The Ballad of Tania Roxanna Federenco

Auditions week 3 - 18th July 2011

Hello, and welcome to what is blessedly the final episode of auditions. Much has been said of the pointlessness of these, but it bears repeating. We are going to have no Susan Boyle style slamming of preconceptions here. We are not going to marvel as the shy girl opens her mouth and begins to sing like an angel. The most you could hope for is a Hollywood style taking off of glasses and tousling of hair to reveal a fashion goddess underneath a geeky facade, but you can pretty much tell if someone is going to be good at being a model in under five seconds.

But this is the format now, I hope they get all of my angry tweets about how much I don’t like it, but seeing as I can’t resist hashtagging them as #bintmodel rather than the official one, I don’t think they’re going to see. No, I have to console myself with trolling their Facebook page and shouting at my television. SRS though, if any Bintmodel honchos are reading this I have one thing to say.

NO.

If the protracted audition shows weren’t enough, you have to invoke FEARNE BLOODY COTTON on me. Why? Why would you do this to me? This is my SAFE PLACE. This is where I hide from Fearne. You inflicted MIQUITA BLOODY OLIVER on me for an episode last year and I didn’t complain. I know you need celebrity guests, I understand that. But why give me that bloody foghorn voiced Terrahawk honking all over my Model Monday? Don’t want it. NO.

But that’s enough ranting from me. We need to get down to business, however pointless that business may be.

Blah blah credits, blah blah Fearne, blah blah Elle is awesome, blah blah judges, blah blah prizes, blah blah Tuffunuh, blah blah on the road, blah blah there can be only one.

Today we are in the Dublin, WHICH IS THE CAPITAL OF IRELAND, Fearne helpfully tells us. We are also in Manchester, which Fearne explains is one of the culture capitals of England. THANKS FEARNE, WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YOU. Answer – A LOT HAPPIER.

Elle is going to meet up with Ronan Keating and his wife. Apparently, Ronan is going to tell them where to go street casting. Hmm, the unfortunate implication of asking Ronan where to look for girls in front of his wife.

MOVING ON.

There are thousands of girls wanting to be a bintmodel, and apparently there’s nothing they won’t do to be notice. Cue montage of screaming, backflips and being bendy to “What’s that coming over the hill, is it a monster?” Unfortunate implications ahoy. Elle asks someone to smile with their eyes and apparently there’s going to be someone who won’t take no for an answer. This is gonna be FUN.

Someone’s crying, someone is powerful because everyone looks at her when she walks into the room. Fearne tells us there is excitement in the air.

A girl says that to win would be a dream come true, someone else is nervous, but happy to be here because it’s what she wants. We see the judges arrive. Fearne tells us the judges arrive. Elle is wearing a Muppet and pretends to want to know how everyone’s weekends were. She informs them that they are in DUBLIN. It’s bleak, melancholic and beautiful outside allegedly, but she’s wearing her sunglasses indoors so I don’t really want to listen to her. In a not at all scripted observation, she hopes that the girls bring some sunshine into her day. Julien wants to see some country girls. He explains that this means girls that live in the country. Grace stares into middle distance whilst Charley repeats every second word that Julien says. “Salt of the earth girls” Elle agrees. At the sound of Elle’s voice, Grace perks up again and nods. “Sexy farmer’s daughters” says Julien, and the entire coven cackles.

We see the judges walk into a conference room and say good morning to the camera crew. Fearne tells us that the girls are waiting outside as we see them waiting outside. (Are you getting the point that nearly all of her voiceover is pointless yet? I won’t rest until you do.)

A spotty girl interviews that she has a natural look. You said it pet. She says she wants to produce pictures that people will remember for the rest of their lives. (If they involve another girl and a cup she's got a chance. Otherwise... - Chris) A girl with ridiculous earrings says that whenever she walks into the room, people think she’s a model because she stands out.

“Bring them on!” shouts Elle. Here we go.

“Can you do anything extraordinary?” Asks Grace “and if you can, can you, like, break it out, right now?”

These girls have obviously been grouped together for their special talents, which include putting their arms behind their backs, bending over backwards and doing a twirl.

Grace asks one girl if she’s a chatterbox. She says she doesn’t think she does, then talks solidly for one whole minute without taking a breath. Julien asks the next one who inspires her. She says Kate Moss. She thinks she’s amazing and wants to be like her one day. I think we all aspire to being a haggard boozehound one day too. [Apart from those of us who've already achieved that, obviously. - Steve] Julien asks her if she thinks she has the figure to be a model. He’s such a bitch. She surprises the judges by immediately answering in the negative. Grace just says thank you to this. Way to sell yourself, lady.

Next is a girl who knows that when she walks into the room that people look at her, and she knows that gives her the power. Sure love, unless you are a covert hypnotist or you’re packing heat I don’t think that’s true.

Grace asks her to surprise the judges by showing them their best catwalk. I have to admire the stealth bitchiness of that remark. In fact, I’m going to put a hat on just so I can take my hat off to it. Grace then follows up this moment of awesome by doing a face of patronising throughout the whole thing. Grace asks them to step out. Earrings thinks that the other girls were more comfortable talking to the judges. Room of power said that she talked and talked and the judges lapped it up. Back to the judges, Julien says that they all had LOVELY PERSONALITIES. Oh dear.

They file back in, Grace says that “despite all of you being gorgeous...” which causes spotty to burst into tears about how much she WANTS THIS. Grace finishes by saying none of them are going through. Elle says she hates it when they cry. Earrings tells spotty that there’s always next year, and Room of Power is OK, because she just came to try out. She sits with her uncomfortable looking boyfriend and says that it wasn’t meant to be. She’s lying.

In more pointless voiceover, Fearne tells us that although there’s been no success for the first group, there is no shortage of wannabe models in Ireland. This is illustrated to us by showing us lots of girls standing in a line throwing poses (I said “throwing”, deal with it) and pouting at the camera.

Next up in front of the judges are girls WITH NAMES so we better pay attention. There’s 19 year old Joanne from County Wicklow, and 19 year old Izzy, from Belfast. Izzy interviews that she’s beautiful inside and out, and she has the personality to go with the looks. Joanne interviews that she wants the judges to see that she’s lots of fun and that she’s going to work hard, because she wants to be known as a good model and not a messer, whatever that is. Fearne informs us that joining Izzy and Joanne are best friends Niamh and Rebecca. FRIEND TENSION. I love it.

Elle counts them, 1-4. Well done Elle! Charley asks if they’ve thought about modelling before. Er, Charley, they’re here. Please stop thinking and go back to being pretty and making vaguely creepy sexual remarks, k? Joanne replies that she actually is a model, and she mainly does catwalk stuff. Elle calls her a gorgeous baby face. Grace asks the best friends if they are best friends. Elle suggests a walk off. “Such different looking girls from the same town” says Grace. Charley agrees. Yes, you two. That’s how it works in Ireland. Everyone is grouped geographically by how they look. It’s what inspired the Boyzone hit, “The only Blonde Girl in Cork” (I made the Boyzone bit up). Elle asks Izzy to Smile with their eyes. They all crow that that’s the Tyra thing. The CARDS. Elle can’t believe she said that and helpfully explains to Izzy that that is a “Tyra-ism”. Izzy thinks she can be a model because when she’s not talking she can be more confident in herself. This makes absolutely no sense so Julien asks her to take her hair down. It’s greasy with terrible roots. Charley pretends to look intelligent. Elle says that there’s something “Marlon Brando” about her. Careful Elle, she’s already far too skinny, that comment might push her over the edge. Elle explains that this means she is beautiful but with strong features, and she loves that juxtaposition. Elle and Julien agree that they like Joanne and Izzy. Izzy’s crossing her fingers. Joanne thinks that it was a mistake to say that she’d already done a lot of modelling when she could barely walk in heels. Elle thinks that she looks like a cross between Geena Davis and Claudia Schiffer. Grace doesn’t think she’d make it to the final. Charley says that she’s got a “plain baby face”. Plain babies being the bane of the baby circuit. Elle thinks Izzy is interesting, Grace thinks she’s scary. Elle compares her to Marlon Brando again, in a “broken nose” way. Julien thinks she’s an odd-bod but Elle likes that.

Charley welcomes them back, and tells them that it’s been a tough toughie, but they’ve made their decision. Joanne and Izzy are through. Joanne goes back to her boyfriend and Izzy goes back to her mum and I realise that you can see EVERY BONE in her back. Eek.

After the break – someone has a psychic mum! Elle hits the streets and tries to hawk her underwear, and someone won’t take no for an answer and doesn’t think much of Grace.

Adverts! Barry M cosmetics look a bit cheap, don’t they? [It always amuses me how it sounds like "barium". - Steve] Are they only on Clubland 19?

And we’re back.

Fearne reminds us that we are in Dublin and there’s hundreds of girls walking and being measured. Elle thinks someone’s fringe isn’t doing her any favours. I know what you mean, I had one for years and it did nothing for me. We see Laura and Ashley go through.

Psychic mum girl is a bit nervous about meeting the judges but thinks she has a good chance. A girl with Lego man hair tells us that last September, she was sitting getting her hair done when she got a phone call that her mum was in hospital. I’m sure there’s going to be a point to this. Bear with. Apparently she needed to come in the hospital and her mum was very ill. The last conversation she had with her mum was about auditioning. It’s not clear if this was the last conversation ever, but her mum told her to go for it.

We learn that psychic mum girl is called Michelle. Grace wants to know what her mum said about the competition. Apparently her mum read her cards a while back and saw travel related to work. (I'm guessing Michelle's mum also told her she'd be meeting a man whose name began with J - Chris) As soon as she got through though, her mum said that she was too close to do a reading for. Got through? I thought these were open auditions? But then again, if the previous subterfuge of “just back from Kuala Lumpur” is anything to go by, they shouldn’t try to hide anything. She walks to a face of pain by Grace.

Helmet hair is asked to pull her fringe back. Grace grins at her and they all love her walk. Elle thinks Michelle has something. Julien says that he’s been looking in his crystal ball and he quite likes her. Yes Julien, it’s clear you need help with knowing what to think. Charley likes her best out the group. JoannePsychicMum thinks she got her personality across, and she did model when asked so she thinks she’s done well. Grace thinks she just has a lovely neck and shoulders. Michelle is through and is ready to work hard. Legohairpossiblydeadmum is shocked and disappointed because she thought she did really well.

