Catwalking away

Final Three! - 4th October 2010

Hello! Welcome to the final instalment of this “Cycle's” Bitching Next Top Model. I’ve never been entirely convinced about the live element of the final. What’s the point of having a panel of experts when the final decision is in the hands of the Great British Public ™?

Elle oh so convincingly told us “last week” that she couldn’t decide so it was in the hands of the public. We’ve been voting all week and it’s the voting that made me realise why we are having a live final.

Fifty Pence a vote.

What did you get for your fifty pence? You got a say in crowning the winner and a pre-recorded message from the girls. I’m not going to tell you who I voted for, but I think that you can probably guess. (She pronounced it “VERTED” and I heard every word she said, but I’m saying NO MORE.)

Live shows are a weird one though, sometimes the atmosphere is a bit lacking, sometimes there are technical hitches, but I’m sure that none of these will happen during the live final of Britain’s Next Top Model.

Hmmm.

And so, as always, to business. There’s an hour and a half of this!

We begin with some spooky music and “Thousands entered” on the screen. We are reminded that 25 made it into Fashion Academy. We see mug shots of those 25. Fourteen made it into the top model house, and now only three remain.

Tiffunuh! She’s got a new look and will be giving it all she can!

Joy! It’s her last chance and there’s no messing about!

Alisha! The others better watch out because the long fabled FIRE is coming.

They’re dressed in red, white and blue. Cos it’s Britain, innit.

Dave Berry, the man who is straight out of that Mary Whitehouse Experience sketch about people who talk in a sarcastic tone of voice, is presenting. He reminds us that this is the first ever live final, and the public will get to decide who wins.

He hasn’t shaved.

Last time titles! Bye Kirsty’s hair penis and Olivia’s horns! Bye Hannnah’s pout! Bye blonde Nicky!

Dave Berry introduces us to McFly who sing a song which just sounds like noise to me. They have some backing dancers. I wonder what the point of all this is until I see all of the contestants walk the runway in order of elimination holding balloons. Hannah mugs to the camera, but looks like she’s having fun. Rachelle looks fierce. Susan’s still doing her model face. Harleen gets about 3 seconds on camera. DELETE HER does a cute little shrug. Amba looks really different as does Nicky. Olivia doesn’t even get a few seconds. Amelia is a bit rubbish and I still can’t believe she made the final five. Finally, Charlotte does her irritating curtsey again.

The final three arrive, wearing blinged-up versions of their model academy uniforms. Everyone’s hair has grown LOADS and I think that we are still expected to believe they were in “KL” last week. They hold hands unconvincingly and sway in time to the music.

Oh, hang on, Dave’s back. He introduces himself and asks how everyone is doing. There’s an unconvincing scream. He looks at the audience and welcomes them to the party. I feel sad that I haven’t been welcomed. Oh well. He asks us to give it up for McFly and the Sugar Free dance troupe, and finally, the girls.

He reminds us that we have had thirteen weeks of competition and it’s time to crown the winner. Elle and the panel have put the decision in the hands of the public. He tells us that we’ve seen the girls briefly but we’ll be seeing more of them later on. Later on transpires to be ten seconds away, when he introduces us to the final three. Alisha’s doing her fake humble face again. Joy looks terrified and Berry does a fake laugh. Tiffunuh looks bemused.

Vote begging! VT division.

If Joy wins, she’d be over the moon. She’s been through so much, it’s been hard and amazing at the same time. She wants viewers to vote for her because he’s wanted to be a model since she was six and it would be fantastic to reach her goal.

Alisha thinks that the whole experience is every girl's dream. Not mine, Alisha. She’s been living, breathing and tasting that dream and she wants to continue. We should vote for her because throughout the competition the judges have given her criticism and she’s worked to improve every week. She believes she’s earned her place here and hopefully they can see top model in her.

Tiffunuh’s had an incredible experience on the show and she’s learned lots about herself and modelling. She didn’t think that she would make it this far and she’s pleased she’s come such a long way. We should vote for her because she’s always wanted it, from a very young age and to win would be the icing on the cake.

