Girl on a wire

Week 3, 23^rd July 2012 – Top 14, I mean 13. Oh whatever.

Hello and welcome to week three of Bitching’s Next Top Model.  Last week you had Steve guide you through the choosing of the final 14. This basically involved the judges being horrible to everyone and pointing out their flaws. The voice of Fearne glosses over this, but chooses to show the “Please don’t gloat” *Gloats* bit instead.  Fearne also tries to convince us that we were invested enough in Millie to give half a hoot that she had to leave the competition for personal reasons. You can’t make me care Fearne. Sorry.

Today we are promised that the girls will be moving into the house and we’re back at the zoo, because that worked so well last year. There’s also Girls on a Wire which will not be as good as the Goldie Hawn film.

Titles! The New!Titles seem to be based on photography contact sheets but the overall effect is “Amsterdam Shop Window”. Oh dear. I’m not going to bore you with my ‘Why do they do the titles before the makeover episode’ rant again, but if you could just all replay it in your heads that would be awesome. [They are at least a step up from those awful titles last year. Little by little, we're getting there. - Steve]

The new Top Model House is very square.  Emma S tells us what a big day it’s going to be. Roxanne says that they were all trying to get the first look as they walked down the drive. Risikat thinks that it’s going to be AMAZING and she’s never stayed in a place so amazing. Lisa thinks it’s a house straight out of the Hollywood hills, but she’s the token bumpkin so she has to say that. Apparently, there’s no posh houses in Ireland. [There has to be at least one. I mean, there's an Apprentice: Ireland, isn't there? Where do the entrepreneurs live? - Steve]

The girls all walk toward the pool and look like they’re going to jump in, because that’s HILARIOUS, but none of them quite have the guts to do it because it looks like this has been filmed in the middle of winter and I can’t really blame them for that. It’s a tense moment until Madeleine <3 spots a giant handbag and screeches “IT’S A GIANT HANDBAG!!1” Everyone goes running over and we see that the giant handbag is a conduit for the Elle Mail.

Anita THE BITCH reads it out in the style of Stacey Solomon.  “Hi Girls! Welcome to your new home. I hope you like it. It’s time to see who are your new roomies. Pick a number from the handbag to find out. Love, Elle”. Following this there is a gripping montage where the girls all pick a number which corresponds to which bedroom they will be sleeping in. That’s three minutes of prime time Sky living right there.

Meanwhile, the goddess Madeleine is still getting the bitch edit without having actually done anything bitchy yet. Jennifer interbitches that she’s the type of roommate that you have to take in small doses.  To illustrate how awful Madeleine is, we see her screaming in the bathroom. To be fair, getting excited about the house is kind of the theme of this segment. Jennifer thinks she’ll have to spend a lot of time with Ann. See, this segment is a usefully non scripted segment that not only illustrates that we should be intolerant of Madeleine, but who’s sharing a room with whom. Thanks Jennifer!

Next up, some more girls scream at some more rooms. We’re not supposed to hate them though so this is ignored. There’s clothes and stuff in the rooms.  Everyone is just a little too excited. Especially Lisa who says it was “like, woah” and Madeleine who is opening drawers and telling everyone to look. Emma S is enjoying having the biggest room.

Risikat is not happy though. She’s frustrated by her bathroom. Madeleine is still happy though, and high fives Jennifer that they have a bath.  Now everyone is sitting round the television. I wonder what could be about to happen? Oh! It’s an Elle Mail which the girls SCREAM AT. Oh, so we’re supposed to hate Madeleine for screaming at a bath but not this? I give up. It reads “Hello Girls. Congratulations you have made it into the Top Model House... I hope you like it! To celebrate I have arranged a cocktail party so you can get to know your roomies a little better... Drinks at 7. Love Elle x”  Anita reads this one out to because the teacher has decided that she has a nice clear voice.

Lisa thinks that it will be nice to kick back. Oh Lisa, you haven’t seen this, have you? Penelope is scraping what she can from this whole experience by hoping that there’s going to be some fit waiters there. That’s more like it. Madeleine puts on her best party dress and tells Ann how she’s going to upstage everyone apart from her.  Yup, you will.

Because I’m psychic and I actually watch the show, I know that the cocktail party is going to be rubbish, and it is because it’s in the house. Emma G weakly interviews how great it is with the eyes of a hostage. The girls all clamour at the Cocktail Man because they’re starved of fun and they ask him to teach them how to do it. He gives them a look which suggests that he thinks that would be a waste of his time. He lets Emma G touch one of his bottles but that’s about it.

Penelope and Emma S have a good old chinwag in the “confessional room” about how being in the house makes them appreciate men. Penelope suggests that Anita should chat up the cocktail man whilst everyone else looks disinterested in nibbles. Roxanne tells the cocktail man he is smooth whilst another cocktail man appears from nowhere.  Fuelled by Penelope and booze, Anita then comes up with this little gem – “WHAT’S YOUR SHIRT MADE OUT OF IS IT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL AHAHAHAHA”. Roxanne and Madeleine openly laugh in her face.  Anne then interviews that the cocktailmen were hilarious and Anita was to. Cut to Anita leering at the cocktail men that she’s the only single one in the house (really?)  and the others want to couple her up. She honestly to goodness asks one of them if he fell from heaven then drunkenly interviews that they’re clearly playing hard to get.  Emma S and Penelope burp in the confessional room.

Net up we get a rather dull interview from Emma G about how everyone has let their hair down. Thanks Emma G! NEXT! Oh, hello Tamsin. You’re telling us about how GENUINE TOP MODEL WINNER JADE NO TAKEBACKS walked in when you were all pissed. Emma G pretends to be impressed.

Jade has presents for them all and just wants to wish them all good luck and tells them all not to be nervous because they can’t be as bad as her. She honestly says this. What a rare moment of self awareness.  Roxanne asks if it gets harder every week and Jade answers  a different question and says that she got upset sometimes. SPOKESMODEL. She wants them all to believe in themselves. She later goes to the confessional room and does some ‘fun’ stuff with Madeleine, Kellie, Penelope and Roxanne.  Roxanne pretends to be impressed. Madeleine puts an arm around Jade which Jade looks to be ‘enjoying’. Roxanne thinks that she could come and live in the house but not be in the competition as she’d only win again. Oh Roxanne, she’s won once, they won’t have to do that again. [No way in hell would Jade win an all-star series. She barely won the series she was in. - Steve]

Emma S tells us that after the party was over and everyone put their pyjamas on, they all sat round the television just in case an Elle mail popped up, and it did! “Hello girls. I hope you’re having fun in your new home. Enjoy tonight as the hard work starts early tomorrow... you’ll be taking a WALK on the WILD side, as you become one step closer to becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Love Elle x”. Ooh, the old ‘get them pissed and get them up in the morning’ tack. One of my favourites.  Emma S wants to know exactly how early early is. It’s five am bitches. Deal with it.

Adverts. Nobody asked me if I wanted Katy B to sing my Olympic Coke advert song.

So, we find out that WILD means Chessington world of Adventures.  Jennifer tells us what we are about to see, which is a buggy arriving like we’re on Jurassic Park or something. There’s a man with a megaphone on the buggy. I don’t know who he is. He introduces himself as Matt Henry, the catwalk coach for models one. IT’S THE SHIT BRITISH MISS JAY EVERYONE! REJOICE! He tells them that to be a top model they need a fierce signature walk. He’s going to give them the tools to give them just that. He would like them to put some heels on and meet him in five.  This is met with applause. APPLAUSE!

Risikat is mildly confused that the Shit Miss Jay is wearing pink stilettos. 1. They’re not stilettos and 2. For someone that’s tried to get on this for four years you don’t seem to know what a runway coach is. It’s a man in a pair of heels that tells women how they should walk. I expected better, Risikat. The catwalk is basically a rug running through the small animals enclosure. What Shit Miss Jay wants first is a high energy walk that leads from the hips. The girls are actually pumping up for this. Madeleine’s walk is FEEEEASS. Emma G’s makes me want to laugh until it stops. She interviews that it’s harder than it looks. No lovely, you make it look harder than it looks.