Fearne tells us that yesterday before the auditions, Elle met up with “old friend” Ronan Keating and his top model wife Yvonne to ask where to find the best girls in Dublin. In an uncomfortable segment, they greet each other and Elle asks them how the kids are. They welcome her to Dublin. Ronan jokes that she won’t be able to see any beautiful girls because they’re all wrapped up in their raincoats. “And under umbrellas!” shouts Elle. It’s so good that she’s meeting Ronan, because she needs to know where the beautiful girls are. AND THAT IS THE POINT OF THIS SEGMENT, FOR I CAN SEE NO OTHER. Ronan suggests Grafton Street, because that’s where the best girls are, and the best shops. Even in the rain. Mrs Ronan suggests that there might be some jewels tucked away in the country, to which Ronan “jokes” that they only have 24 hours. Don’t disagree with Ronan, Mrs Ronan. Elle says that the fashion industry is so prevalent, that any girl who is remotely beautiful is shipped off at a young age so finding unspoilt beauties is difficult. Hang on... Shipped off? What are you talking about Elle? That makes NO SENSE. Where are they shipped off to? Is there a workhouse somewhere for pretty young girls? Are parents shipping off pretty girls with a knapsack and £20 and telling them to go and make their fortune in London/Paris/Milan? [From what I saw on Channel 4's The Model Agency, that sort of makes sense. Anyone with real potential is sent off to an agency in the big city at the age of about 14, and groomed by them before sending them off overseas. - Steve] Apparently, finding girls that aren’t with an agency is difficult. Mrs Ronan says that Irish girls have more confidence and personality(code for "are drunk" - Chris) which gives them the edge over other girls. Elle thinks it’s great to hear her say that, because she always tells “her girls” that being pretty isn’t enough. Ronan thinks it’s more about being in the right place at the right time and treating people with respect and working hard. Elle announces that she’s off to Grafton St. There’s more awkward air kisses and praise be, it seems that this awkward little segment is over with.

DublinPorn! People walking about!

Elle walks through a shop and goes on an escalator. She says she hasn’t seen any girls yet then puts on her sunglasses. Indoors. Do you think those two things are possibly linked, Elle?

Elle spots someone she likes but thinks she might be too young. She barges up to her and asks how old she is. Thirteen. You’re too young! She bellows at her. Elle suggests modelling in a couple of years and says how her thirteen year old son would like her. I could hear the sound of him groaning from wherever he is, whenever that was. Elle continues to prowl around the underwear section. I have to confess to looking out for a lost gang of priests somewhere in the back. Elle points out another girl and shouts “YOU” at her. “ME?” she replies, looking shocked. Elle invites her to the auditions tomorrow. She’d love that. Elle then shouts about buying underwear to a gang of bemused women with cameraphones. Next, she finds Hannah and invites her to the auditions. Elle then goes outside, in the dark, under an umbrella, in sunglasses to look for more girls. Unsurprisingly, this is fruitless so she decides to go home.

The girls off the street audition. Hannah thinks it’s quite surreal. The other girl has been looking in the mirror and wondering if she really could sell something. YOU ARE MAKING THIS FAR TOO EASY.

Elle says it’s nice to see them again. The first girl is too old at TWENTY FIVE, but Elle still wanted her to audition because she wanted her to meet the judges and wanted to see her again *COUGH*. She’s just thrilled that she was considered. Hannah apparently has beautiful blue eyes. Grace asks her if she has her own eyelashes. She does. Grace is amazed. Charley wants to know a bit more about her. Apparently she used to be shy, and is uncomfortable about being tall and thin because she got slagged off for it at school. She always thought she was a bit of a plain Jane. Julien’s random comment generator says that she’s a bit of a “Snow white”. This is followed with “big eyes”, after which he presumably goes back to sleep before adding “nice hair”.

Grace likes Hannah, but doesn’t think she could put the other one through. Grace is basically asking if she wants to bend the rules asking Elle if she feels awkward not putting her through. Elle is happy not to. They call them back. Old lady is happy just to have had five minutes of their time. Elle says to Hannah that she probably doesn’t want to know what they thought, but it’s all a HILARIOUS RUSE because they want her for the semi finals. Hannah phones her mum to tell her the good news. Hannah’s mum rightly wants to know when she has to be back.

So that’s Dublin, the capital of Ireland. Grace says goodbye to the set and Julien says goodbye to Dublin. I think he needs to reinforce to himself where he is.

Coming up – Auditions hit Manchester, and a girl who doesn’t have what it takes thinks she’s got what it takes.

Adverts! The ads are makeup, cheese and Tom Daley. He’s a lovely young man, isn’t he?

And we’re back. ManchesterPorn!

Fearne finally tells me something I want to hear. It’s the last city for auditions! A girl in a leopard print hat tells us she loves Manchester. A skinny girl who is all teeth and hair tells us that she tried last year, and this year she wants to do it. Julien is now wearing the Muppet (this being the model equivalent of "holding the conch" - Chris) and Grace gets out the car looking like a mile of bad road. Julien bitches that this is her in her natural state and makes a snide comment about her hairdresser not turning up and this is how she looks every day. Grace scratches her head and says “beautiful”.

Elle has a different Muppet on and says that it’s another day of beautiful girls in a slightly bored tone. More queuing, more measuring of girls. Elle drops in for a pep talk with the girls. They scream. She’s wearing sunglasses. She’s excited to see the beautiful girls of Manchester. She's expecting big things from them because it’s the last city. She wants to see shining personalities, because they’ve already got lots of beautiful girls.

A redheaded girl who is all teeth and hair and looks thin to the point of illness tells us that being a model is “more than a dream”. It’s something that she really, really wants. The girl who has been in every ‘coming up’ section as a trouble maker tells us that she’s got what it takes and she’s got the ‘diva-ness’. She’s not going to let the fact she looks like Natalie Cassidy on a bad day stop her. Oh no. Redhead stick girl introduces herself as Hazel. Julien tells her she has a peculiar face. She agrees. Elle thinks it might be about the haircut and asks her to pull back her hair. I’m thinking that pulling back your hair is the ‘have you got another song’ of bintmodel. Elle and Julien agree she’s got a ‘Model face’.

Next up is whacky Natalie Cassidy. Her name is Tania Roxanna Federenco (awesome name, if nothing else). She’s unemployed. She’s been having a bad year. She lost her auntie and uncle and her mum is ill. Grace rolls her eyes. THIS IS WHAT YOU ALL WANTED. THIS MUST BE WHY WE’RE HAVING THESE AUDITIONS. YOU WANT SOB STORIES. TAKE THEM. Her ill mum is here with her by the power of her tablets. Charley thinks it’s difficult to lose two siblings in a short space of time. Can someone please explain to Charley what a sibling is? Grace acknowledges that she’s been through a lot, but wants to hear how great she is. TANIA CAN DO THAT. Grace says that the difficult times are what builds her, but they are only part of the puzzle. Tania Roxanna Federenco tells us that she is a great person, but she can be horrible (!?). She’ll never start a fight but she will damn well finish it (by being wheeled into the back of an ambulance crying - Chris). She walks. Elle calls it sweet. Tania Roxanna Federenco interviews that it was nerve-wracking.

Back to the judges, Julien and Elle are laughing behind their hands, presumably at Tania Roxanna Federenco. They’re all agreed on Hazel, who will presumably go out in week one in a Very Special Episode about body image. (Oh ANTM 15 Anamaria, if only you could have prevented it). They also like “number 4” who we saw nothing of (I hear she's from The Island - Chris). Grace suggests they talk about Tania Roxanna Federenco. Charley thinks that her story is very sad, but she hasn’t got the looks. Julien thinks she’s got a fabulous personality and she’s a fun girl. She’s not a fun girl Julien, her family ARE DEAD. He agrees that she probably doesn’t have the assets of a model. They come back in and put Hazel through. Tania Roxanna Federenco looks sad. Hazel is crying. Tania Roxanna Federenco hugs her SICK MOTHER and says that she thinks she deserved at least “one stupid chance” and it didn’t happen.

More girls. Grace asks to see special talents. One girl can lick her elbow. (LICK YOUR ELBOW, YOU DO IT LIKE THIS! - Chris) Grace doesn’t think that Mario Testino would ask for that. YOU ASKED THEM, GRACE! Another can twist her elbow round, someone else does ballet. Another girl says she’s one of a kind and gets through. The ballet girl gets through. Some other boring girls get through.

Coming up! Tania Roxanna Federenco wants to know why she didn’t get through, Julien steps out of line and someone cries.

Adverts! Jewellery, reverse charges and hair dye. Lovely. Cheap rimming joke on trailer for new Sky One comedy? Not so much. A bit beneath Jane Horrocks, anyway. (Not possible - Chris) [I laughed. Don't judge me. - Steve]

More ManchesterPorn!

Fearne reminds us that it’s the last leg of auditions, but there are still hundreds of girls to see. A girl with lovely eyebrows interviews that she’s wanted to be a supermodel or famous since she was little. A very tall Chinese lady is going to try her best to see if the judges like her. Elle wows at her entrance. Much is made of the Chinese girl being tall and Chinese. Grace wants her to take her dress off because it’s hiding her proportions. Another girl stomps when she’s doing the catwalk like she wants to fade into the walls. Another girl is asked to show how wild she is for some inexplicable reason. She screeches and Julien laughs. Eyebrows is asked about her origins. She’s a mix of West Indian, white and Chinese. Julien likes this because he likes a cocktail. I will resist the cheap and obvious gag here. Elle doesn’t look pleased with eyebrows’ walk. Grace makes much of the screeching girl who was asked to screech screeching, complaining that she’s more of an actress. WHAT DO YOU WANT, GRACE? SHE DANCED FOR YOU AND YOU DON’T LIKE HER DANCING. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME AND THE JUDGES EXACTLY WHAT THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS PLEASE?! IT’S HURTING MY HEAD.

Screechy is staying positive. Julien liked “the Chinesey ones”. Sweet baby jeebus. Can you still get away with being that racist on television? [Apparently. - Steve] Grace thinks that the tall Chinese lady’s proportions were odd. Elle welcomes them back. Eyebrows, who’s name is Rakaia, gets through. Julien thinks that the tall Chinese girl could be ok if she lost more weight and drags her back for further inspection. Grace tells her that her proportions aren’t perfect. They obviously feel pressured into putting her through, so do. Elle shouts at Julien for putting them on the spot. Tall Chinese girl (NAMES PLEASE) (She doesn't need a name - she's Chinesey - Chris) is really happy to be through and in the semi final.

