Sunday, 14 August 2011

Bitchin' in the kitchen (and crying in the salon all night)

Top 12 - 8th August 2011

Hello, and welcome to week six of Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model. Frankly, this week I feel cheated. Do you want to know why? I will tell you why...We’ve had to wait SIX WEEKS for the makeovers. Ah, the makeovers, the best day in the Top Model calendar. Where experience has not yet told the girls that they more than likely will look better after a professional and noted stylist has done their hair for them. So who will cry? Who will get the unworkable and painful weave? Who will whine so much at their drastic transformation that they get binned from the competition for not sucking it up and have to go home bald? There’s only one way to find out...

Previously! Walking on a runway so precarious it’s open to the public! Janice screams in people’s face! Amy cries! Joanne and Kimberly go home.

Coming up today! HAIRCUTS! OF! DOOM!

I am rubbing my hands together with glee.

TITLES! Woah, Amy looks like she’s doing that bad smell acting thing from the Joey Tribbiani School of theatre. [It didn't really occur to me until this week how awful this year's titles are. None of the models look like they've got a damn clue. - Steve]

We begin with an XX song that I can’t name because they all sound the same. Hannah is really shocked that Joanne went home, implying that she wasn’t at all surprised that Kimberley went home. Holly tells us that “We are upset that Joanne has gone... Kimmy’s gone as well” Snerk. Amy watches the conversation with a “Huh wtf” look on her face. Juste tells us that Kimmy didn’t relate to the other girls very well. This is all over a montage of “Kimmy” wiping her eyes with kitchen towel. Oh love, how do you ever expect to be a top model if you don’t use proper handkerchiefs? At least a Kleenex mansize please, you’re not an animal.

Meanwhile, in the “Confessional room” (All similarities to the Big Brother diary room are entirely coincidental) Amy and Juste cackle as Jessica ponders the question “Who doesn’t like Kim?”. Cut to Kim doing a sadface and a cry.

Ufuoma interviews that Kim’s departure was sad to say the least...FOR HER. Ooh, I’m loving these bitchy girls already. We could’ve been on week six of this already. We could’ve had this kind of episode at least FIVE TIMES by now. What a waste...

E-Mail time! Which arrives by magic runner in a white flashing phone box.

“A snip-snip here and a snip-snip there...” Reads Holly “You know what’s coming, girls, be ready by 7am”. Cue much whooping. Not only from me. Jessica is so excited by this news, she does a little dance. The rest of the girls scatter to look at their hair and say goodbye to it.

Meanwhile, in the diary room, Jade predicts she’ll be crying tomorrow, whilst Ufuoma looks like she already is. Hannah and Holly will update us tomorrow when they’re bald.

There’s a bit about an eye which heralds the passing of time and the girls all file out of the Top Model house and on to the Model Bus. Jade tells us that she slept with a firm grip on her hair, whilst Amy holds on to hers longingly. Imogen looks at her patronisingly but still runs a hand through hers and tells us she’s been gentle with it today. Hannah laughs at all three of them.

There’s a gratuitous advertising shot of a place called Percy and Reed. Elle is there. She welcomes who we think is the girls to “our Favourite week". I think it’s your favourite week, Elle, because you’ve got eleven full sized Barbie dolls to play with and you know that you are in a position to make or break any of them. It’s not the girls she’s talking to though, it’s the Judges. Grace is practically rubbing her legs with excitement, Charley has his “Ugh, Girls and hair” face on and Julien looks like he’s trying to remember he is nice now. Elle has an idea that she’s going to split up the girls and each one has two or three to do makeovers with. Share the blame, Elle, brilliant plan. I bet it’s Julien that gets two. (More's the pity - Chris)

Cut back to the bus. Ufuoma wants long hair, if she has short hair, she’s gonna swearword. Juste doesn’t mind because it can’t be worse than it is now. Clever girl, Juste. She’s got a plan. She knows what she is doing.

Back at the salon, Elle shares out the girls. Grace is happy, Julien does indeed get the odd two girls, but they are his favourite two. And Charley, which he is now named, has what sounds like “the bodies”. Unusually, his reaction is not “how did you know?” and leaving the country under an assumed identity, he shouts YEAH BABY.

