamy. Auntie Julien is not permitted to speak.

Elle then invites Letitia up and tells everyone that she had the best advert so wants to know if everyone agrees.  She’s putting the pauses in the wrong bits which is surely reason enough for her not to have won. Elle admits her dialogue was off but everything was in her face. She explains to everyone that she had extra time for her photo. Her photo is a bit catalogue for my tastes. Mel B thinks its drop dead gorgeous, Julien thinks that she’s a star and a star is born and like it or not she’s a star. So she’s a star then? Elle thinks that she should have given the feeling of being close without actually being close as she’s lost her neck but all that is technical because she looks gorgeous.

Risikat’s gum chewing doesn’t help her embarrassing advert and Elle calls her a pussy cat. Tyson likes it though. Have I mentioned how lovely Tyson is yet today? Well, he is. They like her photo too, which is a bit Zoo Magazine for my liking but I’ve given up predicting what these guys want. Tyson expected nothing less, Whitney thinks it’s selling a bit much but she can’t deny that Risikat is beautiful and Mel B just shouts out “Glamour”. Elle thinks she looks like she’s into something.

Mid judging ad break. GRR!

There’s a vrooming noise in the distance which can only mean that Anne is up next. Madeleine openly laughs at her French and Elle remarks that it’s gibberish and that her nerves were all over her face. Anne looks resigned. She knows what’s coming. Elle decides to erase it and goes to her picture, which is ok. Elle likes it. Auntie Julien points out that she’s the most edgiest girl in the competition but the photo is about true love and romance and she’s not the edgy girl or something. Julien, what ARE you talking about? Whitney points out that she got five minutes less than everyone else because Letitia. Elle wants to know why and suggests that it might have been to knock out the competition and Letitia looks like that might be the case. Elle calls her a cheeky monkey. Mel B thinks that she’s not coming across in the photo the same as she is in real life and the photo is a bit too smiley. Anne agrees.

Roxanne actually facepalms on viewing her video and quite rightly so. It’s terrible. She looks like she’s doing an oral exam.  She admits it was bad. In her best shot she’s biting her lip. They ask what she thinks. She doesn’t like it. Julien complains that she’s biting her lip. THE PHOTOGRAPHER TOLD HER TO DO IT! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF WOMAN! She doesn’t. [To be fair, that never works either - then they just get told not to blame the photographer for their failings. - Steve] Julien admits that the photo is ladylike though. Tyson likes it and thinks she’s being hard on herself. Its Elle’s least favourite.

Lisa’s turn. Elle likes that she’s stolen Jennifer’s clothes.  She admits that she tried to hard with the accent on her advert and she’s right. It’s like something out of Allo Allo. Everyone laughs at it whilst Elle makes a NOT joke. Everyone gets excited over her picture. Whitney loves her luscious lips and its Tyson’s favourite shot of the day.

Anita has forgotten her trousers and we’re supposed to think that this is a good thing. Her advert is AWFUL but Elle still wants a call from her. Anita admits that she failed French. QUELLE SURPRISE. Her shot is good, the cow. Mel B loves it and wonders why the male model didn’t want to kiss her. Tyson remarks that she must’ve been happy to be near a man. Julien remarks about the level of booty in the shot and how it’s sex on leg. Julien thinks she’s transformed from a young girl into a gorgeous, expensive woman. Whitney thinks it’s effortless and Elle thinks it’s gorgeous.

Jennifer’s up next and she has the good grace to look away when her advert is playing. If it were me I’d leave the country.  Elle thinks she sounds like a German trying to speak French. For some reason, this is hilarious. Her shot is good and she’s doing her best to look romantic with her haircut. Elle points out that her body language is saying different things to her hair.  You did that to her! Tyson thinks she did a good job because the model looks like he’s her boyfriend. 

Apparently the brand and Whitney thought that Emma was the worst in the advert challenge.  There’s not a lot in it to be honest. Whitney said it was tough to watch and Elle thinks she wasn’t focused. They wait with baited breath to see if she redeems herself with the photo. She doesn’t.  Whitney points out that it looks a bit like a prom photo and she’s completely on the money.  She also says it’s cheesy and obvious. Mel B thinks it’s safe and a bit cheesy and Elle would like to see her out of her comfort zone because she’s not at all.

Finally, Madeleine. Elle explains why they made her do hers in Italian. Tyson says they should have made her do it in Japanese.  It’s good though, and Elle says well done.  Her photograph is ok, but Elle points out that she’s not the brand favourite. Whitney thinks it’s her prettiest photo and Tyson doesn’t agree with the brand.  Madeleine is pleased to hear this.

Now it’s time for the judges to deliberate. They start with Kellie. Tyson thinks the picture is weak but she’s not one of the weak ones. Letitia is Mel B’s favourite. Elle isn’t sure about the shape she’s created with her body.  Risikat is next. Elle loves the balance of her body. Mel B likes Anne’s body. Tyson commends Letitia’s evil genius. Elle agrees with Mel B because Anne in person gives off a look but it’s not coming across in photos. Julien would like to look like Roxanne if he was a woman and everyone agrees that she needs to love herself more. They all love Lisa and Anita which is really boring.  Julien leads the Louis Walsh judging and says that Anita reminds him of a little Penelope Cruz. Tyson thinks there’s worse shots than Jennifer’s and they all agree that Emma is a bit meh. Whitney hangs off Tyson and does an impression of her. Mel B thinks that they look good together. HANDS OFF WHITNEY WHOEVERYOUARE.  Finally, Elle thinks she looks like Naomi in the photo and even though she’s not traditionally beautiful and hard to photograph she pulls it out the bag consistently.  So, it’s decision time!

Elle has nine photographs in her hand etc. Picture of the week goes to Anita. Next is Lisa followed by Letitia, Risikat, Kellie, Jennifer, Madeleine and finally Roxanne although it’s by the skin of her teeth. Cue much hugging and high fiving in the green room.

So, it’s down to Anne and Roxanne. Letitia has the good grace to feel bad. Elle explains that the expectations were high for both. Elle takes the credit for Anne’s face by saying that they created an amazing look for her but it’s not translating into photographs and she’s disappointed she’s not using it. Emma is beautiful but she doesn’t do anything with it, but it’s Emma that’s getting another chance. Bye Anne! Elle calls her a good sport and hugs her. She interviews that she felt like she could have done more but she’s going to work on not letting time pressure her.  She never dreamed that it would be like this and she fades out of the picture.

Joins Steve next week for walk outs, fall outs and breakdowns! My favourites. Until then...