Dave tells us the girls are gorgeous. Even though I can see so with my own eyes I don’t believe him. He gives out the numbers. Yawn. There’s a big speech about not voting if you are watching on Living +1. How stupid do they think we are? [Well, we wasted 90 minutes of our lives on this shambles, so perhaps we shouldn't ask that question. - Steve]

Dave asks if we have a favourite yet? We’ve been voting all week, you chump.

Dave tells us he’s got the three piece suit, the skinny tie and the audience, but there’s something missing! Is it your rehearsal Dave? Or your Sincerity? No! It’s not something, it’s someone. Elle!

Charlotte thinks she’s FANTASTIC. Alisha thinks she looks amazing. Amba says “wow” when she sees her. Olivia was overwhelmed to talk to her. We see Tiffunuh’s hair crisis again! Thank you Top Model Gods. We see her comfort Amba again. Joy thinks she’s amazing. Amelia thinks that the girls all aspire to be like her. We see Elle crying over booting Charlotte out again. So why did you do it Elle? EH? EH? “What a woman” says Kirsty. Susan loves her.

And here she is. She does some catwalk in a long, gold sparkly dress. She’s about a foot taller than the Berry. He comes out and she says she was wondering where he was, but I think she means who. DB says Hello Elle like LOL. He must say that she looks amazing tonight. She thinks he does too. He goes all coy and says “this old thing”. Who chose him for this? I demand to know. Dave says that Elle must be awfully proud of the girls that have made it to the final. She tells “David” (snigger, henceforth he shall be known as David) that it has been phenomenal and a privilege to witness the journey of the girls, and to witness their courage and their willingness to reach their best in the competition. David reminds her that she’s had some help along the way from the judges, who have always had something to say and they didn’t always agree with each other. “Or me!” pipes up Elle. Oh David Berry, you wag.

Judges being bitchy VT!

We witness Kirsty telling us that Julien is her man, then telling her that she looks like Tina Turner on acid. Then we see him telling Alisha that she looks like a Curly Wurly , telling Amba she could turn him straight, Joy that her walk is terrible, Charlotte that she looks like she should be eating a pasty.

Grace’s turn. Rachelle thinks she’s terrifying. We witness her telling Kirsty not to interrupt Elle and the Ferrari line. Amba thinks she’s intimidating. We see her hugging Olivia, which is a bit outside the “Grace is a bitch” remit of this section but I’ll go with it. She tells Nicky to harden up.

Charley’s turn. Now, Charley has never said anything even remotely interesting as a judge, so instead we get a VT of all the girls saying how hot he is and shots of him looking hot.

Whatever.

They’re in the studio. They’ve all got tans that look like they are done with Ronseal. Julien appears to have had a perm. Grace is unrecognisable without her Fashion! Glasses! on and I really don’t remember her teeth being that bad. Charley is impeccably groomed and appears to have a bit of a Ready Brek aura about him.

David starts with Julien. He reminds him that it was his first time judging the show, then reminds himself that it’s everyone’s first time. David says that Julien has always had a lot to say and has never shied away from saying anything. Julien slurs that it’s a cruel world and sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. This is fashion and if you want to be a top model you’ve got to look like a top model. “In your face everyone!” cries David, incredulously.

David moves on to Grace, and asks her what her high points were. She says that jumping off a thirty foot building was definitely a high point. I remember it as 20 feet of scaffolding but nobody’s counting. I don’t actually recall her jumping off it, either, but I’ll let her off because it’s the final. Seriously though, mentoring the girls to this point is an experience you can’t repeat.

David reminds Charley that he’s a model and asks him how he would be feeling in the girls shoes. He would be feeling massive anticipation and excitement. There’s a lot of potential in modelling for travelling, meeting amazing people and doing exciting things is immense. He would be massively excited.

David reminds us that we’ve met the “Phenomena” that is Elle, as well as the judges. [I feel like there was a "phenomen-Elle" pun there just crying out to be made. - Steve] After the break we will see the final three strutting on the catwalk to the Saturdays. He doesn’t want us to take off our high heels, but we have to sit back and relax and he’ll see us in five. We briefly lose sound in the outro. Don’t make it a habit, telly team!

After what is actually a five minute ad break, including a good couple of minutes of Colleen Rooney, we return. We get a wide shot of the studio and it seems frankly a bit hollow, but no matter. David’s here to welcome us back. We’ve got the Saturdays and Tinchy Stryder still to come, as well as the finale catwalk show with some familiar faces for BNTM fans.

