Britain's Next Top Saleisha Stowers

Top 4: 19^th September 2011

Hello and welcome to the penultimate week of this current series. As far as we know it’s the penultimate week but they seem to be making it up as they go along so WHO KNOWS. The good news is that there’s no live final this year. This is a good news/bad news situation as the good news is that not one of us three has to recap an hour and a half of the most cringeworthy television in existence, but the bad news is that without David Berry there to ask everyone every five minutes, how on earth are we going to know how everyone is feeling?

And so to business. Last week, the only thing that matters was that Jessica was thrown under a reality TV bus. Well, more of those juggernaut tour bus things that you get in America. Anyway, this bus had “COMPANY MAGAZINE” written all over it, who have never made a secret of the fact that they think she has a bit of a Florence and the Machine oldface vibe about her so a shitty photo was procured and excuses made up. But this programme, particularly this series, has never had a vibe of the truth about it so I don’t know what I expected. Anastasija came back and only her partner in evil was happy about it. [By which you mean me, yes? - Steve]

This week: REAL REALITY GO SEES. Someone doesn’t know their size, fashion shows with professionals, Elle makes everyone cry and a beach shoot in swimwear.

Prizes! Far too many shots of Tiffunuh. [You can NEVER have too many shots of Tuffnuh. - Steve]

We are told who the top four are. Will it be Imogen, Jade, Anasasija or Juste eliminated tonight? There’s only one way to find out...

Shit titles. Is it possible that they have aged ten years in the course of the series? They look worse than the ones from the first couple of seasons and that’s saying something.

We see Jess getting hit by that bus again, Final destination style. Anastasija interviews that her being in the final four is fantastic for everyone but especially her <3. We see her high fiving the others in a grainy segment that indicates it’s from last week. Imogen high fives her without looking at her. They then have a group hug in which Imogen does not change her expression from “I R BOARD”. Jade wins the Miss Disingenuous prize for pulling a face of blissful happiness. Oh Jade, I hope you got a good deal on your soul.

Jade tells us AGAIN that she was scouted at the Bintmodel live show; just to tell us all that IT COULD BE US NEXT YEAR. I feel that it’s pertinent at this juncture to tell you a little story about a girl named Saleisha. Saleisha entered America’s Top Model in Cycle 9. Saleisha only had the confidence to enter ANTM because she’d been to Tyra’s Confidence Camp. (That is actually a real thing). Saleisha was a bit rubbish. We were repeatedly told that Saleisha wasn’t rubbish at all. Saleisha won because of the power of Tyra’s Confidence Camp. Saleisha basically won as an extended advert for team Tyra. They are doing this to Jade to fill seats in the Excel centre so they can make lots of money and line the pockets of Sky Living. Jade is a beautiful girl and I’m by no means taking away from her beauty and her modelling Skills but she is by no means he modelling powerhouse we’re being told she is.

Rant over. [If I may just add a footnote, I think it's also worth adding that Saleisha is arguably the least popular ANTM winner of all time, including Nicole from cycle five who was liked by precisely no one, so this does not bode well for Jade. - Steve]

Juste thinks that it’s an achievement just to get into the competition and is happy to be in the top four, as is Imogen. She just wants to win it now, and every person she knocks off just takes her further. You can only do Charley once, Imogen.

Gratuitous Miami Shots.

Cut to Juste just holding the E-Mail. They’re not even giving any pretence now. It reads “Hello girls, tomorrow I thought it would be fun for you to “go see” some more of Miami. Be ready for nine O’clock” I see what she did there, as do the girls. Juste announces she’s not eating until tomorrow. Healthy.

Jade interviews that Juste is probably her biggest competition as she’s done them before. Juste thinks that Jade will do well because she has a different look and she thinks that they’ll like this in Miami. If that little soundbite from Juste had a smell, it would be ‘duress’.

