Thursday, 25 August 2011

Britain's Next Top T4 Presenter

Top 9: 22nd August 2011

Previously on BINT-MODEL : the birds played around with some birds (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!); Amy copped off with one of Charley's boys, which enraged Charley so he murdered the poor boy down a back-alley after the poor boy did a rousing rendition of "Oom-Pah-Pah" ; Anastasija and Tanya got into a cat-fight over whether Anastasija was in fact lower than dirt (Tanya thought "yes", Anastasija thought "no") ; Spoonface Hannah left the competition despite taking a not-awful picture. She was kind of boring though. Which is the main thing, especially after Queen Of My Heart Ufuoma was booted the week before FOR NO REASON.

Credits : I think BINT-MODEL is one of the few franchises not to update the credits post-makeover. You can kind of see why though. Also it'd be very difficult to get the exact quantity of '99 strawberry sauce in Anastasija's hair right for each passing episode.

As the xx yoink their strings mournfully over the soundtrack,[The xx should do more soundtrack work. WE CLEARLY DON'T HEAR THEM ENOUGH *cough* - Helen] we open on Amy interviewing that she was just in the Bottom 2 not one episode ago. Poor Amy. She promises that, despite this, she is not going to give up or cry. If she was doing that she'd have done it when Julien dumped the contents of a hoover-bag out, fashioned it into a weave, dumped it on Amy's head, and proclaimed her his GOBLIN QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEN. [She reminds me of the babe, etc. - Helen]

Screw that misery though, here are the happy parping trumpets of The Promise by Girls Aloud and...Emma Willis (woo...) is at the door of the BINTMansion. Imogen opens the door and gasps at the excitement. Jade tells us in interview that all the girls were "just chilling" in the front room when Emma Willis popped into their lives and changed everything forever. Of course the girls are "just chilling" as all girls "just chill" - wedged formally into the living room sofas with their shoes on, 5 to a couch, all facing towards a natural camera point. They have at least gone for the realism of the Axis being off in their own corner and Tanya stuck on her own off on the other side of the room. They sadly aren't "accidentally" throwing flumps at one another across the table.

Jade continues declaring her love for Emma Willis in interview ; Juste can't even get her name out without having to be cue-carded off camera. Either that or she's just not used to her being married to him out of Busted yet. Emma...Willis?

Anyway, Emma is here to tell the girls that these days, because of shows like this one, where clapped out old clothes-horses like Elle McPherson and Lisa Snowdon and Tyra Banks hunt for fresh blood (and organs) for the industry, models have to be tv-savvy, so they can jump off and be a tv presenter asap. And they're going to test that tv-savviness by making them remember a big list of bands they are allowed to like and not like. The ones they don't like they make hilarious ironic and cutting statements about. The ones they do like, they make hilarious ironic and cutting statements about, then give the lead-singer a surreptitious handjob in the Channel 4 car-park. AND NOW YOU'RE A T4 PRESENTER. BRING A BOATER AND AN IRONIC CRAVAT!

Not really, they're going to be interviewing The Wanted. Except they're not going to be told that now - they're just going to be teased with the idea that they'll be interrogating "famous people" and driven to a mystery location, on tenterhooks that it might be someone good that they're getting to talk to. Maybe JEDWARD! Tanya says that she's really nervous, but Anastasija is raring to go, and knocking back Red Bull at a rate of knots, saying she always wanted to know how she'd be as a tv presenter. To be honest, I'd watch Axis TV over T4 any day. ("Next up : Friends. That fat bitch Rachel and the blond moron do a fight over a Pottery Barn and shit. PLAY IT QUIET, I AM TRYING TO BE SLEEPING!")

Once at the mystery location (a recording studio, because, you know, The Wanted just can't TEAR themselves away), Emma introduces the mystery celebs...THE WANTED. The girls all cheer and clap, and the variously-shaped headed ones enter. This set-up I feel mimics just how much research goes into your typical T4 interview.

Personally, I don't mind The Wanted. I like a good variety of head-shapes in a boy band. Too many boy-bands think they can just get away with round heads, but these days, you really need to be bringing more variety to the table.

Anyway, Tanya says that it was only 2 months ago that she last heard a The Wanted record (*envy*) and now here they are in front of her! Amy on the other hand doesn't have a clue who they are. She thinks they're a band. Almost right, Amy. Emma meanwhile briefs the band on the girls mental state - some of them are excited, and some of them are nervous. Thanks Emma! At this noise, Triangle Wanted cackles that they're going to make those nerves so much worse, mwahahahaha! Yes, apparently The Wanted are going to act like unprofessional grumpy dick-heads throughout the interview, to really test the girls. It's not a knock specifically on The Wanted so much as all modern pop stars but...if he hadn't have told me, I wouldn't have guessed. Square Wanted tells the audience not to judge them on these interviews, because they're just being pretend-wankers for a tv show. Yeah, that'll stick.

Jessica is up first to be ushered into The Wanted's inner-sanctum, with Emma listening in from next door in giant headphones like she's in Bletchley Park in the 20s. Jessica goes for a handshake, but Trapezoid Wanted denies her. So she forces him. Amazing. She then says that she's heard that one of them used to be a model, so who was it? They all hilariously raise their hands, and collapse giggling. Eh, did you see the male models last week, boys? It's feasible. Jessica then dissolves into "either/or" questioning, starting strongly with "Chocolate or Vanilla?", then progressing to "Lemon or Cheese?" Chocolate and Lemon win, because Rectangle Wanted is allergic to cheese (MAYBE, OR MAYBE HE'S JUST BEING AWKWARD WHO KNOWS, WHAT A RUDE WANKER, MAYBE PRETENDING TO BE ALLERGIC TO CHEESE EH?). Sadly we never find out who takes the final down (GO LEMON!) because Jessica just walks off giggling.

I don't know what it says about me, but she was my favourite by a mile. I think it's the first time I've really liked her. LEMON OR CHEESE! [I can see Lemon Or Cheese? becoming a full-fledged Channel 5 gameshow in a matter of weeks. If they get Jessica in to host it, it'd probably be more watchable than BintModel. - Steve] The boys collapse laughing at how awful they all were, but Jessica just interviews to the effect of "boys eh?".

Tanya is next, and proclaims her hands to be going clammy. Oh the glamour. She's kind of dry - asking them standard "what would you be doing if you weren't in a band?" questions and looking a bit sad at the lack of witty banter she's getting back. Triangle Wanted would be a bin-man. Rectangle Wanted would be a model. The excitement. Imogen and Juste similarly screw up - asking a bunch of open-ended essay questions and getting "yes/no/I don't know" responses. How exciting. Why did they not use Janice for this challenge? Stacey is a giant mush-mouth and Holly just tries to cop off with The Wanted in lieu of interviewing them. I feel like Holly is just trying to work her obviously dwindling time on the show for whatever she can get out of it. As Holly and Juste walk out, both times Triangle Wanted basically wolf-whistles at their arses as they leave. Juste is very excited by this. We don't see Holly's response. I think she was aiming for Oval Wanted.

Amy is next, and opens the interview by calling them "The Wanting". Oooh BURN. Sadly this is just a slip of the tongue, not Amy being a secret sarcy agent on behalf of goth music. I don't think. She interviews again, that she has no idea who The Wanted are, and she shows this in the interview with themwhen, when faced with the question "do you like our music?" she replies "to be honest, I've not actually heard it" (*envy*). [And yet still manages to sound like less of a dick than any T4 presenter you'd care to name. - Steve] Oval Wanted looks pissed-off, Square Wanted looks baffled, Rectangle Wanted is pulling *awkward!* face, Triangle Wanted looks sympathetic yet annoyed, and Trapezoid Wanted looks like he's stifling giggles as hard as he can. I think Trapezoid Wanted is my favourite. Amy dries, and is finished.

Anastasija is next up, and just...turns the whole interview into an impromptu drama workshop. She gets the boys to do lunges, and pull a funny face. She tells them that these funny faces are really good for exercising your muscles , but I think she's just taking the piss. The signs of life this provokes in the boys (mostly in their trousers as she starts doing lunges in front of them) prompts Emma Willis to proclaim that she LOVES Anastasija. Well she thinks you're a fake push-pop bitch Emma Willis, so sit down.

Oval Wanted decides to stir the pot by asking Anastasija if any of the models are backstabbing bitches. She replies that yes, Tanya is a fake backstabbing bitch. Well, you have to admire her honesty if nothing else. Emma and The Wanted are both impressed with her candor, and Emma Willis in particular says she wishes her first interview had gone like that. Yes, all those repressed thoughts about Caroline Flack wouldn't have given her that ulcer then.

Jade is last, interviewing that she's not nervous at all, and she turns out to be fairly "charming" in a kind of flat and predictable way. You wouldn't really notice her if she was presenting anything you were watching, but, to be fair, it's not as though she's Zezi'ing it up either. [I love that "to Zezi" is now a verb in its own right. It's almost as good as when Katie Weasel developed the verb "to Beyoncé" on X Factor last year. - Steve] Emma is impressed. She would be. The Wanted cackle amongst themselves about how awful they were, but they think she handled them really well. Eh. It's was hardly Meg Ryan on Parkinson. [Or Kerry Katona on This Morning. Imagine if they'd got Katona in for this task. That would've been fun. - Steve]

Challenge Results time, and Emma Willis calls The Wanted in to see the girls, so they can announce for the fiftieth time this episode that that was all JUST PRETEND. Ugh, nobody cares. So needy. Own your bitch-ass-ness The Wanted. Imogen (really? over Lemon or Cheese?) and Jade are told by Emma that they were really good and really natural, but the winner is...Anastasija! She does get chided for cussing out Tanya, and told that if that happened in a real interview, it'd be all over the tabloids, displacing all the stories about The Wanted that she would otherwise have created, THUS DEFEATING THE POINT OF THE INTERVIEW. Oh jog on would it Emma Willis. Tanya whines in an interview about Anastasija bringing up their mutual loathing to The Wanted. Yes Tanya, that was much more cringeworthy than whatever line of insipid "what inspires you?" questioning you were spewing out. Tanya also doesn't clap as Anastasija is announced as the winner. Jesus wept.

The prize is to go on an evening out with the last three winners of BINT-MODEL. Anastasija opens her jaw wide enough to fit in all of The Wanted at once, and Jade looks moritifed. OK... I've only watched the last series, so were the two winners before that Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss? (*looks up on wikipedia*). Yeah, turns out not. Still, I'm excited to see TIFFNUH again. Anastasija is told she's allowed to bring two friends along, as long as they behave. Hmmm...I wonder who she'll pick. Yes it's Juste. Oh and Stacey, on the grounds that she lost her friend in the last elimination. Hannah and Stacey were friends? Imagine the thrilling conversations!

Jade and Tanya both call Anastasija unprofessional in interview some more, like this is a massive thing they've just noticed now. Blah blah blah. Anastasija calls them jealous. Well, not specifically, because she isn't being shown their interviews. She could be talking about anyone else, at any time, about anything. JELUS BIT-CHEZ!

