Saturday, 20 August 2011

Birds of prey

Top 11: 15th August 2011

Previously on BintModel: makeovers! Julien, in his increasing lunacy decided it would be a good idea to give Anastasija pink hair, while Charley in his increasing disinterest decided it would be a good idea to do literally nothing to Ufuoma, and she was subsequently sent home. Also: Elle lectured Anastasija on the importance of finding the right balance of nakedness and Chipmunk gave them a private performance. I'm surprised he agreed to do that, but I guess now the show has Murdoch Money behind it, they can afford a bit more money for the purchasing of souls.

Coming up tonight: feathers are flying and the claws come out, and then after Tanya and Anastasija have finished arguing, the girls will be going on a falconry-themed shoot. Also, Alek Wek watches Juste fall over repeatedly, and Amy gets off with someone much to the disgust of Anastasija, who is both a bitch and a puritan. I am so grateful for Anastasija, because in a series of disappointments, she is the gift that keeps on giving. I hope she wins.

Titles. Seriously, these are just the actual worst things I have ever seen. You can actually see the confusion in the girls' eyes, especially Holly. The only people who even come close to actually looking like they have any presence are Hannah and Imogen, and even then it's a bit of a stretch.

We begin with Stacey whining about how it wasn't a nice feeling to be in the bottom two with Ufuoma, because she's a "big character" in the house, as opposed to Stacey, who is so criminally tedious that she keeps turning invisible amongst the strip lights and magnolia walls of the holding room. Fortunately we don't dwell on Stacey too long, because Elle appears, wearing a sensible turtleneck (so the girls have clearly been sat there twiddling their thumbs for ages while she went off to get changed) and saying she's very proud of everyone. Except that useless cow Ufuoma, obviously. (I'm speaking in character as Elle here, just to clarify. Love you, Ufuoma! Call me!) Elle tells the girls she's very glad they've all got their bags, and asks if they know why? They don't, of course, because they're mostly idiots. Sadly, instead of announcing that she's sending everyone home and cancelling the rest of the series, Elle instead informs the girls that they're all off to the airport, because they're working in Ireland tomorrow. SCREAM! IRELAND! THAT'S WHERE LOUIS WALSH LIVES!

The girls are taken to the airport and board a plane; while some of them celebrate with cheapo inflight booze, an unimpressed-looking Anastasija dons a sleep mask and grabs 40 winks. The plane lands in darkness, but suddenly it's broad daylight and we're at a lovely-looking country hotel with soft lilting Irishy music playing in the background. The models wander up the gravel path, and are greeted by Yvonne Keating, who seems to have some sort of hold over this show.[It's almost as if one of them slept with someone...oh. - Helen] Jade describes Yvonne as "looking beautiful", even though she kind of looks like she's auditioning to play the mum from My Parents Are Aliens. Because this show considers its audience to be a bunch of dribbling simpletons, Hannah informs us that Yvonne Keating is Ronan Keating's wife (because that's far more important to her role on this show than the fact that she is a PROFESSIONAL MODEL. I mean, I know the very existence of this entire series is one giant failure for feminism, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST) and we get a flashback of Elle meeting them at the auditions, just in case we're deaf as well as thick.

Yvonne (who is actually credited as "Yvonne Keating, model" in this shot, but the damage is already done, thank you very much) welcomes the girls to Carton House, and tells them that Elle has asked her to look after them, because apparently not one of this show's four judges could make it along to supervise this task. She tells them that a top model must embrace her surroundings and show versatility, then holds out her arm and a...falcon? Hawk? I dunno, some sort of bird of prey lands on her arm. This is quite distressing for Hannah, who admits she's afraid of pigeons. Yvonne tells them this is a good time to overcome their fears, and introduces their top photographer for the week, Barry McCall, and sends them off to get made up. Yvonne reminds us unnecessarily that the big thing today is the birds, and trying not to get distracted by them. Thanks Yvonne, but I think we all got that as soon as the bird appeared.