*Song 4 Mutya Klaxon*

The girls take ‘Be ready for 9’ as ‘Sit in some sunloungers in slightly different clothes facing away from the doors and wait’. Grace arrives in the apartment and greets them with a “Hello Pussycats”. She’s here to leave them with a map, a compass and a survival kit I hope. Grace tells them that they probably know that the way they behave and perform at go-sees is as important as anything else, so bearing that in mind they’re going to see Next agency, which is one of the biggest in the world, followed by Red Carter Swimwear who are, you know, cool. We’re told the challenge winner will be getting a two thousand dollar shopping trip. Everyone looks stunned at this, apart from Anastasija who just looks at Juste and laughs. Anastasija is probably well used to Russian millionaires spending that kind of chump change on her. Juste’s shocked face is a thing of beauty and entirely hammed up for the camera.

Grace hands them their portfolio and wishes them luck. Anastasija thinks that it’s the best challenge so far and Juste HAS TO WIN. We see them sat in the modelcar. Juste, Jade and Imogen sit together in the middle row whilst Anastasija is on her own in the back. Jade tells the other girls she’s excited about the go sees. Imogen just says “yeah”. Juste is more interested in her portfolio. She says that it’s interesting to finally have them because she hasn’t seen some of the pictures. She announces that she’s going to change the order of them and Imogen and Jade look like they think they should too. Imogen interviews that Juste was very confident on the way over and Jade interviews that Juste thinks she’s won the competition already. Imogen interviews that Juste didn’t even seem bothered.

First go see is with Next Model agency. We meet Grace Puc and Ron Gerard. At this point I am incensed by the fact that 1. The girls get delivered to the right place on time in the modelcar, and 2. Grace is with them. THIS IS NOT THE ORDER OF THINGS. I want a time limit. I want overt sabotage of each other. I want someone getting a LOOK OF DOOM for daring to get stuck on the underground and missing the deadline by seconds. [Agreed. What kind of fuckery was this, exactly? I know this year's winner gets a car to "drive to those all-important castings", but at the very least they should have forced them to get stuck in traffic, because Lord knows if they're planning to drive to modelling agencies in central London, that's what they've got to look forward to. - Steve]

Grace P and Ron ask for the first girl. Anastasija leaps up and hands over her portfolio. She interviews that she was very happy and smiley because they like that in America. Jade next. Grace P loves her freckles. They ask her how long she’s been modelling. She replies that she’s only ever done it for the competition. “Oh wow” says Ron. Grace leans on the wall with her arms folded the entire time with a pimp look that says “how do you like my bitches”. Juste is up next. Ron asks her how long she’s had short hair for. She says one month and she used to have long blonde hair with a faraway look in her eyes. Ron asks her if she likes the change. She lies. Grace then asks Imogen how her hair used to be. She tells them. Ron asks her if she misses it. She says that she only notices when she brushes her hair, but quickly adds that she loves the new look.

Back to Anastasija. Grace P tells her, in a suddenly Mancunian accent, that her hair looks a little over-processed and it’s yellow at the back. She resists blaming it on Julien. Grace then goes on to ask the rest of the girls their measurements. None of them know. Imogen has a stab. Ron tells them all that they should know. Imogen then interviews that she should’ve known her size and she should have thought about learning them, but she wasn’t to know they were going to ask but she should have thought about it. Eh?

We then see Grace W chatting to Grace P and Ron. They are mainly all about the girls not knowing their size whilst Ron tries not to look at Grace W’s chest. They liked Anastasija, think that Juste is a bit too severe for their market and is more Milan than Miami. They love Jade for Miami and they’re not sure about Imogen.

Outside, Grace is in full pimp mode and asks all the girls to turn round. Jade is the only one that shows any indication that she realises the absurdity of this request. Grace then punishes her bitches by smacking them on the bum for not knowing their sizes.

