Sunday, 29 July 2012

Girl on a wire

Week 3, 23rd July 2012 – Top 14, I mean 13. Oh whatever.

Hello and welcome to week three of Bitching’s Next Top Model.  Last week you had Steve guide you through the choosing of the final 14. This basically involved the judges being horrible to everyone and pointing out their flaws. The voice of Fearne glosses over this, but chooses to show the “Please don’t gloat” *Gloats* bit instead.  Fearne also tries to convince us that we were invested enough in Millie to give half a hoot that she had to leave the competition for personal reasons. You can’t make me care Fearne. Sorry.

Today we are promised that the girls will be moving into the house and we’re back at the zoo, because that worked so well last year. There’s also Girls on a Wire which will not be as good as the Goldie Hawn film.

Titles! The New!Titles seem to be based on photography contact sheets but the overall effect is “Amsterdam Shop Window”. Oh dear. I’m not going to bore you with my ‘Why do they do the titles before the makeover episode’ rant again, but if you could just all replay it in your heads that would be awesome. [They are at least a step up from those awful titles last year. Little by little, we're getting there. - Steve]

The new Top Model House is very square.  Emma S tells us what a big day it’s going to be. Roxanne says that they were all trying to get the first look as they walked down the drive. Risikat thinks that it’s going to be AMAZING and she’s never stayed in a place so amazing. Lisa thinks it’s a house straight out of the Hollywood hills, but she’s the token bumpkin so she has to say that. Apparently, there’s no posh houses in Ireland. [There has to be at least one. I mean, there's an Apprentice: Ireland, isn't there? Where do the entrepreneurs live? - Steve]

The girls all walk toward the pool and look like they’re going to jump in, because that’s HILARIOUS, but none of them quite have the guts to do it because it looks like this has been filmed in the middle of winter and I can’t really blame them for that. It’s a tense moment until Madeleine <3 spots a giant handbag and screeches “IT’S A GIANT HANDBAG!!1” Everyone goes running over and we see that the giant handbag is a conduit for the Elle Mail.

Anita THE BITCH reads it out in the style of Stacey Solomon.  “Hi Girls! Welcome to your new home. I hope you like it. It’s time to see who are your new roomies. Pick a number from the handbag to find out. Love, Elle”. Following this there is a gripping montage where the girls all pick a number which corresponds to which bedroom they will be sleeping in. That’s three minutes of prime time Sky living right there.

Meanwhile, the goddess Madeleine is still getting the bitch edit without having actually done anything bitchy yet. Jennifer interbitches that she’s the type of roommate that you have to take in small doses.  To illustrate how awful Madeleine is, we see her screaming in the bathroom. To be fair, getting excited about the house is kind of the theme of this segment. Jennifer thinks she’ll have to spend a lot of time with Ann. See, this segment is a usefully non scripted segment that not only illustrates that we should be intolerant of Madeleine, but who’s sharing a room with whom. Thanks Jennifer!

Next up, some more girls scream at some more rooms. We’re not supposed to hate them though so this is ignored. There’s clothes and stuff in the rooms.  Everyone is just a little too excited. Especially Lisa who says it was “like, woah” and Madeleine who is opening drawers and telling everyone to look. Emma S is enjoying having the biggest room.

Risikat is not happy though. She’s frustrated by her bathroom. Madeleine is still happy though, and high fives Jennifer that they have a bath.  Now everyone is sitting round the television. I wonder what could be about to happen? Oh! It’s an Elle Mail which the girls SCREAM AT. Oh, so we’re supposed to hate Madeleine for screaming at a bath but not this? I give up. It reads “Hello Girls. Congratulations you have made it into the Top Model House... I hope you like it! To celebrate I have arranged a cocktail party so you can get to know your roomies a little better... Drinks at 7. Love Elle x”  Anita reads this one out to because the teacher has decided that she has a nice clear voice.

Lisa thinks that it will be nice to kick back. Oh Lisa, you haven’t seen this, have you? Penelope is scraping what she can from this whole experience by hoping that there’s going to be some fit waiters there. That’s more like it. Madeleine puts on her best party dress and tells Ann how she’s going to upstage everyone apart from her.  Yup, you will.

