Sunday, 30 September 2012

Bussin' Lisa Blues

Top Four – 24th September 2012

I’ve got a bit of a confession to make, readers, since this show has been systematically getting rid of anyone even vaguely interesting I’ve been finding it quite hard to muster up any enthusiasm for the show.  Sure, it’s been functional, but it seems that they’ve taken the worst parts of the last two series’ rather than the best and used them to make a programme that is quite possibly turning out to be the dullest thing ever. Don’t even get me started on Bloody Anita. [Look on the bright side - at least this is your last recap of the series. Muggins here got stuck with the final. - Steve]

So, anyway. Last week, Risikat basically got the chop because reasons and Anita and Letitia were big fat cry babies. BE DA ONE I REBECCA LOOS!

We begin with some Torontoporn and Lisa interviewing about how hard it was being in the bottom two then talking some tripe about the competition being really tough now and it only takes one slip up to go. OOH (SPOILER) FORESHADOWING. Bloody Anita then does some sub-Joy speech about Risikat’s exit meaning that there’s one less girl in the competition. Bloody Anita, you are not fit to shine Joy’s Ugg boots so don’t even try to be her.  You’re rubbish at it. Emma is understandably confused as to her previous feedback about her personality not cutting it so she’s going to work on it.  Bloody Anita interviews that she was surprised Letitia got through after her performance.  Letitia wants to prove she deserves to be there. Spoiler honey, you’re never going to do that. Lisa then interviews that she thought Letitia had run out of chances. Lisa is basically the voice of the viewer.  Letitia then gives Bloody Anita dirty looks behind her back. She’s still there!

Slightly creepy shot of the girls apparently sleeping in their hotel rooms and the curtains automatically opening. I’m concerned the cameraman is watching them sleep. I’m sure this wasn’t what they were going for but this is what’s coming across. Emma interviews that it was nice to relax with a bit of ice hockey.  And she wonders why they don’t like her. Bloody Anita puts her make up on in the car “for the lads”. It’s like BixMix died for NOTHING.

They arrive at the ice hockey place and are disgusted to be wearing smelly clothes. Bloody Anita says that she normally likes the smell of men, but not today. BECAUSE SHE’S A SLUT REMEMBER? She interviews that she was made to play ice hockey against the professionals. Letitia calls this exercise and learning how to socialise again.  Lisa interviews with obvious glee that Bloody Anita kept falling over. I can see how she would enjoy that.  All Bloody Anita is interested in is that two men picked her up and claims that she would have gotten herself a sense of balance had she had all day to practice. Hmm. We see the girls pretending to play ice hockey.  Lisa then bizarrely interviews that her and Bloody Anita are BEST MATES EVER since they were paired in the flying photoshoot and that she loves her. I used to have respect for Lisa. Hang your head, lady. [I like that this friendship which has apparently existed ALL SERIES has only manifested now. Especially since the reason Lisa gave for picking Anita to share her challenge win last week was because Anita hadn't won anything yet, rather than actually admitting to liking her. - Steve] We then see Anita flirting with the hockey players in the manner of a ten year old boy pulling a girls hair. Bloody Anita interviews that Emma and Letitia are only friends with each other because they have no other friends and they’re not proper friends like her and Lisa. Fuck off Bloody Anita. Seriously. It’s looking like you’re going to win this and it KILLS ME so the least you can do is shut up. Bloody Anita doesn’t see Emma as competition and she’s unmemorable. Emma says she’s had fun but it’s back to work tomorrow.

The girls return to the penthouse for an Elle Mail. “Hello girls, when you’re a top model you’re always judged by your style, so it’s time to put your fashion knowledge to the test. Love, Elle”. Bloody Anita confesses to having no fashion knowledge at all. Lisa thinks that the challenge might have something to do with style. I have never facepalmed harder. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD ONE, LISA. Letitia thinks it could go anywhere and is hoping to win it. Her confidence has returned and she’s back. She tells the girls the same over dinner. She’s wanted to be the best since she was a little girl, predictably. Lisa interviews that she’s not as close with Letitia as the others and this isn’t Letitia’s fault. BOKAY THEN. They just don’t click. Bloody Anita thinks Letitia is clever and only pretends to be nice and she doesn’t like people like that. Well, hate yourself, Anita.