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After another dose of Martine McCutcheon's Boring Yoghurt, we return to see the Axis + Stacey (I hope they make her do a bad Slovak accent and make her ONE OF THEM) getting ready for their big night out. Jade and Jessica remind us in interview what the prize was, and Jessica says that they're all jealous, because anybody would be really excited to win this glittering prize. Erm...I wouldn't. Actually that's a lie, but only for TIFFNUH. Anastasija continues to laugh it up in interview about how everyone else is a JELL-US BITCH, whilst looks like Imogen has been crying a little over this missed opportunity to talk to (*looks it up*) Mecia. [Shoulda been Jade. Not that I'm bitter or anything. I'm very bitter, actually. There's a rant here that I'm not going to get into - Helen]

Anyway, evening out time, as the Mutyabators (as they have been now forcibly and legally renamed) sing "Here Come The Girls!". Juste and Anastasija forcefully stomp into the club in their best casual attire, and Stacey bobbles along meekly in their wake like an anorexic tugboat ghost. Juste tells us all the the last three winners of BINT-MODEL are called Alex, Mecia, and TIFFNUH, and indeed, those three women are sat by the bar waiting for them. They all toast with champagne. Sadly, the Axis do not say "TO EVIL!" *clink* as they do so.

Alex talks to Juste, and asks her if she's enjoying herself. Juste says yes. There is a small group of bitchy nasty girls who sit in the corner and gossip behind their hands, but she and Anastasija still enjoy themselves. Erm...Juste, that IS you and Anastasija. Stacey meanwhile sits there clasping and looking like a 12 year old girl at her first school prizegiving. Then TIFFNUH speaks:

Anastasija : Yes Tiffany, I like chips too! Not too many though ho ho! A girl has to watch her figure!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Amy and Jessica bake cakes, and wonder aloud if Anastasija will share any of the tips she "garners" (bless Jessica and her actual existing vocabulary) from their meeting with Alex, Mecia and TIFFNUH. I'm guessing not. The cakes look rank as well.

Back in Glamour Bar, Juste asks all three girls what the biggest thing they achieved as a model was. Ha! Even when she's in the company of this pantheon of legends, Juste can't help being a bitch. Your careers are OVER winners. Especially in the face of the Axis. Alex says that she modelled clothes for Victoria Beckham, and Mecia says...that it's really important to make contacts.

So she's done nothing then.

Juste : An Oscar?! WOW! AND you're married to George Clooney!

Stacey asks all three how they coped in the house, and if they ever found it difficult to the extent that they would just sit in the corner just hoping nobody would notice them and cry and cry and cry and cry... Alex tells them all not to be fake and just to be themselves, Mecia says to keep practicing and they will succeed.

Stacey : What? I'm the winner of Britain And Ireland And The Isle Of Man And The Channel Islands And Those Fiddly Bits Around Scotland And Probably...Oooh I Don't Know Argentina's Next Top Model?! WHAT A WAY TO ANNOUNCE IT! I want to thank my mum, my PE teacher, my poor dead friend Spoonface Hannah, God...

Anyway, feedback time. Juste really enjoyed the whole night, TUFFNUH thinks that all 3 contestant-girls have lots of potential, Mecia says that Anastasija certainly had a lot to say, and Alex proclaims Juste to be her favourite for her look, and Anastasija for her personality. Nobody cares about Stacey. (*surprise*).

This exciting prize over with, the Axis + Tagalong Stace return back to find...all the girls in bed? Anastasija is appalled that anybody would go to bed at only 10pm. This is...not really what she was saying last week. Juste snots "early evening?" at them all as she walks in. I love that the Axis are acting like everyone else is the loser when they're returning from a night out before Newsnight has even started. Imogen interviews that Juste and Anastasija were really "quiet" when they returned, which it turns out is a really diplomatic way of saying "they hung around pulling smug faces until we asked them how it went, then they swanned off giggling to eat the cakes we spent the evening baking". Anastasija compounds this by interviewing that the girls were STUPID for thinking she would ever tell them all the modelling secrets they learned from TIFFNUH. Anastasija, Juste, and The Other One are keeping the secret of DUH YUH HUHR NUHCE! to themselves thank you very much. [<3 TUFFNUH. - Steve]

Next day now, and dawn heralds the arrival of a brand new E-Mail. Stacey reads it out, and it's some bumf about needing grace and beauty and being able to stay on your toes. Does anyone actually listen to the E-Mails? As soon as it's done, the BINT-MODEL hair and make up crew swoop in to give Anastasija's hair another top up of unnatural colour, and to do minor upkeep on everyone else to prepare them for the shoot. Imogen grunts to a make-up technician that she really needs a good picture this week. Preferably the best one, after that one last week where her cheeks looked like the aftermath of a pit-prop collapse.

Holly interviews that she thinks the theme for this week's shoot may well be Black Swan related, because of all the heavy make-up (and's heavy. Make-up guns set to KILL). Also, all the paintings on the wall of the BINTMansion started to come to life, but that might just have been because Juste made coffee for all the non-Axis girls this morning. Hey floor, you're looking closer than usu...

Furthering Holly's suspicions, the girls are magically teleported to the Royal Opera House, where they do all the ballet. I wish this week's theme had turned out to be "Go Compare advert". All the girls file in, and Tanya announces that she's never been to the opera ever (*face of surprise*) but it's really beautiful in the Opera House. As the girls all take their seats, the true horror of Jade's hair is revealed. It looks like a Zombie Twiggy Hallowe'en wig. How is this meant to be a ballerina? Anyway...

Once the girls are seated, a male ballet dancer takes to the stage and starts "busting some moves" (thanks Jade). All the girls, particularly Juste who apparently "can't touch her toes" (except for Anastasija), are in awe at the shapes what he is throwing. Once done, he introduces himself as Edward Watson - Principal Dancer for the royal ballet, who dresses to the right. Well, I added that last bit for myself. Stacey's hideous hair-do is revealed at this bit. She looks like Toilet-Dunk Barbie.

Edward tells the girls that they're going to be posing in a ballet themed photoshoot with either him, or another principal dancer called Federico Bonelli. They will be using their bodies to encapsulate the elegance and grace required to be a ballet dancer. Yeah...good luck with that. He dispatches them to get into costume, as Amy grizzles in interview that looking beautiful is not her strongest suit. Which, given that she's made Top 9, has apparently not hindered her on this modelling show.

Stacey is first on set, and she gushes that her costume makes her feel like a white swan. Edward introduces her to the photographer, and talks Stacey through the shoot. To be honest, whilst I don't want the show to turn into the US version, where the girls can't take a dump without Mr J popping up to remind them to smize as they pull the chain, I don't think ballet dancers should be running a photoshoot over...even Grace. EVEN GRACE.

Anyway, things go well for Stacey, and the photographer tells her she looks beautiful. Hooray. I guess. To be honest, I don't know who I really want to win.

Jessica is up next, with Federico. I don't like how ballet-outfits for men seem to want to slice directly through the nipple. It's not aesthetically pleasing as much as anything else. Anyway, Jessica is worried that she's too heavy for Federico to hold up successfully, like ballet dancers aren't the REAL World's Strongest Men (take THAT Geoff Capes) and stumbles around utterly gracelessly. She jumps around stumpily, but the photographer seems ok with the whole thing, although she does think Jessica could have relaxed more. Jessica interviews that she think it went ok, but she did feel herself going blank.

Next up is Tanya, saying that she's never ever done ballet (* face of surprise*), so she was very nervous. Whatever Tanya, you're the only girl who walks around with this quantity of eye-liner on EVERY DAY, so it all balances out. The photographer loves her though. I think this photographer might have a lot to answer for, quality-control wise. She asks Tanya to twirl. Tanya twirls. It's not the best. She interviews that all the spinning made her dizzy. That and Juste's coffee anyway. Edward asks if she's feeling ok, and tells the photographer he was super-impressed with her natural ballet instincts. QUICK! SIGN HER UP FOR THE CORPS!

Amy's next, and already she's begging the other girls for tips. Particularly Jessica which...I wouldn't. Anyway, Jessica tries to teach Amy how to be graceful. Think on that one. Imogen and Holly don't just think on it though - they openly laugh in Amy's face. This causes Amy to...cry and give up. Oh opening VT Amy, how you lied. Imogen and Jade have a good bitch about how Amy is miserable and uncomfortable and crap and should just go home. Poor Amy. She then stomps into the photoshoot room looking like Noel Fielding as Kate Bush and does about as well as you'd expect. She's tense and moody and stilted. Even the super-happy photographer is a little pissy with her. And she likes EVERYONE. Once done, she grumps backstage, says it was really hard, then cries and gives up some more, as Jessica watches on, looking like this has happened too many times for her to remain interested in it beyond just looking at it.

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As we finish pondering just how classy and sensitive "Ladyboys" is going to be as a documentary, we return in medias Imogen, as she deadpans that she really thinks that you should just go into every shoot really excited and positive. Yeah do that next week when they try and do an underwater shoot on a Living TV budget. HAPPY DROWNING! The photographer tries to get her to jump, but it looks like someone doing the Thriller dance on a pogo stick. Of course this photographer is happy with it aside from Imogen's lack of facial expressions because...she just is, ok?

Juste is next, complaining about how she can't be expected to do well, because she's really unflexible and not very fit. I'm sure Tanya will give you a hand with bending yourself into whatever shapes you need Juste. And some you don't. With a steering-lock. The photographer asks her if she's ever done any dancing before, and Juste says she tried, but they kicked her out. Well if you WILL set fire to things Juste... The photographer again, seems fine with everything, even as Juste seems on the verge of coughing up a lung from about 4 minutes in.

Anyway, Juste walks back from the shoot, says hello, doesn't get the rapturous response she expects (because she's done so much to warrant one), and then throws a massive passive-aggressive strop about how no-one's paying any attention to her. She closes by glomping onto Anastasija and bugging her as her make-up is being attended to. Anastasija suffers in silence, for the sake of the Axis.

She's next up in the photoshoot, and the photographer directs her critically. Well...a bit. She tells her to stop smiling so much. But it's enough. Anastasija panics that all her hair is going in her face, and her leaps look a bit stumbly and awkward but otherwise it seems to go fine. Federico I think also dresses to the right. Two of them in one place. So rare. Once she's done, Anastasija says this was the hardest photo-shoot (WHAT? HARDER THAN DRINKING TEA?) and she thinks she did everything wrong. That photographer IS a hard task-master for sure.

Next up is Holly. she still here? I swear she'd already gone home. Anyway, Holly tells us that she did ballet when she was 5, and she can't really remember any of it. She really can't. Jade follows, and the photographer says that she LOVED Jade's dress. OK, that is the absolute limit. It looks like something the third backing dancer in a University production of Cabaret would wear. She asks Jade if she feel comfortable jumping in it, and Jade says that as long as they retouch the photos she'll be fine. Oh Jade, they only do that if they like y...oh wait. They do like Jade. Never mind. Anyway, she bounces up and down and her boobs fall out all over the place. Nobody says anything. You'd think they would.

Jade finishes, and goes backstage. People ask how she did, and she recounts the saga of her boobs, and how she'd come down from a leap to look down and find one "out there, just chillin'". Ok, that was funny. Stay frosty, Jade's boobs.