Please let it be RobbedJade rather than Fu*kingSophie.

We’ve got our audience! We’ve got the Judges! And the Body herself, Elle McPherson (hang on, isn’t she a judge?).

There’s only one thing left to do! It’s The Saturdays! Alisha, Joy and Tiffany will be walking.

The Saturdays do a song. It’s live and they’re not very good live. They do some catwalk and they are better than most of the finalists. The judges pretend to look interested. We see up Frankie’s skirt. (she’s the only one I know by the way). The other one that used to be in S Club Juniors has hooge boobies.

The finalists arrive! Alisha’s got a wedding type dress on. She does her weird snarl at the end of the catwalk but has managed to regain control of her arms. Joy next, wearing a short Union Jack dress. She’s obviously been practicing and gets a huge cheer. Tiffany’s in a long white gown too, and is easily the best of the three, though you didn’t hear that from me. All three of them walk together. Although Alisha’s got to grips with her arms she appears to have lost control of her chin. Oh well.

Pyrotechnics! We don’t see if Joy jumps or not.

David thanks The Saturdays, then asks Alisha to tell him BREIFLY how that felt. He’s been prepped, obviously. [On this, if nothing else. - Steve] She says it was AMAZING and she wants to do it again. He asks Joy how the nerves were for her. She says she’s been quite nervous but has enjoyed the rehearsals. She’s still shaking a bit but she feels great. David then asks Tiffunuh how it feels to be in the final. She didn’t even think she’d manage to get on the show so she’s thrilled to be in the final. Well done you, says David. I get the feeling we will be hearing how everyone is feeling a lot tonight.

Over to the judges. David tells Elle that she must be proud of the girls, and asks her why she decided to hand over the decision who wins to the public. She doesn’t say “because the producers wanted to make a whole heap of money”, she actually sticks to her story about not being able to choose. She has three beautiful girls that are very different and you can’t say that one is more beautiful than the other. Hang on, I thought this show was about having MODEL SKILLZ and not just about who was the prettiest, hasn’t that been drummed into us, like, a million times?

Elle does know, however, that the public count. We will be the ones buying the magazines and the products the girls are representing. She wants to honour us.

David then asks Julien what his favourite photograph of Alisha is. This will be fun. Alisha is in the final despite being very weak in the photographing stakes. He says that Alisha is a bootiful girl and has always been a supermodel in his eyes. Alisha doesn’t look humble, she looks vindicated. She’s been a joy and a pleasure to work with. He’s chosen the George Lamb shoot, but doesn’t refer to it.

Next, Charley is choosing a picture of Joy. He chooses the underwear shoot from week two because it shows such early promise. It shows that Joy has been owning pictures from the start more like. He likes the subtle seductively.

Grace’s favourite picture of Tiffunuh is also from the George Lamb shoot, though she can’t be sure if she’s being swayed by the presence of George. She’s picked it because she’s selling the clothes. Grace wants to be her in the photo.

David thanks the judges again. Which of the girls do you want to see on the catwalk and on billboards? It’s the numbers again, and that awkward thing where the camera is on the girls when the number is being read out. Alisha WINKS TWICE. Joy looks uncomfortable and Tiffunuh tries to look coy.

Don’t forget not to vote on plus one!

After the break, we’ll see how the girls got on when they did the photoshoot and they’ll be calling third place. No doubt the inevitable VT will be a chance for David to try and remember at least some of his lines and for Julien to have another drink.

We’re back!

David welcomes us back to the LIVE! FINAL! Apparently we have been tweeting and Facebooking by the bucket load. I bet none of my tweets get read out. They’re a bit rude. David reads awkwardly from a cue card. Stacey on Twitter wants Alisha to win because she wants a winner who will make us proud. It’s all in caps. Kelly Marie on Facebook wants Joy to do it for the Yorkshire girls. Sophie from who knows where is bigging up Tiff. [Steve on Twitter is saying various unbroadcastable things about Alisha. - Steve]

Numbers!

You can see Joy’s hipbones through her dress in her photo. I remember my hip bones. *sigh*

It’s been a busy week for the girls. They’ve been doing shoots for the final campaigns. The girls arrive for the make up shoot. Are they not allowed to say Revlon on Living TV then? Sarah Harper, the brand marketing manager says that being a top model is not just about having your photo taken, it’s also about working with the client and she wants to see how the girls portray the brand. Hair and makeup montage!