Juste is the first to be photographed, and is wearing a bizarre headpiece that gives her two giant blue antlers, basically. Actually, the styling on this shoot is pretty awesome: it's all sort of steampunk regency stuff, if that's an actual thing, which it probably isn't. (It's not - Chris) Juste is instructed to position herself on the stairs, which worries her because she thinks it won't give her much room to move. The bird doesn't like Juste much and starts flapping, so Juste leans far back and pulls a variety of comedy faces. Yvonne tells her that even though it's scary when the bird does that, it looks good, so Juste just has to get over it. Juste eventually gets over her ornithophobia and learns to be fierce. Yvonne's impressed that Juste managed to put her fears aside as soon as the photographer started shooting. Outside, Juste starts telling Hannah all sorts of bird-themed horror stories about being whacked in the face with the wings, just to enhance Hannah's Tippi Hedren complex.

Holly's in next, posing on a seat in the middle of the room, and via confessional she relates that she was holding the bird quite close to her, and it looked like it was about to fly away, but it didn't - it just pooed on her dress. Everyone's a critic, I guess. "It just missed Yvonne," Holly tells us. Meanwhile, the bird is thinking "well, one out of two's not bad. I've got plenty of time to get the redhead later." Holly points out that this was a bit of a problem for the stylist, as this dress cost around £5,000. We see some poor woman wiping up the birdshit from Holly's dress with some tissues. So much for the glamour of high fashion. (Tyra would have booted Holly for that. As a MODEL it is your JOB to protect the PRODUCT - Chris) Having been de-pooped, Holly admits that she needed a lot of direction to begin with, and Yvonne tells her that she needs to give much more attitude. Barry keeps yelling "stronger! Stonger! A bit more!" at her, which isn't a good sign.

Next is Anastasija, who says she wasn't scared at all. Of course not. In Soviet Russia, birds fear you! Anastasija poses haughtily with the bird, and looks fabulous. The bird starts nibbling at her fingers, and she doesn't even flinch. Peculiarly, Barry stops taking pictures at this point to check that Anastasija is fine (she is, obviously) and yet the soundtrack still has continues shutter noises. Who is taking all these pictures? It's not Barry. Yvonne and Barry marvel at Anastasija's professionalism. Anastasija interviews: "I just said to myself, it's nothing, it's not a tiger, it's not going to eat you all!" Indeed. [*remembers Jade ANTM kissng that beetle that time* - Helen]

Boring Stacey is next. She's dressed all in black with a black feathery fascinator, giving her the look of Narcissa Malfoy. She appears to be doing a good job, though, and takes direction well. Yvonne is impressed by how her face pops out - not literally, I hope. Hannah and Jade are watching, as are Juste and Jessica, and afterwards Jade tells Stacey that she looked amazing. Stacey replies that she felt so confident compared to the last shoot.

Jessica's next, and her set is insane: she's perched on a plinth in an alcove with a pile of logs beneath her, and a smoke machine firing over them. I can't quite decide if this is an advantage or a handicap, but it does seem to be a significantly more elaborate set-up than anyone else gets. Jessica says that she liked her shoot, and she was very strong and moody in it. She's kind of clenching her teeth a lot though. Juste, who appears to just be around watching everybody else all day (girlfriend really needs to take up knitting), can't help noticing there's a lot going on in Jessica's shoot. Jessica exits her shoot with good feedback from Yvonne and Barry, but is cornered outside by the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil. I bet this is why the producers schedule them in for the early slots of the shoot, because it gives them all day to just hang around playing mind games with their competitors. Incidentally, Anastasija's hair (which is leftover from her shoot styling) basically looks like a candyfloss penis. Anyway, Jessica explains that the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil gave her really awful feedback. Why on earth she's listening to either of them, I don't know, but the Top Model House's very own bloodthirsty hawks tell her that she should have done more in the shoot because the bird was just sitting there. Jessica's self-esteem crumbles, and the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil congratulates itself on a job well done. [I can't believe they showed Juste smoking, by the way. Chain Smoking. - Helen]

Jade arrives for her shoot, interviewing that she felt fine and confident on her arrival. She too has a smoke machine. She's trembling a little bit as the handler places the bird on her shoulder. Jade interviews that she just tried to focus on her face and forget about the bird. Barry and Yvonne seem happy with the results. Hannah is next, and is not exactly thrilled to discover that the bird has to fly in and land on her arm for her shoot. She seems to be coping reasonably well; Yvonne tells her not to flinch, and Hannah adopts the Jade tactic of just staring straight ahead and ignoring the bird entirely (Which was also my tactic on dates as a teenager - Chris). She is, however, planting her chin somewhere in the middle of her oesophagus, which doesn't escape Yvonne's notice. Yvonne tells Barry that there are always some girls who don't deliver (uh oh) and Hannah clearly just froze when the bird was brought in.

