Sunday, 23 June 2013

Catwalking out

Hi everyone,

Helen and I have talked it over and we've decided that we will not be recapping the 2013 series. While it's been fun, it is a big time commitment and neither of us really has the time or energy right now. We decided to at least wait until the premiere aired to see if that changed our minds, but it didn't, so for the time being, this blog is on hiatus. Thanks to our readers who've given us a reason to keep going over the past few years, and keep watching @tellybitching on Twitter for the latest news on all of our other blogs.

Can I go now?[/joy]

Friday, 19 October 2012

Where did you go...

Where are they now? Broadcast 8th October 2012

Hello! Welcome to the final recap of the series (I’m not calling it a cycle). Also, welcome to a world where Bloody Anita isn’t the best at winning a reality TV show model in the country and it actually went toLetitia who spent the whole shenanigans hanging around in the background like a particularly smelly, buxom, weepy broccoli fart – being mildly offensive to the senses but never quite being irritating enough to cause a scene or interesting enough to cause comment. Apparently, being more interesting than Emma G is enough to make you a Top Model these days. Who knew?

But less of that, we need to talk about where the models are these days. I think this show is basically to remind us of some of the people who are going to be on America’s Next Top Model British Invasion. Either that or it’s just pure rubbernecking. We’ll see.

First up we have a montage of the previous winners that goes Alex, Tuffunuh, that one nobody can remember, Jade, Mecia then Lucy. I don’t see Lianna, which pleases me because she’s awful. Are any of these girls actually likeable?  The fucking voice of Fucking Fearne tells us that thousands have applied and the grand total of 103 girls have entered the house and eight have become Top Models. She then burbles some crap about the process of becoming a top model and how tough it is. We see Olivia from series 6 having a good old melt down. We then see the icyphotoshoot from series 6. God, they were horrible to the girls that year.  I get to see Alisha pretend that it was fun though.  Always good. It wasn’t all fun though, Fearne cautions us. No, at some point, you turned up. We see series 1 Lucy crying to her mum, Series 7 Tanya having a good old water melt down and for some reason, Kirsty series 6 playing with a sparkler. Random. 

The experience is once in a lifetime though. We’re promised a trip around the world to see how the girls are getting on and how their time on a reality TV show boosted their career gave them the experience that they needed to make it as a Top Model. It’s changed Mecia’s life.  She’s been in an Olly Murs video and EVERYTHING. Modelling saved her from having to be a travel agent or an air hostess.  This show changes lives everyone! Joy (MY JOY) used to live in a council estate in Leeds and can’t believe how her life has changed. Charlotte’s been Miss England and Letitia won!

The first series was in 2004 and Lisa Butcher was at the helm. Oh Lisa Butcher. Even pretending to be friends with Mica Paris couldn’t save your career.  The first group of girls were apparently put to the test, as Naomi tells us. This is illustrated by poorly shot footage of a frankly terrifying Paul Danan roaming through them. Naomi says that they set the mark. Naomi went on to become an actual model. She describes an ice cream challenge that I can’t remember but looks HILARIOUS. Naomi says that after the show she went on to Milan and the show helped her to deal with castings.  She’s now a jewellery designer. Apparently she’s had some stuff in Vogue. It looks one step up from what I imagine children make in American summer camp. She describes her awesome life which involves a scooter, castings, issues of Vogue and working away. Lucy Ratcliffe was the winner and winning gave her the confidence to follow her modelling dream. She’s done shows for Jay Lindberg, Michael Kors, Elle Saab and Jenny Packham, Various Fashion weeks and lots of magazine work. She’s found it amazing. She thinks the best thing about being a model is being the centre of attention. She now runs a rock and roll boutique with her husband in Spain. She’s had a child called Tiger so she’s mainly taken a step back from modelling to look after him. She pretends that Bintmodel has given her the tough love that she needed to come out of her shell and it’s prepared her for the modelling world. I know she’s lying when she says that the show is a true representation of the modelling world. She finishes by saying that she doesn’t know where she’d be without it.

Series 2 saw the arrival of Lisa Snowdon, bin bag dresses, dogs, chickens and rain. Lianna apparently went on to live the model dream and worked with Rankin and Lily Cole. Blessedly, she is absent from these proceedings and they wheel out her winners speech again.  I still want to punch her. Instead, we’re treated to Jasmia who came third and is in the British Invasion cycle.  Her experience was fantastic overall.  She was shy and subdued before the show and it brought her out of herself. Apparently, before the show she’d never even worn heels so everything is LERNIN. She’s apparently working on her new album which is Kylie meets Wiley (SHOOT YOURSELF) and her new single is dropping and it’s called Model Walk.  She’s going to take over the world . GOOD RUCK KID.

We are also reminded of Tamar from that series who must be doing something interesting as I barely remember her. Apparently they did a burlesque challenge with Immodesty Blaze and later Tamar auditioned for her and she remembered her. She’s now properly a Burlesque dancer. The show made her what she is today and she wouldn’t change a thing.

Also from that series is arguably the most famous of all the alumni, Abbey Clancy. Fearne describes her as bubbly and effervescent. She was on the show pre-Peter Crouch so much is made of her meeting and marrying him since. We even get a picture of her child. As soon as she came out of the house she became a WAG and ended up in the papers. She thinks the show helped her deal with this. She’s proud of being in Russian Vogue, Love Magazine and walking for “Giles” when pregnant and with even bigger boobs. She then says Matalan and Umbro really quietly.  She’s done some telly stuff too and it’s been amazing. She says it’s all down to Britain’s Next Top Model but doesn’t really sound convinced.

The adverts feature the British Invasion Promo funnily enough, but that’s not why we’re here. Fearne has now moved on to pondering what the girls from series three learned from their time on the show. Stefanie seems to be successful and has lots of international agents.  Rebecca is now a glamour model. The winner, Lauren is now a successful commercial model. She’s interviewed on a shoot in New York. She describes her career trajectory from building site to dining with beautiful people in Miami. Someone called Steven Haynes from Nevs Model Agency pops up to call her Commercial Dynamite because she has a body and hair. Lauren’s favourite bit about being a model is going abroad. HOW ORIGINAL. She’s even been in a Wanted video. She claims the show helped her grow as a person.

Next up we have Jodie Harsh and the series four girls.  Series four was apparently about fire, fashonistas and fun.  HA LOL REMEMBER WHEN THEY ROLLED AROUND IN KETCHUP!!1 Alex was the winner and Katherine second.  Alex was the actual worst before Bloody Anita. Steven Hayes thinks she’s a massive all rounder. She’s been in a Lynx advert and everything.  Fortunately, Alex is also apparently unavailable.

Series five saw a Top Model Bootcamp. Apparenty, this one was all about kissing. Well, apart from Mecia who doesn’t want to kiss a boy but is quite happy to kiss Fuckingsophie. As a brief aside, this series was the first one that I had twitter for and I mainly used twitter to rant about Fuckingsophie, who is the actual worst, more so than Bloody Anita could ever be. Seriously, I think she’s awful and I was never happier than when she lost until Alisha lost.  This series was also the series of Annalise (BRITISH INVASION KLAXON). She fondly remembers winning her challenge being interviewed by Johnny Vaughan. This is apt because she’s got her own radio show three days a week. She plays Banging Tracks. She’s good at talking apparently, but what the show taught her was to have dry, thick skin like an elephant. It made her strong and words can’t bring her down any more.

We see Jade McSorley. Remember when Jade was ROBBED? They decided in the last week that she was too thin. IN THE LAST WEEK. She was the total best model in the whole competition. You could also tell that FuckingSophie knew this and thought she had it in the bag once Jade was booted out and her face when Mecia won was PRICELESS so every cloud and that.  We re-witness her heartbreaking leaving speech about how she was glad she didn’t win because she realises that she’s too thin and she knows that she’s going to walk a catwalk again. I would question the motives behind having her on the show at all but she’s not responsible for her own exploitation so that they can have a Very Special Episode.  Yeah, I’m totally over it.  Jade has now reached a healthy weight and has been shot by Rankin. She’s been in Cosmopolitan and Vogue and has worked in Milan, Paris and Munich. She’s currently living and working in New York. She’s really pleased to be there and she would like to be on a billboard on Times Square. She credits the show for bringing her out of her comfort zone and making her see that the model dream was within reach. We see Jade going to a casting where a man tells her that she looks different in her pictures. She says the show gave her the knowledge that she could be a model and helped her prove things to herself. The man turns out to be Julien Miachon-Hobson who predicts big things for Jade in the future.  Hurrah!

Haha! Fuckingsophie only came second! Oh that will never, ever get old.  She remembers crying when she didn’t win. She thought it was the end of her life but it’s not! She’s back! Yay. No. She’s been on magazines, the ‘runway’ and around the globe. She remembers when she did ‘Britain’s’ thinking that underwater photo shoots would never happen in the real world but it ended up being one of the first jobs she booked.  Fuckingsophie is now on the same books as Cindy Crawford, Alek Wek and Kate Moss. But she didn’t win. HAHA! It was Mecia! She couldn’t believe that she’d actually won and was sure, along with Fuckingsophie, that Fuckingsophie would win, but her name was the one called. She remembers seeing her face on a magazine in the shops for the first time and  wondering if anyone would recognise her.  She’s in the latest Olly Murs video and thinks that the other girls will be jealous. Not me. She has also been saved from a career as a travel agent.

Next up is a little segment about all the places around the world the girls have been. This includes scenes from all the series.  Some look warmer than others. Jade Series seven remarks that her vista looks like a postcard. I don’t understand this bit.

On to series six. This is when Elle arrived and the budget was increased. This year was the one that started with a model academy. We see the girls crying at Elle then a bit about the shoots being more exciting than ever before. This was the series with Alisha. God, she’s annoying.  Another person who was annoying in that series was Kirsty, who is now the face of Sweaty Betty. She really likes working as a model and credits the show with getting her noticed as a model as the agencies didn’t want her before.  She felt the show put a little highlight on her personality and people liked her so they took her on. I think they must have been watching a different show.

In the actual worst category, we see Alisha crying for some reason or other. Perhaps it’s some kind of invented phobia or drama.  I don’t care to know. We see everyone crying when Charlotte, or Baby Elle as she called herself once as a joke, left, seeminglythrough no choice of Elle’s.  Charlotte’s career has apparently been mixed. She’s been working ever since. She’s the bum and legs for Per Una and she’s currently Miss Devon and now Miss England.  I think she deserves it.

