Birds of prey

Top 11: 15th August 2011

Previously on BintModel: makeovers! Julien, in his increasing lunacy decided it would be a good idea to give Anastasija pink hair, while Charley in his increasing disinterest decided it would be a good idea to do literally nothing to Ufuoma, and she was subsequently sent home. Also: Elle lectured Anastasija on the importance of finding the right balance of nakedness and Chipmunk gave them a private performance. I'm surprised he agreed to do that, but I guess now the show has Murdoch Money behind it, they can afford a bit more money for the purchasing of souls.

Coming up tonight: feathers are flying and the claws come out, and then after Tanya and Anastasija have finished arguing, the girls will be going on a falconry-themed shoot. Also, Alek Wek watches Juste fall over repeatedly, and Amy gets off with someone much to the disgust of Anastasija, who is both a bitch and a puritan. I am so grateful for Anastasija, because in a series of disappointments, she is the gift that keeps on giving. I hope she wins.

Titles. Seriously, these are just the actual worst things I have ever seen. You can actually see the confusion in the girls' eyes, especially Holly. The only people who even come close to actually looking like they have any presence are Hannah and Imogen, and even then it's a bit of a stretch.

We begin with Stacey whining about how it wasn't a nice feeling to be in the bottom two with Ufuoma, because she's a "big character" in the house, as opposed to Stacey, who is so criminally tedious that she keeps turning invisible amongst the strip lights and magnolia walls of the holding room. Fortunately we don't dwell on Stacey too long, because Elle appears, wearing a sensible turtleneck (so the girls have clearly been sat there twiddling their thumbs for ages while she went off to get changed) and saying she's very proud of everyone. Except that useless cow Ufuoma, obviously. (I'm speaking in character as Elle here, just to clarify. Love you, Ufuoma! Call me!) Elle tells the girls she's very glad they've all got their bags, and asks if they know why? They don't, of course, because they're mostly idiots. Sadly, instead of announcing that she's sending everyone home and cancelling the rest of the series, Elle instead informs the girls that they're all off to the airport, because they're working in Ireland tomorrow. SCREAM! IRELAND! THAT'S WHERE LOUIS WALSH LIVES!

The girls are taken to the airport and board a plane; while some of them celebrate with cheapo inflight booze, an unimpressed-looking Anastasija dons a sleep mask and grabs 40 winks. The plane lands in darkness, but suddenly it's broad daylight and we're at a lovely-looking country hotel with soft lilting Irishy music playing in the background. The models wander up the gravel path, and are greeted by Yvonne Keating, who seems to have some sort of hold over this show.[It's almost as if one of them slept with someone...oh. - Helen] Jade describes Yvonne as "looking beautiful", even though she kind of looks like she's auditioning to play the mum from My Parents Are Aliens. Because this show considers its audience to be a bunch of dribbling simpletons, Hannah informs us that Yvonne Keating is Ronan Keating's wife (because that's far more important to her role on this show than the fact that she is a PROFESSIONAL MODEL. I mean, I know the very existence of this entire series is one giant failure for feminism, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST) and we get a flashback of Elle meeting them at the auditions, just in case we're deaf as well as thick.

Yvonne (who is actually credited as "Yvonne Keating, model" in this shot, but the damage is already done, thank you very much) welcomes the girls to Carton House, and tells them that Elle has asked her to look after them, because apparently not one of this show's four judges could make it along to supervise this task. She tells them that a top model must embrace her surroundings and show versatility, then holds out her arm and a...falcon? Hawk? I dunno, some sort of bird of prey lands on her arm. This is quite distressing for Hannah, who admits she's afraid of pigeons. Yvonne tells them this is a good time to overcome their fears, and introduces their top photographer for the week, Barry McCall, and sends them off to get made up. Yvonne reminds us unnecessarily that the big thing today is the birds, and trying not to get distracted by them. Thanks Yvonne, but I think we all got that as soon as the bird appeared.

Juste is the first to be photographed, and is wearing a bizarre headpiece that gives her two giant blue antlers, basically. Actually, the styling on this shoot is pretty awesome: it's all sort of steampunk regency stuff, if that's an actual thing, which it probably isn't. (It's not - Chris) Juste is instructed to position herself on the stairs, which worries her because she thinks it won't give her much room to move. The bird doesn't like Juste much and starts flapping, so Juste leans far back and pulls a variety of comedy faces. Yvonne tells her that even though it's scary when the bird does that, it looks good, so Juste just has to get over it. Juste eventually gets over her ornithophobia and learns to be fierce. Yvonne's impressed that Juste managed to put her fears aside as soon as the photographer started shooting. Outside, Juste starts telling Hannah all sorts of bird-themed horror stories about being whacked in the face with the wings, just to enhance Hannah's Tippi Hedren complex.

Holly's in next, posing on a seat in the middle of the room, and via confessional she relates that she was holding the bird quite close to her, and it looked like it was about to fly away, but it didn't - it just pooed on her dress. Everyone's a critic, I guess. "It just missed Yvonne," Holly tells us. Meanwhile, the bird is thinking "well, one out of two's not bad. I've got plenty of time to get the redhead later." Holly points out that this was a bit of a problem for the stylist, as this dress cost around £5,000. We see some poor woman wiping up the birdshit from Holly's dress with some tissues. So much for the glamour of high fashion. (Tyra would have booted Holly for that. As a MODEL it is your JOB to protect the PRODUCT - Chris) Having been de-pooped, Holly admits that she needed a lot of direction to begin with, and Yvonne tells her that she needs to give much more attitude. Barry keeps yelling "stronger! Stonger! A bit more!" at her, which isn't a good sign.

Next is Anastasija, who says she wasn't scared at all. Of course not. In Soviet Russia, birds fear you! Anastasija poses haughtily with the bird, and looks fabulous. The bird starts nibbling at her fingers, and she doesn't even flinch. Peculiarly, Barry stops taking pictures at this point to check that Anastasija is fine (she is, obviously) and yet the soundtrack still has continues shutter noises. Who is taking all these pictures? It's not Barry. Yvonne and Barry marvel at Anastasija's professionalism. Anastasija interviews: "I just said to myself, it's nothing, it's not a tiger, it's not going to eat you all!" Indeed. [*remembers Jade ANTM kissng that beetle that time* - Helen]

Boring Stacey is next. She's dressed all in black with a black feathery fascinator, giving her the look of Narcissa Malfoy. She appears to be doing a good job, though, and takes direction well. Yvonne is impressed by how her face pops out - not literally, I hope. Hannah and Jade are watching, as are Juste and Jessica, and afterwards Jade tells Stacey that she looked amazing. Stacey replies that she felt so confident compared to the last shoot.

Jessica's next, and her set is insane: she's perched on a plinth in an alcove with a pile of logs beneath her, and a smoke machine firing over them. I can't quite decide if this is an advantage or a handicap, but it does seem to be a significantly more elaborate set-up than anyone else gets. Jessica says that she liked her shoot, and she was very strong and moody in it. She's kind of clenching her teeth a lot though. Juste, who appears to just be around watching everybody else all day (girlfriend really needs to take up knitting), can't help noticing there's a lot going on in Jessica's shoot. Jessica exits her shoot with good feedback from Yvonne and Barry, but is cornered outside by the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil. I bet this is why the producers schedule them in for the early slots of the shoot, because it gives them all day to just hang around playing mind games with their competitors. Incidentally, Anastasija's hair (which is leftover from her shoot styling) basically looks like a candyfloss penis. Anyway, Jessica explains that the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil gave her really awful feedback. Why on earth she's listening to either of them, I don't know, but the Top Model House's very own bloodthirsty hawks tell her that she should have done more in the shoot because the bird was just sitting there. Jessica's self-esteem crumbles, and the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil congratulates itself on a job well done. [I can't believe they showed Juste smoking, by the way. Chain Smoking. - Helen]

Jade arrives for her shoot, interviewing that she felt fine and confident on her arrival. She too has a smoke machine. She's trembling a little bit as the handler places the bird on her shoulder. Jade interviews that she just tried to focus on her face and forget about the bird. Barry and Yvonne seem happy with the results. Hannah is next, and is not exactly thrilled to discover that the bird has to fly in and land on her arm for her shoot. She seems to be coping reasonably well; Yvonne tells her not to flinch, and Hannah adopts the Jade tactic of just staring straight ahead and ignoring the bird entirely (Which was also my tactic on dates as a teenager - Chris). She is, however, planting her chin somewhere in the middle of her oesophagus, which doesn't escape Yvonne's notice. Yvonne tells Barry that there are always some girls who don't deliver (uh oh) and Hannah clearly just froze when the bird was brought in.

Imogen's next, and interviews that the bird didn't like her. It might not be you, Imogen, it might be the fact that the bird knew they were going to soundtrack this section with OLLY FUCKING MURS and threw a tantrum accordingly. Imogen's pretty good in the face of adversity and doesn't seem too put out by the bird acting up, although she's looking very pale, and not in a good way. Barry thinks he's got the shot, however. Imogen wanders off-set afterwards and tells Jade and Holly (apparently the Eastern Europen Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil saw no profit in trying to mess with Imogen's mind - draw your own conclusions) that the probably was that it was a female bird, and that a male bird would've liked her. This is true: females are entirely incapable of working together in a professional capacity, anyone who watches The X Factor knows that.

Witchy Amy is up next, saying that she's been hoping for an editorial shoot every week, but every week so far (of the two whole weeks that they've done), it's been a natural beauty sort of shoot. She says that she really wanted to impress the judges and show them she can work a different style of shoot. Tanya's after her, and just about everyone turns up to watch this one (Juste is smoking a cigarette and scowling ♥). Barry instructs Tanya to lift the bird up, which she appears to be struggling with. Yvonne asks if her arm is sore, and Tanya nods. Jade interviews that throughout the shoot, the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil were bitching about Tanya and calling her fake. Anastasija backs this up in an interview: "The more I'm watching her, the more I realise that she's really fake." Juste (whose dark crop is totally working for her, by the way - she looks like a really hot man) bitches to Imogen that "she's so not cool with us and then she pretends in front of the judges, you know, it confuses everyone, and then she wins. It's so unfair." Imogen agrees that "she's extremely good at being fake." After the shoot, Yvonne admits that she's disappointed in Tanya. Tanya goes over to the girls, and Juste asks her snottily if she thinks she'll have the best picture this week. Tanya says that she hopes she will. Juste bitchterviews that she doesn't like Tanya, because she always says that she's the best. I'm no Tanya apologist, but what exactly should she have said in that situation? Back on the scene, Juste tells Tanya "from the other girls what I've seen, it's not going to be the best picture." Tanya interviews that there is tension, and that the other girls might perceive her as a threat. It's odd that they're bitching about her being the best "again" - didn't Jessica get first call out last week anyway?

After the commercials, we're back at Model Mansion. Imogen interviews that they got back from Ireland and had a chillout day. Not for long, however, as we see Charley pull up outside in a posh car carrying champagne. Inside, the doorbell rings and Imogen rushes to answer it. Brilliantly, I'd swear there's at least a two second pause after Imogen opens the door before she even works out who he is. Charley comes in to speak to them all, and they make some smalltalk about Ireland. Charley asks if he'll be impressed with all of them, and Hannah tells him that they think they've all done their personal best, but it's hard to tell how that will compare to everyone else. Charley says that the quality level is up there, and they're getting good shots. He then awkwardly segues into the fact that he's invited some of his "fellow models" over for "a little soirée". Apparently all of that quasi-pimping they had him doing in Glasgow was just a warm up act for tonight. Charley tells them to talk to the models and get some advice, because they're current and they're working. He's trying not to giggle throughout, because he knows exactly why the producers are planning to fill the house with male models tonight, and it has nothing to do with enhancing these girls' CVs. Then he scarpers. Charley Speed: Worst Pimp Ever.

