Girls will be boys

Top 11: 6th August 2012

First of all, allow me to apologise for not being Helen. She was supposed to be recapping this week, but I begged her to swap with me so that I didn't end up recapping both BintModel and the first episode of The X Factor in the same weekend, and she very kindly agreed. I can only try to live up to her levels of scorn. [Ach, stoppit - Helen]

Previously: MAKEOVERS! Risikat got a short Halle Berry-style cut, while poor, poor Roxanne ended up with hair the colour of the cast of Geordie Shore. Still, she overcame the odds to get first call-out, while Voice Of Fearne tells us that "after an emotional elimination, it was Penelope who got the chop". That doesn't even make sense. Does nobody proof-read these scripts? Or do they just let Fearne write her own? [I can imagine Fearne's crayon scrawled ideas. I suspect she writes them on herself - Helen] This week: fighting and androgyny, it seems. I like the sound of this already.

Titles. Be the one, be the one, BE THE ONE AHH-CHOOOS!

Backstage at last week's elimination, Roxanne is feeling a teensy bit smug about getting photo of the week; she thinks she deserved it because she put a lot of energy into that shoot. Tasmin interviews with barely-concealed glee that everyone in the contest is getting on nicely, apart from Roxanne and Madeleine. Roxanne admits that she and Madeleine had a bit of a fight, which appears to have been prompted by Madeleine looking at Emma's picture and saying it should have been picture of the week. Roxanne, the actual recipient of picture of the week, takes this as a slur, even though I don't think it was really intended as one; Madeleine just has a rather clumsy way of expressing herself. Madeleine interviews that Roxanne must have hearing problems, because "she keeps hearing me badly". Heh. Roxanne tells Madeleine that she shouldn't insult her within earshot (because I'm sure she'd be so much happier if she thought Madeleine was criticising her behind her back), and Madeleine says she didn't intend to offend. In an interview, Madeleine shrugs: "I'm French. We're not known to keep things to ourselves." Man, France's Next Top Model (La Prochaine Top Modèle de la France?) must make amazing TV. (Except Wikipedia tells me it hasn't aired a new cycle since 2007, so maybe not.) [I know I've said it before but it bears repeating. I love Madeleine so hard, especially now she's EUROPEAN - Helen]

Back at the house, Madeleine continues to stew while Anita interviews that she feels sorry for Madeleine because she's so different from the rest of them, being so tactless and everything. I think I'd really enjoy Anita's variety of guileless insults if she weren't so disappointingly inept as a contestant. Anita interviews that Roxanne is no better because she's so "opinionated", so they should probably just keep away from each other. If there isn't some sort of team challenge pairing them up together by the end of this episode, I will eat my couture sunglasses.

Elle Mail! Lisa reads it: "Hi Girls, Modelling is tough, you have to overcome your insecurities and embrace who you are, flaws and all ... Tomorrow morning be ready to tell the world you're proud of who you are. Love Elle x" If this challenge does not involve the words "guest judge Lady Gaga" I'm going to be very cross. Letitia thinks it's likely to involve talking. Tasmin thinks it'll be NUDE talking. The girls head off to the confessional room in their usual groups: Emma paired with Letitia (still utterly indistinguishable); Lisa paired with Kellie (The Axis Of Irish is all well and good, but it's no Eastern European Axis Of Formerly-Blonde Evil, is it?) and Madeleine all by herself. Basically, nobody has a clue and Madeleine does not give one tiny shit: "maybe fly into space and talk to aliens about our secret insecurities, I have no idea." [She's got the potential for Joy levels of amazingness. I can feel it - Helen]

The next day, they're off to a school. Lisa tells us that she's a freak, because she loved school. I wonder what that must have been like. They are met in a classroom by a main with a hair topknot who does not look like a teacher; this is because he is image consultant Vernon François [I really wanted him to be called Ruby Rhod - Helen]. He explains that their challenge for today is to write their biggest insecurity on a t-shirt, and then explain to 200 people why they chose this particular aspect. Anne admits that speaking to large crowds is not something she's comfortable with. Lisa hopes she can relate to just one of the students. They get to work, and Anne tells us that she has a lot of insecurities, so finding just one to put on a t-shirt was a bit of a complicated selection process. Basically Anne's head is like the series seven BintModel auditions - there's even a little Charley Speed in there running out to find insecurities on the street and make them feel really uncomfortable. And they were insecurities in the first place, so you can just imagine what they'll be like when he's finished with them. Tasmin interviews that Kellie found the challenge difficult because she's a very positive person. Kellie doodles some hearts on her t-shirt as she tells us that it's hard to find things to say. Vernon asks her to think of the first thing that comes into her head, and Kellie tells him that she can be shy sometimes. Amusingly, Vernon's next line is bleeped out, so I can only assume he thought she said "shite" and repeated it back to her, which seems to be borne out by Kellie confirming "shy" back at him. Vernon tells her to think about why she's shy.

In the assembly hall, kids arrive and start to sit down. I wonder what part of the curriculum this comes under. David Cameron's probably fretting that they're trying to write this off as a Games lesson instead of training to be future Olympians. Backstage is Radio 1's Aled Jones, who tells them that he knows how hard it can be to deal with these issues, and that the hardest audience is often children. Remember, this man worked with Chris Moyles, so he knows what he's talking about. He tells them they'll all feel so much better when they've got this off their chest. If by "this" he means those ugly t-shirts, I expect he's right.

Anne goes out first, parading down the catwalk wearing a t-shirt with "NOSE" written on it, within the nose of a little cartoon face. Except the way she's arranged the letters, it looks a little bit like it says "NOES!" She explains to the crowd that she hates her nose, and she used to try to hide it with her long hair. She thinks it was once a weakness, but now it's a strength.

Adverts. The Wedding Video doesn't look any less crashingly unfunny than it did last week.

When we return, 'What Makes You Beautiful' is playing as more and more girls plod down the catwalk. The way that they flip their insecurities gets me overwhelmed! Jennifer's shirt says "second choice", Tasmin's says "closed off", Roxanne's says "confidence". Anita's says "short fuse", and she intones sagely that "it's not worth punching people in the face". If she doesn't make it as a model (and let's face it, she probably won't), I think Anita's true calling is as a motivational speaker. Tasmin says that she finds it hard to open up to people, while Letitia's shirt says "worried" and she explains that she's always concerned what people think of her. Roxanne tells the kids that she was bullied at school and had bad skin, but that you just need to be who you are, gay, straight or bi, lesbian, transgender life, etc etc. Risikat (wearing an "odd" t-shirt) says that she was brought up in Ukraine (a last-minute bid for entry into The Axis?) [HELLS YES - Helen] and she always felt like the odd one out, but being yourself is amazing, so love yourself and be cool. Kellie is terrified, and gets a hug from Vernon; her t-shirt says "scared, lost and lonely" because school was cliquey and she was always getting into trouble and getting suspended for her behaviour and her piercings, but once you grow up it's okay to be who you are. I quite want this to be the cue for all the kids to be so inspired by the prospect of being themselves that they start rioting and piercing their noses with paperclips, but sadly the littluns all stay politely in their seats. She interviews that she feels like she confronted her 13-year-old self, and she's glad she did it. Aled speaks to the kids to find out what they've learned, and one of them chirps up "beautiful women can have insecurities!" Well, I'm so glad that's the lesson they're all taking away from this.

Aled congratulates the girls and tells them he's arranged a reward of a big night out for all of them. Back at the house, everyone's getting ready. Lisa's excited about her first night out in London, while Roxanne is tired and missing her daughter. She calls home and blubs as her daughter babbles excitedly at her, and signs off by saying "see you soon!" which seems like a fate-tempting choice of words. The girls are taken to a rooftop bar overlooking Trafalgar Square, where they drink champagne and enjoy chocolate-covered strawberries. "Rich people live well," notes Madeleine. Risikat and Roxanne talk about how this is inspiring them to keep going. Food arrives, as well as an Elle Mail: "Girls, the competition is getting tougher every day, and sometimes you've just got to man up. Be ready to do it like a MANDEMSUGASUGASUGA for your photoshoot tomorrow. But for now, go and enjoy yourselves! Love Elle x" I may have paraphrased the MANDEMSUGA part, but I'm sure you know what the original said. Also Letitia, who's reading it out, actually says "exclamation mark" at the end. Bless.

The girls go on to another bar for MOAR DRINKS, and Madeleine starts throwing some shapes on the dancefloor. The next day, there are some sore heads and Lisa interviews that they were hoping for a lie-in after their night out, but no, they had to get up at EIGHT O'CLOCK! Roxanne mumbles that she feels sick. "Hangover sick?" asks Madeleine, failing to hide a smirk. They're all taken by coach to what Roxanne describes as "an old building, like a gentlemen's club" (she didn't like it, it looked haunted) where they're greeted by a very dapper-looking Tyson, who tells them that he wants them to "tap into their inner dude". On camera? That's disgusting. [To be fair, Tyson is 'in the area'. *gets  coat* - Helen] They're being styled as men, and must play a man while retaining their feminine charm - oh, and they've only got five minutes to get their best shot.

Predictably, Jessie J bleats on the soundtrack as the girls head off to get made-up and Risikat interviews that the main feeling between the girls was confusion: "why would anyone want us to be like a man?" I can only refer her to Ciara on that one. Anita says that she's only just come to terms with walking like a girl, and now she has to learn to walk like a man. Heh. Lisa is worried about the timed aspect, because it takes her a while to warm up. Kellie giggles that she's dressed like her dad.

The photographer is Alex James (no, not that one) [CHEESE WANK... sorry - Helen] and Letitia is up first. She explains that they've not studied male models, only female ones, and as a result she had no idea what sort of poses she had to do. Tyson reminds us all that Letitia's big problem is that she's (say it with me now) too sexy, but that in this shoot, it works.

After another oddly-timed ad break, we come back and join Jennifer, whose makeover hairdo actually seems well-suited for this challenge. She's posing precariously on a mantelpiece and looking manly in a feminine way, which seems to be very much the brief as far as I can discern it. Well done Jennifer. Alex says that Jennifer was nice to work with. Risikat is next, and her posing is a little stilted; she admits that she was having trouble remembering to pose like a man. However, Alex likes the "sultry, not stroppy" vibe she was bringing. After her we have Kellie, who appears to struggle with the sexy side of the proceedings - as does Anita, who's focusing so hard on not squinting that she goes too far in the other way and just looks startled. She frets in an interview that she's "one of the weaker ones". Tyson and Alex agree that she poses like "a shy girl".

Emma follows, and says that hearing everyone before coming out with negative opinions of how their shoot went made her more determined that hers would be a good one. "The clothes are masculine, but you're not," Tyson tells her, which gives me flashbacks of my first day of secondary school. Tyson thinks she didn't come in as strong as she expected, and Emma returns to the others dejected, saying that she essentially misunderstood the brief. Madeleine is next, and Tyson wants more sexiness from her: "just the hint of a boob or something," suggests Alex. Tyson and Alex think she looks scary in some pictures. Roxanne goes in with confidence, and tries to balance the masculine clothes with a feminine demeanour, explaining that if they wanted them to behave like men, surely they'd have just cut out the middleman and hired male models? Tyson tells her that she has a minute left, but probably doesn't need it. Roxanne, of course, relates this exchange to the other girls afterwards, because she's classy like that.