Imogen's next, and interviews that the bird didn't like her. It might not be you, Imogen, it might be the fact that the bird knew they were going to soundtrack this section with OLLY FUCKING MURS and threw a tantrum accordingly. Imogen's pretty good in the face of adversity and doesn't seem too put out by the bird acting up, although she's looking very pale, and not in a good way. Barry thinks he's got the shot, however. Imogen wanders off-set afterwards and tells Jade and Holly (apparently the Eastern Europen Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil saw no profit in trying to mess with Imogen's mind - draw your own conclusions) that the probably was that it was a female bird, and that a male bird would've liked her. This is true: females are entirely incapable of working together in a professional capacity, anyone who watches The X Factor knows that.

Witchy Amy is up next, saying that she's been hoping for an editorial shoot every week, but every week so far (of the two whole weeks that they've done), it's been a natural beauty sort of shoot. She says that she really wanted to impress the judges and show them she can work a different style of shoot. Tanya's after her, and just about everyone turns up to watch this one (Juste is smoking a cigarette and scowling ♥). Barry instructs Tanya to lift the bird up, which she appears to be struggling with. Yvonne asks if her arm is sore, and Tanya nods. Jade interviews that throughout the shoot, the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil were bitching about Tanya and calling her fake. Anastasija backs this up in an interview: "The more I'm watching her, the more I realise that she's really fake." Juste (whose dark crop is totally working for her, by the way - she looks like a really hot man) bitches to Imogen that "she's so not cool with us and then she pretends in front of the judges, you know, it confuses everyone, and then she wins. It's so unfair." Imogen agrees that "she's extremely good at being fake." After the shoot, Yvonne admits that she's disappointed in Tanya. Tanya goes over to the girls, and Juste asks her snottily if she thinks she'll have the best picture this week. Tanya says that she hopes she will. Juste bitchterviews that she doesn't like Tanya, because she always says that she's the best. I'm no Tanya apologist, but what exactly should she have said in that situation? Back on the scene, Juste tells Tanya "from the other girls what I've seen, it's not going to be the best picture." Tanya interviews that there is tension, and that the other girls might perceive her as a threat. It's odd that they're bitching about her being the best "again" - didn't Jessica get first call out last week anyway?

After the commercials, we're back at Model Mansion. Imogen interviews that they got back from Ireland and had a chillout day. Not for long, however, as we see Charley pull up outside in a posh car carrying champagne. Inside, the doorbell rings and Imogen rushes to answer it. Brilliantly, I'd swear there's at least a two second pause after Imogen opens the door before she even works out who he is. Charley comes in to speak to them all, and they make some smalltalk about Ireland. Charley asks if he'll be impressed with all of them, and Hannah tells him that they think they've all done their personal best, but it's hard to tell how that will compare to everyone else. Charley says that the quality level is up there, and they're getting good shots. He then awkwardly segues into the fact that he's invited some of his "fellow models" over for "a little soirée". Apparently all of that quasi-pimping they had him doing in Glasgow was just a warm up act for tonight. Charley tells them to talk to the models and get some advice, because they're current and they're working. He's trying not to giggle throughout, because he knows exactly why the producers are planning to fill the house with male models tonight, and it has nothing to do with enhancing these girls' CVs. Then he scarpers. Charley Speed: Worst Pimp Ever.

