Thursday, 4 August 2011

Britain's Next Top Fruity Tea

Top 13: 1st August 2011

PREVIOUSLY ON BINT-MODEL : the show decided to make it a nice round month of auditions with a "boot-camp" stage, although sadly this did not feature the X Factor staple of taking individuals who didn't work alone and stitching them together into a whole that did. Frankenmodel/Britain's Next Top Human Centipede, take it how you will, it would have been fab-oo-lus [I'd watch that - Helen]. Instead we just got Bible Brenda riding out on a Gamu, Witch-Face Amy being the source of yet more controversy, Grace saying she doesn't "get" ugly-beautiful, and Elle as usual swanning in and out at will with all the power gone right to her head. In the end we wound up with thirteen girls, about three of whom we'd seen before now. And yes, that did make the preceding three episodes entirely pointless, unless you fell in love with Tania Roxanna Federenco, but they're OVER NOW, LET'S JUST MOVE FORWARDS AND PRETEND THEY NEVER HAPPENED.

Our thirteen girls are, in credits-order :

Anastasija : The less talented half of the Eastern-European Axis Of Blonde Evil
Witch Face Amy : What am beauty really?
Jade : Freckleface
Stacey : Martyr To Her Nerves
Holly : Extra With Two Lines In Pretty Little Liars
Joanne : Irrelevant
Imogen : The "Likable" One (*blech*)
Hannah : Spoon-face
Kimberleigh : Extra With Two Lines In Coming Of Age
Juste : The more talented half of the Eastern-European Axis Of Blonde Evil
Jessica : From The Land Of The Giants
Tanya : The Drama
Ufuoma : The Thirteenth In The Credits As Well, Just To Piss Her Off That Little Bit More
Elle : Blech

(Those designations are after watching one episode. They are open to change).

We open as "Boys & Girls" by Pixie Lott plays over the soundtrack, which makes me hope we're in for a very special secret to be revealed later in the series regarding one of the "girls". Sadly as the episode wears on, it turns out that the soundtrack exists just to be overbearing and obnoxious and to try to make the show appear "current" rather than actually meaning anything. The girls are approaching the Top Model house and Spoonface Hannah interviews her excitement. Apparently all the girls were pushing to get to the front, so as best to get on camera for an iconic shot of them screaming at a Magnet fridge or a bath or a particularly nice carpet or whatever girls scream at in these segments.

In the end Hannah and Ufuoma are the first through the door, and do their scream at the requisite pictures of winners of BINTModel past that are lining the walls. Except these women were just BModels, which...is exactly how TIFFNUH pronounced it actually. There's a little space underneath with a "?" as if to say "who of you will be next?" although really you could put that question mark over all of the other pictures as well. Kimberleigh desperately looks around for something to scream at, and winds up with the lame choice of "HOW TALL THIS BUILDING IS!". That's right, it's not a Top Model Bungalow, THERE'S AN UPSTAIRS AS WELL!

This fresh source of things to scream at located, Spoonface Hannah, Witch-Face Amy and Giant Jessica all charge upstairs and find a load of beds to scream at. That's right! IT'S A BEDROOM! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? AIEEEEEEEEEEE! (*At points like these it's when I miss Joy the most*) [Me too. - Steve]. Freckleface Jade interviews that she was shocked to discover that everyone is sleeping in the same room. Yeah, that does slow down clique formation a little. Everyone runs around screaming (WE'VE GOT PILLOWS! EEEEEEEEEE!) and then Imogen explains to us all that, as the thirteenth girl Ufuoma didn't get a bed of her own - she instead got a blow-up mattress and had to sleep on the floor. Sadly this is not America's Next Top Model, so Ufuoma doesn't pour Coors Lite on someone's else bed in retaliation and...I don't know, something something weave something. Instead she just grumbles a bit and grins through gritted teeth. Kimberleigh tells her that nobody's going to give up their bed for her. In a way Kimberleigh, you are in fact going to. Stacey stares off into space, and Tanya hugs her pillow and shows an admirable commitment to playing along with this show's drama by giggling about how Ufuoma is "Unlucky Number Thirteen". Oh my God Tanya, how aper├žu.

Also in "inconvenience" news, all the girls will be sharing the same bathroom. To be fair, it is the same size as my entire flat and has the contents of three Lush stores in there, so they should be fine. Ufuoma jokes that they're going to end up all sniffing each other. That'll be a photoshoot and a half.