Back in the modelcar, Anastasija is still in the naughty seat. Jade announces that they’ve never done swimwear before, and she thought that they would’ve by this stage in the competition. Who needs the Fearne the pointless voiceover with little unscripted moments like that, eh? We see swimwear on the rails with the Red Carter label on them. Imogen interviews that it was great to meet Red because he was strange and quirky. Red introduces himself. He is quirky. Jade interviews that he was short and ginger, presumably because we don’t have eyes. She thinks the ginger might go in her favour.

Red asks Juste what size she is. She parrots off all her sizes but in centimetres. Everyone knows that’s not how it’s done in America. Grace does a proud face. Daddy is pleased. Juste interviews that she did her best and gave him a walk with the emotion that he wanted. She did everything. On to Jade. Red loves her freckles and wants to know about her tattoo. Jade says that she wants to have it removed. Red thinks it’s lovely. Jade is happy to have done well in the challenge as she’s mostly mentioned as someone who stands out but she’s not a winner. Anastasija next. She’s taken the Pimps and Hoes element of this segment too far and does a walk that can only be described as Hoochie. Red tells her that she’ll have to work on her walk and give it a little less leg and make it stronger. Anastasija interviews that this was the FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE she has been criticised. On my walk, she adds quickly. Imogen thinks she should take this advice on board. Like you’re in a position to criticise anyone, Imogen. She’s next. She reels off her measurements like a good girl. Red just thanks her.

Grace and Red have a little chat about her girls. Red thought Anastasija would blow him away but he didn’t love her. Jade resonated for him because her tattoo gave her a personality. [Because there are no boring people with tattoos anywhere in the world. - Steve] Juste surprised him because she didn’t have a swimwear body and he thought that Imogen was commercial and sassy but he wanted more attitude. Grace thanks him and Red thanks her for coming because it was exciting.

Coming up! The Axis do some bitching (yay!) and Julien surprises the girls at the catwalk shoot (meh) and Jade cries (yawn).

Adverts! Elle's advertising Revlon. That Sainsburys advert with the wee boy and his dad makes my ovaries hurt. ANTM! Tyra is ditching casting week. LEARN FROM THIS, BINTMODEL.

And we’re back.

Grace and the girls are back at the hotel. Grace calls them her kittens and tells them how pleased she was with them today. Jade looks smug. Juste looks doubtful. Grace tells them that Next loved Anastasija and Jade and that they could both work well in Miami. They thought that Juste was more edgy and would work better in Europe. Imogen isn’t mentioned. She tells them that Imogen was Red’s second choice but that he loved Jade above them all. He loved both their bodies and their attitudes. Hang on, didn’t he say not five minutes ago he felt that Imogen’s attitude was lacking? I can’t keep up. Grace tries to inject some tension into proceedings but it’s clear that Jade has this in the bag. Next models said that they would offer one of the girls a contract regardless of the outcome of the competition. It’s Jade. Surprise. Grace announces that she can take a friend shopping and Imogen jumps on her. So, she’s taking Imogen then. Grace tells her that it’s a big deal that she’s been offered the contract. You can imagine the faces of The Axis. I do not have the skill to paint you a picture in words, but it’s beautiful. Jade just can’t believe that she’s won something at this important stage of the competition and she’s happy to have one over Juste. She thinks that Miami is more her market because Juste is more editorial.

Imogen cheerfully bitches that Juste is good, but sometimes she’s put up there as the top but she isn’t this time. Juste interviews that it isn’t even Miami’s Next Top Model anyway so there’s no point getting it all twisted and shit, yeah? She’s not sad that she’s not suitable for Miami. Anastasija isn’t that bothered anyway because Jessica won two challenges last week and got sent home so it doesn’t mean anything, yeah? Good show at not being bitter, The Axis.

Cut to Jade and Imogen screaming in the back of the Modelcar. They have $2000 each to spend at the mall. Imogen tells Jade that she loves her too much. Jade is happy that it was her and Imogen in the spotlight for once and that Juste thought she had it in the bag when she plainly didn’t. “One of us could win this” says Imogen. Yes Imogen, just not you. We see the two of them walk through the mall with maps.

