Friday, 19 October 2012

Where did you go...

Where are they now? Broadcast 8th October 2012

Hello! Welcome to the final recap of the series (I’m not calling it a cycle). Also, welcome to a world where Bloody Anita isn’t the best at winning a reality TV show model in the country and it actually went toLetitia who spent the whole shenanigans hanging around in the background like a particularly smelly, buxom, weepy broccoli fart – being mildly offensive to the senses but never quite being irritating enough to cause a scene or interesting enough to cause comment. Apparently, being more interesting than Emma G is enough to make you a Top Model these days. Who knew?

But less of that, we need to talk about where the models are these days. I think this show is basically to remind us of some of the people who are going to be on America’s Next Top Model British Invasion. Either that or it’s just pure rubbernecking. We’ll see.

First up we have a montage of the previous winners that goes Alex, Tuffunuh, that one nobody can remember, Jade, Mecia then Lucy. I don’t see Lianna, which pleases me because she’s awful. Are any of these girls actually likeable?  The fucking voice of Fucking Fearne tells us that thousands have applied and the grand total of 103 girls have entered the house and eight have become Top Models. She then burbles some crap about the process of becoming a top model and how tough it is. We see Olivia from series 6 having a good old melt down. We then see the icyphotoshoot from series 6. God, they were horrible to the girls that year.  I get to see Alisha pretend that it was fun though.  Always good. It wasn’t all fun though, Fearne cautions us. No, at some point, you turned up. We see series 1 Lucy crying to her mum, Series 7 Tanya having a good old water melt down and for some reason, Kirsty series 6 playing with a sparkler. Random. 

The experience is once in a lifetime though. We’re promised a trip around the world to see how the girls are getting on and how their time on a reality TV show boosted their career gave them the experience that they needed to make it as a Top Model. It’s changed Mecia’s life.  She’s been in an Olly Murs video and EVERYTHING. Modelling saved her from having to be a travel agent or an air hostess.  This show changes lives everyone! Joy (MY JOY) used to live in a council estate in Leeds and can’t believe how her life has changed. Charlotte’s been Miss England and Letitia won!

The first series was in 2004 and Lisa Butcher was at the helm. Oh Lisa Butcher. Even pretending to be friends with Mica Paris couldn’t save your career.  The first group of girls were apparently put to the test, as Naomi tells us. This is illustrated by poorly shot footage of a frankly terrifying Paul Danan roaming through them. Naomi says that they set the mark. Naomi went on to become an actual model. She describes an ice cream challenge that I can’t remember but looks HILARIOUS. Naomi says that after the show she went on to Milan and the show helped her to deal with castings.  She’s now a jewellery designer. Apparently she’s had some stuff in Vogue. It looks one step up from what I imagine children make in American summer camp. She describes her awesome life which involves a scooter, castings, issues of Vogue and working away. Lucy Ratcliffe was the winner and winning gave her the confidence to follow her modelling dream. She’s done shows for Jay Lindberg, Michael Kors, Elle Saab and Jenny Packham, Various Fashion weeks and lots of magazine work. She’s found it amazing. She thinks the best thing about being a model is being the centre of attention. She now runs a rock and roll boutique with her husband in Spain. She’s had a child called Tiger so she’s mainly taken a step back from modelling to look after him. She pretends that Bintmodel has given her the tough love that she needed to come out of her shell and it’s prepared her for the modelling world. I know she’s lying when she says that the show is a true representation of the modelling world. She finishes by saying that she doesn’t know where she’d be without it.

Series 2 saw the arrival of Lisa Snowdon, bin bag dresses, dogs, chickens and rain. Lianna apparently went on to live the model dream and worked with Rankin and Lily Cole. Blessedly, she is absent from these proceedings and they wheel out her winners speech again.  I still want to punch her. Instead, we’re treated to Jasmia who came third and is in the British Invasion cycle.  Her experience was fantastic overall.  She was shy and subdued before the show and it brought her out of herself. Apparently, before the show she’d never even worn heels so everything is LERNIN. She’s apparently working on her new album which is Kylie meets Wiley (SHOOT YOURSELF) and her new single is dropping and it’s called Model Walk.  She’s going to take over the world . GOOD RUCK KID.

We are also reminded of Tamar from that series who must be doing something interesting as I barely remember her. Apparently they did a burlesque challenge with Immodesty Blaze and later Tamar auditioned for her and she remembered her. She’s now properly a Burlesque dancer. The show made her what she is today and she wouldn’t change a thing.

Also from that series is arguably the most famous of all the alumni, Abbey Clancy. Fearne describes her as bubbly and effervescent. She was on the show pre-Peter Crouch so much is made of her meeting and marrying him since. We even get a picture of her child. As soon as she came out of the house she became a WAG and ended up in the papers. She thinks the show helped her deal with this. She’s proud of being in Russian Vogue, Love Magazine and walking for “Giles” when pregnant and with even bigger boobs. She then says Matalan and Umbro really quietly.  She’s done some telly stuff too and it’s been amazing. She says it’s all down to Britain’s Next Top Model but doesn’t really sound convinced.