Obligatory "let's get to know this week's eliminee" segment now, as Kimberleigh tells us all that she's going to "bring a sense of niceness to the show" (sod off) and she's really bubbly and lovable and cuddly and sweet and ra ra would you like to see a picture of her pony? We're then shown her lining up all her hair ribbons, looking for attention, which Holly is only too happy to provide her with, asking her what those hair ribbons are for. Kimberleigh starts goshing and gushing and rabbit-nosing about she simply adores hair-ribbons and she's got one for every outfit and every day. Holly, Juste, and Ufuoma all clearly can't wait for her to pack her Hello Kitty Stationary and go. [I'm growing more and more convinced that Kimberleigh is in fact Fearne Cotton in an unconvincing wig. Maybe this bit was written into her contract when they secured her for the voiceover. - Steve]

Someone screams "E-MAIL!", and Kimberleigh races to the "E-MAIL!" depository (a giant gold phone-box) to pick it up. She pulls another cutesy gymkhana girl face as she reads it out. It tells them that Elle's going to get a top chef in this evening [I hope it's Carla Hall - Steve] to cook their dinner (obviously it takes a top chef to steam lettuce and arrange Tic-Tac mints) and they're to get ready for their first STEPS tomorrow. And STEPS is in bold. So there. Hopefully this means special guest judge FatClaireFromSteps to do an opera challenge or something. Everybody screams. Duh.

As Jessie J makes Jessie J noises, the girls all sit around getting pissed and watching Tanya show off her tats. Freckleface Jade in particular is pulling great "I AM SO INTERESTED IN EVERYBODY ELSE AND THEIR LIVES!" face. Spoonface Hannah interviews that she's really enjoying this laid-back fun party vibe, so you know something awful's about to happen. And it does, as the girls sit around and eat dinner, Irrelevant Joanne sees a bowl, and asks everyone else what they think is in there. Everyone else groans "questions" in unison. Kimberleigh missing the trick there to giggle "GUMMI BEARS!" or something similarly "adorable".

Instead she gets the first question out of the bowl, which is "who sucks and will go home first?". I mean, there's more words there, but that's what it is. [This is the most appallingly lazy segment I have seen on reality TV in quite some time. I can only assume the script for this episode said INSERT DRAMA HERE. - Steve] Kimberleigh makes her already tired "oh no, I can't be mean!" Kimberleigh faces and says Tanya. She gives the reason that Tanya has a really strong look and it's not the sort of look Kimberleigh has seen before in the modelling world. She's seen it on the way home from school emptying out her lacrosse kit onto a traffic island and kicking her in the fanny, but not in the modelling world. Tanya interviews that she was grumpy initially, but she didn't take it to heart. Lies. Holly's next, with the same question, and says either Tanya or "Kimmy", because Holly thinks that Kimberleigh is a big floopy flump who will melt into sugar-water as soon as any pressure is applied to her. Holly interviews next that Kimberleigh looked like she was trying to fight back tears, whilst Tanya looked like she was trying to fight back the urge to stab her in the boob.

We cut to Tanya. She does.

Anastasija is next, with the same question, again, again, some more, again (seriously, can we not at least have "who is the most likely to have a penis?" or "who here has an eating disorder?" or something fun like that?) and she says Kimberleigh, because she looks like a child. And not you know, in the sexy modelling way. Kimberleigh of course giggles it off ebulliantly, before we cut to the Evil Blonde Headquarters (more of this please), where Anastasija and Juste both agree that Kimberleigh is rubbish and they agree she should die first. She look like fifteen year-old-girl, not top model. Also I am not want to say she is stupid, but she is pretty stupid. Sometimes we are like what is that you just say can you believe you say that? To evil! *clink*

After the carnage is over, Jade takes Tanya to one side and tells her not to worry, that this is all just done to stir up fake drama, and Jade knows that Tanya will be on the show for quite a long time. Who knows if she did this for Kimberleigh? Maybe Kimberleigh was too busy playing with her imaginary friend Anabelle to warrant a therapy session.

Next day now, and the girls arrive at Kew Gardens, and Kimberleigh gushes about how lovely all the little trees and the little flowers are. They're greeted there by Special Guest Judge Steven Tyler from Aerosmith! Oooh Steve, sing "Dude Looks Like A Lady!" (My PVR says that the Special Guest Judge for this episode was Janice Dickinson, but I've seen this show before, and Janice Dickinson is fun and interesting and outrageous, so this CAN'T be her). All of the girls are all "WOW! STEVEN TYLER! FROM ERASURE!" and they can't believe they're in the presence of such a superstar. Steven Tyler soaks up the applause.

He then tells everyone that in order to be a top model you need height, poise, elegance and attitude. Oh and to know how to work a catwalk, so that's what they're going to do right now. I'm mostly distracted by the giant hole in Steven Tyler's chin right near his mouth. Plastic surgery kids, don't do it. The girls rush off to get changed, as we head into an advertising break.

