Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Britain's Next Top Brummie

Auditions 2: 11th July 2011

Hello! My name is Chris, and I am new round these here parts. Inspired by Steve and Helen's inspired re-telling of TIFFNUH's rise to greatness, Joy's rise to reality tv immortality (well...for Living), and Alisha losing horribly (HA!), I am on board to help them guide you all through this series of BINT MODEL. My Top Model experience is limited. I've seen the last one of the British version, and a few of the American version (my favourite model being the same as most of the rest of the Internet. You know, that one who was cast as kind of a joke, was too old for the show, and didn't really look like a model, but made up for it with her ridiculously OTT and obnoxious personality. You know? Tyra?)


Anyway, despite that, I know nothing about modelling, I last bought myself clothes in about 2004, my knowledge of female proportions is...rusty...LET'S GET TO IT!

Previously on BINT MODEL : BINTS! And...well...not models, but people who could one day pretend to be. Sexy tortoise Elle McPherson and her "sidekicks" (Token Bitchy Queen Julien "Old" McDonald, Token Star-Shagger Grace "Got Dressed In A Blackout...A SEXY BLACKOUT!" Woodward (*star status of Matt Cardle pending*) and Token Straight Bloke Charley "Surname Could Not Be More Ironic If It Were 'Natural-TV-Personality' "Speed) went to London and Glasgow and sifted through a bunch of girls including a bitchy drama student, a poet, some girls Charley Speed was trying to pick up for a quick shag, Bible Brenda and...that was about it. Nobody cared, not even the chair, but we're doing it all again! YAY!

We're reminded what the girls are competing for this year - getting to beat a bitch into 2nd place, a contract with Models1, a 6 page-spread and the cover of Company magazine (you're not actually on the cover. They just give you a copy.), a holiday for 2 in Jamaica, a car, a cosmetics campaign with Revlon, a £50,000 international campaign with Miss Selfridge, and maybe, if you're lucky, your own wikipedia page! How exciting! Fearne Rotton reminds us via voiceover that this year the judges (when Elle can be arsed) have travelled around the country to London, Glasgow, Brimingham, Cardiff, Manchester and "Ireland's capital" (THANKS FEARNE!) Dublin. No idea why, given that about 12 people seem to turn up for each casting they might as well have just done it all in one episode in London. BUT THAT WOULDN'T BE THIS MUCH FUN! ELLE EATS A MARS BAR, CAN YOU IMAGINE?!

Sorry about the spoiler there.

This episode covers The Famous Four Going Mad in Cardiff and Birmingham. I am from near Birmingham. This should be fun. Elle's going to walk round the Bullring in sunglasses and leopard-print. If she doesn't leave pregnant, I'll be very surprised. We're promised tears, talent (?) and Julien shouting "WURR WURR WURR WURR!".

Three episodes. Three episodes of this.

First up, glamorous Cardiff. Fearne tells us that excitement is MOUNTING in the Welsh capital. I hate to think what level it was at before. I've seen people more excited about accidentally catching an episode of Murder She Wrote they'd only seen the last 40 minutes of before. Like...a girl smiles? And says she has a family. EXCITING SCENES!

So exciting that we're already resorting to the excitement of Julien McDonald going kerb-crawling. He marches down the street at midnight with "a local friend" (*eyebrow*) hollering "WE ARE LOOKING FOR HOT YOUNG GIRLS! WHERE-EVER YOU MAY BE...COME OUT!" So many mixed messages in that sentence alone, and you can't even see the leather-daddy outfit Julien's wearing. He peers in the window of a lot of fast-food restaurants at people having their pre-vomit kebab, and they all stare back, vaguely confused. He finds some fat old women and patronises them as only a fashion-queen can. Some drunks recognise him, but they're fugs, so he doesn't care.