Jennifer’s walk is ok. Madeleine takes great joy in telling us that it’s terrible.  Roxanne and Tasmin don’t even get to walk by themselves, so nondescript are their walks. Tasmin interviews that “walking is hard”. Maybe for some. Rubbish Miss Jay is not happy with her either. He gets so ‘vex’ that he TAKES HIS COAT OFF.  Jennifer thinks that a lot of things don’t make sense about this little segment. I applaud her detective skills. Rubbish Miss Jay does a LOLARIOUS impression of them sticking their bums out. Madeleine bitchterviews that she thought Anne was going to be good at walking because she’s done modelling before but this cuts to Rubbish Miss Jay telling her that she’s rubbish.  Anne interviews that it’s weird that Rubbish Miss Jay thinks she’s rubbish because she’s done catwalk before and has also had two catwalk training sessions.  I think she may be suggesting that Rubbish Miss Jay is picking holes in everyone for televisual purposes. I could be wrong.  Jennifer finally pleases him.

Emma G interviews that SURPRISE! That wasn’t the actual challenge. Rubbish Miss Jay tells us that the catwalk isn’t a one woman show, and that some (really) designers like you to walk with fluffy and/or scaly friends. I’m not claiming to be some kind of fashion expert, but has anyone ever seen a model walking or posing with an animal outside of the Top Model universe? Answers on a postcard please.  Everyone makes faces. Rubbish Miss Jay has pictures of animals in envelopes that he’s giving out. Tasmin’s got a parrot. Roxanne’s got a chicken. She interviews that she’s UNHAPPY about this. Lisa makes the mistake of telling the production team that she doesn’t like snakes so she gets a snake. Kellie gets a ferret. Penelope is happy to get a Meerkat which is what Anita was hoping to get, but she gets a skunk because she’s a skank. Jennifer is happy to get a rat because she’s LOLKOOKY. Letitia isn’t happy to get a snake, Emma S gets a ferret, Anne gets a skunk and Madeleine gets a Meerkat.  Madeleine interviews that she didn’t know a Meerkat was an actual animal. OH MADELEINE, IT WAS GOING SO WELL. Anita interviews that she doesn’t deserve a Meerkat if she doesn’t know what they are.  TV highlight of the weeeeek.

First up, the snake girls, Lisa and Letitia. Lisa interviews that she nearly died when the snake came out of the bag. Emma G interviews that Lisa froze when the snake landed on her because she’s got a phobia or something. Lisa interviews that she had to pretend that it was a scarf in order to cope. She’s helped in coping with the situation by having Rubbish Miss Jay shout USE THE SNAKE at her. Fair play to the girl though, she did it. Even Madeleine was mildly impressed. Next up is Letitia. She’s fair. Kellie and Emma walk with some ferrets held out in front of them. It’s bizarre but not as bizarre as Jennifer with a rat or Madeleine and Penelope clutching Meerkats to their chests. Anita looks terrified of the skunk and runs up the catwalk like it’s actually Pepe Le Pew and she’s a kitten who’s had a mishap with some white paint. Anne interviews that she wasn’t worried about the skunk, just fixing her broken down walk, which she seems to vaguely manage.

Next up, Risikat interviews that she was going to use the chicken as a handbag, but had underestimated the size of the chicken. It’s certainly the biggest chicken Emma G’s ever seen. Roxanne claims the chicken was turkey sized. It is a big chicken.  Emma S’s one is tiny though. Rubbish Miss Jay reminds them to make their chickens look sexy. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Roxanne’s chicken is ENORMOUS and she quite rightly claims that carrying it is a two handed job. Emma G thinks that it’s hilarious but admits she did a good job. Rubbish Miss Jay tells her to work the chicken. This chicken didn’t escape the battery farm to be worked by a sixth week out contestant on this programme, Rubbish Miss Jay. Emma S interviews that although her chicken was tiny in comparison to Roxanne’s, it began to flap. She handled the flapping like a professional though. A professional BIG GIRLS BLOUSE. She lets go and loses the chicken.

Risikat then interview that she loved the parrot and it was beautiful. Tasmin doesn’t have as much luck as the parrot clearly doesn’t like her. Rubbish Miss Jay claims that it’s all about the confidence and berates her walk as the parrot flies away. He tells her that it’s ‘not great’. No shit. She sits down and says that she’s not going to cry. Roxanne tells her to “channel it” and I’m suddenly filled with an urge to punch Roxanne in the tit.

RESULTS TIME! Awesomely, we have a bottom of the class award. This goes to Tamsin. Rubbish Miss Jay apologises but tells her in the most patronising tone EVAR to ‘keep trying’. However, there can only be one winner and that’s Risikat. She wipes away a pretend tear then gloaterviews that he didn’t criticise her once all day and he loves her walk and it’s PURE PERFECTION.

Back at the house, the bitching has begun, surprisingly, with Anita. She’s sad with Emma S, Penelope and Kellie saying that when she walked in she didn’t peg Risikat as competition. This is also the girl who though it would be a good idea to mess with Madeleine so I wouldn’t listen to a word she says.  Emma S wants to know why nobody thinks she’s competition. It’s because you’re filler, love. Penelope, bless her, answers this question in a non facetious manner by saying that if she only had a bit of confidence they would all be quaking in their boots but she doesn’t so they’re not. Tasmin, who now only has indeterminate origins now also has an indeterminate accent is upset that she came bottom of the walking but will now try really hard not to go home.

Everyone is now sat round the telly in their pyjamas so it must be time for another Elle Mail. “Hello girls. Being a Top Model has its ups and downs. Your next photoshoot will be no different. Hair and makeup will arrive in the house early in the morning, make sure you are ready. Love, Elle x”. Now comes my favourite bit, the bit where they all guess WHAT IT COULD ALL POSSIBLY MEAN. Guesses include “Bungee jumping” and “trampoline in the garden”. Oh, Britain’s Next Top Dumb Model Stereotype reinforcer. You don’t disappoint.

It’s now the morning by the magic of television! There’s a hair and makeup montage in which everyone is still wondering what the HECK it could all mean. Risikat tells us conspiratorially that Anita thinks it’s a lift. Bless. Tasmin is feeling positive and she’s hoping to keep this up and do well.

At the studio they’re met by an actual person who is actually called Bip Ling. Apparently she’s a fashion blogger. Anyone? No?  Ok. Bip Ling has one of those voices that women use to come across as less intelligent than they are. She tells the girls that they are about to literally go to new heights of fashion. She introduces them to the Client. Her name is Jodie Fox and she’s the co founder of Shoes OF PREY. Oh Shoes OF PREY! OF COURSE.  They make unique, bold and beautiful customer designed shoes and the company is going to turn the girls into beautiful butterflies in as much as they will be floating in the air, just like Bip is about to be. They demonstrate this by hoisting her into the air. They will be posing in pairs and as the challenge winner, Risikat will be posing alone. This does not please Madeleine. Jodie wishes them luck as they head off to get their clothes on.

Today’s Fit Photographer (TM) is called John. He’s fit in a kind of baldy way. It’s Anne and Madeleine first. Anne is worried that her face might be pained. Madeleine interviews that she couldn’t move. Bip uses the word deffo un-ironically whilst everyone backstage goes on about how great Anne is. Bored.

After the adverts someone pretends to faint. YAWN.