The girls get all dressed up and return to the living room, which has been set up as a bar in their absence, complete with two chaps mixing cocktails for them. MODELS! DRINKING! DRINKING MODELS! The doorbell rings. Hannah opens the door to reveal a rakish type who looks like he needs a good wash. Mercifully, he does appear to be followed by several people who are somewhat more attractive. Tanya interviews that upon the arrival of the male models, the girls were acting like they'd never seen boys before. Imogen interviews that they were all good-looking (illustrative shot of The Great Unwashed - why focus on this one? Is my taste really so out of touch that this is what everyone finds attractive these days and I just don't get it?). Everyone gets drunk, and the boys start showing off (read: gaying it up) on the in-house catwalk. Imogen tells us that "Will" was really good looking (shot of really ripped guy taking his shirt off, with overall effect slightly ruined by crap tattoo), and that he probably hits the gym every day. I think she might have actually been drunk when she did this interview. Even if not, with Ufuoma gone, I appreciate Imogen's commitment to actually giving us entertaining confessionals - which means she'll probably be sent home in the next few weeks. Witchy Amy interviews that she fancied all of them apart from two, and there was one guy that she spoke to more because they were into the same sort of music. Guess who? Yep, The Great Unwashed. TGU tells the cameras that "this emo kid [Witchy Amy, obviously] is nuts!" and kisses her head. Witchy Amy interviews that he was totally her type because he had tattoos and piercings. Anyone surprised by this? Nope, me neither.

An apparently drunk Anastasija goes to the confessional booth and says that she's "shocked by the Amy's beherrer, oh my God." We see Amy climbing up the Soap Dodger, intercut with interview segments in which she admits to being "a bit drunk, to be honest". The two of them end up sitting drunkenly in the confessional both, with him offering to get on top of her. Classy! "Not on camera," Amy scolds, which he takes to mean that as soon as the cameras are off, his luck's in. Downstairs, the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil and Tanya (why are they hanging out together? Don't they despise each other?) are gossiping, and Anastasija reiterates her shock at Amy's behaviour. Juste agrees that "I don't think you have to get that loose." Tanya grins. I think she's just happy they're picking on someone else. For now. Amy interviews reluctantly that she "kissed him, a little bit", which is immediately followed by Imogen interviewing "all night, apparently." Hee! Soap Dodger writes his number on Amy's arm: "hopefully in biro, not permanent marker, because that's not going to be good for shoots," she admits. Imogen hugs "Will" goodbye, and says she hopes they'll arrange something when they get out. Jade, Witchy Amy, Jessica and Imogen go to the confessional booth, where Jade announces that "these two" copped off, while everyone else took Charley's advice at face value and asked questions about modelling. Bunch of prudes. Anastasija has the final word: "It's really cheap. Just cheap."

Later, everyone's getting ready for bed, and Anastasija The Appalled is lying in her bunk, asking Witchy Amy why she can't just "behave". Is she related to Rodrigo from Big Brother? Because they share a certain fun-sponge quality. Apparently, for reasons I can't quite figure out, Amy being a floozy is preventing Anastasija from getting her required amount of nap time, and she's angry because she's going to have bags under her eyes in the morning. In the bathroom, Jessica's all "right, so we'll all just have to go to sleep whenever Anastasija wants us to? Fuck that." Anastasija bitches at them for not using the other rooms instead of this one. Holly tells her that she should just go to bed already, and the rest of them will go downstairs and come to bed when they're ready. Jade interviews that Anastasija is being cunty. They bleep it out, but I like to think that's what she said. Anastasija bitches Witchy Amy out for being the loudest person, which...have you met Amy? Witchy Amy sulks and goes to bed. Anastasija says that she doesn't care about Amy because it's a competition.

The next day, there is E-Mail, intercepted by Juste. "A super-agent, a superbrand, a supermodel. Can you walk amongst such esteemed company? Time to find out. Elle." Imogen thinks there will be an agent watching them and reporting back to Elle. They're taken to a studio in Shoreditch and greeted by Julien Miachon from Models One, who's with Yasmin Yusef, creative director of Miss Selfridge. She tells them that today's challenge is to put two outfits together, complete with shoes and accessories, and walked on the catwalk. So hang on - they've done the photo shoot first, and now they're having their reward challenge? What kind of ass-backwards episode is this? Julien tells them that to help with the super-tough challenge, they've got a supermodel. It's Alek Wek! I love Alek Wek, as do all the girls, it seems. Alek greets the girls sunnily, and tells them they've got five minutes to go and figure out what their look will be, so they need to get a move on.

Models running and jostling for clothes. Hannah interviews that they were all pushing each other out of the way, though to be honest, it looks far too civilised for my liking. Tanya interviews that she's not very good at putting things together. Two and two, for example. Juste interviews that when she'd found her outfits, the only pair of shoes left were a pair of enormous red platform high heels, which were several sizes too small for her. Alek arrives and giggles at the girls with their piles of clothes. She tells them that they need to be confident, because "the clothes don't make you, you make the clothes." I thought six-year-old children in third world countries made the clothes? Alek tells them not to disappoint her.

Adverts. Thandie Newton for Olay, once again adding "Thandie Newton" to the ever-increasing list of roles she cannot play convincingly.

Back at the styling challenge, there are girls, and they are walking. Holly's walk is hopeless, and she looks depressed. Julien whispers to Alek that he's bothered by Holly's quiffy hair. Or possibly "queefy hair". Jessica gets a growl of approval. Juste's walk goes down well with Yasmin, and Alek likes her look, but then: DISASTER!(/HILARITY! - Chris) Juste falls off the catwalk as she's stepping down from it. Alek's concerned that Juste might have hurt herself. Backstage, Juste takes out her anger on those evil shoes. Stacey walks and gives the most simpering grin you've ever seen in your life. Yasmin is disgusted, as well she might be. Tanya interviews that she was upset with her first dress, which is basically translucent and leaves a third dark line between her legs. Alek tries to figure out Jessica's second look, which she thinks might be "don't mess with me", and giggles that she wouldn't. Jessica turns, and reveals the clothing tag hanging out the back of her jeans. Yasmin stresses the importance of checking yourself in the mirror before heading out. Juste returns in a long, flowing, sand-coloured dress, and Yasmin thinks that she could do couture, just as Juste falls off the catwalk AGAIN. Backstage, Juste giggles that she's "useless". Yasmin thinks that Witchy Amy looks uncomfortable. Jade looks great, but is staring at her feet a bit. Imogen has put together an outfit that Alek really likes.

The girls assemble on the catwalk, and Alek tells them that she really enjoyed seeing their looks, even though for some of them, "I was like, 'what was that?'" I love Alek. Can she come back next week? And every week? Julien tells Jade that her second look was more her than her first look, and Imogen that her posing at the end was over the top. Yasmin tells Juste that both her outfits were exquisite and she had an elegance about her, so she's the winner. Juste is very surprised, as I think we all were. Her prize is a whole rail of "amazing, fabulous, gorgeous clothes". Tanya complainterviews that everyone else did really good on the catwalk, and Juste tripped, but they must have picked her for some reason. Maybe because the assignment was about styling and accessorising rather than walking? Just a thought.

Back at Model Manor, trouble's a-brewing. Imogen tells us that the tension between Anastasija and Tanya had been building all week. We get no build-up, we're just thrown right into the middle with Tanya yelling at Anastasija that she gets on with everyone apart from Anastasija, because she's "fucking fake". This is intercut with Tanya interviewing that Anastasija was lovely at boot camp, but she's changed since she's been in the house. Well, that as may be, but you weren't living with her at boot camp, were you? Anastasija hits back Tanya's loud, and not being herself. They start shouting over each other, and Tanya keeps trying to get Anastasija to shut up (note that Anastasija keeps barreling on and doesn't care whether Tanya shuts up or not. ♥ Anastasija). Anastasija then starts taking the piss out of Tanya's voice, which doesn't go down well. (Also, pot/kettle - Chris) Anastasija asks Tanya what she's going to do, to which Tanya replies "can't do nothing at the moment, can I?" HA! Worst fight ever. You're on a reality show, Tanya. You're expected to pull her hair at the very least. Jade interviews that Tanya was really angry, and she thought she might hit Anastasija. Anastasija interviews "if she wants to do it, come on, I'm going to fight. I heff some experience fighting with the girls, and also that's fine, I'm not afraid of her at all." Amazing. Tanya calls Anastasija "lower than fucking dirt" and walks off. Anastasija interviews: "That's fine. I don't need to talk to her, she's not my friend." Tanya decides she's just not going to bother with Anastasija from now on. So I'm guessing those diamonds didn't patch up the hole in their friendship for very long, then?

Low-budget London porn, which means it's judging time. Julien arrives at BBC Television Centre, carrying a suit cover with "Dior" printed on it. Charley is looking at some printouts, which appear to be the "best shots" from the shoot. STOP RUINING THE MAGIC! Crazy Uncle Julien coos over someone's baby.

Voice of Fearne reminds us of judges. This week's guest judge is model and designer Jasmine Guinness. No Alek Wek? BOO. The girls troop in, and Elle introduces them all to "model, designer and toy-shop owner Jasmine Guinness", as if the last part has any relevance to what we're doing here. (Does anything? - Chris) Voice of Fearne reminds us of the prizes. Still no one believes that the Peugeot Coupé has any real connection to getting to castings, because I'm assuming the vast majority of castings in this country would be in London, and...good luck trying to get to anywhere in London on time if you're driving.

Elle reminds the girls that literally no one from the panel has seen them all week, apart from when Charley popped in for about five minutes to be the world's giggliest pimp. First up to be judged is Hannah. Elle thinks Hannah looks really confident, and Hannah says that going back to Ireland was really good. We see her shot, which is not all that remarkable. Crazy Uncle Julien says that "the eagle has landed, but I'm not sure which is the best bird in this picture." Oh, Crazy Uncle Julien. Never change. Elle commends Julien on his poetry. Jasmine likes the shot, and Grace thinks it's "nice", but she doesn't think "nice is the words that we want as adjectives here." Nos wes don'ts. Next, we have Imogen. The post-production on her picture has drained all the colour out of her and made her look like Skeletor, but it's still an interesting editorial shot, and she has excellent cheekbones. Charley says that it took him a while to make his mind up about it, because he couldn't decide if she was just sitting there looking scared, but he's now realised there is more to it. Elle loves the simplicity of the shot and thinks Imogen has done really well.

Jade's next, and her shot is pretty good, although her pose (hands on hips, hunched slightly forward) makes me think this is could be a commercial shot for a product designed to alleviate menstrual cramps. Jasmine thinks it's a strong editorial shot, and her face and body look amazing. Julien thinks the girl in front of him is fragile and soft, but the one in the picture is strong and empowering and YOUR EYES ARE LIKE DANGER. Seriously, at this point I just want to get drunk with Julien McDonald. It looks like so much fun. After that we have Jessica, who tells the judges that she didn't have good feedback from the girls. Grace pounces: "Do you care what the girls think? This is a competition." Jessica reflects that she doesn't really care what they think. Jessica's shot is not great, to my eyes - she has no leg, and her jawline (...and the rest - Chris) looks rather mannish. Elle loves it, though, and Jasmine thinks it's a very strong picture despite the challenging nature of the outfit.

Tanya's next, and Elle tells her that Yvonne and Barry thought she was emotionless and not present, which disappointed them. Tanya is emotionless and not present in response to this. We see the shot, which is rather regal and lovely. Jasmine thinks she's a "strong, fierce woman". Charley thinks the shot doesn't jump out.

Stupid mid-judging ad break. I hate these so much. Put it in front of the judging, put it between the judging and the callout, put it anywhere but DO NOT PUT IT HERE. Also, it's interesting how the earlier breaks were full of make-up and hair products, and this one has ads for toilet paper and Premier Inn.

