Saturday, 15 September 2012

Blame Canada

Top 6: 10th September 2012

Hello and welcome to what I’m officially calling the home strait.  Yes, it’s nearly over. Seeing as they’re absolutely determined to get rid of anyone interesting I can’t imagine that it’s going to be a swift ending. But anyway. We begin as always with a recap of last week and a preview of what we’re about to see. We’re promised that it’s going to get EVEN MORE INTENSE with two photoshoots and some spiders. Ooh, spiders are always good.

Be the one I Jimmy Choos!

We’re still in London and Lisa is delighted to be in the final six but the competition is tough because there are five other girls. Oh Lisa. Risikat is closer to the final and it’s all becoming real. As opposed to the imaginary modelling competition she was in before. Roxanne is trying harder as the competition gets tougher because she really wants it. Emma G doesn’t want to let her guard down because if she does she’s going home. Bloody Anita is tired and Letitia asks if everyone is there. So you see, this segment illustrates the competition perfectly in that four of the girls have an opinion and two are selfish airheads who can barely count.  Roxanne says she feels like she there should be girls upstairs. I’ll tell you who they should be, shall I? Kellie and Madeleine should be upstairs and not at home, that’s who should be there. [Co-signed. - Steve]

Bloody Anita has a moment of clarity which I’m totally sure is unscripted and thinks that the tasks last week were about finding out about each other and this week the producers are going to be testing them.  Letitia says everyone has had their ups and downs so any of them could go. Letitia reminds us in her interview that she’s never won picture of the week. AHAHAHAHA! THAT’S COS YOU’RE RUBBISH but you’re still here because you say what you’re told. [And because you cry more than a two-month-old with colic. - Steve] Risikat says she’s here to win. DRRRRRRRRINK.

Elle mail! “Hi girls, meet me in Hyde Park tomorrow for a picnic as I have very important news for you”. Anita thinks that important news is news that might change everything.  Risikat feels it’s more ominous for coming from Elle in person. Bloody Anita, however, is more concerned by what she’s going to wear.  Emma announces that she’s going to shave.  Nice.

The voice of Fearne the pointless tells us that three of the girls are off to the hairdresser before the picnic. Lisa is apparently going to get shorter hair. Letitia is happy that Elle wants to change her hair back to brown and Roxanne is there so here’s hoping she’s going to lose the ridiculous orange hair.  She’s happy she’s going back to brown but is worried that she won’t stand out as much.  The haircuts are just as described. No drama, just high fives all round then on to Hyde Park. [Well, that was pointful. - Steve]

At Hyde Park, Elle is sat on the ground pretending that she eats cakes.  The girls walk in and sit down in a line that probably looks great on camera gut leaves poor Emma sat on the grass. Elle surveys her final six and wants to know how they’re feeling. They all say amazing. She wonders if there’s too much pressure and nobody gives her a straight answer so she takes this as a no and Elle says that she’s going to up the game. She’s thinking two photoshoots. These photoshoots are important because after they’re going overseas. She wants them to guess where they’re going and gives them a clue. It’s a Mountie. You guys all know what a Mountie is, right? Guess who doesn’t. Bloody Anita and Letitia. Lisa thinks that a Mountie is from Mexico because they wear a hat. It doesn’t help that Elle describes him as “a man on a horse in a red jacket”. Elle gives them a prompt. Emma doesn’t know either. Elle tries to get them to guess but is met with six blank faces. She explains to them the concept of Canada. Do you know who would know about Canada? MADELEINE. [Also: anyone with a rudimentary secondary school education. Seriously, where did they find these girls? - Steve] She would have told you.  The Mountie only has five tickets in his hand however, and one of them will be going home before Canada. Yup, that’s how it works. Elle leaves them to their picnic.