Shoot over, it's back to BINTMansion for dinner. As everyone tucks into nachos and Red Bull, Juste and Anastasija decide that now is the time to deal with just how unfair everyone has been to them since Anastasija won the challenge to meet TIFFNUH. Anastasija asks everyone why won't they talk to her? Why are they freezing she and Juste out? Are they in fact jealous bitches? Imogen replies that it's Anastasija and Juste shutting themselves off in their bunker, not the other way round, and Amy agrees. Juste huffs and recounts the HORROR of when she finished her photoshoot and said "HI GIRLS!" and nobody responded! We get a flashback so we can relive the atrocity in full nauseating colour. Anastasija nods at the side like a Pekinese, as Holly shovels more nachos into her gob, so over this dumb show.

Jessica says that she never even realised that Juste said anything to be blanked, and Jade decides to take the lead by pointing out that Anastasija used to be really fun, way back in this mystical time when she shared a room with Tanya and they had Chubby Bunny parties and whatever, but now she's CHANGED and just sits around bitching with Juste. What happened Anastasija, you used to be cool! Why aren't you cool any more? Anastasija protests that she is still cool and Holly lies that nobody has a problem with the Axis and mumbles more somethings about nothing. I think she's verging on pretending she's got some kids she misses so she can quit. In interview, Juste and Anatasija outline for the zillionth time about how they are amazing and everyone else sucks.

It's so sad that THIS is the only thing keeping the show interesting. THIS.

Another E-Mail now and Imogen reads it out. It mentions pirouetting out of the competition. Woo. Everyone packs up their big dumb suitcases, and Imogen interviews that she thinks Amy should go home, because everyone else, including her, wants it more. I don't think Holly does. Amy herself worries that all her shots were crap and she thinks the judges will slate her. Anastasija says she's not worried, because she won the interviewing challenge. Holly looks around for a pistol so she can shoot herself in the shin and desert.

Judging time (or "Judgment Day" as Fearne Rotton calls it in voiceover) now, and once more we get to see all the work that goes into making Grace Woodward presen...more presentable. Charley joshes with Julien about how he's much better looking than Julien is, whilst Grace pores over this week's photos. As does Julien. He thinks they're all rubbish. Hooray. This week's Special Guest Judge is famous designer Henry Holland. He looks like Jedward's dad as the lead in Postman Pat : The Musical. You are so lucky that Steve isn't recapping this week, because if he were, it'd be nothing but swears from here til the end. [I did try to look on the bright side. Just imagine what a pottymouth I'd have been if it was "Agyness Deyn". - Steve]

Intros done, Elle welcomes them all to her chamber, and reminds them that this week they were interviewers and they hit the dancefloor. WOAH Elle, that almost sounds like something interesting happened, slow down. She then runs us through all those many prizes again. Sadly "Mecia's contacts" aren't on the list, so I don't know how they expect any winner of this show to survive. To be fair, I wouldn't begrudge anyone not wanting to rummage around in the bottom of the bin for that fag-packet. It's probably got ketchup on it.

Juste starts, and they flash her picture up. It's crap. She looks like a failed concept for a Sam Sparro video. She at least pre-empts the judgement by acknowledging she looks rubbish. Julien tells her that unfortunately the combination of the theme, her body, and the new hairstyle...whoever it was gave her (sorry, I only remember the makeovers Julien did. Don't pretend you'd do any better) have all combined to make her looks like a boy in a dress. Elle and Henry on the other hand think it looks beautiful, especially her body. She does NOT look like a drag queen. High praise indeed. Actually, for this week, it is.

Jessica is next, and we relive "Lemon or Cheese?", the new craze sweeping the nation. Everyone acts like this is some sort of massive embarrassment, and not the amazingness that it is. They than flash her picture up. It's crap. She's got less man-face than last week, but she's gone cross-eyed, and she's not so much a ballerina as a municipal park flasher. Everyone jizzes themselves silly over it anyway, because it's Jessica.

Tanya's picture is next. It's crap. It looks like her face is being pushed into an invisible wall, and her facial expression reads pure "donate to the NSPCC and stop this girl's daddy touching her". Grace tells her that she's no Dancing Queen, and that her arm is perfect (?), but the rest just falls apart. Edward's arse is ridiculous.

Sorry, but I'm taking what I'm getting this week.

Next up is Jade. We relive her dull-as-dust interview. Her picture is beyond crap and out the other side. She looks like a dog. Which I mean literally, as opposed to figuratively. Her hair's in a little poodle pompodour and her lower lip is jutting out like a lapdog's and her eyes read "WAWWS SOSSIGIZ!". It doesn't help that Federico's looking at her like he thought she might be attractive from behind, but now he's seen up front... Julien calls it boring, and Henry tells her she looks uncomfortable. I'll say.

Imogen's picture is next. It's crap. She's mid-air and yet still looks like she's been run over by a Macc Truck. Also, her nipples covered up are more distracting than Jade's were on display. Elle picks on her body positioning in her upper half, which is really picking at the turd cherry on top of the dog-poo cake. Julien has apparently decided that he hates Imogen, as Julien does, and tells her she's plain in person, and barely scrapes by in photos. TOP 7 EVERYONE!

Holly follows, and I almost want to throw a party for how over it she is. Elle tells her that every week she turns up looking bored out of her mind. Holly does not refute this, and in fact tries her damndest to look even more bored. This works a treat, as Julien leaps out of his seat, capers towards her like a leprechaun, grabs at her arse and hair (?!), screams "SHAKE IT ABOUT! YOU'RE A TOP MODEL!...YOU KNOW!...COME ON!". This actually happened, and as far as I'm aware, there was no lawsuit. Holly continues to look as bored as possibly, although even she can't resist cracking a smile at this lunacy. They show her picture. It's crap. No, honestly. Stick your arm in the air. That's Holly's picture. Grace asks where the personality is, and Henry congratulates her on her double chin and Betty Driver face. Holly looks like she can barely remember to breathe.

(*advertisement break*)

After we finish wondering if Earth ever birthed two wankers as wanky as "Emma" and "Dex" from One Day, we're back into the judging with Amy's interview. It's crap. Next up is Amy's picture. It's also crap. It looks like Edward just spat in her face and she's feeling the cold unpleasant wet sensation of his dribble running down the gap between her boobs. Charley says it's frighteningly bad, Henry tells her there's no life in it, and Julien tells Amy that he's FED UP of always sticking up for her in these panels, then coming back next week to an even worse picture. They are on a break! (Axis TV : "This week the ugly one and Fat Rachel have fight over how the ugly one fuck some photocopier in the ass. Like that ever happen").

Anastasija is next to be judged. They play her challenge-winning interview, and everyone has a good giggle at how charming and likable she was. They then put her picture up. It's...not crap? It's a bit "Emma Bunton as Poltergeist in the Too Much video", but for this week I'll take it. The judges all agree that Anastasija is clearly the best in show this week, as the other girls seethe. Axis forever!

Stacey rounds out the judging session with her photo. It's crap. It looks like the entirety of the right side of her face is melting off, and she's crossing her legs like she needs a wee. Julien says that her top half is fine, but her legs are awful and she's made the dress look like a blob. Henry Holland says "there's no life" for about the fortieth time. Elle finishes by telling her that her personality sucks, and that she doesn't really stand out from the crowd. But...her photos are nice. she guesses.

Deliberation time now, but not before Elle tells everyone that this week is a Double Elimination week. Somehow that still doesn't feel like enough. MORE ELLE! KILL MORE OF THEM! Backstage, Amy, Jade and Holly all agree that their photos sucked. Holly looks kind of pleased with this turn of events. Anyway... DELIBERATIONS!

Juste : Henry likes it, Julien thinks she's not versatile enough, Elle thinks she's versatile but too lazy to really show it, Charley thinks she's "really wide", but has to stay based on this shot.

Tanya : Charley thinks she's had better shots but was out of her comfort zone, Grace thinks she's too stiff, and Henry says she's not a model and he wouldn't book her.

Jessica : Everyone agrees it's an amazing picture, just like Jessica does every week, in some version of the show I apparently don't watch, but Henry thinks she's disappointing in person. Isn't this...the exact opposite of her week 1 storyline? To be fair, I only remember that because I recapped it, so I can't imagine anyone else would.

Jade : Everyone breaks down laughing at how awful it is

Imogen : Grace calls her a man in drag, Elle disagrees, Henry thinks she looks like a middle-aged librarian, and Julien says that she's really boring. Why not grab her tit and tell her SHE'S ALIVE Julien? That should sort it. Charley thinks there are worse girls still in the competition.

Holly : Charley takes a leaf from my crit book and calls her crap, Elle says she wants to be on a shoot with her to get her energised (nah Elle, just let a frogman run the next shoot, it'll be FINE), Julien points out that The Wanted all wanted to do her, but Henry points out that being actually sexually attractive to men is nothing to do with being a model.

Amy : Grace calls her the Corpse Bride, Julien says she has a pirate arm, Elle questions how much more she can do on the show.

Anastasija : Julien praises her professionalism (?!?!?!) and says she always carries herself like a model, Charley is still stuck on how she only has one facial expression.

Stacey : Elle thinks she has a gorgeous face but no personality, Grace suddenly has decided she doesn't care about personality any more, Henry says that she looks dull in photos as well as in person.

ELIMINATION TIME! Good luck doing a call-out order this week beyond putting Anastasija first. Anyway, call-out order ends up being :


Leaving our bottom 3 as Amy, Holly and Jade. Well this is an anti-climax. Like they're letting Jade go anywhere. They probably only sandbagged her like they did on that shoot to make her inevitable victory less deadeningly predictable (NB : I thought the same about Charlotte last series, pay no attention to me). And indeed, Jade is safe.

Holly doesn't look like she really cares but Amy...cries and gives up. And cries a LOT, so her mascara flees all over her face like an inky spider-web. At least she went out witchy I guess. I wish she'd survived til next week's underwater shoot, just to see if she really would have floated. Holly interviews about how this was the greatest experience she's ever had, she's so proud to have got so far, this isn't the last you've heard of Holly blah blah blah CAN SHE GO NOW?

I know how she feels.

Next week : DROWNING!

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Birds of prey

Top 11: 15th August 2011

Previously on BintModel: makeovers! Julien, in his increasing lunacy decided it would be a good idea to give Anastasija pink hair, while Charley in his increasing disinterest decided it would be a good idea to do literally nothing to Ufuoma, and she was subsequently sent home. Also: Elle lectured Anastasija on the importance of finding the right balance of nakedness and Chipmunk gave them a private performance. I'm surprised he agreed to do that, but I guess now the show has Murdoch Money behind it, they can afford a bit more money for the purchasing of souls.

Coming up tonight: feathers are flying and the claws come out, and then after Tanya and Anastasija have finished arguing, the girls will be going on a falconry-themed shoot. Also, Alek Wek watches Juste fall over repeatedly, and Amy gets off with someone much to the disgust of Anastasija, who is both a bitch and a puritan. I am so grateful for Anastasija, because in a series of disappointments, she is the gift that keeps on giving. I hope she wins.

Titles. Seriously, these are just the actual worst things I have ever seen. You can actually see the confusion in the girls' eyes, especially Holly. The only people who even come close to actually looking like they have any presence are Hannah and Imogen, and even then it's a bit of a stretch.

