Saturday, 14 July 2012

Dubai bye baby

Top twenty - 9th July 2012
Hello! Welcome back to Bitching’s Next Top Model! Against some truly better better judgement we’ve decided to give old Bintmodel another chance. Mainly because they actually listened to us when they said that we needed to lose the three weeks of auditions. Yes, it was us what won it, like The Sun. We are like The Sun in that we are taking full credit for something that has very little to do with us and sport is very much in our back pages. [And Rupert Murdoch controls us. We don't quite know how, but he does. - Steve]

So, we’re back. Hurrah!

We begin with a pre-credits One Year On where we see Saleisha Jade doing a photoshoot in the World Famous (TM) Rivoli ballroom. This section tells us that she’s been on the cover of Company Magazine three times. In the week that we’ve seen Company Magazine sell its soul to Hollyoaks I’m not really that impressed.

The Fearne Cotton Voiceover of Pointless tells us that Elle is back to oversee the competition. We see the ALL NEW panel sitting on stools in a studio and laughing because they’re so breezy.

Elle interviews (Elleterviews?) that she’s looking for someone unique and special like they haven’t seen before (Stealth bitch points- 11) and wants to take the international market by storm.

For some unknown reason, Auntie Julien is returning with his own very special brand of special. He’s cut his hair, thank goodness. Fearne calls him an international fashion designer. She leaves the For Debenhams part out. He wants a young, fresh, bootiful and elegant girl. I don’t know about you, but for me, elegance seems to be something that comes with age, no?

Next up is Beautiful Tyson.  Out of all of Beautiful Tyson’s works they show him driving a motorbike with pre-breakdown Britney clinging on to the back of him. That is not the best of Beautiful Tyson, Sky Living formerly Living. Beautiful Tyson is from AMERICA says Fearne. Thanks for that. Also there’s someone called Whitney. She’s... Oh I can’t be bothered. [Allow me: Whitney is the one from The Hills whose sole purpose on the show was to gawp while Lauren Conrad talked about her sex life. - Steve] Whitney is told to say she’s looking for someone who commands presence. Beautiful Tyson wants to take me home. Do you Tyson? Do you really? Ok, sure. That’ll be lovely. I’ll pop the kettle on.

We have a coming up montage for the series that is basically there to show us that Auntie Julien is the type of Auntie that our mother hits us when we ask questions about.  Someone dun a fall over! Whitney is! Tyson is MEAN and MOODY! We’re promised CELEBRITY GUESTS that include ALESHA DIXON! JADE! RIZZLE KICKS! MEL B!

I’m glad we decided to recap this. Really. Looks like there will be some incredible mileage.

Fearne tells us that in this week’s episode there will be bits that take place in St Pancras station and Dubai and that Whitney and Beautiful Tyson are an actual thing that is going to happen.

Fearne then tells us that we have a top twenty and their journey is beginning RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND at a hotel next to St Pancras station. Someone called Emma G who looks like she could put her entire fist in her mouth is very nervous.  Roxanne’s mind is blown. Letitia is looking around the room at the competition. Danielle and Catherine are in awe of all the gorgeous girls around them.

Elle glides out of her taxi in a gold jacket and announces that she is here as an Irish girl called Diona announces that the GLOVES ARE OFF. She’s swiftly followed by another Irish girl called Kellie because this is Britain and Ireland’s Top Model. SEE?

Predictably, the girls scream when Elle walks in the room. They’ve gone from scattered around with their suitcases to sitting in a line so they must have had some idea that she was about to arrive.  Elle is so amazed with the sight of them she takes off her sunglasses and welcomes them to the new series. Elle is excited because they are her final 20 and she’s brought them here to do a runway show in ‘another location’ in front of Bintmodel fans and the press.  She’s giving them half an hour to pick some of their own clothes that show their personality.  Fearne tells us this again.

Some girls stand in a line and say they’re worried about walking in front of Elle cos she’s a professional. Everyone interviews about how scared they are. Someone briefly considers wearing a teddy bear hat then quickly thinks better of it. Vanessa interviews that she’s a bit nervous. She talks exactly like Stacey Solomon. An Irish girl called Lisa will do anything to get through. Oh Lisa, so many wrong trees to bark up.