Suddenly there's a soundtrack change to "Let Me Blow Your Mind" as Julien approaches a girl who is more model-esque than anyone else he's seen trawling the streets of Cardiff. In that she's blonde. Her name is Hannah Wells, and Julien tells her that she's stunning, and that she has to come to auditions tomorrow. She looks vaguely convinced so Julien grabs her and bellows about how he's FOUND HIS FIRST WELSH GIRL. And you know that's a true statement. He rounds up a couple of bar-tarts and a stripper, grabs a deep-fried Mars Bar, orders another for Elle (hilariously saying "CAN I ORDER A DEEP-FRIED MARS BAR FOR ELLE MCPHERSON?" in doing so which...I'm asking for that on my next night out regardless) [I so need to be there when that happens - Steve][ah, fried Mars Bars...*bagpipe music swells, tear rolls down my cheek - Helen] and then heads off into the night, looking for coc...a hotel.

It's the following morning, and Elle's Angels turn up, with Julien wearing sunglasses (so you know he and his local friend had more fun last night), and Grace in a moss green carpet. As she walks in Grace hisses "I smell coffee!" like Nosferatu sniffs out virgins. Charley does nothing. As ever. They all take their places, as Elle arrives, also wearing sunglasses (I'm guessing this is due to fun not connected with any Julien may have had. You know, actual fun) and says that she's dreading Julien backing whatever girl he's scraped out of the Cardiff gutters right to the end. Eh Elle, he kind of seemed like he just picked the first girl with all her limbs under the age of 25 he happened upon.

She waves hi to Julien, and they kiss like the Mafia. He shows her his deep-fried Mars Bar. She eats it. None of that is a euphemism. It couldn't be. Even Julien McDonald's cock is less gross than a deep-fried Mars Bar. You know, probably. As this happens "Sweet Disposition" by Tender Trap plays, like this is supposed to be kookily inspiring. A MODEL EATS! CALLS ZOOEY DESCHANNEL!

Modelling now (what, so soon?) and we see a bunch of girls getting cut for being midgets, and other girls doing those funny walks that models do. Swish swish swish. First group now, and one girl, Lisa, says that she's looking forward to meeting Julien because he's a Merthyr Boy. How they let that SLUR on air is a mystery to me. Call OFCOM! Anyway, Lisa (looks a bit like Gwen Cooper's Primary School Teacher sister) walks in, says her age, her location, and also that she hates men. Grace looks at her with her best "a child just pooed on Supernanny's Shoes" face in disgust and horror. Oh good, just what this show needed. Feminism. [5'9"+ Sisters are doing it for themselves... - Helen]

So anyway, what's happened is that Lisa (blatantly) got dumped, like a week ago, and is still processing it like a Carrie Bradshaw column written by one of Ablisa. She hates men! But she loves them! But just as friends! But they're such bastards! Apart from her gays! She's just too good for straight men though! But she will talk to them! Grace, like a moron, asks her if she would be alright taking part in a photo-shoot WITH A MAN BEHIND THE CAMERA! Dun dun durrrrn. Lisa doesn't answer and continues jawing about her complex relationship with mens, until Grace asks her why she's better than the other two girls currently awaiting judgment. Lisa says that she is full of character (she won't shut up!), has a split personality (she makes no sense!) and sometimes she comes across as shy! (if it involves shutting up, I'm all for it).

Julien asks her if she thinks she's got a beautiful face. Lisa then wins back all my love in 0 seconds flat by referring to her own face as "workable". Like...it's livable, like having one eye or mild dyspraxia. [It's a fixer-upper. - Steve] And the way she makes it work is...adjusting her hair a bit. LISA TO WIN! THE GIRL WITH THE WORKABLE FACE! She demonstrates her "sweet" (bitchy whilst tilting backwards), "sexy" (bitchy whilst tilting forwards), and "angry" (like Sasha Fierce - Toddler Edition) looks to him, to better state her case. Elle tells her she has good bone structure and a nice-shaped face, whilst looking more like one of the twiglet-aliens from Men In Black than ever, and asks Lisa to do her funny walk for them. Swish swish swish. It's crap.

