Friday, 22 July 2011

The Ballad of Tania Roxanna Federenco

Auditions week 3 - 18th July 2011

Hello, and welcome to what is blessedly the final episode of auditions. Much has been said of the pointlessness of these, but it bears repeating. We are going to have no Susan Boyle style slamming of preconceptions here. We are not going to marvel as the shy girl opens her mouth and begins to sing like an angel. The most you could hope for is a Hollywood style taking off of glasses and tousling of hair to reveal a fashion goddess underneath a geeky facade, but you can pretty much tell if someone is going to be good at being a model in under five seconds.

But this is the format now, I hope they get all of my angry tweets about how much I don’t like it, but seeing as I can’t resist hashtagging them as #bintmodel rather than the official one, I don’t think they’re going to see. No, I have to console myself with trolling their Facebook page and shouting at my television. SRS though, if any Bintmodel honchos are reading this I have one thing to say.


If the protracted audition shows weren’t enough, you have to invoke FEARNE BLOODY COTTON on me. Why? Why would you do this to me? This is my SAFE PLACE. This is where I hide from Fearne. You inflicted MIQUITA BLOODY OLIVER on me for an episode last year and I didn’t complain. I know you need celebrity guests, I understand that. But why give me that bloody foghorn voiced Terrahawk honking all over my Model Monday? Don’t want it. NO.

But that’s enough ranting from me. We need to get down to business, however pointless that business may be.

Blah blah credits, blah blah Fearne, blah blah Elle is awesome, blah blah judges, blah blah prizes, blah blah Tuffunuh, blah blah on the road, blah blah there can be only one.

Today we are in the Dublin, WHICH IS THE CAPITAL OF IRELAND, Fearne helpfully tells us. We are also in Manchester, which Fearne explains is one of the culture capitals of England. THANKS FEARNE, WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YOU. Answer – A LOT HAPPIER.

Elle is going to meet up with Ronan Keating and his wife. Apparently, Ronan is going to tell them where to go street casting. Hmm, the unfortunate implication of asking Ronan where to look for girls in front of his wife.


There are thousands of girls wanting to be a bintmodel, and apparently there’s nothing they won’t do to be notice. Cue montage of screaming, backflips and being bendy to “What’s that coming over the hill, is it a monster?” Unfortunate implications ahoy. Elle asks someone to smile with their eyes and apparently there’s going to be someone who won’t take no for an answer. This is gonna be FUN.

Someone’s crying, someone is powerful because everyone looks at her when she walks into the room. Fearne tells us there is excitement in the air.

A girl says that to win would be a dream come true, someone else is nervous, but happy to be here because it’s what she wants. We see the judges arrive. Fearne tells us the judges arrive. Elle is wearing a Muppet and pretends to want to know how everyone’s weekends were. She informs them that they are in DUBLIN. It’s bleak, melancholic and beautiful outside allegedly, but she’s wearing her sunglasses indoors so I don’t really want to listen to her. In a not at all scripted observation, she hopes that the girls bring some sunshine into her day. Julien wants to see some country girls. He explains that this means girls that live in the country. Grace stares into middle distance whilst Charley repeats every second word that Julien says. “Salt of the earth girls” Elle agrees. At the sound of Elle’s voice, Grace perks up again and nods. “Sexy farmer’s daughters” says Julien, and the entire coven cackles.

We see the judges walk into a conference room and say good morning to the camera crew. Fearne tells us that the girls are waiting outside as we see them waiting outside. (Are you getting the point that nearly all of her voiceover is pointless yet? I won’t rest until you do.)

A spotty girl interviews that she has a natural look. You said it pet. She says she wants to produce pictures that people will remember for the rest of their lives. (If they involve another girl and a cup she's got a chance. Otherwise... - Chris) A girl with ridiculous earrings says that whenever she walks into the room, people think she’s a model because she stands out.

“Bring them on!” shouts Elle. Here we go.

“Can you do anything extraordinary?” Asks Grace “and if you can, can you, like, break it out, right now?”