The challenge of the day becomes clear as we see Jeanne Beker talking to camera the next morning. Jeanne is a fashion journalist and presenter so I’m guessing that the girls will be doing something along those lines.  Yes, she introduces them on camera. Lisa explains Jeanne is big in Canada. Letitia thinks that she knows everyone in Canada. Jeanne tells the girls that their challenge will be walking the streets of Toronto and look at the real people and ask them about their sense of style. 

Coming up! Emma doesn’t know who Karl Lagerfeld is and Whitney has “a line”. Adverts! I don’t know what to think about Lana Del Ray now it seems she has a modicum of self awareness.

We’re back. Lisa interviews that the challenge was twofold. First, being interviewed about fashion and secondly, interviewing others about fashion. Jeanne starts with Letitia and asks her what boho chic is. I know NOTHING about fashion and I know what that means. Letitia, unsurprisingly, looks blank. She interviews that she didn’t know she would be asked about fashion. She hasn’t heard of Michael Kors either.  Lisa fares a little better by going on about how great she thinks Henry Holland is. Bloody Anita is asked to talk about her love of style. She interviews that she could either try and wing it and potentially stuff up or she could just be honest about the fact she’s an idiot. She goes for the latter and tells Jeanne that she loves fashion but she doesn’t know anything about it.

Emma not only hasn’t heard of Karl Lagerfeld, she hasn’t heard of Valentino or Martin Margella either. She confesses that it didn’t go well. Jeanne hands her the microphone and tells her to talk to people whose look she likes. Having been given a challenge where she has to use a modicum of her own judgement she immediately flounders and stands in the middle of the street looking lost. Lisa points this out in her interview.   Lots of people don’t stop for her. When someone does, she asks them what they were thinking when they got up that morning. Unfortunately, the lady doesn’t punch her, merely politely replies that she thought she might need a jumper in the cold. She then calls her scarf a handy piece.

Letitia doesn’t fare much better and is ignored in droves. She finds a bloke to talk to and Lisa says “oh look! She’s talking to a maaaaaan” in a way that no friend of Anita’s ever should.  Letitia asks the man why he chose his outfit. His answer was that they were cheap.  Letitia just giggles at this.  She asks him about his influences and he says Bill Cunningham, Jean Luc Goddard and Quentin Tarantino. Letitia hasn’t heard of any of those “designers”. (One is a photographer and two are directors, fact fans). Lisa asks Jeanne if she’s heard of them.  The man thinks that anyone with half a brain must have at least heard of Quentin Tarantino. He clearly doesn’t know who he’s dealing with. Letitia says that she has but crumbles when pressed. How depressing.

Bloody Anita also fails face first.  Nobody wants to talk to her. When someone does shop she asks them if their outfit is what they would normally wear shopping. They say yes then a tumbleweed goes past. She then asks what the lady’s favourite colour is. She says blue. This is prime time television. NEXT!

Lisa is shown to fare a little better as the first person that she asks stopped. She tells them how much she likes their outfits and asks them what they call their style. Obviously, because they’re hipster arseholes, their look is ‘peasant glam’.  Jeanne is pleased with Lisa and calls her a star.

Feedback time! Jeanne likes Bloody Anita’s spirit and the fact that she was honest about the fact that she was denser than anti-matter.  She thinks Emma has naiveté when it comes to fashion and she needs to believe that she’s passionate. So it’s ok for Bloody Anita? She can feel that Lisa is fascinated by fashion and thinks that Letitia is clueless about fashion and popular culture in general. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. The winner of the challenge will be made over and is going out on the town with an Extra Special Celebrity called Shenae Grimes. The winner is obviously Lisa, probably because she’s the only one that could name a designer. She’s allowed to bring someone with her so she chooses Emma. She says that she wanted to choose her best friend Bloody Anita but she did that last week so now it’s Emma’s turn. Bloody Anita maintains that she should have picked her because she’s more fun. Yes Anita, every girl loves that friend that they go out with that ignores you all night in favour of making eyes at boys.  Jeanne tells them not to be afraid and never give up.

