Thursday, 25 August 2011

Britain's Next Top T4 Presenter

Top 9: 22nd August 2011

Previously on BINT-MODEL : the birds played around with some birds (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!); Amy copped off with one of Charley's boys, which enraged Charley so he murdered the poor boy down a back-alley after the poor boy did a rousing rendition of "Oom-Pah-Pah" ; Anastasija and Tanya got into a cat-fight over whether Anastasija was in fact lower than dirt (Tanya thought "yes", Anastasija thought "no") ; Spoonface Hannah left the competition despite taking a not-awful picture. She was kind of boring though. Which is the main thing, especially after Queen Of My Heart Ufuoma was booted the week before FOR NO REASON.

Credits : I think BINT-MODEL is one of the few franchises not to update the credits post-makeover. You can kind of see why though. Also it'd be very difficult to get the exact quantity of '99 strawberry sauce in Anastasija's hair right for each passing episode.

As the xx yoink their strings mournfully over the soundtrack,[The xx should do more soundtrack work. WE CLEARLY DON'T HEAR THEM ENOUGH *cough* - Helen] we open on Amy interviewing that she was just in the Bottom 2 not one episode ago. Poor Amy. She promises that, despite this, she is not going to give up or cry. If she was doing that she'd have done it when Julien dumped the contents of a hoover-bag out, fashioned it into a weave, dumped it on Amy's head, and proclaimed her his GOBLIN QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEN. [She reminds me of the babe, etc. - Helen]

Screw that misery though, here are the happy parping trumpets of The Promise by Girls Aloud and...Emma Willis (woo...) is at the door of the BINTMansion. Imogen opens the door and gasps at the excitement. Jade tells us in interview that all the girls were "just chilling" in the front room when Emma Willis popped into their lives and changed everything forever. Of course the girls are "just chilling" as all girls "just chill" - wedged formally into the living room sofas with their shoes on, 5 to a couch, all facing towards a natural camera point. They have at least gone for the realism of the Axis being off in their own corner and Tanya stuck on her own off on the other side of the room. They sadly aren't "accidentally" throwing flumps at one another across the table.

Jade continues declaring her love for Emma Willis in interview ; Juste can't even get her name out without having to be cue-carded off camera. Either that or she's just not used to her being married to him out of Busted yet. Emma...Willis?

Anyway, Emma is here to tell the girls that these days, because of shows like this one, where clapped out old clothes-horses like Elle McPherson and Lisa Snowdon and Tyra Banks hunt for fresh blood (and organs) for the industry, models have to be tv-savvy, so they can jump off and be a tv presenter asap. And they're going to test that tv-savviness by making them remember a big list of bands they are allowed to like and not like. The ones they don't like they make hilarious ironic and cutting statements about. The ones they do like, they make hilarious ironic and cutting statements about, then give the lead-singer a surreptitious handjob in the Channel 4 car-park. AND NOW YOU'RE A T4 PRESENTER. BRING A BOATER AND AN IRONIC CRAVAT!

Not really, they're going to be interviewing The Wanted. Except they're not going to be told that now - they're just going to be teased with the idea that they'll be interrogating "famous people" and driven to a mystery location, on tenterhooks that it might be someone good that they're getting to talk to. Maybe JEDWARD! Tanya says that she's really nervous, but Anastasija is raring to go, and knocking back Red Bull at a rate of knots, saying she always wanted to know how she'd be as a tv presenter. To be honest, I'd watch Axis TV over T4 any day. ("Next up : Friends. That fat bitch Rachel and the blond moron do a fight over a Pottery Barn and shit. PLAY IT QUIET, I AM TRYING TO BE SLEEPING!")

Once at the mystery location (a recording studio, because, you know, The Wanted just can't TEAR themselves away), Emma introduces the mystery celebs...THE WANTED. The girls all cheer and clap, and the variously-shaped headed ones enter. This set-up I feel mimics just how much research goes into your typical T4 interview.

Personally, I don't mind The Wanted. I like a good variety of head-shapes in a boy band. Too many boy-bands think they can just get away with round heads, but these days, you really need to be bringing more variety to the table.