Girls will be boys

Top 11: 6th August 2012

First of all, allow me to apologise for not being Helen. She was supposed to be recapping this week, but I begged her to swap with me so that I didn't end up recapping both BintModel and the first episode of The X Factor in the same weekend, and she very kindly agreed. I can only try to live up to her levels of scorn. [Ach, stoppit - Helen]

Previously: MAKEOVERS! Risikat got a short Halle Berry-style cut, while poor, poor Roxanne ended up with hair the colour of the cast of Geordie Shore. Still, she overcame the odds to get first call-out, while Voice Of Fearne tells us that "after an emotional elimination, it was Penelope who got the chop". That doesn't even make sense. Does nobody proof-read these scripts? Or do they just let Fearne write her own? [I can imagine Fearne's crayon scrawled ideas. I suspect she writes them on herself - Helen] This week: fighting and androgyny, it seems. I like the sound of this already.

Titles. Be the one, be the one, BE THE ONE AHH-CHOOOS!

Backstage at last week's elimination, Roxanne is feeling a teensy bit smug about getting photo of the week; she thinks she deserved it because she put a lot of energy into that shoot. Tasmin interviews with barely-concealed glee that everyone in the contest is getting on nicely, apart from Roxanne and Madeleine. Roxanne admits that she and Madeleine had a bit of a fight, which appears to have been prompted by Madeleine looking at Emma's picture and saying it should have been picture of the week. Roxanne, the actual recipient of picture of the week, takes this as a slur, even though I don't think it was really intended as one; Madeleine just has a rather clumsy way of expressing herself. Madeleine interviews that Roxanne must have hearing problems, because "she keeps hearing me badly". Heh. Roxanne tells Madeleine that she shouldn't insult her within earshot (because I'm sure she'd be so much happier if she thought Madeleine was criticising her behind her back), and Madeleine says she didn't intend to offend. In an interview, Madeleine shrugs: "I'm French. We're not known to keep things to ourselves." Man, France's Next Top Model (La Prochaine Top Modèle de la France?) must make amazing TV. (Except Wikipedia tells me it hasn't aired a new cycle since 2007, so maybe not.) [I know I've said it before but it bears repeating. I love Madeleine so hard, especially now she's EUROPEAN - Helen]

Back at the house, Madeleine continues to stew while Anita interviews that she feels sorry for Madeleine because she's so different from the rest of them, being so tactless and everything. I think I'd really enjoy Anita's variety of guileless insults if she weren't so disappointingly inept as a contestant. Anita interviews that Roxanne is no better because she's so "opinionated", so they should probably just keep away from each other. If there isn't some sort of team challenge pairing them up together by the end of this episode, I will eat my couture sunglasses.

Elle Mail! Lisa reads it: "Hi Girls, Modelling is tough, you have to overcome your insecurities and embrace who you are, flaws and all ... Tomorrow morning be ready to tell the world you're proud of who you are. Love Elle x" If this challenge does not involve the words "guest judge Lady Gaga" I'm going to be very cross. Letitia thinks it's likely to involve talking. Tasmin thinks it'll be NUDE talking. The girls head off to the confessional room in their usual groups: Emma paired with Letitia (still utterly indistinguishable); Lisa paired with Kellie (The Axis Of Irish is all well and good, but it's no Eastern European Axis Of Formerly-Blonde Evil, is it?) and Madeleine all by herself. Basically, nobody has a clue and Madeleine does not give one tiny shit: "maybe fly into space and talk to aliens about our secret insecurities, I have no idea." [She's got the potential for Joy levels of amazingness. I can feel it - Helen]

The next day, they're off to a school. Lisa tells us that she's a freak, because she loved school. I wonder what that must have been like. They are met in a classroom by a main with a hair topknot who does not look like a teacher; this is because he is image consultant Vernon François [I really wanted him to be called Ruby Rhod - Helen]. He explains that their challenge for today is to write their biggest insecurity on a t-shirt, and then explain to 200 people why they chose this particular aspect. Anne admits that speaking to large crowds is not something she's comfortable with. Lisa hopes she can relate to just one of the students. They get to work, and Anne tells us that she has a lot of insecurities, so finding just one to put on a t-shirt was a bit of a complicated selection process. Basically Anne's head is like the series seven BintModel auditions - there's even a little Charley Speed in there running out to find insecurities on the street and make them feel really uncomfortable. And they were insecurities in the first place, so you can just imagine what they'll be like when he's finished with them. Tasmin interviews that Kellie found the challenge difficult because she's a very positive person. Kellie doodles some hearts on her t-shirt as she tells us that it's hard to find things to say. Vernon asks her to think of the first thing that comes into her head, and Kellie tells him that she can be shy sometimes. Amusingly, Vernon's next line is bleeped out, so I can only assume he thought she said "shite" and repeated it back to her, which seems to be borne out by Kellie confirming "shy" back at him. Vernon tells her to think about why she's shy.

In the assembly hall, kids arrive and start to sit down. I wonder what part of the curriculum this comes under. David Cameron's probably fretting that they're trying to write this off as a Games lesson instead of training to be future Olympians. Backstage is Radio 1's Aled Jones, who tells them that he knows how hard it can be to deal with these issues, and that the hardest audience is often children. Remember, this man worked with Chris Moyles, so he knows what he's talking about. He tells them they'll all feel so much better when they've got this off their chest. If by "this" he means those ugly t-shirts, I expect he's right.

Anne goes out first, parading down the catwalk wearing a t-shirt with "NOSE" written on it, within the nose of a little cartoon face. Except the way she's arranged the letters, it looks a little bit like it says "NOES!" She explains to the crowd that she hates her nose, and she used to try to hide it with her long hair. She thinks it was once a weakness, but now it's a strength.

Adverts. The Wedding Video doesn't look any less crashingly unfunny than it did last week.

When we return, 'What Makes You Beautiful' is playing as more and more girls plod down the catwalk. The way that they flip their insecurities gets me overwhelmed! Jennifer's shirt says "second choice", Tasmin's says "closed off", Roxanne's says "confidence". Anita's says "short fuse", and she intones sagely that "it's not worth punching people in the face". If she doesn't make it as a model (and let's face it, she probably won't), I think Anita's true calling is as a motivational speaker. Tasmin says that she finds it hard to open up to people, while Letitia's shirt says "worried" and she explains that she's always concerned what people think of her. Roxanne tells the kids that she was bullied at school and had bad skin, but that you just need to be who you are, gay, straight or bi, lesbian, transgender life, etc etc. Risikat (wearing an "odd" t-shirt) says that she was brought up in Ukraine (a last-minute bid for entry into The Axis?) [HELLS YES - Helen] and she always felt like the odd one out, but being yourself is amazing, so love yourself and be cool. Kellie is terrified, and gets a hug from Vernon; her t-shirt says "scared, lost and lonely" because school was cliquey and she was always getting into trouble and getting suspended for her behaviour and her piercings, but once you grow up it's okay to be who you are. I quite want this to be the cue for all the kids to be so inspired by the prospect of being themselves that they start rioting and piercing their noses with paperclips, but sadly the littluns all stay politely in their seats. She interviews that she feels like she confronted her 13-year-old self, and she's glad she did it. Aled speaks to the kids to find out what they've learned, and one of them chirps up "beautiful women can have insecurities!" Well, I'm so glad that's the lesson they're all taking away from this.