Then we have Lisa, who admits that she had an advantage going later in the process because she'd picked up what was expected of her from the earlier girls' failure to deliver, and she hopes that she's done enough for photo of the week, because she'd really like that. Tyson and Alex are impressed with her diversity - "get her an agent, she'd be working this week," says Alex. After her is Tasmin, who is hoping not to be in the bottom two again - "I think two times in a row is enough" - but Tyson's and Alex's response to her shoot seems lukewarm. Anne, on the other end, gets a good response, with Tyson asking her if she's sure she hasn't modelled before.

The girls head back to the house, where Roxanne has decided they should have a roast dinner, so everyone gets involved with preparing it. Anita interviews that it's the first time they've all sat down for a meal together, and Risikat adds that the experience helped them to feel closer to their families. Of course, thoughts soon turn to elimination, as Jennifer says that they have no idea who did well, and Madeleine admits she's feeling apprehensive for the first time. Tasmin thinks the fact that they've tried to send her home twice and yet she's still here must mean something. This is where someone needs to introduce her to the phrase "circling the drain". Back at the table, Anita says that it's a "nice dinner to end someone's journey". Heh. She interviews that she gave everything up for this, including her job. She doesn't want to have to move back to her mum's, though I suspect she might want to start getting used to the idea. Tasmin proposes a toast to their last time as the Top 11. Roxanne is hoping to get photo of the week for a second week in a row.

As the girls prepare for panel, Voice of Fearne runs us through the prizes one more time, as well as the roster of judges. This week's guest judge is prolific supermodel, and trailblazer as the first to walk in male and female catwalk shows, Andrej Pejic. Andrej is seriously stunning. I can imagine pretty everyone being Andrej Pejic-sexual, regardless of their orientation the rest of time. (He did send FHM into a whirlwind of gay panic after all, which must have been fun for him.) First to see her picture this week is Jennifer, who looks like "a beautiful boy" according to Elle, who sees this as a natural segue to seek Andrej's opinion. Andrej loves the long body and the face pose. Tyson tells the panel that he and the photographer both loved working with Jennifer, which Elle points out is "good feedback". Thanks for that, Elle. Lisa is next, and Elle thinks she's gorgeous. Whitney likes that she's quirky and cute, while Julien likes that she's young, fresh and sporty. Andrej thinks the posing is awkward, but it works. Then we have Anita, whose picture doesn't get such good reviews: Elle points out that Anita's right eye is "stuck to the corner of [her] nose" and makes her look cross-eyed. Tyson says that she was trying so hard not to squint that it backfired. Whitney loves the pose, however, and thinks Anita just needs a bit more confidence. Andrej tells her that as a model you have to adapt to new situations constantly, being a chameleon, so there's no room for self-doubt.

Adverts. Revlon remind us that they're associated with BintModel, as if we couldn't guess. Also, lovely Gethin Jones continues to wander around Holland & Barrett stores that are not my local one, because life is unkind like that.

When we return, it's time for defending picture-of-the-week champion Roxanne. Elle asks if she was feeling pressure, and Roxanne says she felt like she needed to bring it again. Tyson's all "OH, SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS IT." Roxanne protests that she's "not cocky at all", and once again we get drawn into that tedious reality TV minefield where women are told to believe in themselves more but told they're arrogant and offputting if they actually take that advice. Sigh. Luckily for Roxanne, her shot is great, and Andrej's favourite so far. Tyson thinks she's great to work with as a model, but doesn't offer much personality. "She's a great model, but as someone you want to hang out with on a long photoshoot, nah, not really." HARSH. Elle tells him off for being too personal. Roxanne cries and apologises, and Tyson tells her not to worry about it. I have a feeling we might see Roxanne's confidence issues leaping all over the place throughout the rest of the series now. Julien, sensibly, says they should get back to the picture and tells Roxanne that for the first time, she looks like a Top Model. Elle loves the picture, and loves Roxanne's hair like this (to be fair, it does look a lot better this week) and spanks Tyson with her cue cards for his impudence. Tyson looks like he's enjoying it rather than feeling chastened though. Roxanne stomps back to the line-up, chewing her cheek, and it's Madeleine, of all people, who reaches out a friendly arm as she passes, though Roxanne doesn't respond.

Risikat next, and Andrej isn't a fan of her shot, as he thinks there's nothing fashion or editorial about it. Julien thinks that if anyone could pull off this styling, it should be Risikat, but unfortunately she just looks like an average pretty girl in an average picture. Then we have Emma, and Elle thinks her picture looks like an eighties supermodel. Julien thinks she makes the clothes look amazing, and she looks gorgeous. Elle tells Emma it was a good week for her. After her, it's Tasmin, whose Bettie Page pose gets a thumbs-down from the panel. Whitney thinks it looks too obvious, and if you're going to do that pose you need to pop the body. Andrej thinks she has a great body, but the picture isn't showing it. Julien thinks she's a little girl in the body of a "huge, incredible model" and she needs to put those two things together. Again, that makes no sense. Surely she's already put them together, discovered it's not working, and now needs to remove the little girl from the equation? Modelling maths is hard, you guys. Elle starts to make "we're basically giving up on you" noises.

Anne's picture is deemed "disappointing" by Elle and "very catalogue" by Andrej. Julien thinks this should have been Anne's week, but he could've done a better job himself. Tyson attempts to defend Anne, saying it was her last shot of the day, and he wants to blame the room. Elle loves Madeleine's picture, but Whitney thinks her eyes look dizzy. Elle is pleased that she's found a good angle to be photographed from. Letitia next, and her shot is her reclining in a chair in an aloof fashion. Elle loves it and thinks it's the coolest take on "sexy" that they've seen. Tyson thinks you can't teach this, and she just went in and nailed it. Julien doesn't think the picture looks masculine at all, and she looks like a glamorous girl in masculine clothes. Was that not the entire point? I don't get why he's phrasing all this like it's a criticism. Julien's critiques are so opaque sometimes. Finally, we have Kellie, who is asked about her "scared, lost and lonely" t-shirt. Elle asks her if she feels like that today, and Kellie says that she really felt a release after going to the school. Another triumph of modelling over medicine! Kellie's shot is not great, largely because of the ludicrously high-waisted trousers that have completely destroyed her torso. Whitney thinks her face looks beautiful, though. Julien tells Kellie it's her job to make the clothes look amazing, and she should've turned to the side more - but she'll learn that sort of thing as the competition goes on.

Time for the judges to deliberate. Jennifer's picture is the first one up for discussion: Whitney loves it because she feels like Jennifer is growing in confidence, and Tyson likes that she took charge of the shoot. Andrej thinks Letitia's picture is great, but she's not one of his favourite girls and he doesn't see her having a high-end career. Lisa's picture is loved by all. Anita lacks strength, according to Julien. Tyson likes Roxanne's picture but not her attitude, while Julien thinks she answered the brief the best, and Andrej thinks she looks like a working model. Risikat didn't work it, and Julien thinks she needs to work harder. Elle thinks Emma looks hot, and Whitney thinks that you look at this picture and want to be her. Tasmin was on notice, Whitney says, and had to wow this week, but didn't do it. Julien thinks her personality doesn't go with her body, and Tyson thinks she was one of the tougher shots of the day. Anne's picture is a disappointment, and she looks bored. Whitney thinks Madeleine looks better in pictures than she does in real life, but she's not one of her favourites. Julien thinks there's nothing there beneath the clothes, the hair and the make-up, and Elle cracks that the same is true of her. Finally Kellie, "last and maybe least" - Andrej thinks she could be a high-end model, but she needs to work on her body and learn how to take better photos. The judges have made a decision. Who's going home?

Elle has 11 beautiful models before her, but only 10 photographs in her hands. This week, there is a tie for picture of the week between Emma and Roxanne. Well, that's unusual. The following girls are also safe: Letitia, Lisa, Jennifer, Anita, Madeleine, Kellie and Risikat. That leaves Anne and Tasmin in the bottom two, and one of them is going home. Elle fudges her lines here, saying "the name of the girl I do not call must leave immediately", giving me a mental image of a giant TASMIN name-plate departing the competition while Tasmin is allowed to remain behind on the condition that she is now officially nameless. Because let's be honest, Tasmin's going home here. Elle tells Tasmin that this is her third week in the bottom two, and she's always there for the same reason - the potential the judges see in her that doesn't turn up in her pictures. Anne also gives them high expectations, but they worry that she's sliding backwards. So who stays? Anne, obviously, because it's third time unlucky for Tasmin. Anne heads backstage for a hug.

Elle tells Tasmin that she's "done a great job", and I'm not really sure what she's basing that on given Tasmin's unbroken run in the bottom two. Tasmin says it's been a really good experience and she doesn't regret anything, and she's going to miss all the girls - "they're really nice". I have to say, this lot do seem to have bonded remarkably quickly. We see a montage of Tasmin's pictures, and I actually think her shot from last week wasn't that bad, but overall I guess her portfolio is a bit underwhelming. She fades out from the group shot. Bye Tasmin!

Next week: an acting challenge! A trip to Paris! And best of all: JOY! JOY IS BACK! I hope she hasn't lost her endearing surliness. [I love her so very, very much - Helen] Join Helen for all the gossip, assuming there aren't any more last-minute switcheroos.

Fifty Shades Of Orange

Top 12: 30th July 2012

Previously on BintModel: the girls fulfilled their contractual reality TV obligations by getting really excited about a house, they were hoisted into the air for a photo shoot at which point Jennifer felt rather unwell and for which she was called a "wimp" by Elle at panel, and Emma S fulfilled her destiny as the most obvious first boot in the history of forever.

This week: MAKEOVERS! Helen must be so gutted she didn't get to recap this one. Also the remaining contestants will be serving up Bad Girls realness in a sexy prison-themed photoshoot. Because few things in this world are more of an aphrodisiac than the possibility of being shanked in the corridors by Psycho Bev from G-Wing. [And now I'm thinking about Yvonne Atkins. Thanks - Helen]

Titles! I know Helen doesn't like these, but I think it's genuinely the best combination of music and visuals that BintModel has ever had, in any iteration. I know that's a low bar to clear, to the extent that you could probably do it in a floor-length skirt without disturbing your hemline, but still: progress! [I agree actually. They've gone from eye gougingly terrible to a bit rubbish - Helen]

Go shorty! It's your birthday! We gon' party like it's your birthday! The sweet tones of 'In Da Club' greet us as we return to Model Manor...which is covered in police tape. Wow, the Leveson Inquiry really is leaving no stone of the Murdoch empire unturned. Hilariously, the contestants are all so feisty/stupid (delete as applicable) that this doesn't actually deter any of them, and they just walk under it and into the house. I hope that this was a secret test to see if they were fit to be role models for young women throughout Britain and Ireland, and they've all just failed for doing that. They'll never unseat Little Mix now. Anita gives us yet another terrifying glimpse into her psyche as she interviews that she thought this meant there would be a male stripper inside dressed as a policeman. If this is Anita's approach to life in general, then I imagine being her friend involves getting a lot of calls in the small hours of the morning to bail her out of police custody.