Joy’s really excited. It’s obviously really important to do well in this. Sarah sees a real difference in Joy. The first time she was relying on her beauty but now she’s really listening to the client and the photographer.

This is all now, says Alisha. Whatever that means. The photo from this shoot will go out for the winner and will be seen by the agencies and bookers. Alisha wants them, when they see her photos, to say that they want her. Sarah thinks she’s come along, but she was impressed with her the first time around. She likes her personality a lot and that benefit’s the photos.

Tiffunuh finally. She’s thrilled with everything that’s happened on the show, every single shoot and everyone she’s met. It’s truly been the best experience of her life. Sarah thinks Tiffunuh did really well. She’s progressed since she last saw her, she’s up there with models that have been doing it for years and she’s really impressed.

Cover shoot next. Victoria White of Company Magazine reminds us that the winner is going to be on the cover as part of the prize. The shoot is probably the most important day of the series for them. Perhaps that’s for them to decide, Victoria? It’s our last hair and makeup montage people! Lets have a moments silence.

…

Joy thinks that it would be overwhelming, strange and brilliant to be on the cover of Company Magazine. Victoria thinks she’s a mystery and will have to bring an extra something, but she’s got a great look. Tiffunuh thinks she’s really lucky to be shooting the cover because the winner will be shown everywhere and that’s incredible. Victoria thinks that Tiffunuh looks different from the last time she saw her so she’s looking forward to seeing how her pictures turn out. Alisha thinks that the fact they are doing the shoot and whoever wins is going to be on the cover of “The Company Magazine” is so overwhelming that she feels like she’s been waiting for this her whole life. No, it didn’t make any sense to me either. She can’t wait to get on set and kill it. Victoria thinks that Alisha has a fantastic, strong, directional look and she’s excited to see how she’s going to look.

They all looked amazing to David, but it’s time for Elle and the judges to do their thing and give individual evaluations.

Alisha is first. She’s wearing a gold stripy dress with massive shoulder pads. She holds hands with David who professes to be more clammy than her. Is clammy another word for slimy? David asks if she thinks the shoot went well for her. Alisha says that she enjoyed it and put in her all so fingers crossed. David thinks it shows. Do we really believe for a second he’s been watching?

Before we’ve seen the pictures, David asks Elle if they work for her. She saves it though, buy saying that she looks phenomenal and she’s grown so much that she can’t wait to see her best shots.

The beauty shot is good, but the cover shot is vintage Alisha. Fab body and dodgy face. Never the two working together. Elle thinks she looks like a superstar. Julien is now talking in indistinct words as they are all slurring into the other. Apparently she has the face of an angel and a body to die for. That’s double death, Julien. He could just eat her. [That's funny - I suspected Julien was on something all night, but not anything that would give him the munchies. - Steve] She giggles at this. Grace thinks she has the body of a panther but she looks like a little lamb on the cover shoot which shows that she can do lots of different things. Grace also points out the softness in the beauty shot which shows she can be fierce and pretty. Charley thinks the beauty shoot shows both serenity and inner strength, which is pretty profound for eye candy. He thinks the cover shot shows that she can do it all. Elle says that they all agree that these photos are the best of her. She started off as someone who was aggressive and wanted it so much that it was actually scary and a bit threatening but she’s intriguing, sexy and beautiful in these shots. They’re proud of her.

David says that we’ve heard from the judges, but now it’s time to hear what the real people in her life think. He warns Alisha that she may need a tissue. So does Charley. Every week. Fnar.

It’s a going back home segment! Great. So, in the last week, the girls have flown back from Malaysia, grown their hair, done two shoots and been home? We’re still meant to believe this? We see Alisha coming up her drive, then talking in her bedroom wearing what appears to be a ballgown about how great it is to be home with her family and friends. She tells us that her family is close knit and everyone loves each other, but they obviously love her the best. An unidentified member of her family tells her that she’s wonderful on TV and Alisha pretends to cry. Alisha’s mum, Sharon, tells us that when Alisha said that she was going to be on Britain’s Next Top Model she was really proud, as they sit flicking through her portfolio at the kitchen table. Alisha says that she looks like her mum in one of the photos and her mum looks doubtful. Alisha tells us that her mum has been her rock from the beginning and when she watches her watching the show her whole face lights up.

