Sunday, 30 September 2012

Bussin' Lisa Blues

Top Four – 24th September 2012

I’ve got a bit of a confession to make, readers, since this show has been systematically getting rid of anyone even vaguely interesting I’ve been finding it quite hard to muster up any enthusiasm for the show.  Sure, it’s been functional, but it seems that they’ve taken the worst parts of the last two series’ rather than the best and used them to make a programme that is quite possibly turning out to be the dullest thing ever. Don’t even get me started on Bloody Anita. [Look on the bright side - at least this is your last recap of the series. Muggins here got stuck with the final. - Steve]

So, anyway. Last week, Risikat basically got the chop because reasons and Anita and Letitia were big fat cry babies. BE DA ONE I REBECCA LOOS!

We begin with some Torontoporn and Lisa interviewing about how hard it was being in the bottom two then talking some tripe about the competition being really tough now and it only takes one slip up to go. OOH (SPOILER) FORESHADOWING. Bloody Anita then does some sub-Joy speech about Risikat’s exit meaning that there’s one less girl in the competition. Bloody Anita, you are not fit to shine Joy’s Ugg boots so don’t even try to be her.  You’re rubbish at it. Emma is understandably confused as to her previous feedback about her personality not cutting it so she’s going to work on it.  Bloody Anita interviews that she was surprised Letitia got through after her performance.  Letitia wants to prove she deserves to be there. Spoiler honey, you’re never going to do that. Lisa then interviews that she thought Letitia had run out of chances. Lisa is basically the voice of the viewer.  Letitia then gives Bloody Anita dirty looks behind her back. She’s still there!

Slightly creepy shot of the girls apparently sleeping in their hotel rooms and the curtains automatically opening. I’m concerned the cameraman is watching them sleep. I’m sure this wasn’t what they were going for but this is what’s coming across. Emma interviews that it was nice to relax with a bit of ice hockey.  And she wonders why they don’t like her. Bloody Anita puts her make up on in the car “for the lads”. It’s like BixMix died for NOTHING.

They arrive at the ice hockey place and are disgusted to be wearing smelly clothes. Bloody Anita says that she normally likes the smell of men, but not today. BECAUSE SHE’S A SLUT REMEMBER? She interviews that she was made to play ice hockey against the professionals. Letitia calls this exercise and learning how to socialise again.  Lisa interviews with obvious glee that Bloody Anita kept falling over. I can see how she would enjoy that.  All Bloody Anita is interested in is that two men picked her up and claims that she would have gotten herself a sense of balance had she had all day to practice. Hmm. We see the girls pretending to play ice hockey.  Lisa then bizarrely interviews that her and Bloody Anita are BEST MATES EVER since they were paired in the flying photoshoot and that she loves her. I used to have respect for Lisa. Hang your head, lady. [I like that this friendship which has apparently existed ALL SERIES has only manifested now. Especially since the reason Lisa gave for picking Anita to share her challenge win last week was because Anita hadn't won anything yet, rather than actually admitting to liking her. - Steve] We then see Anita flirting with the hockey players in the manner of a ten year old boy pulling a girls hair. Bloody Anita interviews that Emma and Letitia are only friends with each other because they have no other friends and they’re not proper friends like her and Lisa. Fuck off Bloody Anita. Seriously. It’s looking like you’re going to win this and it KILLS ME so the least you can do is shut up. Bloody Anita doesn’t see Emma as competition and she’s unmemorable. Emma says she’s had fun but it’s back to work tomorrow.

The girls return to the penthouse for an Elle Mail. “Hello girls, when you’re a top model you’re always judged by your style, so it’s time to put your fashion knowledge to the test. Love, Elle”. Bloody Anita confesses to having no fashion knowledge at all. Lisa thinks that the challenge might have something to do with style. I have never facepalmed harder. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD ONE, LISA. Letitia thinks it could go anywhere and is hoping to win it. Her confidence has returned and she’s back. She tells the girls the same over dinner. She’s wanted to be the best since she was a little girl, predictably. Lisa interviews that she’s not as close with Letitia as the others and this isn’t Letitia’s fault. BOKAY THEN. They just don’t click. Bloody Anita thinks Letitia is clever and only pretends to be nice and she doesn’t like people like that. Well, hate yourself, Anita.

The challenge of the day becomes clear as we see Jeanne Beker talking to camera the next morning. Jeanne is a fashion journalist and presenter so I’m guessing that the girls will be doing something along those lines.  Yes, she introduces them on camera. Lisa explains Jeanne is big in Canada. Letitia thinks that she knows everyone in Canada. Jeanne tells the girls that their challenge will be walking the streets of Toronto and look at the real people and ask them about their sense of style. 

Coming up! Emma doesn’t know who Karl Lagerfeld is and Whitney has “a line”. Adverts! I don’t know what to think about Lana Del Ray now it seems she has a modicum of self awareness.

We’re back. Lisa interviews that the challenge was twofold. First, being interviewed about fashion and secondly, interviewing others about fashion. Jeanne starts with Letitia and asks her what boho chic is. I know NOTHING about fashion and I know what that means. Letitia, unsurprisingly, looks blank. She interviews that she didn’t know she would be asked about fashion. She hasn’t heard of Michael Kors either.  Lisa fares a little better by going on about how great she thinks Henry Holland is. Bloody Anita is asked to talk about her love of style. She interviews that she could either try and wing it and potentially stuff up or she could just be honest about the fact she’s an idiot. She goes for the latter and tells Jeanne that she loves fashion but she doesn’t know anything about it.

Emma not only hasn’t heard of Karl Lagerfeld, she hasn’t heard of Valentino or Martin Margella either. She confesses that it didn’t go well. Jeanne hands her the microphone and tells her to talk to people whose look she likes. Having been given a challenge where she has to use a modicum of her own judgement she immediately flounders and stands in the middle of the street looking lost. Lisa points this out in her interview.   Lots of people don’t stop for her. When someone does, she asks them what they were thinking when they got up that morning. Unfortunately, the lady doesn’t punch her, merely politely replies that she thought she might need a jumper in the cold. She then calls her scarf a handy piece.

Letitia doesn’t fare much better and is ignored in droves. She finds a bloke to talk to and Lisa says “oh look! She’s talking to a maaaaaan” in a way that no friend of Anita’s ever should.  Letitia asks the man why he chose his outfit. His answer was that they were cheap.  Letitia just giggles at this.  She asks him about his influences and he says Bill Cunningham, Jean Luc Goddard and Quentin Tarantino. Letitia hasn’t heard of any of those “designers”. (One is a photographer and two are directors, fact fans). Lisa asks Jeanne if she’s heard of them.  The man thinks that anyone with half a brain must have at least heard of Quentin Tarantino. He clearly doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Letitia says that she has but crumbles when pressed. How depressing.

Bloody Anita also fails face first.  Nobody wants to talk to her. When someone does shop she asks them if their outfit is what they would normally wear shopping. They say yes then a tumbleweed goes past. She then asks what the lady’s favourite colour is. She says blue. This is prime time television. NEXT!

Lisa is shown to fare a little better as the first person that she asks stopped. She tells them how much she likes their outfits and asks them what they call their style. Obviously, because they’re hipster arseholes, their look is ‘peasant glam’.  Jeanne is pleased with Lisa and calls her a star.

Feedback time! Jeanne likes Bloody Anita’s spirit and the fact that she was honest about the fact that she was denser than anti-matter.  She thinks Emma has naivetĂ© when it comes to fashion and she needs to believe that she’s passionate. So it’s ok for Bloody Anita? She can feel that Lisa is fascinated by fashion and thinks that Letitia is clueless about fashion and popular culture in general. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. The winner of the challenge will be made over and is going out on the town with an Extra Special Celebrity called Shenae Grimes. The winner is obviously Lisa, probably because she’s the only one that could name a designer. She’s allowed to bring someone with her so she chooses Emma. She says that she wanted to choose her best friend Bloody Anita but she did that last week so now it’s Emma’s turn. Bloody Anita maintains that she should have picked her because she’s more fun. Yes Anita, every girl loves that friend that they go out with that ignores you all night in favour of making eyes at boys.  Jeanne tells them not to be afraid and never give up.

Lisa and Emma get ready and Bloody Anita sarcastically interviews that this is just GREAT because she gets to spend more time with Letitia and she doesn’t know what she will talk to her about.  Emma and Lisa arrive and meet Shenae Grimes. She congratulates them on winning the challenge and tells them how exciting it is to meet her.  Apparently Shenae knows Jeanne as she used to be her intern. Emma and Lisa pretend to like her. [Christ, Shenae Grimes. I always thought the reason she was super-annoying on 90210 was because the character was dreadful, but now she seems gratingly insincere in real life as well. I think I'd rather have taken my chances with Anita and Letitia. - Steve]

Back at the penthouse, Bloody Anita wants to “make a cheers” to her and Letitia and they hilariously pretend that they are the top two and they can’t remember them. Letitia suggests one of them is called Bland. Shenae asks the other two who they would like to get rid of, they say Letitia because she doesn’t want it as much. Back with the other two, they think it’s weird that they are getting on so decide to create some drama by jumping in the hot tub.  Shenae hands Lisa and Emma an Elle mail and by the magic of television, Letitia and Bloody Anita get theirs at the same time. It reads “Hello girls, tomorrow it’s time to head to the stunning lakes. Make sure your photo is as beautiful as the location, love Elle.” Shenae wants to know if they’ve ever been to the lakes as it’s her favourite thing about being a Canadian. Shenae pretends it was nice to meet them and they go home.

At the crack of dawn the next day, the girls travel to the lakes. They arrive in T-shirts even though it’s clearly freezing and are met by Julien standing on a pier. He welcomes them and tells them that they will be doing a shoot for Call It Spring. They are an international footwear and accessories brand that’s coming to the UK soon. Apparently, the brand is playful, energetic, young and engaging and the girls have to encompass this whilst wearing shoes to their full potential. He sends them off to hair and makeup and wishes them luck. Who wants a montage?