These girls have obviously been grouped together for their special talents, which include putting their arms behind their backs, bending over backwards and doing a twirl.

Grace asks one girl if she’s a chatterbox. She says she doesn’t think she does, then talks solidly for one whole minute without taking a breath. Julien asks the next one who inspires her. She says Kate Moss. She thinks she’s amazing and wants to be like her one day. I think we all aspire to being a haggard boozehound one day too. [Apart from those of us who've already achieved that, obviously. - Steve] Julien asks her if she thinks she has the figure to be a model. He’s such a bitch. She surprises the judges by immediately answering in the negative. Grace just says thank you to this. Way to sell yourself, lady.

Next is a girl who knows that when she walks into the room that people look at her, and she knows that gives her the power. Sure love, unless you are a covert hypnotist or you’re packing heat I don’t think that’s true.

Grace asks her to surprise the judges by showing them their best catwalk. I have to admire the stealth bitchiness of that remark. In fact, I’m going to put a hat on just so I can take my hat off to it. Grace then follows up this moment of awesome by doing a face of patronising throughout the whole thing. Grace asks them to step out. Earrings thinks that the other girls were more comfortable talking to the judges. Room of power said that she talked and talked and the judges lapped it up. Back to the judges, Julien says that they all had LOVELY PERSONALITIES. Oh dear.

They file back in, Grace says that “despite all of you being gorgeous...” which causes spotty to burst into tears about how much she WANTS THIS. Grace finishes by saying none of them are going through. Elle says she hates it when they cry. Earrings tells spotty that there’s always next year, and Room of Power is OK, because she just came to try out. She sits with her uncomfortable looking boyfriend and says that it wasn’t meant to be. She’s lying.

In more pointless voiceover, Fearne tells us that although there’s been no success for the first group, there is no shortage of wannabe models in Ireland. This is illustrated to us by showing us lots of girls standing in a line throwing poses (I said “throwing”, deal with it) and pouting at the camera.

Next up in front of the judges are girls WITH NAMES so we better pay attention. There’s 19 year old Joanne from County Wicklow, and 19 year old Izzy, from Belfast. Izzy interviews that she’s beautiful inside and out, and she has the personality to go with the looks. Joanne interviews that she wants the judges to see that she’s lots of fun and that she’s going to work hard, because she wants to be known as a good model and not a messer, whatever that is. Fearne informs us that joining Izzy and Joanne are best friends Niamh and Rebecca. FRIEND TENSION. I love it.

Elle counts them, 1-4. Well done Elle! Charley asks if they’ve thought about modelling before. Er, Charley, they’re here. Please stop thinking and go back to being pretty and making vaguely creepy sexual remarks, k? Joanne replies that she actually is a model, and she mainly does catwalk stuff. Elle calls her a gorgeous baby face. Grace asks the best friends if they are best friends. Elle suggests a walk off. “Such different looking girls from the same town” says Grace. Charley agrees. Yes, you two. That’s how it works in Ireland. Everyone is grouped geographically by how they look. It’s what inspired the Boyzone hit, “The only Blonde Girl in Cork” (I made the Boyzone bit up). Elle asks Izzy to Smile with their eyes. They all crow that that’s the Tyra thing. The CARDS. Elle can’t believe she said that and helpfully explains to Izzy that that is a “Tyra-ism”. Izzy thinks she can be a model because when she’s not talking she can be more confident in herself. This makes absolutely no sense so Julien asks her to take her hair down. It’s greasy with terrible roots. Charley pretends to look intelligent. Elle says that there’s something “Marlon Brando” about her. Careful Elle, she’s already far too skinny, that comment might push her over the edge. Elle explains that this means she is beautiful but with strong features, and she loves that juxtaposition. Elle and Julien agree that they like Joanne and Izzy. Izzy’s crossing her fingers. Joanne thinks that it was a mistake to say that she’d already done a lot of modelling when she could barely walk in heels. Elle thinks that she looks like a cross between Geena Davis and Claudia Schiffer. Grace doesn’t think she’d make it to the final. Charley says that she’s got a “plain baby face”. Plain babies being the bane of the baby circuit. Elle thinks Izzy is interesting, Grace thinks she’s scary. Elle compares her to Marlon Brando again, in a “broken nose” way. Julien thinks she’s an odd-bod but Elle likes that.

