Saturday, 17 September 2011

Wedding mess

Top 4/Top 5/fuck it, who even knows any more?: 12th September 2011

Previously on BINTModel: America declared its intolerance for The Axis and declined to accept Anastasija's passport. Other things happened as well, but really, that's the only thing I care about. Will she manage to get her immigration issues sorted in time to continue in the competition, or will she get Bible Brenda-ed back to the UK? Let's find out.

Coming up on tonight's show: tall drink of water Tyson Beckford. Again, other things may also be in store, but I choose just to focus on the really important ones.

Crappy-ass titles. I genuinely had to think hard to remember which one Amy was when I saw her this week. Without the witchy weave, she's unrecognisable. Whether that's a good thing or not, I shall leave to your own personal judgement.

We're still in Miami, and the show opens with Imogen expressing her gratitude that no one went home last week, because "I don't think it would've been fair to cut it down to three so soon". Oh, Imogen. Because of those stupid, hateful audition episodes, we've had double eliminations in this series more than we've had single eliminations (for anyone who's keeping count: three doubles, two singles, and one non-elim). You should be thankful they didn't decide to arbitrarily cut all four of you and declare Anastasija the winner in absentia. It'd make about as much sense as anything else has in this utter mess of a cycle. Jade expresses her relief about Anastasija's customs woes, because she thinks that she might have been the one going home if there had been an elimination. Juste interviews in her typically brusque fashion that she pretty much agrees with this assessment, because Jade sucked last week.

There is E-Mail, read by Juste: "Well done to all of you for making it through. Life can often be a drama, and tomorrow you will be living it Latino-style. Love Elle." Shouldn't that be Latina-style, given that none of them are men? Or just Latin-style, since none of them (to the best of my knowledge) are Latina? Jessica starts dancing, assuming that Latino-style has something to do with music, and Jade joins in excitedly. Imogen, however, is hung-up on the "drama" part of the note, and this makes Jessica wonder if, in fact, they might have to perform in a telenovela. None of the others know what one of those is, so she has to explain it to them. I think Jessica might be too smart to be on this show. [I think everybody's too smart to be on this show. Except Grace - Chris] Imogen asks Juste if she can act, and Juste responds "can I act?!" in umbrage, miming tearing up the E-Mail. Quite what this is supposed to prove, I am not entirely sure. But if tomorrow's challenge involves painting your face white, wearing braces and pretending to be trapped in an invisible box, Juste's going to walk it.

The next day, they arrive at Telemundo Studio, and are greeted by Raoul Arrieta, the acting coach who will be teaching them the ways of the telenovela. He informs them that they will be acting out a scene from one of their "future shows" (The Jetsons, maybe?) and it will be in Spanish. Everyone looks nervous, except Jessica, who looks kind of smug right now for reasons that will become very clear shortly. They are taken to watch the scene they will be performing on a teeny tiny monitor, which gives them English subtitles. It's a typically overwrought telenovela scene with heightened emotion, lots of shoving, and a big kiss at the end. Jessica notes that everyone else's face fell when they saw that bit. [Juste's just sad that Anastasija isn't there to rehearse with - Chris]

They attempt to read through the scene, one by one. Imogen's delivery of "ay ay ay, imb├ęcil!" is hilarious, though doubtless unintentionally so. Advance disclosure: the only Spanish I know is the middle eight of Geri Halliwell's 'Mi Chico Latino' and that time my friend Sara taught me how to say "don't worry your head about boys, they're all the same, they're not worth shit", so my ability to interpret what's going on for the next five minutes or so is not going to be brilliant. Juste trips over the Spanish, as does Jade. Jessica reads it very well. Juste asks if it's absolutely imperative that they kiss the guy at the end. Raoul wonders why everyone is so uptight about this bit.

