Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Britain's Next Top Illegal Emmigrant

Top 5: 5th September 2011

Previously on BINT-MODEL : I wasn't recapping, so actual interesting things happened. Tanya threw a benny over having to do an underwater shoot and then hung around for the next 40 minutes or so, wondering if she might be eliminated later for this. She was. Meanwhile in the same shoot Jessica surpassed anyway by coming on to a turtle. Later the girls all did a photoshoot with Nicky Scouse-Face which was enlivened by the Axis rubbing onions on their faces to produce fake tears. This OUTRAGED Nicky Scouse-Face but nobody else cared. Oh and also there was a round-table where Elle squeezed the girls most unsubtly for sob-stories and boasted about how she was better than her own teenage-mum mother. Oh and ALSO Katie Price turned up and shouted VIYUW! and JOGGON! and was generally even worse than Grace. And ANOTHER THING - Stacey then went home.

Coming up : I'm recapping again so, you know, probably nothing interesting's going to happen.


The girls return to BINTMansions from last week's traumatising elimination, rolling their suitcases behind them. Juste's apparently weighs a ton, and poor Anastasija is stuck at the back, carrying hers single-handedly, wearing exactly the same expression I always wear when I get stuck behind tourists at Paddington. JUST PICK IT UP, WEAKLINGS. Still she's got the good temper to call an Axis meeting and yell "WE'RE TOP 5! COME ON!" at Juste. Juste is not quite so excited. To be fair, you have to wonder what Juste would have to do to NOT make TOP 5! given that she almost sort of looks a bit like a model. Which, out of this cast, is a big thing. She says that TOP 5! was always her minimum goal, and now she wants to make Top 2. Anastasija shoves her out of the way and says "NO! I WANT TO WIN!" and it collapses in mock-giggling.

Meanwhile, probable actual winner Jade says that TOP 5! is the first time she's really thought she might to be able to win the whole competition. All she has to do is stay focused and keep on taking good photos. Jessica jokes that she can't see any reason for anybody out of the TOP 5! other than her to win the show. [<3 - Helen] Juste also wants to win. Imogen's thoughts on whether she can win are not recorded. Probably for the best.

At least she gets to read out this week's E-Mail. Beforehand though, she gurns about how weird it is to be only reading this out to four other girls. Because, did they mention, this week is TOP 5!? To be honest Imogen, I'd get used to it, because four people is probably the sort of audience you can expect to perform to as BINT-MODEL. The tortuous labyrinth of puns in the E-Mail tells the girls really quickly that this week's first photo-shoot is for a beauty shot. Apparently this is something Juste guessed beforehand. Woo.

Imogen tells us all in interview that as soon as they worked out it was a beauty shot, all the girls ran upstairs to apply moisturiser/spike all of the other girls moisturisers with poison ivy, like in a Mallory Towers novel. This is accompanied by a little montage of the Axis Beauty Camp with Juste talking the other members of the TOP 5! through a moisturising routine in a phony-baloney RP accent, and everyone thendoing the Anastasija "lion-face" she did in her Pulitzer-winning interview with The Wanted/Wanting/One Thing. Now that Tanya's gone, everyone seems to be getting on. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT?!

Next morning, the girls leave BINTMansion and head for Holborn Studios, where they meet Carly O'Connor, who is the marketing manager for Revlon, and hence will be working with the BINT-MODEL after she wins. To her credit, she does not take one look at the line-up in front of her and burst into tears. She tells them that their beauty-shot is for Revlon's webfolio and the theme is "on-trend lip and nail". Well how buzz-speaky. They need to look young, fresh, and...other words that all wind up meaning the same thing. Their photographer for the day is Seb Winter. He looks a bit like that one that was always in The Catherine Tate Show before it just became Catherine screaming "NOUN BOVVERED NOUN BOVVERED NOUN BOVVERED!" directly into your face for half an hour a week.