We’re back!  There’s some gratuitous advertising for the company that run the studio and we’re already on to Letitia who loves being in the air. She’s with Tasmin who according to Bip has gorgeous legs. Tasmin now has a Trinidad accent as she interviews how she can’t make any mistakes. Anita THE BITCH does nothing to change my mind about her by bitching about how Letitia always (we have two weeks to go on here) gets the best make up and dresses. Risikat who is now my new hero suggests that perhaps it looks better because it’s on her face, leaving the ‘And not on yours’ implied. Beautiful. Because Anita is as good at being clever as she is at being nice, she thinks that this is a genuine suggestion.  Tasmin hopes she gets a good shot but is aware that it might not be meant to be.

Next up is Jennifer and Penelope. Jennifer interviews about how much the hoist hurt her legs. Oh Jennifer, you never bitch. If it hurts, it’s your fault.  Penelope interviews that it was going really well and the client came over to ask them a question and Jennifer’s face went a funny colour. Jennifer said that she felt sick and light headed and didn’t know whether to puke or pass out. We see this situation play out in front of our eyes, including Jodie propping Jennifer up in an act of heroism.

Over with the others, Risikat is enjoying the whole thing far too much and Penelope is worried if Jennifer doesn’t pull herself together she won’t get her shot. YAY SISTERHOOD! Penelope helps the situation by telling Jennifer that she got a moustache of sweat. Jennifer apologises to Jodie and the girls all rubberneck but only Anita claims to feel bad about it.  Jodie, Bip and the Fit Photographer all talk about how worried they were before Jennifer pulled it out of the bag.

I think that I’m going to have to digress a moment here. I know that sometimes you have to go back and film little bits of shows where you didn’t get the angle but this whole thing just feels really fake.  The shots were all good, and that little bit with them all sat around the monitor talking about Jennifer ‘pulling it out the bag’ was just a bit staged for me. [And the fact that everyone was SO SUPPORTIVE seemed awfully convenient. - Steve] But anyway.

Kellie and Emma G look amazing. Bip agrees and thinks they are winners. Roxanne and Emma S are “cute” apparently. They hug and the photographer loves it. Roxanne confesses that they grabbed hold of each other because they were scared. Emma S is asked if she feels confident. She doesn’t know. You haven’t been paying attention to the coven, Emma S! Anita’s turn. She’s really nervous because everyone’s been good so far. She’s on with Lisa and they’re described by Jodie as being a bit ‘rabbit in the headlights’. I have nothing to add to that as its fair and accurate. They improve by the end and Bip thinks they’re like fairies.

Next up its Risikat. Everyone is bitching that they didn’t get a photo on their own.  I wouldn’t worry too much. She appears to be doing all pron poses. Bip thinks she’s gorgeous. I bet Bip is a guest judge. That’s just my luck.

Everyone arrives back in the house to an Elle mail. It’s the one about blah blah elimination. I won’t bore you with it again. The girls look shocked at the news. I told you they weren’t bright. Jennifer and Letitia pretend that they don’t know who they want to leave. Anita pretends too. Roxanne sits in the confessional and says she doesn’t care if someone goes <3. Emma S isn’t sure if she’s doing modelling right. Bless.  Tasmin is worried that she’s in the worst position so she’s going to stay awake all night and stress.

We’re reintroduced to the judges.  There’s a lot of Tyson’s face and they’re STILL trying to convince me that Whitney is a fashion icon. Julien does the best fake headtoss and laugh to camera I have ever seen and Elle is still unbelievably MEH. But hang on, the guest judge isn’t professional Helen annoyer Bip, it’s ALESHA RUDDY DIXON who claims to be a big Bintmodel fan. If you’re reading Alesha, we love you too.

Elle welcomes the girls to the elimination room. Elle reminds us that thirteen minus one is twelve. Prizes! Elle reminds them what they’ve just done and it’s time to see their pictures.

Anita and Lisa first. Lisa has clearly done better than Anita. Tyson complains that she lost the shoes and Whitney says that it’s obvious that Lisa was in front because she ‘got the wind in a better way’. Emma G and Kellie next. Kellie appears to be begging Emma not to leave her. Julien thinks that there’s no doubt Emma G is a sexbomb but she needs to use her beauty more. Alesha likes that Kellie did something different but she didn’t do it right and Tyson just says that she showed the shoes off well. Buuurn.

Adverts! Grr! I thought we made our feelings on mid-judging breaks clear. [Dammit! They were doing so well, too. - Steve]

We return for Roxanne and Emma S’ shot. Elle tells off Emma for hiding the shoes. Alesha loves the top half of the photo, which is the twee half. I have to transcribe Julien's bit because it can’t be summarised.

“Emmaress you know you have to be much more stronger much more confident you’re just floating in the air but with no atmosphere and no fun of the girl next girl to you she is the Roxy chick of the picture”

Anyone? Bueller?

Elle moves swiftly on to Penelope and Jennifer.  Elle wants to know what happened to make Jennifer dizzy. Jennifer thinks she went too far forward then too far back. Elle thinks it’s unusual that the water in Jennifer’s cochlear moved around too much thus confusing her centre of gravity which was  compromised anyway what  with her not having her feet on the ground because she’s got a tough exterior and people with tough exteriors don’t have normal physiological reactions and calls her a wimp. FUCK OFF ELLE.

Their shot is amazing though. The only thing that ruins it are the shit shoes.  Elle admires Jennifer’s face and persona but she doesn’t do it in the picture. Whitney likes Penelope’s arm. Anne and Madeleine fare a bit better. Tyson wishes that Madeleine was in the front more and Alesha thinks that Anne nailed it because if she opened a magazine she’d be drawn to her. Letitia and Tasmin next. Tyson refers to Letitia as “she” as in “she looks short” but thinks that it might be because Tasmin is tall. Letitia tries to laugh this off. Whitney calls Tasmin’s pose ‘nice’ and tells her not to lift her chin up too much.

Finally Risikat. She walks in like she OWNS THE ROOM.  They’ve managed to pick a non suggestive photo for her. Whitney thinks that she could straighten her arm a bit. Alesha thinks its ‘halfway there’ and that the (ugly) shoes look amazing. Julien thinks she needs to be expensive but she looks cheap. Risikat tries to appeal to Julien but he doesn’t care.

Elle and the judges go off to deliberate. Anita is feeling the burn. Emma S is sad that they didn’t encourage her more. Letitia thinks that she looks normal and Tasmin says that everyone is short next to her.

Judging! Anita and Lisa first. Whitney thinks that Anita needs to work on her face and Lisa is strong. Julien agrees but thinks Anita is lost in the wind like a snowman (?!?!).  Jennifer and Penelope next. Elle acknowledges that Penelope isn’t one of ‘Tyse’s favourites and he says that he doesn’t think they should waste any more time on her but Whitney thinks her pose is one of the strongest. Alesha thinks Jennifer has more potential and she has a good vibe and look. Emma G and Kellie are both keepers to Tyson but Julien thinks that Emma looks like she’s carrying Kellie on her back. Everyone pretends that this is a real insight that a judge gets paid for. Whitney starts her next sentence with “yes but”. It’s yes, but there’s a vast improvement.

Next up to the block are Roxanne and Emma S. Whitney doesn’t think that Emma S has what it takes and Julien thinks the only model in the picture is Roxanne.  Anne threw it out the park but Elle thinks the jury is out on Madeleine. The jury is also out for Tasmin because her pose is awful and she’s been consistently ‘not good’. That’s a good a reason as any. Julien wonders if Letitia is just a page three girl. Alesha thinks that Risikat needs to reprogramme her brain about being sexy. Elle makes a wise face as Julien says that Risikat needs to be chic and not cheap. You’ve been working on that Julien, I can tell.

So, who’s through? Anne! She’s getting pic of the week. She’s followed by Lisa, Roxanne, Letitia, Anita, Emma G, Risikat (or pussy cat apparently lol), Madeleine (by the skin of her teeth) ,  Jennifer is safe FOR TONIGHT  and Penelope is the last called.  Cue lots of backstage crowing.

