Friday, 2 September 2011

This must be underwater blub

Final 7 – 29th August 2011

Hello! Welcome to the 9th episode of Britain and Ireland’s Lovely Girls competition bicycle (They're all bixsexual and nobody told me? Tyra would not let this gimmick have died so unmourned! - Chris) 7. Episode 9. At least three of which have been wasted. Last week’s double elimination showed only that we are not nearly getting enough time to get to know these ladies. Goodness only knows how the judges are making their decisions. Well, this show has always veered on the side of random so they’re probably sticking a pin into a list, or into Charley and seeing whose name the shriek he emits sounds the most like.

But, we’re here for a reason, even if we are telling you about a programme where no reason exists. So, here we go...

We begin, as always, with a recap of last week. The Wanted and the ballet shoot. We see Amy stressing again and I hope to god we get to see her tear streaked, harpy at the end of a Kiss concert in the rain face. Oh! There it is. Bye Amy! Bye Holly! We’ll miss Amy’s bewildered face and Holly’s... er... [...complete lack of interest in the competition? - Steve]

This week! The girls are in a confined space with Katie Price. (Katie Price?! FREALZ?) Tanya CRIES. (Oh what a surprise), Stacey thinks that something is the worst experience of her WHOLE LIFE and Nicky Johnston makes them cry in an emotional photoshoot. Katie Price is a member of the Judging panel (cut to the Fonz on a jetski being launched over an aquatic creature)(SRS, WTF?!) and think that someone doesn’t meet the job description. Yes Katie Price, you know all about job descriptions. Yours is one page. It looks a bit like this.

  1. Look like an actual crack whore would put you in the circle of shame in Heat magazine.
  2. Have a camera follow you round everywhere
  3. Say stuff

So obviously, she’s, like, well qualified to make that statement.


Ha, Amy’s bad smell face and Stacey’s Stepford hair. Ha! Hannah channelling the Snowdon.

Back at Model Manor, Imogen is telling us how nice it is to come home to a glass of champagne on a hard day, whilst Juste pops open a bottle. In a no way scripted segment, Imogen continues that it’s quite an achievement because they are ‘sort of’ halfway. So, you’re halfway then? I thought so.


Everyone is sat round a table. Juste toasts the final 7 beautiful girls. [I feel like the Axis would prefer to toast five of them in a more literal fashion. - Steve] The Magnificent Seven! Chips in Jessica. Go back to sleep, Jessica. The Axis are talking. Jade helpfully interviews that they started out with thirteen girls and now there are seven. YES SEVEN. WE GET IT. THERE ARE SEVEN GIRLS LEFT. NUMBER SEVEN.77777777777777777777777777777777777777777. Jade thinks the game is on now.

This thoughtful reverie is interrupted by an Elle Mail from the Tardis of Fierce. Jessica calls everyone downstairs which facilitates an arty shot of the girls all heading down the staircase. Juste is wearing pink tights and a dress that can’t be keeping her warm. Jessica reads the message.

“Girls, the competition is getting tougher by the day and tomorrow you have another big challenge ahead of you. Be brave, because tomorrow we are throwing you straight in the deep end. Love Elle.” The girls all pull their best intrigued faces. Imogen’s is best because she puts her hand on her hip and looks thoughtful. Closely followed by Anastasija who puts her head to the side. Juste is in third with an open mouthed gape.

Jade claps her hands at this, as if the meaning of the Elle mail is absolutely clear to her. It’s WATER! Shouts Imogen. This prompts Tanya to do a swear. Jade announces she can’t swim. Imogen gives her the side eye. Tanya says she’s ok with water as long as there’s nothing else in there. I SMELL DRAMA! Anastasija smiles at her like she’s placating a small child but you know what’s going on behind the eyes. Oh yes. The axis never sleep.

Jade confesses in the confession room that they just got an Elle mail about being thrown in at the deep end, which OBVIOUSLY means water. She can’t swim and she’s scared of deep water. Tanya interviews that she probably won’t be able to sleep tonight, but she’ll wait for tomorrow to “see what it be”. Tanya is now from the Deep South in the 40’s, it seems.

*shot of the fence outside the house to indicate the passage of time*

Everyone files out and on to the modelbus. Jade tells us in a voiceover that they all got taken to a posh hotel. Nobody was telling her what was going on. Jessica tells us exactly the same story, but adds that they went straight into hair and makeup. Imogen hammers the point home and tells us that the photoshoot is a mystery because someone normally greets them and tells them what is going on, and they never normally get their makeup done before they know what’s going on.