They are doing the same ridiculous thing as they did last year by sending the girls down a long path, interviewing them halfway down then filming them walking to the set. It’s ridiculous. Emma is up first. She blathers on about how wonderful the location is and says how nervous she is and she doesn’t want the nerves to get the better of her. Today’s FitPhotographer is only moderately fit. His name is Francesco Garcia.  Julien introduces them. Emma does her shoot with Julien shouting at her, telling her to give it more eyes and less armpit. He then asks her to think about what Elle would do which is strong and confident and he tells her to relax, which always works.  Julien is finally happy and the photographer tells her she’s easy to work with. Emma interviews that she thinks it went well (lie detector beep) and having Julien there was really helpful (beepbeepbeep) and he gave her lots of encouragement (BEEEPEEEEPEEPEPEEPEPEPBPEPE  *BLOWS UP*) . Julien thinks she must have been very nervous and hopes that there’s at least one picture.

Coming up – Kelly Cutrone!  Adverts! Very few things in this world irritate me like Keira Knightly does.

When we return, it’s Lisa’s turn to do the long walk.  Her mid-point thought for the day is that out of everyone, she’s got the most impressing to do. She arrives on set  and is put on the end of the jetty. Julien’s feedback amounts to calling her cheesy and telling her well done when she’s finished. The photographer likes her energy. Lisa hopes she’s pulled it off. Julien is obviously pleased with her and thinks that she could win it, but she was in the bottom two last week so who knows.

Letitia’s turn. She says she’s feeling good despite the nerves and having  Julien there is adding pressure because it could go either way because of his influence at judging [ahahahaha! – Everyone ever]. When she gets on set,  Julien stops the whole thing because the dress isn’t working for her. He tells her not to lose confidence over it. Letitia isn’t bothered, because the changing time gave her more time to get it together.  She giggles a bit and Julien tells her to take it serious.  He hugs her. Letitia reiterates that she appreciated the extra time. Julien agrees she’s beautiful but he expected more from her at this point of the competition and she was still a bit giggly for his liking. But, as he reminds us, she only needs one good picture.

Finally, Bloody Anita.  What, pray tell are your words of wisdom? They are that it is an important photo shoot and she hopes that the judges will continue seeing what they’ve been seeing in her. At this point, The Flood starts up and I can only imagine that the combination of this and Bloody Anita made my co-blogger Steve explode with Rage. Julien wants BA to do it quickly before the weather changes and tells her that he will be rooting for her.  Julien gives her no feedback outside of whooping. The photographer thinks she killed it, Anita gave it her all and feels like she’s on the top of her game and she can win. Julien is impressed that she braved the cold and didn’ t moan, which is akin to complimenting the clothes on an ugly baby.

At the lake, they receive the Elle mail of DOOM “hello girls, I hope you are enjoying the beautiful lake but for one of you it will be the last night of the competition. I’ll see you at elimination. Love, Elle”. Bloody Anita remarks that it could be anyone. Lisa interviews that this is the most nervous she’s ever been before elimination because she was in the bottom two last week. Letitia is also nervous because it’s anyone’s game and she’s freaking out.  Emma doesn’t know how to change her entire personality type and Bloody Anita wants photo of the week again and isn’t prepared to let anyone beat her.


Backstage at elimination, we get to meet Kelly Cutrone who is apparently a fashion publicist. She’s here just as the girls in Britain think they are safe. I like her already. Elle welcomes them all to judging and introduces the judges.  Kelly Cutrone is also apparently a fashion producer and is one of the new judges on ANTM.  Elle recaps that their week was exciting and they had to stand out in an outstanding location. I see what you did there Elle. I wish you hadn’t.

Emma first. She looks nervous as her mediocre picture comes up. She’s asked what she thinks. She thinks she doesn’t look like her. Elle thinks she looks like a 1930’s movie star. Julien remarks that she was super professional  in the shoot and it was good to see her like that. Whitney doesn’t think it’s her best shot but it’s pretty. Kelly reminds Emma that her job is to sell what she’s wearing and she’s not doing that.

Letitia next. Her picture is sub Top Shop. Whitney likes it even though it’s tense and awkward.  This makes everyone chortle. Whitney says her face tells the story of what the shoes are selling. Can we keep Whitney away from Julien please? Kelly thinks it’s rigid and mature and she doesn’t look like a young woman.  Tyson doesn’t think she looks like her and there’s too much tension in the body.  Julien thinks her face can tell a million stories and he thanks god that she has a fantastic face. Julien was shocked that she didn’t know how to perform as a model and wonders if it’s the right time for her, which is clearly a big ruse to try and make her cry. She disagrees and says that it’s totally the right time for her, even though she gets upset sometimes and she can get over criticism with her strong head and willpower. She’s got the drive to take her to the end. Kelly tells her that having bad days is part of being a model . Kelly doesn’t know she has these every day though.

Lisa is dragged in front of the lions and is congratulated for being the only one that knows that clothes exist outside of what you can buy on the high street.  Her picture is fine. Elle thinks that Lisa is gorgeous but she’s not gorgeous in the picture, “babe”.  Lisa and the nation reply “REALLY?” and Elle drops the bomb that Lisa has the same face in every picture. WELL PARDON YOUR FACE, LISA.  Really? Is that where we’re going with this?  Tyson thinks it’s good because she’s selling the shoes. Julien thinks she brought enthusiasm and energy to the shoot but her body looks awkward in the photo. [Then isn't it Julien's job as the judge who as AT THE FUCKING SHOOT to point this out to her at the time when she's got a chance to do something about it? FUCK'S SAKE. - Steve] Whitney then goes on that she’s pouty in front of them and she should change her face for the photograph and smile more. She needs to be conscious of her bone structure and play with it. How exactly, Whitney? With a MALLET?  Kelly then goes on to say that Lisa is very beautiful in person and ANITA PULLS A FACE. Seriously, stewards enquiry now, WHY THE ACTUAL FRICK IS SHE STILL HERE? Why are we tossing Lisa under the bus marked “having a face” when we could be getting rid of her? Kelly goes on to say that Lisa has beautiful eyes and that she’s a sexy vortex into which she’s being drawn (in a non creepy way) but that isn’t coming across in her pictures. She’s a vortex and her photo is two dimensional. Err, that’s what a photo is. I can’t even argue. [I'm not a huge Kelly Cutrone fan, but I am very keen on using the phrase "sexy vortex" in my day-to-day conversation. - Steve]

Pointless mid judging ad break...

Finally, saint Anita’s turn.  Her picture is like something you’d see on the end of the aisle at Asda.  Whitney is upset because she likes it from the neck down and anyone would want to look like that but her face is strained.  Anita says she didn’t realise she was squinting. She’s not squinting in the picture. She looks like herself - a gormless try hard.  Julien thinks it’s a girl with confidence, it’s Betty Boo (I don’t see the Alison Clarkson resemblance), it’s pin up girl, she’s wearing shoes, she has legs and she’s posing so she’s clearly a model with fashion experience. Kelly thinks that if she got that shot she’d have a problem with it and that she’d probably hire her and be disappointed.  Tyson doesn’t think it’s that bad because she looks young and fresh and is wearing the shoes.

Elle then says that she’s dreading judging because she doesn’t know who to send home. They’ll be looking at the body of work, their attitude and what they’re like in person. DRAMATIC MUSIC.

Emma first. Julien thinks she’s beautiful and looks like a model. She’s totally professional and she could have a career. Elle thinks she has a quiet confidence and has remained stoic whilst the other girls have unravelled a bit. Whitney thinks she’s the least interesting from a casting perspective and the least unique.  Julien thinks she’s a money girl whatever that is, she’s versatile and he doesn’t care whether she’s bored because she looks great. Tyson agrees. Elle wonders if she delivers and Whitney thinks she only delivers in photos and everything else about her is boring. Kelly thinks the photo is beautiful and even though she may be a money maker she might not make the money. Whatever that means.

Elle then announces that she doesn’t know at all who is going home which means that she totally does. They move on to Letitia. Whitney doesn’t like the tension in the torso and they may be getting bamboozled by her beauty as she’s still there despite being a bit rubbish.  Kelly thinks she’s a beautiful young woman but she doesn’t seem like a model and her beauty doesn’t come across in photos. Elle thinks that she’s the girl who makes jaws drop when she walks in the room.  Kelly thinks that this would just be straight guys but Elle says it’s everyone and now she’s grown in confidence she seduces the entire room. If  Julien had to put money on it he would say that Letitia was the girl with the most potential but Kelly thinks the boobies are a problem when it comes to samples.

It’s time for the further carving up of Lisa.  Tyson wishes she would do more as she’s not giving everything to them yet. He, Kelly and Whitney agree that she’s a one trick pony.  Whitney thinks that all her other photos and challenge wins to not align with the photo she has taken this week.  Elle disagrees and thinks that even with all the support but isn’t making it in the “diversification” stakes. Is that even a word? A quick Google tells me it’s a banking term. She’s not bringing it to the table enough for the stage of the competition. Kelly thinks she’s a one trick pony and the trick isn’t good enough.

Can Anita do the tricks? Apparently so. Everyone has now decided that her picture is the best and Kelly goes back on what she said five whole minutes ago and pretends that she would hire her despite the stress on her face because she’s got the extra something. Julien says that she’s the only one that would fit into his clothes because she has a model body. They leave it there. [If that's the case, why are the others even in the competition? How is this something you only notice at top four? - Steve]

Just as an aside, I’ve been racking my brains to understand why they’re pushing Anita to win so hard. I’m guessing Company magazine is behind it. I can see the Jade agenda last year but this year the Anita agenda seems to have come in quite late. Any ideas? [I honestly doubt Company has that much sway, but Revlon/Miss Selfridge might. Company only have her on the cover for a month, but the sponsors are stuck with the winner for a year. Remember, young girls can relate to Anita! Just like Little Mix! *vomits all down front* - Steve]

Back to the judging, the girls settle in while the decision making goes into the night. Letitia is upset that Julien questioned her readiness. The judges are arguing about someone that Whitney seems to be sticking up for.  Elle says that they’re hearing her and she has a magical face. We don’t find out who Whitney would never have represent her line.  A decision is made and the girls return.