Lisa and Emma get ready and Bloody Anita sarcastically interviews that this is just GREAT because she gets to spend more time with Letitia and she doesn’t know what she will talk to her about.  Emma and Lisa arrive and meet Shenae Grimes. She congratulates them on winning the challenge and tells them how exciting it is to meet her.  Apparently Shenae knows Jeanne as she used to be her intern. Emma and Lisa pretend to like her. [Christ, Shenae Grimes. I always thought the reason she was super-annoying on 90210 was because the character was dreadful, but now she seems gratingly insincere in real life as well. I think I'd rather have taken my chances with Anita and Letitia. - Steve]

Back at the penthouse, Bloody Anita wants to “make a cheers” to her and Letitia and they hilariously pretend that they are the top two and they can’t remember them. Letitia suggests one of them is called Bland. Shenae asks the other two who they would like to get rid of, they say Letitia because she doesn’t want it as much. Back with the other two, they think it’s weird that they are getting on so decide to create some drama by jumping in the hot tub.  Shenae hands Lisa and Emma an Elle mail and by the magic of television, Letitia and Bloody Anita get theirs at the same time. It reads “Hello girls, tomorrow it’s time to head to the stunning lakes. Make sure your photo is as beautiful as the location, love Elle.” Shenae wants to know if they’ve ever been to the lakes as it’s her favourite thing about being a Canadian. Shenae pretends it was nice to meet them and they go home.

At the crack of dawn the next day, the girls travel to the lakes. They arrive in T-shirts even though it’s clearly freezing and are met by Julien standing on a pier. He welcomes them and tells them that they will be doing a shoot for Call It Spring. They are an international footwear and accessories brand that’s coming to the UK soon. Apparently, the brand is playful, energetic, young and engaging and the girls have to encompass this whilst wearing shoes to their full potential. He sends them off to hair and makeup and wishes them luck. Who wants a montage?

They are doing the same ridiculous thing as they did last year by sending the girls down a long path, interviewing them halfway down then filming them walking to the set. It’s ridiculous. Emma is up first. She blathers on about how wonderful the location is and says how nervous she is and she doesn’t want the nerves to get the better of her. Today’s FitPhotographer is only moderately fit. His name is Francesco Garcia.  Julien introduces them. Emma does her shoot with Julien shouting at her, telling her to give it more eyes and less armpit. He then asks her to think about what Elle would do which is strong and confident and he tells her to relax, which always works.  Julien is finally happy and the photographer tells her she’s easy to work with. Emma interviews that she thinks it went well (lie detector beep) and having Julien there was really helpful (beepbeepbeep) and he gave her lots of encouragement (BEEEPEEEEPEEPEPEEPEPEPBPEPE  *BLOWS UP*) . Julien thinks she must have been very nervous and hopes that there’s at least one picture.

Coming up – Kelly Cutrone!  Adverts! Very few things in this world irritate me like Keira Knightly does.

When we return, it’s Lisa’s turn to do the long walk.  Her mid-point thought for the day is that out of everyone, she’s got the most impressing to do. She arrives on set  and is put on the end of the jetty. Julien’s feedback amounts to calling her cheesy and telling her well done when she’s finished. The photographer likes her energy. Lisa hopes she’s pulled it off. Julien is obviously pleased with her and thinks that she could win it, but she was in the bottom two last week so who knows.

Letitia’s turn. She says she’s feeling good despite the nerves and having  Julien there is adding pressure because it could go either way because of his influence at judging [ahahahaha! – Everyone ever]. When she gets on set,  Julien stops the whole thing because the dress isn’t working for her. He tells her not to lose confidence over it. Letitia isn’t bothered, because the changing time gave her more time to get it together.  She giggles a bit and Julien tells her to take it serious.  He hugs her. Letitia reiterates that she appreciated the extra time. Julien agrees she’s beautiful but he expected more from her at this point of the competition and she was still a bit giggly for his liking. But, as he reminds us, she only needs one good picture.

Finally, Bloody Anita.  What, pray tell are your words of wisdom? They are that it is an important photo shoot and she hopes that the judges will continue seeing what they’ve been seeing in her. At this point, The Flood starts up and I can only imagine that the combination of this and Bloody Anita made my co-blogger Steve explode with Rage. Julien wants BA to do it quickly before the weather changes and tells her that he will be rooting for her.  Julien gives her no feedback outside of whooping. The photographer thinks she killed it, Anita gave it her all and feels like she’s on the top of her game and she can win. Julien is impressed that she braved the cold and didn’ t moan, which is akin to complimenting the clothes on an ugly baby.