Juste has the decency to look embarrassed when she interviews that whilst they were out shopping they went through their portfolios. Nothing Special. What happens next seems to be a pilot for Axis Television. We get a split screen of the Axis and the photos that they are bitching about. They start with Imogen. They laugh at her underwater picture and call her fruity tea picture a disaster. Her shot from last week is “weird”. Cut to Jade and Imogen trying on hats and buying stuff. Jade was happy not to worry about what she’s spending.

Over on Axis Television, we are now on Jade. Her nude shot is “nice”. They discuss that Jade doesn’t like her ballet shot and they agree with her. Her beauty shot is “beautiful but not that beautiful”. Juste announces that they’re going to put their portfolios back so nobody will know. Oh The Axis... Can you be judges next year please? [I hope at least one of them gets recruited for next year's X Factor panel reshuffle. - Steve]

Next thing we see, The Axis are in their dressing gowns and there’s an E-Mail on the table. Elle has arranged for them to have a walk around Ocean Drive. Imogen thinks it might be a catwalk. Jade thinks it might just be a walk. Bless.

The girls arrive at the beach to be introduced to Lisa Hollister, who is played by Kristen Johnston. Lisa tells them that they are to take part in a monthly fashion show called “What Women Want” and introduces them to fashion designer Emma Roja, who has designed for such luminaries as Katy Perry, Tyra Banks and Paris Hilton. Emma tells them that the clothes have been designed for the show and they will be walking alongside professionals with no rehearsals. Ulp.

Anastasija is excited because she loves doing catwalk and she thinks it’s her strongest part. Jade is worried about walking alongside professionals who know what they are doing. Hair and makeup montage!

Anastasija interviews that the other models were bitchy. Bitchy models?! GEDDOUTAHERE. Imogen interviews that there was no connection between them. Cut to a model giving them a dirty look. Jade interviews that none of them introduced themselves or smiled at them. Boo! Hiss! Jade thinks that they might be intimidated by them. Helen laughs herself off the sofa. They’re even too much for Juste who doesn’t think that they are professional. Cut to the Axis discussing the other models. Anastasija asks Juste what she thinks. Juste makes a *face*. Anastasija tells her not to say a word.

The girls are all sitting round discussing their makeup when Julien walks in to shit them up a bit. He tells them that there are thousands of people outside waiting to see the show, and that it’s their time to shine. He tells them to be strong and confident but they’re not to forget to have fun. He’s wearing pink trousers. The thousands of people look more like twelve as the girls gaze out over the balcony. Julien and Grace are sat on deckchairs surveying their kingdom.

Juste interviews that they didn’t have a rehearsal but the designer explained what she wanted so it was ok. Anastasija interviews that she was nervous because she was the last one in the line, but she can’t imagine how Juste felt because she was first. Juste enjoys the feeling on the catwalk because everyone is looking at you and the dress and you have to be confident. She slams it and Julien whoops like he’s on Maury. [Julien whoops like he's on a lot of things. - Steve]

Jade is next. She gets adrenaline and she goes with it and it goes really quick. Imogen walks out and one of the professional models says “That was cute” and they all descend into giggles. Imogen hams it up incredibly. Imogen says she phased out the crowd and focused on what she was doing. Anastasija interviews that she smiled because when you smile it makes the crowd whoop. Backstage, Anastasija and Jade whoop about how amazing it was. Imogen interviews that the changing room was tiny as we see the tiny changing room. Anastasija shouts about needing shoes. Jade interviews that Anastasija was really stressed out about the shoe situation and was pushing everyone around. We see her do this. She finds her shoes eventually.