They go into the house and all of the doors have got "NO ENTRY" signs on them, so of course the girls all ignore those too and go into the living room, where they see mugshot-style pictures of themselves stamped with things like "DRAB" and "NOT WORKING". Anita's says "TOO GLAMOUR", which Penelope (I think) helpfully points out means she "looks like a porn star". Jennifer, meanwhile, is concerned that hers just said "ALL WRONG". Fortunately, there's an Elle Mail on the way to clear things up: "Hello girls, The style jury is out and tomorrow your fashion fate will be decided. All rise and be ready to leave at 9:45am sharp, love Elle x" Thankfully, everyone has watched the show enough times to correctly deduce that this means it's makeover time, and they're all very excited. [SO AM I - Helen]

The next day, Elle meets with the other judges at the Daniel Galvin salon (somewhere near Marylebone, so Google tells me) and Julien calls it "make-or-break day". He thinks that after the transformations, they will all look more like professional models. Well, yes, one would hope. The girls arrive, and Elle stumbles over her intro detailing how this salon has styled "some of the most important people in the industry" from Kylie Minogue to Keira Knightley. I know "the industry" is a pretty vague term, but neither of those women are models, at least not as their first career choice. Elle has divided them into groups, and Roxanne, Madeleine and Anne are with Julien; while Tyson has Anita, Emma G, Risikat; Whitney has Letitia, Tasmin and Lisa; and that leaves Elle with Penelope, Jennifer and Kellie.

Whitney tells Lisa that she looks nervous, and then tells her not to be because they're going to make her look like Uma Thurman (or as she says it "Ulma Thurman") in Pulp Fiction, while Letitia is told that her look is going to be "Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley" (what is it with these people and not being able to correctly pronounce celebrities' names?). Letitia is relieved that they're keeping her hair long, while Lisa whimpers that her hair is so important to her and she's never had short hair. Well, chances are you made the mistake of mentioning that to a member of the production team at some point in the application process, so what's coming is entirely your own fault. Sorry. Lisa asks Whitney how much is coming off the bottom of her hair. "A lot," is the answer. Lisa looks nervous again, some more.

Meanwhile, Elle's with Jennifer, saying she wants something inspired by The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, so quite short and a bit of a mohawk. Risikat looks on in abject horror. "Bye bye hair," laughs Jen nervously. Elle promises her that she has a beautiful face and she can handle it. "I trust you," says Jen. FOOL! Julien tells Roxanne that she's getting the most dramatic makeover, while Tyson tells Risikat that he's thinking of Halle Berry. (I should imagine that's probably true whatever the scenario.) Anyway, it takes a couple of seconds for Risikat to realise what this actually means for her hair, and she does a full-on "NOOOO!" and starts crying. Heeee. It's only momentary crying though, and she soon recovers enough to tell her hair that she's going to miss it. Tyson tells her she can always pick up another bag of it. Tyson's kind of a bitch. I love it. Meanwhile, Lisa covers her eyes and holds Whitney's hand as they lop her hair off. Look, I'm a man in my thirties: let it be known that I understand the trauma of losing one's hair. But all the same: GET A GRIP, please. Risikat uses this experience as an excuse to get a hug and a kiss off Tyson. Smart girl. [Risikat is a genius which is rare for this programme - Helen] Lisa is handed her snipped-off ponytail to hold, which just gives her the vapours all over again until she decides to suck it up and come to terms with having short hair. Tyson, clearly bored, starts posing with everyone else's cut-off hair attached to his bonce and his chin. I like this Tyson, I'd like to see more of him please.

Adverts. Everything about The Wedding Video looks utterly horrific.

When we return, Tasmin is feeling excited about her impending makeover. Roxanne interviews that everyone's scared, but that she thinks Lisa is REALLY scared. Nothing gets past ol' Veronica Mars over here, does it? Whitney breaks it to Lisa that they're going to give her a pixie cut, and Lisa is about three seconds away from sheer catatonia at this point. Anne sits down for an interview with what appears to be pink marshallows leaking out of her scalp (and people say models are empty-headed!) to say that Lisa is "fighting back the tears". It's not a particularly illuminating soundbite, but I think the producers were just desperate to use that shot of her because she looks so completely surreal. Not that I blame them. The stylist gets started with snipping away at Lisa's hair for real and Lisa lets a few tears slip out. Whitney keeps reassuring her that "it's going to be okay", and for crying out loud, it is a haircut. You have not just been mowed down by a pantechnicon. If it's a complete disaster, it will grow back. Anyway, it doesn't look too bad - it makes her look like a brunette version of Tuffnuh. Roxanne interviews, helpfully, that Lisa has had "a boy haircut" and that she personally does not like it.

With Risikat's extensions now removed, the judges are cooing over how beautiful her natural hair is, and Elle admits that they may have to rethink their plans now. Risikat is quite pleased about this. Jennifer's dramatic short cut has been completed, and Elle - with, it has to be said, perhaps not the best timing in the world - decides to use this moment to tell Jennifer which is her better side to be viewed from (it's her right, if anyone's wondering). We get another shot of Anne and her marshmallow head as we learn that she's going blonde. As the stylists wash the bleach out, Julien opines that she "looks like a leopard". Back to Risikat, and apparently Elle's gone back to her first plan and still wants to give her a Halle Berry-over. (Elle's clearly caught the mispronunciation bug, saying "Hirley Berry".) Risikat interviews that none of these bitches know what they're doing with her hair, and she's getting frustrated.

Meanwhile, Elle and Kellie's hairdresser are having a disagreement over how short she should go, but Kellie seems fairly philosophical about all this. Elsewhere, Roxanne is having her hair painted orange. "I knew this would happen to me!" she exclaims. "Especially when I've got Julien. I knew it." Hee. Penelope interviews that Jennifer's putting a brave face on because she didn't want to go short or dark, which is exactly what Elle decided to do with her. Jennifer herself pops in mid-dye job to point out that her hair is now diarrhoea colour. She hopes it won't be that colour when they've finished.

The stylists finish with Anita, and she's got sort of a flatter version of The Rachel. Tasmin now has a fringe, but is worried that we can't see her eyebrows any more. Meanwhile, Risikat is crying as her hair gets hacked off. She sobs that she looks "ugly". The stylist finishes with Roxanne, and Julien asks her if she likes it. "I don't know," is her answer in public, but we immediately see her in a confessional crying that "they've made my hair ginger...it's not even red-ginger, it's just orange, like I've got a fucking carrot on my head!" Elle and Whitney admire Lisa's new pixie cut, which actually looks really good, like Erin O'Connor with attitude.

Kellie has been given a short bob cut with an equally short fringe, which she declares "chic". Well, that's one happy customer, at least. Surprisingly (for this show at least), Risikat's promised Halle Berry haircut actually ends up looking quite a lot like Halle Berry, with a bit of Rihanna thrown in. Julien says "she looks like Oprah Winfrey when she had her hair cut short" - I think that's meant to be a compliment, but it's Julien, so really, who knows? Roxanne's hair has gone full Rebekah Brooks/Sideshow Bob at this point, and Julien gets everyone in the salon to cheer about how much they like it. Roxanne still looks unconvinced. Jennifer's new cut is short and asymmetric and makes her look a bit like Pink. She's upset by how short it is, but it kind of suits her. Emma G's hair is kind of the same, but with a bit more of a honey-colouring to it and a bit more bounce.

The team are still trying to salvage Roxanne's hair and I'm beginning to think there really is no hope at this point. She's in tears, and in this case I can understand it because they've made her look absolutely dreadful - it doesn't suit her skin tone, in fact I don't think it would suit anybody's, and it just looks like a cheap home dye-job gone wrong. Elle keeps promising Roxanne that it's "not horrible". Elle is a terrible liar. "It's going to look absolutely...." Elle assures her, never actually finishing that thought. Julien tells her she's going to be the stand-out girl. Yes, standing outside the nearest solicitor's office, hammering on the door. Penelope's hair is a bit longer and a bit blonder, and Madeleine's got a bit of a Naomi Campbell weave going on. Back to Roxanne, and Julien tells her that her hair is just going to "pop" under the camera. I think that is a genuine, literal possibility. Elle says that "it all depends on how you work it", as Kelly Rowland plays in the background as if to underline her point. I think you could work all the hours God sends and still never truly make sense of that hair. Poor, poor Roxanne. Finally, Anne's hair is done - she's got a short peroxide-blonde cut, which is reasonably decent. It's actually been a fairly good set of makeovers this year, which ultimately makes poor Roxanne's fate all the more humiliating.

Back at the house, the girls are getting used to their new hair. Kellie and Tasmin sit together, with Kellie declaring it "Britain And Ireland's Next Top Fringe". BintFringe! Roxanne says she feels like a orangutan. [Ranga! - Helen] Madeleine puts an orange cushion on her head and does a Roxanne impression. Penelope has decided that hers makes her look like a prostitute, which Risikat can't understand at all since it's not that far removed from what she originally had. Amazing stealth-burn there. Penelope says that it makes her look like she's chasing footballers for a living. Tasmin declares that "90%" of the girls are happy. Cut to Jennifer in tears. Cut back to Tasmin and Kellie saying that they like Jen's hair, even if she hates it. Anita, ever-keen to endear herself to me, says that Jennifer has only herself to blame, "coming across like that" with all those piercings and tattoos, so they've given her a haircut to match. God, Anita is the actual worst. Madeleine thinks that the ones who looked ugly before are rocking now, and the one that looked beautiful before now looks like a boy (editing suggests she's talking about Lisa). Roxanne concludes that it has "not been a good day".

The next day, there is Elle Mail read by Emma G - who, I've just realised, is now virtually indistinguishable from Letitia, thanks to the makeovers, which is going to make things quite difficult. "Hello girls, Your makeovers have given you all a model look, but there's still one thing missing. I'm sure today will put a smile on your face, so get your skates on and have a great day. Love Elle x" The girls are then taken to a cosmetic dentist, who tells them that they've all been chosen for their "natural beauty" (conspicuous shot of Roxanne's carrot-juice hair here) and now he's going to enhance that by cleaning up their teeth. So they were chosen for natural beauty, only for it to be thrown out the door a few days later? Sure, that makes sense. The girls take it in turns to sit in his chair (Emma apologises that she "just ate a nut bar", which makes me laugh) and get their smiles whitened. Everything about dentistry terrifies me, but they don't show any of the gruesome bits, though Letitia admits that she had a bit of a problem and had to stop halfway through. Everyone else has really white teeth, while hers are just "averagely-white". Oh no! Averagely-white!

The girls board a bus where champagne is waiting for them, along with legwarmers and colourful tutus. They're deposited at a roller disco, where Letitia observes that everyone's getting on really well right now. "Maybe it's the teeth," she concludes. Hilariously, this leads into Penelope and Risikat complaining about how annoying she's being about her teeth. Roxanne thinks Letitia is too young and immature for this competition. That's a terrifying thought. A man in a tutu, wearing roller skates, drops off an Elle Mail: "Hi girls, I hope you had a great day. Enjoy it while it lasts, because tomorrow you'll be doing time." Back at the house, Lisa and Anne mull over whether this could possibly mean anything other than jail. Penelope thinks they're going to be villains. Emma G is excited that they're going to get to pose alone for the first time, presumably. In a confessional, Kellie thinks it might be a beauty shot with their new sparkly-teeth, at which Letitia (who is also present) has to pipe up that hers are only "half-sparkly". Roxanne interviews that people are getting tired of Letitia acting like a baby.

After the ads, we rejoin the models as they're arriving at a prison, which looks a lot like the one that Dead Boss was filmed in, though I guess there's probably a fairly limited amount of prisons available to hire for entertainment purposes, so if it's the same one it probably shouldn't be a huge surprise. They're greeted by Mollie King from The Saturdays (what, were none of this show's full-time employees available?) who tells them they're going to be incarcerated in Top Model prison to find out who's going to become top dog. I assume this will involve at least some degree of situationally-enforced lesbianism. I hope so, anyway. Mollie hands over to Sarah Salter from Casio Baby G who waffles on a bit about the brand and how their watches are "pretty and tough", so they're perfect for prison, or something. Today's photographer is Joseph Sinclair, who has shot all sorts of famous people, and also The Saturdays.