We begin with Stacey whining about how it wasn't a nice feeling to be in the bottom two with Ufuoma, because she's a "big character" in the house, as opposed to Stacey, who is so criminally tedious that she keeps turning invisible amongst the strip lights and magnolia walls of the holding room. Fortunately we don't dwell on Stacey too long, because Elle appears, wearing a sensible turtleneck (so the girls have clearly been sat there twiddling their thumbs for ages while she went off to get changed) and saying she's very proud of everyone. Except that useless cow Ufuoma, obviously. (I'm speaking in character as Elle here, just to clarify. Love you, Ufuoma! Call me!) Elle tells the girls she's very glad they've all got their bags, and asks if they know why? They don't, of course, because they're mostly idiots. Sadly, instead of announcing that she's sending everyone home and cancelling the rest of the series, Elle instead informs the girls that they're all off to the airport, because they're working in Ireland tomorrow. SCREAM! IRELAND! THAT'S WHERE LOUIS WALSH LIVES!

The girls are taken to the airport and board a plane; while some of them celebrate with cheapo inflight booze, an unimpressed-looking Anastasija dons a sleep mask and grabs 40 winks. The plane lands in darkness, but suddenly it's broad daylight and we're at a lovely-looking country hotel with soft lilting Irishy music playing in the background. The models wander up the gravel path, and are greeted by Yvonne Keating, who seems to have some sort of hold over this show.[It's almost as if one of them slept with someone...oh. - Helen] Jade describes Yvonne as "looking beautiful", even though she kind of looks like she's auditioning to play the mum from My Parents Are Aliens. Because this show considers its audience to be a bunch of dribbling simpletons, Hannah informs us that Yvonne Keating is Ronan Keating's wife (because that's far more important to her role on this show than the fact that she is a PROFESSIONAL MODEL. I mean, I know the very existence of this entire series is one giant failure for feminism, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST) and we get a flashback of Elle meeting them at the auditions, just in case we're deaf as well as thick.

Yvonne (who is actually credited as "Yvonne Keating, model" in this shot, but the damage is already done, thank you very much) welcomes the girls to Carton House, and tells them that Elle has asked her to look after them, because apparently not one of this show's four judges could make it along to supervise this task. She tells them that a top model must embrace her surroundings and show versatility, then holds out her arm and a...falcon? Hawk? I dunno, some sort of bird of prey lands on her arm. This is quite distressing for Hannah, who admits she's afraid of pigeons. Yvonne tells them this is a good time to overcome their fears, and introduces their top photographer for the week, Barry McCall, and sends them off to get made up. Yvonne reminds us unnecessarily that the big thing today is the birds, and trying not to get distracted by them. Thanks Yvonne, but I think we all got that as soon as the bird appeared.

Juste is the first to be photographed, and is wearing a bizarre headpiece that gives her two giant blue antlers, basically. Actually, the styling on this shoot is pretty awesome: it's all sort of steampunk regency stuff, if that's an actual thing, which it probably isn't. (It's not - Chris) Juste is instructed to position herself on the stairs, which worries her because she thinks it won't give her much room to move. The bird doesn't like Juste much and starts flapping, so Juste leans far back and pulls a variety of comedy faces. Yvonne tells her that even though it's scary when the bird does that, it looks good, so Juste just has to get over it. Juste eventually gets over her ornithophobia and learns to be fierce. Yvonne's impressed that Juste managed to put her fears aside as soon as the photographer started shooting. Outside, Juste starts telling Hannah all sorts of bird-themed horror stories about being whacked in the face with the wings, just to enhance Hannah's Tippi Hedren complex.

Holly's in next, posing on a seat in the middle of the room, and via confessional she relates that she was holding the bird quite close to her, and it looked like it was about to fly away, but it didn't - it just pooed on her dress. Everyone's a critic, I guess. "It just missed Yvonne," Holly tells us. Meanwhile, the bird is thinking "well, one out of two's not bad. I've got plenty of time to get the redhead later." Holly points out that this was a bit of a problem for the stylist, as this dress cost around £5,000. We see some poor woman wiping up the birdshit from Holly's dress with some tissues. So much for the glamour of high fashion. (Tyra would have booted Holly for that. As a MODEL it is your JOB to protect the PRODUCT - Chris) Having been de-pooped, Holly admits that she needed a lot of direction to begin with, and Yvonne tells her that she needs to give much more attitude. Barry keeps yelling "stronger! Stonger! A bit more!" at her, which isn't a good sign.

Next is Anastasija, who says she wasn't scared at all. Of course not. In Soviet Russia, birds fear you! Anastasija poses haughtily with the bird, and looks fabulous. The bird starts nibbling at her fingers, and she doesn't even flinch. Peculiarly, Barry stops taking pictures at this point to check that Anastasija is fine (she is, obviously) and yet the soundtrack still has continues shutter noises. Who is taking all these pictures? It's not Barry. Yvonne and Barry marvel at Anastasija's professionalism. Anastasija interviews: "I just said to myself, it's nothing, it's not a tiger, it's not going to eat you all!" Indeed. [*remembers Jade ANTM kissng that beetle that time* - Helen]

Boring Stacey is next. She's dressed all in black with a black feathery fascinator, giving her the look of Narcissa Malfoy. She appears to be doing a good job, though, and takes direction well. Yvonne is impressed by how her face pops out - not literally, I hope. Hannah and Jade are watching, as are Juste and Jessica, and afterwards Jade tells Stacey that she looked amazing. Stacey replies that she felt so confident compared to the last shoot.

Jessica's next, and her set is insane: she's perched on a plinth in an alcove with a pile of logs beneath her, and a smoke machine firing over them. I can't quite decide if this is an advantage or a handicap, but it does seem to be a significantly more elaborate set-up than anyone else gets. Jessica says that she liked her shoot, and she was very strong and moody in it. She's kind of clenching her teeth a lot though. Juste, who appears to just be around watching everybody else all day (girlfriend really needs to take up knitting), can't help noticing there's a lot going on in Jessica's shoot. Jessica exits her shoot with good feedback from Yvonne and Barry, but is cornered outside by the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil. I bet this is why the producers schedule them in for the early slots of the shoot, because it gives them all day to just hang around playing mind games with their competitors. Incidentally, Anastasija's hair (which is leftover from her shoot styling) basically looks like a candyfloss penis. Anyway, Jessica explains that the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil gave her really awful feedback. Why on earth she's listening to either of them, I don't know, but the Top Model House's very own bloodthirsty hawks tell her that she should have done more in the shoot because the bird was just sitting there. Jessica's self-esteem crumbles, and the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil congratulates itself on a job well done. [I can't believe they showed Juste smoking, by the way. Chain Smoking. - Helen]

Jade arrives for her shoot, interviewing that she felt fine and confident on her arrival. She too has a smoke machine. She's trembling a little bit as the handler places the bird on her shoulder. Jade interviews that she just tried to focus on her face and forget about the bird. Barry and Yvonne seem happy with the results. Hannah is next, and is not exactly thrilled to discover that the bird has to fly in and land on her arm for her shoot. She seems to be coping reasonably well; Yvonne tells her not to flinch, and Hannah adopts the Jade tactic of just staring straight ahead and ignoring the bird entirely (Which was also my tactic on dates as a teenager - Chris). She is, however, planting her chin somewhere in the middle of her oesophagus, which doesn't escape Yvonne's notice. Yvonne tells Barry that there are always some girls who don't deliver (uh oh) and Hannah clearly just froze when the bird was brought in.

Imogen's next, and interviews that the bird didn't like her. It might not be you, Imogen, it might be the fact that the bird knew they were going to soundtrack this section with OLLY FUCKING MURS and threw a tantrum accordingly. Imogen's pretty good in the face of adversity and doesn't seem too put out by the bird acting up, although she's looking very pale, and not in a good way. Barry thinks he's got the shot, however. Imogen wanders off-set afterwards and tells Jade and Holly (apparently the Eastern Europen Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil saw no profit in trying to mess with Imogen's mind - draw your own conclusions) that the probably was that it was a female bird, and that a male bird would've liked her. This is true: females are entirely incapable of working together in a professional capacity, anyone who watches The X Factor knows that.

Witchy Amy is up next, saying that she's been hoping for an editorial shoot every week, but every week so far (of the two whole weeks that they've done), it's been a natural beauty sort of shoot. She says that she really wanted to impress the judges and show them she can work a different style of shoot. Tanya's after her, and just about everyone turns up to watch this one (Juste is smoking a cigarette and scowling ♥). Barry instructs Tanya to lift the bird up, which she appears to be struggling with. Yvonne asks if her arm is sore, and Tanya nods. Jade interviews that throughout the shoot, the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil were bitching about Tanya and calling her fake. Anastasija backs this up in an interview: "The more I'm watching her, the more I realise that she's really fake." Juste (whose dark crop is totally working for her, by the way - she looks like a really hot man) bitches to Imogen that "she's so not cool with us and then she pretends in front of the judges, you know, it confuses everyone, and then she wins. It's so unfair." Imogen agrees that "she's extremely good at being fake." After the shoot, Yvonne admits that she's disappointed in Tanya. Tanya goes over to the girls, and Juste asks her snottily if she thinks she'll have the best picture this week. Tanya says that she hopes she will. Juste bitchterviews that she doesn't like Tanya, because she always says that she's the best. I'm no Tanya apologist, but what exactly should she have said in that situation? Back on the scene, Juste tells Tanya "from the other girls what I've seen, it's not going to be the best picture." Tanya interviews that there is tension, and that the other girls might perceive her as a threat. It's odd that they're bitching about her being the best "again" - didn't Jessica get first call out last week anyway?

After the commercials, we're back at Model Mansion. Imogen interviews that they got back from Ireland and had a chillout day. Not for long, however, as we see Charley pull up outside in a posh car carrying champagne. Inside, the doorbell rings and Imogen rushes to answer it. Brilliantly, I'd swear there's at least a two second pause after Imogen opens the door before she even works out who he is. Charley comes in to speak to them all, and they make some smalltalk about Ireland. Charley asks if he'll be impressed with all of them, and Hannah tells him that they think they've all done their personal best, but it's hard to tell how that will compare to everyone else. Charley says that the quality level is up there, and they're getting good shots. He then awkwardly segues into the fact that he's invited some of his "fellow models" over for "a little soirée". Apparently all of that quasi-pimping they had him doing in Glasgow was just a warm up act for tonight. Charley tells them to talk to the models and get some advice, because they're current and they're working. He's trying not to giggle throughout, because he knows exactly why the producers are planning to fill the house with male models tonight, and it has nothing to do with enhancing these girls' CVs. Then he scarpers. Charley Speed: Worst Pimp Ever.