Paul Percival is now allowed to talk, he’s the stylist, he says that they’ve obviously got this far because they see something in them, but being pretty doesn’t give them an edge. IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD MENTIONED THIS BEFORE! “Aggy didn’t work until she cut her hair” nods Grace, knowingly. (Of Kim & Aggie? Or Rebecca X-Factor's Auntie Aggy? - Chris) [And more importantly changed her name, but since this show doesn't have Pseudonym Week, I guess we're ignoring that. - Steve] And Charley tries very hard to look interested. Paul Percival explains that their hair is a reflection of their personality. THEIR BRAND! Shouts Grace, like a massive swot. Julien tries to look interested but just looks confused. Hair can change your whole persona says Paul Percival ominously. We know this Paul. It can change seemingly sensible girls into girls that cry for a whole week.

The judges line up as the girls enter the salon. Elle welcomes them, but they are subdued because they are going to get their hair cut. “IT’S MAKEOVER DAY YIPPEE!” shouts Elle. There is a half arsed woo from the girls. Elle explains that Paul Percival does the hair of Madonna and Lady Gaga and they have worked for Vogue and Vanity Fair so the girls are in very good hands. Tanya does a Miranda-esque eyes of fear to the camera.

Elle has Juste, Hannah and Holly. When she says Hannah the camera is on Tanya. How can I be expected to remember names when the editors can’t?

And Charley has Imogen, Jade and Ufuoma. The very lucky girls who have Grace are Tanya, Stacey and Jessica, who BETTER SMILE GIRL. “She’s the bonkers one” says And Charley, apropos of nothing.

Finally, Julien has Anastasija and Amy. Elle wishes everyone a fantastic day.

Hannah interviews that everyone was nervous, though some were trying to hide it better than others. Anastasija is crying before she’s even got the backwards cape on, saying that she wasn’t nervous at all before now. Hannah gleefully tells us that “Some people” i.e. Anastasija, thought they were cool beforehand but when they got there they were all OH GOD! Then she realises that this is quite bitchy so she quickly adds that she was one of them before giving us the most disingenuous laugh ever. Cut to Hannah back in the salon saying that she better win if they cut her hair off because she’ll have “No life” if she has short hair. Perspective much? Oh, silly me, forgot what I was watching for a second. These girls think that a perspective is a list of college courses.

Ufuoma interviews that when they told her she had And Charley she lost all hope. Nice. She felt that it was out of her hands completely. Yes, Ufuoma, that’s the point. She sits on the salon chair hyperventilating and says she feels like she’s being sentenced and asks for the verdict. And Charley tells her that she has a beautiful face and does that one eye closed photographer thing with his hand. GROAN. “Beautiful faces can take very short hair” he says. Ufuoma automatically puts her hands to her head as if to hold on to hers. HOWEVER, shouts And Charley. The wag. Today she’s having her hair treated and straightened. Ufuoma breathes a sigh of relief and is moved to hug And Charley. Imogen looks terrified as Paul Percival berates her for never thinking that she needs a fringe. Jade is told that it would be an actual crime to cut her hair off, but it needs more punch. She exhales noisily in relief. Ufuoma, Imogen and Jade then join hands like they have survived some kind of heinous disaster (which in a way they have - Chris) and shout something about Charley’s Angels.

Hair montage – part one. The hairdresser dangles Imogen’s hair in her face once they’ve cut it off. There’s tears in her eyes. And Charley sits behind her staring at her in the mirror, clearly enjoying this tremendously.

Cue to Elle’s girls. Holly wonders aloud what they are going to do to her. Elle sits her down and tells her that she has an amazing body but her hair is mumsy. They’re going to be adding layers and making her a blonde bombshell. I knew it. Elle loves Holly. Those two should just get a room or something. Hannah next. She’s getting a cut to a manageable length. Elle then asks Juste what she thinks she’s going to do. I like where this is going. “Cut my hair!” says Juste. The girl’s been paying attention. Elle says she knows this, but how does Juste think she’s going to cut her hair? Juste’s losing her confidence now... “Short?” she whispers. YES! Juste puts her hands on her face and whispers “oh my goodness”. Short and really dark! Says Elle, enthusiastically. Juste’s facade nearly crumbles completely.

