Britain's Next Top Illegal Emmigrant

Top 5: 5th September 2011

Previously on BINT-MODEL : I wasn't recapping, so actual interesting things happened. Tanya threw a benny over having to do an underwater shoot and then hung around for the next 40 minutes or so, wondering if she might be eliminated later for this. She was. Meanwhile in the same shoot Jessica surpassed anyway by coming on to a turtle. Later the girls all did a photoshoot with Nicky Scouse-Face which was enlivened by the Axis rubbing onions on their faces to produce fake tears. This OUTRAGED Nicky Scouse-Face but nobody else cared. Oh and also there was a round-table where Elle squeezed the girls most unsubtly for sob-stories and boasted about how she was better than her own teenage-mum mother. Oh and ALSO Katie Price turned up and shouted VIYUW! and JOGGON! and was generally even worse than Grace. And ANOTHER THING - Stacey then went home.

Coming up : I'm recapping again so, you know, probably nothing interesting's going to happen.

(*CREDITS*)

The girls return to BINTMansions from last week's traumatising elimination, rolling their suitcases behind them. Juste's apparently weighs a ton, and poor Anastasija is stuck at the back, carrying hers single-handedly, wearing exactly the same expression I always wear when I get stuck behind tourists at Paddington. JUST PICK IT UP, WEAKLINGS. Still she's got the good temper to call an Axis meeting and yell "WE'RE TOP 5! COME ON!" at Juste. Juste is not quite so excited. To be fair, you have to wonder what Juste would have to do to NOT make TOP 5! given that she almost sort of looks a bit like a model. Which, out of this cast, is a big thing. She says that TOP 5! was always her minimum goal, and now she wants to make Top 2. Anastasija shoves her out of the way and says "NO! I WANT TO WIN!" and it collapses in mock-giggling.

Meanwhile, probable actual winner Jade says that TOP 5! is the first time she's really thought she might to be able to win the whole competition. All she has to do is stay focused and keep on taking good photos. Jessica jokes that she can't see any reason for anybody out of the TOP 5! other than her to win the show. [<3 - Helen] Juste also wants to win. Imogen's thoughts on whether she can win are not recorded. Probably for the best.

At least she gets to read out this week's E-Mail. Beforehand though, she gurns about how weird it is to be only reading this out to four other girls. Because, did they mention, this week is TOP 5!? To be honest Imogen, I'd get used to it, because four people is probably the sort of audience you can expect to perform to as BINT-MODEL. The tortuous labyrinth of puns in the E-Mail tells the girls really quickly that this week's first photo-shoot is for a beauty shot. Apparently this is something Juste guessed beforehand. Woo.

Imogen tells us all in interview that as soon as they worked out it was a beauty shot, all the girls ran upstairs to apply moisturiser/spike all of the other girls moisturisers with poison ivy, like in a Mallory Towers novel. This is accompanied by a little montage of the Axis Beauty Camp with Juste talking the other members of the TOP 5! through a moisturising routine in a phony-baloney RP accent, and everyone thendoing the Anastasija "lion-face" she did in her Pulitzer-winning interview with The Wanted/Wanting/One Thing. Now that Tanya's gone, everyone seems to be getting on. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT?!

Next morning, the girls leave BINTMansion and head for Holborn Studios, where they meet Carly O'Connor, who is the marketing manager for Revlon, and hence will be working with the BINT-MODEL after she wins. To her credit, she does not take one look at the line-up in front of her and burst into tears. She tells them that their beauty-shot is for Revlon's webfolio and the theme is "on-trend lip and nail". Well how buzz-speaky. They need to look young, fresh, and...other words that all wind up meaning the same thing. Their photographer for the day is Seb Winter. He looks a bit like that one that was always in The Catherine Tate Show before it just became Catherine screaming "NOUN BOVVERED NOUN BOVVERED NOUN BOVVERED!" directly into your face for half an hour a week.

The Revlon make-up team descend on the girls, and buff up their cuticles good and proper. Jade says she's very excited about the beauty shot, because the judges have told her she's got a beautiful face. Thanks Jade! Juste shows off a set of terrifying looking talons, and Jessica says that she's never done a beauty shot before, but she has practised a lot in the mirror. Thanks Jessica! Imogen says she's excited, but Anastasija is worried, because the judges keep on calling her out for only having one facial expression. To be fair, that's just Charley, and who cares what he thinks? Really? [Clearly nobody, they treat him like he's there because he's won a competition - Helen]

Jessica is up first, and she complains that going first was probably the worst thing that could happen to her. You know, other than getting shot. Her shoot is alright, although her poses aren't helping her natural draggyness. It's all a little Paris Is Burning. Carly tells Jessica that they're getting a lot of lip, and not a lot of nail, and could Jessica maybe fix that? Jessica does so, and then the shoot is over. Both Carly and Seb agree that Jessica only really came to life at the end of the shoot.

Juste is next, and she rocks it, in a Duran Duran video girl sort of way. Everyone just gushes about how amazing she looks. Anastasija follows, channelling Kirsten Dunst as hard as she can. She gets decent reviews on set, but upon looking at the pictures, Carly and Seb decide she is in fact a secret fug. The fact that Carly was shooting daggers at her for the entire shoot might also be influencing her decision here. Maybe she sat through How To Lose Friends And Alienate People?

Fourth on set is Imogen. Her beauty shot poses are very chat-line. Lots of clutching the ear and the hip and giving the camera come to bed/the back seat of your Ford Cortina eyes. She gets good reviews from Carly and Seb, and says that she really enjoyed the shoot. Last to go is Jade, who has a glossy damson lip-stick on that is really over-powering the rest of her face. Oh God, sorry, almost sounded like I thought that I knew what I was going on about there. Hang on. Jade has pretty face but is not fierce enough so Carly tell her to be more fierce and to own it and then she does. Hooray! [I think Jade's got this in the bag, but then again, I thought that about Charlotte this time last year so why listen to me? - Helen]

There we go.

Shoot over, Carly and Seb both agree that it looks like today was full of surprises, and now the competition is really close again. How the screw would they know how close it's been? Have they been watching from their sky-pools a la the Gods in Clash Of The Titans? Anyway, Carly calls all the girls together and tells them that the day was full of surprises! They found two really strong players! Juste and Jade! And they're both going to win a prize! A trip each to London Fashion Week!

I know "day of surprises" to me says "Juste and Jade are identified as the two best ones". I also wonder how Carly's friends react to being spoken to like this! All the time! Although maybe that's just for tv!

Take That BURST into life on the soundtrack, as Jade tells us that she's always wanted to go to London Fashion Week, and Juste says that she's really proud and that this proves she really can achieve something in modelling. Woo. How inspiring.

The girls return to BINTMansion, and Juste tells us all that as soon as they got back, all the girls decided to totally spontaneously just sit down and have a cup of tea in front of the giant plasma screen. I often do that after a long hard day's work standing still and pawing at my own face. Apparently the theme of this chat was "Juste is amazing and naturally beautiful and amazing and smells of jasmine and birds sudddenly appear every time she is near". I'm wondering if this segment is being related through Axis Rashomon. Anastasija pops up next to tell us that, wonder upon wonders, the plasma tv TURNED ON! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT?

It's Elle! She's being driven along the streets of London, and tells the girls she's sorry that she can't be there to see them wiggle around in their new-found TOP 5! status, but she's on the way to the airport. Basically what follows is a really circumlocutory ramble informing the girls that to go to the airport she needs a passport. To get out of the country. Also she needs a visa. She was born in the 1960s. She hasn't got many stamps on her passport because her passport is new... Hey, also, they might need a passport. Because they are going to the airport. Because they're going to Miami. As part of the show. For a foreign visit. As the show does. Imagine getting proposed to by Hugh Grant. It's that rambly and disappointing. [I keep hoping for Elle to take a leaf out of cycle 2 Tyra's book and rap this whole bit, but I'm always disappointed. - Steve]

Everyone does their best to look excited given that they probably worked all this crap out after the first line. Jade does the best at it. Imogen just kind of opens her mouth and hopes this will do. Jessica cries and Anastasija gives her a big hug. THE AXIS CARES! In interview the non-Axis 3 sing "Miami" by Will Smith, and Jessica is the only one who can really do the Spanish bit (RELEVANT FUTURE PLOT POINT!). Anastasija interviews that she's going to walk into Miami with a big smile on her face (OOPS!), Jade says she now has a 1 in 5 chance of winning, Imogen says the competition really starts here, Juste was shocked, because she's always dreamed of going to Miami, and Jessica thinks it's going to be huge, but she's ready for it (future porn shoot? That's pretty much 90% of the industry in Miami isn't it?)

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After Mother Nature's gift of a period is foiled once again (how appropriate for this show), we are back, as the soundtracking department of the obvious plays "Holiday" by Dizzee Rascal over the top of scenes of the girls all packing their best holiday clothes. Imogen is packing lots of shoes, Juste is fully turning herself into a T4 presenter with wickerwork hat and shades, Jessica says she's heard that Miami is really hot so...she packs a big bulky leather jacket. OK Jessica.

This fun packing time is interrupted by a VISIT from her our HAIRDRESSER, PAUL! That's the emphasis that Anastasija puts on the sentence anyway. She's not in shot, so maybe she was narrating this bit during her cavity search at Heathrow Airport. Turns out Paul's there to wash the pink crap out of Anastasija's hair. I hope he was subsequently dispatched to relieve Witch-Face Amy of what Julien did to her. Anastasija lies that she'll miss her pink hair, but she is happy to be going back to being blonde, because that's been her hair colour since she was born.

Back in the room, Imogen looks forward to the sun, Juste says that she really wants to win now, Jessica jokes that she wants to win more than ANY of these other girls, in fact she wants it more than ANYTHING in the WORLD. Oh hurry up and get to Miami already.

Is anyone bored of lots of shots of the judges arriving places yet? Yes? Good. Here are some more. First we get some establishing shots of Miami. By which I mean semi-attractive people walking on the beach. Then we see Elle pulling up the show's Miami Base, Fontaine Bleau, and wanders in with her usual slack-jawed expression. Charley and Julien arrive together next, with Julien charging through the door jigging like Animal from The Muppets screaming "WELCOME TO MIAMI! FONTAINE BLEAU!". Oh Julien. Last to turn up is Grace. I honestly assumed she was jet-lagged/hung over, but apparently she's playing the role of a Miami diva. Oh dear.

But wait! What's this? A DRAMATIC TURN OF EVENTS?! That's right, Anastasija's passport has been rejected at the airport. We see her walking out in the middle of the night with her bags and a sad face on, as tinkly piano music of tears plays in the background. She says that she feels really upset, and that this could only happen to her. She really doesn't want to give the girls hope that, just because her passport was rejected, she might be eliminated from the competition. Maybe you shouldn't have put "Killing Bitches Dead For The Glory Of The Axis" under your occupation Anastasija?