The adverts feature the British Invasion Promo funnily enough, but that’s not why we’re here. Fearne has now moved on to pondering what the girls from series three learned from their time on the show. Stefanie seems to be successful and has lots of international agents.  Rebecca is now a glamour model. The winner, Lauren is now a successful commercial model. She’s interviewed on a shoot in New York. She describes her career trajectory from building site to dining with beautiful people in Miami. Someone called Steven Haynes from Nevs Model Agency pops up to call her Commercial Dynamite because she has a body and hair. Lauren’s favourite bit about being a model is going abroad. HOW ORIGINAL. She’s even been in a Wanted video. She claims the show helped her grow as a person.

Next up we have Jodie Harsh and the series four girls.  Series four was apparently about fire, fashonistas and fun.  HA LOL REMEMBER WHEN THEY ROLLED AROUND IN KETCHUP!!1 Alex was the winner and Katherine second.  Alex was the actual worst before Bloody Anita. Steven Hayes thinks she’s a massive all rounder. She’s been in a Lynx advert and everything.  Fortunately, Alex is also apparently unavailable.

Series five saw a Top Model Bootcamp. Apparenty, this one was all about kissing. Well, apart from Mecia who doesn’t want to kiss a boy but is quite happy to kiss Fuckingsophie. As a brief aside, this series was the first one that I had twitter for and I mainly used twitter to rant about Fuckingsophie, who is the actual worst, more so than Bloody Anita could ever be. Seriously, I think she’s awful and I was never happier than when she lost until Alisha lost.  This series was also the series of Annalise (BRITISH INVASION KLAXON). She fondly remembers winning her challenge being interviewed by Johnny Vaughan. This is apt because she’s got her own radio show three days a week. She plays Banging Tracks. She’s good at talking apparently, but what the show taught her was to have dry, thick skin like an elephant. It made her strong and words can’t bring her down any more.

We see Jade McSorley. Remember when Jade was ROBBED? They decided in the last week that she was too thin. IN THE LAST WEEK. She was the total best model in the whole competition. You could also tell that FuckingSophie knew this and thought she had it in the bag once Jade was booted out and her face when Mecia won was PRICELESS so every cloud and that.  We re-witness her heartbreaking leaving speech about how she was glad she didn’t win because she realises that she’s too thin and she knows that she’s going to walk a catwalk again. I would question the motives behind having her on the show at all but she’s not responsible for her own exploitation so that they can have a Very Special Episode.  Yeah, I’m totally over it.  Jade has now reached a healthy weight and has been shot by Rankin. She’s been in Cosmopolitan and Vogue and has worked in Milan, Paris and Munich. She’s currently living and working in New York. She’s really pleased to be there and she would like to be on a billboard on Times Square. She credits the show for bringing her out of her comfort zone and making her see that the model dream was within reach. We see Jade going to a casting where a man tells her that she looks different in her pictures. She says the show gave her the knowledge that she could be a model and helped her prove things to herself. The man turns out to be Julien Miachon-Hobson who predicts big things for Jade in the future.  Hurrah!

Haha! Fuckingsophie only came second! Oh that will never, ever get old.  She remembers crying when she didn’t win. She thought it was the end of her life but it’s not! She’s back! Yay. No. She’s been on magazines, the ‘runway’ and around the globe. She remembers when she did ‘Britain’s’ thinking that underwater photo shoots would never happen in the real world but it ended up being one of the first jobs she booked.  Fuckingsophie is now on the same books as Cindy Crawford, Alek Wek and Kate Moss. But she didn’t win. HAHA! It was Mecia! She couldn’t believe that she’d actually won and was sure, along with Fuckingsophie, that Fuckingsophie would win, but her name was the one called. She remembers seeing her face on a magazine in the shops for the first time and  wondering if anyone would recognise her.  She’s in the latest Olly Murs video and thinks that the other girls will be jealous. Not me. She has also been saved from a career as a travel agent.

Next up is a little segment about all the places around the world the girls have been. This includes scenes from all the series.  Some look warmer than others. Jade Series seven remarks that her vista looks like a postcard. I don’t understand this bit.

On to series six. This is when Elle arrived and the budget was increased. This year was the one that started with a model academy. We see the girls crying at Elle then a bit about the shoots being more exciting than ever before. This was the series with Alisha. God, she’s annoying.  Another person who was annoying in that series was Kirsty, who is now the face of Sweaty Betty. She really likes working as a model and credits the show with getting her noticed as a model as the agencies didn’t want her before.  She felt the show put a little highlight on her personality and people liked her so they took her on. I think they must have been watching a different show.

In the actual worst category, we see Alisha crying for some reason or other. Perhaps it’s some kind of invented phobia or drama.  I don’t care to know. We see everyone crying when Charlotte, or Baby Elle as she called herself once as a joke, left, seeminglythrough no choice of Elle’s.  Charlotte’s career has apparently been mixed. She’s been working ever since. She’s the bum and legs for Per Una and she’s currently Miss Devon and now Miss England.  I think she deserves it.