*advertising break*

Back from orgasming over Special K, and Nelly Furtado's "Maneater" is sound-tracking Steven Tyler sympathising with the girls over their tight shoes, but telling them to NEVER COMPLAIN and always say whatever you're wearing looks fabulous. OK Steven. Oh and by the way, you're going to be doing your catwalk walks 59 FEET IN THE AIR ON A WALKWAY! Irrelevant Joanne gives the required "OH MY GOD, UP IN THE AIR!" reaction interview whilst still remaining irrelevant at all times. In person the rest of the girls gasp and gawp and what-have-you, whilst Ufuoma voices her concerns that the midair walkway doesn't look terribly stable. I mean...it actually does, but she's working the drama, which I like. Steven tells the girls that this is to teach them "focus", because if they can do something 59ft up in the air THEY CAN DO IT ANYWHERE. Except he kinds of mumbles it to sound like "fifteen-hundred feet up in the air", which I would too, because 59 ft is nothing. Set it on fire or something or go home. [Seriously. It is the Treetop Walkway at Kew, for fuck's sake. There are substantial barriers on either side that put paid to any fear of falling off. CHILDREN go up there every day. The producers aren't even bloody trying here. - Steve]

As the girls walk up to the walkway, suspended over the Kew Gardens grounds, Tinie Tempah sings "Pass Out". Nobody passes out. Tanya just whinges that it's a bit high and cries a bit. Because she's afraid of heights. She panics that she can't do it, but Witchface Amy holds her hand and talks her up onto the walkway. Ufuoma giggles from the sidelines that Tanya shat her pants and just kept on crying. I like Ufuoma.

Girls do their model walks, swish-swish-swish. They get the following reactions from Steven Tyler :

Juste : *Bad Jackie Stallone impression*. I think he's impressed.
Holly : YOU WALK LIKE A TRUCK-DRIVER!
Anastasija : Less swing, less swing, less swing/lezz swing, lezz swing, lezz swing
Jade : TONE IT IN THE FACE! *does impression of that black girl doll who used to do the dancing on the Playground Stop*
Hannah : Stop bobbing the head so much! You're not fishing! (?!)
Ufuoma : Drop your left shoulder!
Amy : WATCH YOUR HANDS! THEY LOOK LIKE CLAWS!
Imogen : Nothing
Stacey : YOU LOOK SCARED!
Irrelevant Joanne : Irrelevant
Tanya : Guess what! That was the best walk yet!
Kimberleigh : Less walking on egg-shells! MORE WALKING ON JELLYFISH! (?!?!)
Jessica : FATTY FATTY FAT FAT! SOO-EEE! SOO-EEE!

In interviews throughout Jade admits her walking skills are sub-par, Kimberleigh whines that it's only her second time in high-heels so there was nothing she could do [Jesus Christ woman, do your fucking homework - Steve], Ufuoma carps that she wishes she'd pretended that she was scared of heights (Ufuoma <3) and Jessica says that she has got a thick skin but...boo hoo boo hoo Steven Tyler called her fat.

Swishy swishy walking over, Steven Tyler feeds back that the girl who needs the most work is Kimberleigh, although personally I would have gone for Stacey given that she moved like that thing Ripley fought the Alien Queen in. Kimberleigh cries and cries and cries until Steven has to hug her down off the ledge. Kimberleigh then interviews that she regrets crying quite so much about it. Eh, I wouldn't start regretting things you did in this episode now Kimberleigh, you'd never stop.

The winner, unsurprisingly is Tanya, and she's told she gets to pick three friends to come with her to "Sowarski" Crystals. Tanya smiles happily and Ufuoma turns to her and grins, not at all after a share of the Swarovsky hoarde. Imogen likableterviews that it was really good for Tanya to win, because it really shoved it in the faces of all those (two) (one of whom was Kimberleigh) (who has such a grasp on modelling she didn't even practicing walking in heels before she turned up) girls who doubted her the night before. In an entirely separate interview, Tanya agrees. IN YOUR FACE HOLLY!

When it comes time for Tanya to choose her friends, she selects Witchface Amy, Stacey and...JADE. Irrelevant Joanne interviews that she was SHOCKED that Tanya didn't pick Anastasija, because they ROOM together. Erm...don't you all room together? Isn't there just the one room? Didn't we establish that? Anastasija's besty in the Legion Of Balkan Evil Juste interviews that she was also SHOCKED and so does Anastasija. She is THROUGH with Tanya. Tie her down and dye it blonde girls, it's the only way she'll comply with the Masterplan. Back up on the walkway, Tanya explains to Jade that she chose her because Jade told her the night before that it was all just reality tv drama and she should rise above. I love the irony. Don't try and calm down drama Jade, IT JUST CREATES MORE DRAMA. DON'T FIGHT THE MOONLIGHT!