The other two girls currently in the room do funny walks, and one of them reveals she is called some stupid name that even Victoria Beckham would baulk at, which she's clearly making up on the spot. This apparently is enough to get her put through, and Elle then puts Workable Lisa through for shits and giggles. Eh, I think she's peaked with calling her own face "workable" to be honest. Hope I'm wrong. Elle tries to make out this all because she saw potential in there...it's just that her hair was all wrong and it's not at all because she's a stank bitch. Yeah yeah yeah Elle. Tell it to Tyra.

Brief montage of Grace being rude to various girls now : she mimics one girl's stupid mouse voice, she tells one girl her rubbish hair is the least of her problems, she calls one girl boring, she coins the nickname "Miss Cardigan" for a girl wearing a cardigan [such wit! - Helen], she tells two girls that they aren't going to be models (HOW UNNECESSARY!). Montage ends with Grace flapping her lips like Jackie Wilson and bellowing "GIVE ME THE REAL STUFF!". It's never coming Grace. Unless you mean coke, and lots of it.

(*advertising break*)

As The Saturdays welcome us back from Fernando Alonso's lip-sync, we're minded of the four girls Julien tossed together at random earlier. One of these girls is called Charlotte. She's the one who's a stripper. A lap-dancing stripper at that. She tells us that she's been dancing in laps for two years now, and it pays the bills, and if she has to do it for the rest of her life then fair enough, but hopefully she can get out of that seedy seedy world of writhing around unnaturally whilst nude for men into the bright clean shiny world of modelling. Writing around unnaturally whilst nude for gay men.

In she walks with Julien's other three girls and Julien asks her if she's always wanted to be a model. She says yes, but she's always feared the rejection. Grace asks why she fears rejection, and Charlotte says it's because she had a troubled childhood, was bullied at school and people laughed at her for wanting to be a model. Elle starts off on an exegesis about how hard it is for women to really get a healthy and realistic image of themselves (WHICH IS WHERE THE MODELLING INDUSTRY COMES IN!), and seriously of all the people to save a young woman from the sex industry on TV this month, these four are by far the least inspirational. At least have John Simm play one of them. Or all of them. I don't care. [As far as I'm concerned, it's Damian Lewis or GTFO. - Steve]

We next cover how Julien found Stripper Charlotte - in a lap-dancing club (with Charlotte going full Dickensian urchin as she explains : "he found me at work so he did, in a lap-dancing class so it was, Mr Julien did ma'am") - and Grace pulls a massive inappropriate Kenneth Williams blowjob-face of shock until Elle yells "THAT'S REALLY COOL!" to stop her saying anything stupid. Elle asks Julien what the fun he was doing in a lap-dancing club with nudey girls in it. When he's a...you know...a gay. Eh, cheap condoms Elle.

Charley and Grace are shocked (shocked I tell you!) that a lap-dancer might not be a massive blowsy Jodie Prenger style tart-with-a-heart, and Stripper Charlotte explains that she has two different personas. Charlotte, and Rosie. Rosie's the one who does lap-dancing, and will end up murdering a john in the back of a Ford Fiesta in 8 months time when he gets a little too fresh. She tells Elle that if she put a pole in front of her, she'd werk it. So Elle gets Charlotte/Rosie to writhe around a bit of tetanus looking scafolding waggling her vagina about whilst Julien pretends this is giving him a boner. [I would say that one can only imagine Charley's face, but I'm not entirely convinced he's not a bit Ken Doll down there - Helen]


Julien's Girls take their leave, and we get this amazing exchange whilst they wait :

Grace : It's amazing that she's got that alter-ego thing, that she can turn into so many pe...
Elle : I'm sorry, she doesn't have an alter-ego, it's all in her head.