They go off to practice, and Juste admits that she's basically just learning sounds at this point. She screams "Nada! Nada!" over again at Jessica like she's drunkenly cheering on a Wimbledon men's singles final, and Jessica cracks up. Imogen tries to warm up her vocal chords by enunciating "Tuesday" repeatedly very loudly and clearly [Gotta get down on Tuesday - Chris]. It doesn't appear to assist much with her Spanish, sadly. At this point, an interview with Jessica clears one interesting detail up: she has a degree in Spanish, and apparently Jade viewed this as an unfair advantage and planned to tell everyone about it. I'm sure that understanding, benevolent attitude will carry her a long way in the real world, and that there will not be any other models backstage at Fashion Week slipping fire ants in her shoes or anything. Juste practices for the kissing scene by trying to eat Jessica's face. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm totally aroused right now. Jade announces that she's not kissing anyone. Again, good luck finding all those modelling jobs which will not require you to fake intimacy with a person who is not your significant other. If that bothers you, dear, you may be in the wrong industry. Perhaps consider taking religious orders instead, or working in a call centre. That's just about the least sexy profession in the world, and I speak from considerable experience. (Unless you work on one of those phone lines, obviously.)

Time to film the scene. I never thought I'd miss Tanya, but I must admit I do feel slightly disappointed that we never got to hear her attempting to drone in Spanish [If only we'd seen Tiffany and Joy try this. I can only imagine and it's beautiful - Helen]. Imogen goes first, and doesn't start out too badly, but soon forgets her lines and starts giggling. To her credit, though, she manages to make it to the end of the scene, and really goes for the kiss, prompting lots of primary school-style "ugh, boys!" expressions from the others. I really wish Anastasija were here to see this. I can imagine she'd have much to contribute. Juste is next, and interviews that she could only remember three words: "¿Que?", "¡No!" and "¡Nada!" She's not wrong: these are literally the only words she says in the entire scene, much to the consternation of her co-star, who can only stretch his ad-libbing skills so far in the face of such limited Spanish. Seriously, it's hilarious. I could watch this over and over and over again, and indeed I have done. She's also not really into the kiss at the end, although her reluctance sort of works in the context of the scene. I'm being overly generous here, but after the comic gift that was the what-can't-nothing dramatic sequence, I think she's earned the benefit of the doubt. [I love that her vocab was shit, but her accent was impeccable - Chris]

Up next is Jade, who does a better job of remembering her words than the other do, but only barely, and her Spanish accent is non-existent. She goes through with the kiss [she bloody doesn't, she just bounces off his face - Chris], but again only barely. She interviews that she does not want to be an actress, so she found the kissing scene really difficult. Again, I encourage her to look at any number of fragrance ads or underwear campaigns and then try to tell me that being a model will not require her to kiss someone she's only just met at any point. [Jade's not going to do that modelling. She's just going to do shots staring down the camera like she's trying to set it on fire with her brain - Chris] Jade sniffs that everyone struggled with the challenge, apart from Jessica, who speaks fluent Spanish. And is presumably no stranger to acting, given that she was in an episode of The Hour about a month ago. Playing someone who spoke Spanish. Jessica goes next, and Sudden Bitch Edit Jade interviews that "even if she did forget her lines, which I think she did, she could just improvise". To be fair, it does look a bit like Jessica forgets her lines at one point, but Jade's been kind of an insufferable snot for this entire sequence, so she can fuck off. Jessica interviews unconvincingly that being able to speak Spanish was not an advantage, it was "just a thing". Nice try, Jess. Juste interviews sunnily that regardless of the language thing, Jessica was a good actress anyway. Juste and Jessica seem to be BFFs all of a sudden in this episode, which I don't recall being featured at all prior to this. It's interesting. Jessica goes full on for the kiss, as well. Afterwards, she tells Jade that she felt she really had to do well, because the others had been needling her about speaking the language and would laugh at her if she failed.

Raoul says that the winner will receive a pampering massage session at a spa, and will be allowed to bring a friend. Unsurprisingly, Jessica wins. Imogen interviews that they knew this would happen, and that Jessica would pick Juste to join her. Again, since Jessica and Juste's tight-knit bond is such common knowledge to the contestants, it'd be nice if the viewers had any idea it existed before this episode. Raoul tells Jessica that she connected with her partner in the scene, and that's why she won. Because it was totally a close-run thing, honest. Juste interviews that it's totally fair Jessica won, because she was the best. Sure enough, Jessica picks Juste to join her, and Imogen and Jade pull stank faces about it. Jessica is sad that Imogen and Jade can't appreciate her acting skills. Don't worry, Jess, they'll probably be well jeal when they see you on BBC2 standing next to Dominic West. I know I was.