We’re reminded of the terrible live final and how the viewers chose the winner. For some reason, I’m wondering how you’re all feeling. How are you feeling? This was the series that contained my undoubtedly favourite Top Model contestant and perhaps my favourite reality TV contestant EVER, Joy.  She came third in a travesty that has yet to be rivalled.  Lucy Brown from Models 1 tells us that they pursued Joy after the show ended because she’s just that awesome. She’s got a brilliant career. She is on the show and is interviewed from her home in Hong Kong which is great because it’s really different and there’s lots of good jobs out there. IN YOUR FACE, EVERYONE ELSE. Emmanuelle Pouliquen from Synergy Model Management tells us that Joy is the best kind of model because she can do everything. She’s worked with Tom Ford, Hermes, Dolce e Gabanna and Calvin Klein. She’s been in Elle, Look and Harpers Bazaar and has done both London and Paris fashion week. She’s basically winning at modelling. The show finds her doing a night shoot in Hong Kong for winter jackets. She tells us that it’s weird to look back on how she used to live on a council estate in Leeds and now she’s travelling the world. She doesn’t specifically thank the show. That, in case you didn’t know, is all the reason you need to love her right there.

Joy wasn’t the winner, oh no, it was underwater voiced Tuffunuh who was the “worthy” winner.  WUNNING HUS CHANGED HUR LIFE COMPLETLEY. IT WUS DEFUNUTLY THE BUST EXPURIENCE SHE’S UVER HUD.  She moved to London after winning and has shot all over the world for global brands.  Now she’s got her own swimwear line which she’s also modelling. Before she was a model she wanted to be a designer. She credits the show with opening doors for her and she’s still getting butterflies when she does stuff. BORED.

We’re on to the seventh series now, which contained the three ill advised weeks of auditions. This was so ill advised that we get a segment dedicated to the show’s only “lets laugh at the deluded person” contestant, the marvellous Tania Roxanna Federenco.  We get to see Anastasija flashing Elle, Tanya having a water based meltdown and Imogen being upstaged by a bird of prey again.  It’s Imogen we catch up with first.  We’re reminded that she promised that she would knock on doors until someone took her in and we find out someone has! Steven Haynes, remember him? Keep up, tells us that she’s well known for her body and does a lot of online stuff, which doesn’t seem suspicious at all.  Her life has changed since being on the show. She used to have a 9-5 job and now she doesn’t.

But she wasn’t the winner. The winner was Jade. When she won she went to Ireland after, then had to go to Glasgow to give a Mobo award with no rehearsal. Then she went to the Pride Of Britain awards and Cheryl Cole knew who she was and she didn’t sleep for a week. This section feels a little bit like a four year old telling you about their day.  We see Jade do a shoot for Schwarzkopf with TUFFUNUH and she goes on about how amazing it is to work with the brand and the competition has helped her out because she’s doing the stuff that she did in the competition but it’s not a competition so she can relax and do her job. TAKE A BLOODY BREATH WOMAN. That’s actually how she talks. The Schwarzkopf lady tells us that booking the Bintmodel girls is a no brainer for them because they have the same target audience and why wouldn’t they capitalise on that? I’m paraphrasing of course. Lucy from Models 1 is really excited about Jade because she’s so different because she has freckles and a body. The clients love her too. She’s done shoots for Levis and Swansea Life magazine. Levis love her because she’s unique and striking and this goes well with their brand. She’s also just done a campaign for Julien McDonald at Debenhams and she’s shocked that she’s the first contestant that he’s booked. This makes her feel special. The show has changed her life for the better because she’s now in London being a model.

There now follows another montage about challenges and photoshoots, which are designed to prepare them for the modelling world. After being on the show, there is apparently nothing that they can’t do.  The things they can do include wearing hats, ice skating, having maracas shaken at them, dealing with Janice Dickinson, riding donkeys and being hot.  Nicky Johnston the photographer basically admits to getting them to do ridiculous things under the guise of giving them experience. We see Ashley from series five trying to eat sheeps brain in Sweden. Again, your British Invasion alarm should be going off. The other things they have learned are dancing, smashing pretend bottles and being underwater. We also see Lisa Snowdon tell Series 3 Stefanie not to panic when she’s being sent underwater and that totally cures her except it doesn’t. Someone is on a crane for no reason and we’re reminded of the time in Series 6 where Kirsty had to be covered in chocolate whilst hungover which was BRILLIANT, followed by Joy saying a very bad word on live television.

Fearne’s back. She tells us that the road to victory not only takes good face but also needs a thick skin.  This is mainly about the judges. Annalise series five tells us that being judged was the hardest part of the whole thing. We see series four’s Rachael Cairns who I’d forgotten about having a total meltdown. She was the actual worst too. Jade McSorley interviews about how intense the judging was, as does Kirsty series six. Imogen series 7 tells us that eliminations make her arms sweat. We see a judge who I can’t remember being a bitch. Wikipedia tells me she’s Paula Hamilton.  I get lost in Wikipedia for a while.  I come back and see someone whose name for the life of me I can’t remember though I remember she was awesome being called a bitch by the judges. We see Gerry DeVaux tell Alex S4 she can’t dress and Nicky Johnstone tell Viola (S5) that she looks dead. Huggy tells Fuckingsophie (S5) that she looks like a Girls Aloud stand in which is frankly an insult to Girls Aloud. Next is Grace Woodward telling Amba (S6) not to be boring and Julien telling Alisha (S6) she looks like a drag queen. Ha! Next is Charley calling Tanya S7 plain and finally we have Elle telling Amy S7 that she was the hardest to shoot. Way to be a bitch, Elle! You can add that to the stuff that you’re rubbish at.

Next up, makeovers and fights! Totally saving the best for last.

We return to a montage of people having their hair cut off. Fearne tells us that one of the biggest challenges is trusting the professionals with giving them a new look. Especially if the person deciding on it is Julien. It’s emotional but necessary and takes a bit of getting used to.  Lee Pycroft, the chief makeup artist tells us that they really have to help the girls embody their new look. To illustrate this, we see Anastasija getting her hair dyed pink. Fuckingsophie tells us in voiceover that there’s always someone who cries and remembers some people having massive, full on  hurricane sobs.

Annalise tells us about Maddie in series five who wanted a drastic new look and went from long and blonde to short and red and wept excessively because her hair made people look at her fat thighs. She’s later seen in judging talking about how much she likes it. Then we get to relive TUFFUNUH’S makeover from series six where she cried for a week. Charlotte remembers it fondly. TUFFUNUH tells us that she still can’t watch it.  It’s now Juste series seven’s turn to get the chop and she weeps through her long blonde hair getting turned short and dark.  Lee Pycroft pops up again to tell us she’s always right.

Finally FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Fearne tells us that loads of girls are bound to find it hard to live together.  She’s so wise.  We see Catherine and Fuckingsophie doing some shouting and Annalise slamming a door. Abbey Clancy tells us that if all the girls are striving to be the best, there’s bound to be murder and there was. This is illustrated by Abbey telling us that she ended up in the final four with bitches from hell and we see her having an argument with Jasmia whilst eating her breakfast. Classeh.  Jasmia said that this was down to being in each other’s faces. Stefanie series 3 said that being in the house tested her personality to the limit and w e see Carly having a massive argument with her. Rebecca remembers how bitchy the house was and we see a massive argument erupt between Rebecca and someone whose name I can’t remember which culminates in a wine glass being smashed.  Rebecca remembers this being a massive mistake because it wasn’t top model behaviour. Being in the house made her respect other’s opinions more and helped her grow up. I can’t believe they’re crediting the show with all this.

Next up, Annalise series 5 remembers Ashley as the biggest trouble maker. Ashley interviews that honesty is the best policy. Heh. Mecia remembers little things adding up to wind her up then ending in confrontation. We see Mecia and Ashley arguing.  Ashley interviews that when she watched it back she understands that she came across as aggressive and she’s a much nicer person now just in time for the British Invasion. We now have one of the wonderful Tanya vs. Everyone moments from Series 7. This is the Anastasija edition.  Jade is called upon to answer this. She says that everyone was arguing because they wanted the same things. This speech from the Jade bubble is interspersed with Tanya calling Anastasija “lower than dirt” and Anastaija making her ‘you’ll keep till later’ face.  Jade talks about backstabbing and friendships being made but she can look back and see that it’s the BEST THING SHE EVER DID.

The voice of Fearne finishes proceedings by telling us that Bintmodel gives the girls an invaluable insight into the world of fashion and it’s an inspirational adventure they’ll never forget. Lucy is proud to be the first ever winner because it pushed her and made her more confident. Rebecca will never forget her experience. It made Tamar who she is today. Anastasija remembers everything. Charlotte thinks the show prepared her for the real world. Jade McSorely wonders what her life would be like if she never auditioned and she’s so glad she did. Ashley thinks it’s a good platform for further work and it’s been amazing.  Abbey Clancy thinks it’s weird that she went from a little girl who wanted to be a model who took the advice she got on the show to being papped and being a grown up. The show is credited with this, not her marriage to a Premier league footballer. Imogen can’t believe that a year ago she was sitting in a pub and now she’s a working model.  Lauren McAvoy feels blessed that the show has changed her life. Jade tears up when she looks back because she can’t believe she’s part of the top model family. She wants to do it all again.

But that’s not it, we see Letitia win again and shoot her Revlon Campaign. She can’t believe it etc. Goodness only knows who it will be next time! Goodness only knows if we can put ourselves through this again. We’ll see. So until then... Goodbye. 

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Queen Herod

The Final: 1st October 2012

Previously on BintModel: everything. An entire series, in fact. They went to Dubai, then they went to the Top Model house, then they went to the hairdressers, then they went to cry in the confessional booth, then they went feral at each other, and slowly but surely they all went home. All of them, that is, except three: Bloody Anita, the worst person in the entire world; Emma, who's nice but dull; and Letitia, the one with big tits who cries a lot. Tonight: one of them will be crowned BintModel, and the reaction will probably be a hearty shrug from the universe.