The girls get all dressed up and return to the living room, which has been set up as a bar in their absence, complete with two chaps mixing cocktails for them. MODELS! DRINKING! DRINKING MODELS! The doorbell rings. Hannah opens the door to reveal a rakish type who looks like he needs a good wash. Mercifully, he does appear to be followed by several people who are somewhat more attractive. Tanya interviews that upon the arrival of the male models, the girls were acting like they'd never seen boys before. Imogen interviews that they were all good-looking (illustrative shot of The Great Unwashed - why focus on this one? Is my taste really so out of touch that this is what everyone finds attractive these days and I just don't get it?). Everyone gets drunk, and the boys start showing off (read: gaying it up) on the in-house catwalk. Imogen tells us that "Will" was really good looking (shot of really ripped guy taking his shirt off, with overall effect slightly ruined by crap tattoo), and that he probably hits the gym every day. I think she might have actually been drunk when she did this interview. Even if not, with Ufuoma gone, I appreciate Imogen's commitment to actually giving us entertaining confessionals - which means she'll probably be sent home in the next few weeks. Witchy Amy interviews that she fancied all of them apart from two, and there was one guy that she spoke to more because they were into the same sort of music. Guess who? Yep, The Great Unwashed. TGU tells the cameras that "this emo kid [Witchy Amy, obviously] is nuts!" and kisses her head. Witchy Amy interviews that he was totally her type because he had tattoos and piercings. Anyone surprised by this? Nope, me neither.

An apparently drunk Anastasija goes to the confessional booth and says that she's "shocked by the Amy's beherrer, oh my God." We see Amy climbing up the Soap Dodger, intercut with interview segments in which she admits to being "a bit drunk, to be honest". The two of them end up sitting drunkenly in the confessional both, with him offering to get on top of her. Classy! "Not on camera," Amy scolds, which he takes to mean that as soon as the cameras are off, his luck's in. Downstairs, the Eastern European Axis Of Formerly Blonde Evil and Tanya (why are they hanging out together? Don't they despise each other?) are gossiping, and Anastasija reiterates her shock at Amy's behaviour. Juste agrees that "I don't think you have to get that loose." Tanya grins. I think she's just happy they're picking on someone else. For now. Amy interviews reluctantly that she "kissed him, a little bit", which is immediately followed by Imogen interviewing "all night, apparently." Hee! Soap Dodger writes his number on Amy's arm: "hopefully in biro, not permanent marker, because that's not going to be good for shoots," she admits. Imogen hugs "Will" goodbye, and says she hopes they'll arrange something when they get out. Jade, Witchy Amy, Jessica and Imogen go to the confessional booth, where Jade announces that "these two" copped off, while everyone else took Charley's advice at face value and asked questions about modelling. Bunch of prudes. Anastasija has the final word: "It's really cheap. Just cheap."

Later, everyone's getting ready for bed, and Anastasija The Appalled is lying in her bunk, asking Witchy Amy why she can't just "behave". Is she related to Rodrigo from Big Brother? Because they share a certain fun-sponge quality. Apparently, for reasons I can't quite figure out, Amy being a floozy is preventing Anastasija from getting her required amount of nap time, and she's angry because she's going to have bags under her eyes in the morning. In the bathroom, Jessica's all "right, so we'll all just have to go to sleep whenever Anastasija wants us to? Fuck that." Anastasija bitches at them for not using the other rooms instead of this one. Holly tells her that she should just go to bed already, and the rest of them will go downstairs and come to bed when they're ready. Jade interviews that Anastasija is being cunty. They bleep it out, but I like to think that's what she said. Anastasija bitches Witchy Amy out for being the loudest person, which...have you met Amy? Witchy Amy sulks and goes to bed. Anastasija says that she doesn't care about Amy because it's a competition.

The next day, there is E-Mail, intercepted by Juste. "A super-agent, a superbrand, a supermodel. Can you walk amongst such esteemed company? Time to find out. Elle." Imogen thinks there will be an agent watching them and reporting back to Elle. They're taken to a studio in Shoreditch and greeted by Julien Miachon from Models One, who's with Yasmin Yusef, creative director of Miss Selfridge. She tells them that today's challenge is to put two outfits together, complete with shoes and accessories, and walked on the catwalk. So hang on - they've done the photo shoot first, and now they're having their reward challenge? What kind of ass-backwards episode is this? Julien tells them that to help with the super-tough challenge, they've got a supermodel. It's Alek Wek! I love Alek Wek, as do all the girls, it seems. Alek greets the girls sunnily, and tells them they've got five minutes to go and figure out what their look will be, so they need to get a move on.