Elle has four individual beauties in front of her, but only three can continue. Picture of the week goes to Anita. I can’t even.  She can’t believe it. [NEITHER CAN I. - Steve] Next through is Emma, leaving Letitia and Lisa who hold hands. Emma tells Anita that she almost had a heart attack and Anita asks what happened. OH MY GOD. Elle tells Letitia and Lisa that they may have noticed that deliberation was long. This was because they love them both and they should be proud of their work. She’s going to call the name of the one that is through. It’s Letitia who immediately starts crying.  She can’t believe it. [NEITHER CAN I. - Steve]

So the last remaining tolerable girl is going home. Elle knows that she’s going to do well and Lisa says she’ll keep the haircut. Lisa interviews that she’s gutted but she knew that the bus was coming for her full throttle and being in the bottom two again was then end of the road for her. She’s proud of herself but feels like her heart has been ripped out. She’s pleased for the other girls and she’ll never forget her time as it was the best of her life. She fades from the picture and it gets a little less awesome.

So, there we have it. The worst final three in the history of the universe.  Fearne recaps them for us. Anita the scrappy who has fought her way to the top from starting at the bottom. Emma, the classic beauty who has had to ‘battle’ being quiet or Letitia who has never had picture of the week.  Join Steve next week to find out which of these three will be crowned but prepare, if Anita wins he’s not going to be a happy bunny...

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Don't go chasing waterfalls

Top 5: 17th September 2012

Previously on BintModel: arachnophobia, the last word in suspense. Also the last word in Roxanne's modelling career, because she was sent home while everyone else got to go to Canada, eh? Bunch of hosers. (That's the absolute last stereotypical Canadian joke I will make, I promise.)

Titles: are you what I'm looking for? Is it a curlicue? (My boyfriend thinks the theme tune is wretched. I still think, despite its faults, it's the best one they've managed so far. I mean, the one they used for cycles three through five sounded like they'd ripped off the theme from Night And Day, for fuck's sake.)

Back at Model Manor: everyone is very excited to be going to Canada. "We've been to Dubai, then Paris and now Canada," says Lisa - and no disrespect to Canada, but when you put it like that, it does sound a bit like diminishing returns, doesn't it? Risikat interviews that making it to the top five proves that she was totally right for following her instincts all along. I love that as a perspective on the world, so if Anita wins this year, I'm assuming that proves I was wrong to decide to go ahead and recap this cycle. Letitia (who needs to learn not to talk while giggling because I had to go back and listen to this bit three times before I had a bloody clue what she was saying) vows that she will prove to the Canadians that Letitia is back. Bloody Anita wonders if the modelling world in Canada is different from that of Europe. Well, I'm guessing there are fewer Europeans and more Canadians, for starters. Risikat says that they'll soon find oot. Er, "out".

Everyone departs Model Manor for the final time, and presumably nothing amusing happens at the airport because the next thing we know we're in Toronto. Lisa interviews that upon arrival, they "literally" got into a limo. As opposed to...? Nobody knows where they're going yet, but they're all very much enjoying the Canadian scenery. Emma interviews that they saw a huge building - the CN Tower, to be precise - and that is indeed their destination. Upon arrival, they're shepherded into a lift which goes up the outside of the building and has windows to allow them all to see how far they're going up. Bloody Anita starts to look queasy, and anything that upsets her is good with me, so I am very pro-Canada so far. When they reach the peak and get out from the lift, there is a screen with Elle Mail waiting for them. Elle welcomes them to Toronto and informs them it's time to get down to business. Being a model, she continues, is one of those jobs where people will constantly ask you to do unreasonable things and fire you if you refuse (I may be paraphrasing slightly here) so today's challenge is designed to see how well they cope under pressure. Elle wants to see who can strut their stuff around the edge walk of the CN Tower. Letitia's reaction to this is such a burlesque of actual human emotion - she inhales so hard that I'm surprised she doesn't end up with a gobful of Anita's hair. Also, just to shit them up even more, Elle reminds them that they are 1168ft up in the air.

Bloody Anita immediately gets the vapours and declares that she's not doing it. Gosh, I wonder if this will ultimately result in Anita "conquering" her "fears" and having a really great journey to relate to everyone at panel, in exactly the same way that she did last week? She runs around like Marge Simpson on an aeroplane all "IDONTWANNADOITIDONTWANNADOITIDONTWANNADOIT" and shakes off all attempts at reassurance from the others, because this is Anita's Camera Time and no one else is getting a look in. Lisa reminds her that the whole point of this is about getting over a fear, and Bloody Anita snits that she doesn't want to get over her fear. Fine, then quit the competition. Good riddance. Meanwhile, in the background, Risikat is laughing. Team Risikat, anyone? In an interview, Risikat points out that no one was actually telling Bloody Anita that she had to do the challenge, but she just kept yelling "I'm not doing it! I'm not doing it!" anyway. Risikat has so got Bloody Anita's number, hasn't she? [The comment of 'I don't want to cry on camera AGAIN' tells you all you need to know - Helen]

Bloody Anita cries in the toilets and then CONVENIENTLY HAS AN EPIPHANY that if she doesn't do the shoot, she'll be letting herself down. We're going to get this every week until the final, aren't we? Perhaps next week she'll develop a sudden, debilitating fear of photographers. Or lights. Or Elle Macpherson. Everyone gets suited up in unflattering jumpsuits and attached to some cables, and taken up in the a lift to the dangling-off point. Emma, incidentally, is quite excited about the whole challenge, and wastes no time in getting going once they're up there. Bloody Anita, having had her convenient epiphany, then of course has an inconvenient relapse when she actually has to walk out and starts wibbling about how she doesn't want to do it. I mean, I get fear of heights, I really do, but she is firmly attached to a very secure-looking cable and she is also NOWHERE NEAR THE FUCKING EDGE, for crying out loud. Eventually, Emma has to come back and hold Anita's hand as she goes around, pointing out that they are "as safe as being on the pavement". Probably safer, considering they're significantly less likely to be hit by a car up there.

The rather contrived "modelling" aspect of all this, incidentally, is that they have to lean back off the edge of the walkway while letting go of the cable and deliver the line "everywhere's a catwalk in Canada; take yourself to dizzy new heights". Everyone manages to do this, apart from Anita who kind of lurks back near the wall and says it while grimacing. Bloody Anita interviews that the others were probably all really happy that she was so afraid, because it made them look better, and that if the situation had been reversed, she probably would have tried to talk them out of doing it at all. She really is the actual worst, isn't she? [Yes - Helen]

Once that's all over and they're all back on terra firma, they get back into the limo and head off to their next destination. Risikat attempts to say something about what they've just been doing and of course Bloody Anita interrupts, so Risikat hits back: "thanks for talking over me, bitch. Put your point across, because it's obviously more important than mine." TEAM RISIKAT. They're deposited at a fancy building, the Soho Metropolitan Hotel, where all the celebrities have stayed. Not just Canadian celebrities like Avril Lavigne and Carly Rae Jepsen, you understand, but real celebrities like Madonna and Beyoncé. They're going to stay in the fabulous three-storey penthouse. Oddly enough, Anita's fear of heights does not kick in again upon learning this. Isn't that just the darnedest thing? The penthouse is, admittedly, kickass and everyone wonders if this is what their lives will be like if they win. I'm going to hazard a guess: no.

After an ad break, it's another bright sunny day in Toronto and the girls are sitting around in their robes when a butler comes to deliver them an Elle Mail, which Risikat reads: "Hi Girls, I hope you enjoyed your first day in Toronto, but now it's time to get back to model business as today you'll be meeting some of Canada's leading fashion experts. You leave in 30 minutes, and remember it's all about first impressions. Love Elle x" Risikat wonders what fashion experts means. I like that she's been on the show this long and still doesn't have a clear picture of such a thing in her head. I feel that speaks volumes.

They head to Elite Toronto where they meet the director Matti Gidilevich and its president Alecia Bell. Lisa is first to have her portfolio and walk examined. The others are taken off into a separate room to stew, and Bloody Anita frets about walking for them, while Letitia wishes she'd brought better heels. Seriously, did it not cross anyone's mind that they might be asked to walk? You are being APPRAISED AS MODELS, for fuck's sake. They're not going to ask you for your thoughts on the global economy or the US election, are they?

Alecia asks Lisa what sort of career she wants to have, and Lisa says she wants to do edgy editorial, but she'd be willing to do anything. She walks for them, and Alecia thinks she has great energy and personality, but she'd like to see that personality come out more in her pictures. Back in the stewing room, Letitia thinks very hard about which of her two catwalks to do. Emma suggest that she does a sophisticated one. Excellent backhanded burn on Letitia's other catwalk style there, which I'm assuming Emma categorises as Letitia's "underclass" walk. Risikat goes in next, and says that she has done some modelling (I assume she means prior to the competition), but she doesn't think it gave her any "benefit". I wonder if she means "advantage" here, or if she's just picking a really bad time to criticise the modelling industry as a whole. Alecia loves Risikat's Revlon shot, and Matti likes her versatility, that she can do beauty and also edginess. After she leaves, however, he thinks her walk needs tightening.

Emma goes in next, and is asked for her age and her height. She walks for Matti and Alecia, and Alecia tells her that she has "a beautiful beauty face" but that at 5'8", she's a little on the short side for booking catwalk shows. After she goes, Matti thinks she's more of a print and beauty girl. Anita goes in, and her walk is shit so she has to do it again. They like it better the second time, and Matti thinks she might be the dark horse of the competition. In that she's totally pony, perhaps. Finally, Letitia goes in, and is asked if she's modelled professionally before (she hasn't). Alecia asks her to walk for them and Letitia's immediately all "IF IT'S SHIT I'M REALLY SORRY", which I'm sure creates an excellent first impression. Alecia likes the confidence in her eyes, and her energy, and Matti thinks that as she matures (yeah, that'll happen) Letitia will grow in confidence.