Cut to Juste explaining to Stacey what glitter is <3. She goes on to explain that they put something on top of it so she thinks it might be an underwater photoshoot. Cut to her partner in EEEVUL having a necklace rested on her hair.

“Like a Mermaid?!” asks Stacey “Underwater?!” Juste merely nods.


This is allegedly Jade’s worst nightmare realised. Really? You’d think that if you were having nightmares about being on a modelling competition and having to do a photoshoot in an aquarium that you wouldn’t enter the modelling competition in the first place... Non? She tells us that they walk into a room which contains Grace and the client just as we see them walk into a room with Grace and the client in it. She says she saw a tank with fish in it just as we.... you get the idea. She totally knows she’s going in there.

THERE’S SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON! Says Grace when they arrive. (It's Grace's v...[joke redacted] - Chris) Oh my sides. They are here today for their next photoshoot. NO, REALLY.

Tanya goes whiter as Grace introduces them to Lauren, who is their client. Lauren Westwood makes Westwood Rocks Jewellery and that’s what they’re going to be modelling. It’s made of pearls and coral and other sea gems so she wants them to be sea goddesses. I’m intrigued by what these other sea gems are. When I apply it to my own childhood experience I can only imagine that they are broken bits of Mad Dog 20/20 bottles and turds. (They should be reading a Sophie Kinsella with bits of burnt skin flaking off whilst eating a kebab - Chris) But we shall see.

Lauren tells them they are going into the tank. Grace spots a shark. The girls pretend not to be bothered. Tanya now looks like she’s made of Quark. Jessica says that there were some excited and nervous giggles, but she knew that Tanya was scared of water so she decided to have a look at her to see how she looks. Answer – NOT GOOD.

Grace explains that this probably won’t be like the Little Mermaid and won’t be all fun. I’m sure that someone will try to befriend a lobster... That’s what happens, isn’t it? [I'm just waiting for Grace to show us her collection of snarfblats. - Steve] Grace explains that this shoot is SRS BZNS and that there are some hazards in the tank. Tanya now looks like she’s been painted with Tipp-ex. Grace hands them over to the lady that works in the aquarium, Rachel Wicks, who will now tell them how fish work. Excellent.

She goes through the animals that are in the tank. There are turtles that aren’t dangerous so Rachel tells them not to worry about them. WORRY ABOUT THE SHARKS, interjects Grace with more than a hint of glee. There are sharks, says Rachel, who says they’ll be fine as long as they don’t make sudden movements or thrash around too much. Just as well they aren’t having to give lots of different poses... Oh.

If you would all like to consult your Tanya colour chart, you will now see that she’s gone into dawn snow colour.

Grace is jealous because she wants to go in. Go on Grace, I’m sure they’ll let you. Unless you are telling a massive porky that is. What it is about, says Grace, is Imogen, because she’s first.

Jade interviews that she was scared and upset, but it was ok because Tanya started to have a complete hairy baby about the whole thing so nobody noticed how scared she was. Jade used this opportunity to stay in the corner and focus.

Stacey is the one who catches Tanya’s hysteria fish on her rod. She goes over and asks if she’s ok. Tanya interviews that she wound herself up whilst waiting for her turn. When we see her in the studio she’s got the worst case of tear-blotch I’ve ever seen. She says that she was trying to calm down but it wasn’t working.

Cut to Imogen, who seems to be the closest thing to Joy mk 2 that we are going to get. She’s happy to go first because she can just get on with it and she dives in merrily. She says that she had to dunk her head under to test and there’s a bit of a speech about how someone said she wouldn’t be able to see and she actually couldn’t. Grace thinks she looks terrified. Imogen tells us that when things are underwater that aren’t supposed to be underwater they float to the top. [Tell that to the Titanic. - Steve] Who knew! Jessica thinks it doesn’t look easy whilst Grace and Lauren bemoan her mouth.

The rest of the girls are distracted by two turtles doing the nasty. In the water they’re just about to go into. Imogen comes out the water and tells the other girls that it was good, though harder than they think.