We're still in Canada, as the aerial photography indicates, and the show decides to rub salt into the wound by showing us Lisa's final moments before going home, in which she is genuinely pleased for the girls who made the final and congratulates them. Oh, Lisa. Truly, you are too nice a person for reality television. Emma interviews that she can't believe Lisa's gone home, while Anita sits with terrible posture and says that she's going to miss Lisa so much. Letitia cries (I know, shocking isn't it?) that there are people who think she shouldn't have stayed. And to be fair, I do think that, but then I think that about all three of the finalists, who are some of the most mediocre models I've ever seen, even by this show's standards. Bloody Anita interviews that Letitia keeps scraping through and she doesn't understand how. Well, Bloody Anita, now you know how we felt having to put up with you for an entire series. I'm not proud of it, but I actually flipped the bird at my television at this point. I'm so glad that, one way or another, I am officially done with Bloody Anita after this episode.

There is an Elle mail waiting on the bed, which Bloody Anita reads: "Hello to my final three. Congratulations on getting this far - get a good night's sleep as tomorrow you'll have all eyes on you. Lots of love, Elle x" Oh, lots of love, is it now? Someone's getting a bit over-familiar.

The next day, hair and make-up people come to the penthouse to get the girls all styled up for their next assignment - but the final three don't actually know what they're doing. (Feel free to interpret that sentence as you see fit.) It is quite bonkers make-up, so it's obviously something high fashion. Emma interviews that Bloody Anita is her strongest competition, so she needs to watch out for her. Bloody Anita interviews that her biggest competition is Emma. Letitia just thinks she's competing against two really strong people. Gosh, it's almost like Letitia is some sort of underdog, isn't it? I wonder why they'd want us to think that about her. (Spoiler: she wins.)[I know that this isn't the home of logic, but Letitia has never had top photo. She's not an underdog. She's just... Well.. You know - Helen]

The girls troop out into a waiting car and are ferried to their next assignment: a rather lovely, but cold-looking beach. "I wish I'd brought a bigger coat," frets Bloody Anita. Elle turns up wrapped in a blanket and informs them all that they are at the Scarborough Bluffs, where they'll be doing a shoot inspired by Canada's rich history. I wonder if they'll be pretending it is actually Scarborough, given Canada's rich history of pretending to be other places for film and television locations. Elle continues that she's excited to be working with them on set, and that all the judges will be watching closely, so the girls must remember everything they've been taught over the last 12 weeks. I'm struggling to think what that might be, to be honest. All I can come up with is "don't squint" for Bloody Anita, "have smaller boobs" for Letitia and "look less like Letitia" for Emma. Still, it's all valuable advice, I suppose. They'll also be working with a horse called Sisco. Then Elle breaks the bad news: after this shoot, somebody will be going home.

Bloody Anita interviews that she can't believe this is the last photoshoot of the whole competition, and that she just wants to go further and win the whole thing. However, she cautions, if she doesn't produce a good picture here, she's going to be gone. She poses with Sisco. Elle reminds Bloody Anita of the importance of finding her light. The photographer asks for a little bit more expression. Tyson tells her not to be afraid to try something new. Bloody Anita responds to this by pretending the horse is a male model and getting all intimate with it. There's a lot to be said for playing to your strengths, right? Whitney thinks Bloody Anita looks a little rigid, but Julien thinks she still looks good. I can't believe Whitney Port of all people ended up being the voice of this blog as far as Bloody Anita is concerned; I feel slightly dirty about having this spiritual connection with her now [I'm still laughing that she called someone else rigid - Helen]. Elle goes over and physically places Bloody Anita into a pose. I feel like that really can't be a good thing at this stage of the contest. In the final few frames, Elle encourages Bloody Anita to do whatever she feels like; she does so, and the photographer reminds her to make sure it's feminine. The final few shots seem to impress, and Elle tells Bloody Anita she's very happy for her, and gives her the blanket. Bloody Anita interviews that she'll be annoyed if she leaves now and she doesn't think she should. She's clearly about to say "I'm the best one here" and stops herself just in time, replacing it with "I've been doing really well". Snerk.

The judges appraise Bloody Anita's work on the horsey shoot. Julien thinks that you'd never know that she doesn't know anything about fashion or modelling. He's impressed that she doesn't look cold. Whitney thinks Bloody Anita did amazing. Ly. Amazingly. God, why does everyone on television struggle with adverbs?

Commercials. Pretty much entirely cats, chocolate and make-up. Such is the life of a modern woman.

Emma is next, vowing that she doesn't want to go home, but she's feeling the pressure. Elle introduces Emma to the fit-for-the-1970s photographer, Gabor Jurina (who also shot the girls for the hypothetical Fashion magazine cover at Top 5, so it seems odd that they're pretending they've never met), and Gabor tells her to think goddess, princess, strong. Emma seems to get this pretty well, from the way she's posing. Again, Elle comes and moves her into position so perhaps it wasn't such a terrible thing when she did it to Bloody Anita. The wind appears to be in Emma's favour as well, catching her hair very well. Emma walks with the horse, and pets it on the nose. It looks like a decently diverse shoot, so well done Emma. She gets a group hug from the judges, and then gets her turn with the blanket. Emma interviews that it's a sad moment to have done her final shoot on the show, and hopes she's done enough to make the final two.

The judges look at her pictures, and Whitney thinks she looks gorgeous, and again you can't see the cold. Elle thinks there's an American Vogue feel to them, while Julien thinks Emma's taken on board all the criticism about being too quiet, and was really alive on the shoot.

Finally we have Letitia, who admits to feeling nervous with all the pressure and having just recently been in the bottom two. Gabor wants her to interact more with the horse, and Letitia's a little bit hesitant, with Whitney noting that if Letitia isn't being given step-by-step instructions, then she doesn't really know what to do. However, eventually there's a breakthrough - Elle thinks she's gorgeous, and Whitney says "you can't teach beauty, but you can teach how to model" - which is fair enough, but wasn't that the whole point of this show? Shouldn't Letitia be perhaps a little bit more knowledgeable at this point? Again, the wind cooperates and Letitia gets the money shot, the hug from Elle, and the blanket. Tyson gives her a piggyback back to the trailers, and Letitia interviews that she hopes she did well, but she thinks the others probably did better.

They look at her pictures - Whitney thinks that Letitia is stunning, but that she needs constant direction. Julien agrees, but he thinks that when the pictures are great, they're great. Whitney thinks she's the most unique-looking, and Elle says Letitia is somebody that she really wants to know.

The girls sit in what appears to be some sort of beach hut awaiting their fate. Letitia is close to tears. I really need a macro for that at this point.

The judges deliberate on the beach. Elle thinks Emma worked beautifully, and Julien thinks she was professional and natural and acted like a model, but Whitney thinks they mustn't forget that she hasn't always had the biggest personality in front of them. Julien: "Well, not everybody's got the personality of Tyson Beckford." AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Letitia was hard to work with, and Julien thinks she hasn't mastered the art of acting like a model, but Tyson thinks that can be taught. Yes, but SHE SHOULD HAVE LEARNT BY NOW. Why can they not hear me when I yell at the television? Why was Lisa sent home for "you keep doing the same thing with your face" but Letitia remains despite "you do not know how to model yet"? This show is so infuriating sometimes. Whitney thinks they  need to compare them to each other, and Letitia has the most natural beauty. Julien thinks they've found someone with the actual potential to be a supermodel. Finally, we have Bloody Anita, who is full of confidence, and Whitney thinks she looked great in person, but then going through the pictures: *pulls face*. Tyson thinks the poses were great, but the face wasn't great. Julien thinks she's unique and "exotic", which...choose your words carefully, Julien, I beg of you.

The top three stride over to meet with the judges, and Elle tells them they've reached a decision based on today's pictures. She mangles, "the first name of the girl I'm going to call is the girl who's gotten through to the final", and that girl is Emma. Emma is thrilled. Bloody Anita looks sick to her stomach. Hooray! And the second girl joining her in the final is...Letitia. Bloody Anita looks furious. HOORAY! Before the show aired, I genuinely thought Bloody Anita was going to win. I'd even pre-prepared the recap for this episode, which would have been "Bloody Anita wins, fuck this show forever, the end." So while I'm disappointed that now I actually have to do some work, at least the judges finally came to their senses and realised that Bloody Anita is at best a so-so model and sent her packing. If only they'd reached that conclusion about eight episodes ago, I'd have been much happier, but better late than never.

Anyway, Julien advances on Bloody Anita, arms outstretched zombie-fashion, and Bloody Anita sobs that she's gutted. Tee hee hee. She's loved the whole experience, and guarantees us that "you'll see me more". To be fair, love, you've been on Sky Living. I'm not sure it's possible to see you less. We recap Bloody Anita's portfolio which, Revlon shot aside, is atrocious, and she fades out, leaving us with Emma and Letitia. You know, the two girls who looked so alike that Julien told them there was only room for one of them in the competition. Well done Julien. *golf clap* [I enjoyed Anita's last minute bussing more than is decent. It was a wonderful thing - Helen]

Elle tells Emma and Letitia that the judges will be watching them closely tomorrow in their final runway for Pavoni. The twins giggle in an interview that they can't believe that they're the final two, and then they run off down the beach to twirl around with Julien.

It's night-time, and back at Model Hotel, Emma interviews that tomorrow is the biggest day of the whole thing, and they'll be taking part in a show with professional models that will determine the winner. Letitia interviews that she can't explain how much she wants this, and we see her practising her walk. She thinks that people who look like her don't get picked up by agencies, and that's why she's happy to be here. Emma practises her walk as well. Letitia interviews that Emma is tough competition, but people have told her that she's stronger at catwalk, so she might yet have the upper hand.

Commercials. It's odd when they have genuine fashion commercials on this show with real models in them, because it does make you look rather unfavourably at the contestants.