We’re reminded of the terrible live final and how the viewers chose the winner. For some reason, I’m wondering how you’re all feeling. How are you feeling? This was the series that contained my undoubtedly favourite Top Model contestant and perhaps my favourite reality TV contestant EVER, Joy.  She came third in a travesty that has yet to be rivalled.  Lucy Brown from Models 1 tells us that they pursued Joy after the show ended because she’s just that awesome. She’s got a brilliant career. She is on the show and is interviewed from her home in Hong Kong which is great because it’s really different and there’s lots of good jobs out there. IN YOUR FACE, EVERYONE ELSE. Emmanuelle Pouliquen from Synergy Model Management tells us that Joy is the best kind of model because she can do everything. She’s worked with Tom Ford, Hermes, Dolce e Gabanna and Calvin Klein. She’s been in Elle, Look and Harpers Bazaar and has done both London and Paris fashion week. She’s basically winning at modelling. The show finds her doing a night shoot in Hong Kong for winter jackets. She tells us that it’s weird to look back on how she used to live on a council estate in Leeds and now she’s travelling the world. She doesn’t specifically thank the show. That, in case you didn’t know, is all the reason you need to love her right there.

Joy wasn’t the winner, oh no, it was underwater voiced Tuffunuh who was the “worthy” winner.  WUNNING HUS CHANGED HUR LIFE COMPLETLEY. IT WUS DEFUNUTLY THE BUST EXPURIENCE SHE’S UVER HUD.  She moved to London after winning and has shot all over the world for global brands.  Now she’s got her own swimwear line which she’s also modelling. Before she was a model she wanted to be a designer. She credits the show with opening doors for her and she’s still getting butterflies when she does stuff. BORED.

We’re on to the seventh series now, which contained the three ill advised weeks of auditions. This was so ill advised that we get a segment dedicated to the show’s only “lets laugh at the deluded person” contestant, the marvellous Tania Roxanna Federenco.  We get to see Anastasija flashing Elle, Tanya having a water based meltdown and Imogen being upstaged by a bird of prey again.  It’s Imogen we catch up with first.  We’re reminded that she promised that she would knock on doors until someone took her in and we find out someone has! Steven Haynes, remember him? Keep up, tells us that she’s well known for her body and does a lot of online stuff, which doesn’t seem suspicious at all.  Her life has changed since being on the show. She used to have a 9-5 job and now she doesn’t.

But she wasn’t the winner. The winner was Jade. When she won she went to Ireland after, then had to go to Glasgow to give a Mobo award with no rehearsal. Then she went to the Pride Of Britain awards and Cheryl Cole knew who she was and she didn’t sleep for a week. This section feels a little bit like a four year old telling you about their day.  We see Jade do a shoot for Schwarzkopf with TUFFUNUH and she goes on about how amazing it is to work with the brand and the competition has helped her out because she’s doing the stuff that she did in the competition but it’s not a competition so she can relax and do her job. TAKE A BLOODY BREATH WOMAN. That’s actually how she talks. The Schwarzkopf lady tells us that booking the Bintmodel girls is a no brainer for them because they have the same target audience and why wouldn’t they capitalise on that? I’m paraphrasing of course. Lucy from Models 1 is really excited about Jade because she’s so different because she has freckles and a body. The clients love her too. She’s done shoots for Levis and Swansea Life magazine. Levis love her because she’s unique and striking and this goes well with their brand. She’s also just done a campaign for Julien McDonald at Debenhams and she’s shocked that she’s the first contestant that he’s booked. This makes her feel special. The show has changed her life for the better because she’s now in London being a model.

There now follows another montage about challenges and photoshoots, which are designed to prepare them for the modelling world. After being on the show, there is apparently nothing that they can’t do.  The things they can do include wearing hats, ice skating, having maracas shaken at them, dealing with Janice Dickinson, riding donkeys and being hot.  Nicky Johnston the photographer basically admits to getting them to do ridiculous things under the guise of giving them experience. We see Ashley from series five trying to eat sheeps brain in Sweden. Again, your British Invasion alarm should be going off. The other things they have learned are dancing, smashing pretend bottles and being underwater. We also see Lisa Snowdon tell Series 3 Stefanie not to panic when she’s being sent underwater and that totally cures her except it doesn’t. Someone is on a crane for no reason and we’re reminded of the time in Series 6 where Kirsty had to be covered in chocolate whilst hungover which was BRILLIANT, followed by Joy saying a very bad word on live television.

Fearne’s back. She tells us that the road to victory not only takes good face but also needs a thick skin.  This is mainly about the judges. Annalise series five tells us that being judged was the hardest part of the whole thing. We see series four’s Rachael Cairns who I’d forgotten about having a total meltdown. She was the actual worst too. Jade McSorley interviews about how intense the judging was, as does Kirsty series six. Imogen series 7 tells us that eliminations make her arms sweat. We see a judge who I can’t remember being a bitch. Wikipedia tells me she’s Paula Hamilton.  I get lost in Wikipedia for a while.  I come back and see someone whose name for the life of me I can’t remember though I remember she was awesome being called a bitch by the judges. We see Gerry DeVaux tell Alex S4 she can’t dress and Nicky Johnstone tell Viola (S5) that she looks dead. Huggy tells Fuckingsophie (S5) that she looks like a Girls Aloud stand in which is frankly an insult to Girls Aloud. Next is Grace Woodward telling Amba (S6) not to be boring and Julien telling Alisha (S6) she looks like a drag queen. Ha! Next is Charley calling Tanya S7 plain and finally we have Elle telling Amy S7 that she was the hardest to shoot. Way to be a bitch, Elle! You can add that to the stuff that you’re rubbish at.