Speaking of which we've got more Giant Jessica drama to come, as the PTSD from her encounter with Steven Tyler is only just kicking in on the coach back to the Model House. SHE GOT CALLED FAT! This of course warrants some Adele. Jessica explains that she is different to the other girls in that she's 7ft tall and weighs as much as the entire Duggar Family and sometimes that gets her down. Ufuoma swoops in to tell her not to lose her confidence, and to represent. Hooray for Ufuoma!

Cut to night-time now, and Imogen explains that, once the bus arrived back home, Anastasija had a massive diva-strop over how she wasn't picked by supposed-bestie Tanya for the reward. We cut to Anastasija perched on her top bunk, clutching a drinks-bottle looking FURIOUS. We then hilariously cut to Jade on a bottom bunk (I hope it's of the same bed), saying that she feels really awkward now, because Juste and Anastasija now hate her for usurping the Evil Blondes' spot in the Swarovsky Crystal Factory. Holly tells Jade not to worry - Anastasija's just a moron. Meanwhile outside Juste has cornered Tanya to tell her that she is OUT OF THE COOL KIDS CLUB and has to return her membership card *spit*.

At this point, the Winners Bus departs and we are taken back into Evil Eastern-Euro Blonde HQ, where special guest Irrelevant Joanne is just sitting there watching Anastasija flap her hands about saying that Tanya is fake person who ruin our relationships with her fake. She say you ok are you ok how are you and I DONT WANT TO TALK WITH HER ANY MORE. Irrelevant Joanne just nods along and agrees and looks bored. This Clubhouse is less fun than she was anticipating.

REWARD TIME! It's Swaroksvky Crystals! Nobody can say "Swarovsky", at all. Everyone gets £250 to spend on...stuff (Tanya might get a bit more but...shrug, it's all the same sparkly gewgaws to me). A brief shopping montage follows as Ke$ha throws up a kebab into a skip (I believe it's called "We R Who We R") and everyone gets their girl on. It turns out that Tanya has bought Anastasija a bracelet with some of her prize, and Freckleface Jade, Witchface Amy and Nervous Stacey all agree that this was wonderful of Tanya and she is truly a beautiful person inside and out. Stacey is particularly nauseating about it.

Once back at the house, Tanya makes a big show of giving Anastasija her tacky bracelet like she's effing proposing. Spoonface Hannah looks like she's about to throw up and does a big fake Scarlett O Hara hand-to-heart over it. Anastasija acts touched, and flashes her orange tartan knickers to camera so lacking in guardedness is she to this gesture, but then of course she interviews that there is no second chance with Anastasija and if Tanya do this again she kill her with shoe. [I think I love Anastasija a little bit - Helen]

Next day now, and E-Mail arrives (Mark Ronson & The Business International Airport : Bang Bang Bang) and Imogen is the one to read it out. It tells the girls that after the DIZZYING HEIGHTS of yesterday's 59 FEET OF TERROR challenge, the girls might have felt in need of a cup of tea. Well they're in luck! That is distressingly non-cryptic given that the photoshoot involves...a cup of tea. I was hoping it was the drag-queen sort of "T". [Special guest judge Shangela! - Steve]

*advertising break*

We return from Stephen Merchant becoming almost as tiresome as Ricky Gervais in those Barclaycard adverts, to find Charley Speed and this week's client welcoming the girls to Hampton Court Palace. This week's client being Marie Carrere, who is Lipton Tea's Brand Manager. [I really wish it had been Tea Bag. - Steve] As Charley picks at some cakes and pours himself a cup of tea, Marie explains the girls that Liptons Tea is all about drinking fabulous and looking fabulous, so their photoshoot is going to revolve around an English tea party. Each of them will represent a different fruity flavour of tea infusion and...good luck. Everyone cheers and claps (with Kimberleigh clapping exactly as you'd expect - it's 95% elbow), and then goes off to get changed into outlandish wigs and bold colours.

Irrelevant Joanne explains the shoot - everyone is to be split into two different groups, and then within each group each girl will take centre-stage once on the tea-party set, whilst the others girls in that group serve as background colour (/try to pull focus). As she gets fitted into her outfit (Diana Vickers hair, neon yellow dress) Imogen says that she plans to steal the show today tee hee not really, good luck with anyone trying that with Juste and Anastasija around. Imogen's glad she's not in Juste's group in particular, because she's clearly going to elbow her way right to the front.

We then cut to Juste getting herself fitted, in a black wig and dress, and as if by attention-grabbing magic she's crying about it. Admittedly she is being styled like a Goth Wizadora but...suck it up Juste. They'll probably give you an afro or something at makeovers. Maybe it's just that her Evil Blonde powers being taken away from her. Anyway, outside she cries to Anastasija (*natch*) about how she look like wet dog. NOBODY LOOK AT HER LIKE THIS!