The next day, we see some shots of downtown Toronto, including a street sign that says "One Way Begins", which feels portentous somehow in this context. Letitia apparently slept in her bathrobe. The two finalists get dressed and head in the car to the Pavoni show. Upon arrival, they're greeted by produced Hans Koechling, who shows them to the ice-themed set. First things first, they have to practice by taking off their shows and getting on the runway. They do some walking practice backstage with assistant producer Warren Leacock, who gives Emma and Letitia a lesson in how to strengthen their spines - until he determines that he can't keep looking at Letitia because she has Hypno-Eyes or something. Letitia interviews that she feels nervous and pressured, and that she hopes it won't all get the better of her. Emma says that she's nervous, but she can't wait to get out there because the set and the dresses are amazing. Speaking of which, Emma and Letitia get styled up and then walk for Pavoni, alias Mike Derderian and Gianni Falcone, who look like they just walked off the set of Jersey Shore (incidentally, I'm not saying that this is not an important fashion brand, but if you google "Pavoni" the first page of results is almost entirely coffee machines). Letitia interviews with a chuckle that Emma has all the high-necked dresses, while she's got all the tits-out ones. Fancy that! Emma interviews that, given Letitia's previous criticism for being too sexy, being given all the booby dresses might turn out to be a hindrance. Gianni plays with Letitia's tits as he wrangles her into a dress. Letitia interviews that she has "a woman's figure", and that it's a big deal to have made it this far in the competition without a chest like an ironing board. Emma interviews that she keeps having outbursts of laughter, because she can't quite believe that she's here. I keep having outbursts of laughter, because I can't quite believe that Bloody Anita isn't. Champagne for everyone!

Backstage, Emma and Letitia chat with the real models. A friendly model tells them that the label is quite edgy, which requires a bit of speedy, whereas with gowns you can take your time a bit more. I'm transcribing that for all aspiring models reading this. This information is brought to you free of charge, because I'm nice like that.

The models line up for rehearsal, with Emma and Letitia at the front of the queue. Backstage manager Jeffrey O'Brecht tells them to take their time to avoid having an accident, and warns them to point their toes as they walk down stairs so that they can find the next step. Emma is thrilled that she's opening the show. She walks about, and Hans tells her that she needs her walk to be stronger. Letitia follows, and she gets much the same feedback. Backstage, Emma interviews that this is just the rehearsal, and it's still terrifying. Letitia struggles to find her mark on the catwalk. Afterwards, she gets cross that she slowed down when she was being told to speed up. Emma frets that all the dry ice makes it impossible to see where the steps are, so they're just going to have to guess. She and Letitia have a giggle about this backstage. I realise that they're hardly the two most exciting people in the competition, but it is quite nice to have a final two who genuinely seem to like each other.

Hans asks Warren for his first impression, and Warren practically sings "I love them!" Hans thinks Emma is great when she stops, but when she's walking, "you can't see it in her eyes". Letitia gave more later one, but it took a while to get her warmed up. I think we could've all predicted that outcome before they even arrived.

Make-up! More interviews along the lines of "I can't believe I made it this far". Letitia thinks they've both had interesting journeys, and when one's up, the other is usually down. Emma remembers how they've always been directly compared because of their looks. Letitia thinks it's all going to come down to the catwalk. With one hour to go before the show, people are arriving. Letitia is having trouble fitting into her dress, because boobs. Also, they spelt her name "Leticia" on the clothes rails. Last minute alterations are made, and the judges arrive. Whitney looks like she's dressed for a junior school disco; you think she'd have made a bit more of an effort. Elle thinks it'll be interesting to see how the audience respond to "our girls". It's a fashion show: the audience will respond to everything with studied indifference, surely?

The judges get a round of applause as they enter and take their seats (because this is definitely a real fashion now and not at all one that only exists for the purposes of this programme) and then the show begins. Emma enters, and has mastered a snooty Erin O'Connor look for the end of the catwalk. Letitia then follows, and her dress accentuates her chest to a terrifying degree. She looks rather rigid, I think. Backstage, Emma gets changed but is pleased the judges were cheering. Letitia frets that she tripped over a little bit, but she's got two more goes to get it right. Letitia takes her second turn on the catwalk and is a little but inelegant descending the stairs, and is saddled with a rather cheap-looking gold dress. Then Emma goes again in a rather nicer dress, but her walk is pretty stiff this time. Letitia gets changed backstage and is filmed pretty much naked with her hands over her norks. Classy! The same happens to Emma. It's time for the finale, in which they're wearing gowns and walking arm-in-arm with a male model. Letitia arrives first, and it appears that Emma is late because her partner is just stood there with his arm outstretched, looking a bit awkward. Someone is trying to attach some sort of bracelet to Emma until she realises she's meant to be onstage, swears, and runs on, with Jeffrey telling whoever-it-is just to leave the bracelet, or whatever it was. (I'm so informative.) As much as Emma's poor partner was made to look a bit daft, it sort of works in Emma's favour because all eyes on on her as she appears, so she gets to make a pretty impactful entrance. They walk alongside each other, and they both look pretty good, so it's a hard one to call. The judges give them a standing ovation, and Whitney declares herself "so impressed".

Final commercials. More chocolate and make-up.

When we return, the catwalk show is over, and Voice of Fearne informs us that there is a long wait in store for Letitia and Emma as the judges decide which of them will become BintModel. The judges stand on the catwalk, and Elle says it's difficult to know who their winner is, so they'll have to look over their body of work. I love how she pretends this is a spontaneous decision based on both girls being equally good, rather than something that happens at the end of every cycle across the franchise. Emma is first, and her first shot in Dubai gets rave reviews, with Elle thinking she looks like a young Brooke Shields. Also singled out for praise are her prison picture, and the everyone-wears-the-same-dress one in the launderette, where she received picture of the week. However, Whitney wasn't particularly fond of that one. Then we look at Niagara Falls, where Tyson criticises her lack of extension, but thinks it's a good shot. Finally, the horse shoot on the beach. Julien thinks she's totally professional, and came alive on the shoot. Elle thinks Emma has a model's body, so clothes always look great on her. They consider her work on the catwalk: Elle liked her confidence, and Julien thinks she made the dresses look expensive and desirable. Tyson thinks she owned it at the beginning, but lost it towards the end. Elle says that Emma looks and works like a Top Model, but is she a BintModel? Emma interviews that she's worked so hard, and wants the rest of her life to be like this.

Then we look over Letitia's portfolio. I'm not a big fan of her Dubai picture where she looks kind of angry, but Elle thinks her strength in the picture is impressive. Her jail shoot was too sexy, according to Whitney, but beautiful. Julien thinks she looks like a pop star, but that's what Elle loves about her. In the same-dress shoot, Julien thinks that sometimes she makes things look cheap, but Tyson has no problems with it. He also loved her Niagara Falls picture, but Elle thinks occasionally she's let down by her lack of experience. Finally, the horse on the beach shot, where historical revisionism now declares the Letitia was definitely the strongest in this shoot and needing "a little coercing", as opposed to the opinion at the time where Emma got first call out and everyone thought Letitia was exhausting to work with because she needed so much direction. I mean, it's not like I'm Team Emma or anything (Team Lisa always and forever), but it does feel a little bit like they're squeezing the facts to suit the narrative for a Letitia win here. Julien thinks she looks dark and sultry and romantic and tells a million stories. On the catwalk, she was all bust and minced along like the catwalk like a Hollywood superstar. Julien thinks Emma was like a catwalk model, while Letitia was like a glamour model. "Or! Letitia was like a supermodel," counters Elle. Julien pulls a face. Letitia interviews that she's ready for this, and she knows that the judges can see that in her.

Julien thinks that Emma has the full package, which the others disagree with. "Guys, you don't have to talk to be a model, you just have to look good," Julien says, correctly. The others are all temporarily possessed by Tyra Banks, who is appalled at Julien for going off-message and destroying nine years of carefully-honed bullshit and forces them all to say that you definitely need to talk to be a Top Model. Tyson thinks this is playing into the stereotype of models being dumb - which it isn't, because being quiet doesn't mean being stupid. Frequently, it means precisely the opposite. Whitney protests that Elle or Tyson would never have Made It To Where They Are Today if they didn't have "something up in here", and she doesn't mean their well-honed chests. Elle goes on about having star quality, and that energy that "comes from behind inside your heart, inside your soul" and that makes you a superstar, while the way you look is "just the means of transport". Sure, Elle. Whatever lets you sleep at night. Whitney thinks Letitia had "some pretty pictures" - but does she have the potential to do more. Elle thinks they need to take some time out before she knocks Julien's block off. Sorry, they need some time out to truly reflect on their decision.

An unspecified amount of time later, Emma and Letitia return in their mermaid gowns from the finale. Elle tells them they look beautiful, and they've been fantastic contestants, and that the winner's picture will be shown in ten seconds on the screen next to them. And the winner is...Letitia! Emma applauds for her politely. I realise a lot of people were unhappy with this outcome, and I'm not a huge fan of Letitia either, but it becomes much more pleasing when you think about just how furious Bloody Anita must have been when she found out. Fake snow falls on the catwalk, and Letitia cries (shocker) and hugs Elle. A slightly tearful Emma interviews that it would've been nice to win, but she'll have to settle for being second-best. She's gutted, but it's been an incredible experience and vows to go out there and find herself an agent. We see her portfolio scroll past, and it's pretty nice.

Letitia is overcome, and impressed that these "supermodels and amazing designers" think she has the potential to have a great career. The judges congratulate themselves on their excellent decision making, while Elle muses that Letitia will form her own path in the industry and they "broke the mould" by choosing her. Letitia celebrates being BintModel, and we see her back in London going to see her family, intercut with her highlights from the series. She tells them that she is BintModel, and they're all thrilled. Letitia's mum cries. Well, the apple didn't fall far from that tree.

Next week: a where-are-they-now show telling us what happened to everyone from the first seven cycles, which is curiously not trailed by the continuity announcer. Perhaps nothing happened to them. Anyway, we'll find out with Helen next week, and I'll see you next year if we decide we can put ourselves through this all again. 

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Bussin' Lisa Blues

Top Four – 24th September 2012

I’ve got a bit of a confession to make, readers, since this show has been systematically getting rid of anyone even vaguely interesting I’ve been finding it quite hard to muster up any enthusiasm for the show.  Sure, it’s been functional, but it seems that they’ve taken the worst parts of the last two series’ rather than the best and used them to make a programme that is quite possibly turning out to be the dullest thing ever. Don’t even get me started on Bloody Anita. [Look on the bright side - at least this is your last recap of the series. Muggins here got stuck with the final. - Steve]

So, anyway. Last week, Risikat basically got the chop because reasons and Anita and Letitia were big fat cry babies. BE DA ONE I REBECCA LOOS!