Anyway, Charlotte/Rosie gets through, because Julien wants her to (Grace HATES her), and Charlotte/Rosie says that she wants to show people that "dancers" aren't like what people think. They're "normal women-girls". Yes dear.

Montage of girls getting through and not getting through now : two girls do prayer hands of thanks, one girl does awful krumping, one girl touches her nose with her tongue, one girl says she's not a model, one girl strangles herself. Grace snorts like a submerging hippo. Elle decides she's bored of this crap, because she's got kids to look after and wanders off, leaving the sidekicks in charge. Fearne informs us that Elle has a "special night with the children" planned. If by "children" you mean "bottle of kahlua" Fearne, then maybe.

Julien, Grace and Charley all voluntarily eat on camera, to prove they are real, and then get back to judging.

First up is Alex. She tells us that she thinks she's a bit different to everyone else, because she's a bit bigger than they are. She wants to show us all that "big is beautiful". I notice that Elle got herself well out of the room to avoid having to offer an opinion on this whole can of worms. Yeah Elle, just stick to saying that strippers are cool and bitches are funny and would be great if they did something with their hair. Don't strain yourself.

Grace tells the girls that Elle's not there, and so "the lunatics" are running the asylum. She's mad she is. You don't have to be mad to be a BINT-MODEL judge, BUT IT HELPS! And so on. Alex is defensive off the bat grumbling "I'm a plus-sized model in case you hadn't noticed yet". Go home Alex. This is about as far away from owning it as you can get. Julien laughs in her face, and Grace tells her she's not technically speaking a plus-sized model, because she's not big enough. In fact she's not a model at all, she's a NORMAL PERSON EW EW EW GET OUT! Julien tells her that she can't just come in and claim a "Get Out Of Jail Fat" card - why should they bother with her above anybody else?

Alex replies that she's very determined and she can work really hard and she can also get her tits out. The judges then make her get her tits out and do a funny model walk. Mika sings "Big Girls You Are Beautiful And Also Balloons And Also Buffalo And Sometimes When I Look At Pictures Of Jensen Ackles I Feel All Funny BUT I'VE DEFINITELY DONE IT WITH A GIRL! RIGHT IN THE BOOBIES! AH-AH UGLY BETTY DESPERATEHOUSEWIVES SEXINTHECITYLIPSTICKJUNGLE!" or whatever the hell that abomination of a song is called. Everything on Alex bounces up and down as Grace screams "BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY!" at her, and Alex screws up her mouth like Peppermint Patty and hates every second of this.

Next up, Julien asks a girl in the same line-up whether she likes any model in particular, and the poor girl dares to say Giselle, which sets Julien off for absolutely no reason and he starts yelling at her about how she's "NEVER GOING TO BE GISELLE SO WHO THE FUNK DO YOU THINK YOU GET OFF THINKING YOU CAN BE GISELLE? YOU DON'T EVEN LOOK ANYTHING LIKE HER YOU FOUSTY OLD TROUT!" He then makes her get her tits out. Such an odd little man. Such an odd little show. This girl who is not Giselle is called Holly apparently. It's left to Fearne to inform us of this. She is through, Alex is (duh) not.

Alex cries her way out and it makes Leona Lewis wail like a distressed Fallopian Tube.

Two girls get through from the last group of the day. One of them is called Victoria, and she looks a bit like a sexy goblin. The other one...I'm guessing we'll never see again unless she gets a tooth-over. Rejected from this group is (Not That) Tulisa. She's giant, has clown hair, is dressed in denim, and has hoops I could fit my fists through (calm down Julien). Grace tells her she's beautiful and that she should keep trying and keep her chin up and all that, but it's not her this series. Tulisa just cries more, which makes Grace cry more, which makes Grace confused deep inside her carpet, so she decides Tulisa can go through anyway. She decides to dramatise this in the manner of the last 5 minutes of a Richard Curtis movie, sprinting after Tulisa telling her to STOP! THE JUDGES LOVE HER AFTER ALL! Sadly, Alex is still off crying and self-harming somewhere, so this isn't soundtracked by, say up-tempo Northern Soul, but instead with more Leona. WE CAN'T STOP THE LEONA! Stop crying Alex, wherever you are, you're ruining this moment for Tulisa with your neo-soul Snow Patrol covers! Selfish fatty normal person!