Meanwhile Charley and Marie chat about the shoot. Marie talks about how the girls really have to be vibrant and young and blah blah branding blah, and Charley responds that he's looking forward to watching the girls trying to out-do one another, and Marie stares back with the glaze of someone who just wants to jump the bones of whoever they're talking to. Oh Charley. You've broken another heart.

The first group of girls stomp out (Take That - Kids), consisting of Ufuoma, Stacey, Kimberly, Jade, Imogen and Anastasija. and they can't even walk in a straight line together without Jade clutching at her dress and tottering about and tilting and tensing her neck to stop her wig falling off. Such models! Once they arrive on set (a dinner table in a marquee covered in fruit, and surrounded by chairs and random junk-store paraphernalia like an empty birdcage and a gramophone) Charley mock-chides them for taking so long, and tells them all they look amazing. Marie then shows off the Lipton Tea to the girls, talking with her hands massively, not at all trying to brush them against Charley at all. HAVE FUN GIRLS!

Jade (Red dress, lots of pearls, and a wig that looks like a panna-cotta caught mid wobble) is up first, at the behest of this week's photographer - Clive Arrowsmith. In interview she complains that she really wanted to go later in the order, so she could steal other people's moves. What a swagger jagger. Marie tells her to think sensual, fun and a bit sexy. To this instruction Jade puts her hands on her hips, tilts around at the vagina and does a half-laugh. She tells us in interview that she got better as the shoot went on, but Charley and Marie seem happy enough. I think Marie's just happy to be around Charley to be honest.

Kimberleigh (styled to look as much like her cosmic opposite Joy as possible in the face, great big bow, gold dress) is next, and told to be cool, refreshing, sweet and light. She mounts the table like a drunken ra, looking for all the world like the edge of the table is running right down the crack of her behind, and tries to look mildly seductive with a bunch of grapes. Charley and Marie both agree she was crap - she either looked too happy or too sophisticated. Anastasija (giant Noddy Holder wig with purple streaks, brass collar, peach coloured dress) follows, and promptly plonks herself down on the floor. Clive tells her to stand up because he does want the other girls in the shoot, and not just their legs. Anastasija grumbles in interview that Clive RUINED HER PLANS (for world domination) and then begins to randomly stumble around doing any old pose until Clive tells her to get her head together.

Stacey (black curly wig like Lillith from Frasier, blue top, purple dress) next, and Charley and Marie both seem pleased with her work as she grabs at her wig and flounces around. Imogen follows, and we learn that she has a secret shame...it's her teeth! (Has she seen Tanya's?) This apparently stops her feeling comfortable smiling, which Charley and Marie both pull her up on in her photoshoot. Charley in particular gets up in her personal space and tries to be comforting and to get her to loosen up. Smile more Imogen! Charley's had to do some really silly shoots in his time, this is nothing. He believes in you! Imogen blushes, as this has prompted an outbreak of sniggering of the "Charley and Imogen sitting in a tree" variety. She does think Charley's hot though. Given that the only men that these girls are going to see over the next few months are Julien McDonald, wizened old pervy photographers, and the one week Male Model Bonanza Bunch, who will all turn out to be racist or something, I can hardly blame her. This segment is also marked byKimberleigh stuffing an entire lemon in her gob in the background. Oh Kimberleigh.

Ufuoma (Miss Piggy wig, pale peach corset) is next, and she says the energy on the shoot was getting low, so she decided to HAM IT UP. And ham it up she does, bugging her eyes out and twirling her hair like Shirley Temple and generally chewing the scenery. I love Ufuoma, I may have mentioned it. Charley calls Anastasija out for looking bored in the background, and Ufuoma chides her for being rubbish and mucking up her shot (So much <3)

Group Two now (Rihanna - Disturbia) and they are led off by Spoonface Hannah (black wavy hair, yellow dress). I'd feel bad about calling her that, but she doesn't really have much personality yet. She's...alright. Clive, Charley and Marie find about as much as say about her as I could. What I mostly take from her bit is that Tanya is the most RAMPANT in terms of trying to be the one who the judges say stole the shot from the supposed centrepiece girl. RAMPANT. RAMPANT levels of muggery coming from this one. Who is surprised?