Tasmin and Emma S are in the bottom two. Blah beautiful girls. Blah potential. One of them will go further than the other and the one with more potential is Tasmin. By Emma S! You made a vague impression on me and I have to forget you just as I’ve learned which one you are.

She’s frustrated and disappointed with herself for not doing as well as she thought she would. She thinks it’s harder because she got in the house then had to leave and she’s achieved nothing. YUP.

NEXT WEEK MAKEOVERS!!!11 <3 <3 <3 My favourite. Join Steve to see how they pan out...

Arabian fights

Top 17: 16th July 2012

BintModel is back, the Voice of Fearne reminds us. This is in case any of us had better things to do last Monday at 9pm like, for example, watching Revenge. REVEEEEEENGE! This timeslot clash is going to cause trouble for me because I would far rather watch Revenge live given the choice, but I sort of feel a responsibility towards this show the same way one feels an obligation towards a drunken friend on a nightbus at 2am. I'm not happy about it, but I made a deal many years ago that I can't renege on just because I'd rather be doing something else.

Anyway, we began last week with 20 girls in Dubai; two of them decided that the life of an international jetsetter was not for them and walked before the first elimination, while poor Danielle got eliminated at breakfast because Elle couldn't see a future for her. There are only 14 places in the BintModel house, so we need to ditch another three by the end of tonight's episode. Even though they're dragging out the qualifying rounds over two weeks, I still vastly prefer this approach to last year's godawful endless auditions. At least the show seems to be setting a pace here, however falteringly. Fearne reminds us of what happened in last week's episode, but you don't need Fearne when you have Helen, so pop over and read her recap of events if you need to catch up. Don't worry, I'll wait; just remember to come back here when you're finished.

All done? Jolly good. Let's continue.

This week, we're still in Dubai, and there appears to be some sort of swimsuit-off as the girls meet all the judges properly for the first time. On first impressions this feels rather more Miss World than BintModel, but I'll reserve judgement until we get there. They'll also be joining Elle and Mad Uncle Julien for a photoshoot, where there will be further cross words fired amongst the hopefuls.

We pick up in the wake of Danielle's exit, where Diona says that it really feels like a competition now that someone's been sent home who watches it as much as she does, a sentiment that's echoed by Lisa [I love how 'Watching this shit' has become a reason that you should be on the show. I should be on this then. If only for Julien's utter shitfit - Helen] . Apparently that whole part earlier in the proceedings where they were being paraded around, photographed and openly judged just felt like a regular Thursday for Diona and Lisa. Risikat (I'm with Helen on this: Best Name Ever), on the other hand, thinks there's no time to sit around feeling bad about poor, unmodelly Danielle, because bitches are going to be cut again and again and again until only one of them is left standing. "And her name will be Risikat" hangs unspoken in the air.

Since the girls are at some sort of aquarium-restaurant (hey, it's Dubai after all), the editors go mad inserting shots of circling sharks until we all get the metaphor until a diver arrives with a board that holds a message for the contestants: "Hi girls, it's time for the judges to get to know the real you. Bikinis on and meet us by the pool in one hour. Love Elle x" Everyone squeals with excitement, because objectification is awesome!

Fearne reminds us who the judges are this year to fill some time while everyone gets changed, and then informs us that this is the only chance the girls will get to spend time with all four judges (this side of their first proper elimination ceremony, anyway), so it's important to make an impression and stand out. Anita is up first, and Elle clucks that she looks nervous, then says that the others have told her Anita was a disaster at the shoot yesterday. Well, that might be why, mightn't it? Anita admits that she fucked up and spent the whole time squinting - she attempts to demonstrate for the judges, but she's so useless that she can't even get that right, and Tyson has to show her exactly how stupid she looked. Whitney says that she only had 15 minutes to do the shoot, but each minute was a disaster, which is a sentence that ought to mean something, but kind of doesn't [She doesn't say anything Steve. She just makes noises. I don't get it. - Helen]. Julien advises Anita to aim more for fashion and less for page three, because nobody wants to be a glamour model if they can be a fashion model. Except fashion models so rarely get asked for their opinions on the deficit crisis while posing in a bikini and coated in lard, so perhaps glamour modelling is the thinking woman's career choice [*Like* - Helen]. Anita gives him a nervous thumbs-up, and I think the main impression Anita created her was "neurotic mess". I wouldn't have minded her calling out Madeleine quite as much as she did last week if she'd had anything to back it up, but so far I'm thinking all Anita has to contribute to the show is stank. And not even particularly high quality stank at that. Anyway, Anita hopes she doesn't come across too glamour-modelly, because that's not her at all.

Up next is Roxanne, and Elle wants to know more about Roxanne's daughter and whether being the mum of a two-year-old is going to be difficult in this competition. Roxanne says that she's trying to channel that as a strength, and insists that she's not walking away. Tyson says that he loves that attitude, and the others quickly back him up - presumably since they've lost two models to the quitting disease already and are worried it might be contagious. Roxanne's walk needs work because she keeps looking down, so Tyson gets up and shows her how it's done, holding her hand to guide her through it. I have a lot of fun here imagining how Helen would cope in this scenario; I'm guessing she'd be pretty much an Alex Mack-style pool of goo on the floor by now [*Sigh*. He's so pretty - Helen]. Roxanne goes off to brag to the others about her close encounter of the Tyson kind, vowing never to wash her hand again.

Tasmin is next, and is thrilled when Elle tells her she has a great body. Julien isn't sure whether her swimsuit makes her look like a top model or a pole dancer (I don't see why she can't be both if she wants to; this is the 21st century after all) but he thinks she looks very sexy anyway. Then we have Lisa, who just causes the judges to squawk "good walk! good walk!" over and over again like myna birds. Following her is Risikat, who Elle thinks looks pleased to be here, but Risikat kind of ruins it by saying how nervous she is, because this is her fourth year of applying and she's been trying to do this since she was 18. And really, four years of being deemed inferior to the likes of Kimberleigh, Imogen and Delete Her really would take a toll on ones self-esteem. Julien tells her that it's her time to shine, and that she could almost be his girlfriend. I don't know about you guys, but I'm taking that comment to mean "you look mannish". Everyone crows about how Julien's got a favourite already, but let's remember how that worked out for Jessica last year. Julien declares it's nice to see someone who's gorgeous, glamorous and sexy. Whitney, Elle and Tyson all laugh, but are clearly thinking "what about us, bitch?" Anyway, that cures Risikat's nerves. Hooray!

Next we have Diona, who gets a grilling from Elle over whether she wants to be an actress or a model. Diona says, not wholly convincingly, that she definitely wants to be a model, and there's a finite window of opportunity for that and if she's not careful the ship might sail. Elle retorts that the ship might sail anyway. Whitney says that she hasn't seen Diona act, but based on the past two days, she thinks she might be better suited for acting. OUCH. Diona replays these exchanges for the other girls, who all recoil in horror. Also getting a tough time of things is Penelope, who Julien thinks doesn't look like a model. Penelope stammers that they're not all models yet and that's why they're here, which Elle and Tyson concede is a good answer, while Julien responds that there's only so much he can do: "I'm not the Wizard of Oz." That's a shame: if he was, he could have given Grace a brain, or Charley a personality, or Whitney a point to her existence. Penelope says she doesn't need the Wizard of Oz, just some direction. Afterwards, she and Diona bond over their shared sense of impending doom.

Jennifer is next, and talks about her love of tattoos, including a very special one dedicated to her mother who died of breast cancer. I'm not a fan of tattoos, but I'm also not going anywhere near the idea of cancer deaths as a mine for laughs, so let's move on. Elle asks if all the tattoos and piercings are a deliberate attempt to make herself stand out (duh), and Jennifer says she doesn't want to fade into the background. Julien says that models sell an aspiration of beauty and perfection when they pose in a designer's clothes, and he doesn't get that from Jennifer, although Elle and Tyson don't agree. Whitney kind of has nothing to say apart from asking Tyson about whether his tattoos get airbrushed (which they do), but Elle points out that Tyson is a superstar, so it's not a like-for-like comparison.