Oh, what’s this? Tania Roxanna Federenco is back with her SICK MUM to demand answers as to why she wasn’t put through. She totally can be Britain’s next top model. She knows she’s got what it takes. She’s totally prettier than some of the other girls that got through. She physically can’t understand why she hasn’t got through. I feel like I should explain exactly why this statement is wrong to her but at this point I haven’t got the energy.

Tania Roxanna Federenco is back in the judging room. She’s changed into a costume from High School Musical. They ask her where her dress is. She replies that she threw it off in a rage when she didn’t get through. Elle likes her outfit. Julien wants to know why she’s back. Tania Roxanna Federenco wants to know why she didn’t get through. Charley gently explains that lots of girls didn’t get through. Grace decides that she’s gonna cut the crap. You know Grace, the one that currently has another show on the same channel called Chick Fix where she sorts out people’s lives? Yeah, that one. She asks Tania Roxanna Federenco if she knows what Vogue magazine is. Tania Roxanna Federenco replies that it’s beautiful and glossy. Grace asks her if she thinks that she looks like the girls in that magazine. Tania Roxanna Federenco totally does. Honestly? Asks Grace. She replies that yes, she honestly does. Grace tells her she doesn’t. Tania Roxanna Federenco wants to know why. Grace tells her she doesn’t have *it*. Tania Roxanna Federenco wants to know what *it* is and why she doesn’t have it. Give it up love. Please. You don’t want to hear that you’re not particularly attractive any more than they want to say it.

Charley takes the tact tack. He explains that girls in fashion magazines are not classically beautiful, leaving the “like you” inferred but not stated. It’s beautiful. He explained that they have a special quality and I’m left feeling quite warm and fuzzy for Charley. What a gent.

Elle tells her that she’s not tall enough, and her legs aren’t long enough and that her roots don’t help. I feel the need to point out that this is now going on over ‘Beautiful’ by Christina Aguilera. Ugh.

Tania Roxanna Federenco hits back that Hazel wasn’t particularly beautiful. Grace replies that it’s not about being beautiful, it’s about being interesting. The camera pans over Tania Roxanna Federenco. Julien tells her that she’s obviously a lovely girl, but she just doesn’t have the bone structure. He tells her that she’s beautiful, but not beautiful enough. This is also quite sweet and I nearly fall off my chair in shock. [I am loving Julien this series. He's gone right off the deep end and it's very entertaining. - Steve]

Tania Roxanna Federenco seems to offer to change her face. Elle cuts her off and tells her that she’s never going to hear what she wants to. Julien then cuts her short by giving her a hug and sending her on her way, telling her to try something else and admiring her balls. (too easy).

Tania Roxanna Federenco leaves quietly, but interviews that she thinks they’ve made the wrong decision and that Elle doesn’t even have the right look and infers that she’s only a model because it was easier to get into the industry in the olden days. Tania Roxanna Federenco then tells a runner to tell Grace she’s a swearword. Elle says that it was hard to be patient with her.

Tania Roxanna Federenco is now leaving the building and taking her fabulous elsewhere. She puts on her sunglasses and gets into the lift and leaves us until she auditions for the X Factor Forever.

There’s one more girl. I think this girl is a bit of a precautionary tale. The thing with open auditions where they have been previously closed is that you get all the nutters that are quite easily sifted through in the initial stages actually turning up demanding to be seen.

This girl, who we shall name CryingGirl, has been trying for the last four years and this is her LAST CHANCE. She’s crying already.

There’s another girl who was one of the People’s Choices last year, but she didn’t get through, she thinks, because of her confidence. But she’s been WORKING ON THAT. She tells the judges that she’s always wanted to be a model and Grace sucks in her cheeks. She does a weird thing with her tongue.

CryingGirl also has a stutter, but it’s not going to let it hold her back. Grace explains that she’s got a LOVELY PERSONALITY. CryingGirl is from Liberia and has also lost a lot of her family in the war. Grace thinks she’s sweet and she’s got something. She tells them she’s learned lots from watching previous series. Probably of X Factor, with that story.

They leave the room. Julien likes the “two Black Girls”, to a chorus of “REALLY?!” from Charley and Grace. Julien thinks she talked her way into it. Elle agrees then says she maybe hasn’t got the fineness of features that’s needed. Charley doesn’t think she has the look. The returnee has a bad walk but Charley thinks the public will get her. The returnee hopes that CryingGirl will get through as well as her. Nothing like a bit of confidence. The returnee, who we learn is Nicole, gets through.

They also put CryingGirl through, who’s name is Daniella. She falls to the ground and Julien hugs her outside. She interviews that she’s going to show them what she’s got. Nicole is so happy to be through again.

That’s it! It’s over. Elle says well done to everyone. Elle hugs Charley and he looks like the man least wanting that hug ever. Elle complains about Julien’s boots, that he made presumably, not owns, whilst Julien tugs at the back of Grace’s top.

So with a final FACE OF SURPRISE montage over some Black Eyed Peas, the auditions are over (THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT). There are more than 80 girls through to the semis, so join us next week for Boot Camp, where these 80+ are going to be whittled down to twelve. That’s a lot of disappointed ladies...

Britain's Next Top Brummie

Auditions 2: 11th July 2011

Hello! My name is Chris, and I am new round these here parts. Inspired by Steve and Helen's inspired re-telling of TIFFNUH's rise to greatness, Joy's rise to reality tv immortality (well...for Living), and Alisha losing horribly (HA!), I am on board to help them guide you all through this series of BINT MODEL. My Top Model experience is limited. I've seen the last one of the British version, and a few of the American version (my favourite model being the same as most of the rest of the Internet. You know, that one who was cast as kind of a joke, was too old for the show, and didn't really look like a model, but made up for it with her ridiculously OTT and obnoxious personality. You know? Tyra?)

*rimshot*

Anyway, despite that, I know nothing about modelling, I last bought myself clothes in about 2004, my knowledge of female proportions is...rusty...LET'S GET TO IT!

Previously on BINT MODEL : BINTS! And...well...not models, but people who could one day pretend to be. Sexy tortoise Elle McPherson and her "sidekicks" (Token Bitchy Queen Julien "Old" McDonald, Token Star-Shagger Grace "Got Dressed In A Blackout...A SEXY BLACKOUT!" Woodward (*star status of Matt Cardle pending*) and Token Straight Bloke Charley "Surname Could Not Be More Ironic If It Were 'Natural-TV-Personality' "Speed) went to London and Glasgow and sifted through a bunch of girls including a bitchy drama student, a poet, some girls Charley Speed was trying to pick up for a quick shag, Bible Brenda and...that was about it. Nobody cared, not even the chair, but we're doing it all again! YAY!

We're reminded what the girls are competing for this year - getting to beat a bitch into 2nd place, a contract with Models1, a 6 page-spread and the cover of Company magazine (you're not actually on the cover. They just give you a copy.), a holiday for 2 in Jamaica, a car, a cosmetics campaign with Revlon, a £50,000 international campaign with Miss Selfridge, and maybe, if you're lucky, your own wikipedia page! How exciting! Fearne Rotton reminds us via voiceover that this year the judges (when Elle can be arsed) have travelled around the country to London, Glasgow, Brimingham, Cardiff, Manchester and "Ireland's capital" (THANKS FEARNE!) Dublin. No idea why, given that about 12 people seem to turn up for each casting they might as well have just done it all in one episode in London. BUT THAT WOULDN'T BE THIS MUCH FUN! ELLE EATS A MARS BAR, CAN YOU IMAGINE?!

Sorry about the spoiler there.

This episode covers The Famous Four Going Mad in Cardiff and Birmingham. I am from near Birmingham. This should be fun. Elle's going to walk round the Bullring in sunglasses and leopard-print. If she doesn't leave pregnant, I'll be very surprised. We're promised tears, talent (?) and Julien shouting "WURR WURR WURR WURR!".

Three episodes. Three episodes of this.

First up, glamorous Cardiff. Fearne tells us that excitement is MOUNTING in the Welsh capital. I hate to think what level it was at before. I've seen people more excited about accidentally catching an episode of Murder She Wrote they'd only seen the last 40 minutes of before. Like...a girl smiles? And says she has a family. EXCITING SCENES!

So exciting that we're already resorting to the excitement of Julien McDonald going kerb-crawling. He marches down the street at midnight with "a local friend" (*eyebrow*) hollering "WE ARE LOOKING FOR HOT YOUNG GIRLS! WHERE-EVER YOU MAY BE...COME OUT!" So many mixed messages in that sentence alone, and you can't even see the leather-daddy outfit Julien's wearing. He peers in the window of a lot of fast-food restaurants at people having their pre-vomit kebab, and they all stare back, vaguely confused. He finds some fat old women and patronises them as only a fashion-queen can. Some drunks recognise him, but they're fugs, so he doesn't care.

Suddenly there's a soundtrack change to "Let Me Blow Your Mind" as Julien approaches a girl who is more model-esque than anyone else he's seen trawling the streets of Cardiff. In that she's blonde. Her name is Hannah Wells, and Julien tells her that she's stunning, and that she has to come to auditions tomorrow. She looks vaguely convinced so Julien grabs her and bellows about how he's FOUND HIS FIRST WELSH GIRL. And you know that's a true statement. He rounds up a couple of bar-tarts and a stripper, grabs a deep-fried Mars Bar, orders another for Elle (hilariously saying "CAN I ORDER A DEEP-FRIED MARS BAR FOR ELLE MCPHERSON?" in doing so which...I'm asking for that on my next night out regardless) [I so need to be there when that happens - Steve][ah, fried Mars Bars...*bagpipe music swells, tear rolls down my cheek - Helen] and then heads off into the night, looking for coc...a hotel.

It's the following morning, and Elle's Angels turn up, with Julien wearing sunglasses (so you know he and his local friend had more fun last night), and Grace in a moss green carpet. As she walks in Grace hisses "I smell coffee!" like Nosferatu sniffs out virgins. Charley does nothing. As ever. They all take their places, as Elle arrives, also wearing sunglasses (I'm guessing this is due to fun not connected with any Julien may have had. You know, actual fun) and says that she's dreading Julien backing whatever girl he's scraped out of the Cardiff gutters right to the end. Eh Elle, he kind of seemed like he just picked the first girl with all her limbs under the age of 25 he happened upon.