When we return, it's Boring Stacey's turn. Her picture is awesome, but Stacey's all second-guessy and doesn't think her face is as strong as the other girls. Charley thinks the picture really works, and loves the shape she's come up with. Julien thinks she's a fantastic editorial girl because "you know how to wear clothes". As opposed to Anastasija, who clearly doesn't. Juste is next, and Elle recognises her as a challenge winner. She's wearing one of her winning outfits. Her picture is not great, though I think at least part of it is due to the restricting way she was perched on the stairs. Grace thinks the picture is clunky, and it looks like she's in a bit of a strop. Juste says that this is what the photographer asked her to do. Oh, Juste. NEVER SAY THAT. Doing what the photographer asks you to do is WRONG, except when it isn't. Don't you know that by now? Grace channels everyone's mum by asking if Juste would jump out of a window if the photographer told her to. "Yes, if she was a good model," Jasmine replies. Heh. Also, you told the contestants to jump off some scaffolding last year and they did, so shut up Grace. Jasmine thinks that the thin line between looking fierce and grumpy is very tough.

Holly's next, and Grace calls her out on her "half-arsed approach" as she walks towards them. Elle scolds her for always looking dour as she waits to see her photograph, and points out that the panel notice these things. Her best shot is not great - the dress looks fabulous, but her face is rubbish. Julien tells her she needs a bit more life. Elle tells her she looks bored, and she'll have to work on that. Following her is Anastasija, who gets points with me for clearly having been paying attention while Holly was being criticised for her lack of enthusiasm and full on WERKS her way down the catwalk to the judges. Her picture is great, and Elle loves the nonchalence. Charley says that he sees this nonchalence from her a lot, but it works here. Jasmine thinks it's perfect.

Witchy Saucy Amy is last. Grace asks why Amy is saucy, and Elle tattles on Amy for being a loose woman at the party. Her shot's a bit poor. Elle doesn't love the angle of her head. Jasmine thinks the clothes look great, but they could've looked better. Julien says that her shoulder is hiding her face and her bey-ooty of what she is.

Time to deliberate. Backstage, Amy sobs incoherently about having made a mess of things. Jessica hugs her. Back in the judging room, the judges are judging. Charley thinks Hannah isn't memorable, and Grace thinks she is "nice", whereas fashion is groundbreaking and provocative. Julien likes Imogen and thinks she looks like Robin Hood's girlfriend. Grace thinks she's more Joan Of Arc than Maid Marian. Elle thinks she has potential, and Grace agrees. Jade's shot gets rave reviews, and Charley thinks it's her first really strong shot. Jasmine thinks she could catch a wave. Julien thinks Jessica commands the shot, looking like a modern-day girl from Lord Of The Rings. Grace thinks Jessica has what it takes to be a top model. Elle thinks Stacey is frail and tiny, but still gives strong pictures. Grace thinks Stacey sums up what fashion photography is about. Charley thinks she has a great portfolio. Grace doesn't like Tanya's photo and thinks she's resting on her laurels. Julien thinks she's relying too much on her haircut. I LOVE YOU JULIEN. Juste's shot reveals that Elle was cross with her for arguing with Grace. Grace says she doesn't mind girls standing up for themselves as long as they're right, and Juste will need to pick her battles if she wants to last. Julien thinks she looks like a pantomime dame. Holly's days are numbered, Elle thinks. Julien thinks she needs a rocket up her bottom. Grace thinks she's more Blown By The Wind than Gone With The Wind. Charley chuckles that if she HAD WIND, at least it'd give her an expression. Oh Charley. Must you lower the tone? Witchy Saucy Amy is growing on Charley, but Grace feels the opposite. Charley thinks Anastasija is a lucky cow, and if she's given another brief and does the same thing again, she is DUNZO. Elle loves the ease and the impishness of the picture. They have MADE A DECISION.

Elle has ten beautiful girls before her, but only nine photographs in her hand. The girls who are still in the running towards becoming Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model are: Jade, Stacey, Anastasija (who is warned to up her game next week lest she start looking bored rather than nonchalent), Imogen, Jessica, Juste, Tanya and Holly. This leaves Hannah and Witchy Saucy Amy in the bottom two. Elle says they're there for different reasons - Amy is intriguing and divides the judges, but they need more intrigue in her pictures. Hannah is consistent - never the top, never the bottom, she's just nice. So who gets the final picture? Amy, of course, because nice is the kiss of death on this show. Hannah interviews that she doesn't want to go home, but she'll just try to make it on her own. *sings empowering eleven o'clock number*

We see her nice portfolio of niceness, and then she fades out. Coming up next week: the models interview The Wanted (or The Wanting, according to Witchy Saucy Amy) and take on a ballet-inspired photoshoot. Also, everyone hates Juste. Should be fun!

Bitchin' in the kitchen (and crying in the salon all night)

Top 12 - 8^th August 2011

Hello, and welcome to week six of Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model. Frankly, this week I feel cheated. Do you want to know why? I will tell you why...We’ve had to wait SIX WEEKS for the makeovers. Ah, the makeovers, the best day in the Top Model calendar. Where experience has not yet told the girls that they more than likely will look better after a professional and noted stylist has done their hair for them. So who will cry? Who will get the unworkable and painful weave? Who will whine so much at their drastic transformation that they get binned from the competition for not sucking it up and have to go home bald? There’s only one way to find out...

Previously! Walking on a runway so precarious it’s open to the public! Janice screams in people’s face! Amy cries! Joanne and Kimberly go home.

Coming up today! HAIRCUTS! OF! DOOM!

I am rubbing my hands together with glee.

TITLES! Woah, Amy looks like she’s doing that bad smell acting thing from the Joey Tribbiani School of theatre. [It didn't really occur to me until this week how awful this year's titles are. None of the models look like they've got a damn clue. - Steve]

We begin with an XX song that I can’t name because they all sound the same. Hannah is really shocked that Joanne went home, implying that she wasn’t at all surprised that Kimberley went home. Holly tells us that “We are upset that Joanne has gone... Kimmy’s gone as well” Snerk. Amy watches the conversation with a “Huh wtf” look on her face. Juste tells us that Kimmy didn’t relate to the other girls very well. This is all over a montage of “Kimmy” wiping her eyes with kitchen towel. Oh love, how do you ever expect to be a top model if you don’t use proper handkerchiefs? At least a Kleenex mansize please, you’re not an animal.

Meanwhile, in the “Confessional room” (All similarities to the Big Brother diary room are entirely coincidental) Amy and Juste cackle as Jessica ponders the question “Who doesn’t like Kim?”. Cut to Kim doing a sadface and a cry.

Ufuoma interviews that Kim’s departure was sad to say the least...FOR HER. Ooh, I’m loving these bitchy girls already. We could’ve been on week six of this already. We could’ve had this kind of episode at least FIVE TIMES by now. What a waste...

E-Mail time! Which arrives by magic runner in a white flashing phone box.

“A snip-snip here and a snip-snip there...” Reads Holly “You know what’s coming, girls, be ready by 7am”. Cue much whooping. Not only from me. Jessica is so excited by this news, she does a little dance. The rest of the girls scatter to look at their hair and say goodbye to it.

Meanwhile, in the diary room, Jade predicts she’ll be crying tomorrow, whilst Ufuoma looks like she already is. Hannah and Holly will update us tomorrow when they’re bald.

There’s a bit about an eye which heralds the passing of time and the girls all file out of the Top Model house and on to the Model Bus. Jade tells us that she slept with a firm grip on her hair, whilst Amy holds on to hers longingly. Imogen looks at her patronisingly but still runs a hand through hers and tells us she’s been gentle with it today. Hannah laughs at all three of them.

There’s a gratuitous advertising shot of a place called Percy and Reed. Elle is there. She welcomes who we think is the girls to “our Favourite week". I think it’s your favourite week, Elle, because you’ve got eleven full sized Barbie dolls to play with and you know that you are in a position to make or break any of them. It’s not the girls she’s talking to though, it’s the Judges. Grace is practically rubbing her legs with excitement, Charley has his “Ugh, Girls and hair” face on and Julien looks like he’s trying to remember he is nice now. Elle has an idea that she’s going to split up the girls and each one has two or three to do makeovers with. Share the blame, Elle, brilliant plan. I bet it’s Julien that gets two. (More's the pity - Chris)

Cut back to the bus. Ufuoma wants long hair, if she has short hair, she’s gonna swearword. Juste doesn’t mind because it can’t be worse than it is now. Clever girl, Juste. She’s got a plan. She knows what she is doing.

Back at the salon, Elle shares out the girls. Grace is happy, Julien does indeed get the odd two girls, but they are his favourite two. And Charley, which he is now named, has what sounds like “the bodies”. Unusually, his reaction is not “how did you know?” and leaving the country under an assumed identity, he shouts YEAH BABY.

Paul Percival is now allowed to talk, he’s the stylist, he says that they’ve obviously got this far because they see something in them, but being pretty doesn’t give them an edge. IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD MENTIONED THIS BEFORE! “Aggy didn’t work until she cut her hair” nods Grace, knowingly. (Of Kim & Aggie? Or Rebecca X-Factor's Auntie Aggy? - Chris) [And more importantly changed her name, but since this show doesn't have Pseudonym Week, I guess we're ignoring that. - Steve] And Charley tries very hard to look interested. Paul Percival explains that their hair is a reflection of their personality. THEIR BRAND! Shouts Grace, like a massive swot. Julien tries to look interested but just looks confused. Hair can change your whole persona says Paul Percival ominously. We know this Paul. It can change seemingly sensible girls into girls that cry for a whole week.

The judges line up as the girls enter the salon. Elle welcomes them, but they are subdued because they are going to get their hair cut. “IT’S MAKEOVER DAY YIPPEE!” shouts Elle. There is a half arsed woo from the girls. Elle explains that Paul Percival does the hair of Madonna and Lady Gaga and they have worked for Vogue and Vanity Fair so the girls are in very good hands. Tanya does a Miranda-esque eyes of fear to the camera.

Elle has Juste, Hannah and Holly. When she says Hannah the camera is on Tanya. How can I be expected to remember names when the editors can’t?

And Charley has Imogen, Jade and Ufuoma. The very lucky girls who have Grace are Tanya, Stacey and Jessica, who BETTER SMILE GIRL. “She’s the bonkers one” says And Charley, apropos of nothing.

Finally, Julien has Anastasija and Amy. Elle wishes everyone a fantastic day.

Hannah interviews that everyone was nervous, though some were trying to hide it better than others. Anastasija is crying before she’s even got the backwards cape on, saying that she wasn’t nervous at all before now. Hannah gleefully tells us that “Some people” i.e. Anastasija, thought they were cool beforehand but when they got there they were all OH GOD! Then she realises that this is quite bitchy so she quickly adds that she was one of them before giving us the most disingenuous laugh ever. Cut to Hannah back in the salon saying that she better win if they cut her hair off because she’ll have “No life” if she has short hair. Perspective much? Oh, silly me, forgot what I was watching for a second. These girls think that a perspective is a list of college courses.

Ufuoma interviews that when they told her she had And Charley she lost all hope. Nice. She felt that it was out of her hands completely. Yes, Ufuoma, that’s the point. She sits on the salon chair hyperventilating and says she feels like she’s being sentenced and asks for the verdict. And Charley tells her that she has a beautiful face and does that one eye closed photographer thing with his hand. GROAN. “Beautiful faces can take very short hair” he says. Ufuoma automatically puts her hands to her head as if to hold on to hers. HOWEVER, shouts And Charley. The wag. Today she’s having her hair treated and straightened. Ufuoma breathes a sigh of relief and is moved to hug And Charley. Imogen looks terrified as Paul Percival berates her for never thinking that she needs a fringe. Jade is told that it would be an actual crime to cut her hair off, but it needs more punch. She exhales noisily in relief. Ufuoma, Imogen and Jade then join hands like they have survived some kind of heinous disaster (which in a way they have - Chris) and shout something about Charley’s Angels.