Then there's Madeleine, whom I don't love quite as much as Helen does, but I enjoy her being on this show just because it reminds me of Victoria Wood's "modelling, Madeleine?" routine. Tyson reminds Madeleine that he's mad at her, and Madeleine, hilariously, can't remember why at first. Interestingly, the flashback the show uses to demonstrate "Madeleine talking back to the photographer" doesn't actually show her saying anything, and once again the line on this show between "asking questions to ensure you're doing what they want you to do" and "answering back and being sassy" is far too blurred [It's wherever the producers want it to be it seems - Helen]. Personally I think Madeleine was guilty of nothing more than naive overenthusiasm, but hey, I wasn't there. Julien asks her the very loaded question of what the other girls might think of her, and Madeleine says they probably find her intimidating, because she puts on a mean, guarded face - although she doesn't do so on purpose. Still, "I can't control what my face does" is probably not the best line of defence on a modelling show.

Emma S is next, and is nervous. Elle says that she needs to show them she has what it takes to become BintModel and she's not seeing it right now, so "get there". Imagine if doctors worked like that: "I need you to show me what a person who does not have a life-threatening heart condition looks like, but I'm not seeing it right now, so get there." Julien doesn't see a model in front of him, and hopes she can prove him wrong. Emma S goes off for a bit of a cry with the other girls, which leads to the following incredibly apt summary of the roles of the judges on this show.

Emma S: Julien said I didn't look like a model.
The Others: (dismissively) Yeah, but: Julien.
Emma S: Elle said it as well.
The Others: Oh.

The search continues with a group of girls who are marked out by their inability to make an impression, if that makes sense. Elle has no recollection of Kellie from the first day (actually, neither have I) - Kellie's excuse is that she's an Irish country bumpkin who has never seen car parks or aeroplanes or other girls before. After her is Louisa, who works as a stylist and gets praised on her fashionable look by Whitney. Asked where modelling fits in to her styling work, Louisa replies that she's interested in fashion, and wanted to see how far she could go as a model. "So it's not your passion?" confirms Whitney. Uh-oh. After Louisa leaves, Whitney shoots her down for being "so boring", and if Whitney Port finds you boring, you have serious problems. Emma G follows, and says that she's shy until she gets to know people. Elle tells her that the industry isn't just about your look but also your personality. Julien worries that she could blend into the background, so he needs her to "snap, crackle and pop". After her is Amelia, who is sporty and loves animals, but Elle hopes that "your features will be stronger than your personality". Whitney points out that the girls are all so nervous they're actively twitching. Nah, they're probably just getting a head start on that coke habit they'll need to develop if they want to make it in the fashion world.

From there, we move on to the girls who did stand out, for better or worse. Letitia has great norks, much to Julien's delight. She's a 32DD, and "sometimes you just can't hide 'em," nods Whitney sagely. Letitia rejoins the others, and Kellie delivers the line that made me laugh so much I was, probably for the first time, glad we decided to recap this series after all: "I've actually never seen a body like that up close in person. We're all, like, ogling her like a pack of lesbians." At least, I think she says "lesbians" - she gets as far as "les" and starts giggling, but I can't imagine where else she would've been going with it. Either way, Kellie is my new favourite [I love that we're getting some actual personalities this year. Not forced Big Brother style personalities. *cough* Alisha *cough* - Helen] . Anna's walk is criticised ("you look like you're walking to the office," sniffs Tyson), so Tyson undoes his shirt in the hope that it will help her to walk more sexily. It does. Man, Tyson's pheromones must be powerful. They need to bottle that shit and sell it. Flapper-girl Anne is the only girl who didn't look down to hit the mark, which Tyson thinks is a very good sign. Julien thinks she's odd - she has a small head, a massive nose and chunky thighs - but that makes her interesting. The judges dismiss themselves with an impromptu rendition of 'Hit The Road Jack'. Bless.

The girls return to their quarters and find Elle-Mail waiting for them: "Hi ladies, tomorrow will be your final chance to prove to the judges that you deserve a place in the Top Model house. We don't want you to get the hump, so make sure you're ready at 9am. I'll see you there, love Elle x" At the very mention of hump, Diona squeals "camels!" and everyone gets very excited. This lot clearly don't watch enough reality TV - any seasoned viewer of The Amazing Race will tell you that camels are about the most uncooperative animals out there. Anita says to Jennifer: "There's nothing else that's got humps, is there? It's just camels. They're not going to bring camels inside, so I'm going to be outside in the sun - what if I start squinting again?" Alarmingly, that all sort of makes sense. Diona, perhaps regretting her earlier excitement, tells some of the others that camels "stink". Emma S is excited about getting direction from a genuine supermodel.

Unfortunately, the next day Dubai is hit by a freak sandstorm, so there will be no camels and no sunshine. Good news for Anita and Diona, bad news for the production team. The girls look out at the weather glumly: "I may as well be back in Ireland," opines Kellie. Nonetheless, the shoot must go on, so the girls are transplanted to an indoor location for hair and make-up. There are gratuitous close-ups of Revlon cosmetics, so now we know why that Product Placement P was there at the top of the show. Emma G wants to prove to Elle that she can be memorable, and Amelia forecasts that this is their last chance to impress the judges before the next elimination.

The first group consists of Anna, Madeleine and Letitia dressed in colourful Arabian clothes, who go out to meet Elle and Julien. Elle tells them that she wants them to treat it like a shot for Harper's Bazaar or Vogue (what, not Company?) and work on getting a great picture together. It seems to be going well - there is constructive criticism from Elle and Julien during the shoot which is quite refreshing, especially in contrast to Tyson and Whitney's efforts last week. Letitia is praised for her bone structure and long neck. Elle tells them they're all doing really well, and Anna says they're "setting the bar high, that's what we want." I like Anna. Elle calls it a wrap, and tells them how well they worked together as a group - but warns them not to gloat in front of the others. Spoilsport. They troop back in and Anna exclaims to the others that it went really well, and Madeleine reminds her that Elle said not to gloat. Anna's all "how am I gloating? Don't tell me not to tell them the truth!" Heh.

Group 2 is Amelia, Roxanne, Emma G and Emma S. They have a bit more trouble, with Elle advising Roxanne not to get lost and warning Emma S that her feet are making her look all warped. "Like a preying mantis?" asks Emma S, and Elle agrees. Amelia is advised to close her mouth, and Emma G gets as far as "because the dress is so floaty..." before Elle cuts her off to say that if they're not saying anything, it's because you're doing it right. Heh. Things improve after that, it seems. Julien liked Emma G in particular. Emma S is not convinced she got a good shot.

After the ads, we're up to Group 3, which is Jennifer, Anita, Tasmin and Anne. Julien likes Jennifer better now he can't see her tattoos. Anita just about manages not to squint. Elle tells them they all did great, but after the girls leave, Julien points out that none of them were spectacular either, and wonders if the clothes were doing all the work. Group 4 is Louisa, Lisa and Diona. Louisa is warned not to look too much like Barbie, and Elle starts criticising the photographer's direction. After a while, Mad Uncle Julien gets bored and throws himself into the pictures. Outside, the Group 4 girls are all agreed that they have absolutely no idea how it went, and don't know if that's a good or a bad sign. Back on set, Elle thinks that group aren't strong beauties individually, and Julien thinks there's "not much left" beneath the make-up and the hair.