Aled congratulates the girls and tells them he's arranged a reward of a big night out for all of them. Back at the house, everyone's getting ready. Lisa's excited about her first night out in London, while Roxanne is tired and missing her daughter. She calls home and blubs as her daughter babbles excitedly at her, and signs off by saying "see you soon!" which seems like a fate-tempting choice of words. The girls are taken to a rooftop bar overlooking Trafalgar Square, where they drink champagne and enjoy chocolate-covered strawberries. "Rich people live well," notes Madeleine. Risikat and Roxanne talk about how this is inspiring them to keep going. Food arrives, as well as an Elle Mail: "Girls, the competition is getting tougher every day, and sometimes you've just got to man up. Be ready to do it like a MANDEMSUGASUGASUGA for your photoshoot tomorrow. But for now, go and enjoy yourselves! Love Elle x" I may have paraphrased the MANDEMSUGA part, but I'm sure you know what the original said. Also Letitia, who's reading it out, actually says "exclamation mark" at the end. Bless.

The girls go on to another bar for MOAR DRINKS, and Madeleine starts throwing some shapes on the dancefloor. The next day, there are some sore heads and Lisa interviews that they were hoping for a lie-in after their night out, but no, they had to get up at EIGHT O'CLOCK! Roxanne mumbles that she feels sick. "Hangover sick?" asks Madeleine, failing to hide a smirk. They're all taken by coach to what Roxanne describes as "an old building, like a gentlemen's club" (she didn't like it, it looked haunted) where they're greeted by a very dapper-looking Tyson, who tells them that he wants them to "tap into their inner dude". On camera? That's disgusting. [To be fair, Tyson is 'in the area'. *gets  coat* - Helen] They're being styled as men, and must play a man while retaining their feminine charm - oh, and they've only got five minutes to get their best shot.

Predictably, Jessie J bleats on the soundtrack as the girls head off to get made-up and Risikat interviews that the main feeling between the girls was confusion: "why would anyone want us to be like a man?" I can only refer her to Ciara on that one. Anita says that she's only just come to terms with walking like a girl, and now she has to learn to walk like a man. Heh. Lisa is worried about the timed aspect, because it takes her a while to warm up. Kellie giggles that she's dressed like her dad.

The photographer is Alex James (no, not that one) [CHEESE WANK... sorry - Helen] and Letitia is up first. She explains that they've not studied male models, only female ones, and as a result she had no idea what sort of poses she had to do. Tyson reminds us all that Letitia's big problem is that she's (say it with me now) too sexy, but that in this shoot, it works.

After another oddly-timed ad break, we come back and join Jennifer, whose makeover hairdo actually seems well-suited for this challenge. She's posing precariously on a mantelpiece and looking manly in a feminine way, which seems to be very much the brief as far as I can discern it. Well done Jennifer. Alex says that Jennifer was nice to work with. Risikat is next, and her posing is a little stilted; she admits that she was having trouble remembering to pose like a man. However, Alex likes the "sultry, not stroppy" vibe she was bringing. After her we have Kellie, who appears to struggle with the sexy side of the proceedings - as does Anita, who's focusing so hard on not squinting that she goes too far in the other way and just looks startled. She frets in an interview that she's "one of the weaker ones". Tyson and Alex agree that she poses like "a shy girl".

Emma follows, and says that hearing everyone before coming out with negative opinions of how their shoot went made her more determined that hers would be a good one. "The clothes are masculine, but you're not," Tyson tells her, which gives me flashbacks of my first day of secondary school. Tyson thinks she didn't come in as strong as she expected, and Emma returns to the others dejected, saying that she essentially misunderstood the brief. Madeleine is next, and Tyson wants more sexiness from her: "just the hint of a boob or something," suggests Alex. Tyson and Alex think she looks scary in some pictures. Roxanne goes in with confidence, and tries to balance the masculine clothes with a feminine demeanour, explaining that if they wanted them to behave like men, surely they'd have just cut out the middleman and hired male models? Tyson tells her that she has a minute left, but probably doesn't need it. Roxanne, of course, relates this exchange to the other girls afterwards, because she's classy like that.

Then we have Lisa, who admits that she had an advantage going later in the process because she'd picked up what was expected of her from the earlier girls' failure to deliver, and she hopes that she's done enough for photo of the week, because she'd really like that. Tyson and Alex are impressed with her diversity - "get her an agent, she'd be working this week," says Alex. After her is Tasmin, who is hoping not to be in the bottom two again - "I think two times in a row is enough" - but Tyson's and Alex's response to her shoot seems lukewarm. Anne, on the other end, gets a good response, with Tyson asking her if she's sure she hasn't modelled before.

The girls head back to the house, where Roxanne has decided they should have a roast dinner, so everyone gets involved with preparing it. Anita interviews that it's the first time they've all sat down for a meal together, and Risikat adds that the experience helped them to feel closer to their families. Of course, thoughts soon turn to elimination, as Jennifer says that they have no idea who did well, and Madeleine admits she's feeling apprehensive for the first time. Tasmin thinks the fact that they've tried to send her home twice and yet she's still here must mean something. This is where someone needs to introduce her to the phrase "circling the drain". Back at the table, Anita says that it's a "nice dinner to end someone's journey". Heh. She interviews that she gave everything up for this, including her job. She doesn't want to have to move back to her mum's, though I suspect she might want to start getting used to the idea. Tasmin proposes a toast to their last time as the Top 11. Roxanne is hoping to get photo of the week for a second week in a row.