Stacey is next. Grace thinks she’s got a backbone of steel and thinks she’s going to be brilliant. Stacey remarks that deep water is deep. Helen has a bruise from all the facepalming. Stacey says that she can feel her heart beating but can only see light and blue and grey things. Grace thinks she’s repeating herself and her face is really odd. She’s Stacey, Grace. If you want surprises I think you need to look elsewhere. Stacey interviews that the poses weren’t really on her mind, it was more about getting out of the water, which was deep. She tells us that it was a scary experience with a big smile on her face. Once out the water, she interviews that it was freezing and scary. The worst experience of her life.

COMING UP! Tanya has a meltdown, the girls have to impress top model legend Nicky Johnston who is FURIOUS. Katie Price tells us that her underwater shoot was the “most hardest” thing she’s ever done in the tautology section.


Back at the Aquarium it’s Anastasija’s turn. She says she had to have her dress loosened to make it float in the water but as soon as she gets in they have to pixelate her ‘area’. Grace doesn’t want to look at it. [Professional as ever - Chris] The diver actually gives her a swimsuit. She jumps right in and gives it fierce only to be upstaged by a stingray. She interviews that it was amazing and she’s really glad that she’s done it.

Jade next, she interviews that as it came up to her turn she got really nervous inside, placing the emphasis on the ‘inside’. Good girl. She wasn’t scared of the sealife, merely going into the water. She bobs her head under the water and finds it odd but manages to persevere. She spends quite a long time underwater in the first go, only to be told she’s not going low enough. Grace and Lauren think she’s wow, and despite her initial look of fear, she’s going for it. She then starts to show off, staying down for so long that the divers drag her up for fear she drowns. Grace thinks she’s nailed it, and she even looks more serene in that photo than in the others of her. She interviews that she wouldn’t want to do it again, but on reflection it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and she’s glad she’s done it. Attagirl.

Tanya next, who is now actually the colour of one of those washing powder tablets with flecks of blue in it. She interviews that it’s the worst shoot that someone could give her. She says that the sharks are bigger than she thought and she’s got a phobia of being bitten by them so she never even goes in the sea. Imogen sits by the tank practically rubbing her hands, saying she’s interested to see what Tanya is going to do. Grace asks her if she thinks she can do it. She mumbles that she can, but it’s unconvincing. Grace asks her if she wants to win. The yes she gives is even more unconvincing. She interviews that she climbed into the pool and the stingray touched her foot and she freaked out. Then a shark came past and finished her off. [Again, sadly not literally. - Steve] She really tried to put her head underwater, but in the end she just couldn’t do it so she made the difficult decision not to do the shoot. Cut to her crying in slo-mo over a Massive Attack soundtrack. The other girls catch on to this and gasp over their fat Cokes. They can’t believe it. Really? You’ve watched her freak out for the last hour about this and you can’t believe that she didn’t do it? Grace meets her at the top to tell her that she really should try to do it, because she knows what will happen if she doesn’t. [/berated and yelled and screamed at her in a way that should get her sued for inflicting emotional distress, on the best episode of Judge Judy ever - Chris] She says that she can’t and she doesn’t want to. She interviews that she was actually petrified and she would do anything else, but not that.

Jess next! She said that seeing Tanya sobbing on the way up made her nervous. The other girls think that she’s going to rock it, and she does. They applaud her. Grace and Lauren think she’s as good as Anastasija. Jessica interviews that it was harder than she thought, and she’s a bit nervous as to whether she got the shot.

Finally, Juste. She tells us helpfully that she’s the last one to do the underwater shoot. It’s apt that it’s underwater today, because they’re treating us like we have goldfish memories. Juste thinks she might be in trouble because she has to hold her nose to hold her breath. Grace tells Lauren that YOOOSTAY should be in the top three based on previous performances, even though her last few shots really weren’t that much cop. Lauren looks doubtful. Grace thinks she’ll be strong. Juste interviews that she was swallowing a lot of water and every time she went under she was ACTUALLY DROWNING. She floats to the top and splutters a bit. Lauren doesn’t think she stood out, Grace doesn’t think she relaxed enough. Juste interviews that her lungs and stomach were full of water. I think if your lungs are full of water, you’re dead, so Juste may be exaggerating a bit here. [Not in the Axis it doesn't - Chris] Juste tells the diver that she’s going to vomit from drinking too much water. She runs to the loo on her exit.

Imogen interviews that she and Anastasija were waiting for her at the top of the tank but she ran past, so obviously they follow her like good mates while she vomits. Juste quips that she’s had her two litres of water today. “YOU’RE SO FUNNY” deadpans Anastasija, because she’s apparently scared to death by Juste running to the loo with all her limbs.