Hair montage – part one. The hairdresser dangles Imogen’s hair in her face once they’ve cut it off. There’s tears in her eyes. And Charley sits behind her staring at her in the mirror, clearly enjoying this tremendously.

Cue to Elle’s girls. Holly wonders aloud what they are going to do to her. Elle sits her down and tells her that she has an amazing body but her hair is mumsy. They’re going to be adding layers and making her a blonde bombshell. I knew it. Elle loves Holly. Those two should just get a room or something. Hannah next. She’s getting a cut to a manageable length. Elle then asks Juste what she thinks she’s going to do. I like where this is going. “Cut my hair!” says Juste. The girl’s been paying attention. Elle says she knows this, but how does Juste think she’s going to cut her hair? Juste’s losing her confidence now... “Short?” she whispers. YES! Juste puts her hands on her face and whispers “oh my goodness”. Short and really dark! Says Elle, enthusiastically. Juste’s facade nearly crumbles completely.

Hannah interviews that Juste is really pretty and probably wasn’t expecting to get man hair. No shit! They discuss what kind of brown she’s going to get. “Deep” says the hairdresser and the look of horror that flashes across Juste’s face is amazing. She manages to keep the front up though. Ufuoma gleefully tells us that Juste’s first nightmare is going dark, then the second nightmare is the crop over a montage of Juste’s pained face. Oh dear. Ufuoma says that “Reality is going to be like she’s dreaming in a nightmare” which of course makes PERFECT SENSE. (I hear Ufuoma's now working writing lyrics for Beyonce - Chris) Juste actually can’t speak by this point. She still isn’t crying yet though. Power to her.

Hilariously, the music changes to Whip My Hair over hair montage part two.

Anastasija next. She tells us that she was always blonde and always had blonde hair. I bet her baby photos were amusing. If they cut it or make it ginger she’s not going to like it because it’s something new. Paul Percival says she’s going to get some “Directional” colour. Cut to Julien telling Amy that she and Anastasija are going to get something completely different. Uh-oh. Julien is going to try and do something special isn’t he? Those poor girls... Julien tells them that it’s so different they wouldn’t want to go back. It isn’t clear if this means into society or back to dull hair. Amy and Anastasija pretend to be pleased with this and high five each other. Yeah, right.

Hair montage three!

Elle and And Charley stand behind Juste discussing her. He asks if she’s cutting it. CUTTING IT OFF says Elle, with obvious glee. Juste is still managing not to cry as Elle continues to say OFF, OFF, OFF. This girl is a hero.

Tanya interviews that she’s not as nervous as the other girls who are all, like, “My hair”. Cut to Tanya in the salon chair being told she’s getting a page boy haircut like a bowl cut and immediately bursting into tears. “What’s the matter?” asks Grace “are you nervous?” heh. She gives her a hug and asks her if she’s going to go for it like she has a choice. She nods. The hairdresser helpfully reminds her that this is what happens when you are a model. Imogen interjects by saying you can’t be all “Waaah! I want my hair like that” which is helpful. [Well, at least someone did their homework, I suppose. - Steve] Amy is going to be ice white notices Julien, Grace explains that that is because her girls are going to have beauty and sophistication.

Imogen then wanders towards Juste who is still managing not to cry as the brown hair dye is washed from her head. She waves her ponytail in front of her and Juste holds it in her hand as if it’s her dear, departed hamster.

Imogen is now in the chair again and Elle tells And Charley that she thought he was going to give Imogen a long, 60’s thing. (Jim Morrison's penis? - Chris) And Charley, who is now wearing a cape, tells Elle that he thought they were his girls. Oh they will be yours, just keep working the charm.

After the adverts – Tears! Juste finally breaks down.

Advertising break! Cars, spot cream, beds and shampoo. Ooh, fried chicken!

We’re back. There will be some product placement.

Jade is done. She has the same hair only slightly glossier and with a wave. She’s pleased. Imogen has her fringe. “Oh, brilliant” groans And Charley, in a not at all creepy way that would signify that this is one of his fantasies. She loves it. Imogen and Jade pose in front of the mirror.

Juste finally cracks over I’ll Stand By You, Girls Aloud version as her hair is chopped. Your effort was valiant, lady. You lasted far longer than I thought you would. Hannah tells her not to worry about it as her long hair stays long. Jessica says that she’s been hanging around for ages and is now getting scared. Yeah, what about Jessica? She’s bored of listening to Tanya go on about her haircut and her crying because her hair was so nothing. She ineffectually hands her a box of tissues. Julien helps the situation by putting on a godawful wig, walking over to Tanya and saying he thinks that this is what she’s going to look like. Tanya takes it in better spirits than I would.

Finally, Jessica. Grace promises that she hasn’t forgotten about her. She’s getting the front relaxed and a new weave, which is good because the old one is looking tired.

Hannah is finished! She’s got basically the same but a bit blonder and a bit curlier. Of course she’s happy! Ufuoma is happy with hers because it is basically the same too but straighter.

Juste is still sobbing, but she looks AMAZING. Ufuoma spots her and gleefully interviews about her helmet hair and how disgusting it is and how she would be crying if it was her. [I can't help feeling Ufuoma should be concerned that they did literally NOTHING to her hair. That's rarely a good sign - Steve] Julien says that Juste looks like a boy and she’ll probably be crying tonight and he wouldn’t want to be her. I’d expect that kind of behaviour from the girls Julien, but from you?

I feel it pertinent to explain now that the finished do’s are being shown by having two side by side pictures of the girls wearing before and after t-shirts and looking grumpy in the before pictures. They are really dumbing down this year, aren’t they? More so than usual or is that just me? [I particularly liked the girls who went as far as to give thumbs down to their old looks and thumbs down to the new ones. Giant hams, the lot of them. - Steve]

Cut to Holly getting so much weave that Julien isn’t sure she can move her head. Grace then gives Julien a deservedly hard time about his do which he admits doesn’t move.

Amy has gone copper. Julien asks her what she thinks and she manages to squeeze out a “quite like it”. Julien then tells her that this isn’t her actual colour, but she’s going to be going more gothic like a black goth. “Are you joking?” asks Amy, very very seriously? He isn’t. She’s going to be like a black goth. The transformation is coming! He shouts gleefully.

Grace LOVES Tanya’s hair. And Tanya is happy too. Tanya is doing an actual thumbs up in her before and after picture. Julien then goes over to Jessica and compares her discarded weave to a little dog.

Juste, I maintain, looks amazing. Elle agrees with me. Juste has her hair in a doggy bag and compares her experience to torture, but she’s happy because she can do anything now. Stacey is ice blonde, which allegedly makes her look like a fairy. Elle has turned Holly into her because she’s her favourite. She’s happy because her hair is thick, blonder and lush.

Jessica looks great too, she’s more confident with her new weave and this means she’s really going to go for it and not be ashamed of who she is (!?). She goes one better than Tanya and does a thumbs up and a thumbs down in her before and after pics.

Anastasija is at the sink. Wait for it, her hair is...PINK. She’s told this and bursts into tears whilst Julien squeals excitedly. He then goes over to Amy and ruffles her now black hair and asks if she’s happy. She’s not sure. Anastasija loved her pink hair and Amy pretends to be happy with hers. She actually looks pisssed off in her after photo.

The girls all squeal at each other back at the house. Tanya isn’t convinced by Anastasija’s pink hair. Juste compares herself and Anastasija to Ken and Barbie. It’s a better simile than I could ever have come up with. RIP The blonde, European axis of awesome (thanks for that one, Chris). (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - Chris) Jade interviews that Amy’s hair looks like it’s been plopped on her head. She’s right. Amy thinks it wasn’t what they expected. Imogen and Tanya are bitching in the kitchen about how she looks like Ozzy Osbourne. Amy tries to brazen it out. Imogen reminds us that it’s a competition and she’s just glad that she looks alright.

The kitchen bitching has made its way to Ufuoma, who agrees with the Ozzy comparison, and she expresses that she hopes they know what they are doing and that they can’t kick her out after that. Meanwhile in the diary room, it’s Tanya’s hair that provokes the most discussion. Imogen thinks she looks like a mushroom. Juste doesn’t understand the short and going longer part because it’s old fashioned. The talk then moves to Stacey’s bob, which is compared to a blue rinse by Imogen and Holly. Nice, although correct.

New E-Mail! Anastasija reads this one. “Tomorrow you will have to leave your *indecipherable* at the door because *indecipherable* got what it takes to become a Top Model”. I’m sorry, I listened to it three times and I still don’t know what’s going on. It looks like the girls don’t, either. Ufuoma must have, because she’s asked for hair removal cream. It’s gonna be nudies, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, back in the bitchykitchen, Amy is still trying to convince everyone that she likes her hair. The Ozzy music doesn’t help her, production team. She says that she’s trying to get used to it as Tanya tries unsuccessfully to hold down the laughter. Amy is worried that it might be hard to work and that it’s like a hide. Everyone around her laughs at her.

After the break... Nudies! Surprise guests! Elimination room which still sounds like a posh name for a toilet!

Adverts – I miss the Tom Daley advert every five minutes. Seriously. [I've taken its absence of late to mean there aren't many gays watching the show this year. - Steve] And I want to see One Day.

Finally, a song of awesomeness. The girls stride into the studio over “Song 4 Mutya”. That’s more like it. Waiting for them is Liz Hotchin who is the brand manager for All for Eve, who make bath and beauty products that raise money for gynaecological cancer research. She is accompanied by Ross from Friends. Liz thinks that the natural form is the most beautiful so for today’s shoot they are going to be in the nip. Ufuoma is happy with this; Stacey looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. Ufuoma interviews that she really likes nudity. Holly wonders why you would be excited about stripping off. Ross from Friends turns out to be one of Elle’s favourite photographers, Nihat Odabasi. I notice at this point, Liz has scary Tanya Turner crazy eyes.

Elle strides into the hair and makeup room and exclaims how everyone looks so different and unique. She reminds them that during a nude shoot, the most important thing is arriving without underwear. That’s kind of what nude is. Elle thinks it’s important that the girls are not too smiley. Liz thinks it should be about the eyes, but she would.

Anastasija is first. She is wearing underwear. Elle wants her more innocent. Anastasija doesn’t understand how to do that with black eyeliner. When the shoot is over, Anastasija doesn’t put her robe on quick enough for Elle’s liking and she rushes over to cover her up, telling her to keep some secrets. I don’t understand the point of this. Holly looks uncomfortable, as does Imogen. Stacey looks skeletal. She explains that she normally does well in photoshoots, but the nakedness made her uncomfortable. Elle tells her that she can’t pull off the lying down pose that she’s doing. Hannah interviews that Stacey ended up having to have a chat with Elle about how skinny she is. Elle and her sit together and tells her that she was worried at her “slightness” and that this distorted her pictures. Elle just wants her to be happier and healthier. Stacey explains that she wishes she could be as big as a size eight but she can’t. (Oh go eat a sandwich - Chris) Elle ends this on a hug. Hannah says that she explained to her that Elle was talking to her out of love. She hopes it doesn’t affect her chances in the competition.

Amy isn’t that uncomfortable with a nude shoot, which translates that she is really uncomfortable. Elle tells her to make herself more comfortable. Liz says she looks fierce, but you can tell she doesn’t mean in the good way. Elle and Liz bemoan her lack of versatility. Jade thinks that Juste is doing the best out of all of them; Liz thinks that she nailed it.