Risikat's up first, and she's been given a whip to pose with. She seems alarmingly pleased with this development. Things seem to go well on her shoot, with Mollie likening her favourably to Rihanna. Risikat interviews that Mollie said she wanted her body. Wow, girls really do turn to lesbianism very quickly in prison. Sarah likes the shot, but is concerned that Risikat seemed to just forget about the watch in some shots. Lisa is up next, and interviews that it was a fierce, grungy editorial shoot, which is the sort of thing that she loves. After her we have Anita, and Mollie thinks she looks nervous, so Sarah reminds Anita that she needs to look like a tough prison bitch. Anita does an interview with bed-hair and wearing panda pyjamas (cute!) saying that it worries her when people say that, because she's not nervous, so she doesn't know why she looks nervous. Joseph takes some overhead shots of her lying on a bed, which seem to go down well.

After that we have Penelope, who seems a bit lost, but Mollie likes it when her hair falls into her face. Penelope interviews that she wasn't naturally rough-looking, so she's taking that as a compliment. It appears to be a compliment from herself but hey, that still counts, right? Anne's next, and I'm starting to realise just how much the blonde hair makes her look like Ashlee Simpson. She poses behind bars, and gets some good shots. Then we have Letitia (I really did think this was Emma G until Emma G popped up again later - this is a serious makeoversight, if such a word exists) who has legs right up to her armpits, and impresses Sarah with ten different poses that they've not seen from any of the others yet. Tasmin poses on some steps, and Mollie tells her that she and Sarah are having major leg envy. They don't seem to be getting much direction from Mollie and Sarah, it has to be said. Joseph tells Tasmin to go for a Grace Jones effect, so Tasmin produces a hula hoop from nowhere and rolls it around her hips while singing 'Slave To The Rhythm'. Okay, she doesn't, but that would have been awesome, wouldn't it? Looking over the shots, Mollie is concerned that Tasmin has an amazing body but isn't sure how to use it yet.

Backstage, Kellie is getting her make-up done, and the make-up artist notes that her eyes are tearing up. Kellie interviews that sometimes, out of nowhere, you just get a bit caught up in the pressure of things, and while she's not going to give up, this is tougher than she expected. She vows to channel the emotion into the shoot, and Sarah compliments her on looking tough. Mollie decides that she loves Kellie. Afterwards, Kellie cries again, but with happy tears this time. Then there's Madeleine, whose new hair Mollie and Sarah love. Her shoot isn't quite so well-received though, as Sarah expresses concern that Madeleine started strong and then went downhill. Still, they think she might have got it in the first shot.

Voice of Fearne intones that as the day drew on, Sarah was forced to leave as she had a flight to catch. Such is the glamour of being a brand rep, I guess. That leaves Jennifer with just Mollie and Joseph to guide her. Joseph loves Jennifer's eyes, and Mollie thinks the watch is getting good focus in the shots too. Next we have Emma G (the real one this time) posing in leather pants and suspenders and giving it a lot of sex. Mollie loves the shots, and wants to be Emma. Afterwards Emma admits she'll be glad to get some clothes back on, and gives Jennifer a proper eyeful of ass as she walks past. Finally there's Roxanne, whose hair Mollie absolutely loves. They like her posing and her attitude, although sometimes the watch gets forgotten. Roxanne seems buoyed a little by her experience here.

Back at the house, there is Elle Mail, read by Risikat: "Hello girls, You've all had stunning transformations this week, but are you transforming into top models. Tomorrow you will meet with the judges and only 11 of you will remain in the running to become Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model. Love Elle x" There is much sadness at this. New twins Letitia and Emma G declare that this is "not the best time of the week". Lisa says that they feel they've only just got through one elimination, and now there's another one. Madeleine wants Letitia to go because "she's too short, too commercial and she's got really really big knockers". No, but tell us how you really feel, etc. Kellie doesn't think they'll send her home unless Elle hears that she cried on the shoot and thinks she's unprofessional. Roxanne thinks Emma might go, because she's too pretty to be a model - but she doesn't really care who goes, as long as it's not her.

Judgement day at Television Centre! Guest judge for the week is singer and dancer and former Pussycat Doll Kimberly Wyatt. Julien is pleased to have her around, because she is small like him. Voice of Fearne reminds us of our judges, and the girls troop into the elimination room. Elle tells them how great they all look post-makeover, and Voice of Fearne reminds us all what the prizes are. (I seriously will never tire of that shot of the cards on the wall at Models 1, with Tuffnuh and Joy next to each other and Alisha NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.) [I enjoy that bit so much, I watch it three times when it's on - Helen]

Up first for analysis is Madeleine. Julien likes her shot, and Kimberly thinks she's a beautiful girl, but wants her to be able to relax into herself a bit more to let her beauty shine through. Tyson can see confidence and attitude in her shot. Letitia is next, and her shot is pretty awesome. Whitney opines that she looks sexy but in a way that works for Letitia and not in a phwoargh lads-mag sort of way. Julien wants to see her looking a bit different. Dude, she's just had a makeover. Elle tells him to shut up, and asks what Tyson thinks. Tyson is never bored by beauty, and encourages her to keep going with what she's doing.

Mid-judging ad break. Grrr. I will never be okay with these.

 When we return, it's Kellie's turn. Elle asks her a suspiciously loaded question: "how did you find the pressure on your first photo shoot alone?" Kellie cops to having a bit of a cry and needing to work on being confident. Elle tells her there's no point being good on set and falling apart afterwards. She likes Kellie's shot though, and Whitney gives her credit for using what she's going through "as a platform". Okay. Tyson warns her not to hide inside herself and to keep growing. Emma is called forward, and Julien tells her he's worried for her because she's got competition in Letitia, and one of them will go because they look the same. Is this not exactly the sort of situation the makeovers are supposed to avoid, not create? They didn't look like each other before Whitney and Tyson got their hands on them, so perhaps the judges should compare notes before turning up to the salon. Kimberly loves Tasmin's best shot, and even sees a lot of potential in her walk down the catwalk in the judging room. Tasmin tells Kimberly that she's her favourite guest judge, while Alesha Dixon sobs quietly at home.

Next up is Roxanne. Miraculously, her hair actually looks good in the picture. Julien congratulates himself on making her stand out. Tyson asks Roxanne if she likes her hair, and she cautiously replies "it's growing on me". Elle and Tyson point out how amazing it looks in the picture, conveniently ignoring the fact that she had a professional hair and make-up team to make it look like that, and on days like today where she has to sort it out herself, she goes back to looking like Chucky. Elle loves Anne as a blonde, and her best shot gets good notes. Whitney thinks that the eyes really grab the viewer, and Julien likes her newness and freshness. Risikat is next: Julien tells her that last week she was a bit of a bimbo ("oh, thanks," replies Risikat) and now she's strong, aggressive and modern.

Then we have Jennifer, and Elle asks her how the transformation feels. Jennifer answers that it's weird not having her hair, but she's trying to make it work as much as she can. She doesn't sound wholly convinced herself, though. Her picture gets a lukewarm reception - Tyson wants her to be more rocker than she is in the shot. Penelope is called next, and Elle says that she knows Penelope isn't convinced by her new hair because she's worried about looking cheap. She says this with a look of serious dissatisfaction on her face, so I think Penelope is going to need an amazing shot to save her ungrateful ass at this point. Kimberly likes the picture because she thinks it looks effortless, but she's less impressed by Penelope in person because she doesn't feel any confidence from her. Penelope admits that she's been crying all morning because she doesn't want to go home. Kimberly tells her that she needs to present herself with confidence and show everyone that she wants it, and that way she won't go home. Julien says he wants her to win, because she's got a magic about her, but he thinks people will be watching her and shouting "come on!" I'm not sure about that, I basically watched this entire segment and shrugged.

Lisa's next and her shot is declared "fierce" by Elle, but Elle thinks Lisa doesn't like it. Lisa swears that she does, but it's just very different and she's not used to seeing herself like that. Tyson cranks up an anecdote, saying that he's a bad boy and he's spent the odd night behind bars. This causes Whitney to forget where she is and think she's back on The Hills, such is her gawp and incredulous "you have?!" in response. Old habits die hard, I guess. Anyway, Tyson tells Lisa that if he'd walked into his cell and seen her like that, he'd have been scared. Is it very likely he'd have been in the cells with a woman? I've never been arrested (OBVIOUSLY) so I don't know. Lisa cringes at this, but Tyson assures her he means it as a compliment - he likes it, she's giving him Catwoman. Finally we have Anita, and Whitney is concerned with the squinting yet again. Julien tells her there are lots of faults, but she should forget about them because she's hot. Yes, that's very helpful and constructive Julien, thanks for that. Kimberly's all "eat your heart out, Penelope Cruz!", and while I've liked Kimberly in this episode, I think that's going a bit far. She sees a lot of potential in Anita, but isn't sure whether she's mastered it yet.

Time for the judges to deliberate as the girls head into the corridors. Roxanne says the hair is not really her and she can't pretend to be something that she isn't. She may want to rethink the whole "modelling" thing then, because I hear that's a considerable part of the job. Back in the room, the judges evaluate the pictures. Madeleine looks fantastic in the pictures, but can't deliver in the room. Letitia is a threat to everyone else, Kimberly thinks. Kellie's shot is liked, but they think it's more Chicago than Vogue. Whitney thinks Tasmin's picture was one of the weakest, but Tyson thinks it's the best one she's done so far. Elle sings Roxanne's name (please don't do that every week) and Whitney gets herself into my good books by admitting that she hates Roxanne's hair and that it makes her look like a clown. Julien pulls Whitney's hair in response to this. Julien thinks Anne has a peculiar face, but Kimberly thinks that makes her stand out. Then we have Risikat, and Julien thinks she has the best picture of the bunch, while Jennifer's is the worst. Elle ponders that sometimes we don't like the picture, but we love the girl and think she can deliver next week. Tyson loves Penelope's personality, but he doesn't like her as a model. Whitney thinks Lisa's working her new hair and her posing is great, but Kimberly thinks she's trying too hard. Elle and Tyson love Emma's figure. Elle thinks Anita looks like a young Penelope Cruz. I think perhaps, in this one shot, but just barely, and if that particular train of though returns next week I shall be unimpressed.

Time to send someone home! Elle has 12 very beautiful girls before her, but only 11 photographs in her hand. The first girl called out with picture of the week is Roxanne, with the note that they think she can do it, but she has to prove to them that she can. Emma is second, then Letitia, Lisa, Risikat, Anne, Anita, Madeleine, Kellie and Jennifer. Elle warns Jennifer that this is not a great shot, but she's amazing. This leaves Tasmin and Penelope in the bottom two. The judges see improvement in Tasmin, but she still has one of the weakest shots, and Elle is worried that things aren't going to work for her going ahead. Penelope had a great makeover and is close to being a model, but Elle doesn't think Penelope feels like that. So who stays? Tasmin. Penelope gives Elle a hug, and Elle tells her she can go and get her extensions out now. Penelope interviews that it's not so much leaving the contest that's weird, but not being in the house with the others will be strange. Also, she's realised that modelling's kind of stupid and she wants to do something more with her life. Hooray!