Anyway, Tanya says that it was only 2 months ago that she last heard a The Wanted record (*envy*) and now here they are in front of her! Amy on the other hand doesn't have a clue who they are. She thinks they're a band. Almost right, Amy. Emma meanwhile briefs the band on the girls mental state - some of them are excited, and some of them are nervous. Thanks Emma! At this noise, Triangle Wanted cackles that they're going to make those nerves so much worse, mwahahahaha! Yes, apparently The Wanted are going to act like unprofessional grumpy dick-heads throughout the interview, to really test the girls. It's not a knock specifically on The Wanted so much as all modern pop stars but...if he hadn't have told me, I wouldn't have guessed. Square Wanted tells the audience not to judge them on these interviews, because they're just being pretend-wankers for a tv show. Yeah, that'll stick.

Jessica is up first to be ushered into The Wanted's inner-sanctum, with Emma listening in from next door in giant headphones like she's in Bletchley Park in the 20s. Jessica goes for a handshake, but Trapezoid Wanted denies her. So she forces him. Amazing. She then says that she's heard that one of them used to be a model, so who was it? They all hilariously raise their hands, and collapse giggling. Eh, did you see the male models last week, boys? It's feasible. Jessica then dissolves into "either/or" questioning, starting strongly with "Chocolate or Vanilla?", then progressing to "Lemon or Cheese?" Chocolate and Lemon win, because Rectangle Wanted is allergic to cheese (MAYBE, OR MAYBE HE'S JUST BEING AWKWARD WHO KNOWS, WHAT A RUDE WANKER, MAYBE PRETENDING TO BE ALLERGIC TO CHEESE EH?). Sadly we never find out who takes the final down (GO LEMON!) because Jessica just walks off giggling.

I don't know what it says about me, but she was my favourite by a mile. I think it's the first time I've really liked her. LEMON OR CHEESE! [I can see Lemon Or Cheese? becoming a full-fledged Channel 5 gameshow in a matter of weeks. If they get Jessica in to host it, it'd probably be more watchable than BintModel. - Steve] The boys collapse laughing at how awful they all were, but Jessica just interviews to the effect of "boys eh?".

Tanya is next, and proclaims her hands to be going clammy. Oh the glamour. She's kind of dry - asking them standard "what would you be doing if you weren't in a band?" questions and looking a bit sad at the lack of witty banter she's getting back. Triangle Wanted would be a bin-man. Rectangle Wanted would be a model. The excitement. Imogen and Juste similarly screw up - asking a bunch of open-ended essay questions and getting "yes/no/I don't know" responses. How exciting. Why did they not use Janice for this challenge? Stacey is a giant mush-mouth and Holly just tries to cop off with The Wanted in lieu of interviewing them. I feel like Holly is just trying to work her obviously dwindling time on the show for whatever she can get out of it. As Holly and Juste walk out, both times Triangle Wanted basically wolf-whistles at their arses as they leave. Juste is very excited by this. We don't see Holly's response. I think she was aiming for Oval Wanted.

Amy is next, and opens the interview by calling them "The Wanting". Oooh BURN. Sadly this is just a slip of the tongue, not Amy being a secret sarcy agent on behalf of goth music. I don't think. She interviews again, that she has no idea who The Wanted are, and she shows this in the interview with themwhen, when faced with the question "do you like our music?" she replies "to be honest, I've not actually heard it" (*envy*). [And yet still manages to sound like less of a dick than any T4 presenter you'd care to name. - Steve] Oval Wanted looks pissed-off, Square Wanted looks baffled, Rectangle Wanted is pulling *awkward!* face, Triangle Wanted looks sympathetic yet annoyed, and Trapezoid Wanted looks like he's stifling giggles as hard as he can. I think Trapezoid Wanted is my favourite. Amy dries, and is finished.

Anastasija is next up, and just...turns the whole interview into an impromptu drama workshop. She gets the boys to do lunges, and pull a funny face. She tells them that these funny faces are really good for exercising your muscles , but I think she's just taking the piss. The signs of life this provokes in the boys (mostly in their trousers as she starts doing lunges in front of them) prompts Emma Willis to proclaim that she LOVES Anastasija. Well she thinks you're a fake push-pop bitch Emma Willis, so sit down.