Hannah interviews that Juste is really pretty and probably wasn’t expecting to get man hair. No shit! They discuss what kind of brown she’s going to get. “Deep” says the hairdresser and the look of horror that flashes across Juste’s face is amazing. She manages to keep the front up though. Ufuoma gleefully tells us that Juste’s first nightmare is going dark, then the second nightmare is the crop over a montage of Juste’s pained face. Oh dear. Ufuoma says that “Reality is going to be like she’s dreaming in a nightmare” which of course makes PERFECT SENSE. (I hear Ufuoma's now working writing lyrics for Beyonce - Chris) Juste actually can’t speak by this point. She still isn’t crying yet though. Power to her.

Hilariously, the music changes to Whip My Hair over hair montage part two.

Anastasija next. She tells us that she was always blonde and always had blonde hair. I bet her baby photos were amusing. If they cut it or make it ginger she’s not going to like it because it’s something new. Paul Percival says she’s going to get some “Directional” colour. Cut to Julien telling Amy that she and Anastasija are going to get something completely different. Uh-oh. Julien is going to try and do something special isn’t he? Those poor girls... Julien tells them that it’s so different they wouldn’t want to go back. It isn’t clear if this means into society or back to dull hair. Amy and Anastasija pretend to be pleased with this and high five each other. Yeah, right.

Hair montage three!

Elle and And Charley stand behind Juste discussing her. He asks if she’s cutting it. CUTTING IT OFF says Elle, with obvious glee. Juste is still managing not to cry as Elle continues to say OFF, OFF, OFF. This girl is a hero.

Tanya interviews that she’s not as nervous as the other girls who are all, like, “My hair”. Cut to Tanya in the salon chair being told she’s getting a page boy haircut like a bowl cut and immediately bursting into tears. “What’s the matter?” asks Grace “are you nervous?” heh. She gives her a hug and asks her if she’s going to go for it like she has a choice. She nods. The hairdresser helpfully reminds her that this is what happens when you are a model. Imogen interjects by saying you can’t be all “Waaah! I want my hair like that” which is helpful. [Well, at least someone did their homework, I suppose. - Steve] Amy is going to be ice white notices Julien, Grace explains that that is because her girls are going to have beauty and sophistication.

Imogen then wanders towards Juste who is still managing not to cry as the brown hair dye is washed from her head. She waves her ponytail in front of her and Juste holds it in her hand as if it’s her dear, departed hamster.

Imogen is now in the chair again and Elle tells And Charley that she thought he was going to give Imogen a long, 60’s thing. (Jim Morrison's penis? - Chris) And Charley, who is now wearing a cape, tells Elle that he thought they were his girls. Oh they will be yours, just keep working the charm.

After the adverts – Tears! Juste finally breaks down.

Advertising break! Cars, spot cream, beds and shampoo. Ooh, fried chicken!

We’re back. There will be some product placement.

Jade is done. She has the same hair only slightly glossier and with a wave. She’s pleased. Imogen has her fringe. “Oh, brilliant” groans And Charley, in a not at all creepy way that would signify that this is one of his fantasies. She loves it. Imogen and Jade pose in front of the mirror.

Juste finally cracks over I’ll Stand By You, Girls Aloud version as her hair is chopped. Your effort was valiant, lady. You lasted far longer than I thought you would. Hannah tells her not to worry about it as her long hair stays long. Jessica says that she’s been hanging around for ages and is now getting scared. Yeah, what about Jessica? She’s bored of listening to Tanya go on about her haircut and her crying because her hair was so nothing. She ineffectually hands her a box of tissues. Julien helps the situation by putting on a godawful wig, walking over to Tanya and saying he thinks that this is what she’s going to look like. Tanya takes it in better spirits than I would.

Finally, Jessica. Grace promises that she hasn’t forgotten about her. She’s getting the front relaxed and a new weave, which is good because the old one is looking tired.

Hannah is finished! She’s got basically the same but a bit blonder and a bit curlier. Of course she’s happy! Ufuoma is happy with hers because it is basically the same too but straighter.

Juste is still sobbing, but she looks AMAZING. Ufuoma spots her and gleefully interviews about her helmet hair and how disgusting it is and how she would be crying if it was her. [I can't help feeling Ufuoma should be concerned that they did literally NOTHING to her hair. That's rarely a good sign - Steve] Julien says that Juste looks like a boy and she’ll probably be crying tonight and he wouldn’t want to be her. I’d expect that kind of behaviour from the girls Julien, but from you?