Back at the apartment, there is further E-Mail, read this time by Imogen. "Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Be ready at 8am tomorrow, love Elle." They deduce that this challenge involves cheerleading. Jessica and Juste go to their spa appointment, which is in the same building that they live in. Jade and Imogen sulkterview that they would've loved to go to. Then suck less, either as actresses or as human beings. I really don't think we can judge Jessica for bringing the person who is nice to her instead of the two snotty cows making catty, dispiriting statements in the background. (I genuinely never thought I'd write a sentence referring to "the two snotty cows in the background" that wouldn't be referring to The Axis.) Imogen snots that it's hard to compete against someone who is speaking fluent Spanish. And sure, I get that, but it's not like any of you tried very hard. Or did you just figure that laughter was the universal language, like Esperanto? Meanwhile, Juste and Jessica feed each other pineapple from cocktail sticks. I know which clique I'd rather be in. [Bagsy me in the hotel room with Anastasija playing Travel Pass The Pigs - Chris]

We return from the commercial break, and the girls are heading to Sunlight Stadium, and the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders Dance Studio, where they're met by Senior Director Dorie Grogan. Jade is pleased, because she thinks cheerleading is something she can do. (Spoiler: she's wrong.) Jessica finds the whole thing surreal. They will have to learn a routine and perform in front of a live audience. Juste looks distinctly unimpressed. "Those other girls are dreaming of becoming cheerleaders," she interviews. "For me, I'd rather play American football." I love Juste so much. The girls are kitted out in ridiculously tiny cheerleader uniforms. Juste doesn't like the boots, and Jessica's big feet are a problem "again" (I don't recall them being a problem before, but admittedly my emotional investment in this series is pretty minimal, so I might've just forgotten), so she opts to rehearse in trainers. Jade interviews that the routine is very fast-paced, and Juste says that she was "moody, doing the steps like a machine". Jessica, at least, got into it and enjoyed herself, as did Imogen. Jade interviews that she had the spirit, just not the moves, and that the choreographer kept telling her that she was the worst. I hope she meant "in general", and not just "at cheerleading". Juste's hatred of the entire experience is written all over her face. They go to put their uniforms on, and Juste is horrified that her tights are about twelve shades darker than her skin (and the choreographer snots at her that "there is a thing called spray tan" - like, fuck off, cheertator), and notes with derision that some of the others wanted to keep their uniforms, adding "where are you going to wear it?" I think that's a question we'd all be better off not knowing the answer to. The girls troop off to an indoor stadium where they are to perform, and as Jessica pulls her too-small boots on, she interviews that Imogen and Jade in particular wanted to do well, "because they fancy themselves as little cheerleaders". Miaow. Imogen interviews that she was trying very hard to beat Jessica, as this was her dream challenge. I don't know why they're seeing Jessica as such tough competition all of a sudden - as far as I can recall, she hasn't won any challenges prior to this episode. [Also, who gives a shit about challenges? - Chris] They watch the professional cheerleaders go through a routine, which Jade admits was "a bit embarrassing", and then Dorie introduces the girls to a bunch of randoms constituting the live audience we were promised (judging by the ticket-stickers they're all wearing, I'm assuming they're all auditioning to be cheerleaders themselves, although since the show never bothers to clarify this, they could be a women's football league or the Future Accountants Of America for all I know) as "the top four of Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model" (spoiler: no they aren't) and our girls perform their routine. Jessica interviews that she had the routine down, she just had to focus on the boots, and Juste interviews that her boots were too small as well, and they had to "smile through the tears". Juste's a couple of beats behind everyone else, Jade's hopeless, but Imogen and Jessica both seem pretty good - Jessica is probably edging it just because she's got a great smile and actually uses her whole body when she moves, not just the limb that's supposed to be shaking at any given moment. Jessica interviews that there has to be a winner, and the choreographer informs the group that the winner is...Jessica! Because of her warm smile. She wins a goodie bag of Dolphins stuff. What a shit prize. Jade and Imogen whineterview about Jessica winning again, having decided to blame their ineptitude on someone else. Juste is just happy to get those damn boots off. Jade decides to vocalise her frustration ("jokingly") at Jessica's wins, and Jessica replies "what, twice? In the whole competition?" SERIOUSLY. Let it go, Jade. And you, Imogen. You are both awful people. Jade interviews that she's worried that the judges will look favourably upon Jessica's two challenge wins. As Willow Smith's 'Whip My Hair' lines up on the soundtrack, Imogen confesses that she "threw a bit of a strop". Looking alarmingly like Jessie J, she snarks to the camera that if she'd just put in a big set of false teeth, she would've won. Yes, it truly is terrible that in this MODELLING COMPETITION, people win challenges based on their physical appearance. What is the world coming to? Jessica looks through her bag of useless tat, and Imogen whines that she wants all of it. GET A GRIP, WOMAN. A rather sad-looking Jessica interviews that yes, she had previous dance experience, but so does Imogen, and that she won because she gave it her all. She danced through the PAIN OF TINY BOOTS. Juste interviews that while Imogen loves cheerleading, Jessica was better. This whole challenge was so fucking pointless, I can't even tell you. At no point did anyone pretend it had anything to do with modelling; it was just a blatant way of filling ten minutes of airtime and coaxing Imogen into that snit-fit that had been brewing for the past day or so. (So perhaps not entirely wasted time after all.) There is an E-Mail on the car, read by Jessica. "Hello girls, hope you kept up with the beautiful cheerleaders. Now it's time to head home, as tomorrow you'll have a chance to work harder, but beware of the alligators. Love, Elle." You known on ANTM the Tyra Mail at least makes a vague attempt to be cryptic? I miss that. [I don't - Chris] Jade applauds for the alligators, and interviews that she needs another photo to prove that she deserves to stay, because she thinks she's going home if she doesn't get one.