Next up, makeovers and fights! Totally saving the best for last.

We return to a montage of people having their hair cut off. Fearne tells us that one of the biggest challenges is trusting the professionals with giving them a new look. Especially if the person deciding on it is Julien. It’s emotional but necessary and takes a bit of getting used to.  Lee Pycroft, the chief makeup artist tells us that they really have to help the girls embody their new look. To illustrate this, we see Anastasija getting her hair dyed pink. Fuckingsophie tells us in voiceover that there’s always someone who cries and remembers some people having massive, full on  hurricane sobs.

Annalise tells us about Maddie in series five who wanted a drastic new look and went from long and blonde to short and red and wept excessively because her hair made people look at her fat thighs. She’s later seen in judging talking about how much she likes it. Then we get to relive TUFFUNUH’S makeover from series six where she cried for a week. Charlotte remembers it fondly. TUFFUNUH tells us that she still can’t watch it.  It’s now Juste series seven’s turn to get the chop and she weeps through her long blonde hair getting turned short and dark.  Lee Pycroft pops up again to tell us she’s always right.

Finally FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Fearne tells us that loads of girls are bound to find it hard to live together.  She’s so wise.  We see Catherine and Fuckingsophie doing some shouting and Annalise slamming a door. Abbey Clancy tells us that if all the girls are striving to be the best, there’s bound to be murder and there was. This is illustrated by Abbey telling us that she ended up in the final four with bitches from hell and we see her having an argument with Jasmia whilst eating her breakfast. Classeh.  Jasmia said that this was down to being in each other’s faces. Stefanie series 3 said that being in the house tested her personality to the limit and w e see Carly having a massive argument with her. Rebecca remembers how bitchy the house was and we see a massive argument erupt between Rebecca and someone whose name I can’t remember which culminates in a wine glass being smashed.  Rebecca remembers this being a massive mistake because it wasn’t top model behaviour. Being in the house made her respect other’s opinions more and helped her grow up. I can’t believe they’re crediting the show with all this.

Next up, Annalise series 5 remembers Ashley as the biggest trouble maker. Ashley interviews that honesty is the best policy. Heh. Mecia remembers little things adding up to wind her up then ending in confrontation. We see Mecia and Ashley arguing.  Ashley interviews that when she watched it back she understands that she came across as aggressive and she’s a much nicer person now just in time for the British Invasion. We now have one of the wonderful Tanya vs. Everyone moments from Series 7. This is the Anastasija edition.  Jade is called upon to answer this. She says that everyone was arguing because they wanted the same things. This speech from the Jade bubble is interspersed with Tanya calling Anastasija “lower than dirt” and Anastaija making her ‘you’ll keep till later’ face.  Jade talks about backstabbing and friendships being made but she can look back and see that it’s the BEST THING SHE EVER DID.

The voice of Fearne finishes proceedings by telling us that Bintmodel gives the girls an invaluable insight into the world of fashion and it’s an inspirational adventure they’ll never forget. Lucy is proud to be the first ever winner because it pushed her and made her more confident. Rebecca will never forget her experience. It made Tamar who she is today. Anastasija remembers everything. Charlotte thinks the show prepared her for the real world. Jade McSorely wonders what her life would be like if she never auditioned and she’s so glad she did. Ashley thinks it’s a good platform for further work and it’s been amazing.  Abbey Clancy thinks it’s weird that she went from a little girl who wanted to be a model who took the advice she got on the show to being papped and being a grown up. The show is credited with this, not her marriage to a Premier league footballer. Imogen can’t believe that a year ago she was sitting in a pub and now she’s a working model.  Lauren McAvoy feels blessed that the show has changed her life. Jade tears up when she looks back because she can’t believe she’s part of the top model family. She wants to do it all again.

But that’s not it, we see Letitia win again and shoot her Revlon Campaign. She can’t believe it etc. Goodness only knows who it will be next time! Goodness only knows if we can put ourselves through this again. We’ll see. So until then... Goodbye. 

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Queen Herod

The Final: 1st October 2012

Previously on BintModel: everything. An entire series, in fact. They went to Dubai, then they went to the Top Model house, then they went to the hairdressers, then they went to cry in the confessional booth, then they went feral at each other, and slowly but surely they all went home. All of them, that is, except three: Bloody Anita, the worst person in the entire world; Emma, who's nice but dull; and Letitia, the one with big tits who cries a lot. Tonight: one of them will be crowned BintModel, and the reaction will probably be a hearty shrug from the universe.