Still just back from “KL” are we?

Alisha’s mum tells us that she’s always wanted to be a model and she’s always had that flair and we see some pictures of wee Alisha. We next see Alisha in said ballgown playing Frisbee with her little brother in the garden. Qwade tells us how nice it is to have her sister back because she can do stuff again with him. He’s proud of her because she’s wanted this for a long time and now her wish has come true.

We see a letter written by Alisha with a younger picture of her on it. It reads “When I am old I want to be a model like Tyra Banks. She’s so lucky she doing her dream, I want to that’s so not fair. Anyway, back to me my friends are the best we’ve even got a crew name the IBC crew. It stands for Independent Black Chicks”. I can’t help but think that this might be her application letter rather than a long forgotten teenage missive.

Her little brother has missed her really really a lot. She wants to win to show him that you can do whatever you want in life. We cut to an inset of a sobbing Alisha and her mum wishing her luck and no matter what happens tonight she’s their shining star and she’s done well to be in the final three. Good luck, they’re rooting for her. Qwade thinks she’s Britain’s Next Top Model and he loves her so much and hopes she wins. Some more family members wish her all the best.

Alisha is sobbing in the studio. David asks her, if she can talk, how it feels to have that kind of support. David obviously hasn’t been watching. Alisha can always talk. Oh no! She can’t! Series first!

Next up, it’s Joy. There’s a tech fault, five seconds of silence and some spontaneous applause before Joy arrives wearing a black sparkly dress. David (surprise!!) asks her how she’s feeling. Joy’s feeling good. She’s a bit URRR. David explains that IS a word. Over to the judges. Elle asks if she’s nervous, because she is. Joy says that she’s a mixture of nervous and excited. It’s weird and she thinks she might be dreaming. Elle says she’s excited to show the best shots. Joy looks really different in her beauty shoot, but in a good way, and the cover shot looks like a cover. Elle thinks that she looks like different girls in each shot but she’s beautiful. Elle thinks she’s come really far because when the show first began she was beautiful and fragile but now she seems really confident, mature, secure and a bit French. Julien thinks “Ooh la la”, and that she’s really versatile and that is “a great asset about becoming a top model”. Time to stop the sherry, Julien. He thinks she looks sophisticated and mature. Her cover shot is fashion and fashion is Joy! Joy to the world! (Coffee for MacDonald!). Joy laughs out loud at this. I love her. Grace isn’t sure how to follow that. Grace is happy that Joy’s let her in in her beauty shoot. She sees a beguiling, beautiful woman, not a scared girl. In the cover shoot, she’s made pretty beautiful and she’s very proud. Finally, Charley loves both of them and he thinks it works well that she looks like a different person in every shot.

David doesn’t know if he can handle another going home VT, but they’ll do it together. Joy arrives home dressed in very normal clothes and it’s a bit of a shock after the groomed Joy we’ve just seen. She thinks it’s weird coming home, it’s a bit surreal seeing everyone after a long time. Joy’s boyfriend says it’s been amazing watching her on television every week. Joy’s boyfriend is more than a bit fit. His name is Alex and it’s all a bit weird for him as he’s never known anyone that’s been on a TV programme before. Joy says that Alex is dead proud of her and he’s been very supportive of what she’s doing.

A small child then comes in and says that when Joy came home she was really happy because she loves her and misses her. It’s her super cute little sister Krystal! Joy thinks it’s important to be a role model to her little sister because when she’s older she can take a lesson off her about pursuing what she wants to do. Krystal thinks her sister is a good model because she’s really pretty. We see photos of Wee Joy and she tells us that modelling has always been her passion and being in the final makes her want it even more.

Joy’s mum Diane thinks that she deserves to win because it’s always been a dream of hers and she’s worked so hard. She can’t put into words how proud she is. We then see Joy arrive at her local to cheers and she says that being able to change her and her family’s life would be like a dream. Alex wishes her luck, and tells her that he’ll always be her number one. Krystal also wishes her luck and tells her she’s the bestest sister in the world. Her mum also wishes her luck and god bless. There’s also a cheer from the pub. Joy’s smiling when they come back, and we get one more look at her fit boyfriend in the audience. David wishes her luck too.