We begin with some Torontoporn and Lisa interviewing about how hard it was being in the bottom two then talking some tripe about the competition being really tough now and it only takes one slip up to go. OOH (SPOILER) FORESHADOWING. Bloody Anita then does some sub-Joy speech about Risikat’s exit meaning that there’s one less girl in the competition. Bloody Anita, you are not fit to shine Joy’s Ugg boots so don’t even try to be her.  You’re rubbish at it. Emma is understandably confused as to her previous feedback about her personality not cutting it so she’s going to work on it.  Bloody Anita interviews that she was surprised Letitia got through after her performance.  Letitia wants to prove she deserves to be there. Spoiler honey, you’re never going to do that. Lisa then interviews that she thought Letitia had run out of chances. Lisa is basically the voice of the viewer.  Letitia then gives Bloody Anita dirty looks behind her back. She’s still there!

Slightly creepy shot of the girls apparently sleeping in their hotel rooms and the curtains automatically opening. I’m concerned the cameraman is watching them sleep. I’m sure this wasn’t what they were going for but this is what’s coming across. Emma interviews that it was nice to relax with a bit of ice hockey.  And she wonders why they don’t like her. Bloody Anita puts her make up on in the car “for the lads”. It’s like BixMix died for NOTHING.

They arrive at the ice hockey place and are disgusted to be wearing smelly clothes. Bloody Anita says that she normally likes the smell of men, but not today. BECAUSE SHE’S A SLUT REMEMBER? She interviews that she was made to play ice hockey against the professionals. Letitia calls this exercise and learning how to socialise again.  Lisa interviews with obvious glee that Bloody Anita kept falling over. I can see how she would enjoy that.  All Bloody Anita is interested in is that two men picked her up and claims that she would have gotten herself a sense of balance had she had all day to practice. Hmm. We see the girls pretending to play ice hockey.  Lisa then bizarrely interviews that her and Bloody Anita are BEST MATES EVER since they were paired in the flying photoshoot and that she loves her. I used to have respect for Lisa. Hang your head, lady. [I like that this friendship which has apparently existed ALL SERIES has only manifested now. Especially since the reason Lisa gave for picking Anita to share her challenge win last week was because Anita hadn't won anything yet, rather than actually admitting to liking her. - Steve] We then see Anita flirting with the hockey players in the manner of a ten year old boy pulling a girls hair. Bloody Anita interviews that Emma and Letitia are only friends with each other because they have no other friends and they’re not proper friends like her and Lisa. Fuck off Bloody Anita. Seriously. It’s looking like you’re going to win this and it KILLS ME so the least you can do is shut up. Bloody Anita doesn’t see Emma as competition and she’s unmemorable. Emma says she’s had fun but it’s back to work tomorrow.

The girls return to the penthouse for an Elle Mail. “Hello girls, when you’re a top model you’re always judged by your style, so it’s time to put your fashion knowledge to the test. Love, Elle”. Bloody Anita confesses to having no fashion knowledge at all. Lisa thinks that the challenge might have something to do with style. I have never facepalmed harder. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD ONE, LISA. Letitia thinks it could go anywhere and is hoping to win it. Her confidence has returned and she’s back. She tells the girls the same over dinner. She’s wanted to be the best since she was a little girl, predictably. Lisa interviews that she’s not as close with Letitia as the others and this isn’t Letitia’s fault. BOKAY THEN. They just don’t click. Bloody Anita thinks Letitia is clever and only pretends to be nice and she doesn’t like people like that. Well, hate yourself, Anita.

The challenge of the day becomes clear as we see Jeanne Beker talking to camera the next morning. Jeanne is a fashion journalist and presenter so I’m guessing that the girls will be doing something along those lines.  Yes, she introduces them on camera. Lisa explains Jeanne is big in Canada. Letitia thinks that she knows everyone in Canada. Jeanne tells the girls that their challenge will be walking the streets of Toronto and look at the real people and ask them about their sense of style. 

Coming up! Emma doesn’t know who Karl Lagerfeld is and Whitney has “a line”. Adverts! I don’t know what to think about Lana Del Ray now it seems she has a modicum of self awareness.

We’re back. Lisa interviews that the challenge was twofold. First, being interviewed about fashion and secondly, interviewing others about fashion. Jeanne starts with Letitia and asks her what boho chic is. I know NOTHING about fashion and I know what that means. Letitia, unsurprisingly, looks blank. She interviews that she didn’t know she would be asked about fashion. She hasn’t heard of Michael Kors either.  Lisa fares a little better by going on about how great she thinks Henry Holland is. Bloody Anita is asked to talk about her love of style. She interviews that she could either try and wing it and potentially stuff up or she could just be honest about the fact she’s an idiot. She goes for the latter and tells Jeanne that she loves fashion but she doesn’t know anything about it.

Emma not only hasn’t heard of Karl Lagerfeld, she hasn’t heard of Valentino or Martin Margella either. She confesses that it didn’t go well. Jeanne hands her the microphone and tells her to talk to people whose look she likes. Having been given a challenge where she has to use a modicum of her own judgement she immediately flounders and stands in the middle of the street looking lost. Lisa points this out in her interview.   Lots of people don’t stop for her. When someone does, she asks them what they were thinking when they got up that morning. Unfortunately, the lady doesn’t punch her, merely politely replies that she thought she might need a jumper in the cold. She then calls her scarf a handy piece.

Letitia doesn’t fare much better and is ignored in droves. She finds a bloke to talk to and Lisa says “oh look! She’s talking to a maaaaaan” in a way that no friend of Anita’s ever should.  Letitia asks the man why he chose his outfit. His answer was that they were cheap.  Letitia just giggles at this.  She asks him about his influences and he says Bill Cunningham, Jean Luc Goddard and Quentin Tarantino. Letitia hasn’t heard of any of those “designers”. (One is a photographer and two are directors, fact fans). Lisa asks Jeanne if she’s heard of them.  The man thinks that anyone with half a brain must have at least heard of Quentin Tarantino. He clearly doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Letitia says that she has but crumbles when pressed. How depressing.

Bloody Anita also fails face first.  Nobody wants to talk to her. When someone does shop she asks them if their outfit is what they would normally wear shopping. They say yes then a tumbleweed goes past. She then asks what the lady’s favourite colour is. She says blue. This is prime time television. NEXT!

Lisa is shown to fare a little better as the first person that she asks stopped. She tells them how much she likes their outfits and asks them what they call their style. Obviously, because they’re hipster arseholes, their look is ‘peasant glam’.  Jeanne is pleased with Lisa and calls her a star.

Feedback time! Jeanne likes Bloody Anita’s spirit and the fact that she was honest about the fact that she was denser than anti-matter.  She thinks Emma has naivetĂ© when it comes to fashion and she needs to believe that she’s passionate. So it’s ok for Bloody Anita? She can feel that Lisa is fascinated by fashion and thinks that Letitia is clueless about fashion and popular culture in general. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. The winner of the challenge will be made over and is going out on the town with an Extra Special Celebrity called Shenae Grimes. The winner is obviously Lisa, probably because she’s the only one that could name a designer. She’s allowed to bring someone with her so she chooses Emma. She says that she wanted to choose her best friend Bloody Anita but she did that last week so now it’s Emma’s turn. Bloody Anita maintains that she should have picked her because she’s more fun. Yes Anita, every girl loves that friend that they go out with that ignores you all night in favour of making eyes at boys.  Jeanne tells them not to be afraid and never give up.

Lisa and Emma get ready and Bloody Anita sarcastically interviews that this is just GREAT because she gets to spend more time with Letitia and she doesn’t know what she will talk to her about.  Emma and Lisa arrive and meet Shenae Grimes. She congratulates them on winning the challenge and tells them how exciting it is to meet her.  Apparently Shenae knows Jeanne as she used to be her intern. Emma and Lisa pretend to like her. [Christ, Shenae Grimes. I always thought the reason she was super-annoying on 90210 was because the character was dreadful, but now she seems gratingly insincere in real life as well. I think I'd rather have taken my chances with Anita and Letitia. - Steve]

Back at the penthouse, Bloody Anita wants to “make a cheers” to her and Letitia and they hilariously pretend that they are the top two and they can’t remember them. Letitia suggests one of them is called Bland. Shenae asks the other two who they would like to get rid of, they say Letitia because she doesn’t want it as much. Back with the other two, they think it’s weird that they are getting on so decide to create some drama by jumping in the hot tub.  Shenae hands Lisa and Emma an Elle mail and by the magic of television, Letitia and Bloody Anita get theirs at the same time. It reads “Hello girls, tomorrow it’s time to head to the stunning lakes. Make sure your photo is as beautiful as the location, love Elle.” Shenae wants to know if they’ve ever been to the lakes as it’s her favourite thing about being a Canadian. Shenae pretends it was nice to meet them and they go home.

At the crack of dawn the next day, the girls travel to the lakes. They arrive in T-shirts even though it’s clearly freezing and are met by Julien standing on a pier. He welcomes them and tells them that they will be doing a shoot for Call It Spring. They are an international footwear and accessories brand that’s coming to the UK soon. Apparently, the brand is playful, energetic, young and engaging and the girls have to encompass this whilst wearing shoes to their full potential. He sends them off to hair and makeup and wishes them luck. Who wants a montage?

They are doing the same ridiculous thing as they did last year by sending the girls down a long path, interviewing them halfway down then filming them walking to the set. It’s ridiculous. Emma is up first. She blathers on about how wonderful the location is and says how nervous she is and she doesn’t want the nerves to get the better of her. Today’s FitPhotographer is only moderately fit. His name is Francesco Garcia.  Julien introduces them. Emma does her shoot with Julien shouting at her, telling her to give it more eyes and less armpit. He then asks her to think about what Elle would do which is strong and confident and he tells her to relax, which always works.  Julien is finally happy and the photographer tells her she’s easy to work with. Emma interviews that she thinks it went well (lie detector beep) and having Julien there was really helpful (beepbeepbeep) and he gave her lots of encouragement (BEEEPEEEEPEEPEPEEPEPEPBPEPE  *BLOWS UP*) . Julien thinks she must have been very nervous and hopes that there’s at least one picture.

Coming up – Kelly Cutrone!  Adverts! Very few things in this world irritate me like Keira Knightly does.