The girls get all dressed up and return to the living room, which has been set up as a bar in their absence, complete with two chaps mixing cocktails for them. MODELS! DRINKING! DRINKING MODELS! The doorbell rings. Hannah opens the door to reveal a rakish type who looks like he needs a good wash. Mercifully, he does appear to be followed by several people who are somewhat more attractive. Tanya interviews that upon the arrival of the male models, the girls were acting like they'd never seen boys before. Imogen interviews that they were all good-looking (illustrative shot of The Great Unwashed - why focus on this one? Is my taste really so out of touch that this is what everyone finds attractive these days and I just don't get it?). Everyone gets drunk, and the boys start showing off (read: gaying it up) on the in-house catwalk. Imogen tells us that "Will" was really good looking (shot of really ripped guy taking his shirt off, with overall effect slightly ruined by crap tattoo), and that he probably hits the gym every day. I think she might have actually been drunk when she did this interview. Even if not, with Ufuoma gone, I appreciate Imogen's commitment to actually giving us entertaining confessionals - which means she'll probably be sent home in the next few weeks. Witchy Amy interviews that she fancied all of them apart from two, and there was one guy that she spoke to more because they were into the same sort of music. Guess who? Yep, The Great Unwashed. TGU tells the cameras that "this emo kid [Witchy Amy, obviously] is nuts!" and kisses her head. Witchy Amy interviews that he was totally her type because he had tattoos and piercings. Anyone surprised by this? Nope, me neither.

An apparently drunk Anastasija goes to the confessional booth and says that she's "shocked by the Amy's beherrer, oh my God." We see Amy climbing up the Soap Dodger, intercut with interview segments in which she admits to being "a bit drunk, to be honest". The two of them end up sitting drunkenly in the confessional both, with him offering to get on top of her. Classy! "Not on camera," Amy scolds, which he takes to mean that as soon as the cameras are off, his luck's in. Downstairs, the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil and Tanya (why are they hanging out together? Don't they despise each other?) are gossiping, and Anastasija reiterates her shock at Amy's behaviour. Juste agrees that "I don't think you have to get that loose." Tanya grins. I think she's just happy they're picking on someone else. For now. Amy interviews reluctantly that she "kissed him, a little bit", which is immediately followed by Imogen interviewing "all night, apparently." Hee! Soap Dodger writes his number on Amy's arm: "hopefully in biro, not permanent marker, because that's not going to be good for shoots," she admits. Imogen hugs "Will" goodbye, and says she hopes they'll arrange something when they get out. Jade, Witchy Amy, Jessica and Imogen go to the confessional booth, where Jade announces that "these two" copped off, while everyone else took Charley's advice at face value and asked questions about modelling. Bunch of prudes. Anastasija has the final word: "It's really cheap. Just cheap."

Later, everyone's getting ready for bed, and Anastasija The Appalled is lying in her bunk, asking Witchy Amy why she can't just "behave". Is she related to Rodrigo from Big Brother? Because they share a certain fun-sponge quality. Apparently, for reasons I can't quite figure out, Amy being a floozy is preventing Anastasija from getting her required amount of nap time, and she's angry because she's going to have bags under her eyes in the morning. In the bathroom, Jessica's all "right, so we'll all just have to go to sleep whenever Anastasija wants us to? Fuck that." Anastasija bitches at them for not using the other rooms instead of this one. Holly tells her that she should just go to bed already, and the rest of them will go downstairs and come to bed when they're ready. Jade interviews that Anastasija is being cunty. They bleep it out, but I like to think that's what she said. Anastasija bitches Witchy Amy out for being the loudest person, which...have you met Amy? Witchy Amy sulks and goes to bed. Anastasija says that she doesn't care about Amy because it's a competition.

The next day, there is E-Mail, intercepted by Juste. "A super-agent, a superbrand, a supermodel. Can you walk amongst such esteemed company? Time to find out. Elle." Imogen thinks there will be an agent watching them and reporting back to Elle. They're taken to a studio in Shoreditch and greeted by Julien Miachon from Models One, who's with Yasmin Yusef, creative director of Miss Selfridge. She tells them that today's challenge is to put two outfits together, complete with shoes and accessories, and walked on the catwalk. So hang on - they've done the photo shoot first, and now they're having their reward challenge? What kind of ass-backwards episode is this? Julien tells them that to help with the super-tough challenge, they've got a supermodel. It's Alek Wek! I love Alek Wek, as do all the girls, it seems. Alek greets the girls sunnily, and tells them they've got five minutes to go and figure out what their look will be, so they need to get a move on.

Models running and jostling for clothes. Hannah interviews that they were all pushing each other out of the way, though to be honest, it looks far too civilised for my liking. Tanya interviews that she's not very good at putting things together. Two and two, for example. Juste interviews that when she'd found her outfits, the only pair of shoes left were a pair of enormous red platform high heels, which were several sizes too small for her. Alek arrives and giggles at the girls with their piles of clothes. She tells them that they need to be confident, because "the clothes don't make you, you make the clothes." I thought six-year-old children in third world countries made the clothes? Alek tells them not to disappoint her.

Adverts. Thandie Newton for Olay, once again adding "Thandie Newton" to the ever-increasing list of roles she cannot play convincingly.

Back at the styling challenge, there are girls, and they are walking. Holly's walk is hopeless, and she looks depressed. Julien whispers to Alek that he's bothered by Holly's quiffy hair. Or possibly "queefy hair". Jessica gets a growl of approval. Juste's walk goes down well with Yasmin, and Alek likes her look, but then: DISASTER!(/HILARITY! - Chris) Juste falls off the catwalk as she's stepping down from it. Alek's concerned that Juste might have hurt herself. Backstage, Juste takes out her anger on those evil shoes. Stacey walks and gives the most simpering grin you've ever seen in your life. Yasmin is disgusted, as well she might be. Tanya interviews that she was upset with her first dress, which is basically translucent and leaves a third dark line between her legs. Alek tries to figure out Jessica's second look, which she thinks might be "don't mess with me", and giggles that she wouldn't. Jessica turns, and reveals the clothing tag hanging out the back of her jeans. Yasmin stresses the importance of checking yourself in the mirror before heading out. Juste returns in a long, flowing, sand-coloured dress, and Yasmin thinks that she could do couture, just as Juste falls off the catwalk AGAIN. Backstage, Juste giggles that she's "useless". Yasmin thinks that Witchy Amy looks uncomfortable. Jade looks great, but is staring at her feet a bit. Imogen has put together an outfit that Alek really likes.

The girls assemble on the catwalk, and Alek tells them that she really enjoyed seeing their looks, even though for some of them, "I was like, 'what was that?'" I love Alek. Can she come back next week? And every week? Julien tells Jade that her second look was more her than her first look, and Imogen that her posing at the end was over the top. Yasmin tells Juste that both her outfits were exquisite and she had an elegance about her, so she's the winner. Juste is very surprised, as I think we all were. Her prize is a whole rail of "amazing, fabulous, gorgeous clothes". Tanya complainterviews that everyone else did really good on the catwalk, and Juste tripped, but they must have picked her for some reason. Maybe because the assignment was about styling and accessorising rather than walking? Just a thought.

Back at Model Manor, trouble's a-brewing. Imogen tells us that the tension between Anastasija and Tanya had been building all week. We get no build-up, we're just thrown right into the middle with Tanya yelling at Anastasija that she gets on with everyone apart from Anastasija, because she's "fucking fake". This is intercut with Tanya interviewing that Anastasija was lovely at boot camp, but she's changed since she's been in the house. Well, that as may be, but you weren't living with her at boot camp, were you? Anastasija hits back Tanya's loud, and not being herself. They start shouting over each other, and Tanya keeps trying to get Anastasija to shut up (note that Anastasija keeps barreling on and doesn't care whether Tanya shuts up or not. ♥ Anastasija). Anastasija then starts taking the piss out of Tanya's voice, which doesn't go down well. (Also, pot/kettle - Chris) Anastasija asks Tanya what she's going to do, to which Tanya replies "can't do nothing at the moment, can I?" HA! Worst fight ever. You're on a reality show, Tanya. You're expected to pull her hair at the very least. Jade interviews that Tanya was really angry, and she thought she might hit Anastasija. Anastasija interviews "if she wants to do it, come on, I'm going to fight. I heff some experience fighting with the girls, and also that's fine, I'm not afraid of her at all." Amazing. Tanya calls Anastasija "lower than fucking dirt" and walks off. Anastasija interviews: "That's fine. I don't need to talk to her, she's not my friend." Tanya decides she's just not going to bother with Anastasija from now on. So I'm guessing those diamonds didn't patch up the hole in their friendship for very long, then?

Low-budget London porn, which means it's judging time. Julien arrives at BBC Television Centre, carrying a suit cover with "Dior" printed on it. Charley is looking at some printouts, which appear to be the "best shots" from the shoot. STOP RUINING THE MAGIC! Crazy Uncle Julien coos over someone's baby.

Voice of Fearne reminds us of judges. This week's guest judge is model and designer Jasmine Guinness. No Alek Wek? BOO. The girls troop in, and Elle introduces them all to "model, designer and toy-shop owner Jasmine Guinness", as if the last part has any relevance to what we're doing here. (Does anything? - Chris) Voice of Fearne reminds us of the prizes. Still no one believes that the Peugeot Coupé has any real connection to getting to castings, because I'm assuming the vast majority of castings in this country would be in London, and...good luck trying to get to anywhere in London on time if you're driving.

Elle reminds the girls that literally no one from the panel has seen them all week, apart from when Charley popped in for about five minutes to be the world's giggliest pimp. First up to be judged is Hannah. Elle thinks Hannah looks really confident, and Hannah says that going back to Ireland was really good. We see her shot, which is not all that remarkable. Crazy Uncle Julien says that "the eagle has landed, but I'm not sure which is the best bird in this picture." Oh, Crazy Uncle Julien. Never change. Elle commends Julien on his poetry. Jasmine likes the shot, and Grace thinks it's "nice", but she doesn't think "nice is the words that we want as adjectives here." Nos wes don'ts. Next, we have Imogen. The post-production on her picture has drained all the colour out of her and made her look like Skeletor, but it's still an interesting editorial shot, and she has excellent cheekbones. Charley says that it took him a while to make his mind up about it, because he couldn't decide if she was just sitting there looking scared, but he's now realised there is more to it. Elle loves the simplicity of the shot and thinks Imogen has done really well.

Jade's next, and her shot is pretty good, although her pose (hands on hips, hunched slightly forward) makes me think this is could be a commercial shot for a product designed to alleviate menstrual cramps. Jasmine thinks it's a strong editorial shot, and her face and body look amazing. Julien thinks the girl in front of him is fragile and soft, but the one in the picture is strong and empowering and YOUR EYES ARE LIKE DANGER. Seriously, at this point I just want to get drunk with Julien McDonald. It looks like so much fun. After that we have Jessica, who tells the judges that she didn't have good feedback from the girls. Grace pounces: "Do you care what the girls think? This is a competition." Jessica reflects that she doesn't really care what they think. Jessica's shot is not great, to my eyes - she has no leg, and her jawline (...and the rest - Chris) looks rather mannish. Elle loves it, though, and Jasmine thinks it's a very strong picture despite the challenging nature of the outfit.

Tanya's next, and Elle tells her that Yvonne and Barry thought she was emotionless and not present, which disappointed them. Tanya is emotionless and not present in response to this. We see the shot, which is rather regal and lovely. Jasmine thinks she's a "strong, fierce woman". Charley thinks the shot doesn't jump out.

Stupid mid-judging ad break. I hate these so much. Put it in front of the judging, put it between the judging and the callout, put it anywhere but DO NOT PUT IT HERE. Also, it's interesting how the earlier breaks were full of make-up and hair products, and this one has ads for toilet paper and Premier Inn.