First on the catwalk is 22 year old marvellously named Risikat.  She’s going to give it her all and enjoy it because she might not get through. Risikat has exactly the right amount of swagger. I like her enormously. She tells Elle at the end of the runway that all she needs is the chance and she’s definitely worthy. I’ll say!  Teddy hat girl decides that it’s actually a good idea and everyone should embrace their inner freak. You’re not a freak. You’re a six foot skinny blonde. You are beautiful. You do not get to call yourself a freak. Even if you are, you chose to buy a hat that made you look like a teddy bear from off of the market so you will just have to deal with your own inner freak because nobody wants to see it. NEXT!

Next up is Madeleine who is wearing checked shirt tied around her waist. Elle remarks that she’s a different person when she smiles because her default face is fierce. Madeleine goes on about how great she is backstage. Love her too.

Elle then tells off Penelope and Emma for walking too quickly and Danielle seems to have done herself up as Jacqui McQueen from Hollyoaks. Elle patronises someone called Roxanne and Vanessa. Vanessa is doing it for her KID.  Catherine is back from last year and I really don’t remember her.  Someone called Amelia backcombs her hair and this is enough to impress Elle. Letitia apparently looks like a supermodel.

Elle interviews that she’s very impressed with all the personalities that have been on show and picks on Penelope’s walk and Teyona in general.  Elle didn’t expect Risikat to have such an allure and goes on about how Letitia could flirt with a light pole, whatever that is.

Everyone lines up and Elle gives them the “20 girls...” speech but she’s not making any decisions without her fellow judges who are happily in Dubai and they’re all going! WOO! etc. Elle reiterates that they’re going to Dubai and nobody is going home. Elle then does a thumbs up dance that is more cringey than that bit on Friends when she was in it.

Coming up! Dubai! Crying! I KNEW I was right about Madeleine!

Adverts. The Zeebox TV one with all the “Your Mom” jokes is probably my favourite advert ever and I’m actually ok with that.

And we’re back. We’re treated to a recap of what we saw three minutes ago. They have now arrived in Dubai and are shown to their rooms. There is much screaming. Risikat is happy because stuff like this doesn’t happen to her. It just did, lady! Vanessa is sad to be away from her daughter but the flight and arriving at the hotel has been the best experience of her life so far.

Madeleine is reading the Elle Mail so I guess she’s the one we’re supposed to be looking at. It reads – “Hello ladies, welcome to Dubai. For the next few days you are going to be living the high life  but it’s not all fun in the sun. Today is the day to relax and enjoy yourself because tomorrow the competition heats up with your first photo shoot. Get your beach bodies ready! Love, Elle”. Yes girls, sort out your bikini lines. Amelia notices that Madeleine is not here to make friends. That’s right, it’s not Britain And Ireland’s Top Best Friend.

Madeleine then screams on the balcony and there’s lots of shots of Dubai to keep the tourist board happy.  Some upstart called Anita then interviews about how she can’t stand Madeleine.  Someone called Diona jumps in and says how aggressive and dominating Madeleine is. Oh girls, have you never seen the show before? There’s always one. No doubt that this is some foreshadowing for later and I’m greatly looking forward to it.

Fearne tells us that it’s now time to put opinions aside because it’s time to have fun. DUBAI STYLE. Amelia can’t believe she’s here. Danielle is nervous again. Two people inexplicably play ping pong on the beach.

Over in the foreshadowing corner, Madeleine complains that her room mates aren’t very nice. MMM, MANUFACTURED TENSION. The other half of the roomies are still bitching about her whilst Vanessa makes sadfaces about missing her kid. She’s even filmed on a solitary sun lounger such is her emotional distress.  Someone tells her that being away from her to secure her future is no bad thing and Vanessa just starts crying.