Back to blotchy Tanya, who is really, really disappointed that she didn’t do it. She’s literally beating herself up about it. No, you’re not. You’re metaphorically beating yourself up about it. Cut to a shot presumably from earlier in the day with Anastasija, Stacey and Jade standing round having a bitch and Anastasija saying that if Tanya doesn’t do the shoot today, she’s probably out the competition. Mmm, Portentious. Stacey thinks the judges will save her. “Oh come on, is it fair?” scoffs Anastasija. It probably wouldn’t be, Bond Barbie, but since when is this about fair? The shot widens, and Imogen is there, stirring the pot. “If she stays, it’s a joke”.[Imogen has started to develop a real tendency for chatting shit, given that she's made it thus far on an overwhelming tide of consistently mediocre photos being enough this cycle - Chris]

Cut back to Tiny Tears, who interviews that when she told the girls that she couldn’t do it, Jess was the only one that gave her a hug. The rest of them are fake and she hopes none of them win cos they don’t deserve it. Putting in some team spirit to get some out there are we, Tanya?

Jessica is in the confession room saying that she hopes Tanya gets a chance to redeem herself.[Get on that cancer panacea Tanya - Chris] Imogen thinks that she should definitely go, and Anastasija feels that it’s time for Tanya to go home. Tanya says that she does hope Elle gives her another chance regardless of what the other girls think, cos they can just swear off. She’s in it to win it.

*Passage of time Eye*

Imogen tells us that they had a late night because of the photoshoot and when they woke up there was an Elle mail waiting for them. None of them seem to realise that this means that someone was creeping about downstairs whilst they slept, but they don’t dwell on it, so neither will I.

It’s Juste’s turn to read the Elle mail. “I think it’s time for a treat, meet me in one hour at London’s famous Savoy hotel. Dress up, love Elle”

Cue montage of girls getting ready, and a gratuitous shot of Britain’s number one reality TV star, the Savoy Hotel. The girls toast the final seven AGAIN. Jade says that everyone is nervous waiting for Elle to walk through the door, and then she does. She sashays in with her shades on and thanks them for inviting her to lunch. She remarks that they all look prim and proper and asks if it’s for her or the hotel. Nobody answers. Cut to Tanya’s empty plate. Not really invited to lunch then, are you Elle? Elle says that she thinks it would be nice to spend a bit of time with the girls. She says that if they win the competition, it will change their lives and wonders aloud who needs their life changing. Everyone raises their hand. Elle needs her life changing too, apparently. Elle says that this has changed her life. It is unclear about whether she means modelling, top model or the lunch. [I genuinely thought she meant BINT-MODEL at first and oh how I did laugh - Chris] She says that she could’ve repeated her mother’s mistakes, because she had her at sixteen. Cut to Tanya. She had three children on her own by the time she was 21 and Elle thinks that she could’ve stayed in Australia and done the same thing, but she didn’t. Jade looks like these are the wisest words she’s ever heard. Elle then decides to ask all the girls how modelling will change their lives, and the most emotional blackmail worthy ones will be broadcast.

Juste has come from Lithuania to create a new life for herself here. Juste confesses that she’s from a rich family and they lost everything when the crisis hit. She found herself in Britain living in a council flat and being on benefits and it changed her life view. [Juste: now officially the sort of person the Daily Mail has nightmares about. - Steve] She cries because she once had everything then had nothing. She now values friendship and dreams. She now realises stuff is worthless if you don’t have what’s inside. *Sings the Jesse J one that’s not about being a man dem*

Stacey’s turn to be manipulated. She says that her parents gave her lots of educational opportunities but she struggled to learn then she had a bad experience in high school, which included having her pants stolen. This affected her confidence. Elle asks if she wants people to know that she’s beautiful inside and out. She says that she knows that she’s beautiful because they took her on. Aww. The power of modelling. She now believes in herself after seeing her pictures that she’s beautiful and she wants to keep going. *sings Beautiful by Xtina*

Imogen’s turn to be poked. She says that everyone in their life has had something in their life that makes them want to change and do better. She wobbles that that is why she’s here. *sings Something Inside So Strong*

Elle says what’s wonderful about all of them is the willingness to step out of their comfort zones. Anastasija actually simpers. I’m disappointed. She likes that they’re willing to admit they’re afraid and that this is important to them and that it’s been nice talking to them.