When we return, it's Boring Stacey's turn. Her picture is awesome, but Stacey's all second-guessy and doesn't think her face is as strong as the other girls. Charley thinks the picture really works, and loves the shape she's come up with. Julien thinks she's a fantastic editorial girl because "you know how to wear clothes". As opposed to Anastasija, who clearly doesn't. Juste is next, and Elle recognises her as a challenge winner. She's wearing one of her winning outfits. Her picture is not great, though I think at least part of it is due to the restricting way she was perched on the stairs. Grace thinks the picture is clunky, and it looks like she's in a bit of a strop. Juste says that this is what the photographer asked her to do. Oh, Juste. NEVER SAY THAT. Doing what the photographer asks you to do is WRONG, except when it isn't. Don't you know that by now? Grace channels everyone's mum by asking if Juste would jump out of a window if the photographer told her to. "Yes, if she was a good model," Jasmine replies. Heh. Also, you told the contestants to jump off some scaffolding last year and they did, so shut up Grace. Jasmine thinks that the thin line between looking fierce and grumpy is very tough.

Holly's next, and Grace calls her out on her "half-arsed approach" as she walks towards them. Elle scolds her for always looking dour as she waits to see her photograph, and points out that the panel notice these things. Her best shot is not great - the dress looks fabulous, but her face is rubbish. Julien tells her she needs a bit more life. Elle tells her she looks bored, and she'll have to work on that. Following her is Anastasija, who gets points with me for clearly having been paying attention while Holly was being criticised for her lack of enthusiasm and full on WERKS her way down the catwalk to the judges. Her picture is great, and Elle loves the nonchalence. Charley says that he sees this nonchalence from her a lot, but it works here. Jasmine thinks it's perfect.

Witchy Saucy Amy is last. Grace asks why Amy is saucy, and Elle tattles on Amy for being a loose woman at the party. Her shot's a bit poor. Elle doesn't love the angle of her head. Jasmine thinks the clothes look great, but they could've looked better. Julien says that her shoulder is hiding her face and her bey-ooty of what she is.

Time to deliberate. Backstage, Amy sobs incoherently about having made a mess of things. Jessica hugs her. Back in the judging room, the judges are judging. Charley thinks Hannah isn't memorable, and Grace thinks she is "nice", whereas fashion is groundbreaking and provocative. Julien likes Imogen and thinks she looks like Robin Hood's girlfriend. Grace thinks she's more Joan Of Arc than Maid Marian. Elle thinks she has potential, and Grace agrees. Jade's shot gets rave reviews, and Charley thinks it's her first really strong shot. Jasmine thinks she could catch a wave. Julien thinks Jessica commands the shot, looking like a modern-day girl from Lord Of The Rings. Grace thinks Jessica has what it takes to be a top model. Elle thinks Stacey is frail and tiny, but still gives strong pictures. Grace thinks Stacey sums up what fashion photography is about. Charley thinks she has a great portfolio. Grace doesn't like Tanya's photo and thinks she's resting on her laurels. Julien thinks she's relying too much on her haircut. I LOVE YOU JULIEN. Juste's shot reveals that Elle was cross with her for arguing with Grace. Grace says she doesn't mind girls standing up for themselves as long as they're right, and Juste will need to pick her battles if she wants to last. Julien thinks she looks like a pantomime dame. Holly's days are numbered, Elle thinks. Julien thinks she needs a rocket up her bottom. Grace thinks she's more Blown By The Wind than Gone With The Wind. Charley chuckles that if she HAD WIND, at least it'd give her an expression. Oh Charley. Must you lower the tone? Witchy Saucy Amy is growing on Charley, but Grace feels the opposite. Charley thinks Anastasija is a lucky cow, and if she's given another brief and does the same thing again, she is DUNZO. Elle loves the ease and the impishness of the picture. They have MADE A DECISION.

Elle has ten beautiful girls before her, but only nine photographs in her hand. The girls who are still in the running towards becoming Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model are: Jade, Stacey, Anastasija (who is warned to up her game next week lest she start looking bored rather than nonchalent), Imogen, Jessica, Juste, Tanya and Holly. This leaves Hannah and Witchy Saucy Amy in the bottom two. Elle says they're there for different reasons - Amy is intriguing and divides the judges, but they need more intrigue in her pictures. Hannah is consistent - never the top, never the bottom, she's just nice. So who gets the final picture? Amy, of course, because nice is the kiss of death on this show. Hannah interviews that she doesn't want to go home, but she'll just try to make it on her own. *sings empowering eleven o'clock number*

We see her nice portfolio of niceness, and then she fades out. Coming up next week: the models interview The Wanted (or The Wanting, according to Witchy Saucy Amy) and take on a ballet-inspired photoshoot. Also, everyone hates Juste. Should be fun!

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Bitchin' in the kitchen (and crying in the salon all night)

Top 12 - 8th August 2011

Hello, and welcome to week six of Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model. Frankly, this week I feel cheated. Do you want to know why? I will tell you why...We’ve had to wait SIX WEEKS for the makeovers. Ah, the makeovers, the best day in the Top Model calendar. Where experience has not yet told the girls that they more than likely will look better after a professional and noted stylist has done their hair for them. So who will cry? Who will get the unworkable and painful weave? Who will whine so much at their drastic transformation that they get binned from the competition for not sucking it up and have to go home bald? There’s only one way to find out...

Previously! Walking on a runway so precarious it’s open to the public! Janice screams in people’s face! Amy cries! Joanne and Kimberly go home.

Coming up today! HAIRCUTS! OF! DOOM!

I am rubbing my hands together with glee.

TITLES! Woah, Amy looks like she’s doing that bad smell acting thing from the Joey Tribbiani School of theatre. [It didn't really occur to me until this week how awful this year's titles are. None of the models look like they've got a damn clue. - Steve]

We begin with an XX song that I can’t name because they all sound the same. Hannah is really shocked that Joanne went home, implying that she wasn’t at all surprised that Kimberley went home. Holly tells us that “We are upset that Joanne has gone... Kimmy’s gone as well” Snerk. Amy watches the conversation with a “Huh wtf” look on her face. Juste tells us that Kimmy didn’t relate to the other girls very well. This is all over a montage of “Kimmy” wiping her eyes with kitchen towel. Oh love, how do you ever expect to be a top model if you don’t use proper handkerchiefs? At least a Kleenex mansize please, you’re not an animal.

Meanwhile, in the “Confessional room” (All similarities to the Big Brother diary room are entirely coincidental) Amy and Juste cackle as Jessica ponders the question “Who doesn’t like Kim?”. Cut to Kim doing a sadface and a cry.

Ufuoma interviews that Kim’s departure was sad to say the least...FOR HER. Ooh, I’m loving these bitchy girls already. We could’ve been on week six of this already. We could’ve had this kind of episode at least FIVE TIMES by now. What a waste...

E-Mail time! Which arrives by magic runner in a white flashing phone box.

“A snip-snip here and a snip-snip there...” Reads Holly “You know what’s coming, girls, be ready by 7am”. Cue much whooping. Not only from me. Jessica is so excited by this news, she does a little dance. The rest of the girls scatter to look at their hair and say goodbye to it.

Meanwhile, in the diary room, Jade predicts she’ll be crying tomorrow, whilst Ufuoma looks like she already is. Hannah and Holly will update us tomorrow when they’re bald.

There’s a bit about an eye which heralds the passing of time and the girls all file out of the Top Model house and on to the Model Bus. Jade tells us that she slept with a firm grip on her hair, whilst Amy holds on to hers longingly. Imogen looks at her patronisingly but still runs a hand through hers and tells us she’s been gentle with it today. Hannah laughs at all three of them.

There’s a gratuitous advertising shot of a place called Percy and Reed. Elle is there. She welcomes who we think is the girls to “our Favourite week". I think it’s your favourite week, Elle, because you’ve got eleven full sized Barbie dolls to play with and you know that you are in a position to make or break any of them. It’s not the girls she’s talking to though, it’s the Judges. Grace is practically rubbing her legs with excitement, Charley has his “Ugh, Girls and hair” face on and Julien looks like he’s trying to remember he is nice now. Elle has an idea that she’s going to split up the girls and each one has two or three to do makeovers with. Share the blame, Elle, brilliant plan. I bet it’s Julien that gets two. (More's the pity - Chris)

Cut back to the bus. Ufuoma wants long hair, if she has short hair, she’s gonna swearword. Juste doesn’t mind because it can’t be worse than it is now. Clever girl, Juste. She’s got a plan. She knows what she is doing.

Back at the salon, Elle shares out the girls. Grace is happy, Julien does indeed get the odd two girls, but they are his favourite two. And Charley, which he is now named, has what sounds like “the bodies”. Unusually, his reaction is not “how did you know?” and leaving the country under an assumed identity, he shouts YEAH BABY.

Paul Percival is now allowed to talk, he’s the stylist, he says that they’ve obviously got this far because they see something in them, but being pretty doesn’t give them an edge. IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD MENTIONED THIS BEFORE! “Aggy didn’t work until she cut her hair” nods Grace, knowingly. (Of Kim & Aggie? Or Rebecca X-Factor's Auntie Aggy? - Chris) [And more importantly changed her name, but since this show doesn't have Pseudonym Week, I guess we're ignoring that. - Steve] And Charley tries very hard to look interested. Paul Percival explains that their hair is a reflection of their personality. THEIR BRAND! Shouts Grace, like a massive swot. Julien tries to look interested but just looks confused. Hair can change your whole persona says Paul Percival ominously. We know this Paul. It can change seemingly sensible girls into girls that cry for a whole week.

The judges line up as the girls enter the salon. Elle welcomes them, but they are subdued because they are going to get their hair cut. “IT’S MAKEOVER DAY YIPPEE!” shouts Elle. There is a half arsed woo from the girls. Elle explains that Paul Percival does the hair of Madonna and Lady Gaga and they have worked for Vogue and Vanity Fair so the girls are in very good hands. Tanya does a Miranda-esque eyes of fear to the camera.

Elle has Juste, Hannah and Holly. When she says Hannah the camera is on Tanya. How can I be expected to remember names when the editors can’t?

And Charley has Imogen, Jade and Ufuoma. The very lucky girls who have Grace are Tanya, Stacey and Jessica, who BETTER SMILE GIRL. “She’s the bonkers one” says And Charley, apropos of nothing.

Finally, Julien has Anastasija and Amy. Elle wishes everyone a fantastic day.

Hannah interviews that everyone was nervous, though some were trying to hide it better than others. Anastasija is crying before she’s even got the backwards cape on, saying that she wasn’t nervous at all before now. Hannah gleefully tells us that “Some people” i.e. Anastasija, thought they were cool beforehand but when they got there they were all OH GOD! Then she realises that this is quite bitchy so she quickly adds that she was one of them before giving us the most disingenuous laugh ever. Cut to Hannah back in the salon saying that she better win if they cut her hair off because she’ll have “No life” if she has short hair. Perspective much? Oh, silly me, forgot what I was watching for a second. These girls think that a perspective is a list of college courses.