Charley welcomes them back, and tells them that it’s been a tough toughie, but they’ve made their decision. Joanne and Izzy are through. Joanne goes back to her boyfriend and Izzy goes back to her mum and I realise that you can see EVERY BONE in her back. Eek.

After the break – someone has a psychic mum! Elle hits the streets and tries to hawk her underwear, and someone won’t take no for an answer and doesn’t think much of Grace.

Adverts! Barry M cosmetics look a bit cheap, don’t they? [It always amuses me how it sounds like "barium". - Steve] Are they only on Clubland 19?

And we’re back.

Fearne reminds us that we are in Dublin and there’s hundreds of girls walking and being measured. Elle thinks someone’s fringe isn’t doing her any favours. I know what you mean, I had one for years and it did nothing for me. We see Laura and Ashley go through.

Psychic mum girl is a bit nervous about meeting the judges but thinks she has a good chance. A girl with Lego man hair tells us that last September, she was sitting getting her hair done when she got a phone call that her mum was in hospital. I’m sure there’s going to be a point to this. Bear with. Apparently she needed to come in the hospital and her mum was very ill. The last conversation she had with her mum was about auditioning. It’s not clear if this was the last conversation ever, but her mum told her to go for it.

We learn that psychic mum girl is called Michelle. Grace wants to know what her mum said about the competition. Apparently her mum read her cards a while back and saw travel related to work. (I'm guessing Michelle's mum also told her she'd be meeting a man whose name began with J - Chris) As soon as she got through though, her mum said that she was too close to do a reading for. Got through? I thought these were open auditions? But then again, if the previous subterfuge of “just back from Kuala Lumpur” is anything to go by, they shouldn’t try to hide anything. She walks to a face of pain by Grace.

Helmet hair is asked to pull her fringe back. Grace grins at her and they all love her walk. Elle thinks Michelle has something. Julien says that he’s been looking in his crystal ball and he quite likes her. Yes Julien, it’s clear you need help with knowing what to think. Charley likes her best out the group. JoannePsychicMum thinks she got her personality across, and she did model when asked so she thinks she’s done well. Grace thinks she just has a lovely neck and shoulders. Michelle is through and is ready to work hard. Legohairpossiblydeadmum is shocked and disappointed because she thought she did really well.

Fearne tells us that yesterday before the auditions, Elle met up with “old friend” Ronan Keating and his top model wife Yvonne to ask where to find the best girls in Dublin. In an uncomfortable segment, they greet each other and Elle asks them how the kids are. They welcome her to Dublin. Ronan jokes that she won’t be able to see any beautiful girls because they’re all wrapped up in their raincoats. “And under umbrellas!” shouts Elle. It’s so good that she’s meeting Ronan, because she needs to know where the beautiful girls are. AND THAT IS THE POINT OF THIS SEGMENT, FOR I CAN SEE NO OTHER. Ronan suggests Grafton Street, because that’s where the best girls are, and the best shops. Even in the rain. Mrs Ronan suggests that there might be some jewels tucked away in the country, to which Ronan “jokes” that they only have 24 hours. Don’t disagree with Ronan, Mrs Ronan. Elle says that the fashion industry is so prevalent, that any girl who is remotely beautiful is shipped off at a young age so finding unspoilt beauties is difficult. Hang on... Shipped off? What are you talking about Elle? That makes NO SENSE. Where are they shipped off to? Is there a workhouse somewhere for pretty young girls? Are parents shipping off pretty girls with a knapsack and £20 and telling them to go and make their fortune in London/Paris/Milan? [From what I saw on Channel 4's The Model Agency, that sort of makes sense. Anyone with real potential is sent off to an agency in the big city at the age of about 14, and groomed by them before sending them off overseas. - Steve] Apparently, finding girls that aren’t with an agency is difficult. Mrs Ronan says that Irish girls have more confidence and personality(code for "are drunk" - Chris) which gives them the edge over other girls. Elle thinks it’s great to hear her say that, because she always tells “her girls” that being pretty isn’t enough. Ronan thinks it’s more about being in the right place at the right time and treating people with respect and working hard. Elle announces that she’s off to Grafton St. There’s more awkward air kisses and praise be, it seems that this awkward little segment is over with.