Finally, it’s Tiffunuh. She’s missing the sides of her dress. David asks her how she found the final shoot. Tiffunuh thinks it was amazing and she enjoyed every single minute of it. Elle loves Tiffunuh’s new hair, which is brown and significantly longer than it was in KL last week. We see her shots. She looks a lot like an alien in her beauty shoot and she’s doing a weird hand over her head thing on the magazine cover. Elle loves the hair/eye/freckle combo. She pays tribute to all of her different hairdos, paying particular attention to the blonde hair and roots combo she was sporting last week. Elle says she’s made it all work and she’s been such a pro and they love her. Over to “Jules” who says Tiffunuh can ring his bell any day. He thinks she’s gorgeous and a top model. He thinks she’s got falcon eyes and the Maltese girl has arrived. I think he meant to make a Maltese Falcon joke there, but he’s a bit too pissed to do it. Grace thinks that versatility is not the word, and her hair proves it. Tiffunuh works like a machine and can do it all, but Grace misses her Factory Girl with the blonde hair. She thinks that Tiffunuh should change it up all the time because out of everybody, she can do it. Charley briefly, which seems to be his new name, likes both of them and her brown hair. Great insight there, Charley.

David then tells us that they have crossed the Mediterranean sea to meet her friends and family, and we get some insight into the world of Tiffunuh. So now we are expected to believe that Tiffunuh made a journey home as well as all the other stuff since last week? She tells us that although she lives in Malta the UK is her second home, presumably to convince the public that she’s not a forrin and is well qualified to be Britain’s Next Top Model. This is probably because an explanation of Commonwealth is above us. Her mum is from Wolverhampton and she was baptised there. This goes a little way in explaining the accent, but not enough for my liking. Tiffunuh has missed all of her friends and family whilst she’s been away. It’s nice to be back. Peter and Jill, her mum and dad are glad to have her back. Tiffunuh tells us her mum and dad have supported her all the way. We meet Tiffunuh’s boyfriend Jeremy, who is punching well above his weight. He tells us that since she’s been away he’s really missed her. Tiffunuh tells us how supportive he’s been. He says he didn’t mind her being away because she was doing something she’s always wanted to do. Tiffunuh’s sister, Joanna, who is also gorgeous, says that they’ve watched the show since the beginning and to see Tiffunuh on it is amazing for her and everyone that loves her. Good luck messages from Jeremy, Joanna and her mum and dad. RoboTiff doesn’t shed a tear though.

David reminds us that the winner is in our hands, and wants to hear it for all the finalists. He then leers into the audience and finds Hannah, first week walker. He asks how she is. She’s fine and asks the same of David who thinks it’s lovely to see it. He asks her if it’s nice to be back and to see the others. She says it is. It reminds me of one of those videos of hostages where they are reading from a card about their captors treating them well. David asks her if she has any regrets. She says that she still has all her hair and nobody saw her nipples so everyone won in the end. I love Hannah a little bit. She’s had a few wobbles but she’s pleased with her decision. Dave whispers that she should try and enjoy herself.

Charlotte next. She gets a massive cheer and makes a supremely irritating love heart hand gesture. “So near, yet so far” remarks David. Nice. He doesn’t want to ask her how she’s feeling, but he does anyway. She says she’s feeling great. She’s done her best, she’s smiled all the way through, it’s great to be here and it’s great to see the three finalists. Charlotte reaffirms my belief that supremely cheerful people are not to be trusted. Amelia sits beside her with a face like thunder.

Vote Freeze! They’re going to find out who has received the least votes and will be walking in tonight’s finale catwalk. I think you’re missing a “Who” there David. Never mind! Moving swiftly on, it’s the finalists again.

David rushes to his spot, and starts talking about feelings again, but he’s sure that they just want to get on with it, so it’s over to the judges.