The second go-see takes them to a warehouse, where a psychopath is waiting for them with a chainsaw. No, just kidding: it's actually Bernadette Morra, editor of the imaginatively-titled Fashion magazine. They're going to do "a cover try" today, and there's no hair and make-up beyond what the girls can quickly sort out for themselves beforehand. "This is actually tough," whispers Lisa to Risikat, conspiratorially. Bloody Anita goes first, and the photographer Gabor Jurina seems impressed, though Bernadette observes that "what's really concerning me is the face". Ha! Unfortunately she only means that Anita isn't smiling, which she eventually manages to do. Letitia goes next and gets off to a good start, though Bernadette gets worried when Letitia's attempts at a sexy pose become "another magazine, not ours". Gabor reminds Letitia that her target market is women. Lisa is not given the wind machine because of her hair, and Gabor likes her smile, but he and Bernadette want her to smile rather than pout. Backstage, Lisa predicts that they'll love Emma because she has a gorgeous smile (at this point, I officially declare Lisa far too nice a person to be on this show) and she's pretty much on the money with that one. Finally, Risikat who also gets a good reception, and Bernadette loves her "natural giggle".

Results time: Anita didn't give them the smile they wanted, Letitia has a "California athleticism" about her which isn't right for their product, Lisa had good body awareness and got that it was about a cover, Emma has a million dollar smile but just needs to work in front of the mirror on her body shape, and Risikat did a great job and has won the challenge. She's won some new clothes from Pink Tartan, whatever that is.

Back at the apartment, a rack of clothes awaits Risikat, and on one of the hangers is an Elle Mail, which Lisa reads: "You've already tasted the heights of Toronto, now it's time to experience the Falls." Bloody Anita, because she's an idiot, thinks this means bungee jumping rather than the more obvious link of Niagara Falls.

Adverts. I love that a commercial for the DVD of Glee season three on a Sky channel promotes it as being "uninterrupted!" Way to endorse your own scheduling decisions, Sky.

Early the next morning, the girls get up and get in the car to head to Niagara Falls, which looks awesome. Emma interviews that it's like a dream place - the sort of thing you hear about but never imagine you'll actually get to see. After being dropped off by their driver, they're met by Whitney, who's with their client for the day, creative director at Miss Selfridge, Yasmin Yusuf. Yasmin tells them they're there to shoot the Autumn/Winter campaign, and sends them off to hair and make-up. Lisa interviews that she's nervous, because it's a job for a massive client, while Anita frets that Whitney is the one overseeing things because she's the one who keeps calling her out for being squinty. Also, there are some nice close-ups of Tresemme products to keep the sponsors happy.

Bloody Anita goes first, and photographer Chris Nicholls tells her that she's looking a little worried and needs to keep her look strong. Anita bitches again that Whitney is "not my biggest fan", but is surprised that Whitney is being nice to her. Imagine that: Anita struggling to understand the concept of "basic professionalism". After Anita goes, Whitney tells Yasmin that Anita has always shown tension in her face and that's one thing they've been hard on her about, so hopefully they'll find a photo where it is less of a problem.

Letitia is next and most of her poses look fucking dreadful, but Whitney and the photographer seem to like them, so who really cares what I think? She also appears to be dressed like some sort of pearly queen hooker. I genuinely don't know what the point of this shoot is, if it even has one. At one point she gets soaked by the water. Afterwards, Emma suspects that someone more naturally high-fashion like Lisa may be at an advantage here.

Let's see, shall we? Yasmin loves Lisa's figure, and Whitney and Yasmin really like what she's doing for the shoot. I think she looks a little stiff, but I guess at least she's stiff in an editorial way? (It's times like this when I wish I actually knew anything at all about fashion.) Whitney and Yasmin think she was amazing - Yasmin even says "French Vogue eat your heart out." Lisa interviews that it's every girl for herself at this point.

Risikat is next, dressed like a minor villain from one of The Mummy films and Yasmin and Whitney think she needs to do stronger poses. Risikat admits she started to panic at that point, and Chris tells her that it's looking a little casual. She gets a few decent shots by the end, but Yasmin says later that she'd be worried doing a full shoot with Risikat because she'd really have to work with her. Yes, imagine that, the horror of actually having to do some work. Whitney says that even if you're not excited, you have to pretend to be excited. I think that's what the directors told her before each episode of The Hills.

Finally, we have Emma who says that she felt better every time she looked at the water. Well, I guess that's as good a strategy as any. She gets good feedback from the photographer and from Whitney, who thinks Emma is stronger in photographs than in person and gave a lot of variety.

Shoot over, Whitney arrives in the holding room and says that the girl who they think performed the best gets a helicopter ride around Niagara Falls with a friend, and that girl is Lisa. Lisa picks Anita to accompany her, "because she hasn't won a challenge yet and stuff". I love that. Not because she likes her, not because she deserves it - Anita gets to go out of pity. Letitia interviews that Lisa winning this challenge is a big deal because it means she'll be going straight through this week. OR DOES IT? (Spoiler: it doesn't.)

Lisa and Bloody Anita go up in the helicopter, and of course Bloody Anita is terrified the whole time even though they're only about six feet off the ground most of the time. Bloody Anita. Still, Niagara Falls looks lovely for those who actually appreciate it.

Back at the penthouse, there's Elle Mail, read by Bloody Anita. "Hello Girls, it's time for the judges to come together to see who'll be the first girl to leave Toronto. See you in a few hours when we'll be coming to see you. Love, Elle x" So that's another year where they couldn't be bothered to actually set up a proper judging room in the overseas location, then. Good to know. Risikat admits she doesn't feel confident about the photo shoot but she doesn't feel it's her time to go. Bloody Anita thinks the pressure's off Anita a little bit because she won the magazine cover challenge. Lisa thinks that nobody is safe. Bloody Anita thinks Emma should go, because she hasn't "proved herself" in the competition. Shut up, Bloody Anita.

The judges arrive at the penthouse, along with this week's guest judge, Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker. The girls are perched on upturned logs for the judging, which does not look awkward or uncomfortable at all. First to have her picture appraised is Anita. Whitney claims that Anita had it "within the first shot", which is a direct contrast to what the photographer was saying earlier. So much for continuity. Nigel says there's tension in the face there which she has to learn to get rid of as a model and "chill into it", before adding "there's nothing sexier than control". Sheesh, calm down Christian Grey. Julien thinks she looks incredible. Tyson loves the shot and claims you don't look at Niagara Falls because you just see Anita. What a load of shite. He says she's listened to everything they've said, and this is how far it's gotten her. Except for the part where they're always telling her about the tension in her face, which she still hasn't fixed.

Stupid mid-judging ad break.When will they learn?

Next is Emma. Her shot is pretty great. Whitney loves the way the light catches her face and the wind catches her hair. Tyson thinks it's like she's had years of experience modelling, and she looks flawless. Nigel says that he doesn't necessarily see the girl in the picture in front of him, and that's something she needs to work on. Emma admits she's a completely different person on set, and Nigel tells her she needs to capture that wow factor that you get when Elle Macpherson or Tyra Banks (nice try, Nigel, she's not giving you your job back) walks onto a set. Elle wants Emma to be bringing that all that time at this stage of the competition.

Next is Lisa. Her best shot is not great, and also clearly not her actual best shot. Nigel thinks she's gorgeous and as a striking bone structure, but she's not doing much with it. Whitney thinks her face looks flawless. Tyson thinks she took the easy way out. Elle feels that Lisa can't be wishy-washy with her body, because it makes her look hard. Lisa explains that she was nervous because Miss Selfridge is more of a commercial brand and she wanted to prove that she had enough versatility for them.

After her, we have Risikat whose picture is legitimately awful. Whitney tells her she was pretty much the same in every picture and didn't give them enough options to choose from, and that is bad. Risikat says she felt confident, but then she started to panic. Oddly, Julien really likes the picture and thinks she's made the dress look desirable. Tyson disagrees, and says it looks like she's on a family vacation and someone made her pose. Elle thinks fear got the better of her.

Finally, Letitia. Nigel says he was struck by her bone structure when she walked into the room, but the picture doesn't capture that in the same way. Whitney tells her it doesn't look classy. Julien disagrees - he thinks this is the London look of the moment. Nigel takes issue with this, saying that he's talking about the clothes and not the girl, and the models aren't responsible for the clothes. I'd argue they're responsible for the presentation of the clothes and that Julien's point isn't necessarily that far off the mark. Julien thinks it's a bit sexy and a bit busty, but young girls in London are looking and dressing like that. Nigel gets irate that Letitia is TOO SEXY and needs to tone that down. Elle points out that this has been a recurring criticism of Letitia - how to be sexy in a way that doesn't turn women off.

The girls are dismissed while the judges deliberate. Tyson thinks Anita nailed it, and Elle thinks that people always find her vivacious. Whitney thinks she has "drastically improved". Yes, because she was so drastically dreadful to begin with that she couldn't possibly have become any worse. Emma looks beautiful, but Nigel doesn't remember her as a person. It feels like Nigel is here specifically to embody all of the worst tropes about ANTM, doesn't it? Elle thinks Emma was the one girl who really captured her attention today. Nigel thinks it's about the personality (see?) while Julien thinks looks are far more important. At Lisa's picture, they decide that this is the same look she does on every shoot, which is not particularly true but they seem to have decided the narrative for tonight's elimination before they saw any of the pictures. Elle feels Lisa lacks the courage to explore all of her strengths and beauty. Julien wonders if she's "too strong" to appeal to girls, which: what? Between Letitia being "too sexy" for girls and Lisa being "too strong" for them, it's like this episode is sponsored by Female Self-Loathing or something. Next, Risikat - Nigel thinks there's something cool and different about her, while Whitney thinks she's sliding through. Julien thinks she's beautiful, but that it might not be enough. Finally Letitia, who Nigel really wants to photograph, but Whitney thinks her performance is frequently a let down. Whitney wonders if somehow they've failed her in their feedback. Elle thinks they all have very different opinions on the girls, which she thinks is "a true testament" to their quality. Or to the fact that none of them are very good, considering they had fairly specific criticisms for all of them.

The girls return, and the girl with picture of the week is Bloody Anita. Well, I'm so glad that absolutely none of her dreadful showing at the CN Tower and the magazine shoot had any bearing on the panel whatsoever. We might as well have been watching YouTube videos of kittens for the first half-hour of the episode. Anita leaves the judging room and heads back to the living area, when the camera crew get a serious upskirt as she comes down the stairs. Stay classy, Sky Living. In second place is Emma, and Letitia is called third. So Lisa and Risikat are the bottom two, which is SUCH UTTER HORSESHIT I can't even tell you. Lisa was the client's favourite at the photo shoot, but this apparently means nothing any more. As Letitia troops downstairs, Anita admits she's surprised by this turn of events, and Emma says she's "confused". You and the entire viewing audience, kiddo.