I feel it pertinent to explain now that the finished do’s are being shown by having two side by side pictures of the girls wearing before and after t-shirts and looking grumpy in the before pictures. They are really dumbing down this year, aren’t they? More so than usual or is that just me? [I particularly liked the girls who went as far as to give thumbs down to their old looks and thumbs down to the new ones. Giant hams, the lot of them. - Steve]

Cut to Holly getting so much weave that Julien isn’t sure she can move her head. Grace then gives Julien a deservedly hard time about his do which he admits doesn’t move.

Amy has gone copper. Julien asks her what she thinks and she manages to squeeze out a “quite like it”. Julien then tells her that this isn’t her actual colour, but she’s going to be going more gothic like a black goth. “Are you joking?” asks Amy, very very seriously? He isn’t. She’s going to be like a black goth. The transformation is coming! He shouts gleefully.

Grace LOVES Tanya’s hair. And Tanya is happy too. Tanya is doing an actual thumbs up in her before and after picture. Julien then goes over to Jessica and compares her discarded weave to a little dog.

Juste, I maintain, looks amazing. Elle agrees with me. Juste has her hair in a doggy bag and compares her experience to torture, but she’s happy because she can do anything now. Stacey is ice blonde, which allegedly makes her look like a fairy. Elle has turned Holly into her because she’s her favourite. She’s happy because her hair is thick, blonder and lush.

Jessica looks great too, she’s more confident with her new weave and this means she’s really going to go for it and not be ashamed of who she is (!?). She goes one better than Tanya and does a thumbs up and a thumbs down in her before and after pics.

Anastasija is at the sink. Wait for it, her hair is...PINK. She’s told this and bursts into tears whilst Julien squeals excitedly. He then goes over to Amy and ruffles her now black hair and asks if she’s happy. She’s not sure. Anastasija loved her pink hair and Amy pretends to be happy with hers. She actually looks pisssed off in her after photo.

The girls all squeal at each other back at the house. Tanya isn’t convinced by Anastasija’s pink hair. Juste compares herself and Anastasija to Ken and Barbie. It’s a better simile than I could ever have come up with. RIP The blonde, European axis of awesome (thanks for that one, Chris). (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - Chris) Jade interviews that Amy’s hair looks like it’s been plopped on her head. She’s right. Amy thinks it wasn’t what they expected. Imogen and Tanya are bitching in the kitchen about how she looks like Ozzy Osbourne. Amy tries to brazen it out. Imogen reminds us that it’s a competition and she’s just glad that she looks alright.

The kitchen bitching has made its way to Ufuoma, who agrees with the Ozzy comparison, and she expresses that she hopes they know what they are doing and that they can’t kick her out after that. Meanwhile in the diary room, it’s Tanya’s hair that provokes the most discussion. Imogen thinks she looks like a mushroom. Juste doesn’t understand the short and going longer part because it’s old fashioned. The talk then moves to Stacey’s bob, which is compared to a blue rinse by Imogen and Holly. Nice, although correct.

New E-Mail! Anastasija reads this one. “Tomorrow you will have to leave your *indecipherable* at the door because *indecipherable* got what it takes to become a Top Model”. I’m sorry, I listened to it three times and I still don’t know what’s going on. It looks like the girls don’t, either. Ufuoma must have, because she’s asked for hair removal cream. It’s gonna be nudies, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, back in the bitchykitchen, Amy is still trying to convince everyone that she likes her hair. The Ozzy music doesn’t help her, production team. She says that she’s trying to get used to it as Tanya tries unsuccessfully to hold down the laughter. Amy is worried that it might be hard to work and that it’s like a hide. Everyone around her laughs at her.

After the break... Nudies! Surprise guests! Elimination room which still sounds like a posh name for a toilet!

Adverts – I miss the Tom Daley advert every five minutes. Seriously. [I've taken its absence of late to mean there aren't many gays watching the show this year. - Steve] And I want to see One Day.