DublinPorn! People walking about!

Elle walks through a shop and goes on an escalator. She says she hasn’t seen any girls yet then puts on her sunglasses. Indoors. Do you think those two things are possibly linked, Elle?

Elle spots someone she likes but thinks she might be too young. She barges up to her and asks how old she is. Thirteen. You’re too young! She bellows at her. Elle suggests modelling in a couple of years and says how her thirteen year old son would like her. I could hear the sound of him groaning from wherever he is, whenever that was. Elle continues to prowl around the underwear section. I have to confess to looking out for a lost gang of priests somewhere in the back. Elle points out another girl and shouts “YOU” at her. “ME?” she replies, looking shocked. Elle invites her to the auditions tomorrow. She’d love that. Elle then shouts about buying underwear to a gang of bemused women with cameraphones. Next, she finds Hannah and invites her to the auditions. Elle then goes outside, in the dark, under an umbrella, in sunglasses to look for more girls. Unsurprisingly, this is fruitless so she decides to go home.

The girls off the street audition. Hannah thinks it’s quite surreal. The other girl has been looking in the mirror and wondering if she really could sell something. YOU ARE MAKING THIS FAR TOO EASY.

Elle says it’s nice to see them again. The first girl is too old at TWENTY FIVE, but Elle still wanted her to audition because she wanted her to meet the judges and wanted to see her again *COUGH*. She’s just thrilled that she was considered. Hannah apparently has beautiful blue eyes. Grace asks her if she has her own eyelashes. She does. Grace is amazed. Charley wants to know a bit more about her. Apparently she used to be shy, and is uncomfortable about being tall and thin because she got slagged off for it at school. She always thought she was a bit of a plain Jane. Julien’s random comment generator says that she’s a bit of a “Snow white”. This is followed with “big eyes”, after which he presumably goes back to sleep before adding “nice hair”.

Grace likes Hannah, but doesn’t think she could put the other one through. Grace is basically asking if she wants to bend the rules asking Elle if she feels awkward not putting her through. Elle is happy not to. They call them back. Old lady is happy just to have had five minutes of their time. Elle says to Hannah that she probably doesn’t want to know what they thought, but it’s all a HILARIOUS RUSE because they want her for the semi finals. Hannah phones her mum to tell her the good news. Hannah’s mum rightly wants to know when she has to be back.

So that’s Dublin, the capital of Ireland. Grace says goodbye to the set and Julien says goodbye to Dublin. I think he needs to reinforce to himself where he is.

Coming up – Auditions hit Manchester, and a girl who doesn’t have what it takes thinks she’s got what it takes.

Adverts! The ads are makeup, cheese and Tom Daley. He’s a lovely young man, isn’t he?

And we’re back. ManchesterPorn!

Fearne finally tells me something I want to hear. It’s the last city for auditions! A girl in a leopard print hat tells us she loves Manchester. A skinny girl who is all teeth and hair tells us that she tried last year, and this year she wants to do it. Julien is now wearing the Muppet (this being the model equivalent of "holding the conch" - Chris) and Grace gets out the car looking like a mile of bad road. Julien bitches that this is her in her natural state and makes a snide comment about her hairdresser not turning up and this is how she looks every day. Grace scratches her head and says “beautiful”.