Predictably, they all interview about how much they want the ticket to Canada.  It’s boring. Let’s just fast forward to the next day when we’re being told that BACK TO BACK PHOTOSHOOTS is the hardest thing since having a proper job where you work for an actual eight hours and there is no time wasted in hair and makeup. Tyson is hosting the first one at Holborn Studios. He hopes the girls have nerve and shaved legs because there’s 24 legs coming at them and they’re hairy.  He introduces them to three tarantulas named Elle, Julien and Whitney. Hee! Tyson informs them they’re going to be real life spiderwomen and they’ve got to suffer the spiders to go to Canada. Emma wants to know where they’re going. Lisa offers the face as a suggestion and Tyson agrees. Risikat wants to know if they bite. Tyson isn’t sure. They see me trollin’... Tyson tells them that there is medical staff around just in case, you know. He wishes them luck. [I'm really starting to like Tyson. - Steve]

Anita immediately starts crying. She interviews about how upset she was and doesn’t want to do it. Roxanne tries to explain that they’re not going to hurt her and they hardly move anyway. She is unconvinced. Bloody Anita says that she’s scared of all spiders whilst getting her makeup done. Emma has always wanted to do it. The makeup man is a bit creeped out by her enthusiasm. Lisa is creeped out but resolves to get over it.

We’re introduced to the photographer who is SHOCK! A Woman! You’ll be telling us we can vote soon and that a girlband that represents us all will win the X Factor. Her name is Clara and she’s ruined it already by turning up dressed as Jesse J. She is doing it like a dude after all. I’m not even sorry.  Sally is the spider wrangler. Lisa is up first and is introduced to them.  Sally gives Lisa the safety advice. The spiders will nip or throw hairs if they’re upset. Sounds like the girls have all dealt with something similar. HAHAHA! After the adverts, Roxanne freaks out with the spiders and stuffs up the second photo shoot.

Adverts! Julia Roberts is looking more and more like a Jim Henson creation, isn’t she?

After the break we’re still on Lisa. Clara explains that she wants graphic poses. Please don’t talk about spider legs and graphic poses because I’m guaranteed to misunderstand you. Don’t worry about Emma though, she’s shaved.  Lisa pretends to understand. She interviews that she was frozen to the spot as they put three tarantulas on her. Lisa interviews that she could definitely feel them on her skin. Clara wants her to be raw and sexy and look like she’s enjoying it. Tyson tells her to relax. Lisa interviews that she was having a mental battle between being scared of the spiders and trying to relax into a good photo. They stop the shoot and give her a chance to ‘step out of her head’. Stop being ridiculous and American, Tyson.  Tyson wants her to be her because it’s not looking good. She goes back in and they seem to be happier with that. She’s upset because she was so scared and let the fear get to her. Tyson doesn’t think it was a good shoot for her. She interviews that she’s worried that her place in Canada is at risk and going on today’s shoot she doesn’t think she’s going.

Next up is Emma. She says backstage that she needs to get it over with, despite being excited about it earlier.  She freaked out a bit when the spider went on her cheek so she has a little cry. Tyson tells her that THERE’S NO CRYING IN MODELLING so she goes again and does much better.  They seem pleased she’s recovered.

Next up is Bloody Anita, who is trying to tell herself that tarantulas are just hamsters with eight legs. Lisa tells her not to look at them. Bloody Anita interviews that this is the first time she’s ever encountered a tarantula where she hasn’t had a choice about dealing with them or not. She flinches when it’s on her head and she’s told not to do that.  She becomes the worst kind of judge sucking up bait ever and says that she used her fear to make her do better. OH DEAR LORD SHUT YOUR FACEHOLE. [I really do not like Anita, but credit where it's due: she sure is genre-savvy when she needs to be. - Steve] They all love her and tell her that she’s the best model ever.  She’s Tyson’s winner from the first frame. Emma says what we’re all thinking and wonders how someone with a spider phobia can do so well. Roxanne can’t look at the camera when she answers the question with a flippant explanation that Anita is a drama queen. Yeah, we can use that clip to answer pretty much any question. Bloody Anita interviews that she feels like a bit of a fool for being such a gigantic baby and hopes that the judges won’t see her as unprofessional. YAWN.