She waves hi to Julien, and they kiss like the Mafia. He shows her his deep-fried Mars Bar. She eats it. None of that is a euphemism. It couldn't be. Even Julien McDonald's cock is less gross than a deep-fried Mars Bar. You know, probably. As this happens "Sweet Disposition" by Tender Trap plays, like this is supposed to be kookily inspiring. A MODEL EATS! CALLS ZOOEY DESCHANNEL!

Modelling now (what, so soon?) and we see a bunch of girls getting cut for being midgets, and other girls doing those funny walks that models do. Swish swish swish. First group now, and one girl, Lisa, says that she's looking forward to meeting Julien because he's a Merthyr Boy. How they let that SLUR on air is a mystery to me. Call OFCOM! Anyway, Lisa (looks a bit like Gwen Cooper's Primary School Teacher sister) walks in, says her age, her location, and also that she hates men. Grace looks at her with her best "a child just pooed on Supernanny's Shoes" face in disgust and horror. Oh good, just what this show needed. Feminism. [5'9"+ Sisters are doing it for themselves... - Helen]

So anyway, what's happened is that Lisa (blatantly) got dumped, like a week ago, and is still processing it like a Carrie Bradshaw column written by one of Ablisa. She hates men! But she loves them! But just as friends! But they're such bastards! Apart from her gays! She's just too good for straight men though! But she will talk to them! Grace, like a moron, asks her if she would be alright taking part in a photo-shoot WITH A MAN BEHIND THE CAMERA! Dun dun durrrrn. Lisa doesn't answer and continues jawing about her complex relationship with mens, until Grace asks her why she's better than the other two girls currently awaiting judgment. Lisa says that she is full of character (she won't shut up!), has a split personality (she makes no sense!) and sometimes she comes across as shy! (if it involves shutting up, I'm all for it).

Julien asks her if she thinks she's got a beautiful face. Lisa then wins back all my love in 0 seconds flat by referring to her own face as "workable". Like...it's livable, like having one eye or mild dyspraxia. [It's a fixer-upper. - Steve] And the way she makes it work is...adjusting her hair a bit. LISA TO WIN! THE GIRL WITH THE WORKABLE FACE! She demonstrates her "sweet" (bitchy whilst tilting backwards), "sexy" (bitchy whilst tilting forwards), and "angry" (like Sasha Fierce - Toddler Edition) looks to him, to better state her case. Elle tells her she has good bone structure and a nice-shaped face, whilst looking more like one of the twiglet-aliens from Men In Black than ever, and asks Lisa to do her funny walk for them. Swish swish swish. It's crap.

The other two girls currently in the room do funny walks, and one of them reveals she is called some stupid name that even Victoria Beckham would baulk at, which she's clearly making up on the spot. This apparently is enough to get her put through, and Elle then puts Workable Lisa through for shits and giggles. Eh, I think she's peaked with calling her own face "workable" to be honest. Hope I'm wrong. Elle tries to make out this all because she saw potential in there...it's just that her hair was all wrong and it's not at all because she's a stank bitch. Yeah yeah yeah Elle. Tell it to Tyra.

Brief montage of Grace being rude to various girls now : she mimics one girl's stupid mouse voice, she tells one girl her rubbish hair is the least of her problems, she calls one girl boring, she coins the nickname "Miss Cardigan" for a girl wearing a cardigan [such wit! - Helen], she tells two girls that they aren't going to be models (HOW UNNECESSARY!). Montage ends with Grace flapping her lips like Jackie Wilson and bellowing "GIVE ME THE REAL STUFF!". It's never coming Grace. Unless you mean coke, and lots of it.

(*advertising break*)

As The Saturdays welcome us back from Fernando Alonso's lip-sync, we're minded of the four girls Julien tossed together at random earlier. One of these girls is called Charlotte. She's the one who's a stripper. A lap-dancing stripper at that. She tells us that she's been dancing in laps for two years now, and it pays the bills, and if she has to do it for the rest of her life then fair enough, but hopefully she can get out of that seedy seedy world of writhing around unnaturally whilst nude for men into the bright clean shiny world of modelling. Writing around unnaturally whilst nude for gay men.

In she walks with Julien's other three girls and Julien asks her if she's always wanted to be a model. She says yes, but she's always feared the rejection. Grace asks why she fears rejection, and Charlotte says it's because she had a troubled childhood, was bullied at school and people laughed at her for wanting to be a model. Elle starts off on an exegesis about how hard it is for women to really get a healthy and realistic image of themselves (WHICH IS WHERE THE MODELLING INDUSTRY COMES IN!), and seriously of all the people to save a young woman from the sex industry on TV this month, these four are by far the least inspirational. At least have John Simm play one of them. Or all of them. I don't care. [As far as I'm concerned, it's Damian Lewis or GTFO. - Steve]

We next cover how Julien found Stripper Charlotte - in a lap-dancing club (with Charlotte going full Dickensian urchin as she explains : "he found me at work so he did, in a lap-dancing class so it was, Mr Julien did ma'am") - and Grace pulls a massive inappropriate Kenneth Williams blowjob-face of shock until Elle yells "THAT'S REALLY COOL!" to stop her saying anything stupid. Elle asks Julien what the fun he was doing in a lap-dancing club with nudey girls in it. When he's a...you know...a gay. Eh, cheap condoms Elle.

Charley and Grace are shocked (shocked I tell you!) that a lap-dancer might not be a massive blowsy Jodie Prenger style tart-with-a-heart, and Stripper Charlotte explains that she has two different personas. Charlotte, and Rosie. Rosie's the one who does lap-dancing, and will end up murdering a john in the back of a Ford Fiesta in 8 months time when he gets a little too fresh. She tells Elle that if she put a pole in front of her, she'd werk it. So Elle gets Charlotte/Rosie to writhe around a bit of tetanus looking scafolding waggling her vagina about whilst Julien pretends this is giving him a boner. [I would say that one can only imagine Charley's face, but I'm not entirely convinced he's not a bit Ken Doll down there - Helen]

THREE WEEKS OF THIS!

Julien's Girls take their leave, and we get this amazing exchange whilst they wait :

Grace : It's amazing that she's got that alter-ego thing, that she can turn into so many pe...

Elle : I'm sorry, she doesn't have an alter-ego, it's all in her head.

BA'DUH ELLE! BA'DUH BA'DUH!

THREE WEEKS!

Anyway, Charlotte/Rosie gets through, because Julien wants her to (Grace HATES her), and Charlotte/Rosie says that she wants to show people that "dancers" aren't like what people think. They're "normal women-girls". Yes dear.

Montage of girls getting through and not getting through now : two girls do prayer hands of thanks, one girl does awful krumping, one girl touches her nose with her tongue, one girl says she's not a model, one girl strangles herself. Grace snorts like a submerging hippo. Elle decides she's bored of this crap, because she's got kids to look after and wanders off, leaving the sidekicks in charge. Fearne informs us that Elle has a "special night with the children" planned. If by "children" you mean "bottle of kahlua" Fearne, then maybe.

Julien, Grace and Charley all voluntarily eat on camera, to prove they are real, and then get back to judging.

First up is Alex. She tells us that she thinks she's a bit different to everyone else, because she's a bit bigger than they are. She wants to show us all that "big is beautiful". I notice that Elle got herself well out of the room to avoid having to offer an opinion on this whole can of worms. Yeah Elle, just stick to saying that strippers are cool and bitches are funny and would be great if they did something with their hair. Don't strain yourself.

Grace tells the girls that Elle's not there, and so "the lunatics" are running the asylum. She's mad she is. You don't have to be mad to be a BINT-MODEL judge, BUT IT HELPS! And so on. Alex is defensive off the bat grumbling "I'm a plus-sized model in case you hadn't noticed yet". Go home Alex. This is about as far away from owning it as you can get. Julien laughs in her face, and Grace tells her she's not technically speaking a plus-sized model, because she's not big enough. In fact she's not a model at all, she's a NORMAL PERSON EW EW EW GET OUT! Julien tells her that she can't just come in and claim a "Get Out Of Jail Fat" card - why should they bother with her above anybody else?

Alex replies that she's very determined and she can work really hard and she can also get her tits out. The judges then make her get her tits out and do a funny model walk. Mika sings "Big Girls You Are Beautiful And Also Balloons And Also Buffalo And Sometimes When I Look At Pictures Of Jensen Ackles I Feel All Funny BUT I'VE DEFINITELY DONE IT WITH A GIRL! RIGHT IN THE BOOBIES! AH-AH UGLY BETTY DESPERATEHOUSEWIVES SEXINTHECITYLIPSTICKJUNGLE!" or whatever the hell that abomination of a song is called. Everything on Alex bounces up and down as Grace screams "BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY!" at her, and Alex screws up her mouth like Peppermint Patty and hates every second of this.

Next up, Julien asks a girl in the same line-up whether she likes any model in particular, and the poor girl dares to say Giselle, which sets Julien off for absolutely no reason and he starts yelling at her about how she's "NEVER GOING TO BE GISELLE SO WHO THE FUNK DO YOU THINK YOU GET OFF THINKING YOU CAN BE GISELLE? YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK ANYTHING LIKE HER YOU FOUSTY OLD TROUT!" He then makes her get her tits out. Such an odd little man. Such an odd little show. This girl who is not Giselle is called Holly apparently. It's left to Fearne to inform us of this. She is through, Alex is (duh) not.

Alex cries her way out and it makes Leona Lewis wail like a distressed Fallopian Tube.

Two girls get through from the last group of the day. One of them is called Victoria, and she looks a bit like a sexy goblin. The other one...I'm guessing we'll never see again unless she gets a tooth-over. Rejected from this group is (Not That) Tulisa. She's giant, has clown hair, is dressed in denim, and has hoops I could fit my fists through (calm down Julien). Grace tells her she's beautiful and that she should keep trying and keep her chin up and all that, but it's not her this series. Tulisa just cries more, which makes Grace cry more, which makes Grace confused deep inside her carpet, so she decides Tulisa can go through anyway. She decides to dramatise this in the manner of the last 5 minutes of a Richard Curtis movie, sprinting after Tulisa telling her to STOP! THE JUDGES LOVE HER AFTER ALL! Sadly, Alex is still off crying and self-harming somewhere, so this isn't soundtracked by, say up-tempo Northern Soul, but instead with more Leona. WE CAN'T STOP THE LEONA! Stop crying Alex, wherever you are, you're ruining this moment for Tulisa with your neo-soul Snow Patrol covers! Selfish fatty normal person!