Because I’m psychic and I actually watch the show, I know that the cocktail party is going to be rubbish, and it is because it’s in the house. Emma G weakly interviews how great it is with the eyes of a hostage. The girls all clamour at the Cocktail Man because they’re starved of fun and they ask him to teach them how to do it. He gives them a look which suggests that he thinks that would be a waste of his time. He lets Emma G touch one of his bottles but that’s about it.

Penelope and Emma S have a good old chinwag in the “confessional room” about how being in the house makes them appreciate men. Penelope suggests that Anita should chat up the cocktail man whilst everyone else looks disinterested in nibbles. Roxanne tells the cocktail man he is smooth whilst another cocktail man appears from nowhere.  Fuelled by Penelope and booze, Anita then comes up with this little gem – “WHAT’S YOUR SHIRT MADE OUT OF IS IT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL AHAHAHAHA”. Roxanne and Madeleine openly laugh in her face.  Anne then interviews that the cocktailmen were hilarious and Anita was to. Cut to Anita leering at the cocktail men that she’s the only single one in the house (really?)  and the others want to couple her up. She honestly to goodness asks one of them if he fell from heaven then drunkenly interviews that they’re clearly playing hard to get.  Emma S and Penelope burp in the confessional room.

Net up we get a rather dull interview from Emma G about how everyone has let their hair down. Thanks Emma G! NEXT! Oh, hello Tamsin. You’re telling us about how GENUINE TOP MODEL WINNER JADE NO TAKEBACKS walked in when you were all pissed. Emma G pretends to be impressed.

Jade has presents for them all and just wants to wish them all good luck and tells them all not to be nervous because they can’t be as bad as her. She honestly says this. What a rare moment of self awareness.  Roxanne asks if it gets harder every week and Jade answers  a different question and says that she got upset sometimes. SPOKESMODEL. She wants them all to believe in themselves. She later goes to the confessional room and does some ‘fun’ stuff with Madeleine, Kellie, Penelope and Roxanne.  Roxanne pretends to be impressed. Madeleine puts an arm around Jade which Jade looks to be ‘enjoying’. Roxanne thinks that she could come and live in the house but not be in the competition as she’d only win again. Oh Roxanne, she’s won once, they won’t have to do that again. [No way in hell would Jade win an all-star series. She barely won the series she was in. - Steve]

Emma S tells us that after the party was over and everyone put their pyjamas on, they all sat round the television just in case an Elle mail popped up, and it did! “Hello girls. I hope you’re having fun in your new home. Enjoy tonight as the hard work starts early tomorrow... you’ll be taking a WALK on the WILD side, as you become one step closer to becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Love Elle x”. Ooh, the old ‘get them pissed and get them up in the morning’ tack. One of my favourites.  Emma S wants to know exactly how early early is. It’s five am bitches. Deal with it.

Adverts. Nobody asked me if I wanted Katy B to sing my Olympic Coke advert song.

So, we find out that WILD means Chessington world of Adventures.  Jennifer tells us what we are about to see, which is a buggy arriving like we’re on Jurassic Park or something. There’s a man with a megaphone on the buggy. I don’t know who he is. He introduces himself as Matt Henry, the catwalk coach for models one. IT’S THE SHIT BRITISH MISS JAY EVERYONE! REJOICE! He tells them that to be a top model they need a fierce signature walk. He’s going to give them the tools to give them just that. He would like them to put some heels on and meet him in five.  This is met with applause. APPLAUSE!

Risikat is mildly confused that the Shit Miss Jay is wearing pink stilettos. 1. They’re not stilettos and 2. For someone that’s tried to get on this for four years you don’t seem to know what a runway coach is. It’s a man in a pair of heels that tells women how they should walk. I expected better, Risikat. The catwalk is basically a rug running through the small animals enclosure. What Shit Miss Jay wants first is a high energy walk that leads from the hips. The girls are actually pumping up for this. Madeleine’s walk is FEEEEASS. Emma G’s makes me want to laugh until it stops. She interviews that it’s harder than it looks. No lovely, you make it look harder than it looks.