Imogen interviews that one of the other models who was behind her told her she was doing it wrong but she just ignored her because she knew she was doing it right. Anastasija interviews that the girl who had a go at Imogen was “swearing and crazy”. We see the girl try to have a go at Anastasija backstage. Anastasija gives her a little smile whilst Juste shoots daggers at her back. Imogen tells us that she also had another go at her. Imogen thinks it’s embarrassing that a professional model didn’t even know what she was doing and that she shouldn’t act like she knows what she’s doing when she clearly doesn’t. This is what passes for drama these days.

We finish with our four finalists on the catwalk whilst Julien and Grace are out of their seats a whooping and a hollerin’. Jade starts a high five session whilst a girl walks behind them with her boobs out.

I sense an “end of the day” speech coming from Julien. Ah, here it is. At the end of the day he was very happy to see ‘their girls’ standing up against the Miami professionals and be better. Grace agrees, and it’s clear which girls are the ones that can do it all. Julien can see the winners from the losers. Grace then does a comedy Welsh accent which Julien is clearly not pleased about. Grace declares herself a winner and Julien tells her to get back to the champagne and he’ll get back to the girls.

Coming up! Elle makes everyone cry, Julien thinks someone is bleep gorgeous and a beachside elimination.

ADVERTS! Bintmodel live! Lighterlife! Bread. These adverts are confusing. Plus, Avon. Anew Genics sounds a bit too much like Eugenics for my liking.

We’re back! The girls return from the fashion show in eveningwear to another E-Mail. They’re heading down to the Florida keys for THE MOST IMPORTANT SHOOT OF THE COMPETITION. They need to be ready to leave at 6am. Jade says she felt her heart go as it will be the last shoot of the competition. Anastasija is feeling the pressure. Juste reckons that all four of them are strong in their own way and she doesn’t know who the winner will be. Imogen reckons that she’s got the personality to push herself and get noticed. If you do, dear, then why haven’t you used it? Jade reckons she deserves to be in the final and will be heartbroken if she doesn’t make it. Juste always wanted to be a model, she was even one before the competition, but it didn’t work and she wants to win to get a step up in her career. Imogen reckons she could take on everyone and is ready for a fight.

The girls arrive in the Florida Keys and meet Joseph Montezinos who is their photographer. Joseph wants them to have a lot of fun posing in their swimwear. He wants to see them running, splashing and jumping. I’m sensing he and Charley have had a chat before the beginning of the shoot.

The Axis have set up a temporary headquarters round the side of the makeup room. Anastasija says that the setting is very beautiful but she doesn’t think that it’s going to be a straightforward photoshoot and there might be a twist. Anastasija says that they better do great because they don’t want to go home. I love how they are considering themselves as one now.

The girls are examining swimwear when Elle arrives. Elle puts on her doom voice and tells them that this is the most important shoot of the whole series and is coincidentally the last Miami shoot. Elle tells them that she will be watching the shoot to see how they do on set and to see how they’ve progressed on their journey. Elle has brought some familiar faces to help with this. Surprise! It’s the other judges. Elle says there’s one more thing she didn’t mention... Two girls are going home to London today, because London *is* Britain. The two remaining girls will go on to ‘Celebrate’ in a fashion show by Mark Fast and the winner of that show will be the Bintmodel.

“We’ll be watching” says Elle ominously. The girls look stunned and cry over a soundtrack of Massive Attack. Anastasija is sad that her time on television is nearly up. Juste wonders why she’s crying. Anastasija says she’s sad and they hug. Imogen and Jade are comforting each other. Imogen didn’t even question that there would be less than three in the final and she can’t take it in because they’re all so close. Back to The Axis, Anastasija just keeps saying that she’s sad. Jade cries in the makeup chair then gets told off by the makeup lady for ruining her makeup.

The judges are assembled and discuss how it’s going to be hard just to watch and not direct. Not for Charley. The other judges say that they’re going to chain down Elle to stop her. The judges agree that they’re all nervous. They have four chairs set up in the sand presumably so they can watch the action and have a bit of a bitch. Grace says that she wouldn’t like to be the girls today. Julien remarks that this will be the first time that they have seen them work all together, so the pressure will be on.