And that is the end of Cardiff.

(*advertising break*)

Fresh from the hell that is the prospect of "Chick Fix", we are in my home... well not town. Region. Home region. Lots of shots of the Bull Ring and the Bull Ring bull and Victoria Square and especially Selfridges, because Selfridges is to Birmingham as Big Ben is to London and The Eiffel Tower is to Paris. And how depressing is that? Our Great Work is a SELFRIDGES [It's better than the old Bull Ring being the mark of Birmingham - Helen]. Anyway stomping right outside Selfridges is Elle, looking like Bet Lynch after a nasty bout of anorexia. This should end well. She opens with "I'm about to go into the Bull Ring, which is a shopping centre", intoning the whole thing like she's David Attenborough and some Brummies are about to start absently trying to pick ticks off her in a charming fashion.

My people greet Elle with utter indifference. I'm so proud. Like, one girl paps her with an iPhone, and some people wave at the camera, but that's about it. Elle stomps around demanding that somebody, anybody, pay attention to her. It's amazing. One girl just stands there shovelling mini-eggs into her mouth as Elle begs her to audition, then walks off with a sneer on her face. Eventually Elle finds her level - 6 year old girls entering a shopping centre talent contest, fellow Australians, and one girl clearly planted by production. HA HA HA.

Birmingham 1, Elle 0. How I wish we had an anthem.

To the LG Arena now (because yes, this show needs an ARENA to hold all 14 potential contestants that have turned up), where lots of girls say they like modelling (handy!) and that there are so many tall, pretty girls here (surprising! I was expecting short fat hairy midgets! THE HEAT IS ON!). We close the pre-action maunderings of cattle. with one Brummie girl saying "if you can't stop thinking about something every day, then you should pursue it". See, I told the judge that regarding Darren Criss, and he didn't listen.

Elle turns up, followed by Grace in glasses with catwoman ears (*face*), and then Julien clutching...what appears to be a Craig David poster. Who would be surprised to hear that Julien is leaving out of his car? I would not be. Grace goes to get ready (oh yes, it gets worse), and Elle sneaks a peak. Grace looks like Elton John threw up candy floss all over Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Is what she looks like.

Speaking of unfortunate looks, Amy is our first girl of note. She's the same shade of white as a bloated corpse's feet, has the face of a girl that was burnt at the stake in the 16th Century for being a witch based on the evidence of facial structure alone, hair that sits on her forehead with all the ease and grace of Bruce Forsythe's, a chin you could rest pints on, and she's chuntering on about her art. She's the most modelesque person I've seen thus far! She's grotesque! I bet she takes great pictures! Why is Julien the only one noticing this? Why am I on Julien's side?

Julien and Elle ponder aloud as to how other human beings react to seeing Amy for the first time. Amy confirms it is either screaming, vomitting, or the full pitchfork treatment. Julien makes her do a funny walk, swish swish swish, and Amy goes full Angry Goth. She's such a star! Just cancel the whole competition right here. Sod off Bible Brenda, we have a winner. All the girls work out, and Elle, Julien and Charley all loathe Amy, because they're all jelus hatahs, but Julien just says "Jade Parfitt" over and over and over again, and guarantees that Amy will be in the Final Three. I wish...

Anyway, Julien goes on and on and on and on and on and even admits that he's older than Grace to pull rank, that's how much he loves Amy. So you best believe he's in love. Eventually his pleading gets Elle's special dispensation, and Amy is through. YAY! Julien tells her to go and google Jade Parfitt. A nation follows.

Montage of crying girls now, soundtracked by Jessie J doing like a man dem suga barrowman dem SUGAH DIRTY SUGAH. Actually it's just one crying girl but she's so boring it feels like a montage. Like every boring crying girl who thinks really wanting it so badly is the same as being interesting or likable purified down to one girl. She's called Rebecca. Anyway, she's followed by, per Fearne, "another Julien-looking model", also called Rebecca. Which is not to say that the model looks like Julien (more's the pity, can you imagine?), but rather she is really pale and skinny and druggy-chic and kind of washed out. Julien raves about her, but Grace whinges that she's got no pizazzle. She wants to find the new Elle, or the new Naomi, you know, a girl who works to 90s standards of beauty with an obnoxious attention-whore personality. Who cares if she's a MODEL? We want a personality! BRING BACK ALISHA! [Let's not and say we did. - Steve]

Julien honks loudly in her face until she shuts up talking nonsense. I don't know if I can recap this show if it's going to make me Team Julien this often, I just can't. Elle tells them both to calm down (as does Charley, but if a Charley talks and nobody's bothering to hear it, did it actually happen?), and she puts through both Model Rebecca and Crying (/Personality) Rebecca. NOTHING SAYS PIZAZZLE LIKE SNOT ON YOUR SLEEVE!

OK, actual montage now, of successful girls. Another Mika song plays (*fast forward*). Through the speed fast-forward I can tell one girl is so obviously better than everyone else in her room they declare her their queen and self-eliminate ; one girl has a name that means something in a language (like "peace of mind" or "tranquillity of bowels" or "pizza" or something) and does kick-boxing, and one girl who looks more like a member of the Sugababes than a model is liked be Grace (SURPRISE!).

More shots of the judges eating now (why? I have never seen a show that included so many unnecessary shots of people eating. I do not need to see these people perform basic bodily functions. Unless it is Charley having a shower obv kthz plz) as they discuss hideous fug-model Amy some more. Julien still loves her, Grace still doesn't, the creature itself is still flumping around looking like Noel Fielding in Planet Of The Apes. [I have nothing further to add now, because this is the exact moment that I completley zoned out - Helen]

(*advertising break*)

As we finish scribbling our itineraries for our day out at BINT-MODEL LIVE! (9am : whip mayonnaise eggs at Delita, 9:05am Go home), the show plonks us right back into Birmingham.

Before our next group enter, we get a brief preview of them waiting outside the judges room. Basically it's four girls stood in a little huddle as another screams at them and gesticulates and bugs her eyes out and plays with her hair and pulls stupid Atomic Kitten faces and cows them all with her laser-blast shotgun eyes. She is, surprise surprise, reality tv variety Scouse. Her accent is, at least, mild. Her name is Laurie.

She enters, gurning her face off at all the judges, and tells them all she teaches in a school for the deaf. Or at least, they're deaf when she's finished with them. She gets all the lirrle deaf kids to come out their shells, and she's dead bubbly and that. She basically makes deaf school sound like a Butlins at which she is Head Redcoat. Such fun. Julien tells her that she's very beautiful and very vibrant with "tossled hair", but being a catwalk model means looking like a miserable bitch at all times. Can she do this? Laurie tells him that she can. She's very versatile. Like a "Char-melion". Grace snoots "KA-melion" at her, like Julien didn't just full-on say "tossled".

Anyway Laurie can be a rock-chick or a decapitated corpse or a classic moment from Britain's Next Top Model history or whatever other moronic photoshoot concept you want her to embody. They make her do a funny walk, swish swish swish, and the funny walk reminds Grace of Abi Clancy, who is a real "personality" if ever I've seen one, so obviously Laurie is through. PERSONALITY! PIZAZZLE! As she walks out, Julien says that Laurie is the sort of girl that men actually want to have sex with. Well what is she doing going through then Julien? This is a show for models.

Two girls with the same haircut audition. The one that seems like kind of a phony (you know, based on two seconds of air-time) gets through. Charley gets to read this one out, just for something to do, or than sitting there being irrelevant. CHARLEY CAN READ DEAD GOOD MISS.

THREE WEEKS!

Another montage now, this time of rejects : one girl looks at the floor whilst she walks, one girl looks like a boy, but, you know, not in a model way , and then things get so bad a whole room of girls gets cut in one go. One girl is not very sexy and can't walk, and then a whole room just breaks into spontaneous voguing for no reason. None of them get through either. Eh, Elle's just angry because she got chewed up and spat out by the Bullring. Don't take it out on the rest of Birmingham just cause you couldn't handle the Bullring Elle. Not their fault you ended up making a little fort in H & M out of tipped-over clothes-racks and cried and cried and cried until they had to call Julien to come and get you to leave.

Finally in this montage of fail, we get Sarah, the winner of something called "People's Choice" from last year's series, which I'm guessing was some sort of online vote to pick a contestant. Apparently, despite this accolade, this girl didn't get into the house then, and she's certainly not going to now, as Grace doubts her Amazon potential. Sarah goes outside and calls Grace a bitch (but says she's still coming back next year, ok Sarah). Grace yells to camera about how the PUBLIC HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A MODEL, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Of course, I bet they're still going to get to decide the winner this year. [We weren't the people who put Alisha in the top three either, GRACE. - Steve]

Next up are the two girls that Elle found in Birmingham earlier. That's right, it's the producer plant, and Little Miss Mini Eggs who has, despite her attitude, actually turned up. That's my girl. Anyway, Production Plant is such a fresh off the street find that she's had a modelling job in-between meeting Elle yesterday and today, where they've screwed up her hair horribly. She still gets through, because she's Elle's baby, as is Little Miss Mini-Eggs.

FUGBEAST AMY VS LITTLE MISS MINI-EGGS FINAL 2 PLZ!

Finally is Tanya Mikailovic (sorry, complete guess there), [according to someone on Facebook who was also at this audition, it's actually "Hania", but the show got it wrong - Steve] who is a quarter Serbian and on her last shot, at the ripe old age of 23. She has more eye-make up on than My Chemical Romance, Green Day and Taking back Sunday combined. Elle roots out her delightful ethnicity like a piggy hunting for truffles, then asks her what Serbian women look like. What the hElle? You sound like you're touting for a mail-order bride, cut it out. Tanya tells her, in a thick Brummie accent, that Serbian women are all beautiful and tall, with big eyes (*giggle giggle*).

Charley asks her to give him three words that encapsulate Tanya. She replies "God Damned Sexy" (*giggle giggle*). Charley asks which designer she'd like to work for, and she points at Julien and giggles some more. Julien then points out that she's wearing far too much make-up and they can't see her eyes, and suddenly giggly Tanya bolts mentally and starts shaking and panicking and saying she should have toned it down, and that she's taking from the panel the message "less is more". The panel nod and say "yes, less is always more". Grace says this. Grace who is dressed like a CIRCUS GANG-BANG.