Elle has a different Muppet on and says that it’s another day of beautiful girls in a slightly bored tone. More queuing, more measuring of girls. Elle drops in for a pep talk with the girls. They scream. She’s wearing sunglasses. She’s excited to see the beautiful girls of Manchester. She's expecting big things from them because it’s the last city. She wants to see shining personalities, because they’ve already got lots of beautiful girls.

A redheaded girl who is all teeth and hair and looks thin to the point of illness tells us that being a model is “more than a dream”. It’s something that she really, really wants. The girl who has been in every ‘coming up’ section as a trouble maker tells us that she’s got what it takes and she’s got the ‘diva-ness’. She’s not going to let the fact she looks like Natalie Cassidy on a bad day stop her. Oh no. Redhead stick girl introduces herself as Hazel. Julien tells her she has a peculiar face. She agrees. Elle thinks it might be about the haircut and asks her to pull back her hair. I’m thinking that pulling back your hair is the ‘have you got another song’ of bintmodel. Elle and Julien agree she’s got a ‘Model face’.

Next up is whacky Natalie Cassidy. Her name is Tania Roxanna Federenco (awesome name, if nothing else). She’s unemployed. She’s been having a bad year. She lost her auntie and uncle and her mum is ill. Grace rolls her eyes. THIS IS WHAT YOU ALL WANTED. THIS MUST BE WHY WE’RE HAVING THESE AUDITIONS. YOU WANT SOB STORIES. TAKE THEM. Her ill mum is here with her by the power of her tablets. Charley thinks it’s difficult to lose two siblings in a short space of time. Can someone please explain to Charley what a sibling is? Grace acknowledges that she’s been through a lot, but wants to hear how great she is. TANIA CAN DO THAT. Grace says that the difficult times are what builds her, but they are only part of the puzzle. Tania Roxanna Federenco tells us that she is a great person, but she can be horrible (!?). She’ll never start a fight but she will damn well finish it (by being wheeled into the back of an ambulance crying - Chris). She walks. Elle calls it sweet. Tania Roxanna Federenco interviews that it was nerve-wracking.

Back to the judges, Julien and Elle are laughing behind their hands, presumably at Tania Roxanna Federenco. They’re all agreed on Hazel, who will presumably go out in week one in a Very Special Episode about body image. (Oh ANTM 15 Anamaria, if only you could have prevented it). They also like “number 4” who we saw nothing of (I hear she's from The Island - Chris). Grace suggests they talk about Tania Roxanna Federenco. Charley thinks that her story is very sad, but she hasn’t got the looks. Julien thinks she’s got a fabulous personality and she’s a fun girl. She’s not a fun girl Julien, her family ARE DEAD. He agrees that she probably doesn’t have the assets of a model. They come back in and put Hazel through. Tania Roxanna Federenco looks sad. Hazel is crying. Tania Roxanna Federenco hugs her SICK MOTHER and says that she thinks she deserved at least “one stupid chance” and it didn’t happen.

More girls. Grace asks to see special talents. One girl can lick her elbow. (LICK YOUR ELBOW, YOU DO IT LIKE THIS! - Chris) Grace doesn’t think that Mario Testino would ask for that. YOU ASKED THEM, GRACE! Another can twist her elbow round, someone else does ballet. Another girl says she’s one of a kind and gets through. The ballet girl gets through. Some other boring girls get through.

Coming up! Tania Roxanna Federenco wants to know why she didn’t get through, Julien steps out of line and someone cries.

Adverts! Jewellery, reverse charges and hair dye. Lovely. Cheap rimming joke on trailer for new Sky One comedy? Not so much. A bit beneath Jane Horrocks, anyway. (Not possible - Chris) [I laughed. Don't judge me. - Steve]

More ManchesterPorn!