The Revlon make-up team descend on the girls, and buff up their cuticles good and proper. Jade says she's very excited about the beauty shot, because the judges have told her she's got a beautiful face. Thanks Jade! Juste shows off a set of terrifying looking talons, and Jessica says that she's never done a beauty shot before, but she has practised a lot in the mirror. Thanks Jessica! Imogen says she's excited, but Anastasija is worried, because the judges keep on calling her out for only having one facial expression. To be fair, that's just Charley, and who cares what he thinks? Really? [Clearly nobody, they treat him like he's there because he's won a competition - Helen]

Jessica is up first, and she complains that going first was probably the worst thing that could happen to her. You know, other than getting shot. Her shoot is alright, although her poses aren't helping her natural draggyness. It's all a little Paris Is Burning. Carly tells Jessica that they're getting a lot of lip, and not a lot of nail, and could Jessica maybe fix that? Jessica does so, and then the shoot is over. Both Carly and Seb agree that Jessica only really came to life at the end of the shoot.

Juste is next, and she rocks it, in a Duran Duran video girl sort of way. Everyone just gushes about how amazing she looks. Anastasija follows, channelling Kirsten Dunst as hard as she can. She gets decent reviews on set, but upon looking at the pictures, Carly and Seb decide she is in fact a secret fug. The fact that Carly was shooting daggers at her for the entire shoot might also be influencing her decision here. Maybe she sat through How To Lose Friends And Alienate People?

Fourth on set is Imogen. Her beauty shot poses are very chat-line. Lots of clutching the ear and the hip and giving the camera come to bed/the back seat of your Ford Cortina eyes. She gets good reviews from Carly and Seb, and says that she really enjoyed the shoot. Last to go is Jade, who has a glossy damson lip-stick on that is really over-powering the rest of her face. Oh God, sorry, almost sounded like I thought that I knew what I was going on about there. Hang on. Jade has pretty face but is not fierce enough so Carly tell her to be more fierce and to own it and then she does. Hooray! [I think Jade's got this in the bag, but then again, I thought that about Charlotte this time last year so why listen to me? - Helen]

There we go.

Shoot over, Carly and Seb both agree that it looks like today was full of surprises, and now the competition is really close again. How the screw would they know how close it's been? Have they been watching from their sky-pools a la the Gods in Clash Of The Titans? Anyway, Carly calls all the girls together and tells them that the day was full of surprises! They found two really strong players! Juste and Jade! And they're both going to win a prize! A trip each to London Fashion Week!

I know "day of surprises" to me says "Juste and Jade are identified as the two best ones". I also wonder how Carly's friends react to being spoken to like this! All the time! Although maybe that's just for tv!

Take That BURST into life on the soundtrack, as Jade tells us that she's always wanted to go to London Fashion Week, and Juste says that she's really proud and that this proves she really can achieve something in modelling. Woo. How inspiring.

The girls return to BINTMansion, and Juste tells us all that as soon as they got back, all the girls decided to totally spontaneously just sit down and have a cup of tea in front of the giant plasma screen. I often do that after a long hard day's work standing still and pawing at my own face. Apparently the theme of this chat was "Juste is amazing and naturally beautiful and amazing and smells of jasmine and birds sudddenly appear every time she is near". I'm wondering if this segment is being related through Axis Rashomon. Anastasija pops up next to tell us that, wonder upon wonders, the plasma tv TURNED ON! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT?

It's Elle! She's being driven along the streets of London, and tells the girls she's sorry that she can't be there to see them wiggle around in their new-found TOP 5! status, but she's on the way to the airport. Basically what follows is a really circumlocutory ramble informing the girls that to go to the airport she needs a passport. To get out of the country. Also she needs a visa. She was born in the 1960s. She hasn't got many stamps on her passport because her passport is new... Hey, also, they might need a passport. Because they are going to the airport. Because they're going to Miami. As part of the show. For a foreign visit. As the show does. Imagine getting proposed to by Hugh Grant. It's that rambly and disappointing. [I keep hoping for Elle to take a leaf out of cycle 2 Tyra's book and rap this whole bit, but I'm always disappointed. - Steve]