And that is the end of Cardiff.

(*advertising break*)

Fresh from the hell that is the prospect of "Chick Fix", we are in my home... well not town. Region. Home region. Lots of shots of the Bull Ring and the Bull Ring bull and Victoria Square and especially Selfridges, because Selfridges is to Birmingham as Big Ben is to London and The Eiffel Tower is to Paris. And how depressing is that? Our Great Work is a SELFRIDGES [It's better than the old Bull Ring being the mark of Birmingham - Helen]. Anyway stomping right outside Selfridges is Elle, looking like Bet Lynch after a nasty bout of anorexia. This should end well. She opens with "I'm about to go into the Bull Ring, which is a shopping centre", intoning the whole thing like she's David Attenborough and some Brummies are about to start absently trying to pick ticks off her in a charming fashion.

My people greet Elle with utter indifference. I'm so proud. Like, one girl paps her with an iPhone, and some people wave at the camera, but that's about it. Elle stomps around demanding that somebody, anybody, pay attention to her. It's amazing. One girl just stands there shovelling mini-eggs into her mouth as Elle begs her to audition, then walks off with a sneer on her face. Eventually Elle finds her level - 6 year old girls entering a shopping centre talent contest, fellow Australians, and one girl clearly planted by production. HA HA HA.

Birmingham 1, Elle 0. How I wish we had an anthem.

To the LG Arena now (because yes, this show needs an ARENA to hold all 14 potential contestants that have turned up), where lots of girls say they like modelling (handy!) and that there are so many tall, pretty girls here (surprising! I was expecting short fat hairy midgets! THE HEAT IS ON!). We close the pre-action maunderings of cattle. with one Brummie girl saying "if you can't stop thinking about something every day, then you should pursue it". See, I told the judge that regarding Darren Criss, and he didn't listen.

Elle turns up, followed by Grace in glasses with catwoman ears (*face*), and then Julien clutching...what appears to be a Craig David poster. Who would be surprised to hear that Julien is leaving out of his car? I would not be. Grace goes to get ready (oh yes, it gets worse), and Elle sneaks a peak. Grace looks like Elton John threw up candy floss all over Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Is what she looks like.

Speaking of unfortunate looks, Amy is our first girl of note. She's the same shade of white as a bloated corpse's feet, has the face of a girl that was burnt at the stake in the 16th Century for being a witch based on the evidence of facial structure alone, hair that sits on her forehead with all the ease and grace of Bruce Forsythe's, a chin you could rest pints on, and she's chuntering on about her art. She's the most modelesque person I've seen thus far! She's grotesque! I bet she takes great pictures! Why is Julien the only one noticing this? Why am I on Julien's side?

Julien and Elle ponder aloud as to how other human beings react to seeing Amy for the first time. Amy confirms it is either screaming, vomitting, or the full pitchfork treatment. Julien makes her do a funny walk, swish swish swish, and Amy goes full Angry Goth. She's such a star! Just cancel the whole competition right here. Sod off Bible Brenda, we have a winner. All the girls work out, and Elle, Julien and Charley all loathe Amy, because they're all jelus hatahs, but Julien just says "Jade Parfitt" over and over and over again, and guarantees that Amy will be in the Final Three. I wish...

Anyway, Julien goes on and on and on and on and on and even admits that he's older than Grace to pull rank, that's how much he loves Amy. So you best believe he's in love. Eventually his pleading gets Elle's special dispensation, and Amy is through. YAY! Julien tells her to go and google Jade Parfitt. A nation follows.