Next week: the girls wear weird t-shirts for some schoolchildren, have a timed photoshoot, and somebody's attitude gets called out at panel. Join Helen for the full rundown!

Girl on a wire

Week 3, 23^rd July 2012 – Top 14, I mean 13. Oh whatever.

Hello and welcome to week three of Bitching’s Next Top Model.  Last week you had Steve guide you through the choosing of the final 14. This basically involved the judges being horrible to everyone and pointing out their flaws. The voice of Fearne glosses over this, but chooses to show the “Please don’t gloat” *Gloats* bit instead.  Fearne also tries to convince us that we were invested enough in Millie to give half a hoot that she had to leave the competition for personal reasons. You can’t make me care Fearne. Sorry.

Today we are promised that the girls will be moving into the house and we’re back at the zoo, because that worked so well last year. There’s also Girls on a Wire which will not be as good as the Goldie Hawn film.

Titles! The New!Titles seem to be based on photography contact sheets but the overall effect is “Amsterdam Shop Window”. Oh dear. I’m not going to bore you with my ‘Why do they do the titles before the makeover episode’ rant again, but if you could just all replay it in your heads that would be awesome. [They are at least a step up from those awful titles last year. Little by little, we're getting there. - Steve]

The new Top Model House is very square.  Emma S tells us what a big day it’s going to be. Roxanne says that they were all trying to get the first look as they walked down the drive. Risikat thinks that it’s going to be AMAZING and she’s never stayed in a place so amazing. Lisa thinks it’s a house straight out of the Hollywood hills, but she’s the token bumpkin so she has to say that. Apparently, there’s no posh houses in Ireland. [There has to be at least one. I mean, there's an Apprentice: Ireland, isn't there? Where do the entrepreneurs live? - Steve]

The girls all walk toward the pool and look like they’re going to jump in, because that’s HILARIOUS, but none of them quite have the guts to do it because it looks like this has been filmed in the middle of winter and I can’t really blame them for that. It’s a tense moment until Madeleine <3 spots a giant handbag and screeches “IT’S A GIANT HANDBAG!!1” Everyone goes running over and we see that the giant handbag is a conduit for the Elle Mail.

Anita THE BITCH reads it out in the style of Stacey Solomon.  “Hi Girls! Welcome to your new home. I hope you like it. It’s time to see who are your new roomies. Pick a number from the handbag to find out. Love, Elle”. Following this there is a gripping montage where the girls all pick a number which corresponds to which bedroom they will be sleeping in. That’s three minutes of prime time Sky living right there.

Meanwhile, the goddess Madeleine is still getting the bitch edit without having actually done anything bitchy yet. Jennifer interbitches that she’s the type of roommate that you have to take in small doses.  To illustrate how awful Madeleine is, we see her screaming in the bathroom. To be fair, getting excited about the house is kind of the theme of this segment. Jennifer thinks she’ll have to spend a lot of time with Ann. See, this segment is a usefully non scripted segment that not only illustrates that we should be intolerant of Madeleine, but who’s sharing a room with whom. Thanks Jennifer!

Next up, some more girls scream at some more rooms. We’re not supposed to hate them though so this is ignored. There’s clothes and stuff in the rooms.  Everyone is just a little too excited. Especially Lisa who says it was “like, woah” and Madeleine who is opening drawers and telling everyone to look. Emma S is enjoying having the biggest room.

Risikat is not happy though. She’s frustrated by her bathroom. Madeleine is still happy though, and high fives Jennifer that they have a bath.  Now everyone is sitting round the television. I wonder what could be about to happen? Oh! It’s an Elle Mail which the girls SCREAM AT. Oh, so we’re supposed to hate Madeleine for screaming at a bath but not this? I give up. It reads “Hello Girls. Congratulations you have made it into the Top Model House... I hope you like it! To celebrate I have arranged a cocktail party so you can get to know your roomies a little better... Drinks at 7. Love Elle x”  Anita reads this one out to because the teacher has decided that she has a nice clear voice.

Lisa thinks that it will be nice to kick back. Oh Lisa, you haven’t seen this, have you? Penelope is scraping what she can from this whole experience by hoping that there’s going to be some fit waiters there. That’s more like it. Madeleine puts on her best party dress and tells Ann how she’s going to upstage everyone apart from her.  Yup, you will.

Because I’m psychic and I actually watch the show, I know that the cocktail party is going to be rubbish, and it is because it’s in the house. Emma G weakly interviews how great it is with the eyes of a hostage. The girls all clamour at the Cocktail Man because they’re starved of fun and they ask him to teach them how to do it. He gives them a look which suggests that he thinks that would be a waste of his time. He lets Emma G touch one of his bottles but that’s about it.

Penelope and Emma S have a good old chinwag in the “confessional room” about how being in the house makes them appreciate men. Penelope suggests that Anita should chat up the cocktail man whilst everyone else looks disinterested in nibbles. Roxanne tells the cocktail man he is smooth whilst another cocktail man appears from nowhere.  Fuelled by Penelope and booze, Anita then comes up with this little gem – “WHAT’S YOUR SHIRT MADE OUT OF IS IT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL AHAHAHAHA”. Roxanne and Madeleine openly laugh in her face.  Anne then interviews that the cocktailmen were hilarious and Anita was to. Cut to Anita leering at the cocktail men that she’s the only single one in the house (really?)  and the others want to couple her up. She honestly to goodness asks one of them if he fell from heaven then drunkenly interviews that they’re clearly playing hard to get.  Emma S and Penelope burp in the confessional room.

Net up we get a rather dull interview from Emma G about how everyone has let their hair down. Thanks Emma G! NEXT! Oh, hello Tamsin. You’re telling us about how GENUINE TOP MODEL WINNER JADE NO TAKEBACKS walked in when you were all pissed. Emma G pretends to be impressed.

Jade has presents for them all and just wants to wish them all good luck and tells them all not to be nervous because they can’t be as bad as her. She honestly says this. What a rare moment of self awareness.  Roxanne asks if it gets harder every week and Jade answers  a different question and says that she got upset sometimes. SPOKESMODEL. She wants them all to believe in themselves. She later goes to the confessional room and does some ‘fun’ stuff with Madeleine, Kellie, Penelope and Roxanne.  Roxanne pretends to be impressed. Madeleine puts an arm around Jade which Jade looks to be ‘enjoying’. Roxanne thinks that she could come and live in the house but not be in the competition as she’d only win again. Oh Roxanne, she’s won once, they won’t have to do that again. [No way in hell would Jade win an all-star series. She barely won the series she was in. - Steve]

Emma S tells us that after the party was over and everyone put their pyjamas on, they all sat round the television just in case an Elle mail popped up, and it did! “Hello girls. I hope you’re having fun in your new home. Enjoy tonight as the hard work starts early tomorrow... you’ll be taking a WALK on the WILD side, as you become one step closer to becoming Britain & Ireland’s Next Top Model. Love Elle x”. Ooh, the old ‘get them pissed and get them up in the morning’ tack. One of my favourites.  Emma S wants to know exactly how early early is. It’s five am bitches. Deal with it.

Adverts. Nobody asked me if I wanted Katy B to sing my Olympic Coke advert song.

So, we find out that WILD means Chessington world of Adventures.  Jennifer tells us what we are about to see, which is a buggy arriving like we’re on Jurassic Park or something. There’s a man with a megaphone on the buggy. I don’t know who he is. He introduces himself as Matt Henry, the catwalk coach for models one. IT’S THE SHIT BRITISH MISS JAY EVERYONE! REJOICE! He tells them that to be a top model they need a fierce signature walk. He’s going to give them the tools to give them just that. He would like them to put some heels on and meet him in five.  This is met with applause. APPLAUSE!

Risikat is mildly confused that the Shit Miss Jay is wearing pink stilettos. 1. They’re not stilettos and 2. For someone that’s tried to get on this for four years you don’t seem to know what a runway coach is. It’s a man in a pair of heels that tells women how they should walk. I expected better, Risikat. The catwalk is basically a rug running through the small animals enclosure. What Shit Miss Jay wants first is a high energy walk that leads from the hips. The girls are actually pumping up for this. Madeleine’s walk is FEEEEASS. Emma G’s makes me want to laugh until it stops. She interviews that it’s harder than it looks. No lovely, you make it look harder than it looks.

Jennifer’s walk is ok. Madeleine takes great joy in telling us that it’s terrible.  Roxanne and Tasmin don’t even get to walk by themselves, so nondescript are their walks. Tasmin interviews that “walking is hard”. Maybe for some. Rubbish Miss Jay is not happy with her either. He gets so ‘vex’ that he TAKES HIS COAT OFF.  Jennifer thinks that a lot of things don’t make sense about this little segment. I applaud her detective skills. Rubbish Miss Jay does a LOLARIOUS impression of them sticking their bums out. Madeleine bitchterviews that she thought Anne was going to be good at walking because she’s done modelling before but this cuts to Rubbish Miss Jay telling her that she’s rubbish.  Anne interviews that it’s weird that Rubbish Miss Jay thinks she’s rubbish because she’s done catwalk before and has also had two catwalk training sessions.  I think she may be suggesting that Rubbish Miss Jay is picking holes in everyone for televisual purposes. I could be wrong.  Jennifer finally pleases him.

Emma G interviews that SURPRISE! That wasn’t the actual challenge. Rubbish Miss Jay tells us that the catwalk isn’t a one woman show, and that some (really) designers like you to walk with fluffy and/or scaly friends. I’m not claiming to be some kind of fashion expert, but has anyone ever seen a model walking or posing with an animal outside of the Top Model universe? Answers on a postcard please.  Everyone makes faces. Rubbish Miss Jay has pictures of animals in envelopes that he’s giving out. Tasmin’s got a parrot. Roxanne’s got a chicken. She interviews that she’s UNHAPPY about this. Lisa makes the mistake of telling the production team that she doesn’t like snakes so she gets a snake. Kellie gets a ferret. Penelope is happy to get a Meerkat which is what Anita was hoping to get, but she gets a skunk because she’s a skank. Jennifer is happy to get a rat because she’s LOLKOOKY. Letitia isn’t happy to get a snake, Emma S gets a ferret, Anne gets a skunk and Madeleine gets a Meerkat.  Madeleine interviews that she didn’t know a Meerkat was an actual animal. OH MADELEINE, IT WAS GOING SO WELL. Anita interviews that she doesn’t deserve a Meerkat if she doesn’t know what they are.  TV highlight of the weeeeek.

First up, the snake girls, Lisa and Letitia. Lisa interviews that she nearly died when the snake came out of the bag. Emma G interviews that Lisa froze when the snake landed on her because she’s got a phobia or something. Lisa interviews that she had to pretend that it was a scarf in order to cope. She’s helped in coping with the situation by having Rubbish Miss Jay shout USE THE SNAKE at her. Fair play to the girl though, she did it. Even Madeleine was mildly impressed. Next up is Letitia. She’s fair. Kellie and Emma walk with some ferrets held out in front of them. It’s bizarre but not as bizarre as Jennifer with a rat or Madeleine and Penelope clutching Meerkats to their chests. Anita looks terrified of the skunk and runs up the catwalk like it’s actually Pepe Le Pew and she’s a kitten who’s had a mishap with some white paint. Anne interviews that she wasn’t worried about the skunk, just fixing her broken down walk, which she seems to vaguely manage.