Elle tells Lisa and Risikat they're both in the bottom two for the same reason, which is of course contrived and manufactured drama. Sorry, "when we look at your photographs, there's no wow factor". I don't know where I got that first one from. So who stays? Lisa, thankfully, although neither of these two should be going home at this point. Elle tells Risikat they've loved working with her, and Risikat thanks her for the opportunity and the "most glamorous learning curve any model can get". She's learned so much, but she's upset that the experience is over. We see Risikat's portfolio, which I'd argue is one of the strongest of any of the girls in the competition, but that's no matter at this point: she fades out of the group shot and we're left with Bloody Anita, those two bland girls who I still can't always tell about, and Lisa The Only Remaining Good One Who's Probably Still Going To Get Shafted By This Process Regardless.

Next week: a test of fashion knowledge, a waterside photo shoot with Julien, and Whitney wouldn't want one of the girls to represent her line, ever. Whitney has a line? I guess we'll find out about that next week with Helen.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Blame Canada

Top 6: 10th September 2012

Hello and welcome to what I’m officially calling the home strait.  Yes, it’s nearly over. Seeing as they’re absolutely determined to get rid of anyone interesting I can’t imagine that it’s going to be a swift ending. But anyway. We begin as always with a recap of last week and a preview of what we’re about to see. We’re promised that it’s going to get EVEN MORE INTENSE with two photoshoots and some spiders. Ooh, spiders are always good.

Be the one I Jimmy Choos!

We’re still in London and Lisa is delighted to be in the final six but the competition is tough because there are five other girls. Oh Lisa. Risikat is closer to the final and it’s all becoming real. As opposed to the imaginary modelling competition she was in before. Roxanne is trying harder as the competition gets tougher because she really wants it. Emma G doesn’t want to let her guard down because if she does she’s going home. Bloody Anita is tired and Letitia asks if everyone is there. So you see, this segment illustrates the competition perfectly in that four of the girls have an opinion and two are selfish airheads who can barely count.  Roxanne says she feels like she there should be girls upstairs. I’ll tell you who they should be, shall I? Kellie and Madeleine should be upstairs and not at home, that’s who should be there. [Co-signed. - Steve]

Bloody Anita has a moment of clarity which I’m totally sure is unscripted and thinks that the tasks last week were about finding out about each other and this week the producers are going to be testing them.  Letitia says everyone has had their ups and downs so any of them could go. Letitia reminds us in her interview that she’s never won picture of the week. AHAHAHAHA! THAT’S COS YOU’RE RUBBISH but you’re still here because you say what you’re told. [And because you cry more than a two-month-old with colic. - Steve] Risikat says she’s here to win. DRRRRRRRRINK.

Elle mail! “Hi girls, meet me in Hyde Park tomorrow for a picnic as I have very important news for you”. Anita thinks that important news is news that might change everything.  Risikat feels it’s more ominous for coming from Elle in person. Bloody Anita, however, is more concerned by what she’s going to wear.  Emma announces that she’s going to shave.  Nice.

The voice of Fearne the pointless tells us that three of the girls are off to the hairdresser before the picnic. Lisa is apparently going to get shorter hair. Letitia is happy that Elle wants to change her hair back to brown and Roxanne is there so here’s hoping she’s going to lose the ridiculous orange hair.  She’s happy she’s going back to brown but is worried that she won’t stand out as much.  The haircuts are just as described. No drama, just high fives all round then on to Hyde Park. [Well, that was pointful. - Steve]

At Hyde Park, Elle is sat on the ground pretending that she eats cakes.  The girls walk in and sit down in a line that probably looks great on camera gut leaves poor Emma sat on the grass. Elle surveys her final six and wants to know how they’re feeling. They all say amazing. She wonders if there’s too much pressure and nobody gives her a straight answer so she takes this as a no and Elle says that she’s going to up the game. She’s thinking two photoshoots. These photoshoots are important because after they’re going overseas. She wants them to guess where they’re going and gives them a clue. It’s a Mountie. You guys all know what a Mountie is, right? Guess who doesn’t. Bloody Anita and Letitia. Lisa thinks that a Mountie is from Mexico because they wear a hat. It doesn’t help that Elle describes him as “a man on a horse in a red jacket”. Elle gives them a prompt. Emma doesn’t know either. Elle tries to get them to guess but is met with six blank faces. She explains to them the concept of Canada. Do you know who would know about Canada? MADELEINE. [Also: anyone with a rudimentary secondary school education. Seriously, where did they find these girls? - Steve] She would have told you.  The Mountie only has five tickets in his hand however, and one of them will be going home before Canada. Yup, that’s how it works. Elle leaves them to their picnic.

Predictably, they all interview about how much they want the ticket to Canada.  It’s boring. Let’s just fast forward to the next day when we’re being told that BACK TO BACK PHOTOSHOOTS is the hardest thing since having a proper job where you work for an actual eight hours and there is no time wasted in hair and makeup. Tyson is hosting the first one at Holborn Studios. He hopes the girls have nerve and shaved legs because there’s 24 legs coming at them and they’re hairy.  He introduces them to three tarantulas named Elle, Julien and Whitney. Hee! Tyson informs them they’re going to be real life spiderwomen and they’ve got to suffer the spiders to go to Canada. Emma wants to know where they’re going. Lisa offers the face as a suggestion and Tyson agrees. Risikat wants to know if they bite. Tyson isn’t sure. They see me trollin’... Tyson tells them that there is medical staff around just in case, you know. He wishes them luck. [I'm really starting to like Tyson. - Steve]

Anita immediately starts crying. She interviews about how upset she was and doesn’t want to do it. Roxanne tries to explain that they’re not going to hurt her and they hardly move anyway. She is unconvinced. Bloody Anita says that she’s scared of all spiders whilst getting her makeup done. Emma has always wanted to do it. The makeup man is a bit creeped out by her enthusiasm. Lisa is creeped out but resolves to get over it.

We’re introduced to the photographer who is SHOCK! A Woman! You’ll be telling us we can vote soon and that a girlband that represents us all will win the X Factor. Her name is Clara and she’s ruined it already by turning up dressed as Jesse J. She is doing it like a dude after all. I’m not even sorry.  Sally is the spider wrangler. Lisa is up first and is introduced to them.  Sally gives Lisa the safety advice. The spiders will nip or throw hairs if they’re upset. Sounds like the girls have all dealt with something similar. HAHAHA! After the adverts, Roxanne freaks out with the spiders and stuffs up the second photo shoot.

Adverts! Julia Roberts is looking more and more like a Jim Henson creation, isn’t she?

After the break we’re still on Lisa. Clara explains that she wants graphic poses. Please don’t talk about spider legs and graphic poses because I’m guaranteed to misunderstand you. Don’t worry about Emma though, she’s shaved.  Lisa pretends to understand. She interviews that she was frozen to the spot as they put three tarantulas on her. Lisa interviews that she could definitely feel them on her skin. Clara wants her to be raw and sexy and look like she’s enjoying it. Tyson tells her to relax. Lisa interviews that she was having a mental battle between being scared of the spiders and trying to relax into a good photo. They stop the shoot and give her a chance to ‘step out of her head’. Stop being ridiculous and American, Tyson.  Tyson wants her to be her because it’s not looking good. She goes back in and they seem to be happier with that. She’s upset because she was so scared and let the fear get to her. Tyson doesn’t think it was a good shoot for her. She interviews that she’s worried that her place in Canada is at risk and going on today’s shoot she doesn’t think she’s going.

Next up is Emma. She says backstage that she needs to get it over with, despite being excited about it earlier.  She freaked out a bit when the spider went on her cheek so she has a little cry. Tyson tells her that THERE’S NO CRYING IN MODELLING so she goes again and does much better.  They seem pleased she’s recovered.

Next up is Bloody Anita, who is trying to tell herself that tarantulas are just hamsters with eight legs. Lisa tells her not to look at them. Bloody Anita interviews that this is the first time she’s ever encountered a tarantula where she hasn’t had a choice about dealing with them or not. She flinches when it’s on her head and she’s told not to do that.  She becomes the worst kind of judge sucking up bait ever and says that she used her fear to make her do better. OH DEAR LORD SHUT YOUR FACEHOLE. [I really do not like Anita, but credit where it's due: she sure is genre-savvy when she needs to be. - Steve] They all love her and tell her that she’s the best model ever.  She’s Tyson’s winner from the first frame. Emma says what we’re all thinking and wonders how someone with a spider phobia can do so well. Roxanne can’t look at the camera when she answers the question with a flippant explanation that Anita is a drama queen. Yeah, we can use that clip to answer pretty much any question. Bloody Anita interviews that she feels like a bit of a fool for being such a gigantic baby and hopes that the judges won’t see her as unprofessional. YAWN.

It’s Letitia’s turn. When they placed a tarantula on her face never have I been more curious about how they poo. She interviews that they all totally latched on to her face and oh my god it was so sore. Tyson tells her to be more sexy so she sits up and Tyson says ‘OOH, SCARY’ but she does well in the end. Risikat could not look more uncomfortable. She interviews that she had to make some noise to stop the fear coming out on her face. Roxanne and Letitia laugh at her backstage. They love her too.  She’s happy with herself but she’s not resting on her laurels because there’s two photoshoots.