Elle thinks it’s terrible to sit waiting. David asks if there are any final messages of support from the judges. Elle loves all of them and they are all winners in her eyes. Is Julien satisfied to see how far they’ve come? Julien reminds us that he’s worked with every supermodel ever and has three potential ones in front of him, but there can only be one winner. He wishes them luck. Is it fair to say, Grace, that they all have a future? Grace asks David if he has eyes and he replies that he’s trying to keep them above the neckline. They’re as bright as Elle’s dress is gold apparently. Should the girls be proud, Charley? They’ve all come so far and have their individual strengths and they will definitely all work. David then asks Charley, as a model, because Elle’s not, if rejection is part and parcel of the work. Charley looks alarmed and David has to tell him that he is still his handsome puppy. Should they take rejection on the chin and move on? Charley thinks that it will only make them stronger. You can’t take it personally when your look doesn’t suit a job. Elle doesn’t think there’s any rejection going on. There is Elle. In about ten seconds.

The girls all hold hands, but only two will take part in the finale. Vote count speech. The first girl through, in no particular order is Alisha. She immediately pretends to cry and lets go of Joy’s hand. Her chin goes again.

It has to be Joy next,

Doesn’t it?

Please?

No, it’s Tiffunuh. They both hug Joy who tells them not to worry. They walk down the catwalk and Joy is left to have David ask her (SURPRISE) how she’s feeling. She’s been brilliant to watch. She has enjoyed everything, she’s a bit gutted, but she’s OK. Alisha wouldn’t have taken it like that. She’s happy to hear that there’s champagne waiting backstage and we get a look at her best bits. I think there should be another hour long show devoted to Joy’s best bits, but I don’t think I’ll get it. David is cut off mid sentence by said Best Bits which include Joy waving her shorn ponytail, dancing, flinching in the Beyonce advert and saying how lucky she is to have the experience. We come back to Joy muttering “can I go?” [Oh Joy. Fabulous to the very end. You were so robbed. - Steve] David thanks her for her hard work and she goes.

David says to Elle that it must have been hard to say goodbye. Elle remarks that she’s a control freak whilst Grace giggles, so to have the surprise of Joy leaving is a bit emotional. I knew it!! Elle loves Joy too. Elle’s sure Joy will work. David reminds her that there are two amazing girls in the final. Julien gives a speech about how there can only be one winner, but it makes no sense so I won’t try to replicate it here. [And at this point, my boyfriend and I started powervoting for Tuffunuh, to ensure Alisha was stopped. And her recorded message was just the best. 'Thunk yur fur culling Brutun's Nuxt Tup Mudul. Yur huv vutud fur Tuffnuh." Hee hee hee. - Steve]

We come back to David talking. Elle is adjusting her dress and Grace is picking her teeth in the background. I’m so glad the live show is running so smoothly. We are told that there will be previous finalists and winners in the final catwalk show walking to Tinchy Stryder. David tells us you won’t want to miss that, but what you may have missed is Elle lifting up her skirt to the waist behind him and adjusting her microphone pack.

Professionalism FTW.

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Back in the studio, I hope the judges have all got themselves sorted. David gives us another Twitter/Facebook roundup. Natalie thinks that Tiffunuh is a quirky fashionista on Facebook. Emma on Facebook thinks that Alisha is already a winner and thanks to the likes of Sophie and Alice, #bntm is trending on twitter. David says this like David Dimbleby on Question Time. The difference being David is on Twitter. I follow him. He knows what this stuff means.

It’s time for Alisha and Tiffunuh’s final challenge! They will be joined on the catwalk by Lucy, Lauren and Alex and last years finalists, RobbedJade and Fu*kingSophie with the current title holder, Meica Simpson all accompanied by Tinchy Stryder.

Tiffunuh and Alisha descend from the ceiling. They both have Rocky Horror Magenta hair. Tiffunuh from the beginning and Alisha from the finale when she’s about to launch the house. They’re dressed like kids being Lady GaGa for Halloween. Alisha stomps down the catwalk and sneers. Tiffunuh looks a bit bored.

I’d forgotten about Lucy. She’s pregnant and looks amazing. Lauren is Teenier than I remember and looks a bit Nikki Graeme. Alex has filled out a bit and happily, so has Jade. Fu*kingSophie still makes me want to break my television and Meica appears to be walking at a 45 degree backward angle.

Tiffunuh and Alisha get another go. Tiffunuh’s wig has fallen down but she’s a pro. More pyrotechnics!