Everyone goes back to their rooms and have stilted conversations about how much they’ve gotten to know each other and how tomorrow is the day that the competition really starts. In Madeleine’s room, someone who doesn’t even get a name asks Madeleine if she’s excited. Madeleine supposes that she is which causes no name to do a snort laugh at her.  Madeline demands to know why she’s laughing at her.  No name says that she laughed because she sounded like she didn’t give a shit. It sounds to me like Madeleine is being cautious around two girls who are clearly bitches. Madeleine tells them that she’s interested in everything that goes on around her. In other words, I’M WATCHING YOU. No name accuses her of having a chip on her shoulder and giving out a bad vibe. Madeleine is quickly becoming my favourite person ever and gives no name the best “BITCH PLEASE” look EVER and refuses to go along with it other than to tell her about people “like her” and suggests that she not laugh when people are talking and that maybe girls who are a bit bitchy make her nervous. No name then tells her to shut up and Madeleine does not take this well, completely disengages from the conversation, gives no name the stink eye and leaves.


Madeleine then interviews that no name is called Anita and she will now pretend that she is not there. Madeleine for the win for everything PLSTHKS.

Cut to the judges getting out of massive cars. Elle welcomes everyone to Dubai and welcomes the new judges. Elle touches Julien’s face and remarks on how skinny he’s looking. Julien says that Elle made him cut his hair off and Elle says she did it because he had to give Tyson a run for his money. Beautiful Tyson just says “yeah”. Cos he’s beautiful. There’s lots of forced laughter before Elle tells them about the new girls’ wonderful personalities. *cough*. Apparently, Catherine has already left so that’s one less to worry about. Beautiful Tyson makes the right noises and Whitney does that thing where you repeat the last couple of words someone’s just said to you with a nod until they want to kill you.

Elle instructs Beautiful Tyson and Whitney that they will be directing the first photo shoot and this will enable them to give some great feedback.  Adverts!

It’s finally photoshoot time, after some DubaiPorn and another recap.  We are introduced to Melissa Burton of Goody Good Stuff Sweets who tells the girls that things are about to get fruity. Melissa explains that they make natural stuff and today is all about being natural. She brings out Beautiful Tyson and Whitney to some screaming.  Tyson makes a ridiculous pun about baggage and Whitney says something so dull it’s not even worth writing down.

Roxanne is impressed that the new judges are “Way more known” than any of the others. Anita the BITCH says that she’s excited to make an impression on them. But what’s this? Vanessa wants to speak to Beautiful Tyson and Whitney. She wants to go home because she’s missing her daughter. Tyson just grunts and Whitney makes noises. Vanessa has “Gaved it a go” and it’s been amazing but she’s had enough and it’s not for her. A gang of girls sit round and speculate about how unhappy she is and how brave she’s been. The scripted bits in this are so obvious that they might as well have a gigantic flashing sign above them. [Also, two people walking before the first episode is even halfway through? Something has gone very wrong in casting this year. - Steve]

Whitney and Beautiful Tyson then have a platitude off and see who can sound the least sincere. Whitney wins, but only by a small margin. Vanessa is all “thanks for the experience” and Whitney pulls a face at her whilst Beautiful Tyson goes on about how hard it is to be a mother in the industry. Really.

Vanessa goes back to the girls who were assembled to say how sorry they felt for her to tell her that she is leaving.  They all jump up to hug her whilst the flashing “THIS BIT IS SCRIPTED” sign explodes. Makeup Montage!

Anita the BITCH, Risikat and Emma are up first. Maz is today’s fit photographer.  Whitney and Beautiful Tyson don’t seem to be able to have independent thought as one of them says something and the other agrees for almost everything so far today and throughout the shoot. Whitney can’t say Risikat. They agree that Anita the BITCH is struggling, Risikat is too sexy and Emma is brilliant. Anita the BITCH is gutted and thinks she’s going home. AHAHAHA! YOU SO ARE.

Next up are four girls with no names yet.  There’s a gratuitous crotch shot of one of them though. Someone gets a name and she’s the one that looks like Lana Del Ray and she’s called Jennifer. The super special best friends agree that she’s got a pretty face and the crotch shot one is edgy. [Considering Elle introduced this whole segment as Whityson "mentoring" the girls, I have to say I'm seeing a lot of bitching and not a whole lot of mentoring so far. - Steve]

Next up is Madeleine and Roxanne plus two girls without names.  Madeleine asks lots of questions and they immediately call it an attitude.  Whityson  think that Madeleine needs to drop the attitude. Whatevs.