Jennifer’s walk is ok. Madeleine takes great joy in telling us that it’s terrible.  Roxanne and Tasmin don’t even get to walk by themselves, so nondescript are their walks. Tasmin interviews that “walking is hard”. Maybe for some. Rubbish Miss Jay is not happy with her either. He gets so ‘vex’ that he TAKES HIS COAT OFF.  Jennifer thinks that a lot of things don’t make sense about this little segment. I applaud her detective skills. Rubbish Miss Jay does a LOLARIOUS impression of them sticking their bums out. Madeleine bitchterviews that she thought Anne was going to be good at walking because she’s done modelling before but this cuts to Rubbish Miss Jay telling her that she’s rubbish.  Anne interviews that it’s weird that Rubbish Miss Jay thinks she’s rubbish because she’s done catwalk before and has also had two catwalk training sessions.  I think she may be suggesting that Rubbish Miss Jay is picking holes in everyone for televisual purposes. I could be wrong.  Jennifer finally pleases him.

Emma G interviews that SURPRISE! That wasn’t the actual challenge. Rubbish Miss Jay tells us that the catwalk isn’t a one woman show, and that some (really) designers like you to walk with fluffy and/or scaly friends. I’m not claiming to be some kind of fashion expert, but has anyone ever seen a model walking or posing with an animal outside of the Top Model universe? Answers on a postcard please.  Everyone makes faces. Rubbish Miss Jay has pictures of animals in envelopes that he’s giving out. Tasmin’s got a parrot. Roxanne’s got a chicken. She interviews that she’s UNHAPPY about this. Lisa makes the mistake of telling the production team that she doesn’t like snakes so she gets a snake. Kellie gets a ferret. Penelope is happy to get a Meerkat which is what Anita was hoping to get, but she gets a skunk because she’s a skank. Jennifer is happy to get a rat because she’s LOLKOOKY. Letitia isn’t happy to get a snake, Emma S gets a ferret, Anne gets a skunk and Madeleine gets a Meerkat.  Madeleine interviews that she didn’t know a Meerkat was an actual animal. OH MADELEINE, IT WAS GOING SO WELL. Anita interviews that she doesn’t deserve a Meerkat if she doesn’t know what they are.  TV highlight of the weeeeek.

First up, the snake girls, Lisa and Letitia. Lisa interviews that she nearly died when the snake came out of the bag. Emma G interviews that Lisa froze when the snake landed on her because she’s got a phobia or something. Lisa interviews that she had to pretend that it was a scarf in order to cope. She’s helped in coping with the situation by having Rubbish Miss Jay shout USE THE SNAKE at her. Fair play to the girl though, she did it. Even Madeleine was mildly impressed. Next up is Letitia. She’s fair. Kellie and Emma walk with some ferrets held out in front of them. It’s bizarre but not as bizarre as Jennifer with a rat or Madeleine and Penelope clutching Meerkats to their chests. Anita looks terrified of the skunk and runs up the catwalk like it’s actually Pepe Le Pew and she’s a kitten who’s had a mishap with some white paint. Anne interviews that she wasn’t worried about the skunk, just fixing her broken down walk, which she seems to vaguely manage.

Next up, Risikat interviews that she was going to use the chicken as a handbag, but had underestimated the size of the chicken. It’s certainly the biggest chicken Emma G’s ever seen. Roxanne claims the chicken was turkey sized. It is a big chicken.  Emma S’s one is tiny though. Rubbish Miss Jay reminds them to make their chickens look sexy. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Roxanne’s chicken is ENORMOUS and she quite rightly claims that carrying it is a two handed job. Emma G thinks that it’s hilarious but admits she did a good job. Rubbish Miss Jay tells her to work the chicken. This chicken didn’t escape the battery farm to be worked by a sixth week out contestant on this programme, Rubbish Miss Jay. Emma S interviews that although her chicken was tiny in comparison to Roxanne’s, it began to flap. She handled the flapping like a professional though. A professional BIG GIRLS BLOUSE. She lets go and loses the chicken.