The next day, a long car ride later, they arrive in a "swamp area" called ["Grace's va...joke redcated - Chris] Coopertown, where they're greeted by Jenny Swire, the fashion director for Wedding magazine, who tells them they must forget their preconceived ideas about bridal fashion (BUT I HAVE SO MANY OF THEM!), because they're doing an extraordinary fashion-forward shoot in wedding dresses. Oh, and there's one more thing before they get going: a special guest will be joining them. An airboat (or whatever they call those things that you always used to see on Gentle Ben) appears on the horizon, and everyone squints trying to see who it is. Jessica interviews that they thought it would be an alligator or a snake (spoiler: not far off), and Juste interviews that she saw a blonde girl and wondered if it was Paris Hilton (spoiler: it's not). As the airboat gets closer, the mysterious blonde makes herself known: IT'S ANASTASIJA, BITCHES! Jessica wonders what Anastasija is doing in the everglades. A flashback reminds us of Anastasija's travel troubles involving her passport (according to internet rumour, the trouble was that she had a valid EU passport, but that it was an old one without the electronic chip, and US passport control wouldn't accept it - no idea how much truth there is in that, but it seems as valid an explanation as any), which are apparently all resolved now. Anastasija is impressed that there are still four of them: "I thought you would be less." Hee. Juste cries a bit, and THE AXIS IS RESTORED. HOORAY! [It was a beautiful moment. I was moved. - Helen]

Adverts: primarily make-up and weight-loss solutions. Read into that what you will. Also, Secret Circle looks like a mash-up of The Craft and The Covenant, except less fun than either of those.

Jade interviews (not entirely without glee) that she thinks Juste and Jessica's friendship will be affected by the return of Anastasija. Juste notes that not everyone is thrilled about Anastasija's return, and guess who is first amongst them? That's right: Late-Blooming Bitch Imogen, who snarls that Anastasija's going to come back and just to one photoshoot, and that'll be fine? Well, it'll probably be better than your picture, Imogen, because you have a face that looks like it was drawn on a Nintendo 64. Imogen predicts another double elimination tomorrow.