We see a montage of Anastasija shots, but she doesn't disappear from the pre-series group shot with that "JHUSH!" noise, so we all know this means nothing. Jessica gets her thesaurus out and sadly interviews that this is "a mysterious and surreal situation that nobody could have anticipated". To be fair, she doesn't specify what this relates to, so it's probably a post-show interview about how Imogen won. Imogen says that Anastasija did really well to make TOP 5!, so this must be sad for her. Jade interviews that she's really close to Anastasija (ha! she wishes!) so she knows this is really gutting for her. Juste holds out hope that this is not the end for the axis. Anastasija curls up in her hotel room and cries herself to sleep. Baw. [It's clearly a Travelodge or similar as well. This show is so fucking cheap. - Steve]

Back to Miami now, and the producers call a "crisis meeting" to discuss the future of the competition without Anastasija (what future of the competition without Anastasija?). I really hope the solution is "do all the same photoshoots as the rest of the girls, but in Croydon". Work that plastic crocodile Anastasija! Work the danger! Anyway, the "crisis meeting" is some producer meeting the judges in the hotel bar and telling them that, oops, Anastasija's passport turned out to be for a 80 year old Chinese man from Hackney. So she can't come to Miami. Elle asks if this means she can still come to Miami, and the producer clarifies that no she can't. Yet. Elle groans "oh no, this is as disaster" and they edit out the bit where she says "does this mean this shit is going to last one week less? I'm still getting paid right?". Anyway, in fact, the competition is to continue as if nothing has happened whilst the producers...try to sort something out.

Cut to the girls driving in open-top cars through sunn...drizzly Miami! WOOOOOO! After they all dance around on the backseat like LA 7, the cars pull up at Fontaine Bleau, where the girls are greeted by a red carpet, and about 20 bell-boys and girls in swimsuits. Oh and the hotel manager, who is clearly pissed. After slurring his way through some guff about how Marilyn Monroe had a NOTORIOUS affair with Frank Sinatra and President Obama in the cocktail lounge, he gives the girls the keys to the Presidential Suite. They'll be cleaning it up every day this week starting 9am. GOOD LUCK GOILS!

Not really, they're staying in it, and they all run around it screaming and throwing themselves on the furniture. I thought we got this over with in Week 1? THERE ARE SUN-LOUNGERS! AND A POOOOOOOOOOOOL! AND BEDDDDDDDS! AND A SHOWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! AND MIRRRRRRORRRRRRRRRRRRS! AND COAT HANGGGGGGGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSS! Imogen interviews that all this luxury is just madness! Madness!

After everyone's done screaming, the girls "find" an E-Mail floating on an inflatable in the pool. It tells them that, because they've just arrived, Elle's giving them all the day off to sample the Miami Beach lifestyle. Oh good, more filler.

It turns out Charley has sourced more male models from out of his pimpery. They emerge from the sea and greet the girls for a game of beach volleyball. I feel a bit sorry for the one who was sent home because Anastasija's passport turned out to be dissolvable. Especially as he must be less good-looking than this fairly sorry bunch. One of them has Bieber hair and a pubestache.

Anyway, the girls play beach volleyball, Girls Aloud plays on the soundtrack, Imogen and Jade suck, the girls win anyway, everyone runs around squealing in their bikinis, and this is the most pointless segment in even this 90% pointless series. Nobody even cops of with anyone or anything.

Next day now, and Jessica and Imogen tell us that it was straight back to business with their next photoshoot. They all roll up to basically a play-pretend Florida everglades set, where they meet Charley. He tells them that this is Magic City Farm, where they will be doing a photoshoot for Company Magazine. Speaking of which, here is Victoria White. She's the editor of Company Magazine, and has somehow wangled herself this as a freebie. Ah, the perks of being an editor. She just about rattles off that this will be an editorial shoot and that, as they are the TOP 5! she expects a lot of them, before sprinting off to do margaritas at Set Miami.

Charley closes out this segment of the episode by telling the girls that they will be working with a male model on this shoot....IT'S HIM! CHARLEY SPEED![is there anything he won't do to get close to them? - Helen] It would have been those guys from yesterday, but they've all been fired/killed for failing to provide any interesting footage whatsoever. One of them could at least have turned out to be racist or something.

(*advertisement break*)

After I wonder why they didn't get Amy in to do a tie-in endorsement for Witch Beauty Products, it's back to the photoshoot. Everyone is getting made-up and Imogen worries about the added pressure of having Charley as their male model on the shoot. So long as you nudge him occasionally to remind him to breathe, you should be fine Imogen. Sat on the sidelines meanwhile, Charley groans disinterestedly about how given that we're at TOP 5! he's expecting big things today. Eh, don't get your hopes up.

First on set is Juste, in a hat, white sleeveless shirt, and flowery pants. From the waist up she looks like you could drop her right in Razorlight and nobody would notice. Although to be fair, would anybody notice anything Razorlight did these days? She poses around sexily on the front porch of a shack as Charley slumps in a doorway. She too talks about all the added pressure of having Charley on set (in modelling I imagine you'd have to get used to that BAD'UM TISH!) but she thinks the shoot went fine. Charley agrees, and tells her she gave good variation. Off-set Victoria thinks Juste's shots are the best she's seen in her 5 years of ligging off the bac...working with BINT-MODEL.

Imogen next, and she's posing with Charley on the back of a vintage American car. She looks mumsier than ever. She rolls about a bit on the boot, but Victoria tells her she needs to be more carefree and playful with the shoot. She's over-thinking it apparently, and Charley coaches her through looking natural on camera. *snort*. Once she's done, Imogen says that she really enjoyed the shoot, and she wasn't at all nervous. Off-set Victoria basically says the shoot was like pulling teeth, and she was far too nervous on set. Charley agrees that she was stiff from the start, but everyone agrees that there may well be a decent shot in there, if they burrow hard enough.

Next up is Jade, who is doing a soft and romantic shot apparently. She's sat in a rusty old porch chair whilst Charley tries to look Southern and brooding at the side. Unfortunately for her Victoria decides that Charley is stealing the shot from her (let's face it, Charley couldn't steal the shot even if someone else through a breezeblock through the window first), and so they "have to" move him away from her to let her shine. Afterwards the shoot crew agree that Jade allowed to be magic to be stolen by the hurricane of charisma of Charley Speed, and they expected more from her. Her face was alright though.

Jessica closes us off, by sitting on yet more battered old garden furniture, making this look like a photoshoot for B & Q vintage more than Company Magazine. She seems to get into the groove of the shoot fairly quickly, and then does that thing where her totally natural interaction with Charley yields a better shot than the artificial world of model poses ever could. Afterwards everyone says how surprised they were with how good Jessica was, but Victoria says she looks like a grown-up, with boobs and hips and everything, and therefore is far too old for Company magazine. BOO MATURE WOMANHOOD!

Back at Fontaine Bleau now, and the girls have found another E-Mail. Jessica dubs it the "E-Mail of DOOM" and yes, it's telling them to prepare for the taste of a Miami Elimination! It's just like a normal elimination, but with Charley swearing he didn't know the guest judge was a man. *zip*. Oh, and apparently it's going to take place in the girls' hotel room. How cheap!

Interviews : Jade can't believe someone's going home already, Imogen feels awful, Juste isn't very confident in herself but thinks she'll stay, Jessica thinks there's so much more she can do on the show than she's done this far. But then she's always felt like that. I've kind of had the same feeling Jessica, but about...well everybody on the show. And every thing.

Anyway, next everyone sits around and talks about how unfair it would be if Anastasija was allowed to continue whilst one of them got sent home. I kind of like the idea of Anastasija just sitting in her hotel room watching Tom & Jerry for a month then having Grace pop her head round the door and say "Oh by the way, you've won". Jessica goes one step further than the rest, saying that she thinks Anastasija should be eliminated for this transgression against international law whatever happens.

I do think it's odd that a (n admittedly possibly pretend) phobia is enough to get someone voted off, but not being professional enough to get your travel documents sorted properly when you've been told months in advance to do so isn't. Then again, Tanya sucked and Anastasija rocks so who cares? [I blame the show. They clearly screened people's travel documentation when they booted Bible Brenda, so they should've properly checked that Anastasija was clear at the same time. - Steve]

Fiftieth montage this series of the judges getting ready. Fifteith time I don't care. Julien and Charley do their usual cutesy flirt-bickering wherein Julien calls Charley a tree. Joining them this week is Olivia Palermo. Who's that? She looks like Olivia Lee crossed with a sloth. Apparently she's a socialite? I'm sorry, I don't mine much further down in The Hills lore than Speidi. [Apparently she was the only good thing about Whitney's spin-off. I wouldn't know - like you, if there's no Heidi, I'm not interested. - Steve] The girls hotel room has been tarted up with a plasma screen and some flowers for the occasion, and said girls are then led in, in slow-mo, with Fearne Cotton voicing over.

Elle starts by reminding them that Anastasija is not here, but they're going to look at her beauty shot anyway, because it's crap, and that's always good for a laugh. She also recaps the prizes, like anyone could forget. Models 1, Company magazine, Sandals Royal Plantation Resort, Peugeot RCZ, Revlon, Miss Selfridge etc etc. I have checked, and they're not quietly chipping them away as the show's run gets more lengthy and disastrous. Yet.

Elle tells the girls that they will be looking at both their beauty and editorial shots this week, and asks the girls how it was "working" with Charley Speed. They all say it was amazing, and then Grace jokes that their cheques are now in the mail. Like any of them are getting paid for this nonsense. Ever again. This said, the girls are all dispatched bar Jessica, as apparently their evaluations are one-on-one this week. So now, not only are we not getting elimination reaction shots, we're not getting ANY reaction shots. BOO! How much better would this series have been if the Axis were allowed to stand there cackling their heads off when Tanya got cut? MUCH. That's how much.

(*advertisement break*)

After I wonder what the benefits would have to be to put up with being friends with Justin Timberlake, we are back, with Jessica's evaluation.

Her beauty shot is first, and it's not bad, although her hands are a bit awkward. Grace shoves her chin into her neck and wobbles "YOU LOOK EXPENSEHVE!" in her very best Julien McDonald voice. The effect is more Marjory The Trash Heap than anything else. It might be the Indian restaurant wallpaper she donned as a dress. Julien proclaims that he really wants to eat her, because she looks so gorgeous and healthy. He thinks she epitomises everything about being a woman, like he'd know. Olivia Thingy really likes her eyes and thinks she worked with the camera well.

The editorial next, and Jessica is asked how it was working with Charley. She gives a very job interview "problem-solution" answer saying she thought it'd be stressful, but actually it turned out fine. The photo is revealed, and it looks a bit like Charley is luring a lady of the night into his everglades cabin. A lady of the night with a secret. Also, it might just be the dress, but it looks like she's got a bit of a sweat-patch going on. Elle says it looks like they're either having a Mexican stand-off, or they're just about to go and shag. Grace says it's beautiful and gentle, and tells Jessica that she surprises her every week. The bar for "surprise" on this show is set awfully low.

Once she's out the room, Julien says that this beauty shot was much better than her last one, but then Elle and Olivia Thingy bitch about her shots were dull and forgettable. Why not say that to her face? Was that not the point of the one-on-one evaluation? Oh...never mind, here's Juste.