We're still in Canada, as the aerial photography indicates, and the show decides to rub salt into the wound by showing us Lisa's final moments before going home, in which she is genuinely pleased for the girls who made the final and congratulates them. Oh, Lisa. Truly, you are too nice a person for reality television. Emma interviews that she can't believe Lisa's gone home, while Anita sits with terrible posture and says that she's going to miss Lisa so much. Letitia cries (I know, shocking isn't it?) that there are people who think she shouldn't have stayed. And to be fair, I do think that, but then I think that about all three of the finalists, who are some of the most mediocre models I've ever seen, even by this show's standards. Bloody Anita interviews that Letitia keeps scraping through and she doesn't understand how. Well, Bloody Anita, now you know how we felt having to put up with you for an entire series. I'm not proud of it, but I actually flipped the bird at my television at this point. I'm so glad that, one way or another, I am officially done with Bloody Anita after this episode.

There is an Elle mail waiting on the bed, which Bloody Anita reads: "Hello to my final three. Congratulations on getting this far - get a good night's sleep as tomorrow you'll have all eyes on you. Lots of love, Elle x" Oh, lots of love, is it now? Someone's getting a bit over-familiar.

The next day, hair and make-up people come to the penthouse to get the girls all styled up for their next assignment - but the final three don't actually know what they're doing. (Feel free to interpret that sentence as you see fit.) It is quite bonkers make-up, so it's obviously something high fashion. Emma interviews that Bloody Anita is her strongest competition, so she needs to watch out for her. Bloody Anita interviews that her biggest competition is Emma. Letitia just thinks she's competing against two really strong people. Gosh, it's almost like Letitia is some sort of underdog, isn't it? I wonder why they'd want us to think that about her. (Spoiler: she wins.)[I know that this isn't the home of logic, but Letitia has never had top photo. She's not an underdog. She's just... Well.. You know - Helen]

The girls troop out into a waiting car and are ferried to their next assignment: a rather lovely, but cold-looking beach. "I wish I'd brought a bigger coat," frets Bloody Anita. Elle turns up wrapped in a blanket and informs them all that they are at the Scarborough Bluffs, where they'll be doing a shoot inspired by Canada's rich history. I wonder if they'll be pretending it is actually Scarborough, given Canada's rich history of pretending to be other places for film and television locations. Elle continues that she's excited to be working with them on set, and that all the judges will be watching closely, so the girls must remember everything they've been taught over the last 12 weeks. I'm struggling to think what that might be, to be honest. All I can come up with is "don't squint" for Bloody Anita, "have smaller boobs" for Letitia and "look less like Letitia" for Emma. Still, it's all valuable advice, I suppose. They'll also be working with a horse called Sisco. Then Elle breaks the bad news: after this shoot, somebody will be going home.

Bloody Anita interviews that she can't believe this is the last photoshoot of the whole competition, and that she just wants to go further and win the whole thing. However, she cautions, if she doesn't produce a good picture here, she's going to be gone. She poses with Sisco. Elle reminds Bloody Anita of the importance of finding her light. The photographer asks for a little bit more expression. Tyson tells her not to be afraid to try something new. Bloody Anita responds to this by pretending the horse is a male model and getting all intimate with it. There's a lot to be said for playing to your strengths, right? Whitney thinks Bloody Anita looks a little rigid, but Julien thinks she still looks good. I can't believe Whitney Port of all people ended up being the voice of this blog as far as Bloody Anita is concerned; I feel slightly dirty about having this spiritual connection with her now [I'm still laughing that she called someone else rigid - Helen]. Elle goes over and physically places Bloody Anita into a pose. I feel like that really can't be a good thing at this stage of the contest. In the final few frames, Elle encourages Bloody Anita to do whatever she feels like; she does so, and the photographer reminds her to make sure it's feminine. The final few shots seem to impress, and Elle tells Bloody Anita she's very happy for her, and gives her the blanket. Bloody Anita interviews that she'll be annoyed if she leaves now and she doesn't think she should. She's clearly about to say "I'm the best one here" and stops herself just in time, replacing it with "I've been doing really well". Snerk.

The judges appraise Bloody Anita's work on the horsey shoot. Julien thinks that you'd never know that she doesn't know anything about fashion or modelling. He's impressed that she doesn't look cold. Whitney thinks Bloody Anita did amazing. Ly. Amazingly. God, why does everyone on television struggle with adverbs?

Commercials. Pretty much entirely cats, chocolate and make-up. Such is the life of a modern woman.

Emma is next, vowing that she doesn't want to go home, but she's feeling the pressure. Elle introduces Emma to the fit-for-the-1970s photographer, Gabor Jurina (who also shot the girls for the hypothetical Fashion magazine cover at Top 5, so it seems odd that they're pretending they've never met), and Gabor tells her to think goddess, princess, strong. Emma seems to get this pretty well, from the way she's posing. Again, Elle comes and moves her into position so perhaps it wasn't such a terrible thing when she did it to Bloody Anita. The wind appears to be in Emma's favour as well, catching her hair very well. Emma walks with the horse, and pets it on the nose. It looks like a decently diverse shoot, so well done Emma. She gets a group hug from the judges, and then gets her turn with the blanket. Emma interviews that it's a sad moment to have done her final shoot on the show, and hopes she's done enough to make the final two.