Fearne reminds us that it’s the last leg of auditions, but there are still hundreds of girls to see. A girl with lovely eyebrows interviews that she’s wanted to be a supermodel or famous since she was little. A very tall Chinese lady is going to try her best to see if the judges like her. Elle wows at her entrance. Much is made of the Chinese girl being tall and Chinese. Grace wants her to take her dress off because it’s hiding her proportions. Another girl stomps when she’s doing the catwalk like she wants to fade into the walls. Another girl is asked to show how wild she is for some inexplicable reason. She screeches and Julien laughs. Eyebrows is asked about her origins. She’s a mix of West Indian, white and Chinese. Julien likes this because he likes a cocktail. I will resist the cheap and obvious gag here. Elle doesn’t look pleased with eyebrows’ walk. Grace makes much of the screeching girl who was asked to screech screeching, complaining that she’s more of an actress. WHAT DO YOU WANT, GRACE? SHE DANCED FOR YOU AND YOU DON’T LIKE HER DANCING. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME AND THE JUDGES EXACTLY WHAT THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS PLEASE?! IT’S HURTING MY HEAD.

Screechy is staying positive. Julien liked “the Chinesey ones”. Sweet baby jeebus. Can you still get away with being that racist on television? [Apparently. - Steve] Grace thinks that the tall Chinese lady’s proportions were odd. Elle welcomes them back. Eyebrows, who’s name is Rakaia, gets through. Julien thinks that the tall Chinese girl could be ok if she lost more weight and drags her back for further inspection. Grace tells her that her proportions aren’t perfect. They obviously feel pressured into putting her through, so do. Elle shouts at Julien for putting them on the spot. Tall Chinese girl (NAMES PLEASE) (She doesn't need a name - she's Chinesey - Chris) is really happy to be through and in the semi final.

Oh, what’s this? Tania Roxanna Federenco is back with her SICK MUM to demand answers as to why she wasn’t put through. She totally can be Britain’s next top model. She knows she’s got what it takes. She’s totally prettier than some of the other girls that got through. She physically can’t understand why she hasn’t got through. I feel like I should explain exactly why this statement is wrong to her but at this point I haven’t got the energy.

Tania Roxanna Federenco is back in the judging room. She’s changed into a costume from High School Musical. They ask her where her dress is. She replies that she threw it off in a rage when she didn’t get through. Elle likes her outfit. Julien wants to know why she’s back. Tania Roxanna Federenco wants to know why she didn’t get through. Charley gently explains that lots of girls didn’t get through. Grace decides that she’s gonna cut the crap. You know Grace, the one that currently has another show on the same channel called Chick Fix where she sorts out people’s lives? Yeah, that one. She asks Tania Roxanna Federenco if she knows what Vogue magazine is. Tania Roxanna Federenco replies that it’s beautiful and glossy. Grace asks her if she thinks that she looks like the girls in that magazine. Tania Roxanna Federenco totally does. Honestly? Asks Grace. She replies that yes, she honestly does. Grace tells her she doesn’t. Tania Roxanna Federenco wants to know why. Grace tells her she doesn’t have *it*. Tania Roxanna Federenco wants to know what *it* is and why she doesn’t have it. Give it up love. Please. You don’t want to hear that you’re not particularly attractive any more than they want to say it.

Charley takes the tact tack. He explains that girls in fashion magazines are not classically beautiful, leaving the “like you” inferred but not stated. It’s beautiful. He explained that they have a special quality and I’m left feeling quite warm and fuzzy for Charley. What a gent.

Elle tells her that she’s not tall enough, and her legs aren’t long enough and that her roots don’t help. I feel the need to point out that this is now going on over ‘Beautiful’ by Christina Aguilera. Ugh.

Tania Roxanna Federenco hits back that Hazel wasn’t particularly beautiful. Grace replies that it’s not about being beautiful, it’s about being interesting. The camera pans over Tania Roxanna Federenco. Julien tells her that she’s obviously a lovely girl, but she just doesn’t have the bone structure. He tells her that she’s beautiful, but not beautiful enough. This is also quite sweet and I nearly fall off my chair in shock. [I am loving Julien this series. He's gone right off the deep end and it's very entertaining. - Steve]

Tania Roxanna Federenco seems to offer to change her face. Elle cuts her off and tells her that she’s never going to hear what she wants to. Julien then cuts her short by giving her a hug and sending her on her way, telling her to try something else and admiring her balls. (too easy).