Her beauty shot is up first, and it's a bit awkward. Her face looks great (if a bit conky) but the hand placement is very forced and 80s. Everyone loves it anyway. Elle asks Juste if she's ever practised this pose, and Juste says no - she copied it from somewhere else. For legal purposes she "can't remember where from" though. Both Elle and Olivia thing gush over it, as they do her editorial shot. Juste jokes that she tried her hardest because she knew mean ol Charley would try and steal the show from her, and Charley smiles at her and says she was by far the easiest girl to work with. Julien loves how tom-boyish it is. Which he quite fancies. Grace gets all "OOH CAREFUL AT THE AFTERPARTY AROUND JULIEN, JUSTE!" and then Julien announces he's never actually been gay HO HO AS IF, OF COURSE HE'S A MASSIVE BENDER, and everyone falls about laughing until Olivia Thingy breaks it to monotone that she thinks this could easily be a double-page shot. She'd definitely put it on her "inspiration board". Is that what Americans call a wank bank?

Outside, Juste crows to all the other girls about how nice the feedback she got was, particularly Olivia Thing. Back in the room, Julien says she's not the most beautiful girl in the competition, Grace wonders if she's really a top model, and Elle says she really need to develop a better personality. She needs more spark!

Next up is Jade. Elle asks her if she's enjoying this free holiday. Jade says yes. Her beauty shot is up first and her freckles are officially out of control. They're easily the most unique and striking thing about her face, so I am of course left wondering why nobody ever mentions them. Charley for instance chooses to go on about her eyes. Julien tells her she really stands out, and her face really tells a story. Unfortunately, her editorial shot tells a picture as well, and it's one out of a Katie Price novel. Speaking of which, Grace decides to take a judging-trick from her and honks "THAT'S VILE!"

Jade says that she agrees, and she and Charley discuss how she was expecting to come into the shoot and to try and be edgy, given that it was an editorial shoot, but then she was told to be soft and romantic, and it threw her off, never to recover. Olivia Thing says that she quite likes the shot, but her body is awkward. Elle asks Jade if she can win, Jade says yes, on the proviso that she really goes for it. She then begs to have one more chance, and Elle says she'll see. Jade sprints outside and goes to cry on Juste's shoulder.

Back in the room the judges reiterate that her beauty shot was good, but her editorial shot was bad bad bad. However Elle says she's always delivered up to now, and then Grace starts on going on about something called Facehunter, which apparently is something in the current fashion world that is analogous to Jade's look. I guess it shows how suitable I am to recap this show that I have no idea what that is. Apparently it's street fashion, or fashion worn by people just walking through their neighbourhoods or something? *shrug* Maybe she meant Basshunter.

Imogen closes our evaluations, and Elle mocks her for skipping merrily into the judging room. Her beauty shot is first, and her face looks better than it ever has but her hands, as Grace points out, are utterly random. Her left hand in particular looks like a dummy hand someone is poking into shot, much to Imogen's annoyance. Charley jokes that it is "literally heavy-handed". Nobody cares. Imogen's editorial shot is next and she looks super-trashy in it. Like she's just been caught in the middle of a sexy murder. Charley tells her that she got lucky with this picture, because the rest of her shoot was garbage. Julien congratulates her on how sexy she looks, and also has a side-perve on Charley. Elle tells her she had a really great week as she left.

Once she leaves, the judges talk about how surprised they were over everything this week. Surprised, surprised, endlessly surprised over nothing.

Quickly we go over Anastasija's beauty shot. It's awful. Her eyes are looking in completely different directions, one of her nostrils looks glued shut and is retreating up her face, her hair's all lop-sided and she's resting the whole edifice really awkwardly on her fingers. Everyone talks up how dreadful it is (it really is), and Charley reiterates his (ironically) sole criticism about Anastasija's sole facial expression. Upon this, Elle has decided that they have all made their collective decision. The girls all file back in, and it turns out that this decision is...

it's a non-elimination week! Woo! Dance-party! Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, and the judges all applaud. Elle pats herself on the back for her benificence and they all depart to the pool. Julien touches Olivia Thing all the way out the door, and she looks profoundly uncomfortable. Just before they leave Julien tries to get Grace to flash her vagina to the camera she demures.

All the girls interview how glad they are to still be in, and that this week was a non-elimination. Maybe for them. I'm going to take this gap to declare myself eliminated from the season (not because it's rubbish I hasted to add, but because my portion of the recapping duties are now sated). Thank you to Steve and Helen for inviting me, anyone reading for reading, and to all of the contestants (let's face it, particularly the Axis) for making this series semi-watchable. I'm going to leave with a half-arsed entirely wrong prediction as to how this is going to shake out :

1. Jade

2. Juste

3. Jessica

4. Anastasija

5. Imogen

I know, I know. Really putting my neck on the line there.

Next week : ANASTASIJA IS BACK! Probably...

This must be underwater blub

Final 7 – 29^th August 2011

Hello! Welcome to the 9^th episode of Britain and Ireland’s Lovely Girls competition bicycle (They're all bixsexual and nobody told me? Tyra would not let this gimmick have died so unmourned! - Chris) 7. Episode 9. At least three of which have been wasted. Last week’s double elimination showed only that we are not nearly getting enough time to get to know these ladies. Goodness only knows how the judges are making their decisions. Well, this show has always veered on the side of random so they’re probably sticking a pin into a list, or into Charley and seeing whose name the shriek he emits sounds the most like.

But, we’re here for a reason, even if we are telling you about a programme where no reason exists. So, here we go...

We begin, as always, with a recap of last week. The Wanted and the ballet shoot. We see Amy stressing again and I hope to god we get to see her tear streaked, harpy at the end of a Kiss concert in the rain face. Oh! There it is. Bye Amy! Bye Holly! We’ll miss Amy’s bewildered face and Holly’s... er... [...complete lack of interest in the competition? - Steve]

This week! The girls are in a confined space with Katie Price. (Katie Price?! FREALZ?) Tanya CRIES. (Oh what a surprise), Stacey thinks that something is the worst experience of her WHOLE LIFE and Nicky Johnston makes them cry in an emotional photoshoot. Katie Price is a member of the Judging panel (cut to the Fonz on a jetski being launched over an aquatic creature)(SRS, WTF?!) and think that someone doesn’t meet the job description. Yes Katie Price, you know all about job descriptions. Yours is one page. It looks a bit like this.

1. Look like an actual crack whore would put you in the circle of shame in Heat magazine.
2. Have a camera follow you round everywhere
3. Say stuff

So obviously, she’s, like, well qualified to make that statement.

RUBBISH TITLES.

Ha, Amy’s bad smell face and Stacey’s Stepford hair. Ha! Hannah channelling the Snowdon.

Back at Model Manor, Imogen is telling us how nice it is to come home to a glass of champagne on a hard day, whilst Juste pops open a bottle. In a no way scripted segment, Imogen continues that it’s quite an achievement because they are ‘sort of’ halfway. So, you’re halfway then? I thought so.

MOVING ON.

Everyone is sat round a table. Juste toasts the final 7 beautiful girls. [I feel like the Axis would prefer to toast five of them in a more literal fashion. - Steve] The Magnificent Seven! Chips in Jessica. Go back to sleep, Jessica. The Axis are talking. Jade helpfully interviews that they started out with thirteen girls and now there are seven. YES SEVEN. WE GET IT. THERE ARE SEVEN GIRLS LEFT. NUMBER SEVEN.77777777777777777777777777777777777777777. Jade thinks the game is on now.

This thoughtful reverie is interrupted by an Elle Mail from the Tardis of Fierce. Jessica calls everyone downstairs which facilitates an arty shot of the girls all heading down the staircase. Juste is wearing pink tights and a dress that can’t be keeping her warm. Jessica reads the message.

“Girls, the competition is getting tougher by the day and tomorrow you have another big challenge ahead of you. Be brave, because tomorrow we are throwing you straight in the deep end. Love Elle.” The girls all pull their best intrigued faces. Imogen’s is best because she puts her hand on her hip and looks thoughtful. Closely followed by Anastasija who puts her head to the side. Juste is in third with an open mouthed gape.

Jade claps her hands at this, as if the meaning of the Elle mail is absolutely clear to her. It’s WATER! Shouts Imogen. This prompts Tanya to do a swear. Jade announces she can’t swim. Imogen gives her the side eye. Tanya says she’s ok with water as long as there’s nothing else in there. I SMELL DRAMA! Anastasija smiles at her like she’s placating a small child but you know what’s going on behind the eyes. Oh yes. The axis never sleep.

Jade confesses in the confession room that they just got an Elle mail about being thrown in at the deep end, which OBVIOUSLY means water. She can’t swim and she’s scared of deep water. Tanya interviews that she probably won’t be able to sleep tonight, but she’ll wait for tomorrow to “see what it be”. Tanya is now from the Deep South in the 40’s, it seems.

*shot of the fence outside the house to indicate the passage of time*

Everyone files out and on to the modelbus. Jade tells us in a voiceover that they all got taken to a posh hotel. Nobody was telling her what was going on. Jessica tells us exactly the same story, but adds that they went straight into hair and makeup. Imogen hammers the point home and tells us that the photoshoot is a mystery because someone normally greets them and tells them what is going on, and they never normally get their makeup done before they know what’s going on.

Cut to Juste explaining to Stacey what glitter is <3. She goes on to explain that they put something on top of it so she thinks it might be an underwater photoshoot. Cut to her partner in EEEVUL having a necklace rested on her hair.

“Like a Mermaid?!” asks Stacey “Underwater?!” Juste merely nods.

LONDON EYE! BOATS! LONDON AQUARIUM.

This is allegedly Jade’s worst nightmare realised. Really? You’d think that if you were having nightmares about being on a modelling competition and having to do a photoshoot in an aquarium that you wouldn’t enter the modelling competition in the first place... Non? She tells us that they walk into a room which contains Grace and the client just as we see them walk into a room with Grace and the client in it. She says she saw a tank with fish in it just as we.... you get the idea. She totally knows she’s going in there.

THERE’S SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON! Says Grace when they arrive. (It's Grace's v...[joke redacted] - Chris) Oh my sides. They are here today for their next photoshoot. NO, REALLY.

Tanya goes whiter as Grace introduces them to Lauren, who is their client. Lauren Westwood makes Westwood Rocks Jewellery and that’s what they’re going to be modelling. It’s made of pearls and coral and other sea gems so she wants them to be sea goddesses. I’m intrigued by what these other sea gems are. When I apply it to my own childhood experience I can only imagine that they are broken bits of Mad Dog 20/20 bottles and turds. (They should be reading a Sophie Kinsella with bits of burnt skin flaking off whilst eating a kebab - Chris) But we shall see.

Lauren tells them they are going into the tank. Grace spots a shark. The girls pretend not to be bothered. Tanya now looks like she’s made of Quark. Jessica says that there were some excited and nervous giggles, but she knew that Tanya was scared of water so she decided to have a look at her to see how she looks. Answer – NOT GOOD.

Grace explains that this probably won’t be like the Little Mermaid and won’t be all fun. I’m sure that someone will try to befriend a lobster... That’s what happens, isn’t it? [I'm just waiting for Grace to show us her collection of snarfblats. - Steve] Grace explains that this shoot is SRS BZNS and that there are some hazards in the tank. Tanya now looks like she’s been painted with Tipp-ex. Grace hands them over to the lady that works in the aquarium, Rachel Wicks, who will now tell them how fish work. Excellent.

She goes through the animals that are in the tank. There are turtles that aren’t dangerous so Rachel tells them not to worry about them. WORRY ABOUT THE SHARKS, interjects Grace with more than a hint of glee. There are sharks, says Rachel, who says they’ll be fine as long as they don’t make sudden movements or thrash around too much. Just as well they aren’t having to give lots of different poses... Oh.