David wants to know how they’re feeling again. It was wicked. Tiffunuh enjoyed it and she could do it all the time. Elle’s proud of them both and they blew her mind. From a stylist’s point of view, Grace thought they rocked it to the moon and back. They don’t look like them but they have killed it. As a designer, Julien thinks that Alisha looks like a rocket moon woman. Nurse!

As Tiffunuh’s wig falls off, Charley tells them that they are different girls from the beginning. Sharp insight from Charley there, yet again.

David reminds Alisha and Tiffunuh that they have done everything they possibly can but their fate is in the hands of the public. After the break - The winner! Thank goodness for that. Is this on forever?

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David welcomes us back as the previous contestants try not to look at the camera. Only Olivia manages because her hair is preventing it. David then tells us he’s going to speak to some people who know exactly how it feels then swiftly adds “to their daughters”. First of all we see Sharon, Alisha’s mum. David wants to know how she’s feeling. She’s proud and no matter what happens, Alisha is a winner. David then introduces himself to Tiffunuh’s mother, Jill. He wants to know how it feels to have her daughter in the final. Jill thinks it’s surreal that her daughter could be Britain’s Next Top Model. SO DO I!! She’s so proud.

David wants us to agree that this series has been the best yet, with the toughest challenges, amazing photoshoots and amazing locations. He misses out the fact that it seems to have finally been given a befitting budget. We’re taking a look back over the series!

Model Bus! Judges! That one falling over! Elle! Blazer Elimination! Amelia’s neck rash! Jumping into pools! Gold catsuits! Undies! Miquita Oliver! Hair Trauma! Bitching! Chocolate! Beyonce! Aleesha flipping Dixon! Joy swearing on live television! Hollyoaks! Ice! Hats! Falling! George Lamb! Rugby boys! Malaysia! Elimination fakeout! More pool jumping! Jimmy Choo! Durian fruit! Heat! Eliminations! Hannah! Rachelle! Susan! Harleen! Delita! Amba! Nicola! Kirsty! Olivia! Amelia! Charlotte! The finalists!

Oh, it has been fun, hasn’t it?

Alisha and Tiffunuh come back in with Elle in crepe frocks. Tiffunuh in yellow and Alisha in green. David wants to know one last time how they are feeling. Alisha is overwhelmed and thankful to be there and whatever the decision, she’ll be happy. LIAR! Tiffunuh is honoured to be there and thanks the judges for the opportunity and wishes Alisha all the best. David wants to know how Elle is feeling. She’s proud and nervous for them. Everyone’s performed so well.

One girl is about to be crowned Britain’s Next Top Model. It’s the last time Elle will be doing this this season. So there are no AusNTM style errors, the winners photograph will appear on a screen in ten seconds.

It’s TIFFUNUH!

Cue much screaming. Alisha’s gracious loser face is everything I wanted it to be. David reminds her that she’s got a good career ahead of her. She’s had a fantastic time and she wants to thank everyone who’s supported her. She wants to thank her fans for voting for her and she will continue to push the dream and make everybody proud.

David wants to know how Tiffunuh feels being Britain’s Next Top Model. She can’t believe it. She can’t get her words out easily, but she wants to thank everyone that voted, the production team who have made it possible and the judges because without them she wouldn’t be there and also thanks her friends, family and boyfriend.

David then asks Elle if she thinks the public have chosen well. She says “The public have chosen, and I have loved every second working with you both”

That’s a no then, is it Elle?

She congratulates them both and says they are both winners to her.

It’s Tiffunuh’s best bits! Nicky loves her, Julien thinks she’s a sex bomb, Nicola Roberts is impressed. Everyone loves Tiffunuh. She hasn’t really put a foot wrong, has she. Where’s the journey? You can’t eke out a haircut over all of the episodes as a hurdle.

Everyone fades from the picture because Tiffunuh is the winner. David’s pleased he read out the right name.

Except, it wasn’t his job to read the winner out.

Oh well.

It’s been a night to remember, says David. Yes it has. I hope they remember tonight when they’re deciding whether to do a live final next year. Auditions start next month everyone!

So we bid you goodbye for this cycle. May I thank you all on behalf of myself and Steve for reading. We hope you have enjoyed reading as much as I have enjoyed writing.

Until Cycle Seven, goodbye!