Ufuoma interviews that when they told her she had And Charley she lost all hope. Nice. She felt that it was out of her hands completely. Yes, Ufuoma, that’s the point. She sits on the salon chair hyperventilating and says she feels like she’s being sentenced and asks for the verdict. And Charley tells her that she has a beautiful face and does that one eye closed photographer thing with his hand. GROAN. “Beautiful faces can take very short hair” he says. Ufuoma automatically puts her hands to her head as if to hold on to hers. HOWEVER, shouts And Charley. The wag. Today she’s having her hair treated and straightened. Ufuoma breathes a sigh of relief and is moved to hug And Charley. Imogen looks terrified as Paul Percival berates her for never thinking that she needs a fringe. Jade is told that it would be an actual crime to cut her hair off, but it needs more punch. She exhales noisily in relief. Ufuoma, Imogen and Jade then join hands like they have survived some kind of heinous disaster (which in a way they have - Chris) and shout something about Charley’s Angels.

Hair montage – part one. The hairdresser dangles Imogen’s hair in her face once they’ve cut it off. There’s tears in her eyes. And Charley sits behind her staring at her in the mirror, clearly enjoying this tremendously.

Cue to Elle’s girls. Holly wonders aloud what they are going to do to her. Elle sits her down and tells her that she has an amazing body but her hair is mumsy. They’re going to be adding layers and making her a blonde bombshell. I knew it. Elle loves Holly. Those two should just get a room or something. Hannah next. She’s getting a cut to a manageable length. Elle then asks Juste what she thinks she’s going to do. I like where this is going. “Cut my hair!” says Juste. The girl’s been paying attention. Elle says she knows this, but how does Juste think she’s going to cut her hair? Juste’s losing her confidence now... “Short?” she whispers. YES! Juste puts her hands on her face and whispers “oh my goodness”. Short and really dark! Says Elle, enthusiastically. Juste’s facade nearly crumbles completely.

Hannah interviews that Juste is really pretty and probably wasn’t expecting to get man hair. No shit! They discuss what kind of brown she’s going to get. “Deep” says the hairdresser and the look of horror that flashes across Juste’s face is amazing. She manages to keep the front up though. Ufuoma gleefully tells us that Juste’s first nightmare is going dark, then the second nightmare is the crop over a montage of Juste’s pained face. Oh dear. Ufuoma says that “Reality is going to be like she’s dreaming in a nightmare” which of course makes PERFECT SENSE. (I hear Ufuoma's now working writing lyrics for Beyonce - Chris) Juste actually can’t speak by this point. She still isn’t crying yet though. Power to her.

Hilariously, the music changes to Whip My Hair over hair montage part two.

Anastasija next. She tells us that she was always blonde and always had blonde hair. I bet her baby photos were amusing. If they cut it or make it ginger she’s not going to like it because it’s something new. Paul Percival says she’s going to get some “Directional” colour. Cut to Julien telling Amy that she and Anastasija are going to get something completely different. Uh-oh. Julien is going to try and do something special isn’t he? Those poor girls... Julien tells them that it’s so different they wouldn’t want to go back. It isn’t clear if this means into society or back to dull hair. Amy and Anastasija pretend to be pleased with this and high five each other. Yeah, right.

Hair montage three!

Elle and And Charley stand behind Juste discussing her. He asks if she’s cutting it. CUTTING IT OFF says Elle, with obvious glee. Juste is still managing not to cry as Elle continues to say OFF, OFF, OFF. This girl is a hero.

Tanya interviews that she’s not as nervous as the other girls who are all, like, “My hair”. Cut to Tanya in the salon chair being told she’s getting a page boy haircut like a bowl cut and immediately bursting into tears. “What’s the matter?” asks Grace “are you nervous?” heh. She gives her a hug and asks her if she’s going to go for it like she has a choice. She nods. The hairdresser helpfully reminds her that this is what happens when you are a model. Imogen interjects by saying you can’t be all “Waaah! I want my hair like that” which is helpful. [Well, at least someone did their homework, I suppose. - Steve] Amy is going to be ice white notices Julien, Grace explains that that is because her girls are going to have beauty and sophistication.

Imogen then wanders towards Juste who is still managing not to cry as the brown hair dye is washed from her head. She waves her ponytail in front of her and Juste holds it in her hand as if it’s her dear, departed hamster.

Imogen is now in the chair again and Elle tells And Charley that she thought he was going to give Imogen a long, 60’s thing. (Jim Morrison's penis? - Chris) And Charley, who is now wearing a cape, tells Elle that he thought they were his girls. Oh they will be yours, just keep working the charm.

After the adverts – Tears! Juste finally breaks down.

Advertising break! Cars, spot cream, beds and shampoo. Ooh, fried chicken!

We’re back. There will be some product placement.

Jade is done. She has the same hair only slightly glossier and with a wave. She’s pleased. Imogen has her fringe. “Oh, brilliant” groans And Charley, in a not at all creepy way that would signify that this is one of his fantasies. She loves it. Imogen and Jade pose in front of the mirror.

Juste finally cracks over I’ll Stand By You, Girls Aloud version as her hair is chopped. Your effort was valiant, lady. You lasted far longer than I thought you would. Hannah tells her not to worry about it as her long hair stays long. Jessica says that she’s been hanging around for ages and is now getting scared. Yeah, what about Jessica? She’s bored of listening to Tanya go on about her haircut and her crying because her hair was so nothing. She ineffectually hands her a box of tissues. Julien helps the situation by putting on a godawful wig, walking over to Tanya and saying he thinks that this is what she’s going to look like. Tanya takes it in better spirits than I would.

Finally, Jessica. Grace promises that she hasn’t forgotten about her. She’s getting the front relaxed and a new weave, which is good because the old one is looking tired.

Hannah is finished! She’s got basically the same but a bit blonder and a bit curlier. Of course she’s happy! Ufuoma is happy with hers because it is basically the same too but straighter.

Juste is still sobbing, but she looks AMAZING. Ufuoma spots her and gleefully interviews about her helmet hair and how disgusting it is and how she would be crying if it was her. [I can't help feeling Ufuoma should be concerned that they did literally NOTHING to her hair. That's rarely a good sign - Steve] Julien says that Juste looks like a boy and she’ll probably be crying tonight and he wouldn’t want to be her. I’d expect that kind of behaviour from the girls Julien, but from you?

I feel it pertinent to explain now that the finished do’s are being shown by having two side by side pictures of the girls wearing before and after t-shirts and looking grumpy in the before pictures. They are really dumbing down this year, aren’t they? More so than usual or is that just me? [I particularly liked the girls who went as far as to give thumbs down to their old looks and thumbs down to the new ones. Giant hams, the lot of them. - Steve]

Cut to Holly getting so much weave that Julien isn’t sure she can move her head. Grace then gives Julien a deservedly hard time about his do which he admits doesn’t move.

Amy has gone copper. Julien asks her what she thinks and she manages to squeeze out a “quite like it”. Julien then tells her that this isn’t her actual colour, but she’s going to be going more gothic like a black goth. “Are you joking?” asks Amy, very very seriously? He isn’t. She’s going to be like a black goth. The transformation is coming! He shouts gleefully.

Grace LOVES Tanya’s hair. And Tanya is happy too. Tanya is doing an actual thumbs up in her before and after picture. Julien then goes over to Jessica and compares her discarded weave to a little dog.

Juste, I maintain, looks amazing. Elle agrees with me. Juste has her hair in a doggy bag and compares her experience to torture, but she’s happy because she can do anything now. Stacey is ice blonde, which allegedly makes her look like a fairy. Elle has turned Holly into her because she’s her favourite. She’s happy because her hair is thick, blonder and lush.

Jessica looks great too, she’s more confident with her new weave and this means she’s really going to go for it and not be ashamed of who she is (!?). She goes one better than Tanya and does a thumbs up and a thumbs down in her before and after pics.

Anastasija is at the sink. Wait for it, her hair is...PINK. She’s told this and bursts into tears whilst Julien squeals excitedly. He then goes over to Amy and ruffles her now black hair and asks if she’s happy. She’s not sure. Anastasija loved her pink hair and Amy pretends to be happy with hers. She actually looks pisssed off in her after photo.

The girls all squeal at each other back at the house. Tanya isn’t convinced by Anastasija’s pink hair. Juste compares herself and Anastasija to Ken and Barbie. It’s a better simile than I could ever have come up with. RIP The blonde, European axis of awesome (thanks for that one, Chris). (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - Chris) Jade interviews that Amy’s hair looks like it’s been plopped on her head. She’s right. Amy thinks it wasn’t what they expected. Imogen and Tanya are bitching in the kitchen about how she looks like Ozzy Osbourne. Amy tries to brazen it out. Imogen reminds us that it’s a competition and she’s just glad that she looks alright.

The kitchen bitching has made its way to Ufuoma, who agrees with the Ozzy comparison, and she expresses that she hopes they know what they are doing and that they can’t kick her out after that. Meanwhile in the diary room, it’s Tanya’s hair that provokes the most discussion. Imogen thinks she looks like a mushroom. Juste doesn’t understand the short and going longer part because it’s old fashioned. The talk then moves to Stacey’s bob, which is compared to a blue rinse by Imogen and Holly. Nice, although correct.

New E-Mail! Anastasija reads this one. “Tomorrow you will have to leave your *indecipherable* at the door because *indecipherable* got what it takes to become a Top Model”. I’m sorry, I listened to it three times and I still don’t know what’s going on. It looks like the girls don’t, either. Ufuoma must have, because she’s asked for hair removal cream. It’s gonna be nudies, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, back in the bitchykitchen, Amy is still trying to convince everyone that she likes her hair. The Ozzy music doesn’t help her, production team. She says that she’s trying to get used to it as Tanya tries unsuccessfully to hold down the laughter. Amy is worried that it might be hard to work and that it’s like a hide. Everyone around her laughs at her.

After the break... Nudies! Surprise guests! Elimination room which still sounds like a posh name for a toilet!

Adverts – I miss the Tom Daley advert every five minutes. Seriously. [I've taken its absence of late to mean there aren't many gays watching the show this year. - Steve] And I want to see One Day.

Finally, a song of awesomeness. The girls stride into the studio over “Song 4 Mutya”. That’s more like it. Waiting for them is Liz Hotchin who is the brand manager for All for Eve, who make bath and beauty products that raise money for gynaecological cancer research. She is accompanied by Ross from Friends. Liz thinks that the natural form is the most beautiful so for today’s shoot they are going to be in the nip. Ufuoma is happy with this; Stacey looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. Ufuoma interviews that she really likes nudity. Holly wonders why you would be excited about stripping off. Ross from Friends turns out to be one of Elle’s favourite photographers, Nihat Odabasi. I notice at this point, Liz has scary Tanya Turner crazy eyes.

Elle strides into the hair and makeup room and exclaims how everyone looks so different and unique. She reminds them that during a nude shoot, the most important thing is arriving without underwear. That’s kind of what nude is. Elle thinks it’s important that the girls are not too smiley. Liz thinks it should be about the eyes, but she would.