Oval Wanted decides to stir the pot by asking Anastasija if any of the models are backstabbing bitches. She replies that yes, Tanya is a fake backstabbing bitch. Well, you have to admire her honesty if nothing else. Emma and The Wanted are both impressed with her candor, and Emma Willis in particular says she wishes her first interview had gone like that. Yes, all those repressed thoughts about Caroline Flack wouldn't have given her that ulcer then.

Jade is last, interviewing that she's not nervous at all, and she turns out to be fairly "charming" in a kind of flat and predictable way. You wouldn't really notice her if she was presenting anything you were watching, but, to be fair, it's not as though she's Zezi'ing it up either. [I love that "to Zezi" is now a verb in its own right. It's almost as good as when Katie Weasel developed the verb "to Beyoncé" on X Factor last year. - Steve] Emma is impressed. She would be. The Wanted cackle amongst themselves about how awful they were, but they think she handled them really well. Eh. It's was hardly Meg Ryan on Parkinson. [Or Kerry Katona on This Morning. Imagine if they'd got Katona in for this task. That would've been fun. - Steve]

Challenge Results time, and Emma Willis calls The Wanted in to see the girls, so they can announce for the fiftieth time this episode that that was all JUST PRETEND. Ugh, nobody cares. So needy. Own your bitch-ass-ness The Wanted. Imogen (really? over Lemon or Cheese?) and Jade are told by Emma that they were really good and really natural, but the winner is...Anastasija! She does get chided for cussing out Tanya, and told that if that happened in a real interview, it'd be all over the tabloids, displacing all the stories about The Wanted that she would otherwise have created, THUS DEFEATING THE POINT OF THE INTERVIEW. Oh jog on would it Emma Willis. Tanya whines in an interview about Anastasija bringing up their mutual loathing to The Wanted. Yes Tanya, that was much more cringeworthy than whatever line of insipid "what inspires you?" questioning you were spewing out. Tanya also doesn't clap as Anastasija is announced as the winner. Jesus wept.

The prize is to go on an evening out with the last three winners of BINT-MODEL. Anastasija opens her jaw wide enough to fit in all of The Wanted at once, and Jade looks moritifed. OK... I've only watched the last series, so were the two winners before that Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss? (*looks up on wikipedia*). Yeah, turns out not. Still, I'm excited to see TIFFNUH again. Anastasija is told she's allowed to bring two friends along, as long as they behave. Hmmm...I wonder who she'll pick. Yes it's Juste. Oh and Stacey, on the grounds that she lost her friend in the last elimination. Hannah and Stacey were friends? Imagine the thrilling conversations!

Jade and Tanya both call Anastasija unprofessional in interview some more, like this is a massive thing they've just noticed now. Blah blah blah. Anastasija calls them jealous. Well, not specifically, because she isn't being shown their interviews. She could be talking about anyone else, at any time, about anything. JELUS BIT-CHEZ!

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After another dose of Martine McCutcheon's Boring Yoghurt, we return to see the Axis + Stacey (I hope they make her do a bad Slovak accent and make her ONE OF THEM) getting ready for their big night out. Jade and Jessica remind us in interview what the prize was, and Jessica says that they're all jealous, because anybody would be really excited to win this glittering prize. Erm...I wouldn't. Actually that's a lie, but only for TIFFNUH. Anastasija continues to laugh it up in interview about how everyone else is a JELL-US BITCH, whilst looks like Imogen has been crying a little over this missed opportunity to talk to (*looks it up*) Mecia. [Shoulda been Jade. Not that I'm bitter or anything. I'm very bitter, actually. There's a rant here that I'm not going to get into - Helen]

Anyway, evening out time, as the Mutyabators (as they have been now forcibly and legally renamed) sing "Here Come The Girls!". Juste and Anastasija forcefully stomp into the club in their best casual attire, and Stacey bobbles along meekly in their wake like an anorexic tugboat ghost. Juste tells us all the the last three winners of BINT-MODEL are called Alex, Mecia, and TIFFNUH, and indeed, those three women are sat by the bar waiting for them. They all toast with champagne. Sadly, the Axis do not say "TO EVIL!" *clink* as they do so.