Everyone does their best to look excited given that they probably worked all this crap out after the first line. Jade does the best at it. Imogen just kind of opens her mouth and hopes this will do. Jessica cries and Anastasija gives her a big hug. THE AXIS CARES! In interview the non-Axis 3 sing "Miami" by Will Smith, and Jessica is the only one who can really do the Spanish bit (RELEVANT FUTURE PLOT POINT!). Anastasija interviews that she's going to walk into Miami with a big smile on her face (OOPS!), Jade says she now has a 1 in 5 chance of winning, Imogen says the competition really starts here, Juste was shocked, because she's always dreamed of going to Miami, and Jessica thinks it's going to be huge, but she's ready for it (future porn shoot? That's pretty much 90% of the industry in Miami isn't it?)

(*advertisement break*)

After Mother Nature's gift of a period is foiled once again (how appropriate for this show), we are back, as the soundtracking department of the obvious plays "Holiday" by Dizzee Rascal over the top of scenes of the girls all packing their best holiday clothes. Imogen is packing lots of shoes, Juste is fully turning herself into a T4 presenter with wickerwork hat and shades, Jessica says she's heard that Miami is really hot so...she packs a big bulky leather jacket. OK Jessica.

This fun packing time is interrupted by a VISIT from her our HAIRDRESSER, PAUL! That's the emphasis that Anastasija puts on the sentence anyway. She's not in shot, so maybe she was narrating this bit during her cavity search at Heathrow Airport. Turns out Paul's there to wash the pink crap out of Anastasija's hair. I hope he was subsequently dispatched to relieve Witch-Face Amy of what Julien did to her. Anastasija lies that she'll miss her pink hair, but she is happy to be going back to being blonde, because that's been her hair colour since she was born.

Back in the room, Imogen looks forward to the sun, Juste says that she really wants to win now, Jessica jokes that she wants to win more than ANY of these other girls, in fact she wants it more than ANYTHING in the WORLD. Oh hurry up and get to Miami already.

Is anyone bored of lots of shots of the judges arriving places yet? Yes? Good. Here are some more. First we get some establishing shots of Miami. By which I mean semi-attractive people walking on the beach. Then we see Elle pulling up the show's Miami Base, Fontaine Bleau, and wanders in with her usual slack-jawed expression. Charley and Julien arrive together next, with Julien charging through the door jigging like Animal from The Muppets screaming "WELCOME TO MIAMI! FONTAINE BLEAU!". Oh Julien. Last to turn up is Grace. I honestly assumed she was jet-lagged/hung over, but apparently she's playing the role of a Miami diva. Oh dear.

But wait! What's this? A DRAMATIC TURN OF EVENTS?! That's right, Anastasija's passport has been rejected at the airport. We see her walking out in the middle of the night with her bags and a sad face on, as tinkly piano music of tears plays in the background. She says that she feels really upset, and that this could only happen to her. She really doesn't want to give the girls hope that, just because her passport was rejected, she might be eliminated from the competition. Maybe you shouldn't have put "Killing Bitches Dead For The Glory Of The Axis" under your occupation Anastasija?

We see a montage of Anastasija shots, but she doesn't disappear from the pre-series group shot with that "JHUSH!" noise, so we all know this means nothing. Jessica gets her thesaurus out and sadly interviews that this is "a mysterious and surreal situation that nobody could have anticipated". To be fair, she doesn't specify what this relates to, so it's probably a post-show interview about how Imogen won. Imogen says that Anastasija did really well to make TOP 5!, so this must be sad for her. Jade interviews that she's really close to Anastasija (ha! she wishes!) so she knows this is really gutting for her. Juste holds out hope that this is not the end for the axis. Anastasija curls up in her hotel room and cries herself to sleep. Baw. [It's clearly a Travelodge or similar as well. This show is so fucking cheap. - Steve]