Quick intermission whilst I go and write some fanfic about how this conversation would’ve gone in the last series. Sample:

Joy – “Yeah, I’ve had some shit happen, but I ain’t gonna go on about it *eyeroll*”


Tiffunuh – “Muh luf wus hurd thun I cume frum multa and wull bu brutuns nuxt top mudul”

That’s clearly better out of my system.

[What's that Tiffnuh? Not enough chips? = Chris]

After the break! Crying! Pressure! Boiling over! Tanya does a swear!

Adverts, gratuitous model manor shot.

The girls come home to find another man has been in their house. It’s Nicky Johnston, you know! The Scouse photographer who is always amazing. He introduces himself and says that the girls may recognise him from previous series of BNTM. Imogen nods knowingly, with a slight look of fear. Nicky says that the competition is heating up now they’re on the final 7, so the girls are going to be doing their most emotive shot ever, which will require them crying on camera whilst looking beautiful. Anastasija looks excited. Stacey looks like she has an epic case of the fear. For her, anyway. Look, she’s showing an emotion, ok? I can’t read them better than anyone else.

Nicky tells them to go off, get ready and think about it. For some reason they find this hilarious. Juste and Imogen gawp at the camera. Up in the bedroom, there’s another totally non-scripted moment going on with Stacey, Jessica and Tanya. Stacey asks Tanya if she thinks that if she does a really good photo now, the judges will give her another chance? Tanya hopes the judges will give her another chance because she did, literally, mess up. By not doing that shoot.

Cut to Tanya getting her photo done. Nicky asks what she’s thinking about. It’s her daughter. Nicky asks if she is the main thing that makes her sad. She says yes, and her pregnancy was traumatic so she’s extra special. Tanya thinks she did well because she managed to cry. Oh Tanya. She couldn’t stop crying afterwards so the tears must’ve been true.

Meanwhile, the Axis have no time for tears, so they sit and poke their own eyes to make it happen. Juste manages one and Anastasija cheers her on. Jade interviews that she found it hard to cry. Nicky makes encouraging noises, but complains that she dried up. Imogen does lots of crying faces, but manages to cry more on her way out so Nicky calls her back. This made him feel tight, but decides that this was the point of the exercise and it can’t be faked.

Jess is worried because she’s not an elegant crier. I don’t think anyone is outside of Hollywood, pet. She says she gets puffy, so it was difficult and hard to bring up the feelings. She was amazing though, and like every time Jessica is awesome lately it passes without note.

Meanwhile, at Axis headquarters, Anastasija and Juste hatch a plan to use onions to bring on tears. They’re both wearing an epic amount of mascara. “I’m going to cry so much!” shouts Juste with glee. They decide that it will be too much if they carry on so resolve to bring their onions with them for more tears as needed. I don’t think Nicky is going to be happy with that...Anastasija does a little piece to camera about how tears are tears and it doesn’t matter where they come from. Get these two a show. Now.

Stacey’s turn. She knows she didn’t do well because she couldn’t get her tears out and she didn’t pose because she was concentrating on crying. Nicky knows she’s got emotion in her, but HELLO, he didn’t see it.

Juste next. Nicky thinks it’s beautiful. She interviews that it was difficult to cry and be pretty at the same time. She’s got the shot and is Nicky’s favourite so far. Completing the Eastern European Axis of Awesome shots is Anastasija, who thinks it’s easy to cry when you hear a sad story, but hard to cry when someone is telling you to and taking your photo. No shit! Nicky thanks her and she leaves. She comes back up to the bedroom and proclaims that the onions didn’t work, she just had to think about her little brother who she hasn’t seen for a year then it was easy. Cut to Nicky rumbling her rubbing the onion under her eyes and calling her out to everyone. Nicky, who looks like he’s been sobbing himself, shouts that it was defeating the whole purpose of the shoot. [The point of the photoshoot apparently being to have made the girls look as shiteous as possible by making them cry til their face bloats up like Donald Trump's clammy wet feet - Chris] He’s FURIOUS. He then goes into a complete diva strop and puts his rage on them.

Some Londonporn as Fearne the pointless tells us that it’s elimination day. Cue a shot of Julien waving his arms around while a lackey carries his suit, and one of Charley carrying his own. Fearne tells us that the judges are extra busy backstage because it’s a double elimination. That doesn’t make sense on so many levels, but I’m not going to dwell.