If you would all like to consult your Tanya colour chart, you will now see that she’s gone into dawn snow colour.

Grace is jealous because she wants to go in. Go on Grace, I’m sure they’ll let you. Unless you are telling a massive porky that is. What it is about, says Grace, is Imogen, because she’s first.

Jade interviews that she was scared and upset, but it was ok because Tanya started to have a complete hairy baby about the whole thing so nobody noticed how scared she was. Jade used this opportunity to stay in the corner and focus.

Stacey is the one who catches Tanya’s hysteria fish on her rod. She goes over and asks if she’s ok. Tanya interviews that she wound herself up whilst waiting for her turn. When we see her in the studio she’s got the worst case of tear-blotch I’ve ever seen. She says that she was trying to calm down but it wasn’t working.

Cut to Imogen, who seems to be the closest thing to Joy mk 2 that we are going to get. She’s happy to go first because she can just get on with it and she dives in merrily. She says that she had to dunk her head under to test and there’s a bit of a speech about how someone said she wouldn’t be able to see and she actually couldn’t. Grace thinks she looks terrified. Imogen tells us that when things are underwater that aren’t supposed to be underwater they float to the top. [Tell that to the Titanic. - Steve] Who knew! Jessica thinks it doesn’t look easy whilst Grace and Lauren bemoan her mouth.

The rest of the girls are distracted by two turtles doing the nasty. In the water they’re just about to go into. Imogen comes out the water and tells the other girls that it was good, though harder than they think.

Stacey is next. Grace thinks she’s got a backbone of steel and thinks she’s going to be brilliant. Stacey remarks that deep water is deep. Helen has a bruise from all the facepalming. Stacey says that she can feel her heart beating but can only see light and blue and grey things. Grace thinks she’s repeating herself and her face is really odd. She’s Stacey, Grace. If you want surprises I think you need to look elsewhere. Stacey interviews that the poses weren’t really on her mind, it was more about getting out of the water, which was deep. She tells us that it was a scary experience with a big smile on her face. Once out the water, she interviews that it was freezing and scary. The worst experience of her life.

COMING UP! Tanya has a meltdown, the girls have to impress top model legend Nicky Johnston who is FURIOUS. Katie Price tells us that her underwater shoot was the “most hardest” thing she’s ever done in the tautology section.

ADVERTISING BREAK.

Back at the Aquarium it’s Anastasija’s turn. She says she had to have her dress loosened to make it float in the water but as soon as she gets in they have to pixelate her ‘area’. Grace doesn’t want to look at it. [Professional as ever - Chris] The diver actually gives her a swimsuit. She jumps right in and gives it fierce only to be upstaged by a stingray. She interviews that it was amazing and she’s really glad that she’s done it.

Jade next, she interviews that as it came up to her turn she got really nervous inside, placing the emphasis on the ‘inside’. Good girl. She wasn’t scared of the sealife, merely going into the water. She bobs her head under the water and finds it odd but manages to persevere. She spends quite a long time underwater in the first go, only to be told she’s not going low enough. Grace and Lauren think she’s wow, and despite her initial look of fear, she’s going for it. She then starts to show off, staying down for so long that the divers drag her up for fear she drowns. Grace thinks she’s nailed it, and she even looks more serene in that photo than in the others of her. She interviews that she wouldn’t want to do it again, but on reflection it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and she’s glad she’s done it. Attagirl.

Tanya next, who is now actually the colour of one of those washing powder tablets with flecks of blue in it. She interviews that it’s the worst shoot that someone could give her. She says that the sharks are bigger than she thought and she’s got a phobia of being bitten by them so she never even goes in the sea. Imogen sits by the tank practically rubbing her hands, saying she’s interested to see what Tanya is going to do. Grace asks her if she thinks she can do it. She mumbles that she can, but it’s unconvincing. Grace asks her if she wants to win. The yes she gives is even more unconvincing. She interviews that she climbed into the pool and the stingray touched her foot and she freaked out. Then a shark came past and finished her off. [Again, sadly not literally. - Steve] She really tried to put her head underwater, but in the end she just couldn’t do it so she made the difficult decision not to do the shoot. Cut to her crying in slo-mo over a Massive Attack soundtrack. The other girls catch on to this and gasp over their fat Cokes. They can’t believe it. Really? You’ve watched her freak out for the last hour about this and you can’t believe that she didn’t do it? Grace meets her at the top to tell her that she really should try to do it, because she knows what will happen if she doesn’t. [/berated and yelled and screamed at her in a way that should get her sued for inflicting emotional distress, on the best episode of Judge Judy ever - Chris] She says that she can’t and she doesn’t want to. She interviews that she was actually petrified and she would do anything else, but not that.

Jess next! She said that seeing Tanya sobbing on the way up made her nervous. The other girls think that she’s going to rock it, and she does. They applaud her. Grace and Lauren think she’s as good as Anastasija. Jessica interviews that it was harder than she thought, and she’s a bit nervous as to whether she got the shot.

Finally, Juste. She tells us helpfully that she’s the last one to do the underwater shoot. It’s apt that it’s underwater today, because they’re treating us like we have goldfish memories. Juste thinks she might be in trouble because she has to hold her nose to hold her breath. Grace tells Lauren that YOOOSTAY should be in the top three based on previous performances, even though her last few shots really weren’t that much cop. Lauren looks doubtful. Grace thinks she’ll be strong. Juste interviews that she was swallowing a lot of water and every time she went under she was ACTUALLY DROWNING. She floats to the top and splutters a bit. Lauren doesn’t think she stood out, Grace doesn’t think she relaxed enough. Juste interviews that her lungs and stomach were full of water. I think if your lungs are full of water, you’re dead, so Juste may be exaggerating a bit here. [Not in the Axis it doesn't - Chris] Juste tells the diver that she’s going to vomit from drinking too much water. She runs to the loo on her exit.

Imogen interviews that she and Anastasija were waiting for her at the top of the tank but she ran past, so obviously they follow her like good mates while she vomits. Juste quips that she’s had her two litres of water today. “YOU’RE SO FUNNY” deadpans Anastasija, because she’s apparently scared to death by Juste running to the loo with all her limbs.

Back to blotchy Tanya, who is really, really disappointed that she didn’t do it. She’s literally beating herself up about it. No, you’re not. You’re metaphorically beating yourself up about it. Cut to a shot presumably from earlier in the day with Anastasija, Stacey and Jade standing round having a bitch and Anastasija saying that if Tanya doesn’t do the shoot today, she’s probably out the competition. Mmm, Portentious. Stacey thinks the judges will save her. “Oh come on, is it fair?” scoffs Anastasija. It probably wouldn’t be, Bond Barbie, but since when is this about fair? The shot widens, and Imogen is there, stirring the pot. “If she stays, it’s a joke”.[Imogen has started to develop a real tendency for chatting shit, given that she's made it thus far on an overwhelming tide of consistently mediocre photos being enough this cycle - Chris]

Cut back to Tiny Tears, who interviews that when she told the girls that she couldn’t do it, Jess was the only one that gave her a hug. The rest of them are fake and she hopes none of them win cos they don’t deserve it. Putting in some team spirit to get some out there are we, Tanya?

Jessica is in the confession room saying that she hopes Tanya gets a chance to redeem herself.[Get on that cancer panacea Tanya - Chris] Imogen thinks that she should definitely go, and Anastasija feels that it’s time for Tanya to go home. Tanya says that she does hope Elle gives her another chance regardless of what the other girls think, cos they can just swear off. She’s in it to win it.

*Passage of time Eye*

Imogen tells us that they had a late night because of the photoshoot and when they woke up there was an Elle mail waiting for them. None of them seem to realise that this means that someone was creeping about downstairs whilst they slept, but they don’t dwell on it, so neither will I.

It’s Juste’s turn to read the Elle mail. “I think it’s time for a treat, meet me in one hour at London’s famous Savoy hotel. Dress up, love Elle”

Cue montage of girls getting ready, and a gratuitous shot of Britain’s number one reality TV star, the Savoy Hotel. The girls toast the final seven AGAIN. Jade says that everyone is nervous waiting for Elle to walk through the door, and then she does. She sashays in with her shades on and thanks them for inviting her to lunch. She remarks that they all look prim and proper and asks if it’s for her or the hotel. Nobody answers. Cut to Tanya’s empty plate. Not really invited to lunch then, are you Elle? Elle says that she thinks it would be nice to spend a bit of time with the girls. She says that if they win the competition, it will change their lives and wonders aloud who needs their life changing. Everyone raises their hand. Elle needs her life changing too, apparently. Elle says that this has changed her life. It is unclear about whether she means modelling, top model or the lunch. [I genuinely thought she meant BINT-MODEL at first and oh how I did laugh - Chris] She says that she could’ve repeated her mother’s mistakes, because she had her at sixteen. Cut to Tanya. She had three children on her own by the time she was 21 and Elle thinks that she could’ve stayed in Australia and done the same thing, but she didn’t. Jade looks like these are the wisest words she’s ever heard. Elle then decides to ask all the girls how modelling will change their lives, and the most emotional blackmail worthy ones will be broadcast.

Juste has come from Lithuania to create a new life for herself here. Juste confesses that she’s from a rich family and they lost everything when the crisis hit. She found herself in Britain living in a council flat and being on benefits and it changed her life view. [Juste: now officially the sort of person the Daily Mail has nightmares about. - Steve] She cries because she once had everything then had nothing. She now values friendship and dreams. She now realises stuff is worthless if you don’t have what’s inside. *Sings the Jesse J one that’s not about being a man dem*

Stacey’s turn to be manipulated. She says that her parents gave her lots of educational opportunities but she struggled to learn then she had a bad experience in high school, which included having her pants stolen. This affected her confidence. Elle asks if she wants people to know that she’s beautiful inside and out. She says that she knows that she’s beautiful because they took her on. Aww. The power of modelling. She now believes in herself after seeing her pictures that she’s beautiful and she wants to keep going. *sings Beautiful by Xtina*

Imogen’s turn to be poked. She says that everyone in their life has had something in their life that makes them want to change and do better. She wobbles that that is why she’s here. *sings Something Inside So Strong*

Elle says what’s wonderful about all of them is the willingness to step out of their comfort zones. Anastasija actually simpers. I’m disappointed. She likes that they’re willing to admit they’re afraid and that this is important to them and that it’s been nice talking to them.

Quick intermission whilst I go and write some fanfic about how this conversation would’ve gone in the last series. Sample:

Joy – “Yeah, I’ve had some shit happen, but I ain’t gonna go on about it *eyeroll*”

Alisha – “OMG IT’S BEEN SO HARD I WAS ON CRACK AND THEN I WAS A PROSSIE AND THEN I DUN FELL OVER AND THEN I WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A RABBIT AND THEN I DID DO A POO”

Tiffunuh – “Muh luf wus hurd thun I cume frum multa and wull bu brutuns nuxt top mudul”

That’s clearly better out of my system.

[What's that Tiffnuh? Not enough chips? = Chris]

After the break! Crying! Pressure! Boiling over! Tanya does a swear!

Adverts, gratuitous model manor shot.