When we return, it’s Lisa’s turn to do the long walk.  Her mid-point thought for the day is that out of everyone, she’s got the most impressing to do. She arrives on set  and is put on the end of the jetty. Julien’s feedback amounts to calling her cheesy and telling her well done when she’s finished. The photographer likes her energy. Lisa hopes she’s pulled it off. Julien is obviously pleased with her and thinks that she could win it, but she was in the bottom two last week so who knows.

Letitia’s turn. She says she’s feeling good despite the nerves and having  Julien there is adding pressure because it could go either way because of his influence at judging [ahahahaha! – Everyone ever]. When she gets on set,  Julien stops the whole thing because the dress isn’t working for her. He tells her not to lose confidence over it. Letitia isn’t bothered, because the changing time gave her more time to get it together.  She giggles a bit and Julien tells her to take it serious.  He hugs her. Letitia reiterates that she appreciated the extra time. Julien agrees she’s beautiful but he expected more from her at this point of the competition and she was still a bit giggly for his liking. But, as he reminds us, she only needs one good picture.

Finally, Bloody Anita.  What, pray tell are your words of wisdom? They are that it is an important photo shoot and she hopes that the judges will continue seeing what they’ve been seeing in her. At this point, The Flood starts up and I can only imagine that the combination of this and Bloody Anita made my co-blogger Steve explode with Rage. Julien wants BA to do it quickly before the weather changes and tells her that he will be rooting for her.  Julien gives her no feedback outside of whooping. The photographer thinks she killed it, Anita gave it her all and feels like she’s on the top of her game and she can win. Julien is impressed that she braved the cold and didn’ t moan, which is akin to complimenting the clothes on an ugly baby.

At the lake, they receive the Elle mail of DOOM “hello girls, I hope you are enjoying the beautiful lake but for one of you it will be the last night of the competition. I’ll see you at elimination. Love, Elle”. Bloody Anita remarks that it could be anyone. Lisa interviews that this is the most nervous she’s ever been before elimination because she was in the bottom two last week. Letitia is also nervous because it’s anyone’s game and she’s freaking out.  Emma doesn’t know how to change her entire personality type and Bloody Anita wants photo of the week again and isn’t prepared to let anyone beat her.


Backstage at elimination, we get to meet Kelly Cutrone who is apparently a fashion publicist. She’s here just as the girls in Britain think they are safe. I like her already. Elle welcomes them all to judging and introduces the judges.  Kelly Cutrone is also apparently a fashion producer and is one of the new judges on ANTM.  Elle recaps that their week was exciting and they had to stand out in an outstanding location. I see what you did there Elle. I wish you hadn’t.

Emma first. She looks nervous as her mediocre picture comes up. She’s asked what she thinks. She thinks she doesn’t look like her. Elle thinks she looks like a 1930’s movie star. Julien remarks that she was super professional  in the shoot and it was good to see her like that. Whitney doesn’t think it’s her best shot but it’s pretty. Kelly reminds Emma that her job is to sell what she’s wearing and she’s not doing that.

Letitia next. Her picture is sub Top Shop. Whitney likes it even though it’s tense and awkward.  This makes everyone chortle. Whitney says her face tells the story of what the shoes are selling. Can we keep Whitney away from Julien please? Kelly thinks it’s rigid and mature and she doesn’t look like a young woman.  Tyson doesn’t think she looks like her and there’s too much tension in the body.  Julien thinks her face can tell a million stories and he thanks god that she has a fantastic face. Julien was shocked that she didn’t know how to perform as a model and wonders if it’s the right time for her, which is clearly a big ruse to try and make her cry. She disagrees and says that it’s totally the right time for her, even though she gets upset sometimes and she can get over criticism with her strong head and willpower. She’s got the drive to take her to the end. Kelly tells her that having bad days is part of being a model . Kelly doesn’t know she has these every day though.

Lisa is dragged in front of the lions and is congratulated for being the only one that knows that clothes exist outside of what you can buy on the high street.  Her picture is fine. Elle thinks that Lisa is gorgeous but she’s not gorgeous in the picture, “babe”.  Lisa and the nation reply “REALLY?” and Elle drops the bomb that Lisa has the same face in every picture. WELL PARDON YOUR FACE, LISA.  Really? Is that where we’re going with this?  Tyson thinks it’s good because she’s selling the shoes. Julien thinks she brought enthusiasm and energy to the shoot but her body looks awkward in the photo. [Then isn't it Julien's job as the judge who as AT THE FUCKING SHOOT to point this out to her at the time when she's got a chance to do something about it? FUCK'S SAKE. - Steve] Whitney then goes on that she’s pouty in front of them and she should change her face for the photograph and smile more. She needs to be conscious of her bone structure and play with it. How exactly, Whitney? With a MALLET?  Kelly then goes on to say that Lisa is very beautiful in person and ANITA PULLS A FACE. Seriously, stewards enquiry now, WHY THE ACTUAL FRICK IS SHE STILL HERE? Why are we tossing Lisa under the bus marked “having a face” when we could be getting rid of her? Kelly goes on to say that Lisa has beautiful eyes and that she’s a sexy vortex into which she’s being drawn (in a non creepy way) but that isn’t coming across in her pictures. She’s a vortex and her photo is two dimensional. Err, that’s what a photo is. I can’t even argue. [I'm not a huge Kelly Cutrone fan, but I am very keen on using the phrase "sexy vortex" in my day-to-day conversation. - Steve]

Pointless mid judging ad break...

Finally, saint Anita’s turn.  Her picture is like something you’d see on the end of the aisle at Asda.  Whitney is upset because she likes it from the neck down and anyone would want to look like that but her face is strained.  Anita says she didn’t realise she was squinting. She’s not squinting in the picture. She looks like herself - a gormless try hard.  Julien thinks it’s a girl with confidence, it’s Betty Boo (I don’t see the Alison Clarkson resemblance), it’s pin up girl, she’s wearing shoes, she has legs and she’s posing so she’s clearly a model with fashion experience. Kelly thinks that if she got that shot she’d have a problem with it and that she’d probably hire her and be disappointed.  Tyson doesn’t think it’s that bad because she looks young and fresh and is wearing the shoes.

Elle then says that she’s dreading judging because she doesn’t know who to send home. They’ll be looking at the body of work, their attitude and what they’re like in person. DRAMATIC MUSIC.

Emma first. Julien thinks she’s beautiful and looks like a model. She’s totally professional and she could have a career. Elle thinks she has a quiet confidence and has remained stoic whilst the other girls have unravelled a bit. Whitney thinks she’s the least interesting from a casting perspective and the least unique.  Julien thinks she’s a money girl whatever that is, she’s versatile and he doesn’t care whether she’s bored because she looks great. Tyson agrees. Elle wonders if she delivers and Whitney thinks she only delivers in photos and everything else about her is boring. Kelly thinks the photo is beautiful and even though she may be a money maker she might not make the money. Whatever that means.

Elle then announces that she doesn’t know at all who is going home which means that she totally does. They move on to Letitia. Whitney doesn’t like the tension in the torso and they may be getting bamboozled by her beauty as she’s still there despite being a bit rubbish.  Kelly thinks she’s a beautiful young woman but she doesn’t seem like a model and her beauty doesn’t come across in photos. Elle thinks that she’s the girl who makes jaws drop when she walks in the room.  Kelly thinks that this would just be straight guys but Elle says it’s everyone and now she’s grown in confidence she seduces the entire room. If  Julien had to put money on it he would say that Letitia was the girl with the most potential but Kelly thinks the boobies are a problem when it comes to samples.

It’s time for the further carving up of Lisa.  Tyson wishes she would do more as she’s not giving everything to them yet. He, Kelly and Whitney agree that she’s a one trick pony.  Whitney thinks that all her other photos and challenge wins to not align with the photo she has taken this week.  Elle disagrees and thinks that even with all the support but isn’t making it in the “diversification” stakes. Is that even a word? A quick Google tells me it’s a banking term. She’s not bringing it to the table enough for the stage of the competition. Kelly thinks she’s a one trick pony and the trick isn’t good enough.

Can Anita do the tricks? Apparently so. Everyone has now decided that her picture is the best and Kelly goes back on what she said five whole minutes ago and pretends that she would hire her despite the stress on her face because she’s got the extra something. Julien says that she’s the only one that would fit into his clothes because she has a model body. They leave it there. [If that's the case, why are the others even in the competition? How is this something you only notice at top four? - Steve]

Just as an aside, I’ve been racking my brains to understand why they’re pushing Anita to win so hard. I’m guessing Company magazine is behind it. I can see the Jade agenda last year but this year the Anita agenda seems to have come in quite late. Any ideas? [I honestly doubt Company has that much sway, but Revlon/Miss Selfridge might. Company only have her on the cover for a month, but the sponsors are stuck with the winner for a year. Remember, young girls can relate to Anita! Just like Little Mix! *vomits all down front* - Steve]

Back to the judging, the girls settle in while the decision making goes into the night. Letitia is upset that Julien questioned her readiness. The judges are arguing about someone that Whitney seems to be sticking up for.  Elle says that they’re hearing her and she has a magical face. We don’t find out who Whitney would never have represent her line.  A decision is made and the girls return.

Elle has four individual beauties in front of her, but only three can continue. Picture of the week goes to Anita. I can’t even.  She can’t believe it. [NEITHER CAN I. - Steve] Next through is Emma, leaving Letitia and Lisa who hold hands. Emma tells Anita that she almost had a heart attack and Anita asks what happened. OH MY GOD. Elle tells Letitia and Lisa that they may have noticed that deliberation was long. This was because they love them both and they should be proud of their work. She’s going to call the name of the one that is through. It’s Letitia who immediately starts crying.  She can’t believe it. [NEITHER CAN I. - Steve]

So the last remaining tolerable girl is going home. Elle knows that she’s going to do well and Lisa says she’ll keep the haircut. Lisa interviews that she’s gutted but she knew that the bus was coming for her full throttle and being in the bottom two again was then end of the road for her. She’s proud of herself but feels like her heart has been ripped out. She’s pleased for the other girls and she’ll never forget her time as it was the best of her life. She fades from the picture and it gets a little less awesome.