Finally we have Risikat, Kellie and Penelope. Julien tells them they've got the worst outfits of any of the girls (he's not wrong) so they'll have to work that much harder to get a good picture. The photographer begins, and Julien thinks the outfit is making Risikat look "huge", so he and Elle encourage her to bare her legs. I imagine that's not normally an option that's available to an Arabian bride, but sure, why not? There's better news for Kellie, whose kaftan turns out to be quite photogenic, and Penelope, who has great legs. Elle thinks that despite Penelope not being as naturally pretty as the others, she really worked the shoot. The girls fret about the upcoming elimination.

Later, in the models' quarters, Elle-Mail arrives on a platter. Letitia reads it: "Hi ladies, it's now time for the judges to deliberate which 14 girls will continue in their dream to become Britain And Ireland's Next Top Model. The Top Model house is ready - are you?" The girls gasp at the mention of 14, because they are relatively clever by model standards and have worked out that means three of them are going home.

The next day, everyone is preoccupied with the impending elimination. Anna says she's had a fun few days in Dubai, but she wants to know if she's in now. Diona says that she just wants to get into the house: "that's the biggest achievement, it doesn't matter when you go." I feel sad for anyone who has "get as far as the Top 14 on BintModel" as an actual life goal. Risikat and Letitia talk about how they don't want it to end. Emma S still thinks she's going, and Roxanne pulls out the "I've left my whole life behind" card. Anne says this is a massive opportunity, and Penelope just wants to know if she's going home so she doesn't get her hopes up.

Meanwhile, the judges have cocktails and sofas on the beach, and are deciding who to put through. Anna, Letitia and Madeleine are up first. I have to say, the front-on shot of Anna really does not flatter her nose at all. Whitney doesn't like Anna in this shot, but loves her personality in person. Tyson isn't a fan of the picture either, but likes her personality. On to Letitia, and Whitney thinks that "boobs are all you can see in this picture". Julien thinks she wouldn't fit into any of his samples, to which my response is, as ever, "then make samples based on the shape of an actual woman and not a 14-year-old boy" [WORD - Helen]. Elle thinks Letitia could be a very successful Victoria's Secret model. Julien likes Madeleine's personality, but doesn't think she's gorgeous. Whitney, on the other hand, loathes Madeleine but likes her in pictures.

On to group 2: Emma G's face is "exquisite" according to Whitney, and she really stands out. Elle thinks she worked well and understood what she needed to do. Tyson thinks she's giving the best face of all of them. As far as Emma S is concerned, Tyson is not a fan of her stance, but he loves her look. Julien thinks she was awkward when she moved, and vacant when she stood still. Roxanne has chiselled cheekbones and determination, according to Tyson, and Elle chips in that she has "dignity". Tyson just wishes Roxanne wasn't being blocked by Emma S. Julien thinks Amelia is boring, and Elle wonders if Amelia's strength was entirely in her hair.

Moving on, Tyson thinks Anita's eyes look closed again. I don't think they look closed at all, so now I'm wondering if this is just going to be the sum total of Anita's journey until her eventual (presumably early) elimination. Julien was surprised by Anita's transformation, though. Elle thinks Jennifer is stealing the shot, and Whitney thinks her eyes look piercing. Tasmin bores the panel, with Tyson thinking she looks like a postcard, and Julien arguing weakly that "she's not the worst girl we've got". Whitney thinks Anne looks like a witch, but Julien likes that she's interesting - he thinks you want to ask questions about her.

In group 4, Whitney thinks Louisa looks like "a 50-year-old Beverly Hills housewife". Julien thinks she's gorgeous, but the others don't agree. Whitney, on a roll at this point, sneers that Louisa is "5'6 at best. She said she was 5'8, but even 5'8 is too short!" Diona has improved on last week's terrible picture, and the judges like her features here. Elle mentions having seen Diona and Madeleine in the gym - the only two girls she saw in the gym - and she likes the fact that she was there. She also likes her striking eyes. Whitney thinks Lisa is straining her neck too much, but she's one of the stronger girls overall. Tyson remembers Lisa having a good walk.

Finally we have group 5. Everyone laughs at Risikat's picture and Tyson thinks she's playing up the sexiness too much. Quite how she was supposed to avoid that when Elle and Julien basically told her to get her upper thighs out from under her kaftan is anyone's guess. Kellie looks like a milkmaid in the picture, but Elle likes her fine features and her delicacy. Whitney gives Penelope the excellent back-handed compliment of "she looks amazing, I almost didn't recognise her." Julien doesn't think she looks special, though - much to the consternation of the others. She really does have fantastic legs, mind.

After the ads, it's time for the deliberation and narrowing the girls down to 14. There's lots of vague "I think we should lose her and this one" which is all very enigmatic and precisely no fun for the viewer. Essentially, the judges can't agree on anyone. Eventually, they settle on three girls who will no longer be continuing. Voice of Fearne reminds us of the prizes (and that luxury apartment is still a kickass prize, I don't care what anyone says) and then it is night. Burning torches flicker on the beach giving a bit of a Survivor-like atmosphere as the top 17 troop down to meet Elle, waiting to see who amongst them will be spared.

Elle refers to the Top 14 going into "the model home", which is quite funny, and then gets down to business. The first girl advancing is Emma G. Joining her in the house will be Jennifer, Letitia, Kellie (hooray!), Amelia, Tasmin, Lisa, Roxanne, Anne, Madeleine, Anita, Emma S and Penelope. Only one spot left, and the last girl guaranteed a spot in the house is...Risikat. So Diona, Louisa and Anna are gone. I'm kind of surprised they didn't give Diona a shot over Emma S based on that last picture, but I guess Diona's fate was sealed the minute they found out she had a drama degree. Elle thanks them for everything they've done, and wishes them well for the future. "This is just the end of the journey for this time," she assures them vaguely. Diona interviews that this was a really big rejection to handle, while Anna is equal parts gutted for herself and pleased for her friends who did make the cut. Louisa interviews that they're all a lovely bunch and she wishes them all well. With a reasonable attitude like that, you can see why she wasn't really cut out for reality TV. Anna vows to return next year. Yeah, well, Catherine did that and ended up quitting, so good luck.

Elle congratulates the Top 14 and departs. Anita says that getting into the house was her aim, and now she can't wait for the competition to start. Jennifer is happy. Penelope is shaking. Risikat is pleased to have finally made the cut. Emma S was convinced she was going home. Kellie thinks this is the best feeling she's ever had. Letitia is on a high. Tasmin can't stop laughing. Amelia says it still hasn't clicked in her head, and she's going to go crazy when it does. This is perhaps an unfortunate end note, as it is immediately followed by the Voice of Fearne informing us that Amelia subsequently withdrew from the competition for "personal reasons". Presumably it eventually clicked, and she actually did go crazy. We get a montage of shots from the competition set to Coldplay's 'Viva La Vida', and then a preview of the model house (which looks suspiciously like the Dating In The Dark house) and the trials yet to come. Makeovers! Snakes! Waterfalls! International travel! Alesha Dixon! Jade! Rizzle Kicks! Men in bathrobes! Tarantulas! This series might actually be quite good, you know. I'm quietly confident. Join Helen next week to see what the first challenge is!

Dubai bye baby

Top twenty - 9^th July 2012

                       

Hello! Welcome back to Bitching’s Next Top Model! Against some truly better better judgement we’ve decided to give old Bintmodel another chance. Mainly because they actually listened to us when they said that we needed to lose the three weeks of auditions. Yes, it was us what won it, like The Sun. We are like The Sun in that we are taking full credit for something that has very little to do with us and sport is very much in our back pages. [And Rupert Murdoch controls us. We don't quite know how, but he does. - Steve]

So, we’re back. Hurrah!

We begin with a pre-credits One Year On where we see Saleisha Jade doing a photoshoot in the World Famous (TM) Rivoli ballroom. This section tells us that she’s been on the cover of Company Magazine three times. In the week that we’ve seen Company Magazine sell its soul to Hollyoaks I’m not really that impressed.