It’s Letitia’s turn. When they placed a tarantula on her face never have I been more curious about how they poo. She interviews that they all totally latched on to her face and oh my god it was so sore. Tyson tells her to be more sexy so she sits up and Tyson says ‘OOH, SCARY’ but she does well in the end. Risikat could not look more uncomfortable. She interviews that she had to make some noise to stop the fear coming out on her face. Roxanne and Letitia laugh at her backstage. They love her too.  She’s happy with herself but she’s not resting on her laurels because there’s two photoshoots.

Last up is Roxanne who has decided to have a freak out of her own. Letitia explains that it’s just that she’s had more time to get nervous but Roxanne isn’t so sure.  She knows that when the spider goes on her skin she’ll effing flip. Why is this beeped at nearly nine thirty? We’ll never know.  She’s sure she’s going to scream and cry. Letitia makes it better by explaining that the spiders have hooks. She arrives for the shoot and tells everyone that she’s scared. Tyson says he’s going to help her to relax and I go off into a little fantasy about him helping me to relax. She interviews that she was freaked out at the beginning and she had to psych herself up. Tyson promises not to let them hurt her. She sits there, clearly terrified whilst everyone tells her to be sexy. She starts to freak out and they help by telling her that they’ve already got some good shots. She obviously sees this as an opportunity for it all to be over and starts to flip out completely. They get the spiders off of her when she starts screaming and Tyson helps her up and walks her around the room.  Tyson then helpfully tells her that she was doing really well. The girls speculate that it was because the spider was moving. Roxanne interviews that she’s disappointed in herself because she wasn’t expecting herself to do that. Oh god, right in the grammar. They tell her that they can get even better shots if she goes back. Roxanne realises that she’s on thin ice already so she better go back and get the perfect shot otherwise she’s off. So, she goes back and she’s proud of herself. She freaks out again and Anita bitches about the attention she’s getting. That’s because she got an actual fear and not a pretend one, I would guess.  They minimise the spider contact and give her a face only shot that she does well. Roxanne says it’s the worst day of her life ever while Emma, Bloody Anita and Letitia bitch about her backstage.  Seriously, there is nobody in this competition left to like. [What a bunch of bitches. I notice it never occurred to them that while Roxanne was getting extra attention and minimised spider exposure, that's exactly the sort of thing that gets brought up at panel, marks you out as "difficult" and increases your chances of going home. Instead they just decided to scowl about how unfair it was to all of them that she was having an extremely phobic reaction. Horrible, horrible little girls. - Steve]

Back at the house, it’s the worst day of Emma’s life too, as she’s telling everyone now she’s got a spider phobia. Roxanne explains that the spider running down her leg freaked her out. They all hope tomorrow will be easier.  In the confessional room, Lisa and Anita are bitching that Roxanne only had one spider on it. Roxanne talks about this too and says that she realises that she’s on her own.  I never, ever thought I’d see competitive phobias on this programme. Actually, strike that, it was only a matter of time.

Adverts! There’s not a lot of people to like on that TK Maxx street stylers advert, is there?

We’re back for another photoshoot in a country house. Risikat explains that everyone is feeling the pressure, apart from Emma who is more worried about the front door of the house being as big as a tree.  Bloody Anita is amazed that she got to go to a house like that and hopes to live in one when she’s a top model. She cracks me up. The girls are met by Carly O’Connor who is the marketing manager for Revlon. Their shoot is for the 80th birthday of the brand and they’ll be shooting a campaign for Lip Butters on the theme of ‘Let them eat cake’.Bloody Anita is completely lost at this. They’ve got to capture the essence of the Revlon woman, the softness of the lip butters and the extravagance of Marie Antionette. Simple!

Roxanne interviews that things are more serious as the competition gets harder and nobody is talking much.  Risikat is excited to meet someone from Revlon as that’s part of the prize and she wants to make a good impression. She’s up first and she gets to meet the semi-fit photographer, Seb Winter, first. She’s told the theme is playful and indulgent and wishes her luck.  Risikat interviews that she’s getting giggly about Canada and she totally deserves to be in the final five. They seem happy with her shoot as she has expressions on her face.