Risikat then interview that she loved the parrot and it was beautiful. Tasmin doesn’t have as much luck as the parrot clearly doesn’t like her. Rubbish Miss Jay claims that it’s all about the confidence and berates her walk as the parrot flies away. He tells her that it’s ‘not great’. No shit. She sits down and says that she’s not going to cry. Roxanne tells her to “channel it” and I’m suddenly filled with an urge to punch Roxanne in the tit.

RESULTS TIME! Awesomely, we have a bottom of the class award. This goes to Tamsin. Rubbish Miss Jay apologises but tells her in the most patronising tone EVAR to ‘keep trying’. However, there can only be one winner and that’s Risikat. She wipes away a pretend tear then gloaterviews that he didn’t criticise her once all day and he loves her walk and it’s PURE PERFECTION.

Back at the house, the bitching has begun, surprisingly, with Anita. She’s sad with Emma S, Penelope and Kellie saying that when she walked in she didn’t peg Risikat as competition. This is also the girl who though it would be a good idea to mess with Madeleine so I wouldn’t listen to a word she says.  Emma S wants to know why nobody thinks she’s competition. It’s because you’re filler, love. Penelope, bless her, answers this question in a non facetious manner by saying that if she only had a bit of confidence they would all be quaking in their boots but she doesn’t so they’re not. Tasmin, who now only has indeterminate origins now also has an indeterminate accent is upset that she came bottom of the walking but will now try really hard not to go home.

Everyone is now sat round the telly in their pyjamas so it must be time for another Elle Mail. “Hello girls. Being a Top Model has its ups and downs. Your next photoshoot will be no different. Hair and makeup will arrive in the house early in the morning, make sure you are ready. Love, Elle x”. Now comes my favourite bit, the bit where they all guess WHAT IT COULD ALL POSSIBLY MEAN. Guesses include “Bungee jumping” and “trampoline in the garden”. Oh, Britain’s Next Top Dumb Model Stereotype reinforcer. You don’t disappoint.

It’s now the morning by the magic of television! There’s a hair and makeup montage in which everyone is still wondering what the HECK it could all mean. Risikat tells us conspiratorially that Anita thinks it’s a lift. Bless. Tasmin is feeling positive and she’s hoping to keep this up and do well.

At the studio they’re met by an actual person who is actually called Bip Ling. Apparently she’s a fashion blogger. Anyone? No?  Ok. Bip Ling has one of those voices that women use to come across as less intelligent than they are. She tells the girls that they are about to literally go to new heights of fashion. She introduces them to the Client. Her name is Jodie Fox and she’s the co founder of Shoes OF PREY. Oh Shoes OF PREY! OF COURSE.  They make unique, bold and beautiful customer designed shoes and the company is going to turn the girls into beautiful butterflies in as much as they will be floating in the air, just like Bip is about to be. They demonstrate this by hoisting her into the air. They will be posing in pairs and as the challenge winner, Risikat will be posing alone. This does not please Madeleine. Jodie wishes them luck as they head off to get their clothes on.

Today’s Fit Photographer (TM) is called John. He’s fit in a kind of baldy way. It’s Anne and Madeleine first. Anne is worried that her face might be pained. Madeleine interviews that she couldn’t move. Bip uses the word deffo un-ironically whilst everyone backstage goes on about how great Anne is. Bored.

After the adverts someone pretends to faint. YAWN.

We’re back!  There’s some gratuitous advertising for the company that run the studio and we’re already on to Letitia who loves being in the air. She’s with Tasmin who according to Bip has gorgeous legs. Tasmin now has a Trinidad accent as she interviews how she can’t make any mistakes. Anita THE BITCH does nothing to change my mind about her by bitching about how Letitia always (we have two weeks to go on here) gets the best make up and dresses. Risikat who is now my new hero suggests that perhaps it looks better because it’s on her face, leaving the ‘And not on yours’ implied. Beautiful. Because Anita is as good at being clever as she is at being nice, she thinks that this is a genuine suggestion.  Tasmin hopes she gets a good shot but is aware that it might not be meant to be.