Next up, Risikat interviews that she was going to use the chicken as a handbag, but had underestimated the size of the chicken. It’s certainly the biggest chicken Emma G’s ever seen. Roxanne claims the chicken was turkey sized. It is a big chicken.  Emma S’s one is tiny though. Rubbish Miss Jay reminds them to make their chickens look sexy. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Roxanne’s chicken is ENORMOUS and she quite rightly claims that carrying it is a two handed job. Emma G thinks that it’s hilarious but admits she did a good job. Rubbish Miss Jay tells her to work the chicken. This chicken didn’t escape the battery farm to be worked by a sixth week out contestant on this programme, Rubbish Miss Jay. Emma S interviews that although her chicken was tiny in comparison to Roxanne’s, it began to flap. She handled the flapping like a professional though. A professional BIG GIRLS BLOUSE. She lets go and loses the chicken.

Risikat then interview that she loved the parrot and it was beautiful. Tasmin doesn’t have as much luck as the parrot clearly doesn’t like her. Rubbish Miss Jay claims that it’s all about the confidence and berates her walk as the parrot flies away. He tells her that it’s ‘not great’. No shit. She sits down and says that she’s not going to cry. Roxanne tells her to “channel it” and I’m suddenly filled with an urge to punch Roxanne in the tit.

RESULTS TIME! Awesomely, we have a bottom of the class award. This goes to Tamsin. Rubbish Miss Jay apologises but tells her in the most patronising tone EVAR to ‘keep trying’. However, there can only be one winner and that’s Risikat. She wipes away a pretend tear then gloaterviews that he didn’t criticise her once all day and he loves her walk and it’s PURE PERFECTION.

Back at the house, the bitching has begun, surprisingly, with Anita. She’s sad with Emma S, Penelope and Kellie saying that when she walked in she didn’t peg Risikat as competition. This is also the girl who though it would be a good idea to mess with Madeleine so I wouldn’t listen to a word she says.  Emma S wants to know why nobody thinks she’s competition. It’s because you’re filler, love. Penelope, bless her, answers this question in a non facetious manner by saying that if she only had a bit of confidence they would all be quaking in their boots but she doesn’t so they’re not. Tasmin, who now only has indeterminate origins now also has an indeterminate accent is upset that she came bottom of the walking but will now try really hard not to go home.

Everyone is now sat round the telly in their pyjamas so it must be time for another Elle Mail. “Hello girls. Being a Top Model has its ups and downs. Your next photoshoot will be no different. Hair and makeup will arrive in the house early in the morning, make sure you are ready. Love, Elle x”. Now comes my favourite bit, the bit where they all guess WHAT IT COULD ALL POSSIBLY MEAN. Guesses include “Bungee jumping” and “trampoline in the garden”. Oh, Britain’s Next Top Dumb Model Stereotype reinforcer. You don’t disappoint.

It’s now the morning by the magic of television! There’s a hair and makeup montage in which everyone is still wondering what the HECK it could all mean. Risikat tells us conspiratorially that Anita thinks it’s a lift. Bless. Tasmin is feeling positive and she’s hoping to keep this up and do well.

At the studio they’re met by an actual person who is actually called Bip Ling. Apparently she’s a fashion blogger. Anyone? No?  Ok. Bip Ling has one of those voices that women use to come across as less intelligent than they are. She tells the girls that they are about to literally go to new heights of fashion. She introduces them to the Client. Her name is Jodie Fox and she’s the co founder of Shoes OF PREY. Oh Shoes OF PREY! OF COURSE.  They make unique, bold and beautiful customer designed shoes and the company is going to turn the girls into beautiful butterflies in as much as they will be floating in the air, just like Bip is about to be. They demonstrate this by hoisting her into the air. They will be posing in pairs and as the challenge winner, Risikat will be posing alone. This does not please Madeleine. Jodie wishes them luck as they head off to get their clothes on.

Today’s Fit Photographer (TM) is called John. He’s fit in a kind of baldy way. It’s Anne and Madeleine first. Anne is worried that her face might be pained. Madeleine interviews that she couldn’t move. Bip uses the word deffo un-ironically whilst everyone backstage goes on about how great Anne is. Bored.

After the adverts someone pretends to faint. YAWN.

We’re back!  There’s some gratuitous advertising for the company that run the studio and we’re already on to Letitia who loves being in the air. She’s with Tasmin who according to Bip has gorgeous legs. Tasmin now has a Trinidad accent as she interviews how she can’t make any mistakes. Anita THE BITCH does nothing to change my mind about her by bitching about how Letitia always (we have two weeks to go on here) gets the best make up and dresses. Risikat who is now my new hero suggests that perhaps it looks better because it’s on her face, leaving the ‘And not on yours’ implied. Beautiful. Because Anita is as good at being clever as she is at being nice, she thinks that this is a genuine suggestion.  Tasmin hopes she gets a good shot but is aware that it might not be meant to be.

Next up is Jennifer and Penelope. Jennifer interviews about how much the hoist hurt her legs. Oh Jennifer, you never bitch. If it hurts, it’s your fault.  Penelope interviews that it was going really well and the client came over to ask them a question and Jennifer’s face went a funny colour. Jennifer said that she felt sick and light headed and didn’t know whether to puke or pass out. We see this situation play out in front of our eyes, including Jodie propping Jennifer up in an act of heroism.

Over with the others, Risikat is enjoying the whole thing far too much and Penelope is worried if Jennifer doesn’t pull herself together she won’t get her shot. YAY SISTERHOOD! Penelope helps the situation by telling Jennifer that she got a moustache of sweat. Jennifer apologises to Jodie and the girls all rubberneck but only Anita claims to feel bad about it.  Jodie, Bip and the Fit Photographer all talk about how worried they were before Jennifer pulled it out of the bag.

I think that I’m going to have to digress a moment here. I know that sometimes you have to go back and film little bits of shows where you didn’t get the angle but this whole thing just feels really fake.  The shots were all good, and that little bit with them all sat around the monitor talking about Jennifer ‘pulling it out the bag’ was just a bit staged for me. [And the fact that everyone was SO SUPPORTIVE seemed awfully convenient. - Steve] But anyway.

Kellie and Emma G look amazing. Bip agrees and thinks they are winners. Roxanne and Emma S are “cute” apparently. They hug and the photographer loves it. Roxanne confesses that they grabbed hold of each other because they were scared. Emma S is asked if she feels confident. She doesn’t know. You haven’t been paying attention to the coven, Emma S! Anita’s turn. She’s really nervous because everyone’s been good so far. She’s on with Lisa and they’re described by Jodie as being a bit ‘rabbit in the headlights’. I have nothing to add to that as its fair and accurate. They improve by the end and Bip thinks they’re like fairies.

Next up its Risikat. Everyone is bitching that they didn’t get a photo on their own.  I wouldn’t worry too much. She appears to be doing all pron poses. Bip thinks she’s gorgeous. I bet Bip is a guest judge. That’s just my luck.

Everyone arrives back in the house to an Elle mail. It’s the one about blah blah elimination. I won’t bore you with it again. The girls look shocked at the news. I told you they weren’t bright. Jennifer and Letitia pretend that they don’t know who they want to leave. Anita pretends too. Roxanne sits in the confessional and says she doesn’t care if someone goes <3. Emma S isn’t sure if she’s doing modelling right. Bless.  Tasmin is worried that she’s in the worst position so she’s going to stay awake all night and stress.

We’re reintroduced to the judges.  There’s a lot of Tyson’s face and they’re STILL trying to convince me that Whitney is a fashion icon. Julien does the best fake headtoss and laugh to camera I have ever seen and Elle is still unbelievably MEH. But hang on, the guest judge isn’t professional Helen annoyer Bip, it’s ALESHA RUDDY DIXON who claims to be a big Bintmodel fan. If you’re reading Alesha, we love you too.

Elle welcomes the girls to the elimination room. Elle reminds us that thirteen minus one is twelve. Prizes! Elle reminds them what they’ve just done and it’s time to see their pictures.

Anita and Lisa first. Lisa has clearly done better than Anita. Tyson complains that she lost the shoes and Whitney says that it’s obvious that Lisa was in front because she ‘got the wind in a better way’. Emma G and Kellie next. Kellie appears to be begging Emma not to leave her. Julien thinks that there’s no doubt Emma G is a sexbomb but she needs to use her beauty more. Alesha likes that Kellie did something different but she didn’t do it right and Tyson just says that she showed the shoes off well. Buuurn.

Adverts! Grr! I thought we made our feelings on mid-judging breaks clear. [Dammit! They were doing so well, too. - Steve]

We return for Roxanne and Emma S’ shot. Elle tells off Emma for hiding the shoes. Alesha loves the top half of the photo, which is the twee half. I have to transcribe Julien's bit because it can’t be summarised.

“Emmaress you know you have to be much more stronger much more confident you’re just floating in the air but with no atmosphere and no fun of the girl next girl to you she is the Roxy chick of the picture”

Anyone? Bueller?

Elle moves swiftly on to Penelope and Jennifer.  Elle wants to know what happened to make Jennifer dizzy. Jennifer thinks she went too far forward then too far back. Elle thinks it’s unusual that the water in Jennifer’s cochlear moved around too much thus confusing her centre of gravity which was  compromised anyway what  with her not having her feet on the ground because she’s got a tough exterior and people with tough exteriors don’t have normal physiological reactions and calls her a wimp. FUCK OFF ELLE.

Their shot is amazing though. The only thing that ruins it are the shit shoes.  Elle admires Jennifer’s face and persona but she doesn’t do it in the picture. Whitney likes Penelope’s arm. Anne and Madeleine fare a bit better. Tyson wishes that Madeleine was in the front more and Alesha thinks that Anne nailed it because if she opened a magazine she’d be drawn to her. Letitia and Tasmin next. Tyson refers to Letitia as “she” as in “she looks short” but thinks that it might be because Tasmin is tall. Letitia tries to laugh this off. Whitney calls Tasmin’s pose ‘nice’ and tells her not to lift her chin up too much.

Finally Risikat. She walks in like she OWNS THE ROOM.  They’ve managed to pick a non suggestive photo for her. Whitney thinks that she could straighten her arm a bit. Alesha thinks its ‘halfway there’ and that the (ugly) shoes look amazing. Julien thinks she needs to be expensive but she looks cheap. Risikat tries to appeal to Julien but he doesn’t care.

Elle and the judges go off to deliberate. Anita is feeling the burn. Emma S is sad that they didn’t encourage her more. Letitia thinks that she looks normal and Tasmin says that everyone is short next to her.

Judging! Anita and Lisa first. Whitney thinks that Anita needs to work on her face and Lisa is strong. Julien agrees but thinks Anita is lost in the wind like a snowman (?!?!).  Jennifer and Penelope next. Elle acknowledges that Penelope isn’t one of ‘Tyse’s favourites and he says that he doesn’t think they should waste any more time on her but Whitney thinks her pose is one of the strongest. Alesha thinks Jennifer has more potential and she has a good vibe and look. Emma G and Kellie are both keepers to Tyson but Julien thinks that Emma looks like she’s carrying Kellie on her back. Everyone pretends that this is a real insight that a judge gets paid for. Whitney starts her next sentence with “yes but”. It’s yes, but there’s a vast improvement.

Next up to the block are Roxanne and Emma S. Whitney doesn’t think that Emma S has what it takes and Julien thinks the only model in the picture is Roxanne.  Anne threw it out the park but Elle thinks the jury is out on Madeleine. The jury is also out for Tasmin because her pose is awful and she’s been consistently ‘not good’. That’s a good a reason as any. Julien wonders if Letitia is just a page three girl. Alesha thinks that Risikat needs to reprogramme her brain about being sexy. Elle makes a wise face as Julien says that Risikat needs to be chic and not cheap. You’ve been working on that Julien, I can tell.