Julien informs us that Katie Price will be on the Judging Panel today. Katie Price! Grace has her boobies out and says she’s terrified. We see Elle and Katie make awkward conversation and introductions. It’s more stilted than a parade. Elle lies that they’re excited to have her, Katie says that she’s going to try not to upset anyone, but she’s going to KEEP IT REAL.

Blah Judges. Katie Price is an Entrepreneur now. Who knew?

Elle informs the girls that it’s going to be a double elimination and that Katie Price is an entrepreneur.


Elle tells the girls what they’ve done this week and that the underwater shot is now infamous. Everyone is made to watch Katie Price’s underwater advert for her new show which JUST HAPPENS to be on the same channel as this. The purpose of this is to show them that they’re not the only ones that have done underwater shoots. Katie says that it was the most hardest thing she’s ever done because she had to worry about her hair, opening her eyes and pointing her toes.

Stacey is first, she’s soundtracked by Calvin Harris. Crying shot first. Elle says that the point of the shot was to interpret pain and sadness. Elle thinks she’s interpreting something. It’s not the above. Katie agrees with Elle, thinking that Stacey just looks a bit bored. Underwater shoot is better. Katie is jealous of her legs, Julien thinks her body looks fantastic, but emotions don’t come across on her face.

Tanya next. Her crying shot is first. Grace asks if they’re real tears because she’s smiling and there’s tears on it. Charley thinks she looks plain. Elle asks to see her underwater shot, but there isn’t one. Elle demands to know why. Tanya replies that she’s scared of sharks and she can’t open her eyes underwater. I think we all are, sweetie. Grace sees her point but makes the very good point that they’re not going to put her in a tank where she’s “at danger”. [Apart from the very real danger of putting someone with a phobia underwater with the thing she's phobic of. Not that Tanya's actually phobic so much as a dramalamadingdong, but whatever Grace, watch her have a panic attack underwater and tell her that it's safe - Chris] Katie says that models always come across jobs that they don’t like but you’ve just got to do it. I would say something here, but it would be far, far too easy. [Also, clearly your agency would check beforehand if you had issues with this sort of thing before sending you on the job in the first place, not that reality has any connection to this show. - Steve]

Jade’s turn. She’s asked how she found the crying shoot. She says that even though she’s sensitive, she found it a struggle. Her photo is beautiful though, Elle wants to kiss her. Katie thinks it’s gorgeous. The underwater shot is awesome. Charley commends her for doing so well even though she’s uncomfortable in water.

We move on to Anastasija. She’s Doctor Evil in her crying shot. Julien says that she’s a beautiful girl, but unfortunately, her beauty took over the sadness. The underwater shot is a bit pin up. Katie doesn’t think she’s floaty enough.

Jessica now! Crying shot isn’t Elle’s favourite, nor is it mine. Her underwater shot is EPICMAZING. Grace thinks she could be a Bond girl and her shot is outstanding. I agree.

Imogen’s turn. She puts on her glasses to the chagrin of the panel. How anyone sat next to anyone in hipster glasses can make such a comment is beyond me. She needs them! Her crying shot is rubbish, and it’s not working for Charley. Her underwater shot isn’t that good either. Elle thinks she looks lost and is being outperformed by a turtle. She calls her baby though, which totally makes up for it. Not. Yes it was a not joke, its part of my 90s revival. Deal with it. Julien thinks that she wasn’t close enough to the camera and it’s a shame because she’s come such a long way and it would be a shame for her to go home.

Juste arrives in her dressing gown. Charlie doesn’t believe the emotion, but loves the photo. Katie wants to stuff the brief because she looks like a supermodel. The underwater shot is Vile according to Katie because she looks big and butch. I’m surprised the world didn’t implode with the weight of the irony in that statement. Juste huffs off.

Coming up...Encouraging the bitching and two go home.

There now follows an advertising break in which I get extremely fired up that the Axis were not berated at panel for OnionGate. Tyra wouldn’t stand for this shit. I also realise we’ve got the photo part of the judging without an ad break. They heard us! [Now, if they could just to attend to the other 24 items on the List of Grievances... - Steve]

Elle says, and I’m going to put this in quotes because I want it verbatim, “So girls, as you know now the judges and I have the really difficult decision to understand which two girls will be leaving the competition”. Could they not have made her do that again? [Seriously, if the judges don't understand it, what chance do we have? - Steve] Anyway, Elle (the producers) is interested to know what the girls think. She wants to hear from Jessica who has the most and least potential. She’s a yay to Juste because she’s got the full package and a nay to Juste too because she’s the competition. [COP-OUT - Chris] She chooses Tanya next. She doesn’t think that anyone should go home. BUT YOU WOULD THINK THAT, WOULDN’T YOU TANYA? Jade thinks Tanya should go home because she’s a fraidy cat, Anastasija agrees that she should go because she’s an editorial girl who can’t do editorial photoshoots. Imogen, Stacey and Juste all agree, but Juste grasses her up to mum for being sweary and bitchy.