Diona WHO IS IRISH is in the next group that includes two nameless girls. Whityson thinks that Diona only looks good from the waist up and the rest weren’t too impressive.  The next group are the best bunch yet but seem to consist of girls with no name.  They all loved it. Whityson think that some girls were good and some weren’t.  I guess that that is the kind of observation they were brought in for.

Back at the hotel the girls are waiting for Julien to arrive. My goodness, he is looking skinny. They applaud him before he’s even said anything.  He wants to know if they’re enjoying Dubai. They are. He’s brought an Elle mail for them. It reads – “hi girls, I hope you enjoyed your first Bintmodel photo shoot but for some of you it will be your last. Meet me tomorrow for breakfast, lots of love, Elle”.

Julien tells them to sleep well and enjoy their evening and adds ominously that for some of them it will be their LAST NIGHT.  Anita THE BITCH looks terrified and asks if the loser is really going home at breakfast time. YES YOU ARE. Ahahaha! Danielle reminds everyone that they had their hands held throughout the photoshoot and basically suggests that failure is especially rubbish because of this. Penelope points out that whoever goes home will feel like shit.  Anne with the short hair feels rubbish that someone is going home. We get it. Nobody wants to go home. Fearne is the third person to tell us that someone is going home.  I know I’m an idiot for watching but I don’t really want to be actively treated like one.


We come back to Fearne telling us about the prizes.  A suite in London to live in, a holiday to Dubai in the same resort that we’re currently in, a contract with Models 1, 6 page spread and cover of company and an international campaign with Miss Selfridge. No car this year then.

The judges are deliberating on a tent in a beach.  Elle wants to know how they got on. Whitney thinks it’s amazing that they all got in their swimsuits. Elle asks about the bodies and Tyson replies that there were some good and some bad. This kind of question makes me ache for Charley Speed. He’d look shifty at that question. Grace wouldn’t give two bloody hoots about the girls feelings about swimwear either, Whitney, so just shut up, yeah? WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY? I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND IT DISTRESSES ME.

Elle then asks how they got on. Tyson says the list is long, and Whitney pipes in to say that they have their favourites. They like Letitia, Lisa, Emma G and Anne.  Tyson then goes on about Anne for ages, happy to have finally found a subject that he can talk about with some confidence.  Elle then wants to know who was rubbish. Tyson says Madeleine. BOO. He doesn’t like her because she ‘Over-modelled’ and got a bit gobby. He then said the word babygirl then I started giggling and forgot why I was annoyed with him and went into the kitchen to make him a sandwich. Oh, Tyson. He says that Madeleine had an attitude problem and Elle’s eyes widen in excitement.

Whitney then finally says something interesting in that she thinks Penelope “screams average”. Did you like it, because that was it. She blabs something else about being there not being enough then the attentions are turned to Anita THE BITCH who is clearly awful because she can’t open her eyes in direct sunlight.  Those pesky retinas. Elle then goes on to say that nobody is rubbish, they’re just not as good as the others and that bit right there is why the British version of this show pales in comparison to the others.

The judges then apparently deliberate into the night, which I’m sure isn’t code for getting pissed on complimentary champagne. The next morning Anita THE BITCH is wearing makeup in bed and talking about how she had a dream she was going. Danielle hasn’t thought that it might be her going home. Penelope would be gutted to go home. ET CETERA.

At the breakfast table, Roxanne’s table is doing somersaults and Anita THE BITCH is shaking and the THIS BIT IS SCRIPTED sign is no longer necessary as far as I can see. Elle walks in and says that she’s been looking at the photos and someone is going home before they’ve even finished their breakfast. Elle emos on a bit about how difficult this is and sends Danielle home. She wasn’t even one that Whityson didn’t like! She looks like Jacqui McQueen FFS! Send home Anita THE BITCH! Danielle cries about how pleased she is that she got this far and Anita THE BITCH gloats in a quite unsportsmanlike way.  Actually, everyone gloats a bit too much.

So, to recap. From 20, two left and one was eliminated. There are 14 beds in the house so hopefully there’s three to go next week, yes?  Good.

NEXT WEEK! Beautiful Tyson is beautiful, inappropriate Julien is inappropriate, Wet Elle is Wet and Whitney is meh. Join us next week!

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