The girls come home to find another man has been in their house. It’s Nicky Johnston, you know! The Scouse photographer who is always amazing. He introduces himself and says that the girls may recognise him from previous series of BNTM. Imogen nods knowingly, with a slight look of fear. Nicky says that the competition is heating up now they’re on the final 7, so the girls are going to be doing their most emotive shot ever, which will require them crying on camera whilst looking beautiful. Anastasija looks excited. Stacey looks like she has an epic case of the fear. For her, anyway. Look, she’s showing an emotion, ok? I can’t read them better than anyone else.

Nicky tells them to go off, get ready and think about it. For some reason they find this hilarious. Juste and Imogen gawp at the camera. Up in the bedroom, there’s another totally non-scripted moment going on with Stacey, Jessica and Tanya. Stacey asks Tanya if she thinks that if she does a really good photo now, the judges will give her another chance? Tanya hopes the judges will give her another chance because she did, literally, mess up. By not doing that shoot.

Cut to Tanya getting her photo done. Nicky asks what she’s thinking about. It’s her daughter. Nicky asks if she is the main thing that makes her sad. She says yes, and her pregnancy was traumatic so she’s extra special. Tanya thinks she did well because she managed to cry. Oh Tanya. She couldn’t stop crying afterwards so the tears must’ve been true.

Meanwhile, the Axis have no time for tears, so they sit and poke their own eyes to make it happen. Juste manages one and Anastasija cheers her on. Jade interviews that she found it hard to cry. Nicky makes encouraging noises, but complains that she dried up. Imogen does lots of crying faces, but manages to cry more on her way out so Nicky calls her back. This made him feel tight, but decides that this was the point of the exercise and it can’t be faked.

Jess is worried because she’s not an elegant crier. I don’t think anyone is outside of Hollywood, pet. She says she gets puffy, so it was difficult and hard to bring up the feelings. She was amazing though, and like every time Jessica is awesome lately it passes without note.

Meanwhile, at Axis headquarters, Anastasija and Juste hatch a plan to use onions to bring on tears. They’re both wearing an epic amount of mascara. “I’m going to cry so much!” shouts Juste with glee. They decide that it will be too much if they carry on so resolve to bring their onions with them for more tears as needed. I don’t think Nicky is going to be happy with that...Anastasija does a little piece to camera about how tears are tears and it doesn’t matter where they come from. Get these two a show. Now.

Stacey’s turn. She knows she didn’t do well because she couldn’t get her tears out and she didn’t pose because she was concentrating on crying. Nicky knows she’s got emotion in her, but HELLO, he didn’t see it.

Juste next. Nicky thinks it’s beautiful. She interviews that it was difficult to cry and be pretty at the same time. She’s got the shot and is Nicky’s favourite so far. Completing the Eastern European Axis of Awesome shots is Anastasija, who thinks it’s easy to cry when you hear a sad story, but hard to cry when someone is telling you to and taking your photo. No shit! Nicky thanks her and she leaves. She comes back up to the bedroom and proclaims that the onions didn’t work, she just had to think about her little brother who she hasn’t seen for a year then it was easy. Cut to Nicky rumbling her rubbing the onion under her eyes and calling her out to everyone. Nicky, who looks like he’s been sobbing himself, shouts that it was defeating the whole purpose of the shoot. [The point of the photoshoot apparently being to have made the girls look as shiteous as possible by making them cry til their face bloats up like Donald Trump's clammy wet feet - Chris] He’s FURIOUS. He then goes into a complete diva strop and puts his rage on them.

Some Londonporn as Fearne the pointless tells us that it’s elimination day. Cue a shot of Julien waving his arms around while a lackey carries his suit, and one of Charley carrying his own. Fearne tells us that the judges are extra busy backstage because it’s a double elimination. That doesn’t make sense on so many levels, but I’m not going to dwell.

Julien informs us that Katie Price will be on the Judging Panel today. Katie Price! Grace has her boobies out and says she’s terrified. We see Elle and Katie make awkward conversation and introductions. It’s more stilted than a parade. Elle lies that they’re excited to have her, Katie says that she’s going to try not to upset anyone, but she’s going to KEEP IT REAL.

Blah Judges. Katie Price is an Entrepreneur now. Who knew?

Elle informs the girls that it’s going to be a double elimination and that Katie Price is an entrepreneur.

Prizes!

Elle tells the girls what they’ve done this week and that the underwater shot is now infamous. Everyone is made to watch Katie Price’s underwater advert for her new show which JUST HAPPENS to be on the same channel as this. The purpose of this is to show them that they’re not the only ones that have done underwater shoots. Katie says that it was the most hardest thing she’s ever done because she had to worry about her hair, opening her eyes and pointing her toes.

Stacey is first, she’s soundtracked by Calvin Harris. Crying shot first. Elle says that the point of the shot was to interpret pain and sadness. Elle thinks she’s interpreting something. It’s not the above. Katie agrees with Elle, thinking that Stacey just looks a bit bored. Underwater shoot is better. Katie is jealous of her legs, Julien thinks her body looks fantastic, but emotions don’t come across on her face.

Tanya next. Her crying shot is first. Grace asks if they’re real tears because she’s smiling and there’s tears on it. Charley thinks she looks plain. Elle asks to see her underwater shot, but there isn’t one. Elle demands to know why. Tanya replies that she’s scared of sharks and she can’t open her eyes underwater. I think we all are, sweetie. Grace sees her point but makes the very good point that they’re not going to put her in a tank where she’s “at danger”. [Apart from the very real danger of putting someone with a phobia underwater with the thing she's phobic of. Not that Tanya's actually phobic so much as a dramalamadingdong, but whatever Grace, watch her have a panic attack underwater and tell her that it's safe - Chris] Katie says that models always come across jobs that they don’t like but you’ve just got to do it. I would say something here, but it would be far, far too easy. [Also, clearly your agency would check beforehand if you had issues with this sort of thing before sending you on the job in the first place, not that reality has any connection to this show. - Steve]

Jade’s turn. She’s asked how she found the crying shoot. She says that even though she’s sensitive, she found it a struggle. Her photo is beautiful though, Elle wants to kiss her. Katie thinks it’s gorgeous. The underwater shot is awesome. Charley commends her for doing so well even though she’s uncomfortable in water.

We move on to Anastasija. She’s Doctor Evil in her crying shot. Julien says that she’s a beautiful girl, but unfortunately, her beauty took over the sadness. The underwater shot is a bit pin up. Katie doesn’t think she’s floaty enough.

Jessica now! Crying shot isn’t Elle’s favourite, nor is it mine. Her underwater shot is EPICMAZING. Grace thinks she could be a Bond girl and her shot is outstanding. I agree.

Imogen’s turn. She puts on her glasses to the chagrin of the panel. How anyone sat next to anyone in hipster glasses can make such a comment is beyond me. She needs them! Her crying shot is rubbish, and it’s not working for Charley. Her underwater shot isn’t that good either. Elle thinks she looks lost and is being outperformed by a turtle. She calls her baby though, which totally makes up for it. Not. Yes it was a not joke, its part of my 90s revival. Deal with it. Julien thinks that she wasn’t close enough to the camera and it’s a shame because she’s come such a long way and it would be a shame for her to go home.

Juste arrives in her dressing gown. Charlie doesn’t believe the emotion, but loves the photo. Katie wants to stuff the brief because she looks like a supermodel. The underwater shot is Vile according to Katie because she looks big and butch. I’m surprised the world didn’t implode with the weight of the irony in that statement. Juste huffs off.

Coming up...Encouraging the bitching and two go home.

There now follows an advertising break in which I get extremely fired up that the Axis were not berated at panel for OnionGate. Tyra wouldn’t stand for this shit. I also realise we’ve got the photo part of the judging without an ad break. They heard us! [Now, if they could just to attend to the other 24 items on the List of Grievances... - Steve]

Elle says, and I’m going to put this in quotes because I want it verbatim, “So girls, as you know now the judges and I have the really difficult decision to understand which two girls will be leaving the competition”. Could they not have made her do that again? [Seriously, if the judges don't understand it, what chance do we have? - Steve] Anyway, Elle (the producers) is interested to know what the girls think. She wants to hear from Jessica who has the most and least potential. She’s a yay to Juste because she’s got the full package and a nay to Juste too because she’s the competition. [COP-OUT - Chris] She chooses Tanya next. She doesn’t think that anyone should go home. BUT YOU WOULD THINK THAT, WOULDN’T YOU TANYA? Jade thinks Tanya should go home because she’s a fraidy cat, Anastasija agrees that she should go because she’s an editorial girl who can’t do editorial photoshoots. Imogen, Stacey and Juste all agree, but Juste grasses her up to mum for being sweary and bitchy.

Backstage, Tanya tells Juste that she was well out of order for grassing her up to mum, and that she doesn’t even swear that much and if she’s quiet she’s not being off she’s just homesick. So there. Juste fires back by saying that she didn’t say she swore all the time. Anastasija stands beside her the whole time with a “Bring it” face on. Tanya hits back by calling her FAKE, because she was quiet at boot camp and now she’s loud and she should just try being true to herself, YEAH? Juste insists that she is being herself, Tanya says she isn’t and stomps off. Anastasija openly laughs at her. THIS IS THE STUFF WE WERE MISSING WHILST AUDITONS WERE GOING ON. I HOPE YOU’RE ALL PROUD OF YOURSELVES, TOP MODEL MAKERS.

Cut to Juste still trying to justify herself. We are all fake then! Shouts Anastasija, apart from her. Juste says it doesn’t even matter, because she’s allowed to say what she thinks.

Tanya takes herself off to cool down, so plainly a camera follows her and she interviews that Juste and Anastasija are the fake ones. She goes on to prove that she doesn’t swear all the time by talking in bleeps for 10 full seconds.

Back in the studio, we’re looking at the photos again.

Stacey – Katie wants her sacked because she didn’t fit the job description. Charley doesn’t like the face but the body is good. You like that, don’t you Charley?

Tanya – Elle thinks she started off great but hasn’t improved. Grace thinks that under performing +refusing to do a shoot = going home. That’s the normal maths.

Jade – Katie likes her, Julien thinks she looks fantastically beautiful and everyone loves everything.

Anastasija – Elle calls her the cheeky monkey. Katie thinks its Vile. No, it’s EVIL. The letters are in a slightly different order love. Katie thinks she wasted the shot.

Jessica – Julien thinks it’s definitely underwater love because she’s soft and convincing. The rubbish crying shot isn’t mentioned.

Imogen – Elle isn’t sure what to think. Julien thinks she might be just a plain Jane. Katie thinks she’s beautiful.

Juste – Katie thinks she’s stunning, Charley thinks that it’s impossible to take a bad photo of her. Is that excepting the rubbish ones she’s done so far? Julien would put her in his fashion show right now.

Elle congratulates them all on a good judging, but now its decision time.

Seven girls in front of Elle, but only five photographs in her hand.

First through and pic of the week goes to Jade for her underwater shot. Anastasija next. REALLY? Even with rubbish underwater shot and OnionGate? I DESPAIR. Jessica next, who’s shot is magical. Juste also escapes the chop, but only because of her body of work. [The power of the Axis is strong indeed. - Steve]

So, we’re left with Tanya, Imogen and Stacey. Elle knows it’s difficult, but she’s only got one photo in her hand. The girl with the most potential is...