Emma next.  They want her to smile with closed lips and not be sexy.  She interviews that she didn’t know how to stop being sexy. It’s a chore that I also struggle with. She got there in the end though and they’re happy with her final shot, but wish she’d got there earlier.

Bloody Anita interviews that the shoot is her thing as its commercial. She says that it’s the first serious shoot whilst they tell her to be playful and stop looking so scared. She interviews that it’s the last shoot in the UK and if she doesn’t pull it off she’s not going to Canada.  She thinks she’s done enough, but the client thinks that she can’t do much beyond elegant and poised.

Roxanne interviews that she’s extra nervous because she didn’t do well yesterday. The photographer screams at her to smile at her eyes and asks her for more but she’s not sure what she’s after. They’re disappointed that they didn’t get more off her.  Roxanne interviews that she’s risking everything to become a model  and she’s got a kid to look after and hasn’t got a job so she’s looking to make modelling her career.  She asks Lisa backstage how she can be playful in that dress and says she thinks she’s going home.  I would say that you’re going home because you’re featuring loads in this episode where you’ve hardly caused a ripple thus far and they’re not going to bring your kid in again, but what do I know? [Well, you know what Canada is. That puts you ahead of nearly everyone on this show. - Steve]

Letitia is next. She’s not nervous because it’s just about her face and we all know how much she loves that.  Annoyingly, she does really well really quickly. GAHHH. Lisa does well too, she pretends she’s feeling the pressure but she aces it in about thirty seconds. She’s glad of the boost.  She interviews that she hopes the judges can see it’s all the spiders’ fault that she was rubbish yesterday.

Back at the house, Roxanne is crying to her mum on speakerphone about how much she wants to come home. Emma is scared about elimination. Letitia thinks she deserves to stay and Risikat doesn’t really care who goes because she’s going to win.  Nice. 

Fearne tells us that it’s time for judging.  Slacking on the Elle mail today, aren’t we?  Today’s guest judge is Poppy Delavigne who is apparently a fashion ambassador. I have no idea either.

Letitia is called first for judging. Elle wants to know how the spiders were.  She answers that she put on a brave face. Looking at the picture she really, really didn’t. Whitney rightly points out that she looks like she’s got a lazy eye.  Poppy advises her to drop her chin next time. Her beauty shot isn’t all that either. Julien tells her that it’s not enough just to be beautiful.  Judging by her picture and her actions she really, really does think that it’s enough.  Elle asks her if she really thinks she could be in the final five. She replies that she’s getting back into her top game so it would be a shame if she went now. Julien tells her she needs to engage with her eyes more. For once, I agree with him.  He says they need to be brighter and she starts crying. OH LETITIA, BORE OFF WITH THE BLOODY CRYING NOBODY IS IMPRESSED. Elle tells Julien off and Whitney says something about her pupils being big. I’m bored now.

Let’s see how hard that bus is coming for Roxanne, shall we? Elle refers to the fact that Tyson had to hold her hand so I’m guessing it’s heading for her pretty hard.  Roxanne says she doesn’t know what happened. Her photo is still better than Letitia’s.  Tyson thinks she did well despite the fear. Poppy says that she would never know that she was scared and she likes it.  Her beauty shot is terrible however. She looks like she’s smelled a bad fart. Whitney is more polite and describes it as smug.  Roxanne says she found it hard because she didn’t know how to smile without showing her teeth. Elle says it’s obvious that she was thinking this. Nobody has said smize yet. I’m disappointed. 

Mid judging pointless ad break.

We return for Risikat’s evaluation.  Poppy thinks it’s intense and she likes it. I’m guessing that Poppy is the kind of person who likes everything though. Her beauty shoot is gorgeous. Whitney thinks so too and thinks that she’s pleased the brand. Elle wants to know why Risikat thinks she should go to Canada. I think she should go because she’s the only half likeable one left. She says it’s because she’s improving week after week and she wants to get better. Ok, you can have that.