As the girls prepare for panel, Voice of Fearne runs us through the prizes one more time, as well as the roster of judges. This week's guest judge is prolific supermodel, and trailblazer as the first to walk in male and female catwalk shows, Andrej Pejic. Andrej is seriously stunning. I can imagine pretty everyone being Andrej Pejic-sexual, regardless of their orientation the rest of time. (He did send FHM into a whirlwind of gay panic after all, which must have been fun for him.) First to see her picture this week is Jennifer, who looks like "a beautiful boy" according to Elle, who sees this as a natural segue to seek Andrej's opinion. Andrej loves the long body and the face pose. Tyson tells the panel that he and the photographer both loved working with Jennifer, which Elle points out is "good feedback". Thanks for that, Elle. Lisa is next, and Elle thinks she's gorgeous. Whitney likes that she's quirky and cute, while Julien likes that she's young, fresh and sporty. Andrej thinks the posing is awkward, but it works. Then we have Anita, whose picture doesn't get such good reviews: Elle points out that Anita's right eye is "stuck to the corner of [her] nose" and makes her look cross-eyed. Tyson says that she was trying so hard not to squint that it backfired. Whitney loves the pose, however, and thinks Anita just needs a bit more confidence. Andrej tells her that as a model you have to adapt to new situations constantly, being a chameleon, so there's no room for self-doubt.

Adverts. Revlon remind us that they're associated with BintModel, as if we couldn't guess. Also, lovely Gethin Jones continues to wander around Holland & Barrett stores that are not my local one, because life is unkind like that.

When we return, it's time for defending picture-of-the-week champion Roxanne. Elle asks if she was feeling pressure, and Roxanne says she felt like she needed to bring it again. Tyson's all "OH, SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS IT." Roxanne protests that she's "not cocky at all", and once again we get drawn into that tedious reality TV minefield where women are told to believe in themselves more but told they're arrogant and offputting if they actually take that advice. Sigh. Luckily for Roxanne, her shot is great, and Andrej's favourite so far. Tyson thinks she's great to work with as a model, but doesn't offer much personality. "She's a great model, but as someone you want to hang out with on a long photoshoot, nah, not really." HARSH. Elle tells him off for being too personal. Roxanne cries and apologises, and Tyson tells her not to worry about it. I have a feeling we might see Roxanne's confidence issues leaping all over the place throughout the rest of the series now. Julien, sensibly, says they should get back to the picture and tells Roxanne that for the first time, she looks like a Top Model. Elle loves the picture, and loves Roxanne's hair like this (to be fair, it does look a lot better this week) and spanks Tyson with her cue cards for his impudence. Tyson looks like he's enjoying it rather than feeling chastened though. Roxanne stomps back to the line-up, chewing her cheek, and it's Madeleine, of all people, who reaches out a friendly arm as she passes, though Roxanne doesn't respond.

Risikat next, and Andrej isn't a fan of her shot, as he thinks there's nothing fashion or editorial about it. Julien thinks that if anyone could pull off this styling, it should be Risikat, but unfortunately she just looks like an average pretty girl in an average picture. Then we have Emma, and Elle thinks her picture looks like an eighties supermodel. Julien thinks she makes the clothes look amazing, and she looks gorgeous. Elle tells Emma it was a good week for her. After her, it's Tasmin, whose Bettie Page pose gets a thumbs-down from the panel. Whitney thinks it looks too obvious, and if you're going to do that pose you need to pop the body. Andrej thinks she has a great body, but the picture isn't showing it. Julien thinks she's a little girl in the body of a "huge, incredible model" and she needs to put those two things together. Again, that makes no sense. Surely she's already put them together, discovered it's not working, and now needs to remove the little girl from the equation? Modelling maths is hard, you guys. Elle starts to make "we're basically giving up on you" noises.

Anne's picture is deemed "disappointing" by Elle and "very catalogue" by Andrej. Julien thinks this should have been Anne's week, but he could've done a better job himself. Tyson attempts to defend Anne, saying it was her last shot of the day, and he wants to blame the room. Elle loves Madeleine's picture, but Whitney thinks her eyes look dizzy. Elle is pleased that she's found a good angle to be photographed from. Letitia next, and her shot is her reclining in a chair in an aloof fashion. Elle loves it and thinks it's the coolest take on "sexy" that they've seen. Tyson thinks you can't teach this, and she just went in and nailed it. Julien doesn't think the picture looks masculine at all, and she looks like a glamorous girl in masculine clothes. Was that not the entire point? I don't get why he's phrasing all this like it's a criticism. Julien's critiques are so opaque sometimes. Finally, we have Kellie, who is asked about her "scared, lost and lonely" t-shirt. Elle asks her if she feels like that today, and Kellie says that she really felt a release after going to the school. Another triumph of modelling over medicine! Kellie's shot is not great, largely because of the ludicrously high-waisted trousers that have completely destroyed her torso. Whitney thinks her face looks beautiful, though. Julien tells Kellie it's her job to make the clothes look amazing, and she should've turned to the side more - but she'll learn that sort of thing as the competition goes on.

Time for the judges to deliberate. Jennifer's picture is the first one up for discussion: Whitney loves it because she feels like Jennifer is growing in confidence, and Tyson likes that she took charge of the shoot. Andrej thinks Letitia's picture is great, but she's not one of his favourite girls and he doesn't see her having a high-end career. Lisa's picture is loved by all. Anita lacks strength, according to Julien. Tyson likes Roxanne's picture but not her attitude, while Julien thinks she answered the brief the best, and Andrej thinks she looks like a working model. Risikat didn't work it, and Julien thinks she needs to work harder. Elle thinks Emma looks hot, and Whitney thinks that you look at this picture and want to be her. Tasmin was on notice, Whitney says, and had to wow this week, but didn't do it. Julien thinks her personality doesn't go with her body, and Tyson thinks she was one of the tougher shots of the day. Anne's picture is a disappointment, and she looks bored. Whitney thinks Madeleine looks better in pictures than she does in real life, but she's not one of her favourites. Julien thinks there's nothing there beneath the clothes, the hair and the make-up, and Elle cracks that the same is true of her. Finally Kellie, "last and maybe least" - Andrej thinks she could be a high-end model, but she needs to work on her body and learn how to take better photos. The judges have made a decision. Who's going home?

Elle has 11 beautiful models before her, but only 10 photographs in her hands. This week, there is a tie for picture of the week between Emma and Roxanne. Well, that's unusual. The following girls are also safe: Letitia, Lisa, Jennifer, Anita, Madeleine, Kellie and Risikat. That leaves Anne and Tasmin in the bottom two, and one of them is going home. Elle fudges her lines here, saying "the name of the girl I do not call must leave immediately", giving me a mental image of a giant TASMIN name-plate departing the competition while Tasmin is allowed to remain behind on the condition that she is now officially nameless. Because let's be honest, Tasmin's going home here. Elle tells Tasmin that this is her third week in the bottom two, and she's always there for the same reason - the potential the judges see in her that doesn't turn up in her pictures. Anne also gives them high expectations, but they worry that she's sliding backwards. So who stays? Anne, obviously, because it's third time unlucky for Tasmin. Anne heads backstage for a hug.