The judges look at her pictures, and Whitney thinks she looks gorgeous, and again you can't see the cold. Elle thinks there's an American Vogue feel to them, while Julien thinks Emma's taken on board all the criticism about being too quiet, and was really alive on the shoot.

Finally we have Letitia, who admits to feeling nervous with all the pressure and having just recently been in the bottom two. Gabor wants her to interact more with the horse, and Letitia's a little bit hesitant, with Whitney noting that if Letitia isn't being given step-by-step instructions, then she doesn't really know what to do. However, eventually there's a breakthrough - Elle thinks she's gorgeous, and Whitney says "you can't teach beauty, but you can teach how to model" - which is fair enough, but wasn't that the whole point of this show? Shouldn't Letitia be perhaps a little bit more knowledgeable at this point? Again, the wind cooperates and Letitia gets the money shot, the hug from Elle, and the blanket. Tyson gives her a piggyback back to the trailers, and Letitia interviews that she hopes she did well, but she thinks the others probably did better.

They look at her pictures - Whitney thinks that Letitia is stunning, but that she needs constant direction. Julien agrees, but he thinks that when the pictures are great, they're great. Whitney thinks she's the most unique-looking, and Elle says Letitia is somebody that she really wants to know.

The girls sit in what appears to be some sort of beach hut awaiting their fate. Letitia is close to tears. I really need a macro for that at this point.

The judges deliberate on the beach. Elle thinks Emma worked beautifully, and Julien thinks she was professional and natural and acted like a model, but Whitney thinks they mustn't forget that she hasn't always had the biggest personality in front of them. Julien: "Well, not everybody's got the personality of Tyson Beckford." AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Letitia was hard to work with, and Julien thinks she hasn't mastered the art of acting like a model, but Tyson thinks that can be taught. Yes, but SHE SHOULD HAVE LEARNT BY NOW. Why can they not hear me when I yell at the television? Why was Lisa sent home for "you keep doing the same thing with your face" but Letitia remains despite "you do not know how to model yet"? This show is so infuriating sometimes. Whitney thinks they  need to compare them to each other, and Letitia has the most natural beauty. Julien thinks they've found someone with the actual potential to be a supermodel. Finally, we have Bloody Anita, who is full of confidence, and Whitney thinks she looked great in person, but then going through the pictures: *pulls face*. Tyson thinks the poses were great, but the face wasn't great. Julien thinks she's unique and "exotic", which...choose your words carefully, Julien, I beg of you.

The top three stride over to meet with the judges, and Elle tells them they've reached a decision based on today's pictures. She mangles, "the first name of the girl I'm going to call is the girl who's gotten through to the final", and that girl is Emma. Emma is thrilled. Bloody Anita looks sick to her stomach. Hooray! And the second girl joining her in the final is...Letitia. Bloody Anita looks furious. HOORAY! Before the show aired, I genuinely thought Bloody Anita was going to win. I'd even pre-prepared the recap for this episode, which would have been "Bloody Anita wins, fuck this show forever, the end." So while I'm disappointed that now I actually have to do some work, at least the judges finally came to their senses and realised that Bloody Anita is at best a so-so model and sent her packing. If only they'd reached that conclusion about eight episodes ago, I'd have been much happier, but better late than never.

Anyway, Julien advances on Bloody Anita, arms outstretched zombie-fashion, and Bloody Anita sobs that she's gutted. Tee hee hee. She's loved the whole experience, and guarantees us that "you'll see me more". To be fair, love, you've been on Sky Living. I'm not sure it's possible to see you less. We recap Bloody Anita's portfolio which, Revlon shot aside, is atrocious, and she fades out, leaving us with Emma and Letitia. You know, the two girls who looked so alike that Julien told them there was only room for one of them in the competition. Well done Julien. *golf clap* [I enjoyed Anita's last minute bussing more than is decent. It was a wonderful thing - Helen]

Elle tells Emma and Letitia that the judges will be watching them closely tomorrow in their final runway for Pavoni. The twins giggle in an interview that they can't believe that they're the final two, and then they run off down the beach to twirl around with Julien.

It's night-time, and back at Model Hotel, Emma interviews that tomorrow is the biggest day of the whole thing, and they'll be taking part in a show with professional models that will determine the winner. Letitia interviews that she can't explain how much she wants this, and we see her practising her walk. She thinks that people who look like her don't get picked up by agencies, and that's why she's happy to be here. Emma practises her walk as well. Letitia interviews that Emma is tough competition, but people have told her that she's stronger at catwalk, so she might yet have the upper hand.

Commercials. It's odd when they have genuine fashion commercials on this show with real models in them, because it does make you look rather unfavourably at the contestants.