Last up is Roxanne who has decided to have a freak out of her own. Letitia explains that it’s just that she’s had more time to get nervous but Roxanne isn’t so sure.  She knows that when the spider goes on her skin she’ll effing flip. Why is this beeped at nearly nine thirty? We’ll never know.  She’s sure she’s going to scream and cry. Letitia makes it better by explaining that the spiders have hooks. She arrives for the shoot and tells everyone that she’s scared. Tyson says he’s going to help her to relax and I go off into a little fantasy about him helping me to relax. She interviews that she was freaked out at the beginning and she had to psych herself up. Tyson promises not to let them hurt her. She sits there, clearly terrified whilst everyone tells her to be sexy. She starts to freak out and they help by telling her that they’ve already got some good shots. She obviously sees this as an opportunity for it all to be over and starts to flip out completely. They get the spiders off of her when she starts screaming and Tyson helps her up and walks her around the room.  Tyson then helpfully tells her that she was doing really well. The girls speculate that it was because the spider was moving. Roxanne interviews that she’s disappointed in herself because she wasn’t expecting herself to do that. Oh god, right in the grammar. They tell her that they can get even better shots if she goes back. Roxanne realises that she’s on thin ice already so she better go back and get the perfect shot otherwise she’s off. So, she goes back and she’s proud of herself. She freaks out again and Anita bitches about the attention she’s getting. That’s because she got an actual fear and not a pretend one, I would guess.  They minimise the spider contact and give her a face only shot that she does well. Roxanne says it’s the worst day of her life ever while Emma, Bloody Anita and Letitia bitch about her backstage.  Seriously, there is nobody in this competition left to like. [What a bunch of bitches. I notice it never occurred to them that while Roxanne was getting extra attention and minimised spider exposure, that's exactly the sort of thing that gets brought up at panel, marks you out as "difficult" and increases your chances of going home. Instead they just decided to scowl about how unfair it was to all of them that she was having an extremely phobic reaction. Horrible, horrible little girls. - Steve]

Back at the house, it’s the worst day of Emma’s life too, as she’s telling everyone now she’s got a spider phobia. Roxanne explains that the spider running down her leg freaked her out. They all hope tomorrow will be easier.  In the confessional room, Lisa and Anita are bitching that Roxanne only had one spider on it. Roxanne talks about this too and says that she realises that she’s on her own.  I never, ever thought I’d see competitive phobias on this programme. Actually, strike that, it was only a matter of time.

Adverts! There’s not a lot of people to like on that TK Maxx street stylers advert, is there?

We’re back for another photoshoot in a country house. Risikat explains that everyone is feeling the pressure, apart from Emma who is more worried about the front door of the house being as big as a tree.  Bloody Anita is amazed that she got to go to a house like that and hopes to live in one when she’s a top model. She cracks me up. The girls are met by Carly O’Connor who is the marketing manager for Revlon. Their shoot is for the 80th birthday of the brand and they’ll be shooting a campaign for Lip Butters on the theme of ‘Let them eat cake’.Bloody Anita is completely lost at this. They’ve got to capture the essence of the Revlon woman, the softness of the lip butters and the extravagance of Marie Antionette. Simple!

Roxanne interviews that things are more serious as the competition gets harder and nobody is talking much.  Risikat is excited to meet someone from Revlon as that’s part of the prize and she wants to make a good impression. She’s up first and she gets to meet the semi-fit photographer, Seb Winter, first. She’s told the theme is playful and indulgent and wishes her luck.  Risikat interviews that she’s getting giggly about Canada and she totally deserves to be in the final five. They seem happy with her shoot as she has expressions on her face.

Emma next.  They want her to smile with closed lips and not be sexy.  She interviews that she didn’t know how to stop being sexy. It’s a chore that I also struggle with. She got there in the end though and they’re happy with her final shot, but wish she’d got there earlier.

Bloody Anita interviews that the shoot is her thing as its commercial. She says that it’s the first serious shoot whilst they tell her to be playful and stop looking so scared. She interviews that it’s the last shoot in the UK and if she doesn’t pull it off she’s not going to Canada.  She thinks she’s done enough, but the client thinks that she can’t do much beyond elegant and poised.

Roxanne interviews that she’s extra nervous because she didn’t do well yesterday. The photographer screams at her to smile at her eyes and asks her for more but she’s not sure what she’s after. They’re disappointed that they didn’t get more off her.  Roxanne interviews that she’s risking everything to become a model  and she’s got a kid to look after and hasn’t got a job so she’s looking to make modelling her career.  She asks Lisa backstage how she can be playful in that dress and says she thinks she’s going home.  I would say that you’re going home because you’re featuring loads in this episode where you’ve hardly caused a ripple thus far and they’re not going to bring your kid in again, but what do I know? [Well, you know what Canada is. That puts you ahead of nearly everyone on this show. - Steve]

Letitia is next. She’s not nervous because it’s just about her face and we all know how much she loves that.  Annoyingly, she does really well really quickly. GAHHH. Lisa does well too, she pretends she’s feeling the pressure but she aces it in about thirty seconds. She’s glad of the boost.  She interviews that she hopes the judges can see it’s all the spiders’ fault that she was rubbish yesterday.

Back at the house, Roxanne is crying to her mum on speakerphone about how much she wants to come home. Emma is scared about elimination. Letitia thinks she deserves to stay and Risikat doesn’t really care who goes because she’s going to win.  Nice. 

Fearne tells us that it’s time for judging.  Slacking on the Elle mail today, aren’t we?  Today’s guest judge is Poppy Delavigne who is apparently a fashion ambassador. I have no idea either.

Letitia is called first for judging. Elle wants to know how the spiders were.  She answers that she put on a brave face. Looking at the picture she really, really didn’t. Whitney rightly points out that she looks like she’s got a lazy eye.  Poppy advises her to drop her chin next time. Her beauty shot isn’t all that either. Julien tells her that it’s not enough just to be beautiful.  Judging by her picture and her actions she really, really does think that it’s enough.  Elle asks her if she really thinks she could be in the final five. She replies that she’s getting back into her top game so it would be a shame if she went now. Julien tells her she needs to engage with her eyes more. For once, I agree with him.  He says they need to be brighter and she starts crying. OH LETITIA, BORE OFF WITH THE BLOODY CRYING NOBODY IS IMPRESSED. Elle tells Julien off and Whitney says something about her pupils being big. I’m bored now.

Let’s see how hard that bus is coming for Roxanne, shall we? Elle refers to the fact that Tyson had to hold her hand so I’m guessing it’s heading for her pretty hard.  Roxanne says she doesn’t know what happened. Her photo is still better than Letitia’s.  Tyson thinks she did well despite the fear. Poppy says that she would never know that she was scared and she likes it.  Her beauty shot is terrible however. She looks like she’s smelled a bad fart. Whitney is more polite and describes it as smug.  Roxanne says she found it hard because she didn’t know how to smile without showing her teeth. Elle says it’s obvious that she was thinking this. Nobody has said smize yet. I’m disappointed. 

Mid judging pointless ad break.

We return for Risikat’s evaluation.  Poppy thinks it’s intense and she likes it. I’m guessing that Poppy is the kind of person who likes everything though. Her beauty shoot is gorgeous. Whitney thinks so too and thinks that she’s pleased the brand. Elle wants to know why Risikat thinks she should go to Canada. I think she should go because she’s the only half likeable one left. She says it’s because she’s improving week after week and she wants to get better. Ok, you can have that.

BloodyAnita’s shot. She did well, much to my annoyance. Julien mumbles something about her bringing something every week and that she’s rocking his boat. Her beauty shot is good too. Elle thinks it’s present, engaged and inviting. All the things that she isn’t in real life. Two lucky shots. Well done. Elle wants to know why she should be chosen over the other girls. Anita thinks there’s room for her in the market.

Lisa next.  Elle thinks her walk is confident but Lisa says she’s nervous. She should be. She thinks her spider shot is going to be rubbish and it is. She looks terrified and is stiff.  Julien thinks there’s no life and she looks petrified. Her beauty shot, according to Elle, is beautiful and beguiling. It is. She looks stunning. [She really does. That looked like a competition-winning shot right there. I hope so, anyway. Lisa's about the only one left I like. - Steve] Julien wonders what to do with her because she’s got the best and worst photos in the same week. Lisa’s counter argument to this is that she’s consistent. BOKAY THEN. She’s willing to work harder.

Finally, it’s Emma. Her spider shot is lovely. Whitney says it’s an interesting dichotomy.  Someone got a thesaurus for Christmas!  She immediately ruins it by saying she has a scour on her face.  Her beauty shot is a bit odd, but Poppy thinks it’s ethereal and one of the only beauty shot that she loves. Emma thinks she should go to Canada because she’s started well, she got worse and now she wants to get better. Way to sell yourself!

Elle tells everyone that they’ve done well  but now they’re going to decide who’s going to Canada.  Risikat says how intense it is backstage. So intense, she uses the word twice. Letitia doesn’t want to go. Lisa doesn’t know who’s going and Anita thinks it’s hard to care about other people because whoever goes makes her life easier. Lisa is disgusted with her shot.

Judging! Letitia got the angle of her face wrong but it’s not the worst picture. Whitney thinks she struggled this week and although she’s beautiful she isn’t performing. Tyson thinks she looks good. Whitney thinks she’s not improving and Elle spouts some psychobabble about her feeling defeated. Julien thinks they wouldn’t miss her if they went to Canada. Poppy loves Risikat and thinks she looks like a model. Julien thinks Anita is the competition and is a special package. Tyson agrees. It’s just as well he’s pretty. Elle thinks that they can’t afford to be having shots like Lisa’s spider shot at this stage of the competition but she redeems herself with the beauty shot.  Poppy thinks she’s staggeringly beautiful. As for Emma, Julien thinks there’s  a fine line between scary and beautiful and Emma is scarily beautiful . Elle thinks she’s beautiful but forgettable. Poppy thinks that taking her to Canada will make her stand up for herself.  It’s a tough decision!

Back in the judging room, there are six girls in front of Elle but five photographs. Top picture goes to Lisa’s beauty shot, followed by Bloody Anita, Risikat then Emma. This leaves Roxanne and Letitia. The girl with the most potential will be the one that is staying and that girl is... Letitia. Yup, I knew that would happen. [It would appear from the call-out order that the spider pictures were negligible in determining who stayed and it was all down to the Revlon shoot - which, considering they're one of the prize sponsors, probably shouldn't be that much of a surprise. - Steve] Elle tells Roxanne that she’s done a great job and should go home and hug her daughter.  Roxanne is upset that she’s not going to Canada. She’s gutted to be going home and is upset that she started out well and got worse.  It’s been amazing, she’s had her ups and downs and moods and been branded as all sorts but she’s had a great time and good experience and nobody can take that away from her.