Anyway, Tanya gets eliminated along with the rest of her room, thanks to Elle's anti-Brummie rage, but then Elle decides that she's changed her mind, and that if Tanya had gone and taken the make-up off her eyes spontaneously, she would have got through easy. So let's go and make her do it artificially and for the cameras! IN THE SPIRIT OF REALITY TV! Eh whatever Elle, Grace already did it. I know you were off with your booz...your kids at the time, but it still happened. Anyway, Elle runs after Tanya, and tells her to scrub all that crap off her eyes, and then they'll consider her again. Hilariously, Tanya tries to do so, but the muck is caked in that she can't get rid of most of it, and then she comes back in with it all still on all "what can you do?" (*shrug*) and the panel fiddle awkwardly and then let her through anyway, and pretend it was her jumper they had a problem with all along.

Oh yeah and she's got a kid and had 4 hours to live once or something.

I love this show.

Next week : Dublin! Ronan Keating tells Elle where to get all the good crack!

No dead parents yet, but it can only be a matter of time

Auditions 1: 4th July 2011

Well, I don't know about you, but I always like to start a new series with a voiceover from Fearne Cotton, because that always leaves me feeling calm and optimistic about what the future has in store.[Kill it! Kill it with FIRE - Helen] I'm a mere seven seconds into the recap, and already I don't like the changes that have been made to the format this series. And this isn't even the worst one. Oh man, this is going to be a long series.

Anyway, The Voice Of Fearne tells us that over the past six years, six very special girls have become Britain's Next Top Model. Sure enough, we see shots of Lucy, who was pretty much the only winner I knew anything about before last year, because I spent several years in houses where we only had Freeview channels, followed by Lianna, Lauren, Alex, Mecia, and Tuffnuh. And since I'm going to spend a sizeable chunk of this week's recap pointing out the many, many things wrong with the show this year, in the interests of balance I'm going to commend the series for acknowledging all of its previous winners. After all, it's not something the US original has ever done, because Tyra Banks breaks out in hives every time she sees the words Adrianne Curry - and let's face it, it's not like this show has a particularly illustrious history, so you could forgive it for basically wanting to pretend that half of these series never even happened. Lisa Butcher? Who's that? Snowdon? What? And yet, they've brought all of those previous winners back into our minds, and reminded us that most of them kind of disappeared afterwards. I mean, Lianna doesn't even have a Wikipedia page to call her own. So kudos to the show for accepting the teachings of Lady Gaga, and accepting that it was born this way, i.e. kind of ineffectual.

After a risibly cheap effects shot of shattering glass, we're reintroduced to the people who matter: head judge Elle Macpherson, who's looking damn good for 48, international fashion designer Julien McDonald, who's sporting a TTP (Total Tragic Perm) this year, top editorial stylist Grace Woodward, who has sadly ditched the fierce glasses, and whose recent involvement with The X Factor might perhaps have something to do with the show's ill-advised new structure, and international model Charley Speed, who still looks a bit ovine. In one of the sweeping glamour shots around him in this sequence, you can actually see him swallowing nervously. Bless.

This year, the judges will be going out on the road for the first time, auditioning across the country in London, Glasgow, Beautiful Cardiff As Seen On Torchwood, Manchester and DUBLIN WHICH IS IN IRELAND. This year's prizes are a contract with Models 1 (hilariously, this is illustrated with a shot of Tiffany's modelling card, which is next to Joy's, which is next to Mecia's. Where is Alisha in all of this, you might ask? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOWHERE, HA HA HA)[Fire fail - Helen], a six-page spread and cover of Company magazine, a luxury holiday for two in Jamaica courtesy of Sandals, with business-class flights courtesy of British Airways, a brand-new Peugeot RCZ Sports Coupé, a cosmetics campaign with Revlon, and a £50,000 international campaign with Miss Selfridge, which will feature in over 250 stores across the globe. Holy shit, those are actually some nice prizes. Can I enter? I've been practising my smize, y'know.

Over the next three weeks (three!), hundreds of girls will face the panel, and tears and joy will not be far away, Sadly, Joy will be far away, working on her successful modelling career, which Alisha does not have. Tee hee. Sorry, I swear that's the last time I'll mention that. [I'm not promising never to mention it. I do feel the need to mention her hilarious blog though - Helen] There are teaser shots of what's to come, including Bible Brenda, Julien completely ignoring everyone else on the panel repeatedly, someone doing a cartwheel, Elle demonstrating her catwalk skills, someone doing the absolute worst impression of Father Ted's Mrs Doyle that you're ever likely to hear, a girl who insists "I'm great TV, I'm sorry" (my dear girl, NEVER apologise for being good TV. Lord knows we're going to need all the help we can get), Julien's new superwoman, some nasal bitch with terrible roots who think Elle Macpherson does not have the right look for modelling. Ladies and gentlemen who like other gentlemen, this is BINTModel.

You might think we'd actually be getting some proper content now, but fat chance. Instead, the Voice Of Fearne informs us of what's coming up, which is the judges hitting Glasgow and London, everyone asking everyone else how their summer was, and Charley looking kind of creepy as he wanders arounds the streets insisting to vulnerable young women that he's totally a modelling scout. Montage of people trying to get attention, including someone taking off a wig, someone doing the splits, that cartwheel AGAIN, the "I'm great TV" girl AGAIN (this is not exactly getting my hopes up that they have a rich portfolio of interesting auditions to show us), lots of crying, and someone who wants to be whatever Elle is.

It's time for the Glasgow auditions, and there seem to be some half-decent prospects in the queue outside the arena, so perhaps this won't be a total waste of everyone's time after all. Elle Macpherson arrives in a private jet, because BSkyB bought Virgin Media's channel portfolio and now this series has Murdoch Money to throw around, and takes a private car to the auditions. En route, she informs us that she's just had a text from Grace asking what she's wearing, to ensure they don't clash. It's fine, because Elle is in black and Grace is wearing red. Hooray for averted potential fashion disasters! Elle tells us that she's excited to see the other judges, but mostly to see the "weird and wonderful, beautiful creatures" that Glasgow has in store for them. Hilariously, Charley, Grace and Julien have had to share one cab to the venue. Guess that put them in their place. Charley reminds us that it's the first time they've had open auditions, so they have no idea what sort of girl will be turning up. It's reality TV, Charley, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say "mostly mental ones". Julien "doesn't even know what Scottish girls look like - are they fat, thin, tall, do they eat haggis, do they drink whiskey? Are they very fond of their children?" Wow, I never thought I'd be drawing a direct intellectual link between Julien Macdonald and Susan Ma. These are indeed mysterious times.

We see the girls filling out forms (thrilling television!), and one of them interviews that the competition looks tough today. Elle arrives up an escalator, wearing awful leather trousers and a bizarre feathery shrug that makes her look like a tall, leggy crow. She hugs Charley and Grace, and then exclaims: "Julien! Your hair! What is it, with that haircut? My God!" Attagirl. Julien claims he's turning into Elle, bit by bit. Elle laughs in his face. The judges sit down for a pow-wow, and Elle explains that she wants to be more rigorous about height this year, and to find girls who actually have style. Julien tries to interject that they want to see "somebody that stood out from the crowd who actually looked like a model, perhaps was a bit special, perhaps a style guru--" before a visibly bored Elle cuts him off with "well, we've got a lot of girls to see." HA! I love Elle so much right now. Elle says that she needs ten minutes to get her face on, at which point the others needle her about keeping them waiting for four hours while she swanned in from her private jet. Elle's all "fuck you, I was in Geneva with people who actually matter." Makes a difference from Lisa Snowdon turning up and going "sorry, I was busy doing radio with Johnny Vaughn and saying 'breakfast' in a really strange overemphatic way on those Belvita adverts", I suppose.

They march onto the set, totally drunk on the sense of power already, and a group of girls in black towelling dressing gowns are paraded by the corridor. Man, how embarrassing that they all turned up wearing the same outfit! What are the odds? A girl in a Russian hat says that she's different, and she thinks the judges will see her sense of style and passion. Already I do not care. A moon-faced girl thinks her competitors are gorgeous, but that she's got an edge. They troop into the room, and Julien asks them to show their best catwalk, which one girl demonstrates by stomping forward awkwardly, hunched over and staring at the floor. Grace: "My yoga teacher says if you look down, that's the way you're going to go." Your yoga teacher sounds like a pervert, Grace. Julien tells Moonface that she has fantastic bone structure and a really interesting face. Elle asks how tall she is, and Moonface says she's 5'9", which Elle disputes. Moonface catwalks for us, and it's not bad. Russian Hat Girl tells the judges that she's currently a care assistant, and she's an accomplished highland dancer. Charley asks her to tell them something else interesting about herself, and she replies that she made it to the top three of Fife's Next Top Model. The top three. Of Fife's Next Top Model. Seriously, she's not even the best model in Fife [I come from next door to Fife. This is nothing to crow about - Helen]. I think we all know where this is going, as does Elle, who's cracking up already. Julien asks her to remove the hat, and then wonders if perhaps she should have left it on after all. The girls are temporarily dismissed so the judges can talk: primarily about Russian Hat Girl, who Grace thinks was "so brave" to dance for them. Julien liked the second one (Moonface) and the end one (random blonde girl whom we only saw walking), and Charley agrees. They are summoned back in, and Julien asks "Holly" (aka Moonface) to step forward, because she's made it through. Oh good God, this sub-X Factor bullshit is going to actually kill me. Outside, Holly interviews that she's very pleased, and gets hugs from the others.