The next day, we see some shots of downtown Toronto, including a street sign that says "One Way Begins", which feels portentous somehow in this context. Letitia apparently slept in her bathrobe. The two finalists get dressed and head in the car to the Pavoni show. Upon arrival, they're greeted by produced Hans Koechling, who shows them to the ice-themed set. First things first, they have to practice by taking off their shows and getting on the runway. They do some walking practice backstage with assistant producer Warren Leacock, who gives Emma and Letitia a lesson in how to strengthen their spines - until he determines that he can't keep looking at Letitia because she has Hypno-Eyes or something. Letitia interviews that she feels nervous and pressured, and that she hopes it won't all get the better of her. Emma says that she's nervous, but she can't wait to get out there because the set and the dresses are amazing. Speaking of which, Emma and Letitia get styled up and then walk for Pavoni, alias Mike Derderian and Gianni Falcone, who look like they just walked off the set of Jersey Shore (incidentally, I'm not saying that this is not an important fashion brand, but if you google "Pavoni" the first page of results is almost entirely coffee machines). Letitia interviews with a chuckle that Emma has all the high-necked dresses, while she's got all the tits-out ones. Fancy that! Emma interviews that, given Letitia's previous criticism for being too sexy, being given all the booby dresses might turn out to be a hindrance. Gianni plays with Letitia's tits as he wrangles her into a dress. Letitia interviews that she has "a woman's figure", and that it's a big deal to have made it this far in the competition without a chest like an ironing board. Emma interviews that she keeps having outbursts of laughter, because she can't quite believe that she's here. I keep having outbursts of laughter, because I can't quite believe that Bloody Anita isn't. Champagne for everyone!

Backstage, Emma and Letitia chat with the real models. A friendly model tells them that the label is quite edgy, which requires a bit of speedy, whereas with gowns you can take your time a bit more. I'm transcribing that for all aspiring models reading this. This information is brought to you free of charge, because I'm nice like that.

The models line up for rehearsal, with Emma and Letitia at the front of the queue. Backstage manager Jeffrey O'Brecht tells them to take their time to avoid having an accident, and warns them to point their toes as they walk down stairs so that they can find the next step. Emma is thrilled that she's opening the show. She walks about, and Hans tells her that she needs her walk to be stronger. Letitia follows, and she gets much the same feedback. Backstage, Emma interviews that this is just the rehearsal, and it's still terrifying. Letitia struggles to find her mark on the catwalk. Afterwards, she gets cross that she slowed down when she was being told to speed up. Emma frets that all the dry ice makes it impossible to see where the steps are, so they're just going to have to guess. She and Letitia have a giggle about this backstage. I realise that they're hardly the two most exciting people in the competition, but it is quite nice to have a final two who genuinely seem to like each other.

Hans asks Warren for his first impression, and Warren practically sings "I love them!" Hans thinks Emma is great when she stops, but when she's walking, "you can't see it in her eyes". Letitia gave more later one, but it took a while to get her warmed up. I think we could've all predicted that outcome before they even arrived.

Make-up! More interviews along the lines of "I can't believe I made it this far". Letitia thinks they've both had interesting journeys, and when one's up, the other is usually down. Emma remembers how they've always been directly compared because of their looks. Letitia thinks it's all going to come down to the catwalk. With one hour to go before the show, people are arriving. Letitia is having trouble fitting into her dress, because boobs. Also, they spelt her name "Leticia" on the clothes rails. Last minute alterations are made, and the judges arrive. Whitney looks like she's dressed for a junior school disco; you think she'd have made a bit more of an effort. Elle thinks it'll be interesting to see how the audience respond to "our girls". It's a fashion show: the audience will respond to everything with studied indifference, surely?

The judges get a round of applause as they enter and take their seats (because this is definitely a real fashion now and not at all one that only exists for the purposes of this programme) and then the show begins. Emma enters, and has mastered a snooty Erin O'Connor look for the end of the catwalk. Letitia then follows, and her dress accentuates her chest to a terrifying degree. She looks rather rigid, I think. Backstage, Emma gets changed but is pleased the judges were cheering. Letitia frets that she tripped over a little bit, but she's got two more goes to get it right. Letitia takes her second turn on the catwalk and is a little but inelegant descending the stairs, and is saddled with a rather cheap-looking gold dress. Then Emma goes again in a rather nicer dress, but her walk is pretty stiff this time. Letitia gets changed backstage and is filmed pretty much naked with her hands over her norks. Classy! The same happens to Emma. It's time for the finale, in which they're wearing gowns and walking arm-in-arm with a male model. Letitia arrives first, and it appears that Emma is late because her partner is just stood there with his arm outstretched, looking a bit awkward. Someone is trying to attach some sort of bracelet to Emma until she realises she's meant to be onstage, swears, and runs on, with Jeffrey telling whoever-it-is just to leave the bracelet, or whatever it was. (I'm so informative.) As much as Emma's poor partner was made to look a bit daft, it sort of works in Emma's favour because all eyes on on her as she appears, so she gets to make a pretty impactful entrance. They walk alongside each other, and they both look pretty good, so it's a hard one to call. The judges give them a standing ovation, and Whitney declares herself "so impressed".