Meanwhile, as sad as it is to say goodbye to Roxanne, everyone else is off to Toronto and they’re very happy about it. They look at their pictures together and are amazed they are the final five. Next week we are promised Anita developing another phobia [the phobia of people not paying her enough attention, I'm guessing - Steve] and Canada!  Join Steve for that next week.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Toy story

Top 7: 3rd September 2012

Previously on BintModel: water, water, everywhere, and not a drop that you'd want to drink because it had models' feet trudging through it. Yuck. Then some model cock turned up at the photoshoot and Bloody Anita behaved exactly the way that you'd expect Bloody Anita to behave in such a situation, which means that Madeleine had a point after all in that truth-telling game a couple of weeks back. Letitia had a cry, Jennifer got eliminated, and Voice of Fearne pretends that we call a catwalk a "runway" in this country when we clearly do not.

This week: more manufactured drama! Broken down dolls! Nicky Johnston, whom Helen likes but I do not! And the judges run out of patience at this week's elimination, which presumably means Madeleine's going home since she's been in the bottom two for the last two weeks, like NICE SPOILER THERE GUYS. Sheesh.

Titles. Be the one, be the one, be the one *sneeze*.

The mournful piano of recurring failure scores the proceedings as Madeleine reminds us that she was in the bottom two again last week, but vows that she's going to keep fighting for it, no matter how much they put her down. We see the girls trudging to the house with their suitcases (why must they do this every week? This isn't The Apprentice. Whatever happened to "the girl whose name I do not call must immediately return home and pack your bags"?) [I like to imagine someone refused to leave and it got messy - Helen] while Emma interviews that everyone is getting stronger as the competition goes on. Risikat interviews that she came here wanting to win, and she wants to really bring it this week so she won't have to go home. So presumably we now know who gets first call-out as well, and we're only two minutes into the episode. Frankly, we don't really need to see the rest of it. Why don't we just switch over now and watch Revenge?

Elle Mail arrives: "Hi Girls, do you think you're news worthy models? You'll find out tomorrow. Love Elle x" I know that attacking the grammar of the Elle Mail is really going for the low-hanging fruit, but: newsworthy is one word, not two (I would have accepted a hyphen, but anything else is pushing it) and why do they always capitalise girls? Emma thinks they will be reading the news or possibly being the news. Yes, Emma, you will be reading the news. They've sacked Kay Burley and you're filling in until they hire a replacement, since the bosses at Sky News figured you couldn't actually be any worse than she was. Letitia simpterviews that she's feeling "run-down" at the moment because people are being mean and not just telling her she's pretty all the time, and that she hopes tomorrow isn't a speaking challenge because she's got a sore throat. She says as much to the girls, all of whom appear to be rapidly tiring of her shit (hooray!) and tell her to get the fuck over it. Bloody Anita interviews that Letitia's just out for sympathy all the time, and that she's a baby, and Bloody Anita hasn't got any sympathy for her. I feel this sort of stance is becoming a recurring theme of Bloody Anita's interviews, and normally I'd approve, but she's such a relentlessly awful human being that I just can't. Besides, I don't remember Bloody Anita being above trawling for sympathy when she was telling everyone that Madeleine was being OMG SO MEAN to her.

The next day, the girls troop out, not really knowing what their challenge is going to be. They are taken to a small studio and met by Gordon Smart, showbiz editor of The Sun. Look, here's a picture of him with Noel Fielding! To be honest, all that does is make me think slightly less of Noel Fielding.[It comes to something when your parody twitter account is more self aware than you - Helen] He tells them that to become a celebrated supermodel, they need to have a personality and a presence to match their looks. And failing that, they need a sex tape. He tells them that they're going to need to write a 60-second piece to camera about the rivals. Bloody Anita interviews that this is just going to bring out all the dirt, trying to downplay her joy that they've finally been given a challenge that plays directly into her skillset: that of being foul. They've got an hour to do it, and when they return, Gordon wants to see which of them he's going to talk about on the radio (they let him on the radio? With that monotone?) or write about in the paper. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that the answer is NONE OF THEM.

Everyone gets writing. Gordon comes to talk to Risikat, and asks her if it's like being back at school. Hey yeah, remember that time in Environmental Studies when the teacher made us all write a bitchy essay about our classmates? Risikat modestly tells Gordon that what she's going to write about is "kind of funny". Roxanne is nervous about being too honest and upsetting people. Emma says that this is her chance to show everyone that she's got a personality, because no one is able to see past her prettiness. Yeah, that must be so awful for you. Bloody Anita has written about the first day when they all met, which Gordon thinks is "pretty ballsy". Madeleine knows that everyone already hates her, so she doesn't really care about this challenge. Letitia is worried what people might say because they might be MEAN. Jeez, get over it already, Taylor Swift. Gordon thinks the wording is important, because if they stumble over their words, they'll lose their confidence.

They go into the Room Of Bitch, and see a big screen, so they realise they'll all be watching each other. Frankly, I would've assumed this from the get-go - it's a basic staple of the genre, surely? Lisa admits that the thought had crossed her mind that they'd see the videos at panel, but she didn't think they'd be watching it live. Roxanne interviews that she doesn't care what they think about her, because they're not really friends, they're just in a competition together. She's up first, being broadcast from the most craptacular CGI "studio". As my boyfriend said, "it's nice to know that Lord Fear's mountain from Knightmare is still being used for something." Roxanne gives a fairly wooden rundown of the others, saying that Letitia acts like she's all innocent, but she isn't, and she doesn't have a thick enough skin, while Emma is bland, Madeleine is clever and gives no fucks, and Roxanne is here to win. Gordon says that Roxanne's delivery was poor, and she needs to have a lot more presence. Roxanne goes into the Room Of Bitch and sees the screen that everyone was just watching her on, at which point the penny drops and she cracks up. She asks if anyone's upset by what she said, and Emma pulls a "no" face that is clearly actually a "yes" face. Roxy tells her that she only said about Emma being bland because they don't really talk. Letitia assures Roxanne that she's totally fine with everything, and that she knows she can make it in the industry and that's what matters. Bloody Anita interviews that it was very awkward in there and she could tell Letitia was about to cry, and she was thinking "don't cry on camera, Letitia, not again". Can we replace Bloody Anita as designated narrator now? I'm fed up of hearing about everything from her perspective.

Bloody Anita is next, and her account of the first day is that Madeleine rubbed up "some of the girls" the wrong way. Yes, YOU. She then asks if Madeleine can "redeem herself" and get on the girls' good sides. Oh, go fuck yourself, you self-important trout. She's rattling through it at a rate of knots, which Gordon thinks makes it all hard to digest. Madeleine thinks that Anita was playing it safe and going for cheap shots. Lisa's delivery is better, but Gordon thinks she was "too nice", although that's not necessarily a criticism. Emma's is kind of weird, and seems to be done in the style of a CBeebies birthdays segment. Sample: "she's French, she's mad, she knows how to throw a paddy - it's Maddy!" Madeleine openly laughs at this and thinks Emma is probably madder than she is. Gordon thinks Emma was forgettable. Risikat is pretty good at it - she actually has the cadence a showbiz reporter and looks very relaxed. Her piece is catty, but the good sort of catty that makes the other girls laugh. Best of all, she completely makes up a story about the Top Model house being the victim of "a thief with big thighs" just to get all the other girls arguing about who that might be - which is exactly what happens. If it were up to me, Risikat would totally win this challenge for that gold-standard piece of trolling alone. I'm also enjoying Gordon Smart delivering his verdicts to the studio team in charge of the sound and visuals, all of whom seem not to care in the slightest.

Madeleine's is full of attitude, and she calls Letitia a crybaby. "Why does she always do that?" Letitia sobs, answering her own question. Roxanne tells her that she feels this need to have everything sugarcoated, which won't work in the modelling industry. Letitia hits back that she's "not a crybaby - I just cry!" Well, that's a debate-winner. Bloody Anita tells Letitia that the industry will eat her up alive, and Letitia retorts that she can't help it if her physical response is to cry. Risikat tries to be diplomatic about it, saying that Letitia gets upset about small things - and the fact that she's reacting so emotionally to this criticism is kind of backing up Madeleine's viewpoint. Letitia tells them that she does get upset about things, but normally she'd "have her mum to talk to", again accidentally undermining her own argument to the point that Risikat has to turn away so that Letitia can't see her laughing. Risikat is so amazing in this episode. Then it's Letitia's turn, and she calls Madeleine "the Marmite of the house" (OMG RACIST) and then goes full-on diabetes talking about how Roxanne is an amazing mother and a strong woman. Roxanne feels slightly bad about what she said about Letitia, and now I'm wondering if this was Letitia's plan all along and she's secretly a cunning schemer. I hope so, I think I like that version of Letitia a lot more than the wet, simpering one.

Gordon comes in to meet the girls, and tells them that they need to learn to take criticism because not everyone's always going to like them. One girl stood out, and will win some one-to-one time with Elle. The winner is, of course, Risikat, although her response is that she doesn't really know what she's supposed to talk about. Heh.

Ad break. More haircare, make-up and cat food. What judgements should we make about this show's demographic?

The next day, an Elle Mail reveals that Elle's on her way to the house to meet Risikat, and everyone panics that the place isn't tidy enough to receive a supermodel. Risikat says that she's nervous. Emma thinks this will be a huge advantage because Elle will know Risikat better afterwards. Elle swaggers in and demands to be shown around. They show her the kitchen, and she's impressed that they've done the washing up. Risikat offers Elle some tea, and Elle's all "what a good hostess!" As the tour continues into the bedroom, Bloody Anita runs ahead to pick up her crap off the floor, but Elle catches her in the act. Then Elle takes Risikat off to the garden for a private chat while the others look on enviously from upstairs. Risikat tells Elle that she's not sure what she needs to work on to do better in the competition, and Elle tells her that she needs passion and fire, because that what attracts people. Elle adds that Risikat needs to appeal to women, because they're the ones who buy the products, and so many people get that part of the job wrong - including Elle herself back in the day, she admits. Risikat asks if she can walk for Elle to get some advice on what she needs to improve - Elle tells her she has a great walk, but needs the same energy in her pictures. Then Risikat enquires what sort of modelling she's best suited to, and Elle tells her that she would work in high-fashion as long as she keeps her hair short and her body lean. Elle gives her a bit of a posing lesson. This does appear to have actually been a very useful prize. The chat session ends with Elle and Risikat hugging, which sends all the voyeurs upstairs into paroxysms of jealousy.