The Fearne Cotton Voiceover of Pointless tells us that Elle is back to oversee the competition. We see the ALL NEW panel sitting on stools in a studio and laughing because they’re so breezy.

Elle interviews (Elleterviews?) that she’s looking for someone unique and special like they haven’t seen before (Stealth bitch points- 11) and wants to take the international market by storm.

For some unknown reason, Auntie Julien is returning with his own very special brand of special. He’s cut his hair, thank goodness. Fearne calls him an international fashion designer. She leaves the For Debenhams part out. He wants a young, fresh, bootiful and elegant girl. I don’t know about you, but for me, elegance seems to be something that comes with age, no?

Next up is Beautiful Tyson.  Out of all of Beautiful Tyson’s works they show him driving a motorbike with pre-breakdown Britney clinging on to the back of him. That is not the best of Beautiful Tyson, Sky Living formerly Living. Beautiful Tyson is from AMERICA says Fearne. Thanks for that. Also there’s someone called Whitney. She’s... Oh I can’t be bothered. [Allow me: Whitney is the one from The Hills whose sole purpose on the show was to gawp while Lauren Conrad talked about her sex life. - Steve] Whitney is told to say she’s looking for someone who commands presence. Beautiful Tyson wants to take me home. Do you Tyson? Do you really? Ok, sure. That’ll be lovely. I’ll pop the kettle on.

We have a coming up montage for the series that is basically there to show us that Auntie Julien is the type of Auntie that our mother hits us when we ask questions about.  Someone dun a fall over! Whitney is! Tyson is MEAN and MOODY! We’re promised CELEBRITY GUESTS that include ALESHA DIXON! JADE! RIZZLE KICKS! MEL B!

I’m glad we decided to recap this. Really. Looks like there will be some incredible mileage.

Fearne tells us that in this week’s episode there will be bits that take place in St Pancras station and Dubai and that Whitney and Beautiful Tyson are an actual thing that is going to happen.

Fearne then tells us that we have a top twenty and their journey is beginning RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND at a hotel next to St Pancras station. Someone called Emma G who looks like she could put her entire fist in her mouth is very nervous.  Roxanne’s mind is blown. Letitia is looking around the room at the competition. Danielle and Catherine are in awe of all the gorgeous girls around them.

Elle glides out of her taxi in a gold jacket and announces that she is here as an Irish girl called Diona announces that the GLOVES ARE OFF. She’s swiftly followed by another Irish girl called Kellie because this is Britain and Ireland’s Top Model. SEE?

Predictably, the girls scream when Elle walks in the room. They’ve gone from scattered around with their suitcases to sitting in a line so they must have had some idea that she was about to arrive.  Elle is so amazed with the sight of them she takes off her sunglasses and welcomes them to the new series. Elle is excited because they are her final 20 and she’s brought them here to do a runway show in ‘another location’ in front of Bintmodel fans and the press.  She’s giving them half an hour to pick some of their own clothes that show their personality.  Fearne tells us this again.

Some girls stand in a line and say they’re worried about walking in front of Elle cos she’s a professional. Everyone interviews about how scared they are. Someone briefly considers wearing a teddy bear hat then quickly thinks better of it. Vanessa interviews that she’s a bit nervous. She talks exactly like Stacey Solomon. An Irish girl called Lisa will do anything to get through. Oh Lisa, so many wrong trees to bark up.

First on the catwalk is 22 year old marvellously named Risikat.  She’s going to give it her all and enjoy it because she might not get through. Risikat has exactly the right amount of swagger. I like her enormously. She tells Elle at the end of the runway that all she needs is the chance and she’s definitely worthy. I’ll say!  Teddy hat girl decides that it’s actually a good idea and everyone should embrace their inner freak. You’re not a freak. You’re a six foot skinny blonde. You are beautiful. You do not get to call yourself a freak. Even if you are, you chose to buy a hat that made you look like a teddy bear from off of the market so you will just have to deal with your own inner freak because nobody wants to see it. NEXT!

Next up is Madeleine who is wearing checked shirt tied around her waist. Elle remarks that she’s a different person when she smiles because her default face is fierce. Madeleine goes on about how great she is backstage. Love her too.

Elle then tells off Penelope and Emma for walking too quickly and Danielle seems to have done herself up as Jacqui McQueen from Hollyoaks. Elle patronises someone called Roxanne and Vanessa. Vanessa is doing it for her KID.  Catherine is back from last year and I really don’t remember her.  Someone called Amelia backcombs her hair and this is enough to impress Elle. Letitia apparently looks like a supermodel.

Elle interviews that she’s very impressed with all the personalities that have been on show and picks on Penelope’s walk and Teyona in general.  Elle didn’t expect Risikat to have such an allure and goes on about how Letitia could flirt with a light pole, whatever that is.

Everyone lines up and Elle gives them the “20 girls...” speech but she’s not making any decisions without her fellow judges who are happily in Dubai and they’re all going! WOO! etc. Elle reiterates that they’re going to Dubai and nobody is going home. Elle then does a thumbs up dance that is more cringey than that bit on Friends when she was in it.

Coming up! Dubai! Crying! I KNEW I was right about Madeleine!

Adverts. The Zeebox TV one with all the “Your Mom” jokes is probably my favourite advert ever and I’m actually ok with that.

And we’re back. We’re treated to a recap of what we saw three minutes ago. They have now arrived in Dubai and are shown to their rooms. There is much screaming. Risikat is happy because stuff like this doesn’t happen to her. It just did, lady! Vanessa is sad to be away from her daughter but the flight and arriving at the hotel has been the best experience of her life so far.

Madeleine is reading the Elle Mail so I guess she’s the one we’re supposed to be looking at. It reads – “Hello ladies, welcome to Dubai. For the next few days you are going to be living the high life  but it’s not all fun in the sun. Today is the day to relax and enjoy yourself because tomorrow the competition heats up with your first photo shoot. Get your beach bodies ready! Love, Elle”. Yes girls, sort out your bikini lines. Amelia notices that Madeleine is not here to make friends. That’s right, it’s not Britain And Ireland’s Top Best Friend.

Madeleine then screams on the balcony and there’s lots of shots of Dubai to keep the tourist board happy.  Some upstart called Anita then interviews about how she can’t stand Madeleine.  Someone called Diona jumps in and says how aggressive and dominating Madeleine is. Oh girls, have you never seen the show before? There’s always one. No doubt that this is some foreshadowing for later and I’m greatly looking forward to it.

Fearne tells us that it’s now time to put opinions aside because it’s time to have fun. DUBAI STYLE. Amelia can’t believe she’s here. Danielle is nervous again. Two people inexplicably play ping pong on the beach.

Over in the foreshadowing corner, Madeleine complains that her room mates aren’t very nice. MMM, MANUFACTURED TENSION. The other half of the roomies are still bitching about her whilst Vanessa makes sadfaces about missing her kid. She’s even filmed on a solitary sun lounger such is her emotional distress.  Someone tells her that being away from her to secure her future is no bad thing and Vanessa just starts crying.

Everyone goes back to their rooms and have stilted conversations about how much they’ve gotten to know each other and how tomorrow is the day that the competition really starts. In Madeleine’s room, someone who doesn’t even get a name asks Madeleine if she’s excited. Madeleine supposes that she is which causes no name to do a snort laugh at her.  Madeline demands to know why she’s laughing at her.  No name says that she laughed because she sounded like she didn’t give a shit. It sounds to me like Madeleine is being cautious around two girls who are clearly bitches. Madeleine tells them that she’s interested in everything that goes on around her. In other words, I’M WATCHING YOU. No name accuses her of having a chip on her shoulder and giving out a bad vibe. Madeleine is quickly becoming my favourite person ever and gives no name the best “BITCH PLEASE” look EVER and refuses to go along with it other than to tell her about people “like her” and suggests that she not laugh when people are talking and that maybe girls who are a bit bitchy make her nervous. No name then tells her to shut up and Madeleine does not take this well, completely disengages from the conversation, gives no name the stink eye and leaves.

THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE, LADIES.

Madeleine then interviews that no name is called Anita and she will now pretend that she is not there. Madeleine for the win for everything PLSTHKS.

Cut to the judges getting out of massive cars. Elle welcomes everyone to Dubai and welcomes the new judges. Elle touches Julien’s face and remarks on how skinny he’s looking. Julien says that Elle made him cut his hair off and Elle says she did it because he had to give Tyson a run for his money. Beautiful Tyson just says “yeah”. Cos he’s beautiful. There’s lots of forced laughter before Elle tells them about the new girls’ wonderful personalities. *cough*. Apparently, Catherine has already left so that’s one less to worry about. Beautiful Tyson makes the right noises and Whitney does that thing where you repeat the last couple of words someone’s just said to you with a nod until they want to kill you.

Elle instructs Beautiful Tyson and Whitney that they will be directing the first photo shoot and this will enable them to give some great feedback.  Adverts!

It’s finally photoshoot time, after some DubaiPorn and another recap.  We are introduced to Melissa Burton of Goody Good Stuff Sweets who tells the girls that things are about to get fruity. Melissa explains that they make natural stuff and today is all about being natural. She brings out Beautiful Tyson and Whitney to some screaming.  Tyson makes a ridiculous pun about baggage and Whitney says something so dull it’s not even worth writing down.

Roxanne is impressed that the new judges are “Way more known” than any of the others. Anita the BITCH says that she’s excited to make an impression on them. But what’s this? Vanessa wants to speak to Beautiful Tyson and Whitney. She wants to go home because she’s missing her daughter. Tyson just grunts and Whitney makes noises. Vanessa has “Gaved it a go” and it’s been amazing but she’s had enough and it’s not for her. A gang of girls sit round and speculate about how unhappy she is and how brave she’s been. The scripted bits in this are so obvious that they might as well have a gigantic flashing sign above them. [Also, two people walking before the first episode is even halfway through? Something has gone very wrong in casting this year. - Steve]

Whitney and Beautiful Tyson then have a platitude off and see who can sound the least sincere. Whitney wins, but only by a small margin. Vanessa is all “thanks for the experience” and Whitney pulls a face at her whilst Beautiful Tyson goes on about how hard it is to be a mother in the industry. Really.

Vanessa goes back to the girls who were assembled to say how sorry they felt for her to tell her that she is leaving.  They all jump up to hug her whilst the flashing “THIS BIT IS SCRIPTED” sign explodes. Makeup Montage!

Anita the BITCH, Risikat and Emma are up first. Maz is today’s fit photographer.  Whitney and Beautiful Tyson don’t seem to be able to have independent thought as one of them says something and the other agrees for almost everything so far today and throughout the shoot. Whitney can’t say Risikat. They agree that Anita the BITCH is struggling, Risikat is too sexy and Emma is brilliant. Anita the BITCH is gutted and thinks she’s going home. AHAHAHA! YOU SO ARE.

Next up are four girls with no names yet.  There’s a gratuitous crotch shot of one of them though. Someone gets a name and she’s the one that looks like Lana Del Ray and she’s called Jennifer. The super special best friends agree that she’s got a pretty face and the crotch shot one is edgy. [Considering Elle introduced this whole segment as Whityson "mentoring" the girls, I have to say I'm seeing a lot of bitching and not a whole lot of mentoring so far. - Steve]

Next up is Madeleine and Roxanne plus two girls without names.  Madeleine asks lots of questions and they immediately call it an attitude.  Whityson  think that Madeleine needs to drop the attitude. Whatevs.

Diona WHO IS IRISH is in the next group that includes two nameless girls. Whityson thinks that Diona only looks good from the waist up and the rest weren’t too impressive.  The next group are the best bunch yet but seem to consist of girls with no name.  They all loved it. Whityson think that some girls were good and some weren’t.  I guess that that is the kind of observation they were brought in for.

Back at the hotel the girls are waiting for Julien to arrive. My goodness, he is looking skinny. They applaud him before he’s even said anything.  He wants to know if they’re enjoying Dubai. They are. He’s brought an Elle mail for them. It reads – “hi girls, I hope you enjoyed your first Bintmodel photo shoot but for some of you it will be your last. Meet me tomorrow for breakfast, lots of love, Elle”.

Julien tells them to sleep well and enjoy their evening and adds ominously that for some of them it will be their LAST NIGHT.  Anita THE BITCH looks terrified and asks if the loser is really going home at breakfast time. YES YOU ARE. Ahahaha! Danielle reminds everyone that they had their hands held throughout the photoshoot and basically suggests that failure is especially rubbish because of this. Penelope points out that whoever goes home will feel like shit.  Anne with the short hair feels rubbish that someone is going home. We get it. Nobody wants to go home. Fearne is the third person to tell us that someone is going home.  I know I’m an idiot for watching but I don’t really want to be actively treated like one.

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We come back to Fearne telling us about the prizes.  A suite in London to live in, a holiday to Dubai in the same resort that we’re currently in, a contract with Models 1, 6 page spread and cover of company and an international campaign with Miss Selfridge. No car this year then.

The judges are deliberating on a tent in a beach.  Elle wants to know how they got on. Whitney thinks it’s amazing that they all got in their swimsuits. Elle asks about the bodies and Tyson replies that there were some good and some bad. This kind of question makes me ache for Charley Speed. He’d look shifty at that question. Grace wouldn’t give two bloody hoots about the girls feelings about swimwear either, Whitney, so just shut up, yeah? WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY? I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND IT DISTRESSES ME.

Elle then asks how they got on. Tyson says the list is long, and Whitney pipes in to say that they have their favourites. They like Letitia, Lisa, Emma G and Anne.  Tyson then goes on about Anne for ages, happy to have finally found a subject that he can talk about with some confidence.  Elle then wants to know who was rubbish. Tyson says Madeleine. BOO. He doesn’t like her because she ‘Over-modelled’ and got a bit gobby. He then said the word babygirl then I started giggling and forgot why I was annoyed with him and went into the kitchen to make him a sandwich. Oh, Tyson. He says that Madeleine had an attitude problem and Elle’s eyes widen in excitement.

Whitney then finally says something interesting in that she thinks Penelope “screams average”. Did you like it, because that was it. She blabs something else about being there not being enough then the attentions are turned to Anita THE BITCH who is clearly awful because she can’t open her eyes in direct sunlight.  Those pesky retinas. Elle then goes on to say that nobody is rubbish, they’re just not as good as the others and that bit right there is why the British version of this show pales in comparison to the others.

The judges then apparently deliberate into the night, which I’m sure isn’t code for getting pissed on complimentary champagne. The next morning Anita THE BITCH is wearing makeup in bed and talking about how she had a dream she was going. Danielle hasn’t thought that it might be her going home. Penelope would be gutted to go home. ET CETERA.

At the breakfast table, Roxanne’s table is doing somersaults and Anita THE BITCH is shaking and the THIS BIT IS SCRIPTED sign is no longer necessary as far as I can see. Elle walks in and says that she’s been looking at the photos and someone is going home before they’ve even finished their breakfast. Elle emos on a bit about how difficult this is and sends Danielle home. She wasn’t even one that Whityson didn’t like! She looks like Jacqui McQueen FFS! Send home Anita THE BITCH! Danielle cries about how pleased she is that she got this far and Anita THE BITCH gloats in a quite unsportsmanlike way.  Actually, everyone gloats a bit too much.

So, to recap. From 20, two left and one was eliminated. There are 14 beds in the house so hopefully there’s three to go next week, yes?  Good.

NEXT WEEK! Beautiful Tyson is beautiful, inappropriate Julien is inappropriate, Wet Elle is Wet and Whitney is meh. Join us next week!