So, there we have it. The worst final three in the history of the universe.  Fearne recaps them for us. Anita the scrappy who has fought her way to the top from starting at the bottom. Emma, the classic beauty who has had to ‘battle’ being quiet or Letitia who has never had picture of the week.  Join Steve next week to find out which of these three will be crowned but prepare, if Anita wins he’s not going to be a happy bunny...

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Don't go chasing waterfalls

Top 5: 17th September 2012

Previously on BintModel: arachnophobia, the last word in suspense. Also the last word in Roxanne's modelling career, because she was sent home while everyone else got to go to Canada, eh? Bunch of hosers. (That's the absolute last stereotypical Canadian joke I will make, I promise.)

Titles: are you what I'm looking for? Is it a curlicue? (My boyfriend thinks the theme tune is wretched. I still think, despite its faults, it's the best one they've managed so far. I mean, the one they used for cycles three through five sounded like they'd ripped off the theme from Night And Day, for fuck's sake.)

Back at Model Manor: everyone is very excited to be going to Canada. "We've been to Dubai, then Paris and now Canada," says Lisa - and no disrespect to Canada, but when you put it like that, it does sound a bit like diminishing returns, doesn't it? Risikat interviews that making it to the top five proves that she was totally right for following her instincts all along. I love that as a perspective on the world, so if Anita wins this year, I'm assuming that proves I was wrong to decide to go ahead and recap this cycle. Letitia (who needs to learn not to talk while giggling because I had to go back and listen to this bit three times before I had a bloody clue what she was saying) vows that she will prove to the Canadians that Letitia is back. Bloody Anita wonders if the modelling world in Canada is different from that of Europe. Well, I'm guessing there are fewer Europeans and more Canadians, for starters. Risikat says that they'll soon find oot. Er, "out".

Everyone departs Model Manor for the final time, and presumably nothing amusing happens at the airport because the next thing we know we're in Toronto. Lisa interviews that upon arrival, they "literally" got into a limo. As opposed to...? Nobody knows where they're going yet, but they're all very much enjoying the Canadian scenery. Emma interviews that they saw a huge building - the CN Tower, to be precise - and that is indeed their destination. Upon arrival, they're shepherded into a lift which goes up the outside of the building and has windows to allow them all to see how far they're going up. Bloody Anita starts to look queasy, and anything that upsets her is good with me, so I am very pro-Canada so far. When they reach the peak and get out from the lift, there is a screen with Elle Mail waiting for them. Elle welcomes them to Toronto and informs them it's time to get down to business. Being a model, she continues, is one of those jobs where people will constantly ask you to do unreasonable things and fire you if you refuse (I may be paraphrasing slightly here) so today's challenge is designed to see how well they cope under pressure. Elle wants to see who can strut their stuff around the edge walk of the CN Tower. Letitia's reaction to this is such a burlesque of actual human emotion - she inhales so hard that I'm surprised she doesn't end up with a gobful of Anita's hair. Also, just to shit them up even more, Elle reminds them that they are 1168ft up in the air.

Bloody Anita immediately gets the vapours and declares that she's not doing it. Gosh, I wonder if this will ultimately result in Anita "conquering" her "fears" and having a really great journey to relate to everyone at panel, in exactly the same way that she did last week? She runs around like Marge Simpson on an aeroplane all "IDONTWANNADOITIDONTWANNADOITIDONTWANNADOIT" and shakes off all attempts at reassurance from the others, because this is Anita's Camera Time and no one else is getting a look in. Lisa reminds her that the whole point of this is about getting over a fear, and Bloody Anita snits that she doesn't want to get over her fear. Fine, then quit the competition. Good riddance. Meanwhile, in the background, Risikat is laughing. Team Risikat, anyone? In an interview, Risikat points out that no one was actually telling Bloody Anita that she had to do the challenge, but she just kept yelling "I'm not doing it! I'm not doing it!" anyway. Risikat has so got Bloody Anita's number, hasn't she? [The comment of 'I don't want to cry on camera AGAIN' tells you all you need to know - Helen]

Bloody Anita cries in the toilets and then CONVENIENTLY HAS AN EPIPHANY that if she doesn't do the shoot, she'll be letting herself down. We're going to get this every week until the final, aren't we? Perhaps next week she'll develop a sudden, debilitating fear of photographers. Or lights. Or Elle Macpherson. Everyone gets suited up in unflattering jumpsuits and attached to some cables, and taken up in the a lift to the dangling-off point. Emma, incidentally, is quite excited about the whole challenge, and wastes no time in getting going once they're up there. Bloody Anita, having had her convenient epiphany, then of course has an inconvenient relapse when she actually has to walk out and starts wibbling about how she doesn't want to do it. I mean, I get fear of heights, I really do, but she is firmly attached to a very secure-looking cable and she is also NOWHERE NEAR THE FUCKING EDGE, for crying out loud. Eventually, Emma has to come back and hold Anita's hand as she goes around, pointing out that they are "as safe as being on the pavement". Probably safer, considering they're significantly less likely to be hit by a car up there.

The rather contrived "modelling" aspect of all this, incidentally, is that they have to lean back off the edge of the walkway while letting go of the cable and deliver the line "everywhere's a catwalk in Canada; take yourself to dizzy new heights". Everyone manages to do this, apart from Anita who kind of lurks back near the wall and says it while grimacing. Bloody Anita interviews that the others were probably all really happy that she was so afraid, because it made them look better, and that if the situation had been reversed, she probably would have tried to talk them out of doing it at all. She really is the actual worst, isn't she? [Yes - Helen]

Once that's all over and they're all back on terra firma, they get back into the limo and head off to their next destination. Risikat attempts to say something about what they've just been doing and of course Bloody Anita interrupts, so Risikat hits back: "thanks for talking over me, bitch. Put your point across, because it's obviously more important than mine." TEAM RISIKAT. They're deposited at a fancy building, the Soho Metropolitan Hotel, where all the celebrities have stayed. Not just Canadian celebrities like Avril Lavigne and Carly Rae Jepsen, you understand, but real celebrities like Madonna and Beyoncé. They're going to stay in the fabulous three-storey penthouse. Oddly enough, Anita's fear of heights does not kick in again upon learning this. Isn't that just the darnedest thing? The penthouse is, admittedly, kickass and everyone wonders if this is what their lives will be like if they win. I'm going to hazard a guess: no.

After an ad break, it's another bright sunny day in Toronto and the girls are sitting around in their robes when a butler comes to deliver them an Elle Mail, which Risikat reads: "Hi Girls, I hope you enjoyed your first day in Toronto, but now it's time to get back to model business as today you'll be meeting some of Canada's leading fashion experts. You leave in 30 minutes, and remember it's all about first impressions. Love Elle x" Risikat wonders what fashion experts means. I like that she's been on the show this long and still doesn't have a clear picture of such a thing in her head. I feel that speaks volumes.

They head to Elite Toronto where they meet the director Matti Gidilevich and its president Alecia Bell. Lisa is first to have her portfolio and walk examined. The others are taken off into a separate room to stew, and Bloody Anita frets about walking for them, while Letitia wishes she'd brought better heels. Seriously, did it not cross anyone's mind that they might be asked to walk? You are being APPRAISED AS MODELS, for fuck's sake. They're not going to ask you for your thoughts on the global economy or the US election, are they?

Alecia asks Lisa what sort of career she wants to have, and Lisa says she wants to do edgy editorial, but she'd be willing to do anything. She walks for them, and Alecia thinks she has great energy and personality, but she'd like to see that personality come out more in her pictures. Back in the stewing room, Letitia thinks very hard about which of her two catwalks to do. Emma suggest that she does a sophisticated one. Excellent backhanded burn on Letitia's other catwalk style there, which I'm assuming Emma categorises as Letitia's "underclass" walk. Risikat goes in next, and says that she has done some modelling (I assume she means prior to the competition), but she doesn't think it gave her any "benefit". I wonder if she means "advantage" here, or if she's just picking a really bad time to criticise the modelling industry as a whole. Alecia loves Risikat's Revlon shot, and Matti likes her versatility, that she can do beauty and also edginess. After she leaves, however, he thinks her walk needs tightening.

Emma goes in next, and is asked for her age and her height. She walks for Matti and Alecia, and Alecia tells her that she has "a beautiful beauty face" but that at 5'8", she's a little on the short side for booking catwalk shows. After she goes, Matti thinks she's more of a print and beauty girl. Anita goes in, and her walk is shit so she has to do it again. They like it better the second time, and Matti thinks she might be the dark horse of the competition. In that she's totally pony, perhaps. Finally, Letitia goes in, and is asked if she's modelled professionally before (she hasn't). Alecia asks her to walk for them and Letitia's immediately all "IF IT'S SHIT I'M REALLY SORRY", which I'm sure creates an excellent first impression. Alecia likes the confidence in her eyes, and her energy, and Matti thinks that as she matures (yeah, that'll happen) Letitia will grow in confidence.

The second go-see takes them to a warehouse, where a psychopath is waiting for them with a chainsaw. No, just kidding: it's actually Bernadette Morra, editor of the imaginatively-titled Fashion magazine. They're going to do "a cover try" today, and there's no hair and make-up beyond what the girls can quickly sort out for themselves beforehand. "This is actually tough," whispers Lisa to Risikat, conspiratorially. Bloody Anita goes first, and the photographer Gabor Jurina seems impressed, though Bernadette observes that "what's really concerning me is the face". Ha! Unfortunately she only means that Anita isn't smiling, which she eventually manages to do. Letitia goes next and gets off to a good start, though Bernadette gets worried when Letitia's attempts at a sexy pose become "another magazine, not ours". Gabor reminds Letitia that her target market is women. Lisa is not given the wind machine because of her hair, and Gabor likes her smile, but he and Bernadette want her to smile rather than pout. Backstage, Lisa predicts that they'll love Emma because she has a gorgeous smile (at this point, I officially declare Lisa far too nice a person to be on this show) and she's pretty much on the money with that one. Finally, Risikat who also gets a good reception, and Bernadette loves her "natural giggle".

Results time: Anita didn't give them the smile they wanted, Letitia has a "California athleticism" about her which isn't right for their product, Lisa had good body awareness and got that it was about a cover, Emma has a million dollar smile but just needs to work in front of the mirror on her body shape, and Risikat did a great job and has won the challenge. She's won some new clothes from Pink Tartan, whatever that is.