At the lake, they receive the Elle mail of DOOM “hello girls, I hope you are enjoying the beautiful lake but for one of you it will be the last night of the competition. I’ll see you at elimination. Love, Elle”. Bloody Anita remarks that it could be anyone. Lisa interviews that this is the most nervous she’s ever been before elimination because she was in the bottom two last week. Letitia is also nervous because it’s anyone’s game and she’s freaking out.  Emma doesn’t know how to change her entire personality type and Bloody Anita wants photo of the week again and isn’t prepared to let anyone beat her.


Backstage at elimination, we get to meet Kelly Cutrone who is apparently a fashion publicist. She’s here just as the girls in Britain think they are safe. I like her already. Elle welcomes them all to judging and introduces the judges.  Kelly Cutrone is also apparently a fashion producer and is one of the new judges on ANTM.  Elle recaps that their week was exciting and they had to stand out in an outstanding location. I see what you did there Elle. I wish you hadn’t.

Emma first. She looks nervous as her mediocre picture comes up. She’s asked what she thinks. She thinks she doesn’t look like her. Elle thinks she looks like a 1930’s movie star. Julien remarks that she was super professional  in the shoot and it was good to see her like that. Whitney doesn’t think it’s her best shot but it’s pretty. Kelly reminds Emma that her job is to sell what she’s wearing and she’s not doing that.

Letitia next. Her picture is sub Top Shop. Whitney likes it even though it’s tense and awkward.  This makes everyone chortle. Whitney says her face tells the story of what the shoes are selling. Can we keep Whitney away from Julien please? Kelly thinks it’s rigid and mature and she doesn’t look like a young woman.  Tyson doesn’t think she looks like her and there’s too much tension in the body.  Julien thinks her face can tell a million stories and he thanks god that she has a fantastic face. Julien was shocked that she didn’t know how to perform as a model and wonders if it’s the right time for her, which is clearly a big ruse to try and make her cry. She disagrees and says that it’s totally the right time for her, even though she gets upset sometimes and she can get over criticism with her strong head and willpower. She’s got the drive to take her to the end. Kelly tells her that having bad days is part of being a model . Kelly doesn’t know she has these every day though.

Lisa is dragged in front of the lions and is congratulated for being the only one that knows that clothes exist outside of what you can buy on the high street.  Her picture is fine. Elle thinks that Lisa is gorgeous but she’s not gorgeous in the picture, “babe”.  Lisa and the nation reply “REALLY?” and Elle drops the bomb that Lisa has the same face in every picture. WELL PARDON YOUR FACE, LISA.  Really? Is that where we’re going with this?  Tyson thinks it’s good because she’s selling the shoes. Julien thinks she brought enthusiasm and energy to the shoot but her body looks awkward in the photo. [Then isn't it Julien's job as the judge who as AT THE FUCKING SHOOT to point this out to her at the time when she's got a chance to do something about it? FUCK'S SAKE. - Steve] Whitney then goes on that she’s pouty in front of them and she should change her face for the photograph and smile more. She needs to be conscious of her bone structure and play with it. How exactly, Whitney? With a MALLET?  Kelly then goes on to say that Lisa is very beautiful in person and ANITA PULLS A FACE. Seriously, stewards enquiry now, WHY THE ACTUAL FRICK IS SHE STILL HERE? Why are we tossing Lisa under the bus marked “having a face” when we could be getting rid of her? Kelly goes on to say that Lisa has beautiful eyes and that she’s a sexy vortex into which she’s being drawn (in a non creepy way) but that isn’t coming across in her pictures. She’s a vortex and her photo is two dimensional. Err, that’s what a photo is. I can’t even argue. [I'm not a huge Kelly Cutrone fan, but I am very keen on using the phrase "sexy vortex" in my day-to-day conversation. - Steve]

Pointless mid judging ad break...

Finally, saint Anita’s turn.  Her picture is like something you’d see on the end of the aisle at Asda.  Whitney is upset because she likes it from the neck down and anyone would want to look like that but her face is strained.  Anita says she didn’t realise she was squinting. She’s not squinting in the picture. She looks like herself - a gormless try hard.  Julien thinks it’s a girl with confidence, it’s Betty Boo (I don’t see the Alison Clarkson resemblance), it’s pin up girl, she’s wearing shoes, she has legs and she’s posing so she’s clearly a model with fashion experience. Kelly thinks that if she got that shot she’d have a problem with it and that she’d probably hire her and be disappointed.  Tyson doesn’t think it’s that bad because she looks young and fresh and is wearing the shoes.

Elle then says that she’s dreading judging because she doesn’t know who to send home. They’ll be looking at the body of work, their attitude and what they’re like in person. DRAMATIC MUSIC.