Imogen is pleased to be going first and is happy because nobody will have the chance to psych her out. She’s going to give it her all because she really wants to get into the final two. Joseph introduces himself again, and tells Imogen that this is like her Vanity Fair shoot, the shoot that premieres her to the world. So no pressure, then. Imogen is in the sea. She does some Baywatch running and plays with her hair. Grace remarks that she’s quite athletic. Elle likes her face but not her poses, which are a bit samey. Julien wishes he looked like that in his bikini. MANKINI, bellows Grace. [Way to step all over the punchline, Grace. - Steve] Elle thinks that she needs to learn to be less cheesy. Imogen hopes she’s got a good photo. She’s relieved, sad and emotional that this is the last shoot.

We see her photo straight away. It’s a head and shoulders shot, which probably isn’t much good for a swimwear shoot. Elle says that the more she sees Imogen in Miami, the more she appreciates her face. Grace doesn’t feel that she’s high fashion or edgy, but the photo is wow and there is a place for her. Charley thinks that she took direction well. Why must everything you say come across a little bit creepy Charley? He thinks that when she gets the right angle on her face she’s really pretty. Julien thinks that if he saw her on the beach he would think she was a supermodel but she doesn’t have the knockout factor. That makes absolutely no sense Julien, so we’ll move on. Grace wants to know what the point is of having a fashion model that is only good in the face. That’s what a sensible point looks like, Julien.

Jade is next. She’s pumped up and ready. She loves the styling and the hair and she’s going to go out there and work it. She’s taken aback by the scenery and thinks it looks like it’s off a postcard. The Flood strikes up in the background, just for Steve. Jade’s going to be the model in the postcard.

Joseph puts her in the water and wants her to walk to the camera. Immediately, Julien remarks that she’s sexy and all the judges agree. Julien says that if he saw her on the beach he would think she’s *bleep* gorgeous. You are seeing her on the beach, Julien. Jade touches her hair. Julien remarks on her twisting hips and Joseph tells her she’s pretty. Elle wants more Bond girl than bouncy girl. Joseph is happy and high fives her. She interviews that she wants to be in the final to make everyone proud and because she’s got nothing else to do with her life. I sense this may be a bit dramatic, but I don’t know. Elle thinks she’s a wonderful juxtaposition because she’s got a sweet face and a rocking body. Julien Vogues and says that she looks like she’s on the cover of a magazine. Her photos are amazing. Charley admires how she can go from bubbly and smiley to ultra fierce. Grace agrees that this is rare and girls are usually either/or. Julien thinks that she’s modern and edgy and completely unique. Charley remembers that she has up and down weeks, presumably to stop this episode from being a complete Jade love-in. Elle remarks that there is a huge disparity between being fabulous and not being fabulous. Well, DUH.

Coming up! Juste and Anastasija presumably. Fate awaiting and the revelation of the final two.

Advertising break. More Than Freeman, like most things that aren’t falling over, was only funny the first time.

We’re back. Juste is next. She’s nervous because the judges are watching but she’s going to pretend they’re not there. We get a shot of her looking at the beach. It’s cheesy. She thinks the background will make the picture look amazing but she can’t forget that she’s in it. Joseph says hi to her and they start straight away. “It’s just me and you” says Joseph. Creepily.

Julien remarks on how professional Juste is. Elle agrees and says she loves that she’s elegant. Charley thinks it would be interesting to see a smiley shot from her as he’s never seen one. Joseph wants a knowing smile, before high fiving her and calling her dude. Juste gave it all she had and tried very hard to be better than all the girls. She’s sad because the competition is almost over and she sheds one solitary tear because she’s going to miss the competition.