Elle tells Tasmin that she's "done a great job", and I'm not really sure what she's basing that on given Tasmin's unbroken run in the bottom two. Tasmin says it's been a really good experience and she doesn't regret anything, and she's going to miss all the girls - "they're really nice". I have to say, this lot do seem to have bonded remarkably quickly. We see a montage of Tasmin's pictures, and I actually think her shot from last week wasn't that bad, but overall I guess her portfolio is a bit underwhelming. She fades out from the group shot. Bye Tasmin!

Next week: an acting challenge! A trip to Paris! And best of all: JOY! JOY IS BACK! I hope she hasn't lost her endearing surliness. [I love her so very, very much - Helen] Join Helen for all the gossip, assuming there aren't any more last-minute switcheroos.

Fifty Shades Of Orange

Top 12: 30th July 2012

Previously on BintModel: the girls fulfilled their contractual reality TV obligations by getting really excited about a house, they were hoisted into the air for a photo shoot at which point Jennifer felt rather unwell and for which she was called a "wimp" by Elle at panel, and Emma S fulfilled her destiny as the most obvious first boot in the history of forever.

This week: MAKEOVERS! Helen must be so gutted she didn't get to recap this one. Also the remaining contestants will be serving up Bad Girls realness in a sexy prison-themed photoshoot. Because few things in this world are more of an aphrodisiac than the possibility of being shanked in the corridors by Psycho Bev from G-Wing. [And now I'm thinking about Yvonne Atkins. Thanks - Helen]

Titles! I know Helen doesn't like these, but I think it's genuinely the best combination of music and visuals that BintModel has ever had, in any iteration. I know that's a low bar to clear, to the extent that you could probably do it in a floor-length skirt without disturbing your hemline, but still: progress! [I agree actually. They've gone from eye gougingly terrible to a bit rubbish - Helen]

Go shorty! It's your birthday! We gon' party like it's your birthday! The sweet tones of 'In Da Club' greet us as we return to Model Manor...which is covered in police tape. Wow, the Leveson Inquiry really is leaving no stone of the Murdoch empire unturned. Hilariously, the contestants are all so feisty/stupid (delete as applicable) that this doesn't actually deter any of them, and they just walk under it and into the house. I hope that this was a secret test to see if they were fit to be role models for young women throughout Britain and Ireland, and they've all just failed for doing that. They'll never unseat Little Mix now. Anita gives us yet another terrifying glimpse into her psyche as she interviews that she thought this meant there would be a male stripper inside dressed as a policeman. If this is Anita's approach to life in general, then I imagine being her friend involves getting a lot of calls in the small hours of the morning to bail her out of police custody.

They go into the house and all of the doors have got "NO ENTRY" signs on them, so of course the girls all ignore those too and go into the living room, where they see mugshot-style pictures of themselves stamped with things like "DRAB" and "NOT WORKING". Anita's says "TOO GLAMOUR", which Penelope (I think) helpfully points out means she "looks like a porn star". Jennifer, meanwhile, is concerned that hers just said "ALL WRONG". Fortunately, there's an Elle Mail on the way to clear things up: "Hello girls, The style jury is out and tomorrow your fashion fate will be decided. All rise and be ready to leave at 9:45am sharp, love Elle x" Thankfully, everyone has watched the show enough times to correctly deduce that this means it's makeover time, and they're all very excited. [SO AM I - Helen]

The next day, Elle meets with the other judges at the Daniel Galvin salon (somewhere near Marylebone, so Google tells me) and Julien calls it "make-or-break day". He thinks that after the transformations, they will all look more like professional models. Well, yes, one would hope. The girls arrive, and Elle stumbles over her intro detailing how this salon has styled "some of the most important people in the industry" from Kylie Minogue to Keira Knightley. I know "the industry" is a pretty vague term, but neither of those women are models, at least not as their first career choice. Elle has divided them into groups, and Roxanne, Madeleine and Anne are with Julien; while Tyson has Anita, Emma G, Risikat; Whitney has Letitia, Tasmin and Lisa; and that leaves Elle with Penelope, Jennifer and Kellie.

Whitney tells Lisa that she looks nervous, and then tells her not to be because they're going to make her look like Uma Thurman (or as she says it "Ulma Thurman") in Pulp Fiction, while Letitia is told that her look is going to be "Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley" (what is it with these people and not being able to correctly pronounce celebrities' names?). Letitia is relieved that they're keeping her hair long, while Lisa whimpers that her hair is so important to her and she's never had short hair. Well, chances are you made the mistake of mentioning that to a member of the production team at some point in the application process, so what's coming is entirely your own fault. Sorry. Lisa asks Whitney how much is coming off the bottom of her hair. "A lot," is the answer. Lisa looks nervous again, some more.

Meanwhile, Elle's with Jennifer, saying she wants something inspired by The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, so quite short and a bit of a mohawk. Risikat looks on in abject horror. "Bye bye hair," laughs Jen nervously. Elle promises her that she has a beautiful face and she can handle it. "I trust you," says Jen. FOOL! Julien tells Roxanne that she's getting the most dramatic makeover, while Tyson tells Risikat that he's thinking of Halle Berry. (I should imagine that's probably true whatever the scenario.) Anyway, it takes a couple of seconds for Risikat to realise what this actually means for her hair, and she does a full-on "NOOOO!" and starts crying. Heeee. It's only momentary crying though, and she soon recovers enough to tell her hair that she's going to miss it. Tyson tells her she can always pick up another bag of it. Tyson's kind of a bitch. I love it. Meanwhile, Lisa covers her eyes and holds Whitney's hand as they lop her hair off. Look, I'm a man in my thirties: let it be known that I understand the trauma of losing one's hair. But all the same: GET A GRIP, please. Risikat uses this experience as an excuse to get a hug and a kiss off Tyson. Smart girl. [Risikat is a genius which is rare for this programme - Helen] Lisa is handed her snipped-off ponytail to hold, which just gives her the vapours all over again until she decides to suck it up and come to terms with having short hair. Tyson, clearly bored, starts posing with everyone else's cut-off hair attached to his bonce and his chin. I like this Tyson, I'd like to see more of him please.

Adverts. Everything about The Wedding Video looks utterly horrific.