So, who’s through? Anne! She’s getting pic of the week. She’s followed by Lisa, Roxanne, Letitia, Anita, Emma G, Risikat (or pussy cat apparently lol), Madeleine (by the skin of her teeth) ,  Jennifer is safe FOR TONIGHT  and Penelope is the last called.  Cue lots of backstage crowing.

Tasmin and Emma S are in the bottom two. Blah beautiful girls. Blah potential. One of them will go further than the other and the one with more potential is Tasmin. By Emma S! You made a vague impression on me and I have to forget you just as I’ve learned which one you are.

She’s frustrated and disappointed with herself for not doing as well as she thought she would. She thinks it’s harder because she got in the house then had to leave and she’s achieved nothing. YUP.

NEXT WEEK MAKEOVERS!!!11 <3 <3 <3 My favourite. Join Steve to see how they pan out...

Arabian fights

Top 17: 16th July 2012

BintModel is back, the Voice of Fearne reminds us. This is in case any of us had better things to do last Monday at 9pm like, for example, watching Revenge. REVEEEEEENGE! This timeslot clash is going to cause trouble for me because I would far rather watch Revenge live given the choice, but I sort of feel a responsibility towards this show the same way one feels an obligation towards a drunken friend on a nightbus at 2am. I'm not happy about it, but I made a deal many years ago that I can't renege on just because I'd rather be doing something else.

Anyway, we began last week with 20 girls in Dubai; two of them decided that the life of an international jetsetter was not for them and walked before the first elimination, while poor Danielle got eliminated at breakfast because Elle couldn't see a future for her. There are only 14 places in the BintModel house, so we need to ditch another three by the end of tonight's episode. Even though they're dragging out the qualifying rounds over two weeks, I still vastly prefer this approach to last year's godawful endless auditions. At least the show seems to be setting a pace here, however falteringly. Fearne reminds us of what happened in last week's episode, but you don't need Fearne when you have Helen, so pop over and read her recap of events if you need to catch up. Don't worry, I'll wait; just remember to come back here when you're finished.

All done? Jolly good. Let's continue.

This week, we're still in Dubai, and there appears to be some sort of swimsuit-off as the girls meet all the judges properly for the first time. On first impressions this feels rather more Miss World than BintModel, but I'll reserve judgement until we get there. They'll also be joining Elle and Mad Uncle Julien for a photoshoot, where there will be further cross words fired amongst the hopefuls.

We pick up in the wake of Danielle's exit, where Diona says that it really feels like a competition now that someone's been sent home who watches it as much as she does, a sentiment that's echoed by Lisa [I love how 'Watching this shit' has become a reason that you should be on the show. I should be on this then. If only for Julien's utter shitfit - Helen] . Apparently that whole part earlier in the proceedings where they were being paraded around, photographed and openly judged just felt like a regular Thursday for Diona and Lisa. Risikat (I'm with Helen on this: Best Name Ever), on the other hand, thinks there's no time to sit around feeling bad about poor, unmodelly Danielle, because bitches are going to be cut again and again and again until only one of them is left standing. "And her name will be Risikat" hangs unspoken in the air.

Since the girls are at some sort of aquarium-restaurant (hey, it's Dubai after all), the editors go mad inserting shots of circling sharks until we all get the metaphor until a diver arrives with a board that holds a message for the contestants: "Hi girls, it's time for the judges to get to know the real you. Bikinis on and meet us by the pool in one hour. Love Elle x" Everyone squeals with excitement, because objectification is awesome!

Fearne reminds us who the judges are this year to fill some time while everyone gets changed, and then informs us that this is the only chance the girls will get to spend time with all four judges (this side of their first proper elimination ceremony, anyway), so it's important to make an impression and stand out. Anita is up first, and Elle clucks that she looks nervous, then says that the others have told her Anita was a disaster at the shoot yesterday. Well, that might be why, mightn't it? Anita admits that she fucked up and spent the whole time squinting - she attempts to demonstrate for the judges, but she's so useless that she can't even get that right, and Tyson has to show her exactly how stupid she looked. Whitney says that she only had 15 minutes to do the shoot, but each minute was a disaster, which is a sentence that ought to mean something, but kind of doesn't [She doesn't say anything Steve. She just makes noises. I don't get it. - Helen]. Julien advises Anita to aim more for fashion and less for page three, because nobody wants to be a glamour model if they can be a fashion model. Except fashion models so rarely get asked for their opinions on the deficit crisis while posing in a bikini and coated in lard, so perhaps glamour modelling is the thinking woman's career choice [*Like* - Helen]. Anita gives him a nervous thumbs-up, and I think the main impression Anita created her was "neurotic mess". I wouldn't have minded her calling out Madeleine quite as much as she did last week if she'd had anything to back it up, but so far I'm thinking all Anita has to contribute to the show is stank. And not even particularly high quality stank at that. Anyway, Anita hopes she doesn't come across too glamour-modelly, because that's not her at all.

Up next is Roxanne, and Elle wants to know more about Roxanne's daughter and whether being the mum of a two-year-old is going to be difficult in this competition. Roxanne says that she's trying to channel that as a strength, and insists that she's not walking away. Tyson says that he loves that attitude, and the others quickly back him up - presumably since they've lost two models to the quitting disease already and are worried it might be contagious. Roxanne's walk needs work because she keeps looking down, so Tyson gets up and shows her how it's done, holding her hand to guide her through it. I have a lot of fun here imagining how Helen would cope in this scenario; I'm guessing she'd be pretty much an Alex Mack-style pool of goo on the floor by now [*Sigh*. He's so pretty - Helen]. Roxanne goes off to brag to the others about her close encounter of the Tyson kind, vowing never to wash her hand again.

Tasmin is next, and is thrilled when Elle tells her she has a great body. Julien isn't sure whether her swimsuit makes her look like a top model or a pole dancer (I don't see why she can't be both if she wants to; this is the 21st century after all) but he thinks she looks very sexy anyway. Then we have Lisa, who just causes the judges to squawk "good walk! good walk!" over and over again like myna birds. Following her is Risikat, who Elle thinks looks pleased to be here, but Risikat kind of ruins it by saying how nervous she is, because this is her fourth year of applying and she's been trying to do this since she was 18. And really, four years of being deemed inferior to the likes of Kimberleigh, Imogen and Delete Her really would take a toll on ones self-esteem. Julien tells her that it's her time to shine, and that she could almost be his girlfriend. I don't know about you guys, but I'm taking that comment to mean "you look mannish". Everyone crows about how Julien's got a favourite already, but let's remember how that worked out for Jessica last year. Julien declares it's nice to see someone who's gorgeous, glamorous and sexy. Whitney, Elle and Tyson all laugh, but are clearly thinking "what about us, bitch?" Anyway, that cures Risikat's nerves. Hooray!

Next we have Diona, who gets a grilling from Elle over whether she wants to be an actress or a model. Diona says, not wholly convincingly, that she definitely wants to be a model, and there's a finite window of opportunity for that and if she's not careful the ship might sail. Elle retorts that the ship might sail anyway. Whitney says that she hasn't seen Diona act, but based on the past two days, she thinks she might be better suited for acting. OUCH. Diona replays these exchanges for the other girls, who all recoil in horror. Also getting a tough time of things is Penelope, who Julien thinks doesn't look like a model. Penelope stammers that they're not all models yet and that's why they're here, which Elle and Tyson concede is a good answer, while Julien responds that there's only so much he can do: "I'm not the Wizard of Oz." That's a shame: if he was, he could have given Grace a brain, or Charley a personality, or Whitney a point to her existence. Penelope says she doesn't need the Wizard of Oz, just some direction. Afterwards, she and Diona bond over their shared sense of impending doom.

Jennifer is next, and talks about her love of tattoos, including a very special one dedicated to her mother who died of breast cancer. I'm not a fan of tattoos, but I'm also not going anywhere near the idea of cancer deaths as a mine for laughs, so let's move on. Elle asks if all the tattoos and piercings are a deliberate attempt to make herself stand out (duh), and Jennifer says she doesn't want to fade into the background. Julien says that models sell an aspiration of beauty and perfection when they pose in a designer's clothes, and he doesn't get that from Jennifer, although Elle and Tyson don't agree. Whitney kind of has nothing to say apart from asking Tyson about whether his tattoos get airbrushed (which they do), but Elle points out that Tyson is a superstar, so it's not a like-for-like comparison.

Then there's Madeleine, whom I don't love quite as much as Helen does, but I enjoy her being on this show just because it reminds me of Victoria Wood's "modelling, Madeleine?" routine. Tyson reminds Madeleine that he's mad at her, and Madeleine, hilariously, can't remember why at first. Interestingly, the flashback the show uses to demonstrate "Madeleine talking back to the photographer" doesn't actually show her saying anything, and once again the line on this show between "asking questions to ensure you're doing what they want you to do" and "answering back and being sassy" is far too blurred [It's wherever the producers want it to be it seems - Helen]. Personally I think Madeleine was guilty of nothing more than naive overenthusiasm, but hey, I wasn't there. Julien asks her the very loaded question of what the other girls might think of her, and Madeleine says they probably find her intimidating, because she puts on a mean, guarded face - although she doesn't do so on purpose. Still, "I can't control what my face does" is probably not the best line of defence on a modelling show.

Emma S is next, and is nervous. Elle says that she needs to show them she has what it takes to become BintModel and she's not seeing it right now, so "get there". Imagine if doctors worked like that: "I need you to show me what a person who does not have a life-threatening heart condition looks like, but I'm not seeing it right now, so get there." Julien doesn't see a model in front of him, and hopes she can prove him wrong. Emma S goes off for a bit of a cry with the other girls, which leads to the following incredibly apt summary of the roles of the judges on this show.

Emma S: Julien said I didn't look like a model.
The Others: (dismissively) Yeah, but: Julien.
Emma S: Elle said it as well.
The Others: Oh.

The search continues with a group of girls who are marked out by their inability to make an impression, if that makes sense. Elle has no recollection of Kellie from the first day (actually, neither have I) - Kellie's excuse is that she's an Irish country bumpkin who has never seen car parks or aeroplanes or other girls before. After her is Louisa, who works as a stylist and gets praised on her fashionable look by Whitney. Asked where modelling fits in to her styling work, Louisa replies that she's interested in fashion, and wanted to see how far she could go as a model. "So it's not your passion?" confirms Whitney. Uh-oh. After Louisa leaves, Whitney shoots her down for being "so boring", and if Whitney Port finds you boring, you have serious problems. Emma G follows, and says that she's shy until she gets to know people. Elle tells her that the industry isn't just about your look but also your personality. Julien worries that she could blend into the background, so he needs her to "snap, crackle and pop". After her is Amelia, who is sporty and loves animals, but Elle hopes that "your features will be stronger than your personality". Whitney points out that the girls are all so nervous they're actively twitching. Nah, they're probably just getting a head start on that coke habit they'll need to develop if they want to make it in the fashion world.