Back at the apartment, a rack of clothes awaits Risikat, and on one of the hangers is an Elle Mail, which Lisa reads: "You've already tasted the heights of Toronto, now it's time to experience the Falls." Bloody Anita, because she's an idiot, thinks this means bungee jumping rather than the more obvious link of Niagara Falls.

Adverts. I love that a commercial for the DVD of Glee season three on a Sky channel promotes it as being "uninterrupted!" Way to endorse your own scheduling decisions, Sky.

Early the next morning, the girls get up and get in the car to head to Niagara Falls, which looks awesome. Emma interviews that it's like a dream place - the sort of thing you hear about but never imagine you'll actually get to see. After being dropped off by their driver, they're met by Whitney, who's with their client for the day, creative director at Miss Selfridge, Yasmin Yusuf. Yasmin tells them they're there to shoot the Autumn/Winter campaign, and sends them off to hair and make-up. Lisa interviews that she's nervous, because it's a job for a massive client, while Anita frets that Whitney is the one overseeing things because she's the one who keeps calling her out for being squinty. Also, there are some nice close-ups of Tresemme products to keep the sponsors happy.

Bloody Anita goes first, and photographer Chris Nicholls tells her that she's looking a little worried and needs to keep her look strong. Anita bitches again that Whitney is "not my biggest fan", but is surprised that Whitney is being nice to her. Imagine that: Anita struggling to understand the concept of "basic professionalism". After Anita goes, Whitney tells Yasmin that Anita has always shown tension in her face and that's one thing they've been hard on her about, so hopefully they'll find a photo where it is less of a problem.

Letitia is next and most of her poses look fucking dreadful, but Whitney and the photographer seem to like them, so who really cares what I think? She also appears to be dressed like some sort of pearly queen hooker. I genuinely don't know what the point of this shoot is, if it even has one. At one point she gets soaked by the water. Afterwards, Emma suspects that someone more naturally high-fashion like Lisa may be at an advantage here.

Let's see, shall we? Yasmin loves Lisa's figure, and Whitney and Yasmin really like what she's doing for the shoot. I think she looks a little stiff, but I guess at least she's stiff in an editorial way? (It's times like this when I wish I actually knew anything at all about fashion.) Whitney and Yasmin think she was amazing - Yasmin even says "French Vogue eat your heart out." Lisa interviews that it's every girl for herself at this point.

Risikat is next, dressed like a minor villain from one of The Mummy films and Yasmin and Whitney think she needs to do stronger poses. Risikat admits she started to panic at that point, and Chris tells her that it's looking a little casual. She gets a few decent shots by the end, but Yasmin says later that she'd be worried doing a full shoot with Risikat because she'd really have to work with her. Yes, imagine that, the horror of actually having to do some work. Whitney says that even if you're not excited, you have to pretend to be excited. I think that's what the directors told her before each episode of The Hills.

Finally, we have Emma who says that she felt better every time she looked at the water. Well, I guess that's as good a strategy as any. She gets good feedback from the photographer and from Whitney, who thinks Emma is stronger in photographs than in person and gave a lot of variety.

Shoot over, Whitney arrives in the holding room and says that the girl who they think performed the best gets a helicopter ride around Niagara Falls with a friend, and that girl is Lisa. Lisa picks Anita to accompany her, "because she hasn't won a challenge yet and stuff". I love that. Not because she likes her, not because she deserves it - Anita gets to go out of pity. Letitia interviews that Lisa winning this challenge is a big deal because it means she'll be going straight through this week. OR DOES IT? (Spoiler: it doesn't.)

Lisa and Bloody Anita go up in the helicopter, and of course Bloody Anita is terrified the whole time even though they're only about six feet off the ground most of the time. Bloody Anita. Still, Niagara Falls looks lovely for those who actually appreciate it.

Back at the penthouse, there's Elle Mail, read by Bloody Anita. "Hello Girls, it's time for the judges to come together to see who'll be the first girl to leave Toronto. See you in a few hours when we'll be coming to see you. Love, Elle x" So that's another year where they couldn't be bothered to actually set up a proper judging room in the overseas location, then. Good to know. Risikat admits she doesn't feel confident about the photo shoot but she doesn't feel it's her time to go. Bloody Anita thinks the pressure's off Anita a little bit because she won the magazine cover challenge. Lisa thinks that nobody is safe. Bloody Anita thinks Emma should go, because she hasn't "proved herself" in the competition. Shut up, Bloody Anita.

The judges arrive at the penthouse, along with this week's guest judge, Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker. The girls are perched on upturned logs for the judging, which does not look awkward or uncomfortable at all. First to have her picture appraised is Anita. Whitney claims that Anita had it "within the first shot", which is a direct contrast to what the photographer was saying earlier. So much for continuity. Nigel says there's tension in the face there which she has to learn to get rid of as a model and "chill into it", before adding "there's nothing sexier than control". Sheesh, calm down Christian Grey. Julien thinks she looks incredible. Tyson loves the shot and claims you don't look at Niagara Falls because you just see Anita. What a load of shite. He says she's listened to everything they've said, and this is how far it's gotten her. Except for the part where they're always telling her about the tension in her face, which she still hasn't fixed.

Stupid mid-judging ad break.When will they learn?

Next is Emma. Her shot is pretty great. Whitney loves the way the light catches her face and the wind catches her hair. Tyson thinks it's like she's had years of experience modelling, and she looks flawless. Nigel says that he doesn't necessarily see the girl in the picture in front of him, and that's something she needs to work on. Emma admits she's a completely different person on set, and Nigel tells her she needs to capture that wow factor that you get when Elle Macpherson or Tyra Banks (nice try, Nigel, she's not giving you your job back) walks onto a set. Elle wants Emma to be bringing that all that time at this stage of the competition.

Next is Lisa. Her best shot is not great, and also clearly not her actual best shot. Nigel thinks she's gorgeous and as a striking bone structure, but she's not doing much with it. Whitney thinks her face looks flawless. Tyson thinks she took the easy way out. Elle feels that Lisa can't be wishy-washy with her body, because it makes her look hard. Lisa explains that she was nervous because Miss Selfridge is more of a commercial brand and she wanted to prove that she had enough versatility for them.

After her, we have Risikat whose picture is legitimately awful. Whitney tells her she was pretty much the same in every picture and didn't give them enough options to choose from, and that is bad. Risikat says she felt confident, but then she started to panic. Oddly, Julien really likes the picture and thinks she's made the dress look desirable. Tyson disagrees, and says it looks like she's on a family vacation and someone made her pose. Elle thinks fear got the better of her.

Finally, Letitia. Nigel says he was struck by her bone structure when she walked into the room, but the picture doesn't capture that in the same way. Whitney tells her it doesn't look classy. Julien disagrees - he thinks this is the London look of the moment. Nigel takes issue with this, saying that he's talking about the clothes and not the girl, and the models aren't responsible for the clothes. I'd argue they're responsible for the presentation of the clothes and that Julien's point isn't necessarily that far off the mark. Julien thinks it's a bit sexy and a bit busty, but young girls in London are looking and dressing like that. Nigel gets irate that Letitia is TOO SEXY and needs to tone that down. Elle points out that this has been a recurring criticism of Letitia - how to be sexy in a way that doesn't turn women off.

The girls are dismissed while the judges deliberate. Tyson thinks Anita nailed it, and Elle thinks that people always find her vivacious. Whitney thinks she has "drastically improved". Yes, because she was so drastically dreadful to begin with that she couldn't possibly have become any worse. Emma looks beautiful, but Nigel doesn't remember her as a person. It feels like Nigel is here specifically to embody all of the worst tropes about ANTM, doesn't it? Elle thinks Emma was the one girl who really captured her attention today. Nigel thinks it's about the personality (see?) while Julien thinks looks are far more important. At Lisa's picture, they decide that this is the same look she does on every shoot, which is not particularly true but they seem to have decided the narrative for tonight's elimination before they saw any of the pictures. Elle feels Lisa lacks the courage to explore all of her strengths and beauty. Julien wonders if she's "too strong" to appeal to girls, which: what? Between Letitia being "too sexy" for girls and Lisa being "too strong" for them, it's like this episode is sponsored by Female Self-Loathing or something. Next, Risikat - Nigel thinks there's something cool and different about her, while Whitney thinks she's sliding through. Julien thinks she's beautiful, but that it might not be enough. Finally Letitia, who Nigel really wants to photograph, but Whitney thinks her performance is frequently a let down. Whitney wonders if somehow they've failed her in their feedback. Elle thinks they all have very different opinions on the girls, which she thinks is "a true testament" to their quality. Or to the fact that none of them are very good, considering they had fairly specific criticisms for all of them.

The girls return, and the girl with picture of the week is Bloody Anita. Well, I'm so glad that absolutely none of her dreadful showing at the CN Tower and the magazine shoot had any bearing on the panel whatsoever. We might as well have been watching YouTube videos of kittens for the first half-hour of the episode. Anita leaves the judging room and heads back to the living area, when the camera crew get a serious upskirt as she comes down the stairs. Stay classy, Sky Living. In second place is Emma, and Letitia is called third. So Lisa and Risikat are the bottom two, which is SUCH UTTER HORSESHIT I can't even tell you. Lisa was the client's favourite at the photo shoot, but this apparently means nothing any more. As Letitia troops downstairs, Anita admits she's surprised by this turn of events, and Emma says she's "confused". You and the entire viewing audience, kiddo.

Elle tells Lisa and Risikat they're both in the bottom two for the same reason, which is of course contrived and manufactured drama. Sorry, "when we look at your photographs, there's no wow factor". I don't know where I got that first one from. So who stays? Lisa, thankfully, although neither of these two should be going home at this point. Elle tells Risikat they've loved working with her, and Risikat thanks her for the opportunity and the "most glamorous learning curve any model can get". She's learned so much, but she's upset that the experience is over. We see Risikat's portfolio, which I'd argue is one of the strongest of any of the girls in the competition, but that's no matter at this point: she fades out of the group shot and we're left with Bloody Anita, those two bland girls who I still can't always tell about, and Lisa The Only Remaining Good One Who's Probably Still Going To Get Shafted By This Process Regardless.

Next week: a test of fashion knowledge, a waterside photo shoot with Julien, and Whitney wouldn't want one of the girls to represent her line, ever. Whitney has a line? I guess we'll find out about that next week with Helen.