In the next group is 20-year-old Tanya, whom we saw in the montage earlier, wanting to be what Elle is. Tanya wants to win the show so that she has something in her life to be proud of. In the auditions, Julien asks her what makes her better than all the people standing next to her, and Tanya says that she's really driven. Grace pushes for more details on specifically what makes Tanya special enough to win this thing, and Tanya responds "it's not all about being pretty, is it? It's about wanting to do something." Tanya struts for the judges, and since the people standing next to her are all super-dull, everyone is sent out. Tanya interviews that she's not very good in those situations with her nerves. Julien thinks that Tanya and a girl with stunning blue eyes and an adorable pixie cut from that group had potential. They're sent back in. The pixie cut girl, Tessa, is told she's through to the semi-finals, while the others are dismissed - except for tearful Tanya, who's asked to stay back for a minute. Elle tells her that they are "undecided" (read: the producers realised they could milk this one for tears if they got her to talk a bit more, dammit), so they want her to show them something to encourage them to put her through. Tanya thinks, and says that she wants to be able to prove herself to the people that put her down, and prove to them that she came out of things better than they did. DING DING DING, that is the reality TV gold the producers were looking for. Elle says that the panel would like to give her the opportunity to move into the next round. 'Just The Way You Are' by Bruno Mars plays, because that's exactly where this show's heading now. Mark my words, next year they'll be doing this exact same shit, with the "added bonus" of it all being in front of a live audience. Tanya exits, and hugs a seriously cute guy I'm assuming is her boyfriend. He look a bit like PC from NYC Prep, actually. I seriously covet the jumper he is wearing.

Adverts. I would spend a lot more time in Holland & Barrett if I thought it meant Gethin Jones would strike up a conversation with me, even if it was just about food supplements.

When we return, we're still in Glasgow (small mercies: in its efforts to imitate The X Factor, at least the show hasn't yet picked up that annoying habit of switching to a different city after every ad break). While the judges see more hopefuls, we're introduced to two "familiar faces" - Samirah and Jennifer, who made it to fashion academy last year. I recapped that episode, and I have no recollection of either of them, though referring to the recap confirms that they were indeed there, as does the washed-out weepy flashback we are treated to at this point. Jennifer explains that her failure last year was due to lack of confidence, so she's gone away and built up a good portfolio to prove to herself that she can do it. Samirah, similarly, thinks confidence is the key and wants to show the judges just how much she wants this. By a massive coincidence that is in no way contrived, they're in the same group. Elle and Grace pretend to recognise them, Charley and Julien don't bother. Grace asks them why they should put them through now when they didn't get put through last season. This is a valid point, especially since DELETE HER got put through last season. Although the correct answer here is "Krista White", who failed five auditions for America's Next Top Model, and then finally got selected for cycle 14, which she won. Samirah, however, opts for telling them that she knows she's got what it takes to be a top model." Julien: "Well, keep living the dream." Heh, he's such a bitch. They turn to Jennifer, who says she wanted to prove to herself that she could do this, and Grace is all "you mean after four industry experts told you that you couldn't?" Jennifer counters that they must have at least seen some potential in her to have let her get that far in the first place. Fair point. Julien says that she's one of the best they've seen today, and he loves her look, and she seems like a nice girl who's come back with lots of confidence.

They're temporarily dismissed, and head back outside, where Samirah tells the cameras that she thinks Julien McDonald was "a bit of...a bit harsh". You just know the word "cunt" featured somewhere in the initial version of that sentence. Back in the room, Elle wonders if they might owe it to Samirah to put her through. Grace: "We don't owe anything to anybody, she's not going to cut it." Julien likes Jennifer, though, and wants to give her a chance. Charley fakes snoring, which is kind of funny considering that he's done so little all day you really could mistake that for him actually being asleep. They're summoned back in, and Elle announces that she will be calling out two names: Chelsea, who had no airtime whatsoever, and Jennifer. They're in the semi-finals. Samirah is not. Alexandra Burke trills on the soundtrack.

20-year-old Jade announces that her secret weapon is her personality, and that's what she's going to use to become the next top model. Elle groans that they've been sat there all day and want to be entertained. Yeah, I'm sure their lives are SO HARD. One girl does the splits, while Jade does the aforeseen worst ever impression of Mrs Doyle. It's so bad. Not content with that, she launches into a slightly-better impression of Lorraine Kelly (though to be fair, you just try and find me someone who can't do a good Lorraine Kelly impression) and Heather Small, which is not even as good as the ones that Sarah Hadland does on Miranda. Elle asks one girl to take her identification sticker off her tits so they can get a good look at them. She does indeed have an impressive cleavage; Elle asks the girl if the boobs are hers, and she says they are, though that might well just mean she's finished paying for them. Julien gets super-creepy (more so than usual) and calls her a "Turkish delight". Outside, she hopes that she'll get through because the judges liked her boobs, at which the other girls giggle. Elle thinks she's definitely up there with the girls they've put through, and Julien says that she's Turkish about six more times. He's determined to become the Louis Walsh of this show, isn't he? The auditionees are brought back in, and Julien compliments them all on their personality. He calls Gisele, his Turkish delight, forward, and she has made it through. She is very happy.

The day's final group of girls were found randomly in Glasgow yesterday when Charley went street-casting. Shall we see how that went? Charley finds one likely contender: he asks her how tall she is, and she's 5'9", which is good, but then he asks how old she is, and she's 29, which is VERY VERY BAD. "Aw," says Charley. He explains that the criteria for a model is quite strict: "Looks-wise you can get quite creative, but there's a certain shape that is pretty much just a given." So you can look however you like as long as you're tall and thin: handy to know. He runs after another girl, who is interested in coming to an audition. He interviews that they've got their first one, as the girl fills in the paperwork in the shot behind him. Well, I guess it's nice that they keep us up to speed on every part of the process. He finds another girl outside The Fraser Building, but when she hems and haws about her height, he realises she's not tall enough for the show. Charley heads into some sort of café, where he finds a girl who is borderline height-wise, but he decides her look is not right for the show. Another girl recognises him from being Off The Telly, and agrees to come to an audition. He finds another tall, thin girl to audition. In a shopping centre, he finds a girl who definitely has a model-look (nice, clean complexion, tall, thin, lovely trendy haircut) who is supposed to be at college tomorrow, but agrees to try and sneak out to come to the audition. I fear this won't end well. Also, would it kill the show to give us names for any of these people? Help a recapper out, here.

So Charley found four girls in total, and now it's time for the judges to meet them. Grace is impressed and thinks Charley chose well, and Elle agrees. He gets them all to walk, and the third one found is quite timid - "but you can learn", Charley points out. The first girl found goes next, and Grace finds her walk "half-hearted". Charley shows her how to walk with confidence and strength. The girl who recognised Charley goes next, and gives them a bit of sass and a wiggle as she walks. After the girls are sent out, Grace and Elle congratulate Charley again on his good work, and Grace thinks there are two worth talking about. Julien: "Oh, there's not." Heh. The timid-walker reminds Grace of a London catwalk type, but Julien disagrees. Grace, Charley and Elle vote to put her through, but Julien remains unconvinced. The girls stomp back in, and Charley thanks them all for coming in and not phoning the police or anything. The tall girl, Catherine (/Katherine/Katharine/Kathryn), is through to the next round if she wants that to happen. She does. Hooray! Meanwhile, that last girl skipped college for nothing. See, this is a lesson to all of us: stay in school, kids!

That's it for Glasgow. Elle wants to go home and see her kids. Julien too wants to go home and see Elle's kids. Elle pulls up her trousers, having momentarily mistaken this for last year's live final. Charley likes that the new process is more interactive, while Grace likes that they're involved from the beginning, rather than being handed a bunch of girls by the producers that they wouldn't have personally chosen. Because I'm sure that isn't still happening on a lesser scale or anything. Meanwhile, Steve thinks the new format sucks, because it's basically like The X Factor, except less well put-together. I mean, I hate the comedy bad auditions on that show as much as the next person, but at least I can appreciate the narrative arc they're trying to create with heroes and villains and highs and lows and whatnot. By contrast, this so far has just been a constant stream of girls, some of whom can model, some of whom cannot, and there's very little to either get excited about or sneer at. Perhaps it doesn't help that "modelling potential" is far more subjective than "ability to sing", either. Either way, I just don't feel I'm getting anything from this process that I didn't get faster and more enjoyably last year when the selection process was about thinning down (no pun intended) 25 girls to 13 finalists. Essentially, in trying to fix something that wasn't broken, they've just made it worse.

Oh, they're still walking out of Glasgow, by the way. They're really taking their sweet time over this. Julien's belt is buckled at the back. These high-fashion people and their ways. Elle is snapped by the paparazzi as she leaves the arena.

After the ads, we're in London, where the auditions will be held at Stamford Bridge, home of Chelsea Football Club. An auditionee talks about how important it is to be unique and different. I don't think we see her again, so I doubt she turns out to be either of those things. Once again, Elle turns up in a swanky chauffered car all by herself, excited to see the girls that London has to offer. She thinks the people here have fantastic dress sense, which suggests that she probably does not spend a lot of time in Shoreditch. Grace and Charley arrive together, and Grace is excited to be in her home town, though warns us all that "this better be good." Incidentally, I was monitoring Twitter while watching the show (and frequently sending updates along the lines of "GET ON WITH IT") and Grace posted that she was "ill for London not my best day", so y'know, bear that in mind for the rest of the episode. Charley does a hilariously half-hearted "Chelseaaaaa!" chant in honour of their location.I don't think he goes to football matches very often. Julien arrives having obtained a couple of trophies from somewhere. It's best not to ask too many questions, perhaps.

In the holding room, girls are being measured, and some of them are proving too short for the show's minimum height requirement of 5'8", despite their best efforts at giving themselves big hair. One such girl interviews that she's just turned eighteen and was super-keen to get here, but concedes that there was always next year, and she might have grown by then. Not impossible, I suppose, but it might be a sensible idea to have a plan B, career-wise. Other girls practice their model poses in front of the mirror. Can we get on with it, please?