BloodyAnita’s shot. She did well, much to my annoyance. Julien mumbles something about her bringing something every week and that she’s rocking his boat. Her beauty shot is good too. Elle thinks it’s present, engaged and inviting. All the things that she isn’t in real life. Two lucky shots. Well done. Elle wants to know why she should be chosen over the other girls. Anita thinks there’s room for her in the market.

Lisa next.  Elle thinks her walk is confident but Lisa says she’s nervous. She should be. She thinks her spider shot is going to be rubbish and it is. She looks terrified and is stiff.  Julien thinks there’s no life and she looks petrified. Her beauty shot, according to Elle, is beautiful and beguiling. It is. She looks stunning. [She really does. That looked like a competition-winning shot right there. I hope so, anyway. Lisa's about the only one left I like. - Steve] Julien wonders what to do with her because she’s got the best and worst photos in the same week. Lisa’s counter argument to this is that she’s consistent. BOKAY THEN. She’s willing to work harder.

Finally, it’s Emma. Her spider shot is lovely. Whitney says it’s an interesting dichotomy.  Someone got a thesaurus for Christmas!  She immediately ruins it by saying she has a scour on her face.  Her beauty shot is a bit odd, but Poppy thinks it’s ethereal and one of the only beauty shot that she loves. Emma thinks she should go to Canada because she’s started well, she got worse and now she wants to get better. Way to sell yourself!

Elle tells everyone that they’ve done well  but now they’re going to decide who’s going to Canada.  Risikat says how intense it is backstage. So intense, she uses the word twice. Letitia doesn’t want to go. Lisa doesn’t know who’s going and Anita thinks it’s hard to care about other people because whoever goes makes her life easier. Lisa is disgusted with her shot.

Judging! Letitia got the angle of her face wrong but it’s not the worst picture. Whitney thinks she struggled this week and although she’s beautiful she isn’t performing. Tyson thinks she looks good. Whitney thinks she’s not improving and Elle spouts some psychobabble about her feeling defeated. Julien thinks they wouldn’t miss her if they went to Canada. Poppy loves Risikat and thinks she looks like a model. Julien thinks Anita is the competition and is a special package. Tyson agrees. It’s just as well he’s pretty. Elle thinks that they can’t afford to be having shots like Lisa’s spider shot at this stage of the competition but she redeems herself with the beauty shot.  Poppy thinks she’s staggeringly beautiful. As for Emma, Julien thinks there’s  a fine line between scary and beautiful and Emma is scarily beautiful . Elle thinks she’s beautiful but forgettable. Poppy thinks that taking her to Canada will make her stand up for herself.  It’s a tough decision!

Back in the judging room, there are six girls in front of Elle but five photographs. Top picture goes to Lisa’s beauty shot, followed by Bloody Anita, Risikat then Emma. This leaves Roxanne and Letitia. The girl with the most potential will be the one that is staying and that girl is... Letitia. Yup, I knew that would happen. [It would appear from the call-out order that the spider pictures were negligible in determining who stayed and it was all down to the Revlon shoot - which, considering they're one of the prize sponsors, probably shouldn't be that much of a surprise. - Steve] Elle tells Roxanne that she’s done a great job and should go home and hug her daughter.  Roxanne is upset that she’s not going to Canada. She’s gutted to be going home and is upset that she started out well and got worse.  It’s been amazing, she’s had her ups and downs and moods and been branded as all sorts but she’s had a great time and good experience and nobody can take that away from her.

Meanwhile, as sad as it is to say goodbye to Roxanne, everyone else is off to Toronto and they’re very happy about it. They look at their pictures together and are amazed they are the final five. Next week we are promised Anita developing another phobia [the phobia of people not paying her enough attention, I'm guessing - Steve] and Canada!  Join Steve for that next week.

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