Irrelevant Joanne (giant ginger wig, joker lipstick, red dress that looks like it was made by a 5-year old out of giant sheets of paper) follows and doesn't really do much of anything. Marie hates her. She doesn't think she's being sexy enough to represent Lipton Tea. Charley relays this message to Irrelevant Joanne who looks a bit downcast, but interviews that she's sure other girls will do worse than her. Marie looks at her like she wants to stab her. Witchface Amy (neon pink opera cape, playboy bunny bow, horrific melted icing pink fringe) is next up and she for some reason tries to take it high-fashion. Lots of staring at the floor and nasty looks and jaw-jutting. Charley comes up to her and tells her that this is for FRUITY TEA, not an artistic representation of the horrors of the Spanish Civil War, so can she lighten up a bit please? Witchface Amy interviews that Charley clearly hates her and wants to see her fail. I don't think Charley hates anything Amy. In the whole world. Except maybe sadness.

From the sidelines Imogen and Kimberleigh have a good old bitch about how badly Amy's doing, wondering why she won't just keep her head up and smile like she's being told to. Amy explains to us in interview that she was trying, but this just ISN'T WHO SHE IS. Oh go make a worm-diorama of The Pit And The Pendulum. Witchy Amy.

Tanya (yellow hat, shaggy hair, mustard dress, dollopsed in at least twice as much eye-liner as she had on in her audition) is next, trying to model and clutch about seventeen different props at once. Her shoot lasts about 5 seconds, and Ufuoma commentates from the side that Tanya did really well there to get it over with so fast. Holly (orange hair in the shape of ice cream wafers, orange eye-shadow, orange foundation, orange dress, JUST ORANGE OK) follows and is too wholesome and sweet for the judges. Marie wants something EXOTIC. So Holly crumbles some...it looks like curry powder...between her fingers in a sexual manner. Are Lipton doing curried teas now? Intriguing. This is much better apparently. Much more exotic.

Jessica (green dress that makes her look huge(r), random blob of blonde in the hair) next and she plonks herself on the table, constantly leaning herself away from her cup of tea like it kind of smells. Charley tells her to be less joyful, because she's just being too happy. Jessica tries her best to look a bit less ecstatic. Juste closes us out, now with what looks like a giant sea anenome clamped onto her right shoulder. She whinges a bit to camera about how hideous she looks, but then brags that she's going to suck it up and pose through the PAIN of ugly styling anyway. It appears to work, as Marie loves all her shots. They're just perfect!

Boo, another victory for the Legion of Eastern European Blonde Evil.

Back to the house now, where Spoonface Hannah reads out the obligatory "E-Mail" about how somebody is leaving tomorrow. Except...IT'S TWO PEOPLE LEAVING TOMORROW! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES! Everyone does their best shocked face. Except Ufuoma who just looks a bit bored. Spoonface Hannah is particularly put out, as she was thinking she might be in the bottom two but saved. OH NO! Jessica asks if not packing will mean she can't leave (no Jessica, it will mean you will DEFINITELY leave, because that would be funniest), and Juste says she just can't predict who's going to go. Kimberleigh and Anastasija both hope it's not them, whilst Imogen says that she thinks Kimberleigh's leaving because she sucked the most over the course of the week. Ufuoma says she thinks it'll be one of the "sob stories", which apparently designates Amy and Kimberleigh. Rather than Tanya (heights), Jessica (Steven Tyler calling her fat), Juste (Wizadora wig), Anastasija (not picked by Tanya to hold her hands whilst she picks out some naff jewellery) or...whoever else cried this episode. Everyone?

JUDGING TIME!

The usual suspects goon around backstage doing their usual best "we're really normal we are!" faces, as Fearne Cotton (yes, still here) tells us that this week they'll be joined by...Sophie Ellis Bextor. Sure. Why not? Next week : Fatman Scoop.

The Elimination Chamber is decked out like a giant shattered mirror and, in a break from Top Model tradition, the judges legs dangles free, unimpeded by a desk. Elle welcomes everyone to her chamber of horrors and offers to remind the girls of what the prizes they're fighting for are. Given that this prompts a jump-cut to a video clip of Fearne reeling them off (Models 1, Company Magazine, Holiday to Jamaica, a car, Revlon, Miss Selfridge) I'm guessing this means that they didn't actually know what they were whilst filming. Back in the room the girls all cheer but for all we know they were just shown a copy of Readers Wives, a bbq set, and a drawing of them as the new host of Chick Fix.

First up for judging is Tanya, and Elle congratulates her on being the challenge winner. Her photo pops up, and Elle tells her she looks very rock-chick school-marm with a tattoo. She does look a bit like one of those Circus Of Horror people who make the semi-finals of Britain's Got Talent for twirling round in a hoop with a chainsaw wedged between their bum-cheeks. Anyway, Sophie Ellis Bextor vouches that school-marms can indeed have tattoos because she has one...and is not a school-marm. OK Sophs. Tanya is asked what she thinks, and she says that it doesn't even look like her, which is GREAT. It kind of is.

Next up Jessica, who is wearing a fur wrap to her judging. Her picture is flashed up, and she looks very matronly. Sophie tells her she's much more beautiful in person, and Elle calls her fat/says she has to be careful of her body angles in that dress, or whatever.