Final commercials. More chocolate and make-up.

When we return, the catwalk show is over, and Voice of Fearne informs us that there is a long wait in store for Letitia and Emma as the judges decide which of them will become BintModel. The judges stand on the catwalk, and Elle says it's difficult to know who their winner is, so they'll have to look over their body of work. I love how she pretends this is a spontaneous decision based on both girls being equally good, rather than something that happens at the end of every cycle across the franchise. Emma is first, and her first shot in Dubai gets rave reviews, with Elle thinking she looks like a young Brooke Shields. Also singled out for praise are her prison picture, and the everyone-wears-the-same-dress one in the launderette, where she received picture of the week. However, Whitney wasn't particularly fond of that one. Then we look at Niagara Falls, where Tyson criticises her lack of extension, but thinks it's a good shot. Finally, the horse shoot on the beach. Julien thinks she's totally professional, and came alive on the shoot. Elle thinks Emma has a model's body, so clothes always look great on her. They consider her work on the catwalk: Elle liked her confidence, and Julien thinks she made the dresses look expensive and desirable. Tyson thinks she owned it at the beginning, but lost it towards the end. Elle says that Emma looks and works like a Top Model, but is she a BintModel? Emma interviews that she's worked so hard, and wants the rest of her life to be like this.

Then we look over Letitia's portfolio. I'm not a big fan of her Dubai picture where she looks kind of angry, but Elle thinks her strength in the picture is impressive. Her jail shoot was too sexy, according to Whitney, but beautiful. Julien thinks she looks like a pop star, but that's what Elle loves about her. In the same-dress shoot, Julien thinks that sometimes she makes things look cheap, but Tyson has no problems with it. He also loved her Niagara Falls picture, but Elle thinks occasionally she's let down by her lack of experience. Finally, the horse on the beach shot, where historical revisionism now declares the Letitia was definitely the strongest in this shoot and needing "a little coercing", as opposed to the opinion at the time where Emma got first call out and everyone thought Letitia was exhausting to work with because she needed so much direction. I mean, it's not like I'm Team Emma or anything (Team Lisa always and forever), but it does feel a little bit like they're squeezing the facts to suit the narrative for a Letitia win here. Julien thinks she looks dark and sultry and romantic and tells a million stories. On the catwalk, she was all bust and minced along like the catwalk like a Hollywood superstar. Julien thinks Emma was like a catwalk model, while Letitia was like a glamour model. "Or! Letitia was like a supermodel," counters Elle. Julien pulls a face. Letitia interviews that she's ready for this, and she knows that the judges can see that in her.

Julien thinks that Emma has the full package, which the others disagree with. "Guys, you don't have to talk to be a model, you just have to look good," Julien says, correctly. The others are all temporarily possessed by Tyra Banks, who is appalled at Julien for going off-message and destroying nine years of carefully-honed bullshit and forces them all to say that you definitely need to talk to be a Top Model. Tyson thinks this is playing into the stereotype of models being dumb - which it isn't, because being quiet doesn't mean being stupid. Frequently, it means precisely the opposite. Whitney protests that Elle or Tyson would never have Made It To Where They Are Today if they didn't have "something up in here", and she doesn't mean their well-honed chests. Elle goes on about having star quality, and that energy that "comes from behind inside your heart, inside your soul" and that makes you a superstar, while the way you look is "just the means of transport". Sure, Elle. Whatever lets you sleep at night. Whitney thinks Letitia had "some pretty pictures" - but does she have the potential to do more. Elle thinks they need to take some time out before she knocks Julien's block off. Sorry, they need some time out to truly reflect on their decision.

An unspecified amount of time later, Emma and Letitia return in their mermaid gowns from the finale. Elle tells them they look beautiful, and they've been fantastic contestants, and that the winner's picture will be shown in ten seconds on the screen next to them. And the winner is...Letitia! Emma applauds for her politely. I realise a lot of people were unhappy with this outcome, and I'm not a huge fan of Letitia either, but it becomes much more pleasing when you think about just how furious Bloody Anita must have been when she found out. Fake snow falls on the catwalk, and Letitia cries (shocker) and hugs Elle. A slightly tearful Emma interviews that it would've been nice to win, but she'll have to settle for being second-best. She's gutted, but it's been an incredible experience and vows to go out there and find herself an agent. We see her portfolio scroll past, and it's pretty nice.

Letitia is overcome, and impressed that these "supermodels and amazing designers" think she has the potential to have a great career. The judges congratulate themselves on their excellent decision making, while Elle muses that Letitia will form her own path in the industry and they "broke the mould" by choosing her. Letitia celebrates being BintModel, and we see her back in London going to see her family, intercut with her highlights from the series. She tells them that she is BintModel, and they're all thrilled. Letitia's mum cries. Well, the apple didn't fall far from that tree.

Next week: a where-are-they-now show telling us what happened to everyone from the first seven cycles, which is curiously not trailed by the continuity announcer. Perhaps nothing happened to them. Anyway, we'll find out with Helen next week, and I'll see you next year if we decide we can put ourselves through this all again.