One classically good-looking girl with a giant afro declares "nothing scares me, this competition don't scare me, I'm just going to work my hardest, try my best, I think that will be enough." Another girl who claims to be "quite unique" (it's not something you can qualify, dear, you either are or you aren't) and "enjoy[s], like, modelling" thinks she's in with a chance. A very tall girl thinks she has the potential to be a model, and that she could be an asset to the competition. Charley asks them if they're tough enough for the industry, and one girl (seriously, NAMES already) says that she responds well to criticism. Asked to describe herself in three words, she says "creative and spontaneous". I'm not sure you're supposed to count the "and", love. She also urges the judges that while she might seem quiet, she's really fun. Grace asks her to catwalk, and Julien thinks she has a nice face, but is hiding it behind her hair. The next girl looks a lot like Victoria from cycle 9 of ANTM, and impresses Charley with her waggle. Elle asks her about her bra size, just because (34D, if anyone's interested). Another girl does some sort of spoken word piece which she has prepared in advance, but starts crying during the delivery of it. Grace worries that she doesn't have the thick skin required for the industry. Afro girl struts for the judges, and Julien thinks she's very sexy. She asks the judges if they want to see her without the afro, because as it turns out, it's a wig, and they declare her "cheeky". I'm FURIOUS, because now what am I going to call her? The artist formerly known as Afro Girl? [She had a weave under her wig. How hot must she have been? I can't even imagine...- Helen]

They're sent out again so the judges can chat. Elle likes them all; Grace didn't like any of them. Spoken Word Girl hopes to get through. Charley likes Spoken Word Girl and Creative And Spontaneous Girl. Julien also liked CAS Girl, because she's quite athletic, and Elle agrees that she was great. Grace disagrees, thinking she has "a funny little English face; she'd do nothing in photography". TAFKA Afro Girl thinks there was a lot of things that she wanted to say, but she was short of time. Elle suggests making them all walk once more, and Charley adds that they should make them all walk together. They do this, and Grace announces that they'll be putting through Cat (/Kat), aka Creative And Spontaneous Girl, and Little Miss Afro. Apparently that is her actual name. Elle wants to put through Ana, the Spoken Word Girl. Victoria Lookalike cries outside that she's "heartbroken". Eh.

Montage of girls trying to look interesting. There's the girl we've seen cartwheeling a million times already, and someone dancing. Julien heckles: "Step-ball-change, - I could do it better than that!" He gets up and demonstrates for everyone. This brings us to 18-year-old Melanie, otherwise known as Great TV. Melanie tells us that she has the walk and the personality, that she can do commercial, beauty and high-fashion, and she's the biggest competition in this room. She's also the biggest idiot in this room, but you probably didn't need me to tell you that. [She had the ability to do everything except put on false eyelashes credibly - Helen] In front of the judges, she tells them that she's a singer and dancer, and they'll never find anyone like her, because she is (say it with me now) "great TV, I'm sorry". A horrified-looking Grace asks her why she's so brilliant, and Melanie responds that she's creative, and as a dancer, knows how her body looks. She's passionate, and determined to perfect and finish things. Charley asks her if she thinks she might be too much, and Melanie insists that she's too much "in a good way". She walks for the judges, and Julien thinks she's been practising. Charley thinks she reminds him of Lois Lane from the original Superman films. Once Melanie and the other poor sods she was grouped with have been sent out, Julien says that he liked her, but she's not a model. Elle and Grace think she looks older than 18, with Grace saying emphatically "my arse!" They all agree that she'll do something, just not this. The girls are called back in, and told that none of them are through. Melanie cries that if they just give her a chance, etc etc. Grace tells her that she's got a big personality, but she's not modelling material, and that they're trying to help her by not putting her through, so that she can find what she is suited to. They're such humanitarians, this lot. I bet it had nothing to do with them not being able to stick her.

The morning continues, and the pickings are slim, and not in a model-esque way. Presumably, with all of this show's new-found X Factor leanings, we're just waiting for The One Good Contestant Who Turns Everything Around.

Adverts. Stephen Merchant's voice-over in those Barclays adverts annoys the hell out of me. "Oh look, my voice is dripping in irony. Life is wonderful when you're never sincere about anything." Fuck off.

On our return, Voice of Fearne reminds us that so far, London basically sucks. They line up some Sia for us on the soundtrack as 22-year-old Brenda from Uganda struts down the corridor, who has always wanted to be a model and believes that dreams can come true. Presumably she owns a few Gabrielle CDs. In the audition, Grace asks Brenda what special item she'd bring if she got through to the house - presumably this is for the radio spinoff, Model Island Discs. Brenda says she'd bring her Bible, because that would be her strength. This rings some alarm bells on the panel, and Charley asks her how she would cope with the more steamy and sensual shoots, because obviously anyone who reads the Bible is a frigid, humourless fun-sponge. Brenda says that she's done bikini shoots and spoken to her pastor, and determined that it all comes down to the mindset that you have when you're doing it. Elle is pleased that Brenda's not one of those Christians after all, and Grace thinks that since God gave Brenda her body, He wouldn't mind her workin' it. Brenda walks for them, and Charley likes how relaxed she is. Elle thinks she's very graceful. Julien thinks they might have found the new Alek Wek. Up next is a Tuffnuh lookalike, and Julien asks her how she'd feel if they shaved her hair off. She would be fine with it, which Julien takes to mean she'd do anything to win. Reason No 382 Why Elle Is Better Than Tyra Banks: Elle says, "Not anything. That makes them sound like they're really cheap and nasty." Then Elle does sexyface, and it's hilarious.

The girls go out, and Elle says that she likes Girl No. 5 because of her Tiffaliciousness. Charley says that he spotted a mile away that (sing-song) "that's somebody's favourite" - I don't quite know if he meant Tiffany must've been this girl's favourite because of the look, or that she would be Elle's favourite because she looked like Tiffany, but Elle takes it to mean the latter, and says that she doesn't know if the girl's a favourite, but she's definitely a contender. Outside, Tuffnuh Redux says that she was very nervous, but that there was a lot of smiling going on, so she's hopeful. Julien liked "the Bible girl", and Elle liked that she'd already discussed the potential conflicts with her pastor. Julien whinges that Bible-bashers are boring and "don't do anything", having not even remotely made a snap decision as soon as he heard the word "Bible" or anything. Elle calls him judgmental. Take the "judg-" part off, Elle, and you might be getting there.

Time to see who goes through. First is Jordan, the Tiffalike, and she screams with joy, so Elle says she's glad she put her through if she's that enthusiastic. The other girl going through, chosen for her looks and her elegance, is Brenda. Brenda cries, and thanks the judges. Elle says that she's a little bit worried, because it seems like there's a "heavy weight" on her. Brenda just sniffs that it's so good when someone says yes, because she's already had so many rejections from agencies, and she was wondering what was wrong with her. Grace tells her to stop, otherwise she'll set Grace off crying as well. I refuse to believe that Grace cries. I know she got a bit teary last season, but that was just CGI. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. As Brenda and Jordan embrace in the corridor, Grace remarks on how "real" Brenda's tears were, more real than anyone else in that room. Because their ability to cry is what matters. This is reality TV, after all. Brenda tells the cameras she has a bright future ahead.

There's a montage of girls who were apparently too boring to get any real airtime. One of them makes a call home, saying "I think I'm going to have to be a stable girl for the rest of my life. [Pinteresque pause.] No, they said yes! Tee hee!" Oh, cram it, Horsey. Elle decides it's time to break for lunch, at which point everyone goes to the services table and cracks jokes about how no one in fashion eats anything. Charley claims that, as a model, he just has a bread roll. And then presumably throws it up afterwards, because it's full of carbs. Julien has one piece of melon. No wonder he behaves like that - his brain is clearly starved.

After that, more auditions: Julien mocks a girl's arm-out pose, and he and Grace burst into an impromptu rendition of 'Stop! In The Name Of Love'. One girl comes up to kiss Charley, at which point all of the other girls in her group quickly follow suit. Another girl, who has claimed to be a typical Essex girl, is asked by Grace if she has a vajazzle. Elle, a mixture of curious and horrified, "what is that?" The girl explains, and Elle's all "oh yeah, I wear those", having apparently not quite understood.

Elle tells the others that she has a shoot tomorrow and is off, but she trusts them to be her eyes and ears. With that, she departs, but not before Julien cajoles her into doing "her best catwalk", which Grace describes as "Fiercey McFiercey". I don't think that's going to catch on.

Up next is 23-year-old Jessica, and due to her ADVANCED AGE it's her last chance to apply for the competition, and "realistically, her last chance to fulfill her dream of modelling". It's very bold of Voice of Fearne to suggest that this show and realism have any connection whatsoever. Anyway, we're getting a bit of Rihanna's 'Take A Bow' on the soundtrack, so there are going to be tears here, obviously. Jessica interviews that she's always felt that modelling was in her, and that her mum claims she could feel her stomping around in the womb. She wants to be iconic.

In the audition room, Julien likes Jessica's coat and is getting excited about her, but Grace insists that she takes it off. Jessica suggests that she could walk as she does so, and does a little strut down the makeshift-catwalk, taking her coat off and dragging it behind her. Grace does a Darth Vader-type "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and sighs that such things are the epitome of horrible, commercial catwalking. Oops. Julien wants to see her in her bikini, and calls her "Wonder Woman" when she takes her dress off. Jessica and chums are sent out, and the people in her group think she's definitely through, but Jessica doesn't want to count her chickens just yet. Julien thinks she has an incredible body and confidence, but thinks she's a bit mannish because her body is so athletic. However, Julien wants to show her to Elle. The girls are summoned back in, and Julien says they're looking for someone unique, and that person is..."Ms Dynamite, Jess." Jessica cries, and Julien tells her that she is "completely different", and Grace thinks she's "extraordinary, and that's what we're looking for." Jessica hugs the judges, and then goes out to break the good news to someone on the phone, because she hadn't told anyone she was auditioning.

That's it for today, and Julien reflects that it's good to find someone who's strong and confident, not just a bog-standard model. I'm calling it now: Jess makes Top 10 at the absolute most. Grace is quite happy with what they've found in London today. Montage of people who got through, most of whom we've already seen, but only about half of whom we actually have names for. I am not going to remember most of these people by the time we get to boot camp. Also: I'm guessing no one bothered to go out street-scouting in London, then?

Next week: BEAUTIFUL CARDIFF, where Julien goes street-searching, and Elle hits the road in Birmingham. More tears, and joy, but not Joy. Julien remains incoherent.

So that's it. I really, really don't care for this new format, but watching it a second time for recapping purposes did at least help a few names and faces stick in my mind. Not that they should be expecting anyone to watch it twice, admittedly. I think the next two weeks are going to be a bit of a slog, but hopefully once we get to boot camp and beyond, things will liven up a bit. New recapper Chris, of Monkseal fame, will be here to (cat)walk you through next week's show. See you then!

Coming soon...

Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model....
BINTM.
BINT model.
Bintmodel.

BINTMODEL!!!

This blog's going to write itself, isn't it?

Well, not entirely. Yes, Steve, myself and our newcomer Chris will be returning for the latest cycle which is officially coming soon. 4th July soon. That's mere weeks!

If the return of Bitching's Next Top Model isn't exciting enough for you, you can watch the trailer for the new series here.

If you can't watch it, all you need to know is that Grace looks FEE-ASS.

See you soon!