Models running and jostling for clothes. Hannah interviews that they were all pushing each other out of the way, though to be honest, it looks far too civilised for my liking. Tanya interviews that she's not very good at putting things together. Two and two, for example. Juste interviews that when she'd found her outfits, the only pair of shoes left were a pair of enormous red platform high heels, which were several sizes too small for her. Alek arrives and giggles at the girls with their piles of clothes. She tells them that they need to be confident, because "the clothes don't make you, you make the clothes." I thought six-year-old children in third world countries made the clothes? Alek tells them not to disappoint her.

Adverts. Thandie Newton for Olay, once again adding "Thandie Newton" to the ever-increasing list of roles she cannot play convincingly.

Back at the styling challenge, there are girls, and they are walking. Holly's walk is hopeless, and she looks depressed. Julien whispers to Alek that he's bothered by Holly's quiffy hair. Or possibly "queefy hair". Jessica gets a growl of approval. Juste's walk goes down well with Yasmin, and Alek likes her look, but then: DISASTER!(/HILARITY! - Chris) Juste falls off the catwalk as she's stepping down from it. Alek's concerned that Juste might have hurt herself. Backstage, Juste takes out her anger on those evil shoes. Stacey walks and gives the most simpering grin you've ever seen in your life. Yasmin is disgusted, as well she might be. Tanya interviews that she was upset with her first dress, which is basically translucent and leaves a third dark line between her legs. Alek tries to figure out Jessica's second look, which she thinks might be "don't mess with me", and giggles that she wouldn't. Jessica turns, and reveals the clothing tag hanging out the back of her jeans. Yasmin stresses the importance of checking yourself in the mirror before heading out. Juste returns in a long, flowing, sand-coloured dress, and Yasmin thinks that she could do couture, just as Juste falls off the catwalk AGAIN. Backstage, Juste giggles that she's "useless". Yasmin thinks that Witchy Amy looks uncomfortable. Jade looks great, but is staring at her feet a bit. Imogen has put together an outfit that Alek really likes.

The girls assemble on the catwalk, and Alek tells them that she really enjoyed seeing their looks, even though for some of them, "I was like, 'what was that?'" I love Alek. Can she come back next week? And every week? Julien tells Jade that her second look was more her than her first look, and Imogen that her posing at the end was over the top. Yasmin tells Juste that both her outfits were exquisite and she had an elegance about her, so she's the winner. Juste is very surprised, as I think we all were. Her prize is a whole rail of "amazing, fabulous, gorgeous clothes". Tanya complainterviews that everyone else did really good on the catwalk, and Juste tripped, but they must have picked her for some reason. Maybe because the assignment was about styling and accessorising rather than walking? Just a thought.

Back at Model Manor, trouble's a-brewing. Imogen tells us that the tension between Anastasija and Tanya had been building all week. We get no build-up, we're just thrown right into the middle with Tanya yelling at Anastasija that she gets on with everyone apart from Anastasija, because she's "fucking fake". This is intercut with Tanya interviewing that Anastasija was lovely at boot camp, but she's changed since she's been in the house. Well, that as may be, but you weren't living with her at boot camp, were you? Anastasija hits back Tanya's loud, and not being herself. They start shouting over each other, and Tanya keeps trying to get Anastasija to shut up (note that Anastasija keeps barreling on and doesn't care whether Tanya shuts up or not. ♥ Anastasija). Anastasija then starts taking the piss out of Tanya's voice, which doesn't go down well. (Also, pot/kettle - Chris) Anastasija asks Tanya what she's going to do, to which Tanya replies "can't do nothing at the moment, can I?" HA! Worst fight ever. You're on a reality show, Tanya. You're expected to pull her hair at the very least. Jade interviews that Tanya was really angry, and she thought she might hit Anastasija. Anastasija interviews "if she wants to do it, come on, I'm going to fight. I heff some experience fighting with the girls, and also that's fine, I'm not afraid of her at all." Amazing. Tanya calls Anastasija "lower than fucking dirt" and walks off. Anastasija interviews: "That's fine. I don't need to talk to her, she's not my friend." Tanya decides she's just not going to bother with Anastasija from now on. So I'm guessing those diamonds didn't patch up the hole in their friendship for very long, then?