When we return, Tasmin is feeling excited about her impending makeover. Roxanne interviews that everyone's scared, but that she thinks Lisa is REALLY scared. Nothing gets past ol' Veronica Mars over here, does it? Whitney breaks it to Lisa that they're going to give her a pixie cut, and Lisa is about three seconds away from sheer catatonia at this point. Anne sits down for an interview with what appears to be pink marshallows leaking out of her scalp (and people say models are empty-headed!) to say that Lisa is "fighting back the tears". It's not a particularly illuminating soundbite, but I think the producers were just desperate to use that shot of her because she looks so completely surreal. Not that I blame them. The stylist gets started with snipping away at Lisa's hair for real and Lisa lets a few tears slip out. Whitney keeps reassuring her that "it's going to be okay", and for crying out loud, it is a haircut. You have not just been mowed down by a pantechnicon. If it's a complete disaster, it will grow back. Anyway, it doesn't look too bad - it makes her look like a brunette version of Tuffnuh. Roxanne interviews, helpfully, that Lisa has had "a boy haircut" and that she personally does not like it.

With Risikat's extensions now removed, the judges are cooing over how beautiful her natural hair is, and Elle admits that they may have to rethink their plans now. Risikat is quite pleased about this. Jennifer's dramatic short cut has been completed, and Elle - with, it has to be said, perhaps not the best timing in the world - decides to use this moment to tell Jennifer which is her better side to be viewed from (it's her right, if anyone's wondering). We get another shot of Anne and her marshmallow head as we learn that she's going blonde. As the stylists wash the bleach out, Julien opines that she "looks like a leopard". Back to Risikat, and apparently Elle's gone back to her first plan and still wants to give her a Halle Berry-over. (Elle's clearly caught the mispronunciation bug, saying "Hirley Berry".) Risikat interviews that none of these bitches know what they're doing with her hair, and she's getting frustrated.

Meanwhile, Elle and Kellie's hairdresser are having a disagreement over how short she should go, but Kellie seems fairly philosophical about all this. Elsewhere, Roxanne is having her hair painted orange. "I knew this would happen to me!" she exclaims. "Especially when I've got Julien. I knew it." Hee. Penelope interviews that Jennifer's putting a brave face on because she didn't want to go short or dark, which is exactly what Elle decided to do with her. Jennifer herself pops in mid-dye job to point out that her hair is now diarrhoea colour. She hopes it won't be that colour when they've finished.

The stylists finish with Anita, and she's got sort of a flatter version of The Rachel. Tasmin now has a fringe, but is worried that we can't see her eyebrows any more. Meanwhile, Risikat is crying as her hair gets hacked off. She sobs that she looks "ugly". The stylist finishes with Roxanne, and Julien asks her if she likes it. "I don't know," is her answer in public, but we immediately see her in a confessional crying that "they've made my hair ginger...it's not even red-ginger, it's just orange, like I've got a fucking carrot on my head!" Elle and Whitney admire Lisa's new pixie cut, which actually looks really good, like Erin O'Connor with attitude.

Kellie has been given a short bob cut with an equally short fringe, which she declares "chic". Well, that's one happy customer, at least. Surprisingly (for this show at least), Risikat's promised Halle Berry haircut actually ends up looking quite a lot like Halle Berry, with a bit of Rihanna thrown in. Julien says "she looks like Oprah Winfrey when she had her hair cut short" - I think that's meant to be a compliment, but it's Julien, so really, who knows? Roxanne's hair has gone full Rebekah Brooks/Sideshow Bob at this point, and Julien gets everyone in the salon to cheer about how much they like it. Roxanne still looks unconvinced. Jennifer's new cut is short and asymmetric and makes her look a bit like Pink. She's upset by how short it is, but it kind of suits her. Emma G's hair is kind of the same, but with a bit more of a honey-colouring to it and a bit more bounce.

The team are still trying to salvage Roxanne's hair and I'm beginning to think there really is no hope at this point. She's in tears, and in this case I can understand it because they've made her look absolutely dreadful - it doesn't suit her skin tone, in fact I don't think it would suit anybody's, and it just looks like a cheap home dye-job gone wrong. Elle keeps promising Roxanne that it's "not horrible". Elle is a terrible liar. "It's going to look absolutely...." Elle assures her, never actually finishing that thought. Julien tells her she's going to be the stand-out girl. Yes, standing outside the nearest solicitor's office, hammering on the door. Penelope's hair is a bit longer and a bit blonder, and Madeleine's got a bit of a Naomi Campbell weave going on. Back to Roxanne, and Julien tells her that her hair is just going to "pop" under the camera. I think that is a genuine, literal possibility. Elle says that "it all depends on how you work it", as Kelly Rowland plays in the background as if to underline her point. I think you could work all the hours God sends and still never truly make sense of that hair. Poor, poor Roxanne. Finally, Anne's hair is done - she's got a short peroxide-blonde cut, which is reasonably decent. It's actually been a fairly good set of makeovers this year, which ultimately makes poor Roxanne's fate all the more humiliating.

Back at the house, the girls are getting used to their new hair. Kellie and Tasmin sit together, with Kellie declaring it "Britain And Ireland's Next Top Fringe". BintFringe! Roxanne says she feels like a orangutan. [Ranga! - Helen] Madeleine puts an orange cushion on her head and does a Roxanne impression. Penelope has decided that hers makes her look like a prostitute, which Risikat can't understand at all since it's not that far removed from what she originally had. Amazing stealth-burn there. Penelope says that it makes her look like she's chasing footballers for a living. Tasmin declares that "90%" of the girls are happy. Cut to Jennifer in tears. Cut back to Tasmin and Kellie saying that they like Jen's hair, even if she hates it. Anita, ever-keen to endear herself to me, says that Jennifer has only herself to blame, "coming across like that" with all those piercings and tattoos, so they've given her a haircut to match. God, Anita is the actual worst. Madeleine thinks that the ones who looked ugly before are rocking now, and the one that looked beautiful before now looks like a boy (editing suggests she's talking about Lisa). Roxanne concludes that it has "not been a good day".

The next day, there is Elle Mail read by Emma G - who, I've just realised, is now virtually indistinguishable from Letitia, thanks to the makeovers, which is going to make things quite difficult. "Hello girls, Your makeovers have given you all a model look, but there's still one thing missing. I'm sure today will put a smile on your face, so get your skates on and have a great day. Love Elle x" The girls are then taken to a cosmetic dentist, who tells them that they've all been chosen for their "natural beauty" (conspicuous shot of Roxanne's carrot-juice hair here) and now he's going to enhance that by cleaning up their teeth. So they were chosen for natural beauty, only for it to be thrown out the door a few days later? Sure, that makes sense. The girls take it in turns to sit in his chair (Emma apologises that she "just ate a nut bar", which makes me laugh) and get their smiles whitened. Everything about dentistry terrifies me, but they don't show any of the gruesome bits, though Letitia admits that she had a bit of a problem and had to stop halfway through. Everyone else has really white teeth, while hers are just "averagely-white". Oh no! Averagely-white!