Alex talks to Juste, and asks her if she's enjoying herself. Juste says yes. There is a small group of bitchy nasty girls who sit in the corner and gossip behind their hands, but she and Anastasija still enjoy themselves. Erm...Juste, that IS you and Anastasija. Stacey meanwhile sits there clasping and looking like a 12 year old girl at her first school prizegiving. Then TIFFNUH speaks:

Anastasija : Yes Tiffany, I like chips too! Not too many though ho ho! A girl has to watch her figure!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Amy and Jessica bake cakes, and wonder aloud if Anastasija will share any of the tips she "garners" (bless Jessica and her actual existing vocabulary) from their meeting with Alex, Mecia and TIFFNUH. I'm guessing not. The cakes look rank as well.

Back in Glamour Bar, Juste asks all three girls what the biggest thing they achieved as a model was. Ha! Even when she's in the company of this pantheon of legends, Juste can't help being a bitch. Your careers are OVER winners. Especially in the face of the Axis. Alex says that she modelled clothes for Victoria Beckham, and Mecia says...that it's really important to make contacts.

So she's done nothing then.

Juste : An Oscar?! WOW! AND you're married to George Clooney!

Stacey asks all three how they coped in the house, and if they ever found it difficult to the extent that they would just sit in the corner just hoping nobody would notice them and cry and cry and cry and cry... Alex tells them all not to be fake and just to be themselves, Mecia says to keep practicing and they will succeed.

Stacey : What? I'm the winner of Britain And Ireland And The Isle Of Man And The Channel Islands And Those Fiddly Bits Around Scotland And Probably...Oooh I Don't Know Argentina's Next Top Model?! WHAT A WAY TO ANNOUNCE IT! I want to thank my mum, my PE teacher, my poor dead friend Spoonface Hannah, God...

Anyway, feedback time. Juste really enjoyed the whole night, TUFFNUH thinks that all 3 contestant-girls have lots of potential, Mecia says that Anastasija certainly had a lot to say, and Alex proclaims Juste to be her favourite for her look, and Anastasija for her personality. Nobody cares about Stacey. (*surprise*).

This exciting prize over with, the Axis + Tagalong Stace return back to find...all the girls in bed? Anastasija is appalled that anybody would go to bed at only 10pm. This is...not really what she was saying last week. Juste snots "early evening?" at them all as she walks in. I love that the Axis are acting like everyone else is the loser when they're returning from a night out before Newsnight has even started. Imogen interviews that Juste and Anastasija were really "quiet" when they returned, which it turns out is a really diplomatic way of saying "they hung around pulling smug faces until we asked them how it went, then they swanned off giggling to eat the cakes we spent the evening baking". Anastasija compounds this by interviewing that the girls were STUPID for thinking she would ever tell them all the modelling secrets they learned from TIFFNUH. Anastasija, Juste, and The Other One are keeping the secret of DUH YUH HUHR NUHCE! to themselves thank you very much. [<3 TUFFNUH. - Steve]

Next day now, and dawn heralds the arrival of a brand new E-Mail. Stacey reads it out, and it's some bumf about needing grace and beauty and being able to stay on your toes. Does anyone actually listen to the E-Mails? As soon as it's done, the BINT-MODEL hair and make up crew swoop in to give Anastasija's hair another top up of unnatural colour, and to do minor upkeep on everyone else to prepare them for the shoot. Imogen grunts to a make-up technician that she really needs a good picture this week. Preferably the best one, after that one last week where her cheeks looked like the aftermath of a pit-prop collapse.

Holly interviews that she thinks the theme for this week's shoot may well be Black Swan related, because of all the heavy make-up (and's heavy. Make-up guns set to KILL). Also, all the paintings on the wall of the BINTMansion started to come to life, but that might just have been because Juste made coffee for all the non-Axis girls this morning. Hey floor, you're looking closer than usu...