Back to Miami now, and the producers call a "crisis meeting" to discuss the future of the competition without Anastasija (what future of the competition without Anastasija?). I really hope the solution is "do all the same photoshoots as the rest of the girls, but in Croydon". Work that plastic crocodile Anastasija! Work the danger! Anyway, the "crisis meeting" is some producer meeting the judges in the hotel bar and telling them that, oops, Anastasija's passport turned out to be for a 80 year old Chinese man from Hackney. So she can't come to Miami. Elle asks if this means she can still come to Miami, and the producer clarifies that no she can't. Yet. Elle groans "oh no, this is as disaster" and they edit out the bit where she says "does this mean this shit is going to last one week less? I'm still getting paid right?". Anyway, in fact, the competition is to continue as if nothing has happened whilst the producers...try to sort something out.

Cut to the girls driving in open-top cars through sunn...drizzly Miami! WOOOOOO! After they all dance around on the backseat like LA 7, the cars pull up at Fontaine Bleau, where the girls are greeted by a red carpet, and about 20 bell-boys and girls in swimsuits. Oh and the hotel manager, who is clearly pissed. After slurring his way through some guff about how Marilyn Monroe had a NOTORIOUS affair with Frank Sinatra and President Obama in the cocktail lounge, he gives the girls the keys to the Presidential Suite. They'll be cleaning it up every day this week starting 9am. GOOD LUCK GOILS!

Not really, they're staying in it, and they all run around it screaming and throwing themselves on the furniture. I thought we got this over with in Week 1? THERE ARE SUN-LOUNGERS! AND A POOOOOOOOOOOOL! AND BEDDDDDDDS! AND A SHOWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! AND MIRRRRRRORRRRRRRRRRRRS! AND COAT HANGGGGGGGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSS! Imogen interviews that all this luxury is just madness! Madness!

After everyone's done screaming, the girls "find" an E-Mail floating on an inflatable in the pool. It tells them that, because they've just arrived, Elle's giving them all the day off to sample the Miami Beach lifestyle. Oh good, more filler.

It turns out Charley has sourced more male models from out of his pimpery. They emerge from the sea and greet the girls for a game of beach volleyball. I feel a bit sorry for the one who was sent home because Anastasija's passport turned out to be dissolvable. Especially as he must be less good-looking than this fairly sorry bunch. One of them has Bieber hair and a pubestache.

Anyway, the girls play beach volleyball, Girls Aloud plays on the soundtrack, Imogen and Jade suck, the girls win anyway, everyone runs around squealing in their bikinis, and this is the most pointless segment in even this 90% pointless series. Nobody even cops of with anyone or anything.

Next day now, and Jessica and Imogen tell us that it was straight back to business with their next photoshoot. They all roll up to basically a play-pretend Florida everglades set, where they meet Charley. He tells them that this is Magic City Farm, where they will be doing a photoshoot for Company Magazine. Speaking of which, here is Victoria White. She's the editor of Company Magazine, and has somehow wangled herself this as a freebie. Ah, the perks of being an editor. She just about rattles off that this will be an editorial shoot and that, as they are the TOP 5! she expects a lot of them, before sprinting off to do margaritas at Set Miami.

Charley closes out this segment of the episode by telling the girls that they will be working with a male model on this shoot....IT'S HIM! CHARLEY SPEED![is there anything he won't do to get close to them? - Helen] It would have been those guys from yesterday, but they've all been fired/killed for failing to provide any interesting footage whatsoever. One of them could at least have turned out to be racist or something.

(*advertisement break*)

After I wonder why they didn't get Amy in to do a tie-in endorsement for Witch Beauty Products, it's back to the photoshoot. Everyone is getting made-up and Imogen worries about the added pressure of having Charley as their male model on the shoot. So long as you nudge him occasionally to remind him to breathe, you should be fine Imogen. Sat on the sidelines meanwhile, Charley groans disinterestedly about how given that we're at TOP 5! he's expecting big things today. Eh, don't get your hopes up.