From there, we move on to the girls who did stand out, for better or worse. Letitia has great norks, much to Julien's delight. She's a 32DD, and "sometimes you just can't hide 'em," nods Whitney sagely. Letitia rejoins the others, and Kellie delivers the line that made me laugh so much I was, probably for the first time, glad we decided to recap this series after all: "I've actually never seen a body like that up close in person. We're all, like, ogling her like a pack of lesbians." At least, I think she says "lesbians" - she gets as far as "les" and starts giggling, but I can't imagine where else she would've been going with it. Either way, Kellie is my new favourite [I love that we're getting some actual personalities this year. Not forced Big Brother style personalities. *cough* Alisha *cough* - Helen] . Anna's walk is criticised ("you look like you're walking to the office," sniffs Tyson), so Tyson undoes his shirt in the hope that it will help her to walk more sexily. It does. Man, Tyson's pheromones must be powerful. They need to bottle that shit and sell it. Flapper-girl Anne is the only girl who didn't look down to hit the mark, which Tyson thinks is a very good sign. Julien thinks she's odd - she has a small head, a massive nose and chunky thighs - but that makes her interesting. The judges dismiss themselves with an impromptu rendition of 'Hit The Road Jack'. Bless.

The girls return to their quarters and find Elle-Mail waiting for them: "Hi ladies, tomorrow will be your final chance to prove to the judges that you deserve a place in the Top Model house. We don't want you to get the hump, so make sure you're ready at 9am. I'll see you there, love Elle x" At the very mention of hump, Diona squeals "camels!" and everyone gets very excited. This lot clearly don't watch enough reality TV - any seasoned viewer of The Amazing Race will tell you that camels are about the most uncooperative animals out there. Anita says to Jennifer: "There's nothing else that's got humps, is there? It's just camels. They're not going to bring camels inside, so I'm going to be outside in the sun - what if I start squinting again?" Alarmingly, that all sort of makes sense. Diona, perhaps regretting her earlier excitement, tells some of the others that camels "stink". Emma S is excited about getting direction from a genuine supermodel.

Unfortunately, the next day Dubai is hit by a freak sandstorm, so there will be no camels and no sunshine. Good news for Anita and Diona, bad news for the production team. The girls look out at the weather glumly: "I may as well be back in Ireland," opines Kellie. Nonetheless, the shoot must go on, so the girls are transplanted to an indoor location for hair and make-up. There are gratuitous close-ups of Revlon cosmetics, so now we know why that Product Placement P was there at the top of the show. Emma G wants to prove to Elle that she can be memorable, and Amelia forecasts that this is their last chance to impress the judges before the next elimination.

The first group consists of Anna, Madeleine and Letitia dressed in colourful Arabian clothes, who go out to meet Elle and Julien. Elle tells them that she wants them to treat it like a shot for Harper's Bazaar or Vogue (what, not Company?) and work on getting a great picture together. It seems to be going well - there is constructive criticism from Elle and Julien during the shoot which is quite refreshing, especially in contrast to Tyson and Whitney's efforts last week. Letitia is praised for her bone structure and long neck. Elle tells them they're all doing really well, and Anna says they're "setting the bar high, that's what we want." I like Anna. Elle calls it a wrap, and tells them how well they worked together as a group - but warns them not to gloat in front of the others. Spoilsport. They troop back in and Anna exclaims to the others that it went really well, and Madeleine reminds her that Elle said not to gloat. Anna's all "how am I gloating? Don't tell me not to tell them the truth!" Heh.

Group 2 is Amelia, Roxanne, Emma G and Emma S. They have a bit more trouble, with Elle advising Roxanne not to get lost and warning Emma S that her feet are making her look all warped. "Like a preying mantis?" asks Emma S, and Elle agrees. Amelia is advised to close her mouth, and Emma G gets as far as "because the dress is so floaty..." before Elle cuts her off to say that if they're not saying anything, it's because you're doing it right. Heh. Things improve after that, it seems. Julien liked Emma G in particular. Emma S is not convinced she got a good shot.

After the ads, we're up to Group 3, which is Jennifer, Anita, Tasmin and Anne. Julien likes Jennifer better now he can't see her tattoos. Anita just about manages not to squint. Elle tells them they all did great, but after the girls leave, Julien points out that none of them were spectacular either, and wonders if the clothes were doing all the work. Group 4 is Louisa, Lisa and Diona. Louisa is warned not to look too much like Barbie, and Elle starts criticising the photographer's direction. After a while, Mad Uncle Julien gets bored and throws himself into the pictures. Outside, the Group 4 girls are all agreed that they have absolutely no idea how it went, and don't know if that's a good or a bad sign. Back on set, Elle thinks that group aren't strong beauties individually, and Julien thinks there's "not much left" beneath the make-up and the hair.

Finally we have Risikat, Kellie and Penelope. Julien tells them they've got the worst outfits of any of the girls (he's not wrong) so they'll have to work that much harder to get a good picture. The photographer begins, and Julien thinks the outfit is making Risikat look "huge", so he and Elle encourage her to bare her legs. I imagine that's not normally an option that's available to an Arabian bride, but sure, why not? There's better news for Kellie, whose kaftan turns out to be quite photogenic, and Penelope, who has great legs. Elle thinks that despite Penelope not being as naturally pretty as the others, she really worked the shoot. The girls fret about the upcoming elimination.

Later, in the models' quarters, Elle-Mail arrives on a platter. Letitia reads it: "Hi ladies, it's now time for the judges to deliberate which 14 girls will continue in their dream to become Britain And Ireland's Next Top Model. The Top Model house is ready - are you?" The girls gasp at the mention of 14, because they are relatively clever by model standards and have worked out that means three of them are going home.

The next day, everyone is preoccupied with the impending elimination. Anna says she's had a fun few days in Dubai, but she wants to know if she's in now. Diona says that she just wants to get into the house: "that's the biggest achievement, it doesn't matter when you go." I feel sad for anyone who has "get as far as the Top 14 on BintModel" as an actual life goal. Risikat and Letitia talk about how they don't want it to end. Emma S still thinks she's going, and Roxanne pulls out the "I've left my whole life behind" card. Anne says this is a massive opportunity, and Penelope just wants to know if she's going home so she doesn't get her hopes up.

Meanwhile, the judges have cocktails and sofas on the beach, and are deciding who to put through. Anna, Letitia and Madeleine are up first. I have to say, the front-on shot of Anna really does not flatter her nose at all. Whitney doesn't like Anna in this shot, but loves her personality in person. Tyson isn't a fan of the picture either, but likes her personality. On to Letitia, and Whitney thinks that "boobs are all you can see in this picture". Julien thinks she wouldn't fit into any of his samples, to which my response is, as ever, "then make samples based on the shape of an actual woman and not a 14-year-old boy" [WORD - Helen]. Elle thinks Letitia could be a very successful Victoria's Secret model. Julien likes Madeleine's personality, but doesn't think she's gorgeous. Whitney, on the other hand, loathes Madeleine but likes her in pictures.

On to group 2: Emma G's face is "exquisite" according to Whitney, and she really stands out. Elle thinks she worked well and understood what she needed to do. Tyson thinks she's giving the best face of all of them. As far as Emma S is concerned, Tyson is not a fan of her stance, but he loves her look. Julien thinks she was awkward when she moved, and vacant when she stood still. Roxanne has chiselled cheekbones and determination, according to Tyson, and Elle chips in that she has "dignity". Tyson just wishes Roxanne wasn't being blocked by Emma S. Julien thinks Amelia is boring, and Elle wonders if Amelia's strength was entirely in her hair.

Moving on, Tyson thinks Anita's eyes look closed again. I don't think they look closed at all, so now I'm wondering if this is just going to be the sum total of Anita's journey until her eventual (presumably early) elimination. Julien was surprised by Anita's transformation, though. Elle thinks Jennifer is stealing the shot, and Whitney thinks her eyes look piercing. Tasmin bores the panel, with Tyson thinking she looks like a postcard, and Julien arguing weakly that "she's not the worst girl we've got". Whitney thinks Anne looks like a witch, but Julien likes that she's interesting - he thinks you want to ask questions about her.

In group 4, Whitney thinks Louisa looks like "a 50-year-old Beverly Hills housewife". Julien thinks she's gorgeous, but the others don't agree. Whitney, on a roll at this point, sneers that Louisa is "5'6 at best. She said she was 5'8, but even 5'8 is too short!" Diona has improved on last week's terrible picture, and the judges like her features here. Elle mentions having seen Diona and Madeleine in the gym - the only two girls she saw in the gym - and she likes the fact that she was there. She also likes her striking eyes. Whitney thinks Lisa is straining her neck too much, but she's one of the stronger girls overall. Tyson remembers Lisa having a good walk.

Finally we have group 5. Everyone laughs at Risikat's picture and Tyson thinks she's playing up the sexiness too much. Quite how she was supposed to avoid that when Elle and Julien basically told her to get her upper thighs out from under her kaftan is anyone's guess. Kellie looks like a milkmaid in the picture, but Elle likes her fine features and her delicacy. Whitney gives Penelope the excellent back-handed compliment of "she looks amazing, I almost didn't recognise her." Julien doesn't think she looks special, though - much to the consternation of the others. She really does have fantastic legs, mind.

After the ads, it's time for the deliberation and narrowing the girls down to 14. There's lots of vague "I think we should lose her and this one" which is all very enigmatic and precisely no fun for the viewer. Essentially, the judges can't agree on anyone. Eventually, they settle on three girls who will no longer be continuing. Voice of Fearne reminds us of the prizes (and that luxury apartment is still a kickass prize, I don't care what anyone says) and then it is night. Burning torches flicker on the beach giving a bit of a Survivor-like atmosphere as the top 17 troop down to meet Elle, waiting to see who amongst them will be spared.

Elle refers to the Top 14 going into "the model home", which is quite funny, and then gets down to business. The first girl advancing is Emma G. Joining her in the house will be Jennifer, Letitia, Kellie (hooray!), Amelia, Tasmin, Lisa, Roxanne, Anne, Madeleine, Anita, Emma S and Penelope. Only one spot left, and the last girl guaranteed a spot in the house is...Risikat. So Diona, Louisa and Anna are gone. I'm kind of surprised they didn't give Diona a shot over Emma S based on that last picture, but I guess Diona's fate was sealed the minute they found out she had a drama degree. Elle thanks them for everything they've done, and wishes them well for the future. "This is just the end of the journey for this time," she assures them vaguely. Diona interviews that this was a really big rejection to handle, while Anna is equal parts gutted for herself and pleased for her friends who did make the cut. Louisa interviews that they're all a lovely bunch and she wishes them all well. With a reasonable attitude like that, you can see why she wasn't really cut out for reality TV. Anna vows to return next year. Yeah, well, Catherine did that and ended up quitting, so good luck.

Elle congratulates the Top 14 and departs. Anita says that getting into the house was her aim, and now she can't wait for the competition to start. Jennifer is happy. Penelope is shaking. Risikat is pleased to have finally made the cut. Emma S was convinced she was going home. Kellie thinks this is the best feeling she's ever had. Letitia is on a high. Tasmin can't stop laughing. Amelia says it still hasn't clicked in her head, and she's going to go crazy when it does. This is perhaps an unfortunate end note, as it is immediately followed by the Voice of Fearne informing us that Amelia subsequently withdrew from the competition for "personal reasons". Presumably it eventually clicked, and she actually did go crazy. We get a montage of shots from the competition set to Coldplay's 'Viva La Vida', and then a preview of the model house (which looks suspiciously like the Dating In The Dark house) and the trials yet to come. Makeovers! Snakes! Waterfalls! International travel! Alesha Dixon! Jade! Rizzle Kicks! Men in bathrobes! Tarantulas! This series might actually be quite good, you know. I'm quietly confident. Join Helen next week to see what the first challenge is!