Furthering Holly's suspicions, the girls are magically teleported to the Royal Opera House, where they do all the ballet. I wish this week's theme had turned out to be "Go Compare advert". All the girls file in, and Tanya announces that she's never been to the opera ever (*face of surprise*) but it's really beautiful in the Opera House. As the girls all take their seats, the true horror of Jade's hair is revealed. It looks like a Zombie Twiggy Hallowe'en wig. How is this meant to be a ballerina? Anyway...

Once the girls are seated, a male ballet dancer takes to the stage and starts "busting some moves" (thanks Jade). All the girls, particularly Juste who apparently "can't touch her toes" (except for Anastasija), are in awe at the shapes what he is throwing. Once done, he introduces himself as Edward Watson - Principal Dancer for the royal ballet, who dresses to the right. Well, I added that last bit for myself. Stacey's hideous hair-do is revealed at this bit. She looks like Toilet-Dunk Barbie.

Edward tells the girls that they're going to be posing in a ballet themed photoshoot with either him, or another principal dancer called Federico Bonelli. They will be using their bodies to encapsulate the elegance and grace required to be a ballet dancer. Yeah...good luck with that. He dispatches them to get into costume, as Amy grizzles in interview that looking beautiful is not her strongest suit. Which, given that she's made Top 9, has apparently not hindered her on this modelling show.

Stacey is first on set, and she gushes that her costume makes her feel like a white swan. Edward introduces her to the photographer, and talks Stacey through the shoot. To be honest, whilst I don't want the show to turn into the US version, where the girls can't take a dump without Mr J popping up to remind them to smize as they pull the chain, I don't think ballet dancers should be running a photoshoot over...even Grace. EVEN GRACE.

Anyway, things go well for Stacey, and the photographer tells her she looks beautiful. Hooray. I guess. To be honest, I don't know who I really want to win.

Jessica is up next, with Federico. I don't like how ballet-outfits for men seem to want to slice directly through the nipple. It's not aesthetically pleasing as much as anything else. Anyway, Jessica is worried that she's too heavy for Federico to hold up successfully, like ballet dancers aren't the REAL World's Strongest Men (take THAT Geoff Capes) and stumbles around utterly gracelessly. She jumps around stumpily, but the photographer seems ok with the whole thing, although she does think Jessica could have relaxed more. Jessica interviews that she think it went ok, but she did feel herself going blank.

Next up is Tanya, saying that she's never ever done ballet (* face of surprise*), so she was very nervous. Whatever Tanya, you're the only girl who walks around with this quantity of eye-liner on EVERY DAY, so it all balances out. The photographer loves her though. I think this photographer might have a lot to answer for, quality-control wise. She asks Tanya to twirl. Tanya twirls. It's not the best. She interviews that all the spinning made her dizzy. That and Juste's coffee anyway. Edward asks if she's feeling ok, and tells the photographer he was super-impressed with her natural ballet instincts. QUICK! SIGN HER UP FOR THE CORPS!

Amy's next, and already she's begging the other girls for tips. Particularly Jessica which...I wouldn't. Anyway, Jessica tries to teach Amy how to be graceful. Think on that one. Imogen and Holly don't just think on it though - they openly laugh in Amy's face. This causes Amy to...cry and give up. Oh opening VT Amy, how you lied. Imogen and Jade have a good bitch about how Amy is miserable and uncomfortable and crap and should just go home. Poor Amy. She then stomps into the photoshoot room looking like Noel Fielding as Kate Bush and does about as well as you'd expect. She's tense and moody and stilted. Even the super-happy photographer is a little pissy with her. And she likes EVERYONE. Once done, she grumps backstage, says it was really hard, then cries and gives up some more, as Jessica watches on, looking like this has happened too many times for her to remain interested in it beyond just looking at it.

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As we finish pondering just how classy and sensitive "Ladyboys" is going to be as a documentary, we return in medias Imogen, as she deadpans that she really thinks that you should just go into every shoot really excited and positive. Yeah do that next week when they try and do an underwater shoot on a Living TV budget. HAPPY DROWNING! The photographer tries to get her to jump, but it looks like someone doing the Thriller dance on a pogo stick. Of course this photographer is happy with it aside from Imogen's lack of facial expressions because...she just is, ok?