*TENSION*

Imogen. [Does she bollocks - Chris]

Stacey crumbles as Elle kisses Imogen. Everyone is pleased to see her.

Tanya is proud to have got to the final seven and she feels privileged. She’s sorry she didn’t do the underwater shot but wouldn’t do it even if she had the chance again.

Stacey interviews that she thought she might be going home, but she hoped that she wasn’t. She’s learned a lot about herself and has never had lots of friends who were girls before. Oh Stacey. She’s going to try modelling again though. They pack their stuff into shopping bags and head off. After a double photo montage they are gone from the picture. Bye!

Coming up!

Surprises! Only four get to go where they are going! They show exactly which four that is! Olivia Palimero is a style icon – Who knew? Jade has a meltdown!

So that’s that. See you next week for more model based shenanigans.

Britain's Next Top T4 Presenter

Top 9: 22nd August 2011

Previously on BINT-MODEL : the birds played around with some birds (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!); Amy copped off with one of Charley's boys, which enraged Charley so he murdered the poor boy down a back-alley after the poor boy did a rousing rendition of "Oom-Pah-Pah" ; Anastasija and Tanya got into a cat-fight over whether Anastasija was in fact lower than dirt (Tanya thought "yes", Anastasija thought "no") ; Spoonface Hannah left the competition despite taking a not-awful picture. She was kind of boring though. Which is the main thing, especially after Queen Of My Heart Ufuoma was booted the week before FOR NO REASON.

Credits : I think BINT-MODEL is one of the few franchises not to update the credits post-makeover. You can kind of see why though. Also it'd be very difficult to get the exact quantity of '99 strawberry sauce in Anastasija's hair right for each passing episode.

As the xx yoink their strings mournfully over the soundtrack,[The xx should do more soundtrack work. WE CLEARLY DON'T HEAR THEM ENOUGH *cough* - Helen] we open on Amy interviewing that she was just in the Bottom 2 not one episode ago. Poor Amy. She promises that, despite this, she is not going to give up or cry. If she was doing that she'd have done it when Julien dumped the contents of a hoover-bag out, fashioned it into a weave, dumped it on Amy's head, and proclaimed her his GOBLIN QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEN. [She reminds me of the babe, etc. - Helen]

Screw that misery though, here are the happy parping trumpets of The Promise by Girls Aloud and...Emma Willis (woo...) is at the door of the BINTMansion. Imogen opens the door and gasps at the excitement. Jade tells us in interview that all the girls were "just chilling" in the front room when Emma Willis popped into their lives and changed everything forever. Of course the girls are "just chilling" as all girls "just chill" - wedged formally into the living room sofas with their shoes on, 5 to a couch, all facing towards a natural camera point. They have at least gone for the realism of the Axis being off in their own corner and Tanya stuck on her own off on the other side of the room. They sadly aren't "accidentally" throwing flumps at one another across the table.

Jade continues declaring her love for Emma Willis in interview ; Juste can't even get her name out without having to be cue-carded off camera. Either that or she's just not used to her being married to him out of Busted yet. Emma...Willis?

Anyway, Emma is here to tell the girls that these days, because of shows like this one, where clapped out old clothes-horses like Elle McPherson and Lisa Snowdon and Tyra Banks hunt for fresh blood (and organs) for the industry, models have to be tv-savvy, so they can jump off and be a tv presenter asap. And they're going to test that tv-savviness by making them remember a big list of bands they are allowed to like and not like. The ones they don't like they make hilarious ironic and cutting statements about. The ones they do like, they make hilarious ironic and cutting statements about, then give the lead-singer a surreptitious handjob in the Channel 4 car-park. AND NOW YOU'RE A T4 PRESENTER. BRING A BOATER AND AN IRONIC CRAVAT!

Not really, they're going to be interviewing The Wanted. Except they're not going to be told that now - they're just going to be teased with the idea that they'll be interrogating "famous people" and driven to a mystery location, on tenterhooks that it might be someone good that they're getting to talk to. Maybe JEDWARD! Tanya says that she's really nervous, but Anastasija is raring to go, and knocking back Red Bull at a rate of knots, saying she always wanted to know how she'd be as a tv presenter. To be honest, I'd watch Axis TV over T4 any day. ("Next up : Friends. That fat bitch Rachel and the blond moron do a fight over a Pottery Barn and shit. PLAY IT QUIET, I AM TRYING TO BE SLEEPING!")

Once at the mystery location (a recording studio, because, you know, The Wanted just can't TEAR themselves away), Emma introduces the mystery celebs...THE WANTED. The girls all cheer and clap, and the variously-shaped headed ones enter. This set-up I feel mimics just how much research goes into your typical T4 interview.

Personally, I don't mind The Wanted. I like a good variety of head-shapes in a boy band. Too many boy-bands think they can just get away with round heads, but these days, you really need to be bringing more variety to the table.

Anyway, Tanya says that it was only 2 months ago that she last heard a The Wanted record (*envy*) and now here they are in front of her! Amy on the other hand doesn't have a clue who they are. She thinks they're a band. Almost right, Amy. Emma meanwhile briefs the band on the girls mental state - some of them are excited, and some of them are nervous. Thanks Emma! At this noise, Triangle Wanted cackles that they're going to make those nerves so much worse, mwahahahaha! Yes, apparently The Wanted are going to act like unprofessional grumpy dick-heads throughout the interview, to really test the girls. It's not a knock specifically on The Wanted so much as all modern pop stars but...if he hadn't have told me, I wouldn't have guessed. Square Wanted tells the audience not to judge them on these interviews, because they're just being pretend-wankers for a tv show. Yeah, that'll stick.

Jessica is up first to be ushered into The Wanted's inner-sanctum, with Emma listening in from next door in giant headphones like she's in Bletchley Park in the 20s. Jessica goes for a handshake, but Trapezoid Wanted denies her. So she forces him. Amazing. She then says that she's heard that one of them used to be a model, so who was it? They all hilariously raise their hands, and collapse giggling. Eh, did you see the male models last week, boys? It's feasible. Jessica then dissolves into "either/or" questioning, starting strongly with "Chocolate or Vanilla?", then progressing to "Lemon or Cheese?" Chocolate and Lemon win, because Rectangle Wanted is allergic to cheese (MAYBE, OR MAYBE HE'S JUST BEING AWKWARD WHO KNOWS, WHAT A RUDE WANKER, MAYBE PRETENDING TO BE ALLERGIC TO CHEESE EH?). Sadly we never find out who takes the final down (GO LEMON!) because Jessica just walks off giggling.

I don't know what it says about me, but she was my favourite by a mile. I think it's the first time I've really liked her. LEMON OR CHEESE! [I can see Lemon Or Cheese? becoming a full-fledged Channel 5 gameshow in a matter of weeks. If they get Jessica in to host it, it'd probably be more watchable than BintModel. - Steve] The boys collapse laughing at how awful they all were, but Jessica just interviews to the effect of "boys eh?".

Tanya is next, and proclaims her hands to be going clammy. Oh the glamour. She's kind of dry - asking them standard "what would you be doing if you weren't in a band?" questions and looking a bit sad at the lack of witty banter she's getting back. Triangle Wanted would be a bin-man. Rectangle Wanted would be a model. The excitement. Imogen and Juste similarly screw up - asking a bunch of open-ended essay questions and getting "yes/no/I don't know" responses. How exciting. Why did they not use Janice for this challenge? Stacey is a giant mush-mouth and Holly just tries to cop off with The Wanted in lieu of interviewing them. I feel like Holly is just trying to work her obviously dwindling time on the show for whatever she can get out of it. As Holly and Juste walk out, both times Triangle Wanted basically wolf-whistles at their arses as they leave. Juste is very excited by this. We don't see Holly's response. I think she was aiming for Oval Wanted.

Amy is next, and opens the interview by calling them "The Wanting". Oooh BURN. Sadly this is just a slip of the tongue, not Amy being a secret sarcy agent on behalf of goth music. I don't think. She interviews again, that she has no idea who The Wanted are, and she shows this in the interview with themwhen, when faced with the question "do you like our music?" she replies "to be honest, I've not actually heard it" (*envy*). [And yet still manages to sound like less of a dick than any T4 presenter you'd care to name. - Steve] Oval Wanted looks pissed-off, Square Wanted looks baffled, Rectangle Wanted is pulling *awkward!* face, Triangle Wanted looks sympathetic yet annoyed, and Trapezoid Wanted looks like he's stifling giggles as hard as he can. I think Trapezoid Wanted is my favourite. Amy dries, and is finished.

Anastasija is next up, and just...turns the whole interview into an impromptu drama workshop. She gets the boys to do lunges, and pull a funny face. She tells them that these funny faces are really good for exercising your muscles , but I think she's just taking the piss. The signs of life this provokes in the boys (mostly in their trousers as she starts doing lunges in front of them) prompts Emma Willis to proclaim that she LOVES Anastasija. Well she thinks you're a fake push-pop bitch Emma Willis, so sit down.

Oval Wanted decides to stir the pot by asking Anastasija if any of the models are backstabbing bitches. She replies that yes, Tanya is a fake backstabbing bitch. Well, you have to admire her honesty if nothing else. Emma and The Wanted are both impressed with her candor, and Emma Willis in particular says she wishes her first interview had gone like that. Yes, all those repressed thoughts about Caroline Flack wouldn't have given her that ulcer then.

Jade is last, interviewing that she's not nervous at all, and she turns out to be fairly "charming" in a kind of flat and predictable way. You wouldn't really notice her if she was presenting anything you were watching, but, to be fair, it's not as though she's Zezi'ing it up either. [I love that "to Zezi" is now a verb in its own right. It's almost as good as when Katie Weasel developed the verb "to Beyoncé" on X Factor last year. - Steve] Emma is impressed. She would be. The Wanted cackle amongst themselves about how awful they were, but they think she handled them really well. Eh. It's was hardly Meg Ryan on Parkinson. [Or Kerry Katona on This Morning. Imagine if they'd got Katona in for this task. That would've been fun. - Steve]

Challenge Results time, and Emma Willis calls The Wanted in to see the girls, so they can announce for the fiftieth time this episode that that was all JUST PRETEND. Ugh, nobody cares. So needy. Own your bitch-ass-ness The Wanted. Imogen (really? over Lemon or Cheese?) and Jade are told by Emma that they were really good and really natural, but the winner is...Anastasija! She does get chided for cussing out Tanya, and told that if that happened in a real interview, it'd be all over the tabloids, displacing all the stories about The Wanted that she would otherwise have created, THUS DEFEATING THE POINT OF THE INTERVIEW. Oh jog on would it Emma Willis. Tanya whines in an interview about Anastasija bringing up their mutual loathing to The Wanted. Yes Tanya, that was much more cringeworthy than whatever line of insipid "what inspires you?" questioning you were spewing out. Tanya also doesn't clap as Anastasija is announced as the winner. Jesus wept.

The prize is to go on an evening out with the last three winners of BINT-MODEL. Anastasija opens her jaw wide enough to fit in all of The Wanted at once, and Jade looks moritifed. OK... I've only watched the last series, so were the two winners before that Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss? (*looks up on wikipedia*). Yeah, turns out not. Still, I'm excited to see TIFFNUH again. Anastasija is told she's allowed to bring two friends along, as long as they behave. Hmmm...I wonder who she'll pick. Yes it's Juste. Oh and Stacey, on the grounds that she lost her friend in the last elimination. Hannah and Stacey were friends? Imagine the thrilling conversations!