Low-budget London porn, which means it's judging time. Julien arrives at BBC Television Centre, carrying a suit cover with "Dior" printed on it. Charley is looking at some printouts, which appear to be the "best shots" from the shoot. STOP RUINING THE MAGIC! Crazy Uncle Julien coos over someone's baby.

Voice of Fearne reminds us of judges. This week's guest judge is model and designer Jasmine Guinness. No Alek Wek? BOO. The girls troop in, and Elle introduces them all to "model, designer and toy-shop owner Jasmine Guinness", as if the last part has any relevance to what we're doing here. (Does anything? - Chris) Voice of Fearne reminds us of the prizes. Still no one believes that the Peugeot Coupé has any real connection to getting to castings, because I'm assuming the vast majority of castings in this country would be in London, and...good luck trying to get to anywhere in London on time if you're driving.

Elle reminds the girls that literally no one from the panel has seen them all week, apart from when Charley popped in for about five minutes to be the world's giggliest pimp. First up to be judged is Hannah. Elle thinks Hannah looks really confident, and Hannah says that going back to Ireland was really good. We see her shot, which is not all that remarkable. Crazy Uncle Julien says that "the eagle has landed, but I'm not sure which is the best bird in this picture." Oh, Crazy Uncle Julien. Never change. Elle commends Julien on his poetry. Jasmine likes the shot, and Grace thinks it's "nice", but she doesn't think "nice is the words that we want as adjectives here." Nos wes don'ts. Next, we have Imogen. The post-production on her picture has drained all the colour out of her and made her look like Skeletor, but it's still an interesting editorial shot, and she has excellent cheekbones. Charley says that it took him a while to make his mind up about it, because he couldn't decide if she was just sitting there looking scared, but he's now realised there is more to it. Elle loves the simplicity of the shot and thinks Imogen has done really well.

Jade's next, and her shot is pretty good, although her pose (hands on hips, hunched slightly forward) makes me think this is could be a commercial shot for a product designed to alleviate menstrual cramps. Jasmine thinks it's a strong editorial shot, and her face and body look amazing. Julien thinks the girl in front of him is fragile and soft, but the one in the picture is strong and empowering and YOUR EYES ARE LIKE DANGER. Seriously, at this point I just want to get drunk with Julien McDonald. It looks like so much fun. After that we have Jessica, who tells the judges that she didn't have good feedback from the girls. Grace pounces: "Do you care what the girls think? This is a competition." Jessica reflects that she doesn't really care what they think. Jessica's shot is not great, to my eyes - she has no leg, and her jawline (...and the rest - Chris) looks rather mannish. Elle loves it, though, and Jasmine thinks it's a very strong picture despite the challenging nature of the outfit.

Tanya's next, and Elle tells her that Yvonne and Barry thought she was emotionless and not present, which disappointed them. Tanya is emotionless and not present in response to this. We see the shot, which is rather regal and lovely. Jasmine thinks she's a "strong, fierce woman". Charley thinks the shot doesn't jump out.

Stupid mid-judging ad break. I hate these so much. Put it in front of the judging, put it between the judging and the callout, put it anywhere but DO NOT PUT IT HERE. Also, it's interesting how the earlier breaks were full of make-up and hair products, and this one has ads for toilet paper and Premier Inn.

When we return, it's Boring Stacey's turn. Her picture is awesome, but Stacey's all second-guessy and doesn't think her face is as strong as the other girls. Charley thinks the picture really works, and loves the shape she's come up with. Julien thinks she's a fantastic editorial girl because "you know how to wear clothes". As opposed to Anastasija, who clearly doesn't. Juste is next, and Elle recognises her as a challenge winner. She's wearing one of her winning outfits. Her picture is not great, though I think at least part of it is due to the restricting way she was perched on the stairs. Grace thinks the picture is clunky, and it looks like she's in a bit of a strop. Juste says that this is what the photographer asked her to do. Oh, Juste. NEVER SAY THAT. Doing what the photographer asks you to do is WRONG, except when it isn't. Don't you know that by now? Grace channels everyone's mum by asking if Juste would jump out of a window if the photographer told her to. "Yes, if she was a good model," Jasmine replies. Heh. Also, you told the contestants to jump off some scaffolding last year and they did, so shut up Grace. Jasmine thinks that the thin line between looking fierce and grumpy is very tough.