Juste is next, complaining about how she can't be expected to do well, because she's really unflexible and not very fit. I'm sure Tanya will give you a hand with bending yourself into whatever shapes you need Juste. And some you don't. With a steering-lock. The photographer asks her if she's ever done any dancing before, and Juste says she tried, but they kicked her out. Well if you WILL set fire to things Juste... The photographer again, seems fine with everything, even as Juste seems on the verge of coughing up a lung from about 4 minutes in.

Anyway, Juste walks back from the shoot, says hello, doesn't get the rapturous response she expects (because she's done so much to warrant one), and then throws a massive passive-aggressive strop about how no-one's paying any attention to her. She closes by glomping onto Anastasija and bugging her as her make-up is being attended to. Anastasija suffers in silence, for the sake of the Axis.

She's next up in the photoshoot, and the photographer directs her critically. Well...a bit. She tells her to stop smiling so much. But it's enough. Anastasija panics that all her hair is going in her face, and her leaps look a bit stumbly and awkward but otherwise it seems to go fine. Federico I think also dresses to the right. Two of them in one place. So rare. Once she's done, Anastasija says this was the hardest photo-shoot (WHAT? HARDER THAN DRINKING TEA?) and she thinks she did everything wrong. That photographer IS a hard task-master for sure.

Next up is Holly. she still here? I swear she'd already gone home. Anyway, Holly tells us that she did ballet when she was 5, and she can't really remember any of it. She really can't. Jade follows, and the photographer says that she LOVED Jade's dress. OK, that is the absolute limit. It looks like something the third backing dancer in a University production of Cabaret would wear. She asks Jade if she feel comfortable jumping in it, and Jade says that as long as they retouch the photos she'll be fine. Oh Jade, they only do that if they like y...oh wait. They do like Jade. Never mind. Anyway, she bounces up and down and her boobs fall out all over the place. Nobody says anything. You'd think they would.

Jade finishes, and goes backstage. People ask how she did, and she recounts the saga of her boobs, and how she'd come down from a leap to look down and find one "out there, just chillin'". Ok, that was funny. Stay frosty, Jade's boobs.

Shoot over, it's back to BINTMansion for dinner. As everyone tucks into nachos and Red Bull, Juste and Anastasija decide that now is the time to deal with just how unfair everyone has been to them since Anastasija won the challenge to meet TIFFNUH. Anastasija asks everyone why won't they talk to her? Why are they freezing she and Juste out? Are they in fact jealous bitches? Imogen replies that it's Anastasija and Juste shutting themselves off in their bunker, not the other way round, and Amy agrees. Juste huffs and recounts the HORROR of when she finished her photoshoot and said "HI GIRLS!" and nobody responded! We get a flashback so we can relive the atrocity in full nauseating colour. Anastasija nods at the side like a Pekinese, as Holly shovels more nachos into her gob, so over this dumb show.

Jessica says that she never even realised that Juste said anything to be blanked, and Jade decides to take the lead by pointing out that Anastasija used to be really fun, way back in this mystical time when she shared a room with Tanya and they had Chubby Bunny parties and whatever, but now she's CHANGED and just sits around bitching with Juste. What happened Anastasija, you used to be cool! Why aren't you cool any more? Anastasija protests that she is still cool and Holly lies that nobody has a problem with the Axis and mumbles more somethings about nothing. I think she's verging on pretending she's got some kids she misses so she can quit. In interview, Juste and Anatasija outline for the zillionth time about how they are amazing and everyone else sucks.

It's so sad that THIS is the only thing keeping the show interesting. THIS.

Another E-Mail now and Imogen reads it out. It mentions pirouetting out of the competition. Woo. Everyone packs up their big dumb suitcases, and Imogen interviews that she thinks Amy should go home, because everyone else, including her, wants it more. I don't think Holly does. Amy herself worries that all her shots were crap and she thinks the judges will slate her. Anastasija says she's not worried, because she won the interviewing challenge. Holly looks around for a pistol so she can shoot herself in the shin and desert.