Jade and Tanya both call Anastasija unprofessional in interview some more, like this is a massive thing they've just noticed now. Blah blah blah. Anastasija calls them jealous. Well, not specifically, because she isn't being shown their interviews. She could be talking about anyone else, at any time, about anything. JELUS BIT-CHEZ!

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After another dose of Martine McCutcheon's Boring Yoghurt, we return to see the Axis + Stacey (I hope they make her do a bad Slovak accent and make her ONE OF THEM) getting ready for their big night out. Jade and Jessica remind us in interview what the prize was, and Jessica says that they're all jealous, because anybody would be really excited to win this glittering prize. Erm...I wouldn't. Actually that's a lie, but only for TIFFNUH. Anastasija continues to laugh it up in interview about how everyone else is a JELL-US BITCH, whilst Imogen...it looks like Imogen has been crying a little over this missed opportunity to talk to (*looks it up*) Mecia. [Shoulda been Jade. Not that I'm bitter or anything. I'm very bitter, actually. There's a rant here that I'm not going to get into - Helen]

Anyway, evening out time, as the Mutyabators (as they have been now forcibly and legally renamed) sing "Here Come The Girls!". Juste and Anastasija forcefully stomp into the club in their best casual attire, and Stacey bobbles along meekly in their wake like an anorexic tugboat ghost. Juste tells us all the the last three winners of BINT-MODEL are called Alex, Mecia, and TIFFNUH, and indeed, those three women are sat by the bar waiting for them. They all toast with champagne. Sadly, the Axis do not say "TO EVIL!" *clink* as they do so.

Alex talks to Juste, and asks her if she's enjoying herself. Juste says yes. There is a small group of bitchy nasty girls who sit in the corner and gossip behind their hands, but she and Anastasija still enjoy themselves. Erm...Juste, that IS you and Anastasija. Stacey meanwhile sits there clasping and looking like a 12 year old girl at her first school prizegiving. Then TIFFNUH speaks:

TIFFNUH : DUH YUH THINK THUH UTHUH GIUHRLS UHR JELLUS OF YUH BEUNG HUH TONUGHT?!

Anastasija : Yes Tiffany, I like chips too! Not too many though ho ho! A girl has to watch her figure!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Amy and Jessica bake cakes, and wonder aloud if Anastasija will share any of the tips she "garners" (bless Jessica and her actual existing vocabulary) from their meeting with Alex, Mecia and TIFFNUH. I'm guessing not. The cakes look rank as well.

Back in Glamour Bar, Juste asks all three girls what the biggest thing they achieved as a model was. Ha! Even when she's in the company of this pantheon of legends, Juste can't help being a bitch. Your careers are OVER winners. Especially in the face of the Axis. Alex says that she modelled clothes for Victoria Beckham, and Mecia says...that it's really important to make contacts.

So she's done nothing then.

TIFFNUH : JIMMUH CHUH HUHS CONTACTUHD MUH UND UH DID THE HUHR ADVUHTS FUH GLUHH!

Juste : An Oscar?! WOW! AND you're married to George Clooney!

Stacey asks all three how they coped in the house, and if they ever found it difficult to the extent that they would just sit in the corner just hoping nobody would notice them and cry and cry and cry and cry... Alex tells them all not to be fake and just to be themselves, Mecia says to keep practicing and they will succeed.

TIFFNUH : UH FUHND IT RUHLUH STRESSFUHL. THUH BUHST THING TUH DUH IS JUST TO TRUH TUH ENJUH UHT!

Stacey : What? I'm the winner of Britain And Ireland And The Isle Of Man And The Channel Islands And Those Fiddly Bits Around Scotland And Probably...Oooh I Don't Know Argentina's Next Top Model?! WHAT A WAY TO ANNOUNCE IT! I want to thank my mum, my PE teacher, my poor dead friend Spoonface Hannah, God...

Anyway, feedback time. Juste really enjoyed the whole night, TUFFNUH thinks that all 3 contestant-girls have lots of potential, Mecia says that Anastasija certainly had a lot to say, and Alex proclaims Juste to be her favourite for her look, and Anastasija for her personality. Nobody cares about Stacey. (*surprise*).

This exciting prize over with, the Axis + Tagalong Stace return back to find...all the girls in bed? Anastasija is appalled that anybody would go to bed at only 10pm. This is...not really what she was saying last week. Juste snots "early evening?" at them all as she walks in. I love that the Axis are acting like everyone else is the loser when they're returning from a night out before Newsnight has even started. Imogen interviews that Juste and Anastasija were really "quiet" when they returned, which it turns out is a really diplomatic way of saying "they hung around pulling smug faces until we asked them how it went, then they swanned off giggling to eat the cakes we spent the evening baking". Anastasija compounds this by interviewing that the girls were STUPID for thinking she would ever tell them all the modelling secrets they learned from TIFFNUH. Anastasija, Juste, and The Other One are keeping the secret of DUH YUH HUHR NUHCE! to themselves thank you very much. [<3 TUFFNUH. - Steve]

Next day now, and dawn heralds the arrival of a brand new E-Mail. Stacey reads it out, and it's some bumf about needing grace and beauty and being able to stay on your toes. Does anyone actually listen to the E-Mails? As soon as it's done, the BINT-MODEL hair and make up crew swoop in to give Anastasija's hair another top up of unnatural colour, and to do minor upkeep on everyone else to prepare them for the shoot. Imogen grunts to a make-up technician that she really needs a good picture this week. Preferably the best one, after that one last week where her cheeks looked like the aftermath of a pit-prop collapse.

Holly interviews that she thinks the theme for this week's shoot may well be Black Swan related, because of all the heavy make-up (and yeah...it's heavy. Make-up guns set to KILL). Also, all the paintings on the wall of the BINTMansion started to come to life, but that might just have been because Juste made coffee for all the non-Axis girls this morning. Hey floor, you're looking closer than usu...

Furthering Holly's suspicions, the girls are magically teleported to the Royal Opera House, where they do all the ballet. I wish this week's theme had turned out to be "Go Compare advert". All the girls file in, and Tanya announces that she's never been to the opera ever (*face of surprise*) but it's really beautiful in the Opera House. As the girls all take their seats, the true horror of Jade's hair is revealed. It looks like a Zombie Twiggy Hallowe'en wig. How is this meant to be a ballerina? Anyway...

Once the girls are seated, a male ballet dancer takes to the stage and starts "busting some moves" (thanks Jade). All the girls, particularly Juste who apparently "can't touch her toes" (except for Anastasija), are in awe at the shapes what he is throwing. Once done, he introduces himself as Edward Watson - Principal Dancer for the royal ballet, who dresses to the right. Well, I added that last bit for myself. Stacey's hideous hair-do is revealed at this bit. She looks like Toilet-Dunk Barbie.

Edward tells the girls that they're going to be posing in a ballet themed photoshoot with either him, or another principal dancer called Federico Bonelli. They will be using their bodies to encapsulate the elegance and grace required to be a ballet dancer. Yeah...good luck with that. He dispatches them to get into costume, as Amy grizzles in interview that looking beautiful is not her strongest suit. Which, given that she's made Top 9, has apparently not hindered her on this modelling show.

Stacey is first on set, and she gushes that her costume makes her feel like a white swan. Edward introduces her to the photographer, and talks Stacey through the shoot. To be honest, whilst I don't want the show to turn into the US version, where the girls can't take a dump without Mr J popping up to remind them to smize as they pull the chain, I don't think ballet dancers should be running a photoshoot over...even Grace. EVEN GRACE.

Anyway, things go well for Stacey, and the photographer tells her she looks beautiful. Hooray. I guess. To be honest, I don't know who I really want to win.

Jessica is up next, with Federico. I don't like how ballet-outfits for men seem to want to slice directly through the nipple. It's not aesthetically pleasing as much as anything else. Anyway, Jessica is worried that she's too heavy for Federico to hold up successfully, like ballet dancers aren't the REAL World's Strongest Men (take THAT Geoff Capes) and stumbles around utterly gracelessly. She jumps around stumpily, but the photographer seems ok with the whole thing, although she does think Jessica could have relaxed more. Jessica interviews that she think it went ok, but she did feel herself going blank.

Next up is Tanya, saying that she's never ever done ballet (* face of surprise*), so she was very nervous. Whatever Tanya, you're the only girl who walks around with this quantity of eye-liner on EVERY DAY, so it all balances out. The photographer loves her though. I think this photographer might have a lot to answer for, quality-control wise. She asks Tanya to twirl. Tanya twirls. It's not the best. She interviews that all the spinning made her dizzy. That and Juste's coffee anyway. Edward asks if she's feeling ok, and tells the photographer he was super-impressed with her natural ballet instincts. QUICK! SIGN HER UP FOR THE CORPS!

Amy's next, and already she's begging the other girls for tips. Particularly Jessica which...I wouldn't. Anyway, Jessica tries to teach Amy how to be graceful. Think on that one. Imogen and Holly don't just think on it though - they openly laugh in Amy's face. This causes Amy to...cry and give up. Oh opening VT Amy, how you lied. Imogen and Jade have a good bitch about how Amy is miserable and uncomfortable and crap and should just go home. Poor Amy. She then stomps into the photoshoot room looking like Noel Fielding as Kate Bush and does about as well as you'd expect. She's tense and moody and stilted. Even the super-happy photographer is a little pissy with her. And she likes EVERYONE. Once done, she grumps backstage, says it was really hard, then cries and gives up some more, as Jessica watches on, looking like this has happened too many times for her to remain interested in it beyond just looking at it.

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As we finish pondering just how classy and sensitive "Ladyboys" is going to be as a documentary, we return in medias Imogen, as she deadpans that she really thinks that you should just go into every shoot really excited and positive. Yeah do that next week when they try and do an underwater shoot on a Living TV budget. HAPPY DROWNING! The photographer tries to get her to jump, but it looks like someone doing the Thriller dance on a pogo stick. Of course this photographer is happy with it aside from Imogen's lack of facial expressions because...she just is, ok?

Juste is next, complaining about how she can't be expected to do well, because she's really unflexible and not very fit. I'm sure Tanya will give you a hand with bending yourself into whatever shapes you need Juste. And some you don't. With a steering-lock. The photographer asks her if she's ever done any dancing before, and Juste says she tried, but they kicked her out. Well if you WILL set fire to things Juste... The photographer again, seems fine with everything, even as Juste seems on the verge of coughing up a lung from about 4 minutes in.

Anyway, Juste walks back from the shoot, says hello, doesn't get the rapturous response she expects (because she's done so much to warrant one), and then throws a massive passive-aggressive strop about how no-one's paying any attention to her. She closes by glomping onto Anastasija and bugging her as her make-up is being attended to. Anastasija suffers in silence, for the sake of the Axis.