Hannah next, Elle thinks she’s fantastic and her haircut brings out her cheekbones. Jade is regretting her tattoo and Liz doesn’t like it. Jade interviews that at least she has got less than Tanya, who’s got six. Tania also needs a good meal. Elle doesn’t know what to do with all the tattoos.

Ufuoma interviews that she had prepared herself for nudity, but hadn’t prepared herself for the wig, which kept moving. This wasn’t helped by the photographer asking her to shake her head and play with her hair. Don’t blame the wig if you fail, Ufuoma. That’s a go directly to eliminated card. Elle thinks she’s beautiful but doesn’t think that she photographs well.

Finally, Jessica. THEY’RE PLAYING THE FLOOD, STEVE! [*grits teeth* - Steve] She thinks it’s worth being the last because she knows how the other girls have done. Elle is proud of her because she’s on her tiptoes. Elle shouts GORGEOUS a lot and asks the other girls if they’re watching, because that’s how it’s done.

Clothes back on, the girls applaud themselves. Elle is so pleased with all of them there’s a treat when they get home. Jade thinks it might be male strippers. Um...

They all run screaming into the house. Chipmunk, as I think he’s called, is waiting for them in the house to sing them a little song. Juste and Anastasija don’t have a clue who he is. Luckily, he says Chipmunk lots so we all know who he is. Holly says that Imogen wants to take the Chipmunk into the diary room alone. He’s 12, FFS! Amy actually screams. Chipmunk goes into the diary room with them all. Imogen offered him her BB pin, but he didn’t want it. I had to ask my little brother what that was. Apparently it’s some kind of messaging service. (I was imagining some sort of 1950s debutante situation - Chris) [I thought she meant her virginity. - Steve]

EMAIL! Thankfully read by Ufuoma this time. “You’ve all had stunning transformations this week, but are you transforming into top models?" Blah blah, elimination, blah 10 left. Ufuoma will be so swearword if she’s eliminated. Stacey is worried because her photoshoot didn’t go well. Tanya is packing. Anastasija would like Tanya to go home because she can’t stand her. Amy is worried because she thinks she needs to show her smiley, girly side.

Backstage at the judging room. Elle has 70’s disco hair and Grace is wearing a curtain. She says she’s going to go out naked in homage to the girls. Joining them on the judging panel is “TV’s most stylish male, George Lamb”. These are not my words. Elle says she’ll see him on set. He says he’s still got it. (the clap? - Chris) I say I’m a little bit sick in my mouth.

We’re introduced to the judges again. Charley is And Charley again. Elle welcomes them to the elimination room for the second time. She thinks it’s going to be hard to chose because they all looked amazing in their makeovers and in their photographs.

Blah blah prizes. Still no Alisha modelling card on the Models 1 wall I see. Heh.

The girls clap the prizes because they’re told to.

Juste first. Grace barely recognises her. She thinks her photo is alright. I agree. Julien thinks that her makeover is the best. George doesn’t know what she looked like before but thinks she looks great now. Julien then says that her new hair do stops her from being versatile. I’m paraphrasing here, but Elle basically tells him that he’s a bitch.

Amy next. She looks a bit like Zoolander in her photo. And Charley thinks she’s come a long way. Elle has to say that she was the hardest to work with as her expressions were samey. She responds to this by pulling the exact same face as she’s pulling in the photo.

Coming up! Decision time (Surely not?!). Someone is amazing but nothing else, someone is extraordinary and someone is going home.

Commercials! Harvester takeaway? Surely the draw of Harvester is unlimited salad. Why would you want to limit that?

We’re back with Ufuoma. Her picture is a bit wrong and I can’t figure out why. Elle asks And Charley to give his opinion as she’s his. Oh yes, Ufuoma, you will be. And Charley likes that she’s smiling in the picture, but he thinks it’s awkward. Julien thinks she’s sexy but not a model. Elle tells him off for being harsh. Grace agrees. It’s sweet verging into saccharine. Ufuoma thinks she can improve on it. Elle doesn’t care what they think, she thinks Ufuoma looks sweet and gorgeous.

Charley loves Anastasija’s picture. Julien thinks it looks like it comes from Vogue and that she looks young and modern. Grace disagrees. George isn’t sure about the pink hair in person, but it comes across Barbarella and Jean Shrimpton in the photo.

Grace doesn’t realise Imogen’s photo is her. Julien thinks that her makeover is the most boringest. Elle asks if he had lime for breakfast, presumably because he’s so sour. (HE MUSTAH EATEN SO MENNY LEMONS, COZ EE IS SO BIT-TAH, I WOULD RAVVER BE MADE OVAH BY CHAR-LEE COZZ EE IS MUCH FIT-TAH! - Kate Nash) And Charley thinks you can make lots of money if you don’t look too extreme. Oh the possibilities of that statement. Grace thinks she looks like she’s got Elephantitis of the leg, which is handy because George loves Elephantitis. He summarises that Imogen has a lovely top half but the bottom half needs a bit of work. HURRRRR. George didn’t realise that it would be so brutal. Spend some time with the girls, George, they’ll show you brutal. (and their tits - Chris)

Jade next. She looks like she’s landed awkwardly. Elle loves her baby face and heavenly body. Julien thinks she represents real women because she’s got big tits. He loves her tits though, he wishes he had a pair like that. YOU’RE TALKING YOUR THOUGHTS OUT LOUD AGAIN, JULIEN. George tells him to give it a few more years. Grace reminds her that Elle is the only person in the universe with nice toes.

Stacey next. She looks pissed off in her photo. She says she found it hard because she’s so slim. Elle’s euphemism of choice for thin today is “fine”. Elle thinks it’s wonderful that she found a position that made her look more wholesome (trans- less fine).

Hannah was apparently confident on this shoot. Grace is drawn to a place where she shouldn’t be looking. Tanya’s ribs are on show in her photo. She’s wearing the same blouse as Jade in a different colour. Elle thinks her photo is gorgeous, strong and interesting. And Charley thinks that there’s a slight severity about it. Slight?! If it was any more severe it would be a military coup. Julien thinks that she looks like a fantastic wild pussycat. I think she looks like a fantastic wild pussycat that looks like Keira Knightley, which is never a good thing. Julien asks George if she could be his pussycat, to which he replies he’s got one. That’s a no, then. He would, however, like to get to know her in theory, whatever that means. I’m unsure whether we are still talking in metaphor.

Next up is Holly, who hasn’t done her hair to their liking. THAT’S A NINE HOUR HAIRCUT! Shouts Grace. Her photo is ok, but she was the client’s favourite. Grace thinks she was born to do this kind of work, but she’s a bit meh in person. Julien thinks she could jazz it up a bit and put her lights on. I don’t even think he knows what this means. Grace’s final advice is that she should channel Fiercy McFiercy, which I presume is Elle, but I’m not convinced by Elle’s personality. She’s bland like yoghurt. Inventing new words for skinny does not a Fiercy McFiercy make. Fierce.

Finally, Jessica, who looks like she is throwing a discus in her shoot. And Charley thinks she looks like a bronze. Elle says she did that every time. George thinks she looks mind blowingly beautiful and And Charley shoots him a look that says “I’M THE ONE THAT MAKES THE VAGUELY CREEPY SEXUAL REMARKS AROUND HERE BUCKO”. Julien leads some applause.

Elle tells them that the judges have a difficult decision to decide who will be leaving this week, and the girls all file to the backstage area which inexplicably has a cheap pine wardrobe in the corner of it. Holly tells Imogen that she thinks Jess will get picture of the week.

Back in the elimination room, the judges face the big screen and look like they are taking part in the world’s most difficult game of Catchphrase.

They think Juste is gorgeous, but Grace thinks she’s gorgeous and nothing else. “What more could you want?” Says And Charley, CREEPILY.

Amy isn’t for George. And Charley was surprised by what he saw from her in the flesh, compared to what he’s seen of her before through the hole he’s carved in the wall by her bed so he can watch her sleep.

Ufuoma is just a beautiful girl according to Julien, George thinks that if that is her best shot she’s not cutting it.

Grace doesn’t know what kind of work Anastasija could do, and she’s just middle of the road. Julien helpfully points out you don’t see girls like that in the middle of the road. Note to Julien – It’s usually only crazy persons that are found in the middle of the road.

Imogen next, Elle thinks she’s better in photo than in person. George didn’t think much of her on the runway. And Charley thinks it’s rare that a person doesn’t look good in the flesh but looks good in a photograph. That’s why he’s in the bushes taking photos. He uses himself as an example.

Grace thinks that Stacey’s emaciated look is good for catwalk and editorial, but not good for beauty shots. Elle thinks she looks amazing. Julien does a complete 360 from last cycle and says it’s not good to promote the too-thin look. Elle nods sadly.

Julien thinks that Hannah is a beautiful, natural girl.

Grace thinks Jade is a sexbomb. Elle thinks her body is phenomenal, but she veered on pin-up. George is all over her. Not literally, but he doesn’t think she’s a top model.

Everyone loves Tanya. YAWN.

Julien thinks Holly is amazing but boring. He can’t believe she was having her hair done for nine hours. Elle reminds him that it was only six. That makes all the difference, then. Elle whines that this is average weave time. The rest of the judges make doubtful faces.

Jessica is Julien’s winner. Grace thinks she’s extra ordinary. They toddle off to make their decision.

Worried faces back in the Elimination room. First called and photograph of the week is Jessica. Tanya next, followed by teachers' pet Holly. They hug backstage. Juste next, followed by Hannah then Anastasija. More whooping. Imogen is next through, then Jade and finally Amy, who needs to find one more expression to go with the one she already has.

Ufuoma and Stacey are left. Whoever doesn’t get called...blah blah.

Ufuoma is beautiful in person but her photo was disappointing, although full of charm. Stacey is...wait for this segment’s too skinny euphemism...concerningly fragile.

So who is through?

*TENSION*

It’s Stacey. Bye Bye Ufuoma. You were by far the bitchiest and we loved you for it. (*sniff* - Chris) She interviews that she knew she wouldn’t get through when she saw the picture. This interview takes place in a corridor whilst a man wanders around in the background in a high vis jacket. Julien reflects that it’s been a hard week, but it’s a competition. We’re so glad you understand. Elle isn’t sure Ufuoma had the potential to continue. She fades out of the photo.

NEXT WEEK! KES! FACES OF FEAR! AMY HAS A SNOG! TENSIONS! TANYA VS ANASTASIJA TO THE DEATH!

We look forward to seeing you then.

Britain's Next Top Fruity Tea

Top 13: 1st August 2011

PREVIOUSLY ON BINT-MODEL : the show decided to make it a nice round month of auditions with a "boot-camp" stage, although sadly this did not feature the X Factor staple of taking individuals who didn't work alone and stitching them together into a whole that did. Frankenmodel/Britain's Next Top Human Centipede, take it how you will, it would have been fab-oo-lus [I'd watch that - Helen]. Instead we just got Bible Brenda riding out on a Gamu, Witch-Face Amy being the source of yet more controversy, Grace saying she doesn't "get" ugly-beautiful, and Elle as usual swanning in and out at will with all the power gone right to her head. In the end we wound up with thirteen girls, about three of whom we'd seen before now. And yes, that did make the preceding three episodes entirely pointless, unless you fell in love with Tania Roxanna Federenco, but they're OVER NOW, LET'S JUST MOVE FORWARDS AND PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED.

Our thirteen girls are, in credits-order :

Anastasija : The less talented half of the Eastern-European Axis Of Blonde Evil

Witch Face Amy : What am beauty really?

Jade : Freckleface

Stacey : Martyr To Her Nerves

Holly : Extra With Two Lines In Pretty Little Liars

Joanne : Irrelevant

Imogen : The "Likable" One (*blech*)

Hannah : Spoon-face

Kimberleigh : Extra With Two Lines In Coming Of Age

Juste : The more talented half of the Eastern-European Axis Of Blonde Evil

Jessica : From The Land Of The Giants

Tanya : The Drama

Ufuoma : The Thirteenth In The Credits As Well, Just To Piss Her Off That Little Bit More

Elle : Blech

(Those designations are after watching one episode. They are open to change).