The girls board a bus where champagne is waiting for them, along with legwarmers and colourful tutus. They're deposited at a roller disco, where Letitia observes that everyone's getting on really well right now. "Maybe it's the teeth," she concludes. Hilariously, this leads into Penelope and Risikat complaining about how annoying she's being about her teeth. Roxanne thinks Letitia is too young and immature for this competition. That's a terrifying thought. A man in a tutu, wearing roller skates, drops off an Elle Mail: "Hi girls, I hope you had a great day. Enjoy it while it lasts, because tomorrow you'll be doing time." Back at the house, Lisa and Anne mull over whether this could possibly mean anything other than jail. Penelope thinks they're going to be villains. Emma G is excited that they're going to get to pose alone for the first time, presumably. In a confessional, Kellie thinks it might be a beauty shot with their new sparkly-teeth, at which Letitia (who is also present) has to pipe up that hers are only "half-sparkly". Roxanne interviews that people are getting tired of Letitia acting like a baby.

After the ads, we rejoin the models as they're arriving at a prison, which looks a lot like the one that Dead Boss was filmed in, though I guess there's probably a fairly limited amount of prisons available to hire for entertainment purposes, so if it's the same one it probably shouldn't be a huge surprise. They're greeted by Mollie King from The Saturdays (what, were none of this show's full-time employees available?) who tells them they're going to be incarcerated in Top Model prison to find out who's going to become top dog. I assume this will involve at least some degree of situationally-enforced lesbianism. I hope so, anyway. Mollie hands over to Sarah Salter from Casio Baby G who waffles on a bit about the brand and how their watches are "pretty and tough", so they're perfect for prison, or something. Today's photographer is Joseph Sinclair, who has shot all sorts of famous people, and also The Saturdays.

Risikat's up first, and she's been given a whip to pose with. She seems alarmingly pleased with this development. Things seem to go well on her shoot, with Mollie likening her favourably to Rihanna. Risikat interviews that Mollie said she wanted her body. Wow, girls really do turn to lesbianism very quickly in prison. Sarah likes the shot, but is concerned that Risikat seemed to just forget about the watch in some shots. Lisa is up next, and interviews that it was a fierce, grungy editorial shoot, which is the sort of thing that she loves. After her we have Anita, and Mollie thinks she looks nervous, so Sarah reminds Anita that she needs to look like a tough prison bitch. Anita does an interview with bed-hair and wearing panda pyjamas (cute!) saying that it worries her when people say that, because she's not nervous, so she doesn't know why she looks nervous. Joseph takes some overhead shots of her lying on a bed, which seem to go down well.

After that we have Penelope, who seems a bit lost, but Mollie likes it when her hair falls into her face. Penelope interviews that she wasn't naturally rough-looking, so she's taking that as a compliment. It appears to be a compliment from herself but hey, that still counts, right? Anne's next, and I'm starting to realise just how much the blonde hair makes her look like Ashlee Simpson. She poses behind bars, and gets some good shots. Then we have Letitia (I really did think this was Emma G until Emma G popped up again later - this is a serious makeoversight, if such a word exists) who has legs right up to her armpits, and impresses Sarah with ten different poses that they've not seen from any of the others yet. Tasmin poses on some steps, and Mollie tells her that she and Sarah are having major leg envy. They don't seem to be getting much direction from Mollie and Sarah, it has to be said. Joseph tells Tasmin to go for a Grace Jones effect, so Tasmin produces a hula hoop from nowhere and rolls it around her hips while singing 'Slave To The Rhythm'. Okay, she doesn't, but that would have been awesome, wouldn't it? Looking over the shots, Mollie is concerned that Tasmin has an amazing body but isn't sure how to use it yet.

Backstage, Kellie is getting her make-up done, and the make-up artist notes that her eyes are tearing up. Kellie interviews that sometimes, out of nowhere, you just get a bit caught up in the pressure of things, and while she's not going to give up, this is tougher than she expected. She vows to channel the emotion into the shoot, and Sarah compliments her on looking tough. Mollie decides that she loves Kellie. Afterwards, Kellie cries again, but with happy tears this time. Then there's Madeleine, whose new hair Mollie and Sarah love. Her shoot isn't quite so well-received though, as Sarah expresses concern that Madeleine started strong and then went downhill. Still, they think she might have got it in the first shot.

Voice of Fearne intones that as the day drew on, Sarah was forced to leave as she had a flight to catch. Such is the glamour of being a brand rep, I guess. That leaves Jennifer with just Mollie and Joseph to guide her. Joseph loves Jennifer's eyes, and Mollie thinks the watch is getting good focus in the shots too. Next we have Emma G (the real one this time) posing in leather pants and suspenders and giving it a lot of sex. Mollie loves the shots, and wants to be Emma. Afterwards Emma admits she'll be glad to get some clothes back on, and gives Jennifer a proper eyeful of ass as she walks past. Finally there's Roxanne, whose hair Mollie absolutely loves. They like her posing and her attitude, although sometimes the watch gets forgotten. Roxanne seems buoyed a little by her experience here.

Back at the house, there is Elle Mail, read by Risikat: "Hello girls, You've all had stunning transformations this week, but are you transforming into top models. Tomorrow you will meet with the judges and only 11 of you will remain in the running to become Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model. Love Elle x" There is much sadness at this. New twins Letitia and Emma G declare that this is "not the best time of the week". Lisa says that they feel they've only just got through one elimination, and now there's another one. Madeleine wants Letitia to go because "she's too short, too commercial and she's got really really big knockers". No, but tell us how you really feel, etc. Kellie doesn't think they'll send her home unless Elle hears that she cried on the shoot and thinks she's unprofessional. Roxanne thinks Emma might go, because she's too pretty to be a model - but she doesn't really care who goes, as long as it's not her.

Judgement day at Television Centre! Guest judge for the week is singer and dancer and former Pussycat Doll Kimberly Wyatt. Julien is pleased to have her around, because she is small like him. Voice of Fearne reminds us of our judges, and the girls troop into the elimination room. Elle tells them how great they all look post-makeover, and Voice of Fearne reminds us all what the prizes are. (I seriously will never tire of that shot of the cards on the wall at Models 1, with Tuffnuh and Joy next to each other and Alisha NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.) [I enjoy that bit so much, I watch it three times when it's on - Helen]

Up first for analysis is Madeleine. Julien likes her shot, and Kimberly thinks she's a beautiful girl, but wants her to be able to relax into herself a bit more to let her beauty shine through. Tyson can see confidence and attitude in her shot. Letitia is next, and her shot is pretty awesome. Whitney opines that she looks sexy but in a way that works for Letitia and not in a phwoargh lads-mag sort of way. Julien wants to see her looking a bit different. Dude, she's just had a makeover. Elle tells him to shut up, and asks what Tyson thinks. Tyson is never bored by beauty, and encourages her to keep going with what she's doing.