*advertising break*

After we resign ourselves to the fact that Fierce Yanet from So You Think You Can Dance UK Series 1 is eking out a living in Malibu adverts, we are back, in the middle of judging, which just feels wrong. Space out your ad-breaks better BINT-MODEL.

Next up to bat is ol' WitchFace. In her picture, what really stands out are her teeth, like a yellow beacon guiding ships away from the rocks. Also the fact that they've had to ferret so hard for this half-decent shot that Holly's face is a blur in the background. Oh and Tanya is totally mugging ridiculously hard, but that's true of every photo in her group. Elle thinks it looks fabulous, as do Julien and Sophie, but Charley tells them all that she lucked out with this one shot. Nobody really cares. Next is Stacey, vibrating like a wet chihuahua, and her shot is really nice, although she does rather look like she needs to wee. Such is modelling. Elle loves it, but Grace decides to go off in a huff about what a meek little mouse Stacey is and how she needs to BELIEVE IN HERSELF and be more confident. Oh God, are we back on Grace wanting girls with "personality" again? Jeez... Anyway, Charley agrees and says if she doesn't grow a backbone the industry will EAT HER UP NOM NOM NOM.

Kimberleigh's next, and her shot looks like she's being squashed in an invisible trash compactor. Charley says that she was really awkward on set, but Elle salutes her for managing to make the best of the god-awful position she's chosen to put herself in. Spoonface Hannah is next and her photo is of her mid-pour. Tanya is both pulling focus and actually now kind of looks like she has a boner. Maybe she stuck a banana up there, tricksy one that she is. Elle doesn't like the photo, because she doesn't see zesty in there, but Grace says she sees zesty! Look! She's kinking her foot up! ZESTY! Sophie agrees, and says "zesty" is a stupid brief anyway. It is but...so is everything else on this show? BE MORE SENSUAL BUT LESS EROTIC WHILST MAINTAINING A HINT OF FEMININE FUN! NO, TOO LATE, YOU'VE GONE JOYFUL!

Jade next, and Grace compliments her on the form-fitting jumpsuit she's wearing to panel. Apparently it's OBSCENE. It really isn't. I mean...I can make out she's got boobs. Is that enough for it to be an obscenity? They're nude next week. Anyway her photo is really busy - she's pulling herself forward with her pearls and backwards with her dress and her face looks a bit Beano. Charley likes it, but Julien thinks the photo is really unsexy compared to the girl in front of him. He then screams "WORRAPAIROFKNOCKERS! BANG BANG!". Thanks Mental Uncle Julien. [This show really needs a "Ufuoma & Julien" spin-off. - Steve]

Irrelevant Joanne is next. Her photo is mostly her ginger wig, with some of Irrelevant Joanne featuring somewhere. Sophie and Julien both really love the photo. In fact Julien calls her a Red Sex Ginger Bomb in some neat "Julien McDonald's Wheel O'Random Nouns" work, and also throws in a random reference to "Murder On The Dancefloor" for no earthly reason, that makes Sophie ginch her face up delightfully. Elle meanwhile thinks that she's got poor positioning in terms of her hands and her legs, and Grace thinks it's a disaster. In PERSON she wants to eat Joanne's face, but in this picture? No.

Holly next, and Elle says that she's trying to work out what that face is. It's a human face Elle. The face of a human. Holly tells Elle that it's an anxiety face, because she's nervous. Elle tells her not to do that face, because it both confuses and upsets her, and tells her that Holly's photo is going to be rubbish. The photo comes up and...is not rubbish. In fact Julien and Sophie both like it, although Sophie does appear to like everything. Juste follows, rocking some really weird African Princess styling. We briefly cover how she didn't like her styling, and we get a Very Real Lesson about how models are never allowed an opinion on anything. Elle says that she's been in Juste's position, worrying that her styling is going to make her look like a gonk, but Grace just starts hooting about how everyone here is a VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRL AND NEEDS TO GET OVER IT AND LEARN TO EMBRACE THEIR INN...oh wait, Mental Uncle Julien is wandering up to Juste and trying to look up her skirt. Thanks Mental Uncle Julien. For shutting Grace up as much as anything. He makes out that he's trying to style her to look more sexy, but really he's just checking for a penis.

Next is Imogen and her photo looks like Cavegirl. It's also the one where Kimberleigh has a whole lemon in her gob. Imogen tells the panel she hates her smile. Everyone tells her that she has a lovely smile, blah blah, minor personal-issues detour, let's move on. To Anastasija's photo, in which is spreading her legs horribly and is swamped by her Noddy Holder hair-do. Grace is DISGUSTED by how flat the picture is, as is Elle. Anastasija looks FAKE! The worst thing a woman can be on a reality show. Let's move on and forget this ever happened!