We open as "Boys & Girls" by Pixie Lott plays over the soundtrack, which makes me hope we're in for a very special secret to be revealed later in the series regarding one of the "girls". Sadly as the episode wears on, it turns out that the soundtrack exists just to be overbearing and obnoxious and to try to make the show appear "current" rather than actually meaning anything. The girls are approaching the Top Model house and Spoonface Hannah interviews her excitement. Apparently all the girls were pushing to get to the front, so as best to get on camera for an iconic shot of them screaming at a Magnet fridge or a bath or a particularly nice carpet or whatever girls scream at in these segments.

In the end Hannah and Ufuoma are the first through the door, and do their scream at the requisite pictures of winners of BINTModel past that are lining the walls. Except these women were just BModels, which...is exactly how TIFFNUH pronounced it actually. There's a little space underneath with a "?" as if to say "who of you will be next?" although really you could put that question mark over all of the other pictures as well. Kimberleigh desperately looks around for something to scream at, and winds up with the lame choice of "HOW TALL THIS BUILDING IS!". That's right, it's not a Top Model Bungalow, THERE'S AN UPSTAIRS AS WELL!

This fresh source of things to scream at located, Spoonface Hannah, Witch-Face Amy and Giant Jessica all charge upstairs and find a load of beds to scream at. That's right! IT'S A BEDROOM! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? AIEEEEEEEEEEE! (*At points like these it's when I miss Joy the most*) [Me too. - Steve]. Freckleface Jade interviews that she was shocked to discover that everyone is sleeping in the same room. Yeah, that does slow down clique formation a little. Everyone runs around screaming (WE'VE GOT PILLOWS! EEEEEEEEEE!) and then Imogen explains to us all that, as the thirteenth girl Ufuoma didn't get a bed of her own - she instead got a blow-up mattress and had to sleep on the floor. Sadly this is not America's Next Top Model, so Ufuoma doesn't pour Coors Lite on someone's else bed in retaliation and...I don't know, something something weave something. Instead she just grumbles a bit and grins through gritted teeth. Kimberleigh tells her that nobody's going to give up their bed for her. In a way Kimberleigh, you are in fact going to. Stacey stares off into space, and Tanya hugs her pillow and shows an admirable commitment to playing along with this show's drama by giggling about how Ufuoma is "Unlucky Number Thirteen". Oh my God Tanya, how aperçu.

Also in "inconvenience" news, all the girls will be sharing the same bathroom. To be fair, it is the same size as my entire flat and has the contents of three Lush stores in there, so they should be fine. Ufuoma jokes that they're going to end up all sniffing each other. That'll be a photoshoot and a half.

Obligatory "let's get to know this week's eliminee" segment now, as Kimberleigh tells us all that she's going to "bring a sense of niceness to the show" (sod off) and she's really bubbly and lovable and cuddly and sweet and ra ra would you like to see a picture of her pony? We're then shown her lining up all her hair ribbons, looking for attention, which Holly is only too happy to provide her with, asking her what those hair ribbons are for. Kimberleigh starts goshing and gushing and rabbit-nosing about she simply adores hair-ribbons and she's got one for every outfit and every day. Holly, Juste, and Ufuoma all clearly can't wait for her to pack her Hello Kitty Stationary and go. [I'm growing more and more convinced that Kimberleigh is in fact Fearne Cotton in an unconvincing wig. Maybe this bit was written into her contract when they secured her for the voiceover. - Steve]

Someone screams "E-MAIL!", and Kimberleigh races to the "E-MAIL!" depository (a giant gold phone-box) to pick it up. She pulls another cutesy gymkhana girl face as she reads it out. It tells them that Elle's going to get a top chef in this evening [I hope it's Carla Hall - Steve] to cook their dinner (obviously it takes a top chef to steam lettuce and arrange Tic-Tac mints) and they're to get ready for their first STEPS tomorrow. And STEPS is in bold. So there. Hopefully this means special guest judge FatClaireFromSteps to do an opera challenge or something. Everybody screams. Duh.

As Jessie J makes Jessie J noises, the girls all sit around getting pissed and watching Tanya show off her tats. Freckleface Jade in particular is pulling great "I AM SO INTERESTED IN EVERYBODY ELSE AND THEIR LIVES!" face. Spoonface Hannah interviews that she's really enjoying this laid-back fun party vibe, so you know something awful's about to happen. And it does, as the girls sit around and eat dinner, Irrelevant Joanne sees a bowl, and asks everyone else what they think is in there. Everyone else groans "questions" in unison. Kimberleigh missing the trick there to giggle "GUMMI BEARS!" or something similarly "adorable".

Instead she gets the first question out of the bowl, which is "who sucks and will go home first?". I mean, there's more words there, but that's what it is. [This is the most appallingly lazy segment I have seen on reality TV in quite some time. I can only assume the script for this episode said INSERT DRAMA HERE. - Steve] Kimberleigh makes her already tired "oh no, I can't be mean!" Kimberleigh faces and says Tanya. She gives the reason that Tanya has a really strong look and it's not the sort of look Kimberleigh has seen before in the modelling world. She's seen it on the way home from school emptying out her lacrosse kit onto a traffic island and kicking her in the fanny, but not in the modelling world. Tanya interviews that she was grumpy initially, but she didn't take it to heart. Lies. Holly's next, with the same question, and says either Tanya or "Kimmy", because Holly thinks that Kimberleigh is a big floopy flump who will melt into sugar-water as soon as any pressure is applied to her. Holly interviews next that Kimberleigh looked like she was trying to fight back tears, whilst Tanya looked like she was trying to fight back the urge to stab her in the boob.

We cut to Tanya. She does.

Anastasija is next, with the same question, again, again, some more, again (seriously, can we not at least have "who is the most likely to have a penis?" or "who here has an eating disorder?" or something fun like that?) and she says Kimberleigh, because she looks like a child. And not you know, in the sexy modelling way. Kimberleigh of course giggles it off ebulliantly, before we cut to the Evil Blonde Headquarters (more of this please), where Anastasija and Juste both agree that Kimberleigh is rubbish and they agree she should die first. She look like fifteen year-old-girl, not top model. Also I am not want to say she is stupid, but she is pretty stupid. Sometimes we are like what is that you just say can you believe you say that? To evil! *clink*

After the carnage is over, Jade takes Tanya to one side and tells her not to worry, that this is all just done to stir up fake drama, and Jade knows that Tanya will be on the show for quite a long time. Who knows if she did this for Kimberleigh? Maybe Kimberleigh was too busy playing with her imaginary friend Anabelle to warrant a therapy session.

Next day now, and the girls arrive at Kew Gardens, and Kimberleigh gushes about how lovely all the little trees and the little flowers are. They're greeted there by Special Guest Judge Steven Tyler from Aerosmith! Oooh Steve, sing "Dude Looks Like A Lady!" (My PVR says that the Special Guest Judge for this episode was Janice Dickinson, but I've seen this show before, and Janice Dickinson is fun and interesting and outrageous, so this CAN'T be her). All of the girls are all "WOW! STEVEN TYLER! FROM ERASURE!" and they can't believe they're in the presence of such a superstar. Steven Tyler soaks up the applause.

He then tells everyone that in order to be a top model you need height, poise, elegance and attitude. Oh and to know how to work a catwalk, so that's what they're going to do right now. I'm mostly distracted by the giant hole in Steven Tyler's chin right near his mouth. Plastic surgery kids, don't do it. The girls rush off to get changed, as we head into an advertising break.

*advertising break*

Back from orgasming over Special K, and Nelly Furtado's "Maneater" is sound-tracking Steven Tyler sympathising with the girls over their tight shoes, but telling them to NEVER COMPLAIN and always say whatever you're wearing looks fabulous. OK Steven. Oh and by the way, you're going to be doing your catwalk walks 59 FEET IN THE AIR ON A WALKWAY! Irrelevant Joanne gives the required "OH MY GOD, UP IN THE AIR!" reaction interview whilst still remaining irrelevant at all times. In person the rest of the girls gasp and gawp and what-have-you, whilst Ufuoma voices her concerns that the midair walkway doesn't look terribly stable. I mean...it actually does, but she's working the drama, which I like. Steven tells the girls that this is to teach them "focus", because if they can do something 59ft up in the air THEY CAN DO IT ANYWHERE. Except he kinds of mumbles it to sound like "fifteen-hundred feet up in the air", which I would too, because 59 ft is nothing. Set it on fire or something or go home. [Seriously. It is the Treetop Walkway at Kew, for fuck's sake. There are substantial barriers on either side that put paid to any fear of falling off. CHILDREN go up there every day. The producers aren't even bloody trying here. - Steve]

As the girls walk up to the walkway, suspended over the Kew Gardens grounds, Tinie Tempah sings "Pass Out". Nobody passes out. Tanya just whinges that it's a bit high and cries a bit. Because she's afraid of heights. She panics that she can't do it, but Witchface Amy holds her hand and talks her up onto the walkway. Ufuoma giggles from the sidelines that Tanya shat her pants and just kept on crying. I like Ufuoma.

Girls do their model walks, swish-swish-swish. They get the following reactions from Steven Tyler :

Juste : *Bad Jackie Stallone impression*. I think he's impressed.

Holly : YOU WALK LIKE A TRUCK-DRIVER!

Anastasija : Less swing, less swing, less swing/lezz swing, lezz swing, lezz swing

Jade : TONE IT IN THE FACE! *does impression of that black girl doll who used to do the dancing on the Playground Stop*

Hannah : Stop bobbing the head so much! You're not fishing! (?!)

Ufuoma : Drop your left shoulder!

Amy : WATCH YOUR HANDS! THEY LOOK LIKE CLAWS!

Imogen : Nothing

Stacey : YOU LOOK SCARED!

Irrelevant Joanne : Irrelevant

Tanya : Guess what! That was the best walk yet!

Kimberleigh : Less walking on egg-shells! MORE WALKING ON JELLYFISH! (?!?!)

Jessica : FATTY FATTY FAT FAT! SOO-EEE! SOO-EEE!

In interviews throughout Jade admits her walking skills are sub-par, Kimberleigh whines that it's only her second time in high-heels so there was nothing she could do [Jesus Christ woman, do your fucking homework - Steve], Ufuoma carps that she wishes she'd pretended that she was scared of heights (Ufuoma <3) and Jessica says that she has got a thick skin but...boo hoo boo hoo Steven Tyler called her fat.

Swishy swishy walking over, Steven Tyler feeds back that the girl who needs the most work is Kimberleigh, although personally I would have gone for Stacey given that she moved like that thing Ripley fought the Alien Queen in. Kimberleigh cries and cries and cries until Steven has to hug her down off the ledge. Kimberleigh then interviews that she regrets crying quite so much about it. Eh, I wouldn't start regretting things you did in this episode now Kimberleigh, you'd never stop.

The winner, unsurprisingly is Tanya, and she's told she gets to pick three friends to come with her to "Sowarski" Crystals. Tanya smiles happily and Ufuoma turns to her and grins, not at all after a share of the Swarovsky hoarde. Imogen likableterviews that it was really good for Tanya to win, because it really shoved it in the faces of all those (two) (one of whom was Kimberleigh) (who has such a grasp on modelling she didn't even practicing walking in heels before she turned up) girls who doubted her the night before. In an entirely separate interview, Tanya agrees. IN YOUR FACE HOLLY!