Montage of crying girls now, soundtracked by Jessie J doing like a man dem suga barrowman dem SUGAH DIRTY SUGAH. Actually it's just one crying girl but she's so boring it feels like a montage. Like every boring crying girl who thinks really wanting it so badly is the same as being interesting or likable purified down to one girl. She's called Rebecca. Anyway, she's followed by, per Fearne, "another Julien-looking model", also called Rebecca. Which is not to say that the model looks like Julien (more's the pity, can you imagine?), but rather she is really pale and skinny and druggy-chic and kind of washed out. Julien raves about her, but Grace whinges that she's got no pizazzle. She wants to find the new Elle, or the new Naomi, you know, a girl who works to 90s standards of beauty with an obnoxious attention-whore personality. Who cares if she's a MODEL? We want a personality! BRING BACK ALISHA! [Let's not and say we did. - Steve]

Julien honks loudly in her face until she shuts up talking nonsense. I don't know if I can recap this show if it's going to make me Team Julien this often, I just can't. Elle tells them both to calm down (as does Charley, but if a Charley talks and nobody's bothering to hear it, did it actually happen?), and she puts through both Model Rebecca and Crying (/Personality) Rebecca. NOTHING SAYS PIZAZZLE LIKE SNOT ON YOUR SLEEVE!

OK, actual montage now, of successful girls. Another Mika song plays (*fast forward*). Through the speed fast-forward I can tell one girl is so obviously better than everyone else in her room they declare her their queen and self-eliminate ; one girl has a name that means something in a language (like "peace of mind" or "tranquillity of bowels" or "pizza" or something) and does kick-boxing, and one girl who looks more like a member of the Sugababes than a model is liked be Grace (SURPRISE!).

More shots of the judges eating now (why? I have never seen a show that included so many unnecessary shots of people eating. I do not need to see these people perform basic bodily functions. Unless it is Charley having a shower obv kthz plz) as they discuss hideous fug-model Amy some more. Julien still loves her, Grace still doesn't, the creature itself is still flumping around looking like Noel Fielding in Planet Of The Apes. [I have nothing further to add now, because this is the exact moment that I completley zoned out - Helen]

(*advertising break*)

As we finish scribbling our itineraries for our day out at BINT-MODEL LIVE! (9am : whip mayonnaise eggs at Delita, 9:05am Go home), the show plonks us right back into Birmingham.

Before our next group enter, we get a brief preview of them waiting outside the judges room. Basically it's four girls stood in a little huddle as another screams at them and gesticulates and bugs her eyes out and plays with her hair and pulls stupid Atomic Kitten faces and cows them all with her laser-blast shotgun eyes. She is, surprise surprise, reality tv variety Scouse. Her accent is, at least, mild. Her name is Laurie.

She enters, gurning her face off at all the judges, and tells them all she teaches in a school for the deaf. Or at least, they're deaf when she's finished with them. She gets all the lirrle deaf kids to come out their shells, and she's dead bubbly and that. She basically makes deaf school sound like a Butlins at which she is Head Redcoat. Such fun. Julien tells her that she's very beautiful and very vibrant with "tossled hair", but being a catwalk model means looking like a miserable bitch at all times. Can she do this? Laurie tells him that she can. She's very versatile. Like a "Char-melion". Grace snoots "KA-melion" at her, like Julien didn't just full-on say "tossled".

Anyway Laurie can be a rock-chick or a decapitated corpse or a classic moment from Britain's Next Top Model history or whatever other moronic photoshoot concept you want her to embody. They make her do a funny walk, swish swish swish, and the funny walk reminds Grace of Abi Clancy, who is a real "personality" if ever I've seen one, so obviously Laurie is through. PERSONALITY! PIZAZZLE! As she walks out, Julien says that Laurie is the sort of girl that men actually want to have sex with. Well what is she doing going through then Julien? This is a show for models.