Anastasija is first. She is wearing underwear. Elle wants her more innocent. Anastasija doesn’t understand how to do that with black eyeliner. When the shoot is over, Anastasija doesn’t put her robe on quick enough for Elle’s liking and she rushes over to cover her up, telling her to keep some secrets. I don’t understand the point of this. Holly looks uncomfortable, as does Imogen. Stacey looks skeletal. She explains that she normally does well in photoshoots, but the nakedness made her uncomfortable. Elle tells her that she can’t pull off the lying down pose that she’s doing. Hannah interviews that Stacey ended up having to have a chat with Elle about how skinny she is. Elle and her sit together and tells her that she was worried at her “slightness” and that this distorted her pictures. Elle just wants her to be happier and healthier. Stacey explains that she wishes she could be as big as a size eight but she can’t. (Oh go eat a sandwich - Chris) Elle ends this on a hug. Hannah says that she explained to her that Elle was talking to her out of love. She hopes it doesn’t affect her chances in the competition.

Amy isn’t that uncomfortable with a nude shoot, which translates that she is really uncomfortable. Elle tells her to make herself more comfortable. Liz says she looks fierce, but you can tell she doesn’t mean in the good way. Elle and Liz bemoan her lack of versatility. Jade thinks that Juste is doing the best out of all of them; Liz thinks that she nailed it.

Hannah next, Elle thinks she’s fantastic and her haircut brings out her cheekbones. Jade is regretting her tattoo and Liz doesn’t like it. Jade interviews that at least she has got less than Tanya, who’s got six. Tania also needs a good meal. Elle doesn’t know what to do with all the tattoos.

Ufuoma interviews that she had prepared herself for nudity, but hadn’t prepared herself for the wig, which kept moving. This wasn’t helped by the photographer asking her to shake her head and play with her hair. Don’t blame the wig if you fail, Ufuoma. That’s a go directly to eliminated card. Elle thinks she’s beautiful but doesn’t think that she photographs well.

Finally, Jessica. THEY’RE PLAYING THE FLOOD, STEVE! [*grits teeth* - Steve] She thinks it’s worth being the last because she knows how the other girls have done. Elle is proud of her because she’s on her tiptoes. Elle shouts GORGEOUS a lot and asks the other girls if they’re watching, because that’s how it’s done.

Clothes back on, the girls applaud themselves. Elle is so pleased with all of them there’s a treat when they get home. Jade thinks it might be male strippers. Um...

They all run screaming into the house. Chipmunk, as I think he’s called, is waiting for them in the house to sing them a little song. Juste and Anastasija don’t have a clue who he is. Luckily, he says Chipmunk lots so we all know who he is. Holly says that Imogen wants to take the Chipmunk into the diary room alone. He’s 12, FFS! Amy actually screams. Chipmunk goes into the diary room with them all. Imogen offered him her BB pin, but he didn’t want it. I had to ask my little brother what that was. Apparently it’s some kind of messaging service. (I was imagining some sort of 1950s debutante situation - Chris) [I thought she meant her virginity. - Steve]

EMAIL! Thankfully read by Ufuoma this time. “You’ve all had stunning transformations this week, but are you transforming into top models?" Blah blah, elimination, blah 10 left. Ufuoma will be so swearword if she’s eliminated. Stacey is worried because her photoshoot didn’t go well. Tanya is packing. Anastasija would like Tanya to go home because she can’t stand her. Amy is worried because she thinks she needs to show her smiley, girly side.

Backstage at the judging room. Elle has 70’s disco hair and Grace is wearing a curtain. She says she’s going to go out naked in homage to the girls. Joining them on the judging panel is “TV’s most stylish male, George Lamb”. These are not my words. Elle says she’ll see him on set. He says he’s still got it. (the clap? - Chris) I say I’m a little bit sick in my mouth.

We’re introduced to the judges again. Charley is And Charley again. Elle welcomes them to the elimination room for the second time. She thinks it’s going to be hard to chose because they all looked amazing in their makeovers and in their photographs.

Blah blah prizes. Still no Alisha modelling card on the Models 1 wall I see. Heh.

The girls clap the prizes because they’re told to.

Juste first. Grace barely recognises her. She thinks her photo is alright. I agree. Julien thinks that her makeover is the best. George doesn’t know what she looked like before but thinks she looks great now. Julien then says that her new hair do stops her from being versatile. I’m paraphrasing here, but Elle basically tells him that he’s a bitch.

Amy next. She looks a bit like Zoolander in her photo. And Charley thinks she’s come a long way. Elle has to say that she was the hardest to work with as her expressions were samey. She responds to this by pulling the exact same face as she’s pulling in the photo.

Coming up! Decision time (Surely not?!). Someone is amazing but nothing else, someone is extraordinary and someone is going home.

Commercials! Harvester takeaway? Surely the draw of Harvester is unlimited salad. Why would you want to limit that?

We’re back with Ufuoma. Her picture is a bit wrong and I can’t figure out why. Elle asks And Charley to give his opinion as she’s his. Oh yes, Ufuoma, you will be. And Charley likes that she’s smiling in the picture, but he thinks it’s awkward. Julien thinks she’s sexy but not a model. Elle tells him off for being harsh. Grace agrees. It’s sweet verging into saccharine. Ufuoma thinks she can improve on it. Elle doesn’t care what they think, she thinks Ufuoma looks sweet and gorgeous.

Charley loves Anastasija’s picture. Julien thinks it looks like it comes from Vogue and that she looks young and modern. Grace disagrees. George isn’t sure about the pink hair in person, but it comes across Barbarella and Jean Shrimpton in the photo.

Grace doesn’t realise Imogen’s photo is her. Julien thinks that her makeover is the most boringest. Elle asks if he had lime for breakfast, presumably because he’s so sour. (HE MUSTAH EATEN SO MENNY LEMONS, COZ EE IS SO BIT-TAH, I WOULD RAVVER BE MADE OVAH BY CHAR-LEE COZZ EE IS MUCH FIT-TAH! - Kate Nash) And Charley thinks you can make lots of money if you don’t look too extreme. Oh the possibilities of that statement. Grace thinks she looks like she’s got Elephantitis of the leg, which is handy because George loves Elephantitis. He summarises that Imogen has a lovely top half but the bottom half needs a bit of work. HURRRRR. George didn’t realise that it would be so brutal. Spend some time with the girls, George, they’ll show you brutal. (and their tits - Chris)

Jade next. She looks like she’s landed awkwardly. Elle loves her baby face and heavenly body. Julien thinks she represents real women because she’s got big tits. He loves her tits though, he wishes he had a pair like that. YOU’RE TALKING YOUR THOUGHTS OUT LOUD AGAIN, JULIEN. George tells him to give it a few more years. Grace reminds her that Elle is the only person in the universe with nice toes.

Stacey next. She looks pissed off in her photo. She says she found it hard because she’s so slim. Elle’s euphemism of choice for thin today is “fine”. Elle thinks it’s wonderful that she found a position that made her look more wholesome (trans- less fine).

Hannah was apparently confident on this shoot. Grace is drawn to a place where she shouldn’t be looking. Tanya’s ribs are on show in her photo. She’s wearing the same blouse as Jade in a different colour. Elle thinks her photo is gorgeous, strong and interesting. And Charley thinks that there’s a slight severity about it. Slight?! If it was any more severe it would be a military coup. Julien thinks that she looks like a fantastic wild pussycat. I think she looks like a fantastic wild pussycat that looks like Keira Knightley, which is never a good thing. Julien asks George if she could be his pussycat, to which he replies he’s got one. That’s a no, then. He would, however, like to get to know her in theory, whatever that means. I’m unsure whether we are still talking in metaphor.

Next up is Holly, who hasn’t done her hair to their liking. THAT’S A NINE HOUR HAIRCUT! Shouts Grace. Her photo is ok, but she was the client’s favourite. Grace thinks she was born to do this kind of work, but she’s a bit meh in person. Julien thinks she could jazz it up a bit and put her lights on. I don’t even think he knows what this means. Grace’s final advice is that she should channel Fiercy McFiercy, which I presume is Elle, but I’m not convinced by Elle’s personality. She’s bland like yoghurt. Inventing new words for skinny does not a Fiercy McFiercy make. Fierce.

Finally, Jessica, who looks like she is throwing a discus in her shoot. And Charley thinks she looks like a bronze. Elle says she did that every time. George thinks she looks mind blowingly beautiful and And Charley shoots him a look that says “I’M THE ONE THAT MAKES THE VAGUELY CREEPY SEXUAL REMARKS AROUND HERE BUCKO”. Julien leads some applause.

Elle tells them that the judges have a difficult decision to decide who will be leaving this week, and the girls all file to the backstage area which inexplicably has a cheap pine wardrobe in the corner of it. Holly tells Imogen that she thinks Jess will get picture of the week.

Back in the elimination room, the judges face the big screen and look like they are taking part in the world’s most difficult game of Catchphrase.

They think Juste is gorgeous, but Grace thinks she’s gorgeous and nothing else. “What more could you want?” Says And Charley, CREEPILY.

Amy isn’t for George. And Charley was surprised by what he saw from her in the flesh, compared to what he’s seen of her before through the hole he’s carved in the wall by her bed so he can watch her sleep.

Ufuoma is just a beautiful girl according to Julien, George thinks that if that is her best shot she’s not cutting it.

Grace doesn’t know what kind of work Anastasija could do, and she’s just middle of the road. Julien helpfully points out you don’t see girls like that in the middle of the road. Note to Julien – It’s usually only crazy persons that are found in the middle of the road.

Imogen next, Elle thinks she’s better in photo than in person. George didn’t think much of her on the runway. And Charley thinks it’s rare that a person doesn’t look good in the flesh but looks good in a photograph. That’s why he’s in the bushes taking photos. He uses himself as an example.

Grace thinks that Stacey’s emaciated look is good for catwalk and editorial, but not good for beauty shots. Elle thinks she looks amazing. Julien does a complete 360 from last cycle and says it’s not good to promote the too-thin look. Elle nods sadly.

Julien thinks that Hannah is a beautiful, natural girl.

Grace thinks Jade is a sexbomb. Elle thinks her body is phenomenal, but she veered on pin-up. George is all over her. Not literally, but he doesn’t think she’s a top model.

Everyone loves Tanya. YAWN.

Julien thinks Holly is amazing but boring. He can’t believe she was having her hair done for nine hours. Elle reminds him that it was only six. That makes all the difference, then. Elle whines that this is average weave time. The rest of the judges make doubtful faces.

Jessica is Julien’s winner. Grace thinks she’s extra ordinary. They toddle off to make their decision.

Worried faces back in the Elimination room. First called and photograph of the week is Jessica. Tanya next, followed by teachers' pet Holly. They hug backstage. Juste next, followed by Hannah then Anastasija. More whooping. Imogen is next through, then Jade and finally Amy, who needs to find one more expression to go with the one she already has.

Ufuoma and Stacey are left. Whoever doesn’t get called...blah blah.

Ufuoma is beautiful in person but her photo was disappointing, although full of charm. Stacey is...wait for this segment’s too skinny euphemism...concerningly fragile.

So who is through?


It’s Stacey. Bye Bye Ufuoma. You were by far the bitchiest and we loved you for it. (*sniff* - Chris) She interviews that she knew she wouldn’t get through when she saw the picture. This interview takes place in a corridor whilst a man wanders around in the background in a high vis jacket. Julien reflects that it’s been a hard week, but it’s a competition. We’re so glad you understand. Elle isn’t sure Ufuoma had the potential to continue. She fades out of the photo.


We look forward to seeing you then.