Finally, a song of awesomeness. The girls stride into the studio over “Song 4 Mutya”. That’s more like it. Waiting for them is Liz Hotchin who is the brand manager for All for Eve, who make bath and beauty products that raise money for gynaecological cancer research. She is accompanied by Ross from Friends. Liz thinks that the natural form is the most beautiful so for today’s shoot they are going to be in the nip. Ufuoma is happy with this; Stacey looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. Ufuoma interviews that she really likes nudity. Holly wonders why you would be excited about stripping off. Ross from Friends turns out to be one of Elle’s favourite photographers, Nihat Odabasi. I notice at this point, Liz has scary Tanya Turner crazy eyes.

Elle strides into the hair and makeup room and exclaims how everyone looks so different and unique. She reminds them that during a nude shoot, the most important thing is arriving without underwear. That’s kind of what nude is. Elle thinks it’s important that the girls are not too smiley. Liz thinks it should be about the eyes, but she would.

Anastasija is first. She is wearing underwear. Elle wants her more innocent. Anastasija doesn’t understand how to do that with black eyeliner. When the shoot is over, Anastasija doesn’t put her robe on quick enough for Elle’s liking and she rushes over to cover her up, telling her to keep some secrets. I don’t understand the point of this. Holly looks uncomfortable, as does Imogen. Stacey looks skeletal. She explains that she normally does well in photoshoots, but the nakedness made her uncomfortable. Elle tells her that she can’t pull off the lying down pose that she’s doing. Hannah interviews that Stacey ended up having to have a chat with Elle about how skinny she is. Elle and her sit together and tells her that she was worried at her “slightness” and that this distorted her pictures. Elle just wants her to be happier and healthier. Stacey explains that she wishes she could be as big as a size eight but she can’t. (Oh go eat a sandwich - Chris) Elle ends this on a hug. Hannah says that she explained to her that Elle was talking to her out of love. She hopes it doesn’t affect her chances in the competition.

Amy isn’t that uncomfortable with a nude shoot, which translates that she is really uncomfortable. Elle tells her to make herself more comfortable. Liz says she looks fierce, but you can tell she doesn’t mean in the good way. Elle and Liz bemoan her lack of versatility. Jade thinks that Juste is doing the best out of all of them; Liz thinks that she nailed it.

Hannah next, Elle thinks she’s fantastic and her haircut brings out her cheekbones. Jade is regretting her tattoo and Liz doesn’t like it. Jade interviews that at least she has got less than Tanya, who’s got six. Tania also needs a good meal. Elle doesn’t know what to do with all the tattoos.

Ufuoma interviews that she had prepared herself for nudity, but hadn’t prepared herself for the wig, which kept moving. This wasn’t helped by the photographer asking her to shake her head and play with her hair. Don’t blame the wig if you fail, Ufuoma. That’s a go directly to eliminated card. Elle thinks she’s beautiful but doesn’t think that she photographs well.

Finally, Jessica. THEY’RE PLAYING THE FLOOD, STEVE! [*grits teeth* - Steve] She thinks it’s worth being the last because she knows how the other girls have done. Elle is proud of her because she’s on her tiptoes. Elle shouts GORGEOUS a lot and asks the other girls if they’re watching, because that’s how it’s done.

Clothes back on, the girls applaud themselves. Elle is so pleased with all of them there’s a treat when they get home. Jade thinks it might be male strippers. Um...

They all run screaming into the house. Chipmunk, as I think he’s called, is waiting for them in the house to sing them a little song. Juste and Anastasija don’t have a clue who he is. Luckily, he says Chipmunk lots so we all know who he is. Holly says that Imogen wants to take the Chipmunk into the diary room alone. He’s 12, FFS! Amy actually screams. Chipmunk goes into the diary room with them all. Imogen offered him her BB pin, but he didn’t want it. I had to ask my little brother what that was. Apparently it’s some kind of messaging service. (I was imagining some sort of 1950s debutante situation - Chris) [I thought she meant her virginity. - Steve]

EMAIL! Thankfully read by Ufuoma this time. “You’ve all had stunning transformations this week, but are you transforming into top models?" Blah blah, elimination, blah 10 left. Ufuoma will be so swearword if she’s eliminated. Stacey is worried because her photoshoot didn’t go well. Tanya is packing. Anastasija would like Tanya to go home because she can’t stand her. Amy is worried because she thinks she needs to show her smiley, girly side.