Holly's next, and Grace calls her out on her "half-arsed approach" as she walks towards them. Elle scolds her for always looking dour as she waits to see her photograph, and points out that the panel notice these things. Her best shot is not great - the dress looks fabulous, but her face is rubbish. Julien tells her she needs a bit more life. Elle tells her she looks bored, and she'll have to work on that. Following her is Anastasija, who gets points with me for clearly having been paying attention while Holly was being criticised for her lack of enthusiasm and full on WERKS her way down the catwalk to the judges. Her picture is great, and Elle loves the nonchalence. Charley says that he sees this nonchalence from her a lot, but it works here. Jasmine thinks it's perfect.

Witchy Saucy Amy is last. Grace asks why Amy is saucy, and Elle tattles on Amy for being a loose woman at the party. Her shot's a bit poor. Elle doesn't love the angle of her head. Jasmine thinks the clothes look great, but they could've looked better. Julien says that her shoulder is hiding her face and her bey-ooty of what she is.

Time to deliberate. Backstage, Amy sobs incoherently about having made a mess of things. Jessica hugs her. Back in the judging room, the judges are judging. Charley thinks Hannah isn't memorable, and Grace thinks she is "nice", whereas fashion is groundbreaking and provocative. Julien likes Imogen and thinks she looks like Robin Hood's girlfriend. Grace thinks she's more Joan Of Arc than Maid Marian. Elle thinks she has potential, and Grace agrees. Jade's shot gets rave reviews, and Charley thinks it's her first really strong shot. Jasmine thinks she could catch a wave. Julien thinks Jessica commands the shot, looking like a modern-day girl from Lord Of The Rings. Grace thinks Jessica has what it takes to be a top model. Elle thinks Stacey is frail and tiny, but still gives strong pictures. Grace thinks Stacey sums up what fashion photography is about. Charley thinks she has a great portfolio. Grace doesn't like Tanya's photo and thinks she's resting on her laurels. Julien thinks she's relying too much on her haircut. I LOVE YOU JULIEN. Juste's shot reveals that Elle was cross with her for arguing with Grace. Grace says she doesn't mind girls standing up for themselves as long as they're right, and Juste will need to pick her battles if she wants to last. Julien thinks she looks like a pantomime dame. Holly's days are numbered, Elle thinks. Julien thinks she needs a rocket up her bottom. Grace thinks she's more Blown By The Wind than Gone With The Wind. Charley chuckles that if she HAD WIND, at least it'd give her an expression. Oh Charley. Must you lower the tone? Witchy Saucy Amy is growing on Charley, but Grace feels the opposite. Charley thinks Anastasija is a lucky cow, and if she's given another brief and does the same thing again, she is DUNZO. Elle loves the ease and the impishness of the picture. They have MADE A DECISION.

Elle has ten beautiful girls before her, but only nine photographs in her hand. The girls who are still in the running towards becoming Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model are: Jade, Stacey, Anastasija (who is warned to up her game next week lest she start looking bored rather than nonchalent), Imogen, Jessica, Juste, Tanya and Holly. This leaves Hannah and Witchy Saucy Amy in the bottom two. Elle says they're there for different reasons - Amy is intriguing and divides the judges, but they need more intrigue in her pictures. Hannah is consistent - never the top, never the bottom, she's just nice. So who gets the final picture? Amy, of course, because nice is the kiss of death on this show. Hannah interviews that she doesn't want to go home, but she'll just try to make it on her own. *sings empowering eleven o'clock number*

We see her nice portfolio of niceness, and then she fades out. Coming up next week: the models interview The Wanted (or The Wanting, according to Witchy Saucy Amy) and take on a ballet-inspired photoshoot. Also, everyone hates Juste. Should be fun!

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