First on set is Juste, in a hat, white sleeveless shirt, and flowery pants. From the waist up she looks like you could drop her right in Razorlight and nobody would notice. Although to be fair, would anybody notice anything Razorlight did these days? She poses around sexily on the front porch of a shack as Charley slumps in a doorway. She too talks about all the added pressure of having Charley on set (in modelling I imagine you'd have to get used to that BAD'UM TISH!) but she thinks the shoot went fine. Charley agrees, and tells her she gave good variation. Off-set Victoria thinks Juste's shots are the best she's seen in her 5 years of ligging off the bac...working with BINT-MODEL.

Imogen next, and she's posing with Charley on the back of a vintage American car. She looks mumsier than ever. She rolls about a bit on the boot, but Victoria tells her she needs to be more carefree and playful with the shoot. She's over-thinking it apparently, and Charley coaches her through looking natural on camera. *snort*. Once she's done, Imogen says that she really enjoyed the shoot, and she wasn't at all nervous. Off-set Victoria basically says the shoot was like pulling teeth, and she was far too nervous on set. Charley agrees that she was stiff from the start, but everyone agrees that there may well be a decent shot in there, if they burrow hard enough.

Next up is Jade, who is doing a soft and romantic shot apparently. She's sat in a rusty old porch chair whilst Charley tries to look Southern and brooding at the side. Unfortunately for her Victoria decides that Charley is stealing the shot from her (let's face it, Charley couldn't steal the shot even if someone else through a breezeblock through the window first), and so they "have to" move him away from her to let her shine. Afterwards the shoot crew agree that Jade allowed to be magic to be stolen by the hurricane of charisma of Charley Speed, and they expected more from her. Her face was alright though.

Jessica closes us off, by sitting on yet more battered old garden furniture, making this look like a photoshoot for B & Q vintage more than Company Magazine. She seems to get into the groove of the shoot fairly quickly, and then does that thing where her totally natural interaction with Charley yields a better shot than the artificial world of model poses ever could. Afterwards everyone says how surprised they were with how good Jessica was, but Victoria says she looks like a grown-up, with boobs and hips and everything, and therefore is far too old for Company magazine. BOO MATURE WOMANHOOD!

Back at Fontaine Bleau now, and the girls have found another E-Mail. Jessica dubs it the "E-Mail of DOOM" and yes, it's telling them to prepare for the taste of a Miami Elimination! It's just like a normal elimination, but with Charley swearing he didn't know the guest judge was a man. *zip*. Oh, and apparently it's going to take place in the girls' hotel room. How cheap!

Interviews : Jade can't believe someone's going home already, Imogen feels awful, Juste isn't very confident in herself but thinks she'll stay, Jessica thinks there's so much more she can do on the show than she's done this far. But then she's always felt like that. I've kind of had the same feeling Jessica, but about...well everybody on the show. And every thing.

Anyway, next everyone sits around and talks about how unfair it would be if Anastasija was allowed to continue whilst one of them got sent home. I kind of like the idea of Anastasija just sitting in her hotel room watching Tom & Jerry for a month then having Grace pop her head round the door and say "Oh by the way, you've won". Jessica goes one step further than the rest, saying that she thinks Anastasija should be eliminated for this transgression against international law whatever happens.

I do think it's odd that a (n admittedly possibly pretend) phobia is enough to get someone voted off, but not being professional enough to get your travel documents sorted properly when you've been told months in advance to do so isn't. Then again, Tanya sucked and Anastasija rocks so who cares? [I blame the show. They clearly screened people's travel documentation when they booted Bible Brenda, so they should've properly checked that Anastasija was clear at the same time. - Steve]

Fiftieth montage this series of the judges getting ready. Fifteith time I don't care. Julien and Charley do their usual cutesy flirt-bickering wherein Julien calls Charley a tree. Joining them this week is Olivia Palermo. Who's that? She looks like Olivia Lee crossed with a sloth. Apparently she's a socialite? I'm sorry, I don't mine much further down in The Hills lore than Speidi. [Apparently she was the only good thing about Whitney's spin-off. I wouldn't know - like you, if there's no Heidi, I'm not interested. - Steve] The girls hotel room has been tarted up with a plasma screen and some flowers for the occasion, and said girls are then led in, in slow-mo, with Fearne Cotton voicing over.