Mid-judging ad break. Grrr. I will never be okay with these.

 When we return, it's Kellie's turn. Elle asks her a suspiciously loaded question: "how did you find the pressure on your first photo shoot alone?" Kellie cops to having a bit of a cry and needing to work on being confident. Elle tells her there's no point being good on set and falling apart afterwards. She likes Kellie's shot though, and Whitney gives her credit for using what she's going through "as a platform". Okay. Tyson warns her not to hide inside herself and to keep growing. Emma is called forward, and Julien tells her he's worried for her because she's got competition in Letitia, and one of them will go because they look the same. Is this not exactly the sort of situation the makeovers are supposed to avoid, not create? They didn't look like each other before Whitney and Tyson got their hands on them, so perhaps the judges should compare notes before turning up to the salon. Kimberly loves Tasmin's best shot, and even sees a lot of potential in her walk down the catwalk in the judging room. Tasmin tells Kimberly that she's her favourite guest judge, while Alesha Dixon sobs quietly at home.

Next up is Roxanne. Miraculously, her hair actually looks good in the picture. Julien congratulates himself on making her stand out. Tyson asks Roxanne if she likes her hair, and she cautiously replies "it's growing on me". Elle and Tyson point out how amazing it looks in the picture, conveniently ignoring the fact that she had a professional hair and make-up team to make it look like that, and on days like today where she has to sort it out herself, she goes back to looking like Chucky. Elle loves Anne as a blonde, and her best shot gets good notes. Whitney thinks that the eyes really grab the viewer, and Julien likes her newness and freshness. Risikat is next: Julien tells her that last week she was a bit of a bimbo ("oh, thanks," replies Risikat) and now she's strong, aggressive and modern.

Then we have Jennifer, and Elle asks her how the transformation feels. Jennifer answers that it's weird not having her hair, but she's trying to make it work as much as she can. She doesn't sound wholly convinced herself, though. Her picture gets a lukewarm reception - Tyson wants her to be more rocker than she is in the shot. Penelope is called next, and Elle says that she knows Penelope isn't convinced by her new hair because she's worried about looking cheap. She says this with a look of serious dissatisfaction on her face, so I think Penelope is going to need an amazing shot to save her ungrateful ass at this point. Kimberly likes the picture because she thinks it looks effortless, but she's less impressed by Penelope in person because she doesn't feel any confidence from her. Penelope admits that she's been crying all morning because she doesn't want to go home. Kimberly tells her that she needs to present herself with confidence and show everyone that she wants it, and that way she won't go home. Julien says he wants her to win, because she's got a magic about her, but he thinks people will be watching her and shouting "come on!" I'm not sure about that, I basically watched this entire segment and shrugged.

Lisa's next and her shot is declared "fierce" by Elle, but Elle thinks Lisa doesn't like it. Lisa swears that she does, but it's just very different and she's not used to seeing herself like that. Tyson cranks up an anecdote, saying that he's a bad boy and he's spent the odd night behind bars. This causes Whitney to forget where she is and think she's back on The Hills, such is her gawp and incredulous "you have?!" in response. Old habits die hard, I guess. Anyway, Tyson tells Lisa that if he'd walked into his cell and seen her like that, he'd have been scared. Is it very likely he'd have been in the cells with a woman? I've never been arrested (OBVIOUSLY) so I don't know. Lisa cringes at this, but Tyson assures her he means it as a compliment - he likes it, she's giving him Catwoman. Finally we have Anita, and Whitney is concerned with the squinting yet again. Julien tells her there are lots of faults, but she should forget about them because she's hot. Yes, that's very helpful and constructive Julien, thanks for that. Kimberly's all "eat your heart out, Penelope Cruz!", and while I've liked Kimberly in this episode, I think that's going a bit far. She sees a lot of potential in Anita, but isn't sure whether she's mastered it yet.

Time for the judges to deliberate as the girls head into the corridors. Roxanne says the hair is not really her and she can't pretend to be something that she isn't. She may want to rethink the whole "modelling" thing then, because I hear that's a considerable part of the job. Back in the room, the judges evaluate the pictures. Madeleine looks fantastic in the pictures, but can't deliver in the room. Letitia is a threat to everyone else, Kimberly thinks. Kellie's shot is liked, but they think it's more Chicago than Vogue. Whitney thinks Tasmin's picture was one of the weakest, but Tyson thinks it's the best one she's done so far. Elle sings Roxanne's name (please don't do that every week) and Whitney gets herself into my good books by admitting that she hates Roxanne's hair and that it makes her look like a clown. Julien pulls Whitney's hair in response to this. Julien thinks Anne has a peculiar face, but Kimberly thinks that makes her stand out. Then we have Risikat, and Julien thinks she has the best picture of the bunch, while Jennifer's is the worst. Elle ponders that sometimes we don't like the picture, but we love the girl and think she can deliver next week. Tyson loves Penelope's personality, but he doesn't like her as a model. Whitney thinks Lisa's working her new hair and her posing is great, but Kimberly thinks she's trying too hard. Elle and Tyson love Emma's figure. Elle thinks Anita looks like a young Penelope Cruz. I think perhaps, in this one shot, but just barely, and if that particular train of though returns next week I shall be unimpressed.

Time to send someone home! Elle has 12 very beautiful girls before her, but only 11 photographs in her hand. The first girl called out with picture of the week is Roxanne, with the note that they think she can do it, but she has to prove to them that she can. Emma is second, then Letitia, Lisa, Risikat, Anne, Anita, Madeleine, Kellie and Jennifer. Elle warns Jennifer that this is not a great shot, but she's amazing. This leaves Tasmin and Penelope in the bottom two. The judges see improvement in Tasmin, but she still has one of the weakest shots, and Elle is worried that things aren't going to work for her going ahead. Penelope had a great makeover and is close to being a model, but Elle doesn't think Penelope feels like that. So who stays? Tasmin. Penelope gives Elle a hug, and Elle tells her she can go and get her extensions out now. Penelope interviews that it's not so much leaving the contest that's weird, but not being in the house with the others will be strange. Also, she's realised that modelling's kind of stupid and she wants to do something more with her life. Hooray!

Next week: the girls wear weird t-shirts for some schoolchildren, have a timed photoshoot, and somebody's attitude gets called out at panel. Join Helen for the full rundown!