Julien then does a complete turnaround once Juste’s back is turned and says that he is disappointed because she’s not what he thought she was going to be, apparently because all of a sudden she’s too broad for clothes. This is the same Julien that loved Jessica. Go figure. Elle points out the absurdity of this statement and Julien answers that he’s never seen her in a bikini before. No Julien, but you have seen her nekkid. He has now realised that she’s got a weird pigeon chest and is ‘big’. Grace stops the madness by saying that it was a joy watching her work. Charley loves her serenity, but Grace hasn’t seen any growth. Charley thinks she must be good to work with and Elle thinks that her body of work has to be taken into account, as does the fact she has been consistent.

Finally, Anastasija. She does the talking to camera walking down to the beach and the surveying of the beach scene like all the other girls. She thinks it’s sad that it’s the last photoshoot, but she doesn’t want to be one of the girls going home. Elle is sick of all the girls touching their hair when they walk. Elle doesn’t want her to do it. Julien thinks that it might be because she’s nervous. Elle thinks it’s because she doesn’t know what else to do. Julien thinks that Anastasija has the best body in the competition. Everyone agrees. Julien remarks that Anastasija has a personality. We all do, Julien, though you perhaps demonstrate that there are degrees of personality.

Anastasija can’t believe it’s over and that two of them are going home. She’s worried, though she thinks she’s done well in the photoshoot. She does remark that sometimes the photos don’t turn out the way you think they will. Here comes the bus, Anastasija! They pick a dreadful photo of her. So dreadful, in fact, it makes her look like Kirsten Dunst. Julien has always loved her, and would put her in his show. Charley thinks she needed direction and she wasn’t as much of a pleasure to watch as the others. Grace thinks her personality stands her apart because she can do bubbly and nice. Charley thinks the niceness helps her on set. Elle loves her personality but she doesn’t have as strong model skillz as the other girls.

Back at the beach hut, the girls discuss the competition. Imogen says it’s been the most amazing experience of her life and Miami has topped everything off. Juste doesn’t want it to be over and Jade remarks that nobody wants to go.

The judges are all sat round a screen looking at the photos. Elle says it’s been tough, but looking at the images it’s clear that two girls stand out and it’s now time to tell them.

The judges all walk out on to a pier. The girls file on to said pier but The Axis are separated. Jade, Imogen and Anastasija hold hands whilst Juste stands on her own twiddling her fingers.

There are four beautiful models in front of Elle, but there’s only two spaces in the final. Elle takes the opportunity to say thank you because the judges have enjoyed the process and seeing the girls blossom. WELL I’M GLAD SOMEBODY HAS.

The first girl through to the final is...

*tension*

Juste.

She cries.

But wait! There is another place. It goes to...

*Tension*

Jade. SURPRISE.

Cue lots of hugging. Imogen and Anastasija walk off hand in hand. Imogen interviews tearfully that this has been the best experience of her whole life and she’s not going to give up because she’s had a taste of what it can be like. She’s going to knock on some doors until someone takes her.

Anastasija interviews that there can only be one winner, and she can’t redo the shoot so she’s not going to be too sad. She tried, but she’s not good enough to be in the final and there’s nothing she can do.

RIP THE AXIS :((((

They fade from the photograph. Jade says her mum is going to be proud. Juste says the obligatory thirteen to two bit. It’s the best day of Jade’s life and she can’t believe it because she’s an amateur model up against a six foot Juste. Juste thinks that Jade is big competition but they’re both strong and different. She thinks she’s learned a lot and is stronger. She cries.

Fearne the pointless then recaps the whole competition. *yawn*, but it’s not all bad because MISS JAY is on next week. Can’t we just ditch the last episode and have Miss J pwn Julien for an hour? Cos that would be AWESOME.

That’s it from me this series. Join Steve next week for the final to see Jade inevitably crowned the winner. If I could have one final word for this cycle, it would be stop messing with the format, but I’m not going to labour it any more. I think I’ve made my feelings clear. So until next year... Goodbye.