Judging time (or "Judgment Day" as Fearne Rotton calls it in voiceover) now, and once more we get to see all the work that goes into making Grace Woodward presen...more presentable. Charley joshes with Julien about how he's much better looking than Julien is, whilst Grace pores over this week's photos. As does Julien. He thinks they're all rubbish. Hooray. This week's Special Guest Judge is famous designer Henry Holland. He looks like Jedward's dad as the lead in Postman Pat : The Musical. You are so lucky that Steve isn't recapping this week, because if he were, it'd be nothing but swears from here til the end. [I did try to look on the bright side. Just imagine what a pottymouth I'd have been if it was "Agyness Deyn". - Steve]

Intros done, Elle welcomes them all to her chamber, and reminds them that this week they were interviewers and they hit the dancefloor. WOAH Elle, that almost sounds like something interesting happened, slow down. She then runs us through all those many prizes again. Sadly "Mecia's contacts" aren't on the list, so I don't know how they expect any winner of this show to survive. To be fair, I wouldn't begrudge anyone not wanting to rummage around in the bottom of the bin for that fag-packet. It's probably got ketchup on it.

Juste starts, and they flash her picture up. It's crap. She looks like a failed concept for a Sam Sparro video. She at least pre-empts the judgement by acknowledging she looks rubbish. Julien tells her that unfortunately the combination of the theme, her body, and the new hairstyle...whoever it was gave her (sorry, I only remember the makeovers Julien did. Don't pretend you'd do any better) have all combined to make her looks like a boy in a dress. Elle and Henry on the other hand think it looks beautiful, especially her body. She does NOT look like a drag queen. High praise indeed. Actually, for this week, it is.

Jessica is next, and we relive "Lemon or Cheese?", the new craze sweeping the nation. Everyone acts like this is some sort of massive embarrassment, and not the amazingness that it is. They than flash her picture up. It's crap. She's got less man-face than last week, but she's gone cross-eyed, and she's not so much a ballerina as a municipal park flasher. Everyone jizzes themselves silly over it anyway, because it's Jessica.

Tanya's picture is next. It's crap. It looks like her face is being pushed into an invisible wall, and her facial expression reads pure "donate to the NSPCC and stop this girl's daddy touching her". Grace tells her that she's no Dancing Queen, and that her arm is perfect (?), but the rest just falls apart. Edward's arse is ridiculous.

Sorry, but I'm taking what I'm getting this week.

Next up is Jade. We relive her dull-as-dust interview. Her picture is beyond crap and out the other side. She looks like a dog. Which I mean literally, as opposed to figuratively. Her hair's in a little poodle pompodour and her lower lip is jutting out like a lapdog's and her eyes read "WAWWS SOSSIGIZ!". It doesn't help that Federico's looking at her like he thought she might be attractive from behind, but now he's seen up front... Julien calls it boring, and Henry tells her she looks uncomfortable. I'll say.

Imogen's picture is next. It's crap. She's mid-air and yet still looks like she's been run over by a Macc Truck. Also, her nipples covered up are more distracting than Jade's were on display. Elle picks on her body positioning in her upper half, which is really picking at the turd cherry on top of the dog-poo cake. Julien has apparently decided that he hates Imogen, as Julien does, and tells her she's plain in person, and barely scrapes by in photos. TOP 7 EVERYONE!

Holly follows, and I almost want to throw a party for how over it she is. Elle tells her that every week she turns up looking bored out of her mind. Holly does not refute this, and in fact tries her damndest to look even more bored. This works a treat, as Julien leaps out of his seat, capers towards her like a leprechaun, grabs at her arse and hair (?!), screams "SHAKE IT ABOUT! YOU'RE A TOP MODEL!...YOU KNOW!...COME ON!". This actually happened, and as far as I'm aware, there was no lawsuit. Holly continues to look as bored as possibly, although even she can't resist cracking a smile at this lunacy. They show her picture. It's crap. No, honestly. Stick your arm in the air. That's Holly's picture. Grace asks where the personality is, and Henry congratulates her on her double chin and Betty Driver face. Holly looks like she can barely remember to breathe.