Backstage, Tanya tells Juste that she was well out of order for grassing her up to mum, and that she doesn’t even swear that much and if she’s quiet she’s not being off she’s just homesick. So there. Juste fires back by saying that she didn’t say she swore all the time. Anastasija stands beside her the whole time with a “Bring it” face on. Tanya hits back by calling her FAKE, because she was quiet at boot camp and now she’s loud and she should just try being true to herself, YEAH? Juste insists that she is being herself, Tanya says she isn’t and stomps off. Anastasija openly laughs at her. THIS IS THE STUFF WE WERE MISSING WHILST AUDITONS WERE GOING ON. I HOPE YOU’RE ALL PROUD OF YOURSELVES, TOP MODEL MAKERS.

Cut to Juste still trying to justify herself. We are all fake then! Shouts Anastasija, apart from her. Juste says it doesn’t even matter, because she’s allowed to say what she thinks.

Tanya takes herself off to cool down, so plainly a camera follows her and she interviews that Juste and Anastasija are the fake ones. She goes on to prove that she doesn’t swear all the time by talking in bleeps for 10 full seconds.

Back in the studio, we’re looking at the photos again.

Stacey – Katie wants her sacked because she didn’t fit the job description. Charley doesn’t like the face but the body is good. You like that, don’t you Charley?

Tanya – Elle thinks she started off great but hasn’t improved. Grace thinks that under performing +refusing to do a shoot = going home. That’s the normal maths.

Jade – Katie likes her, Julien thinks she looks fantastically beautiful and everyone loves everything.

Anastasija – Elle calls her the cheeky monkey. Katie thinks its Vile. No, it’s EVIL. The letters are in a slightly different order love. Katie thinks she wasted the shot.

Jessica – Julien thinks it’s definitely underwater love because she’s soft and convincing. The rubbish crying shot isn’t mentioned.

Imogen – Elle isn’t sure what to think. Julien thinks she might be just a plain Jane. Katie thinks she’s beautiful.

Juste – Katie thinks she’s stunning, Charley thinks that it’s impossible to take a bad photo of her. Is that excepting the rubbish ones she’s done so far? Julien would put her in his fashion show right now.

Elle congratulates them all on a good judging, but now its decision time.

Seven girls in front of Elle, but only five photographs in her hand.

First through and pic of the week goes to Jade for her underwater shot. Anastasija next. REALLY? Even with rubbish underwater shot and OnionGate? I DESPAIR. Jessica next, who’s shot is magical. Juste also escapes the chop, but only because of her body of work. [The power of the Axis is strong indeed. - Steve]

So, we’re left with Tanya, Imogen and Stacey. Elle knows it’s difficult, but she’s only got one photo in her hand. The girl with the most potential is...


Imogen. [Does she bollocks - Chris]

Stacey crumbles as Elle kisses Imogen. Everyone is pleased to see her.

Tanya is proud to have got to the final seven and she feels privileged. She’s sorry she didn’t do the underwater shot but wouldn’t do it even if she had the chance again.

Stacey interviews that she thought she might be going home, but she hoped that she wasn’t. She’s learned a lot about herself and has never had lots of friends who were girls before. Oh Stacey. She’s going to try modelling again though. They pack their stuff into shopping bags and head off. After a double photo montage they are gone from the picture. Bye!

Coming up!

Surprises! Only four get to go where they are going! They show exactly which four that is! Olivia Palimero is a style icon – Who knew? Jade has a meltdown!

So that’s that. See you next week for more model based shenanigans.


  1. When the E-mail sent the girls to the Savoy to meet Elle, did any other Apprentice fans wonder if they'd be expected to buy a cloche, a top hat, some bog roll and other assorted items for the lowest possible price? Actually, Juste and Anastajia would rule in The Apprentice. Someone please make this happen!

  2. I always imagine that there's an Apprentice-type task awaiting them and am constantly disappointed that it never happens.

    To have the Axis battling Ludalan is the kind of awesome I could only imagine in my wildest of dreams...