Emma first. Julien thinks she’s beautiful and looks like a model. She’s totally professional and she could have a career. Elle thinks she has a quiet confidence and has remained stoic whilst the other girls have unravelled a bit. Whitney thinks she’s the least interesting from a casting perspective and the least unique.  Julien thinks she’s a money girl whatever that is, she’s versatile and he doesn’t care whether she’s bored because she looks great. Tyson agrees. Elle wonders if she delivers and Whitney thinks she only delivers in photos and everything else about her is boring. Kelly thinks the photo is beautiful and even though she may be a money maker she might not make the money. Whatever that means.

Elle then announces that she doesn’t know at all who is going home which means that she totally does. They move on to Letitia. Whitney doesn’t like the tension in the torso and they may be getting bamboozled by her beauty as she’s still there despite being a bit rubbish.  Kelly thinks she’s a beautiful young woman but she doesn’t seem like a model and her beauty doesn’t come across in photos. Elle thinks that she’s the girl who makes jaws drop when she walks in the room.  Kelly thinks that this would just be straight guys but Elle says it’s everyone and now she’s grown in confidence she seduces the entire room. If  Julien had to put money on it he would say that Letitia was the girl with the most potential but Kelly thinks the boobies are a problem when it comes to samples.

It’s time for the further carving up of Lisa.  Tyson wishes she would do more as she’s not giving everything to them yet. He, Kelly and Whitney agree that she’s a one trick pony.  Whitney thinks that all her other photos and challenge wins to not align with the photo she has taken this week.  Elle disagrees and thinks that even with all the support but isn’t making it in the “diversification” stakes. Is that even a word? A quick Google tells me it’s a banking term. She’s not bringing it to the table enough for the stage of the competition. Kelly thinks she’s a one trick pony and the trick isn’t good enough.

Can Anita do the tricks? Apparently so. Everyone has now decided that her picture is the best and Kelly goes back on what she said five whole minutes ago and pretends that she would hire her despite the stress on her face because she’s got the extra something. Julien says that she’s the only one that would fit into his clothes because she has a model body. They leave it there. [If that's the case, why are the others even in the competition? How is this something you only notice at top four? - Steve]

Just as an aside, I’ve been racking my brains to understand why they’re pushing Anita to win so hard. I’m guessing Company magazine is behind it. I can see the Jade agenda last year but this year the Anita agenda seems to have come in quite late. Any ideas? [I honestly doubt Company has that much sway, but Revlon/Miss Selfridge might. Company only have her on the cover for a month, but the sponsors are stuck with the winner for a year. Remember, young girls can relate to Anita! Just like Little Mix! *vomits all down front* - Steve]

Back to the judging, the girls settle in while the decision making goes into the night. Letitia is upset that Julien questioned her readiness. The judges are arguing about someone that Whitney seems to be sticking up for.  Elle says that they’re hearing her and she has a magical face. We don’t find out who Whitney would never have represent her line.  A decision is made and the girls return.

Elle has four individual beauties in front of her, but only three can continue. Picture of the week goes to Anita. I can’t even.  She can’t believe it. [NEITHER CAN I. - Steve] Next through is Emma, leaving Letitia and Lisa who hold hands. Emma tells Anita that she almost had a heart attack and Anita asks what happened. OH MY GOD. Elle tells Letitia and Lisa that they may have noticed that deliberation was long. This was because they love them both and they should be proud of their work. She’s going to call the name of the one that is through. It’s Letitia who immediately starts crying.  She can’t believe it. [NEITHER CAN I. - Steve]

So the last remaining tolerable girl is going home. Elle knows that she’s going to do well and Lisa says she’ll keep the haircut. Lisa interviews that she’s gutted but she knew that the bus was coming for her full throttle and being in the bottom two again was then end of the road for her. She’s proud of herself but feels like her heart has been ripped out. She’s pleased for the other girls and she’ll never forget her time as it was the best of her life. She fades from the picture and it gets a little less awesome.

So, there we have it. The worst final three in the history of the universe.  Fearne recaps them for us. Anita the scrappy who has fought her way to the top from starting at the bottom. Emma, the classic beauty who has had to ‘battle’ being quiet or Letitia who has never had picture of the week.  Join Steve next week to find out which of these three will be crowned but prepare, if Anita wins he’s not going to be a happy bunny...

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