Two girls with the same haircut audition. The one that seems like kind of a phony (you know, based on two seconds of air-time) gets through. Charley gets to read this one out, just for something to do, or than sitting there being irrelevant. CHARLEY CAN READ DEAD GOOD MISS.


Another montage now, this time of rejects : one girl looks at the floor whilst she walks, one girl looks like a boy, but, you know, not in a model way , and then things get so bad a whole room of girls gets cut in one go. One girl is not very sexy and can't walk, and then a whole room just breaks into spontaneous voguing for no reason. None of them get through either. Eh, Elle's just angry because she got chewed up and spat out by the Bullring. Don't take it out on the rest of Birmingham just cause you couldn't handle the Bullring Elle. Not their fault you ended up making a little fort in H & M out of tipped-over clothes-racks and cried and cried and cried until they had to call Julien to come and get you to leave.

Finally in this montage of fail, we get Sarah, the winner of something called "People's Choice" from last year's series, which I'm guessing was some sort of online vote to pick a contestant. Apparently, despite this accolade, this girl didn't get into the house then, and she's certainly not going to now, as Grace doubts her Amazon potential. Sarah goes outside and calls Grace a bitch (but says she's still coming back next year, ok Sarah). Grace yells to camera about how the PUBLIC HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A MODEL, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Of course, I bet they're still going to get to decide the winner this year. [We weren't the people who put Alisha in the top three either, GRACE. - Steve]

Next up are the two girls that Elle found in Birmingham earlier. That's right, it's the producer plant, and Little Miss Mini Eggs who has, despite her attitude, actually turned up. That's my girl. Anyway, Production Plant is such a fresh off the street find that she's had a modelling job in-between meeting Elle yesterday and today, where they've screwed up her hair horribly. She still gets through, because she's Elle's baby, as is Little Miss Mini-Eggs.


Finally is Tanya Mikailovic (sorry, complete guess there), [according to someone on Facebook who was also at this audition, it's actually "Hania", but the show got it wrong - Steve] who is a quarter Serbian and on her last shot, at the ripe old age of 23. She has more eye-make up on than My Chemical Romance, Green Day and Taking back Sunday combined. Elle roots out her delightful ethnicity like a piggy hunting for truffles, then asks her what Serbian women look like. What the hElle? You sound like you're touting for a mail-order bride, cut it out. Tanya tells her, in a thick Brummie accent, that Serbian women are all beautiful and tall, with big eyes (*giggle giggle*).

Charley asks her to give him three words that encapsulate Tanya. She replies "God Damned Sexy" (*giggle giggle*). Charley asks which designer she'd like to work for, and she points at Julien and giggles some more. Julien then points out that she's wearing far too much make-up and they can't see her eyes, and suddenly giggly Tanya bolts mentally and starts shaking and panicking and saying she should have toned it down, and that she's taking from the panel the message "less is more". The panel nod and say "yes, less is always more". Grace says this. Grace who is dressed like a CIRCUS GANG-BANG.

Anyway, Tanya gets eliminated along with the rest of her room, thanks to Elle's anti-Brummie rage, but then Elle decides that she's changed her mind, and that if Tanya had gone and taken the make-up off her eyes spontaneously, she would have got through easy. So let's go and make her do it artificially and for the cameras! IN THE SPIRIT OF REALITY TV! Eh whatever Elle, Grace already did it. I know you were off with your booz...your kids at the time, but it still happened. Anyway, Elle runs after Tanya, and tells her to scrub all that crap off her eyes, and then they'll consider her again. Hilariously, Tanya tries to do so, but the muck is caked in that she can't get rid of most of it, and then she comes back in with it all still on all "what can you do?" (*shrug*) and the panel fiddle awkwardly and then let her through anyway, and pretend it was her jumper they had a problem with all along.

Oh yeah and she's got a kid and had 4 hours to live once or something.

I love this show.

Next week : Dublin! Ronan Keating tells Elle where to get all the good crack!

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