Next up is Jennifer and Penelope. Jennifer interviews about how much the hoist hurt her legs. Oh Jennifer, you never bitch. If it hurts, it’s your fault.  Penelope interviews that it was going really well and the client came over to ask them a question and Jennifer’s face went a funny colour. Jennifer said that she felt sick and light headed and didn’t know whether to puke or pass out. We see this situation play out in front of our eyes, including Jodie propping Jennifer up in an act of heroism.

Over with the others, Risikat is enjoying the whole thing far too much and Penelope is worried if Jennifer doesn’t pull herself together she won’t get her shot. YAY SISTERHOOD! Penelope helps the situation by telling Jennifer that she got a moustache of sweat. Jennifer apologises to Jodie and the girls all rubberneck but only Anita claims to feel bad about it.  Jodie, Bip and the Fit Photographer all talk about how worried they were before Jennifer pulled it out of the bag.

I think that I’m going to have to digress a moment here. I know that sometimes you have to go back and film little bits of shows where you didn’t get the angle but this whole thing just feels really fake.  The shots were all good, and that little bit with them all sat around the monitor talking about Jennifer ‘pulling it out the bag’ was just a bit staged for me. [And the fact that everyone was SO SUPPORTIVE seemed awfully convenient. - Steve] But anyway.

Kellie and Emma G look amazing. Bip agrees and thinks they are winners. Roxanne and Emma S are “cute” apparently. They hug and the photographer loves it. Roxanne confesses that they grabbed hold of each other because they were scared. Emma S is asked if she feels confident. She doesn’t know. You haven’t been paying attention to the coven, Emma S! Anita’s turn. She’s really nervous because everyone’s been good so far. She’s on with Lisa and they’re described by Jodie as being a bit ‘rabbit in the headlights’. I have nothing to add to that as its fair and accurate. They improve by the end and Bip thinks they’re like fairies.

Next up its Risikat. Everyone is bitching that they didn’t get a photo on their own.  I wouldn’t worry too much. She appears to be doing all pron poses. Bip thinks she’s gorgeous. I bet Bip is a guest judge. That’s just my luck.

Everyone arrives back in the house to an Elle mail. It’s the one about blah blah elimination. I won’t bore you with it again. The girls look shocked at the news. I told you they weren’t bright. Jennifer and Letitia pretend that they don’t know who they want to leave. Anita pretends too. Roxanne sits in the confessional and says she doesn’t care if someone goes <3. Emma S isn’t sure if she’s doing modelling right. Bless.  Tasmin is worried that she’s in the worst position so she’s going to stay awake all night and stress.

We’re reintroduced to the judges.  There’s a lot of Tyson’s face and they’re STILL trying to convince me that Whitney is a fashion icon. Julien does the best fake headtoss and laugh to camera I have ever seen and Elle is still unbelievably MEH. But hang on, the guest judge isn’t professional Helen annoyer Bip, it’s ALESHA RUDDY DIXON who claims to be a big Bintmodel fan. If you’re reading Alesha, we love you too.

Elle welcomes the girls to the elimination room. Elle reminds us that thirteen minus one is twelve. Prizes! Elle reminds them what they’ve just done and it’s time to see their pictures.

Anita and Lisa first. Lisa has clearly done better than Anita. Tyson complains that she lost the shoes and Whitney says that it’s obvious that Lisa was in front because she ‘got the wind in a better way’. Emma G and Kellie next. Kellie appears to be begging Emma not to leave her. Julien thinks that there’s no doubt Emma G is a sexbomb but she needs to use her beauty more. Alesha likes that Kellie did something different but she didn’t do it right and Tyson just says that she showed the shoes off well. Buuurn.

Adverts! Grr! I thought we made our feelings on mid-judging breaks clear. [Dammit! They were doing so well, too. - Steve]

We return for Roxanne and Emma S’ shot. Elle tells off Emma for hiding the shoes. Alesha loves the top half of the photo, which is the twee half. I have to transcribe Julien's bit because it can’t be summarised.