Elle starts by reminding them that Anastasija is not here, but they're going to look at her beauty shot anyway, because it's crap, and that's always good for a laugh. She also recaps the prizes, like anyone could forget. Models 1, Company magazine, Sandals Royal Plantation Resort, Peugeot RCZ, Revlon, Miss Selfridge etc etc. I have checked, and they're not quietly chipping them away as the show's run gets more lengthy and disastrous. Yet.

Elle tells the girls that they will be looking at both their beauty and editorial shots this week, and asks the girls how it was "working" with Charley Speed. They all say it was amazing, and then Grace jokes that their cheques are now in the mail. Like any of them are getting paid for this nonsense. Ever again. This said, the girls are all dispatched bar Jessica, as apparently their evaluations are one-on-one this week. So now, not only are we not getting elimination reaction shots, we're not getting ANY reaction shots. BOO! How much better would this series have been if the Axis were allowed to stand there cackling their heads off when Tanya got cut? MUCH. That's how much.

(*advertisement break*)

After I wonder what the benefits would have to be to put up with being friends with Justin Timberlake, we are back, with Jessica's evaluation.

Her beauty shot is first, and it's not bad, although her hands are a bit awkward. Grace shoves her chin into her neck and wobbles "YOU LOOK EXPENSEHVE!" in her very best Julien McDonald voice. The effect is more Marjory The Trash Heap than anything else. It might be the Indian restaurant wallpaper she donned as a dress. Julien proclaims that he really wants to eat her, because she looks so gorgeous and healthy. He thinks she epitomises everything about being a woman, like he'd know. Olivia Thingy really likes her eyes and thinks she worked with the camera well.

The editorial next, and Jessica is asked how it was working with Charley. She gives a very job interview "problem-solution" answer saying she thought it'd be stressful, but actually it turned out fine. The photo is revealed, and it looks a bit like Charley is luring a lady of the night into his everglades cabin. A lady of the night with a secret. Also, it might just be the dress, but it looks like she's got a bit of a sweat-patch going on. Elle says it looks like they're either having a Mexican stand-off, or they're just about to go and shag. Grace says it's beautiful and gentle, and tells Jessica that she surprises her every week. The bar for "surprise" on this show is set awfully low.

Once she's out the room, Julien says that this beauty shot was much better than her last one, but then Elle and Olivia Thingy bitch about her shots were dull and forgettable. Why not say that to her face? Was that not the point of the one-on-one evaluation? Oh...never mind, here's Juste.

Her beauty shot is up first, and it's a bit awkward. Her face looks great (if a bit conky) but the hand placement is very forced and 80s. Everyone loves it anyway. Elle asks Juste if she's ever practised this pose, and Juste says no - she copied it from somewhere else. For legal purposes she "can't remember where from" though. Both Elle and Olivia thing gush over it, as they do her editorial shot. Juste jokes that she tried her hardest because she knew mean ol Charley would try and steal the show from her, and Charley smiles at her and says she was by far the easiest girl to work with. Julien loves how tom-boyish it is. Which he quite fancies. Grace gets all "OOH CAREFUL AT THE AFTERPARTY AROUND JULIEN, JUSTE!" and then Julien announces he's never actually been gay HO HO AS IF, OF COURSE HE'S A MASSIVE BENDER, and everyone falls about laughing until Olivia Thingy breaks it to monotone that she thinks this could easily be a double-page shot. She'd definitely put it on her "inspiration board". Is that what Americans call a wank bank?