When it comes time for Tanya to choose her friends, she selects Witchface Amy, Stacey and...JADE. Irrelevant Joanne interviews that she was SHOCKED that Tanya didn't pick Anastasija, because they ROOM together. Erm...don't you all room together? Isn't there just the one room? Didn't we establish that? Anastasija's besty in the Legion Of Balkan Evil Juste interviews that she was also SHOCKED and so does Anastasija. She is THROUGH with Tanya. Tie her down and dye it blonde girls, it's the only way she'll comply with the Masterplan. Back up on the walkway, Tanya explains to Jade that she chose her because Jade told her the night before that it was all just reality tv drama and she should rise above. I love the irony. Don't try and calm down drama Jade, IT JUST CREATES MORE DRAMA. DON'T FIGHT THE MOONLIGHT!

Speaking of which we've got more Giant Jessica drama to come, as the PTSD from her encounter with Steven Tyler is only just kicking in on the coach back to the Model House. SHE GOT CALLED FAT! This of course warrants some Adele. Jessica explains that she is different to the other girls in that she's 7ft tall and weighs as much as the entire Duggar Family and sometimes that gets her down. Ufuoma swoops in to tell her not to lose her confidence, and to represent. Hooray for Ufuoma!

Cut to night-time now, and Imogen explains that, once the bus arrived back home, Anastasija had a massive diva-strop over how she wasn't picked by supposed-bestie Tanya for the reward. We cut to Anastasija perched on her top bunk, clutching a drinks-bottle looking FURIOUS. We then hilariously cut to Jade on a bottom bunk (I hope it's of the same bed), saying that she feels really awkward now, because Juste and Anastasija now hate her for usurping the Evil Blondes' spot in the Swarovsky Crystal Factory. Holly tells Jade not to worry - Anastasija's just a moron. Meanwhile outside Juste has cornered Tanya to tell her that she is OUT OF THE COOL KIDS CLUB and has to return her membership card *spit*.

At this point, the Winners Bus departs and we are taken back into Evil Eastern-Euro Blonde HQ, where special guest Irrelevant Joanne is just sitting there watching Anastasija flap her hands about saying that Tanya is fake person who ruin our relationships with her fake. She say you ok are you ok how are you and I DONT WANT TO TALK WITH HER ANY MORE. Irrelevant Joanne just nods along and agrees and looks bored. This Clubhouse is less fun than she was anticipating.

REWARD TIME! It's Swaroksvky Crystals! Nobody can say "Swarovsky", at all. Everyone gets £250 to spend on...stuff (Tanya might get a bit more but...shrug, it's all the same sparkly gewgaws to me). A brief shopping montage follows as Ke$ha throws up a kebab into a skip (I believe it's called "We R Who We R") and everyone gets their girl on. It turns out that Tanya has bought Anastasija a bracelet with some of her prize, and Freckleface Jade, Witchface Amy and Nervous Stacey all agree that this was wonderful of Tanya and she is truly a beautiful person inside and out. Stacey is particularly nauseating about it.

Once back at the house, Tanya makes a big show of giving Anastasija her tacky bracelet like she's effing proposing. Spoonface Hannah looks like she's about to throw up and does a big fake Scarlett O Hara hand-to-heart over it. Anastasija acts touched, and flashes her orange tartan knickers to camera so lacking in guardedness is she to this gesture, but then of course she interviews that there is no second chance with Anastasija and if Tanya do this again she kill her with shoe. [I think I love Anastasija a little bit - Helen]

Next day now, and E-Mail arrives (Mark Ronson & The Business International Airport : Bang Bang Bang) and Imogen is the one to read it out. It tells the girls that after the DIZZYING HEIGHTS of yesterday's 59 FEET OF TERROR challenge, the girls might have felt in need of a cup of tea. Well they're in luck! That is distressingly non-cryptic given that the photoshoot involves...a cup of tea. I was hoping it was the drag-queen sort of "T". [Special guest judge Shangela! - Steve]

*advertising break*

We return from Stephen Merchant becoming almost as tiresome as Ricky Gervais in those Barclaycard adverts, to find Charley Speed and this week's client welcoming the girls to Hampton Court Palace. This week's client being Marie Carrere, who is Lipton Tea's Brand Manager. [I really wish it had been Tea Bag. - Steve] As Charley picks at some cakes and pours himself a cup of tea, Marie explains the girls that Liptons Tea is all about drinking fabulous and looking fabulous, so their photoshoot is going to revolve around an English tea party. Each of them will represent a different fruity flavour of tea infusion and...good luck. Everyone cheers and claps (with Kimberleigh clapping exactly as you'd expect - it's 95% elbow), and then goes off to get changed into outlandish wigs and bold colours.

Irrelevant Joanne explains the shoot - everyone is to be split into two different groups, and then within each group each girl will take centre-stage once on the tea-party set, whilst the others girls in that group serve as background colour (/try to pull focus). As she gets fitted into her outfit (Diana Vickers hair, neon yellow dress) Imogen says that she plans to steal the show today tee hee not really, good luck with anyone trying that with Juste and Anastasija around. Imogen's glad she's not in Juste's group in particular, because she's clearly going to elbow her way right to the front.

We then cut to Juste getting herself fitted, in a black wig and dress, and as if by attention-grabbing magic she's crying about it. Admittedly she is being styled like a Goth Wizadora but...suck it up Juste. They'll probably give you an afro or something at makeovers. Maybe it's just that her Evil Blonde powers being taken away from her. Anyway, outside she cries to Anastasija (*natch*) about how she look like wet dog. NOBODY LOOK AT HER LIKE THIS!

Meanwhile Charley and Marie chat about the shoot. Marie talks about how the girls really have to be vibrant and young and blah blah branding blah, and Charley responds that he's looking forward to watching the girls trying to out-do one another, and Marie stares back with the glaze of someone who just wants to jump the bones of whoever they're talking to. Oh Charley. You've broken another heart.

The first group of girls stomp out (Take That - Kids), consisting of Ufuoma, Stacey, Kimberly, Jade, Imogen and Anastasija. and they can't even walk in a straight line together without Jade clutching at her dress and tottering about and tilting and tensing her neck to stop her wig falling off. Such models! Once they arrive on set (a dinner table in a marquee covered in fruit, and surrounded by chairs and random junk-store paraphernalia like an empty birdcage and a gramophone) Charley mock-chides them for taking so long, and tells them all they look amazing. Marie then shows off the Lipton Tea to the girls, talking with her hands massively, not at all trying to brush them against Charley at all. HAVE FUN GIRLS!

Jade (Red dress, lots of pearls, and a wig that looks like a panna-cotta caught mid wobble) is up first, at the behest of this week's photographer - Clive Arrowsmith. In interview she complains that she really wanted to go later in the order, so she could steal other people's moves. What a swagger jagger. Marie tells her to think sensual, fun and a bit sexy. To this instruction Jade puts her hands on her hips, tilts around at the vagina and does a half-laugh. She tells us in interview that she got better as the shoot went on, but Charley and Marie seem happy enough. I think Marie's just happy to be around Charley to be honest.

Kimberleigh (styled to look as much like her cosmic opposite Joy as possible in the face, great big bow, gold dress) is next, and told to be cool, refreshing, sweet and light. She mounts the table like a drunken ra, looking for all the world like the edge of the table is running right down the crack of her behind, and tries to look mildly seductive with a bunch of grapes. Charley and Marie both agree she was crap - she either looked too happy or too sophisticated. Anastasija (giant Noddy Holder wig with purple streaks, brass collar, peach coloured dress) follows, and promptly plonks herself down on the floor. Clive tells her to stand up because he does want the other girls in the shoot, and not just their legs. Anastasija grumbles in interview that Clive RUINED HER PLANS (for world domination) and then begins to randomly stumble around doing any old pose until Clive tells her to get her head together.

Stacey (black curly wig like Lillith from Frasier, blue top, purple dress) next, and Charley and Marie both seem pleased with her work as she grabs at her wig and flounces around. Imogen follows, and we learn that she has a secret shame...it's her teeth! (Has she seen Tanya's?) This apparently stops her feeling comfortable smiling, which Charley and Marie both pull her up on in her photoshoot. Charley in particular gets up in her personal space and tries to be comforting and to get her to loosen up. Smile more Imogen! Charley's had to do some really silly shoots in his time, this is nothing. He believes in you! Imogen blushes, as this has prompted an outbreak of sniggering of the "Charley and Imogen sitting in a tree" variety. She does think Charley's hot though. Given that the only men that these girls are going to see over the next few months are Julien McDonald, wizened old pervy photographers, and the one week Male Model Bonanza Bunch, who will all turn out to be racist or something, I can hardly blame her. This segment is also marked byKimberleigh stuffing an entire lemon in her gob in the background. Oh Kimberleigh.

Ufuoma (Miss Piggy wig, pale peach corset) is next, and she says the energy on the shoot was getting low, so she decided to HAM IT UP. And ham it up she does, bugging her eyes out and twirling her hair like Shirley Temple and generally chewing the scenery. I love Ufuoma, I may have mentioned it. Charley calls Anastasija out for looking bored in the background, and Ufuoma chides her for being rubbish and mucking up her shot (So much <3)

Group Two now (Rihanna - Disturbia) and they are led off by Spoonface Hannah (black wavy hair, yellow dress). I'd feel bad about calling her that, but she doesn't really have much personality yet. She's...alright. Clive, Charley and Marie find about as much as say about her as I could. What I mostly take from her bit is that Tanya is the most RAMPANT in terms of trying to be the one who the judges say stole the shot from the supposed centrepiece girl. RAMPANT. RAMPANT levels of muggery coming from this one. Who is surprised?

Irrelevant Joanne (giant ginger wig, joker lipstick, red dress that looks like it was made by a 5-year old out of giant sheets of paper) follows and doesn't really do much of anything. Marie hates her. She doesn't think she's being sexy enough to represent Lipton Tea. Charley relays this message to Irrelevant Joanne who looks a bit downcast, but interviews that she's sure other girls will do worse than her. Marie looks at her like she wants to stab her. Witchface Amy (neon pink opera cape, playboy bunny bow, horrific melted icing pink fringe) is next up and she for some reason tries to take it high-fashion. Lots of staring at the floor and nasty looks and jaw-jutting. Charley comes up to her and tells her that this is for FRUITY TEA, not an artistic representation of the horrors of the Spanish Civil War, so can she lighten up a bit please? Witchface Amy interviews that Charley clearly hates her and wants to see her fail. I don't think Charley hates anything Amy. In the whole world. Except maybe sadness.

From the sidelines Imogen and Kimberleigh have a good old bitch about how badly Amy's doing, wondering why she won't just keep her head up and smile like she's being told to. Amy explains to us in interview that she was trying, but this just ISN'T WHO SHE IS. Oh go make a worm-diorama of The Pit And The Pendulum. Witchy Amy.

Tanya (yellow hat, shaggy hair, mustard dress, dollopsed in at least twice as much eye-liner as she had on in her audition) is next, trying to model and clutch about seventeen different props at once. Her shoot lasts about 5 seconds, and Ufuoma commentates from the side that Tanya did really well there to get it over with so fast. Holly (orange hair in the shape of ice cream wafers, orange eye-shadow, orange foundation, orange dress, JUST ORANGE OK) follows and is too wholesome and sweet for the judges. Marie wants something EXOTIC. So Holly crumbles some...it looks like curry powder...between her fingers in a sexual manner. Are Lipton doing curried teas now? Intriguing. This is much better apparently. Much more exotic.

Jessica (green dress that makes her look huge(r), random blob of blonde in the hair) next and she plonks herself on the table, constantly leaning herself away from her cup of tea like it kind of smells. Charley tells her to be less joyful, because she's just being too happy. Jessica tries her best to look a bit less ecstatic. Juste closes us out, now with what looks like a giant sea anenome clamped onto her right shoulder. She whinges a bit to camera about how hideous she looks, but then brags that she's going to suck it up and pose through the PAIN of ugly styling anyway. It appears to work, as Marie loves all her shots. They're just perfect!