Backstage at the judging room. Elle has 70’s disco hair and Grace is wearing a curtain. She says she’s going to go out naked in homage to the girls. Joining them on the judging panel is “TV’s most stylish male, George Lamb”. These are not my words. Elle says she’ll see him on set. He says he’s still got it. (the clap? - Chris) I say I’m a little bit sick in my mouth.

We’re introduced to the judges again. Charley is And Charley again. Elle welcomes them to the elimination room for the second time. She thinks it’s going to be hard to chose because they all looked amazing in their makeovers and in their photographs.

Blah blah prizes. Still no Alisha modelling card on the Models 1 wall I see. Heh.

The girls clap the prizes because they’re told to.

Juste first. Grace barely recognises her. She thinks her photo is alright. I agree. Julien thinks that her makeover is the best. George doesn’t know what she looked like before but thinks she looks great now. Julien then says that her new hair do stops her from being versatile. I’m paraphrasing here, but Elle basically tells him that he’s a bitch.

Amy next. She looks a bit like Zoolander in her photo. And Charley thinks she’s come a long way. Elle has to say that she was the hardest to work with as her expressions were samey. She responds to this by pulling the exact same face as she’s pulling in the photo.

Coming up! Decision time (Surely not?!). Someone is amazing but nothing else, someone is extraordinary and someone is going home.

Commercials! Harvester takeaway? Surely the draw of Harvester is unlimited salad. Why would you want to limit that?

We’re back with Ufuoma. Her picture is a bit wrong and I can’t figure out why. Elle asks And Charley to give his opinion as she’s his. Oh yes, Ufuoma, you will be. And Charley likes that she’s smiling in the picture, but he thinks it’s awkward. Julien thinks she’s sexy but not a model. Elle tells him off for being harsh. Grace agrees. It’s sweet verging into saccharine. Ufuoma thinks she can improve on it. Elle doesn’t care what they think, she thinks Ufuoma looks sweet and gorgeous.

Charley loves Anastasija’s picture. Julien thinks it looks like it comes from Vogue and that she looks young and modern. Grace disagrees. George isn’t sure about the pink hair in person, but it comes across Barbarella and Jean Shrimpton in the photo.

Grace doesn’t realise Imogen’s photo is her. Julien thinks that her makeover is the most boringest. Elle asks if he had lime for breakfast, presumably because he’s so sour. (HE MUSTAH EATEN SO MENNY LEMONS, COZ EE IS SO BIT-TAH, I WOULD RAVVER BE MADE OVAH BY CHAR-LEE COZZ EE IS MUCH FIT-TAH! - Kate Nash) And Charley thinks you can make lots of money if you don’t look too extreme. Oh the possibilities of that statement. Grace thinks she looks like she’s got Elephantitis of the leg, which is handy because George loves Elephantitis. He summarises that Imogen has a lovely top half but the bottom half needs a bit of work. HURRRRR. George didn’t realise that it would be so brutal. Spend some time with the girls, George, they’ll show you brutal. (and their tits - Chris)

Jade next. She looks like she’s landed awkwardly. Elle loves her baby face and heavenly body. Julien thinks she represents real women because she’s got big tits. He loves her tits though, he wishes he had a pair like that. YOU’RE TALKING YOUR THOUGHTS OUT LOUD AGAIN, JULIEN. George tells him to give it a few more years. Grace reminds her that Elle is the only person in the universe with nice toes.

Stacey next. She looks pissed off in her photo. She says she found it hard because she’s so slim. Elle’s euphemism of choice for thin today is “fine”. Elle thinks it’s wonderful that she found a position that made her look more wholesome (trans- less fine).

Hannah was apparently confident on this shoot. Grace is drawn to a place where she shouldn’t be looking. Tanya’s ribs are on show in her photo. She’s wearing the same blouse as Jade in a different colour. Elle thinks her photo is gorgeous, strong and interesting. And Charley thinks that there’s a slight severity about it. Slight?! If it was any more severe it would be a military coup. Julien thinks that she looks like a fantastic wild pussycat. I think she looks like a fantastic wild pussycat that looks like Keira Knightley, which is never a good thing. Julien asks George if she could be his pussycat, to which he replies he’s got one. That’s a no, then. He would, however, like to get to know her in theory, whatever that means. I’m unsure whether we are still talking in metaphor.