Tania Roxanna Federenco leaves quietly, but interviews that she thinks they’ve made the wrong decision and that Elle doesn’t even have the right look and infers that she’s only a model because it was easier to get into the industry in the olden days. Tania Roxanna Federenco then tells a runner to tell Grace she’s a swearword. Elle says that it was hard to be patient with her.

Tania Roxanna Federenco is now leaving the building and taking her fabulous elsewhere. She puts on her sunglasses and gets into the lift and leaves us until she auditions for the X Factor Forever.

There’s one more girl. I think this girl is a bit of a precautionary tale. The thing with open auditions where they have been previously closed is that you get all the nutters that are quite easily sifted through in the initial stages actually turning up demanding to be seen.

This girl, who we shall name CryingGirl, has been trying for the last four years and this is her LAST CHANCE. She’s crying already.

There’s another girl who was one of the People’s Choices last year, but she didn’t get through, she thinks, because of her confidence. But she’s been WORKING ON THAT. She tells the judges that she’s always wanted to be a model and Grace sucks in her cheeks. She does a weird thing with her tongue.

CryingGirl also has a stutter, but it’s not going to let it hold her back. Grace explains that she’s got a LOVELY PERSONALITY. CryingGirl is from Liberia and has also lost a lot of her family in the war. Grace thinks she’s sweet and she’s got something. She tells them she’s learned lots from watching previous series. Probably of X Factor, with that story.

They leave the room. Julien likes the “two Black Girls”, to a chorus of “REALLY?!” from Charley and Grace. Julien thinks she talked her way into it. Elle agrees then says she maybe hasn’t got the fineness of features that’s needed. Charley doesn’t think she has the look. The returnee has a bad walk but Charley thinks the public will get her. The returnee hopes that CryingGirl will get through as well as her. Nothing like a bit of confidence. The returnee, who we learn is Nicole, gets through.

They also put CryingGirl through, who’s name is Daniella. She falls to the ground and Julien hugs her outside. She interviews that she’s going to show them what she’s got. Nicole is so happy to be through again.

That’s it! It’s over. Elle says well done to everyone. Elle hugs Charley and he looks like the man least wanting that hug ever. Elle complains about Julien’s boots, that he made presumably, not owns, whilst Julien tugs at the back of Grace’s top.

So with a final FACE OF SURPRISE montage over some Black Eyed Peas, the auditions are over (THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT). There are more than 80 girls through to the semis, so join us next week for Boot Camp, where these 80+ are going to be whittled down to twelve. That’s a lot of disappointed ladies...


  1. ...
    And yet I still wonder why the Glasgow auditions were the only ones where the girls were mostly shown in their underwear/ swimwear instead of proper clothes...?

    Was it because it was cold therefore a greater chance of perky-nipple-itis for the teenage boy/ enforced other-half-watching demographic in the opening ep...?

    According to Sky Plus, there are only 13 episodes of this series...
    ... 3 of which have been spent faffing about at the auditions with me hollering "no... no... glamour model... too chavvy... weird, so yes... laughable... no... no..." at the procession of wannabes...

    ... and ep4 is bootcamp...
    ... which means only 9 actual weeks of proper NTM shenanigans... can't help feeling robbed of what the show is actually supposed to be about...

  2. I agree completley. All this stuff is cutting into the time we could be spending laughing at in fighting and girls being dense. That's what it's about. Not the flippin' journey.

  3. Did you mention X factor because you also remember her audition? I can't find a video anywhere but I swear Tania auditioned for the X Factor!

    Anyway, I kind of love this review - is it just me, or does Elle really annoy you when she walks into the audition room?

  4. Thank you! I'm glad you kind of love it.

    I think Tania Roxanna Federenco looks familiar, she may have already auditioned, but I mentioned it because it's inevitable that she'll end up on there one day.

    Elle irritates me in many ways, her walk into the audition room being one of them. You are by no means alone.