“Emmaress you know you have to be much more stronger much more confident you’re just floating in the air but with no atmosphere and no fun of the girl next girl to you she is the Roxy chick of the picture”

Anyone? Bueller?

Elle moves swiftly on to Penelope and Jennifer.  Elle wants to know what happened to make Jennifer dizzy. Jennifer thinks she went too far forward then too far back. Elle thinks it’s unusual that the water in Jennifer’s cochlear moved around too much thus confusing her centre of gravity which was  compromised anyway what  with her not having her feet on the ground because she’s got a tough exterior and people with tough exteriors don’t have normal physiological reactions and calls her a wimp. FUCK OFF ELLE.

Their shot is amazing though. The only thing that ruins it are the shit shoes.  Elle admires Jennifer’s face and persona but she doesn’t do it in the picture. Whitney likes Penelope’s arm. Anne and Madeleine fare a bit better. Tyson wishes that Madeleine was in the front more and Alesha thinks that Anne nailed it because if she opened a magazine she’d be drawn to her. Letitia and Tasmin next. Tyson refers to Letitia as “she” as in “she looks short” but thinks that it might be because Tasmin is tall. Letitia tries to laugh this off. Whitney calls Tasmin’s pose ‘nice’ and tells her not to lift her chin up too much.

Finally Risikat. She walks in like she OWNS THE ROOM.  They’ve managed to pick a non suggestive photo for her. Whitney thinks that she could straighten her arm a bit. Alesha thinks its ‘halfway there’ and that the (ugly) shoes look amazing. Julien thinks she needs to be expensive but she looks cheap. Risikat tries to appeal to Julien but he doesn’t care.

Elle and the judges go off to deliberate. Anita is feeling the burn. Emma S is sad that they didn’t encourage her more. Letitia thinks that she looks normal and Tasmin says that everyone is short next to her.

Judging! Anita and Lisa first. Whitney thinks that Anita needs to work on her face and Lisa is strong. Julien agrees but thinks Anita is lost in the wind like a snowman (?!?!).  Jennifer and Penelope next. Elle acknowledges that Penelope isn’t one of ‘Tyse’s favourites and he says that he doesn’t think they should waste any more time on her but Whitney thinks her pose is one of the strongest. Alesha thinks Jennifer has more potential and she has a good vibe and look. Emma G and Kellie are both keepers to Tyson but Julien thinks that Emma looks like she’s carrying Kellie on her back. Everyone pretends that this is a real insight that a judge gets paid for. Whitney starts her next sentence with “yes but”. It’s yes, but there’s a vast improvement.

Next up to the block are Roxanne and Emma S. Whitney doesn’t think that Emma S has what it takes and Julien thinks the only model in the picture is Roxanne.  Anne threw it out the park but Elle thinks the jury is out on Madeleine. The jury is also out for Tasmin because her pose is awful and she’s been consistently ‘not good’. That’s a good a reason as any. Julien wonders if Letitia is just a page three girl. Alesha thinks that Risikat needs to reprogramme her brain about being sexy. Elle makes a wise face as Julien says that Risikat needs to be chic and not cheap. You’ve been working on that Julien, I can tell.

So, who’s through? Anne! She’s getting pic of the week. She’s followed by Lisa, Roxanne, Letitia, Anita, Emma G, Risikat (or pussy cat apparently lol), Madeleine (by the skin of her teeth) ,  Jennifer is safe FOR TONIGHT  and Penelope is the last called.  Cue lots of backstage crowing.

Tasmin and Emma S are in the bottom two. Blah beautiful girls. Blah potential. One of them will go further than the other and the one with more potential is Tasmin. By Emma S! You made a vague impression on me and I have to forget you just as I’ve learned which one you are.

She’s frustrated and disappointed with herself for not doing as well as she thought she would. She thinks it’s harder because she got in the house then had to leave and she’s achieved nothing. YUP.

NEXT WEEK MAKEOVERS!!!11 <3 <3 <3 My favourite. Join Steve to see how they pan out...

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