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After we finish wondering if Earth ever birthed two wankers as wanky as "Emma" and "Dex" from One Day, we're back into the judging with Amy's interview. It's crap. Next up is Amy's picture. It's also crap. It looks like Edward just spat in her face and she's feeling the cold unpleasant wet sensation of his dribble running down the gap between her boobs. Charley says it's frighteningly bad, Henry tells her there's no life in it, and Julien tells Amy that he's FED UP of always sticking up for her in these panels, then coming back next week to an even worse picture. They are on a break! (Axis TV : "This week the ugly one and Fat Rachel have fight over how the ugly one fuck some photocopier in the ass. Like that ever happen").

Anastasija is next to be judged. They play her challenge-winning interview, and everyone has a good giggle at how charming and likable she was. They then put her picture up. It's...not crap? It's a bit "Emma Bunton as Poltergeist in the Too Much video", but for this week I'll take it. The judges all agree that Anastasija is clearly the best in show this week, as the other girls seethe. Axis forever!

Stacey rounds out the judging session with her photo. It's crap. It looks like the entirety of the right side of her face is melting off, and she's crossing her legs like she needs a wee. Julien says that her top half is fine, but her legs are awful and she's made the dress look like a blob. Henry Holland says "there's no life" for about the fortieth time. Elle finishes by telling her that her personality sucks, and that she doesn't really stand out from the crowd. But...her photos are nice. she guesses.

Deliberation time now, but not before Elle tells everyone that this week is a Double Elimination week. Somehow that still doesn't feel like enough. MORE ELLE! KILL MORE OF THEM! Backstage, Amy, Jade and Holly all agree that their photos sucked. Holly looks kind of pleased with this turn of events. Anyway... DELIBERATIONS!

Juste : Henry likes it, Julien thinks she's not versatile enough, Elle thinks she's versatile but too lazy to really show it, Charley thinks she's "really wide", but has to stay based on this shot.

Tanya : Charley thinks she's had better shots but was out of her comfort zone, Grace thinks she's too stiff, and Henry says she's not a model and he wouldn't book her.

Jessica : Everyone agrees it's an amazing picture, just like Jessica does every week, in some version of the show I apparently don't watch, but Henry thinks she's disappointing in person. Isn't this...the exact opposite of her week 1 storyline? To be fair, I only remember that because I recapped it, so I can't imagine anyone else would.

Jade : Everyone breaks down laughing at how awful it is

Imogen : Grace calls her a man in drag, Elle disagrees, Henry thinks she looks like a middle-aged librarian, and Julien says that she's really boring. Why not grab her tit and tell her SHE'S ALIVE Julien? That should sort it. Charley thinks there are worse girls still in the competition.

Holly : Charley takes a leaf from my crit book and calls her crap, Elle says she wants to be on a shoot with her to get her energised (nah Elle, just let a frogman run the next shoot, it'll be FINE), Julien points out that The Wanted all wanted to do her, but Henry points out that being actually sexually attractive to men is nothing to do with being a model.

Amy : Grace calls her the Corpse Bride, Julien says she has a pirate arm, Elle questions how much more she can do on the show.

Anastasija : Julien praises her professionalism (?!?!?!) and says she always carries herself like a model, Charley is still stuck on how she only has one facial expression.

Stacey : Elle thinks she has a gorgeous face but no personality, Grace suddenly has decided she doesn't care about personality any more, Henry says that she looks dull in photos as well as in person.

ELIMINATION TIME! Good luck doing a call-out order this week beyond putting Anastasija first. Anyway, call-out order ends up being :


Leaving our bottom 3 as Amy, Holly and Jade. Well this is an anti-climax. Like they're letting Jade go anywhere. They probably only sandbagged her like they did on that shoot to make her inevitable victory less deadeningly predictable (NB : I thought the same about Charlotte last series, pay no attention to me). And indeed, Jade is safe.

Holly doesn't look like she really cares but Amy...cries and gives up. And cries a LOT, so her mascara flees all over her face like an inky spider-web. At least she went out witchy I guess. I wish she'd survived til next week's underwater shoot, just to see if she really would have floated. Holly interviews about how this was the greatest experience she's ever had, she's so proud to have got so far, this isn't the last you've heard of Holly blah blah blah CAN SHE GO NOW?

I know how she feels.

Next week : DROWNING!

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