She's next up in the photoshoot, and the photographer directs her critically. Well...a bit. She tells her to stop smiling so much. But it's enough. Anastasija panics that all her hair is going in her face, and her leaps look a bit stumbly and awkward but otherwise it seems to go fine. Federico I think also dresses to the right. Two of them in one place. So rare. Once she's done, Anastasija says this was the hardest photo-shoot (WHAT? HARDER THAN DRINKING TEA?) and she thinks she did everything wrong. That photographer IS a hard task-master for sure.

Next up is Holly. Oh...is she still here? I swear she'd already gone home. Anyway, Holly tells us that she did ballet when she was 5, and she can't really remember any of it. She really can't. Jade follows, and the photographer says that she LOVED Jade's dress. OK, that is the absolute limit. It looks like something the third backing dancer in a University production of Cabaret would wear. She asks Jade if she feel comfortable jumping in it, and Jade says that as long as they retouch the photos she'll be fine. Oh Jade, they only do that if they like y...oh wait. They do like Jade. Never mind. Anyway, she bounces up and down and her boobs fall out all over the place. Nobody says anything. You'd think they would.

Jade finishes, and goes backstage. People ask how she did, and she recounts the saga of her boobs, and how she'd come down from a leap to look down and find one "out there, just chillin'". Ok, that was funny. Stay frosty, Jade's boobs.

Shoot over, it's back to BINTMansion for dinner. As everyone tucks into nachos and Red Bull, Juste and Anastasija decide that now is the time to deal with just how unfair everyone has been to them since Anastasija won the challenge to meet TIFFNUH. Anastasija asks everyone why won't they talk to her? Why are they freezing she and Juste out? Are they in fact jealous bitches? Imogen replies that it's Anastasija and Juste shutting themselves off in their bunker, not the other way round, and Amy agrees. Juste huffs and recounts the HORROR of when she finished her photoshoot and said "HI GIRLS!" and nobody responded! We get a flashback so we can relive the atrocity in full nauseating colour. Anastasija nods at the side like a Pekinese, as Holly shovels more nachos into her gob, so over this dumb show.

Jessica says that she never even realised that Juste said anything to be blanked, and Jade decides to take the lead by pointing out that Anastasija used to be really fun, way back in this mystical time when she shared a room with Tanya and they had Chubby Bunny parties and whatever, but now she's CHANGED and just sits around bitching with Juste. What happened Anastasija, you used to be cool! Why aren't you cool any more? Anastasija protests that she is still cool and Holly lies that nobody has a problem with the Axis and mumbles more somethings about nothing. I think she's verging on pretending she's got some kids she misses so she can quit. In interview, Juste and Anatasija outline for the zillionth time about how they are amazing and everyone else sucks.

It's so sad that THIS is the only thing keeping the show interesting. THIS.

Another E-Mail now and Imogen reads it out. It mentions pirouetting out of the competition. Woo. Everyone packs up their big dumb suitcases, and Imogen interviews that she thinks Amy should go home, because everyone else, including her, wants it more. I don't think Holly does. Amy herself worries that all her shots were crap and she thinks the judges will slate her. Anastasija says she's not worried, because she won the interviewing challenge. Holly looks around for a pistol so she can shoot herself in the shin and desert.

Judging time (or "Judgment Day" as Fearne Rotton calls it in voiceover) now, and once more we get to see all the work that goes into making Grace Woodward presen...more presentable. Charley joshes with Julien about how he's much better looking than Julien is, whilst Grace pores over this week's photos. As does Julien. He thinks they're all rubbish. Hooray. This week's Special Guest Judge is famous designer Henry Holland. He looks like Jedward's dad as the lead in Postman Pat : The Musical. You are so lucky that Steve isn't recapping this week, because if he were, it'd be nothing but swears from here til the end. [I did try to look on the bright side. Just imagine what a pottymouth I'd have been if it was "Agyness Deyn". - Steve]

Intros done, Elle welcomes them all to her chamber, and reminds them that this week they were interviewers and they hit the dancefloor. WOAH Elle, that almost sounds like something interesting happened, slow down. She then runs us through all those many prizes again. Sadly "Mecia's contacts" aren't on the list, so I don't know how they expect any winner of this show to survive. To be fair, I wouldn't begrudge anyone not wanting to rummage around in the bottom of the bin for that fag-packet. It's probably got ketchup on it.

Juste starts, and they flash her picture up. It's crap. She looks like a failed concept for a Sam Sparro video. She at least pre-empts the judgement by acknowledging she looks rubbish. Julien tells her that unfortunately the combination of the theme, her body, and the new hairstyle...whoever it was gave her (sorry, I only remember the makeovers Julien did. Don't pretend you'd do any better) have all combined to make her looks like a boy in a dress. Elle and Henry on the other hand think it looks beautiful, especially her body. She does NOT look like a drag queen. High praise indeed. Actually, for this week, it is.

Jessica is next, and we relive "Lemon or Cheese?", the new craze sweeping the nation. Everyone acts like this is some sort of massive embarrassment, and not the amazingness that it is. They than flash her picture up. It's crap. She's got less man-face than last week, but she's gone cross-eyed, and she's not so much a ballerina as a municipal park flasher. Everyone jizzes themselves silly over it anyway, because it's Jessica.

Tanya's picture is next. It's crap. It looks like her face is being pushed into an invisible wall, and her facial expression reads pure "donate to the NSPCC and stop this girl's daddy touching her". Grace tells her that she's no Dancing Queen, and that her arm is perfect (?), but the rest just falls apart. Edward's arse is ridiculous.

Sorry, but I'm taking what I'm getting this week.

Next up is Jade. We relive her dull-as-dust interview. Her picture is beyond crap and out the other side. She looks like a dog. Which I mean literally, as opposed to figuratively. Her hair's in a little poodle pompodour and her lower lip is jutting out like a lapdog's and her eyes read "WAWWS SOSSIGIZ!". It doesn't help that Federico's looking at her like he thought she might be attractive from behind, but now he's seen up front... Julien calls it boring, and Henry tells her she looks uncomfortable. I'll say.

Imogen's picture is next. It's crap. She's mid-air and yet still looks like she's been run over by a Macc Truck. Also, her nipples covered up are more distracting than Jade's were on display. Elle picks on her body positioning in her upper half, which is really picking at the turd cherry on top of the dog-poo cake. Julien has apparently decided that he hates Imogen, as Julien does, and tells her she's plain in person, and barely scrapes by in photos. TOP 7 EVERYONE!

Holly follows, and I almost want to throw a party for how over it she is. Elle tells her that every week she turns up looking bored out of her mind. Holly does not refute this, and in fact tries her damndest to look even more bored. This works a treat, as Julien leaps out of his seat, capers towards her like a leprechaun, grabs at her arse and hair (?!), screams "SHAKE IT ABOUT! YOU'RE A TOP MODEL!...YOU KNOW!...COME ON!". This actually happened, and as far as I'm aware, there was no lawsuit. Holly continues to look as bored as possibly, although even she can't resist cracking a smile at this lunacy. They show her picture. It's crap. No, honestly. Stick your arm in the air. That's Holly's picture. Grace asks where the personality is, and Henry congratulates her on her double chin and Betty Driver face. Holly looks like she can barely remember to breathe.

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After we finish wondering if Earth ever birthed two wankers as wanky as "Emma" and "Dex" from One Day, we're back into the judging with Amy's interview. It's crap. Next up is Amy's picture. It's also crap. It looks like Edward just spat in her face and she's feeling the cold unpleasant wet sensation of his dribble running down the gap between her boobs. Charley says it's frighteningly bad, Henry tells her there's no life in it, and Julien tells Amy that he's FED UP of always sticking up for her in these panels, then coming back next week to an even worse picture. They are on a break! (Axis TV : "This week the ugly one and Fat Rachel have fight over how the ugly one fuck some photocopier in the ass. Like that ever happen").

Anastasija is next to be judged. They play her challenge-winning interview, and everyone has a good giggle at how charming and likable she was. They then put her picture up. It's...not crap? It's a bit "Emma Bunton as Poltergeist in the Too Much video", but for this week I'll take it. The judges all agree that Anastasija is clearly the best in show this week, as the other girls seethe. Axis forever!

Stacey rounds out the judging session with her photo. It's crap. It looks like the entirety of the right side of her face is melting off, and she's crossing her legs like she needs a wee. Julien says that her top half is fine, but her legs are awful and she's made the dress look like a blob. Henry Holland says "there's no life" for about the fortieth time. Elle finishes by telling her that her personality sucks, and that she doesn't really stand out from the crowd. But...her photos are nice. she guesses.

Deliberation time now, but not before Elle tells everyone that this week is a Double Elimination week. Somehow that still doesn't feel like enough. MORE ELLE! KILL MORE OF THEM! Backstage, Amy, Jade and Holly all agree that their photos sucked. Holly looks kind of pleased with this turn of events. Anyway... DELIBERATIONS!

Juste : Henry likes it, Julien thinks she's not versatile enough, Elle thinks she's versatile but too lazy to really show it, Charley thinks she's "really wide", but has to stay based on this shot.

Tanya : Charley thinks she's had better shots but was out of her comfort zone, Grace thinks she's too stiff, and Henry says she's not a model and he wouldn't book her.

Jessica : Everyone agrees it's an amazing picture, just like Jessica does every week, in some version of the show I apparently don't watch, but Henry thinks she's disappointing in person. Isn't this...the exact opposite of her week 1 storyline? To be fair, I only remember that because I recapped it, so I can't imagine anyone else would.

Jade : Everyone breaks down laughing at how awful it is

Imogen : Grace calls her a man in drag, Elle disagrees, Henry thinks she looks like a middle-aged librarian, and Julien says that she's really boring. Why not grab her tit and tell her SHE'S ALIVE Julien? That should sort it. Charley thinks there are worse girls still in the competition.

Holly : Charley takes a leaf from my crit book and calls her crap, Elle says she wants to be on a shoot with her to get her energised (nah Elle, just let a frogman run the next shoot, it'll be FINE), Julien points out that The Wanted all wanted to do her, but Henry points out that being actually sexually attractive to men is nothing to do with being a model.

Amy : Grace calls her the Corpse Bride, Julien says she has a pirate arm, Elle questions how much more she can do on the show.

Anastasija : Julien praises her professionalism (?!?!?!) and says she always carries herself like a model, Charley is still stuck on how she only has one facial expression.

Stacey : Elle thinks she has a gorgeous face but no personality, Grace suddenly has decided she doesn't care about personality any more, Henry says that she looks dull in photos as well as in person.

ELIMINATION TIME! Good luck doing a call-out order this week beyond putting Anastasija first. Anyway, call-out order ends up being :

Anastasija

Jessica

Juste

Imogen

Stacey

Tanya

Leaving our bottom 3 as Amy, Holly and Jade. Well this is an anti-climax. Like they're letting Jade go anywhere. They probably only sandbagged her like they did on that shoot to make her inevitable victory less deadeningly predictable (NB : I thought the same about Charlotte last series, pay no attention to me). And indeed, Jade is safe.

Holly doesn't look like she really cares but Amy...cries and gives up. And cries a LOT, so her mascara flees all over her face like an inky spider-web. At least she went out witchy I guess. I wish she'd survived til next week's underwater shoot, just to see if she really would have floated. Holly interviews about how this was the greatest experience she's ever had, she's so proud to have got so far, this isn't the last you've heard of Holly blah blah blah CAN SHE GO NOW?

I know how she feels.

Next week : DROWNING!