Boo, another victory for the Legion of Eastern European Blonde Evil.

Back to the house now, where Spoonface Hannah reads out the obligatory "E-Mail" about how somebody is leaving tomorrow. Except...IT'S TWO PEOPLE LEAVING TOMORROW! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES! Everyone does their best shocked face. Except Ufuoma who just looks a bit bored. Spoonface Hannah is particularly put out, as she was thinking she might be in the bottom two but saved. OH NO! Jessica asks if not packing will mean she can't leave (no Jessica, it will mean you will DEFINITELY leave, because that would be funniest), and Juste says she just can't predict who's going to go. Kimberleigh and Anastasija both hope it's not them, whilst Imogen says that she thinks Kimberleigh's leaving because she sucked the most over the course of the week. Ufuoma says she thinks it'll be one of the "sob stories", which apparently designates Amy and Kimberleigh. Rather than Tanya (heights), Jessica (Steven Tyler calling her fat), Juste (Wizadora wig), Anastasija (not picked by Tanya to hold her hands whilst she picks out some naff jewellery) or...whoever else cried this episode. Everyone?

JUDGING TIME!

The usual suspects goon around backstage doing their usual best "we're really normal we are!" faces, as Fearne Cotton (yes, still here) tells us that this week they'll be joined by...Sophie Ellis Bextor. Sure. Why not? Next week : Fatman Scoop.

The Elimination Chamber is decked out like a giant shattered mirror and, in a break from Top Model tradition, the judges legs dangles free, unimpeded by a desk. Elle welcomes everyone to her chamber of horrors and offers to remind the girls of what the prizes they're fighting for are. Given that this prompts a jump-cut to a video clip of Fearne reeling them off (Models 1, Company Magazine, Holiday to Jamaica, a car, Revlon, Miss Selfridge) I'm guessing this means that they didn't actually know what they were whilst filming. Back in the room the girls all cheer but for all we know they were just shown a copy of Readers Wives, a bbq set, and a drawing of them as the new host of Chick Fix.

First up for judging is Tanya, and Elle congratulates her on being the challenge winner. Her photo pops up, and Elle tells her she looks very rock-chick school-marm with a tattoo. She does look a bit like one of those Circus Of Horror people who make the semi-finals of Britain's Got Talent for twirling round in a hoop with a chainsaw wedged between their bum-cheeks. Anyway, Sophie Ellis Bextor vouches that school-marms can indeed have tattoos because she has one...and is not a school-marm. OK Sophs. Tanya is asked what she thinks, and she says that it doesn't even look like her, which is GREAT. It kind of is.

Next up Jessica, who is wearing a fur wrap to her judging. Her picture is flashed up, and she looks very matronly. Sophie tells her she's much more beautiful in person, and Elle calls her fat/says she has to be careful of her body angles in that dress, or whatever.

*advertising break*

After we resign ourselves to the fact that Fierce Yanet from So You Think You Can Dance UK Series 1 is eking out a living in Malibu adverts, we are back, in the middle of judging, which just feels wrong. Space out your ad-breaks better BINT-MODEL.

Next up to bat is ol' WitchFace. In her picture, what really stands out are her teeth, like a yellow beacon guiding ships away from the rocks. Also the fact that they've had to ferret so hard for this half-decent shot that Holly's face is a blur in the background. Oh and Tanya is totally mugging ridiculously hard, but that's true of every photo in her group. Elle thinks it looks fabulous, as do Julien and Sophie, but Charley tells them all that she lucked out with this one shot. Nobody really cares. Next is Stacey, vibrating like a wet chihuahua, and her shot is really nice, although she does rather look like she needs to wee. Such is modelling. Elle loves it, but Grace decides to go off in a huff about what a meek little mouse Stacey is and how she needs to BELIEVE IN HERSELF and be more confident. Oh God, are we back on Grace wanting girls with "personality" again? Jeez... Anyway, Charley agrees and says if she doesn't grow a backbone the industry will EAT HER UP NOM NOM NOM.

Kimberleigh's next, and her shot looks like she's being squashed in an invisible trash compactor. Charley says that she was really awkward on set, but Elle salutes her for managing to make the best of the god-awful position she's chosen to put herself in. Spoonface Hannah is next and her photo is of her mid-pour. Tanya is both pulling focus and actually now kind of looks like she has a boner. Maybe she stuck a banana up there, tricksy one that she is. Elle doesn't like the photo, because she doesn't see zesty in there, but Grace says she sees zesty! Look! She's kinking her foot up! ZESTY! Sophie agrees, and says "zesty" is a stupid brief anyway. It is but...so is everything else on this show? BE MORE SENSUAL BUT LESS EROTIC WHILST MAINTAINING A HINT OF FEMININE FUN! NO, TOO LATE, YOU'VE GONE JOYFUL!

Jade next, and Grace compliments her on the form-fitting jumpsuit she's wearing to panel. Apparently it's OBSCENE. It really isn't. I mean...I can make out she's got boobs. Is that enough for it to be an obscenity? They're nude next week. Anyway her photo is really busy - she's pulling herself forward with her pearls and backwards with her dress and her face looks a bit Beano. Charley likes it, but Julien thinks the photo is really unsexy compared to the girl in front of him. He then screams "WORRAPAIROFKNOCKERS! BANG BANG!". Thanks Mental Uncle Julien. [This show really needs a "Ufuoma & Julien" spin-off. - Steve]

Irrelevant Joanne is next. Her photo is mostly her ginger wig, with some of Irrelevant Joanne featuring somewhere. Sophie and Julien both really love the photo. In fact Julien calls her a Red Sex Ginger Bomb in some neat "Julien McDonald's Wheel O'Random Nouns" work, and also throws in a random reference to "Murder On The Dancefloor" for no earthly reason, that makes Sophie ginch her face up delightfully. Elle meanwhile thinks that she's got poor positioning in terms of her hands and her legs, and Grace thinks it's a disaster. In PERSON she wants to eat Joanne's face, but in this picture? No.

Holly next, and Elle says that she's trying to work out what that face is. It's a human face Elle. The face of a human. Holly tells Elle that it's an anxiety face, because she's nervous. Elle tells her not to do that face, because it both confuses and upsets her, and tells her that Holly's photo is going to be rubbish. The photo comes up and...is not rubbish. In fact Julien and Sophie both like it, although Sophie does appear to like everything. Juste follows, rocking some really weird African Princess styling. We briefly cover how she didn't like her styling, and we get a Very Real Lesson about how models are never allowed an opinion on anything. Elle says that she's been in Juste's position, worrying that her styling is going to make her look like a gonk, but Grace just starts hooting about how everyone here is a VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRL AND NEEDS TO GET OVER IT AND LEARN TO EMBRACE THEIR INN...oh wait, Mental Uncle Julien is wandering up to Juste and trying to look up her skirt. Thanks Mental Uncle Julien. For shutting Grace up as much as anything. He makes out that he's trying to style her to look more sexy, but really he's just checking for a penis.

Next is Imogen and her photo looks like Cavegirl. It's also the one where Kimberleigh has a whole lemon in her gob. Imogen tells the panel she hates her smile. Everyone tells her that she has a lovely smile, blah blah, minor personal-issues detour, let's move on. To Anastasija's photo, in which is spreading her legs horribly and is swamped by her Noddy Holder hair-do. Grace is DISGUSTED by how flat the picture is, as is Elle. Anastasija looks FAKE! The worst thing a woman can be on a reality show. Let's move on and forget this ever happened!

Last up for scrutiny is Ufuoma. Her photo is the hammiest thing ever. We're talking full on Ainsley Harriott "SUZIE SALT AND PERCY PEPPER!" in the face. Crazy Uncle Julien hoots that Ufuoma reminds him of OLIVER GOING "PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE SOME MORE!". Crazy Uncle Julien then laughs for about half an hour at his own...it's not even a joke is it? He laughs for about half an hour at his observation. Sophie likes it, and Elle says that it really shows versatility. Ufuoma gives her an eye-flash of approval.

The girls are sent off, as the judges deliberate. Irrelevant Joanne panicks alongside Jade that she thought her picture was going to be ok when she was on the shoot, but that thing on the screen looked awful. To be fair, when you're directly underneath the shadow of the Ginger Wig Of Death, it's hard to tell just how doom-laden it is.

The judges deliberate :

Tanya : Sophie really likes her photo, and her eye was really drawn to Tanya in some of the other girls photos as well (that may have been because she was pretty much wearing a clown nose and flashing her fanny at the camera).

Jessica : Elle and Grace both agree that she is stunning in person, but looks fat in this photo in particular.

Amy : Charley whinges some more about how she lucked into her photo and kept on staring at the floor all the time.

Stacey : Is Sophie's favourite, like anyone cares about that. Grace still hates her for her reality-tv persona mandated "nerves".

Kimberleigh : Charley calls her clumsy and OTT pantomime. Crazy Uncle Julien says she looks like a pantomime HORSE ho-ho.

Hannah : Grace says she's pretty but boring. Julien hates her.

Jade : Elle hates the pose and Grace thinks she looks ugly. Also Elle does random opera voice (*shrug*)

Joanne : Crazy Uncle Julien loves her picture and wants her to win the whole show (?!) but everyone else loathes it. Charley calls her cheesy and stiff, and Grace reminds him of how rubbish she was at boot-camp.

Holly : Julien loves how luxurious she looks, but says she has no confidence. Grace says she has no oomph.

Juste : Charley calls her a Confident Monster, and Grace hates how brittle she is, but everyone agrees she looks gorgeous.

Imogen : Crazy Uncle Julien thinks she looks like she has a lemon up her bum, and Charley says she needs to let go more.

Anastasija : Charley calls her boring, but Elle says that she loves her and her cleft chin. Sophie says she loved her personality and charisma in the room, but Julien thinks that she should go on the basis of this photograph.

Ufuoma : Everyone agrees she is stunning. Elle is really glad she was the thirteenth girl.

The judges stop deliberating.

The girls are called back in, and Elle lines them all up. It's been so long since I heard a needless pop-song on the soundtrack that I wonder if I've developed selective Saturdays deafness. It's time...for the results. This is a pain to recap, so I'm just going to say who is reprieved, in order.

1st : Holly

2nd : Juste

3rd : Stacey

4th : Tanya

5th : Ufuoma

6th : Hannah

7th : Jade

8th : Amy

9th : Jessica

10th : Imogen

Oh, also, rather bizarrely, instead of standing and watching this process as it unfolds, like on every other iteration of this show, the winning girls are squirrelled off to a green room backstage and not shown anything. Most odd.

Anyway, this leaves a Bottom Three of Anastasija, Joanne, and Kimberleigh. They are now the three girls who stand before Elle. And only one can advance, because she has more potential and will probably be more versatile. And that girl is...Anastasija. Well of course. Can't break up your bitches this early, and also Joanne was irrelevant and Kimberleigh was hopeless. And has apparently turned up to panel looking like a very amateurish Magenta from Rocky Horror. Anastasija smiles like she knew this was going to happen, as Adele starts her Mournful Piano. She skips backstage where Ufuoma and Tanya rush to congratulate her first, probably in Tanya's case because she knows Anastasija would pitch a bitch-fit for the next three episodes if she didn't, culminating in her throwing a spatula at Tanya's head or something.

Back in Elle's Hall Of Exploded Mirror, she gives Kimberleigh and Irrelevant Joanne a big ol hug. Kimberleigh cries (*duh*) and Irrelevant Joanne doesn't really seem that bothered. She says she can go into any agency anywhere in the world and there will be plenty of work there for her. Which is of course why she had to put herself through the giant ginger-pube wig slurping fruity tea. Because there's so much other work for her. Everyone hugs, everyone cries, the end.

Next week : BOOBS.