Last up for scrutiny is Ufuoma. Her photo is the hammiest thing ever. We're talking full on Ainsley Harriott "SUZIE SALT AND PERCY PEPPER!" in the face. Crazy Uncle Julien hoots that Ufuoma reminds him of OLIVER GOING "PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE SOME MORE!". Crazy Uncle Julien then laughs for about half an hour at his own...it's not even a joke is it? He laughs for about half an hour at his observation. Sophie likes it, and Elle says that it really shows versatility. Ufuoma gives her an eye-flash of approval.

The girls are sent off, as the judges deliberate. Irrelevant Joanne panicks alongside Jade that she thought her picture was going to be ok when she was on the shoot, but that thing on the screen looked awful. To be fair, when you're directly underneath the shadow of the Ginger Wig Of Death, it's hard to tell just how doom-laden it is.

The judges deliberate :

Tanya : Sophie really likes her photo, and her eye was really drawn to Tanya in some of the other girls photos as well (that may have been because she was pretty much wearing a clown nose and flashing her fanny at the camera).

Jessica : Elle and Grace both agree that she is stunning in person, but looks fat in this photo in particular.

Amy : Charley whinges some more about how she lucked into her photo and kept on staring at the floor all the time.

Stacey : Is Sophie's favourite, like anyone cares about that. Grace still hates her for her reality-tv persona mandated "nerves".

Kimberleigh : Charley calls her clumsy and OTT pantomime. Crazy Uncle Julien says she looks like a pantomime HORSE ho-ho.

Hannah : Grace says she's pretty but boring. Julien hates her.

Jade : Elle hates the pose and Grace thinks she looks ugly. Also Elle does random opera voice (*shrug*)

Joanne : Crazy Uncle Julien loves her picture and wants her to win the whole show (?!) but everyone else loathes it. Charley calls her cheesy and stiff, and Grace reminds him of how rubbish she was at boot-camp.

Holly : Julien loves how luxurious she looks, but says she has no confidence. Grace says she has no oomph.

Juste : Charley calls her a Confident Monster, and Grace hates how brittle she is, but everyone agrees she looks gorgeous.

Imogen : Crazy Uncle Julien thinks she looks like she has a lemon up her bum, and Charley says she needs to let go more.

Anastasija : Charley calls her boring, but Elle says that she loves her and her cleft chin. Sophie says she loved her personality and charisma in the room, but Julien thinks that she should go on the basis of this photograph.

Ufuoma : Everyone agrees she is stunning. Elle is really glad she was the thirteenth girl.

The judges stop deliberating.

The girls are called back in, and Elle lines them all up. It's been so long since I heard a needless pop-song on the soundtrack that I wonder if I've developed selective Saturdays deafness. It's time...for the results. This is a pain to recap, so I'm just going to say who is reprieved, in order.

1st : Holly
2nd : Juste
3rd : Stacey
4th : Tanya
5th : Ufuoma
6th : Hannah
7th : Jade
8th : Amy
9th : Jessica
10th : Imogen

Oh, also, rather bizarrely, instead of standing and watching this process as it unfolds, like on every other iteration of this show, the winning girls are squirrelled off to a green room backstage and not shown anything. Most odd.

Anyway, this leaves a Bottom Three of Anastasija, Joanne, and Kimberleigh. They are now the three girls who stand before Elle. And only one can advance, because she has more potential and will probably be more versatile. And that girl is...Anastasija. Well of course. Can't break up your bitches this early, and also Joanne was irrelevant and Kimberleigh was hopeless. And has apparently turned up to panel looking like a very amateurish Magenta from Rocky Horror. Anastasija smiles like she knew this was going to happen, as Adele starts her Mournful Piano. She skips backstage where Ufuoma and Tanya rush to congratulate her first, probably in Tanya's case because she knows Anastasija would pitch a bitch-fit for the next three episodes if she didn't, culminating in her throwing a spatula at Tanya's head or something.

Back in Elle's Hall Of Exploded Mirror, she gives Kimberleigh and Irrelevant Joanne a big ol hug. Kimberleigh cries (*duh*) and Irrelevant Joanne doesn't really seem that bothered. She says she can go into any agency anywhere in the world and there will be plenty of work there for her. Which is of course why she had to put herself through the giant ginger-pube wig slurping fruity tea. Because there's so much other work for her. Everyone hugs, everyone cries, the end.

Next week : BOOBS.

2 comments:

  1. Awesome recap, thanks. Giggling away to myself all the way through.

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  2. Thank you for thanking me. If we get another comment on here I think that's 10% of the viewership reading right?

    ReplyDelete