Next up is Holly, who hasn’t done her hair to their liking. THAT’S A NINE HOUR HAIRCUT! Shouts Grace. Her photo is ok, but she was the client’s favourite. Grace thinks she was born to do this kind of work, but she’s a bit meh in person. Julien thinks she could jazz it up a bit and put her lights on. I don’t even think he knows what this means. Grace’s final advice is that she should channel Fiercy McFiercy, which I presume is Elle, but I’m not convinced by Elle’s personality. She’s bland like yoghurt. Inventing new words for skinny does not a Fiercy McFiercy make. Fierce.

Finally, Jessica, who looks like she is throwing a discus in her shoot. And Charley thinks she looks like a bronze. Elle says she did that every time. George thinks she looks mind blowingly beautiful and And Charley shoots him a look that says “I’M THE ONE THAT MAKES THE VAGUELY CREEPY SEXUAL REMARKS AROUND HERE BUCKO”. Julien leads some applause.

Elle tells them that the judges have a difficult decision to decide who will be leaving this week, and the girls all file to the backstage area which inexplicably has a cheap pine wardrobe in the corner of it. Holly tells Imogen that she thinks Jess will get picture of the week.

Back in the elimination room, the judges face the big screen and look like they are taking part in the world’s most difficult game of Catchphrase.

They think Juste is gorgeous, but Grace thinks she’s gorgeous and nothing else. “What more could you want?” Says And Charley, CREEPILY.

Amy isn’t for George. And Charley was surprised by what he saw from her in the flesh, compared to what he’s seen of her before through the hole he’s carved in the wall by her bed so he can watch her sleep.

Ufuoma is just a beautiful girl according to Julien, George thinks that if that is her best shot she’s not cutting it.

Grace doesn’t know what kind of work Anastasija could do, and she’s just middle of the road. Julien helpfully points out you don’t see girls like that in the middle of the road. Note to Julien – It’s usually only crazy persons that are found in the middle of the road.

Imogen next, Elle thinks she’s better in photo than in person. George didn’t think much of her on the runway. And Charley thinks it’s rare that a person doesn’t look good in the flesh but looks good in a photograph. That’s why he’s in the bushes taking photos. He uses himself as an example.

Grace thinks that Stacey’s emaciated look is good for catwalk and editorial, but not good for beauty shots. Elle thinks she looks amazing. Julien does a complete 360 from last cycle and says it’s not good to promote the too-thin look. Elle nods sadly.

Julien thinks that Hannah is a beautiful, natural girl.

Grace thinks Jade is a sexbomb. Elle thinks her body is phenomenal, but she veered on pin-up. George is all over her. Not literally, but he doesn’t think she’s a top model.

Everyone loves Tanya. YAWN.

Julien thinks Holly is amazing but boring. He can’t believe she was having her hair done for nine hours. Elle reminds him that it was only six. That makes all the difference, then. Elle whines that this is average weave time. The rest of the judges make doubtful faces.

Jessica is Julien’s winner. Grace thinks she’s extra ordinary. They toddle off to make their decision.

Worried faces back in the Elimination room. First called and photograph of the week is Jessica. Tanya next, followed by teachers' pet Holly. They hug backstage. Juste next, followed by Hannah then Anastasija. More whooping. Imogen is next through, then Jade and finally Amy, who needs to find one more expression to go with the one she already has.

Ufuoma and Stacey are left. Whoever doesn’t get called...blah blah.

Ufuoma is beautiful in person but her photo was disappointing, although full of charm. Stacey is...wait for this segment’s too skinny euphemism...concerningly fragile.

So who is through?


It’s Stacey. Bye Bye Ufuoma. You were by far the bitchiest and we loved you for it. (*sniff* - Chris) She interviews that she knew she wouldn’t get through when she saw the picture. This interview takes place in a corridor whilst a man wanders around in the background in a high vis jacket. Julien reflects that it’s been a hard week, but it’s a competition. We’re so glad you understand. Elle isn’t sure Ufuoma had the potential to continue. She fades out of the photo.


We look forward to seeing you then.

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