Before leaving, Elle tells the girls that she's organised a little treat for them since it's a lovely sunny day - her "friends" from the Aussie Barbecue Company are coming over to do lunch. The rest of the afternoon is given over to barbecue food and a pool party, which the girls agree is much-needed after yesterday's events, and everyone seems to be friends again, more or less. Bloody Anita attempts to paint Letitia vs Madeleine as the big hatemance of the house, presumably to cover her own tracks. Risikat hopes that this new-found bonhomie is the shape of things to come. Unlikely, but we can dream.

Elle Mail! "Hi Girls, I hope you've enjoyed your afternoon off, but now it's time to dive back into the toy box for your next photoshoot. Be ready early tomorrow. Love Elle x" They seize on the word "dive" rather than "toy box" for some reason. Madeleine interviews that it's important for her to do well as she's been in two bottom twos in a row.

The next day the girls are taken to east London where they're met by Nicky Johnston, who tells them the theme of this week's shoot is broken dolls - no cutesy Barbies, we're talking the bottom of the Victorian toy box. Madeleine thinks this is something she can do, while Bloody Anita thinks this is not her thing at all. Nicky warns them all that they need to be capable of taking direction at this stage in the game, then sends them all off to hair and make-up.

The girls chat about how tough the competition is getting as they have their hair and make-up done. Lisa's the first one to get her look finished - all pale face, red cheeks and exaggerated eyebrows - and everyone laughs at how funny she looks, presumably not quite twigging that they're all going to look like that today. Risikat is hoping she can apply Elle's tips to the shoot and really bring it this week. Nicky interviews that they need to get it instantly, because there are so many props to work with.

Bloody Anita goes first, and gets the shoot pretty quickly, winning Nicky's approval. She tells him that she was really nervous about this shoot, and Nicky replies "awww" in the sort of way that only a person who really doesn't care can get away with [THIS is why I love him - Helen]. Lisa is next, and has a bit of trouble getting it, with Nicky warning her not to do "sexy eyes" and telling her that she's looking dead in this. As the shoot progresses, however, she starts to get it. Nicky declares that Lisa is very sweet, but needs a lot of direction, and he's not sure how she's going to get on in this industry. After her is Roxanne, whose shoot looks a bit lifeless. Nicky keeps telling her that she looks too pretty, and too glam. At the end of it, Nicky says that she has no personality and a face like a slapped arse. I guess we know who'll be joining Madeleine in the bottom two now.

Adverts. We should buy satchels, because fashion bloggers have them and so does Sophie Ellis-Bextor, and they were made in someone's kitchen and marketed via Google. Well, I'm sold.

After the break, it's Madeleine's turn. She interviews that she was making sure to give her best this week. Nicky tells her he wants lots of personality from her, because the last two didn't have any. Madeleine does some lip puckering and disjointed poses. Nicky seems to like the lips, but asks her to try a few without the strange pout. He says that she brought lots of energy, but he's not sure that she's the best model of the day. Risikat interviews that she felt like someone else during the shoot, and that she thinks the wig made her go mental. It is a pretty creepy wig, it has to be said, though I think the shit-eating grin on Risikat's face is what sells it. She's basically going full-on Black Swan, and it is epic. All we need is for Elle to run on flapping "WHERE'S MY SWEET GIRL?" Nicky thinks her first shot isn't dramatic enough, which Risikat is FURIOUS about, so she goes full-on batshit and terrifying. Nicky gives Risikat the thumbs-up.

Emma is trying very hard not to be boring, but finds it hard to know where to put her legs in her giant blue tutu. She does a good job at looking like a broken ballet girl from a music box, though. She interviews that it was hard to find good positions within the brief, so she experimented, and while she's sure some of them are awful, she hopes there are some good ones in there as well. Nicky says that the only problem with Emma is that she's (wait for it) so pretty that trying to make her look hard and edgy is going to be difficult, should they need to do that at some point. Finally we have Letitia who's determined to be confident and thick-skinned this week. Her shoot is happening somewhere where all the other girls can rubberneck at her, but it doesn't put her off and she delivers some top quality broken harlequin. Nicky tells her she's the best at moving so far, and Risikat scowls. Heh. Emma points out that, as Letitia is the last one to go out, that means the rest of them can't have been very good. Nicky says she was brilliant to work with, and Letitia is very happy with how it went. Overall, he thinks there are some girls left who shouldn't be models, while some have a bright future ahead.

Back at the house, everyone's having a bit of a post-shoot analysis. Bloody Anita humblegloats about how well she did, while Roxanne is nervous about how badly she think she did. Emma interviews that there will only be six people left tomorrow, and she hopes she won't be the one going home. Bloody Anita interviews that, as the group gets smaller, it's increasingly harder to predict who's going home.

Once again, there is no Elle Mail, just the Voice of Fearne to usher in this week's panel. This week's guest judge is supermodel and former M&S harpy Erin O'Connor. Elle is wearing red leather trousers, which is the sort of thing you can only really get away with when you're a supermodel.

Risikat's first this week, and her broken doll shot gets a good reception. Erin thinks she really got into character, but advises Risikat to watch her body because she's not sure this shot was the most flattering position for what she was wearing. Whitney says that this was a hard challenge because it wasn't about being beautiful, but she really likes the energy. Elle thinks Risikat met the spec. Emma is next, and her shot looks like Nicky interrupted her in the middle of a fairly listless game of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes". Elle isn't sure if it's a broken doll, but it's a pretty ballerina. Julien thinks she's fabulous. Erin warns her that the golden rule of modelling is to never let the camera see the bottom of your shoes.

Bloody Anita is next, and her shot looks like Bettie Page recovering after a night on the tiles. Tyson thinks she's into the character and took direction well. Julien loves it because it looks expensive. Erin thinks Bloody Anita is doll-like in real life and used that to her advantage.

Mid-judging advert break. *snarl* Is it just me, or does Blake Lively really look uncannily like turn-of-the-millennium Gwyneth Paltrow in that Hugo Boss fragrance ad?

When we're back, Roxanne is next, and her picture is the definition of couldn't-be-arsed. Whitney thinks Roxanne has a lot of potential, but her lack of self-belief is holding her back. Elle criticises her for being limp rather than broken in her picture. Then it's Letitia's turn, and she tells the panel how the other girls could see her during her shoot, so she made a point of turning it on. Her picture looks...odd, and perhaps not in the intended way. Tyson likes the curly hair on her, and Whitney thinks her face looks possessed in a good way. Then we have Madeleine, who Julien thinks was like a firework when we started, but now she's fizzled out. Erin thinks Madeleine played with her face too much, and she needs to learn the difference between "character-beautiful" and "frightening". Finally there's Lisa, who is very nervous this week because she knows her shoot didn't go so well, even though she enjoyed it. Erin thinks the composition of her body is brilliant, and Lisa breathes a sigh of relief. Julien channels Arlene Phillips to the point that I feel I need to transcribe him verbatim: "You've got the red slippers on, you've tapped them three times, and you end up at the end of the rainbow, but this looks like a collapsed rainbow." The rest of the panel kind of shrugs, which can't be a good sign.

Everyone troops out. Madeleine interviews that she knows inside she's a good model, regardless of what everyone else thinks. Risikat appears to be bitching about her, but in a generic way that never actually specifically names Madeleine, so I'm going to refrain from commenting on this because it has a faint whiff of editing trickery about it.

The panel deliberates. Risikat looks confident and like a top model, and Elle feels like she's really warmed to her after spending more time with her. Emma doesn't look like a broken doll, but she does look like a model. Erin thinks Bloody Anita looks like an actress, while Julien thinks she looks like a Charles Dickens novel. Whitney isn't sure Letitia's picture works, and Erin finds the picture uncomfortable to look at, while Elle notes that she doesn't assume other characters very well. Julien thinks there's something the matter with Roxanne every week, and Erin thinks that this shot would not cut it in the industry. Elle thinks Roxanne has a great face, but she can't stay if she's not delivering. Madeleine's picture gets a general sense of "oh dear" from everyone, with Tyson noting that she should've been harder or scarier. Elle doesn't mind the lip thing, in fact she applauds her for having the balls to try it, but she wonders if Madeleine's cut out for the industry. Lisa's picture is not viewed as a great one, while Julien think she looks like she's in fancy dress. Erin says Lisa needs to learn how to make the hair and costume to avoid being swallowed-up.

There are seven girls in front of Elle, but she only has six pictures in her hands. Picture of the week goes to Risikat. Hooray! Bloody Anita is second. Boo! Emma is third, then Letitia, who promptly goes backstage and cries because Nicky was so happy with her but she only got fourth call-out. At this point I feel the need to invoke the 5G rule: good grief, get a grip, girl. Bloody Anita, to her credit, points out that it doesn't matter because Letitia is still through to next week where she'll have another chance, and Letitia wails that this is why she never allows herself to get her hopes up. Yes, clearly these are the emotions of a woman with low expectations. Lisa is called next, and is warned that it wasn't her best shot, but it was still a good try. She walks in to the holding room looking absolutely flattened, but it turns out she's actually worried about Roxanne and Madeleine. Aw. I love Lisa.

Roxanne and Madeleine are called forward. Elle says it's difficult to see them both there because they're both fabulous, but they're both seeming defeated somehow, and it's showing in their picture. There's only one place left, and they have to give it to the girl who still has a shot of winning - and that girl, of course, is Roxanne. [I am not happy about this and I will be avenged - Helen]

Over shots of her portfolio, Madeleine tells us this is just the beginning and she's so happy to have been a part of this. At least now she won't have to put up with Bloody Anita any more, which is a victory of sorts.

Next week: back-to-back photoshoots! Tarantulas! Bloody Anita kicking off again! I am quite glad I do not have to recap that one. Good luck, Helen...