Outside, Juste crows to all the other girls about how nice the feedback she got was, particularly Olivia Thing. Back in the room, Julien says she's not the most beautiful girl in the competition, Grace wonders if she's really a top model, and Elle says she really need to develop a better personality. She needs more spark!

Next up is Jade. Elle asks her if she's enjoying this free holiday. Jade says yes. Her beauty shot is up first and her freckles are officially out of control. They're easily the most unique and striking thing about her face, so I am of course left wondering why nobody ever mentions them. Charley for instance chooses to go on about her eyes. Julien tells her she really stands out, and her face really tells a story. Unfortunately, her editorial shot tells a picture as well, and it's one out of a Katie Price novel. Speaking of which, Grace decides to take a judging-trick from her and honks "THAT'S VILE!"

Jade says that she agrees, and she and Charley discuss how she was expecting to come into the shoot and to try and be edgy, given that it was an editorial shoot, but then she was told to be soft and romantic, and it threw her off, never to recover. Olivia Thing says that she quite likes the shot, but her body is awkward. Elle asks Jade if she can win, Jade says yes, on the proviso that she really goes for it. She then begs to have one more chance, and Elle says she'll see. Jade sprints outside and goes to cry on Juste's shoulder.

Back in the room the judges reiterate that her beauty shot was good, but her editorial shot was bad bad bad. However Elle says she's always delivered up to now, and then Grace starts on going on about something called Facehunter, which apparently is something in the current fashion world that is analogous to Jade's look. I guess it shows how suitable I am to recap this show that I have no idea what that is. Apparently it's street fashion, or fashion worn by people just walking through their neighbourhoods or something? *shrug* Maybe she meant Basshunter.

Imogen closes our evaluations, and Elle mocks her for skipping merrily into the judging room. Her beauty shot is first, and her face looks better than it ever has but her hands, as Grace points out, are utterly random. Her left hand in particular looks like a dummy hand someone is poking into shot, much to Imogen's annoyance. Charley jokes that it is "literally heavy-handed". Nobody cares. Imogen's editorial shot is next and she looks super-trashy in it. Like she's just been caught in the middle of a sexy murder. Charley tells her that she got lucky with this picture, because the rest of her shoot was garbage. Julien congratulates her on how sexy she looks, and also has a side-perve on Charley. Elle tells her she had a really great week as she left.

Once she leaves, the judges talk about how surprised they were over everything this week. Surprised, surprised, endlessly surprised over nothing.

Quickly we go over Anastasija's beauty shot. It's awful. Her eyes are looking in completely different directions, one of her nostrils looks glued shut and is retreating up her face, her hair's all lop-sided and she's resting the whole edifice really awkwardly on her fingers. Everyone talks up how dreadful it is (it really is), and Charley reiterates his (ironically) sole criticism about Anastasija's sole facial expression. Upon this, Elle has decided that they have all made their collective decision. The girls all file back in, and it turns out that this decision is...

it's a non-elimination week! Woo! Dance-party! Everyone breathes a sigh of relief, and the judges all applaud. Elle pats herself on the back for her benificence and they all depart to the pool. Julien touches Olivia Thing all the way out the door, and she looks profoundly uncomfortable. Just before they leave Julien tries to get Grace to flash her vagina to the camera she demures.

All the girls interview how glad they are to still be in, and that this week was a non-elimination. Maybe for them. I'm going to take this gap to declare myself eliminated from the season (not because it's rubbish I hasted to add, but because my portion of the recapping duties are now sated). Thank you to Steve and Helen for inviting me, anyone reading for reading, and to all of the contestants (let's face it, particularly the Axis) for making this series semi-watchable. I'm going to leave with a half-arsed entirely wrong prediction as to how this is going to shake out :

1. Jade
2. Juste
3. Jessica
4. Anastasija
5. Imogen

I know, I know. Really putting my neck on the line there.

Next week : ANASTASIJA IS BACK! Probably...

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