Jessica's first to do the photoshoot, which she admits she doesn't really like. Photographer Michael Philnow (who's been here for ages, but we only just got his full name) asks her to work all the positions. What, all of them? Jessica perches on the airboat and looks a bit nervous. She tell us that she doesn't think she fully clocked the "danger" at the time of all the alligators in the swamp, and Michael decides that he likes the look of Jessica in profile, and that it'll be a tough edit because there's a lot there. (Spoiler: the producers are going to just pick a crap one anyway.) Jessica decides not to tell the others how her shoot went.

Imogen and Anastasija are both sent out to their location together, and Imogen is a bit alarmed by all the alligators. Anastasija is, of course, not threatened by the alligators. She defeat them, make lovely handbag for all her friends. Anastasija is given a piggy back across the muddy swamp to the two planks she has to stand on (not Imogen and Jade, just in case anyone's wondering) for her shoot, and the poor man carrying her actually gets trapped in the mud. Anastasija looks amazing, and seems to be taking some great shots. Imogen quietly watches Anastasija working, from a distance. Anastasija says that she hopes she's got the shot, but she's concerned that the judges keep telling her to give them a different face.

When she's done, they hop back onto the airboat to take Imogen to her location, where she's sprawled in a chair. Michael tells her to smirk; oddly enough, this is a direction she has no problem taking. Imogen worries about the alligators eating her feet, because she has to walk across the swamp for some of her shots, and worries about standing on an alligator or falling down a hole or getting sunk in the mud like the dude who was carrying Anastasija. Jenny thinks Imogen is "just a great model - possibly one of Britain's best top models." I hope One Of Britain's Best Top Models is among the titles they're considering for next series.

Anastasija and Imogen return and tell Jessica about all the alligators they saw. Meanwhile, Juste is getting all dolled up in her wedding dress. "You look like a woman!" exclaims Imogen. Juste interviews that this was one of the best shoots they've done, because it was really exciting. Jenny tells her that her dress is a Vera Wang, so it's very special. Juste poses by a tree on a little jetty, and seems to be doing brilliantly. She interviews, with a little disappointment, that she didn't see any alligators.

Finally, we have Jade, who tells us that she's not scared of alligators at all, just of getting eliminated. She too is posing on a jetty and doing that "menstrual cramps" pose that seems so popular on this show. Michael asks her to do a little smirk, as well. Presumably, between her and Imogen, the theme of this bridal editorial spread is "Ha Ha, I'm Getting Married And You Are Not". Jade hopes that the judges will like her pictures.

Back at the apartment, there is a table full of sweets, and another E-Mail, telling them there is another elimination tomorrow. Imogen takes this opportunity to talk vaguely yet pointedly to Jade about how the judges will have to "think carefully about what they're going to judge on", or there will be "some complaints and some sort of disruption". I kind of want them to send Imogen home now, just to watch her kick off and The Axis beat her down. Meanwhile, Anastasija tries out the pool and interviews how happy she is to be back, and how she hopes she won't be getting sent home tomorrow. Back indoors, Jade stirs that when she went upstairs, Jessica was on the bed by herself, while Anastasija and Juste were outside, and Imogen deduces from this that, with the restoration of The Axis complete, Jessica is now minus one BFF. Jessica herself interviews that three's a crowd, because Jade and Imogen are close, and The Axis are close, and she's sort of in the middle by herself. I give up trying to track the relationships on this show.

The next day. Sunburnt men jog on the beach in Miami. It's elimination day, and the judges are being joined by male supermodel Tyson Beckford. He is a handsome, handsome man, but I interviewed him once and it was honestly one of the hardest interviews I have ever done in my life. Handsome man; not especially talkative. Grace introduces herself to him, and swoons. Backstage, Jessica asks Anastasija if she's nervous, and Anastasija says she isn't, but she will go home if it's her time.

Again, the judging takes place in one of the apartment suites, which just looks utterly, utterly ridiculous. WHERE IS THE MOTHERFUCKING CATWALK? DOES NO ONE EVEN CARE ANY MORE? They all sit on the cramped sofa, opposite the judges who are all sprawled inelegantly on chairs. It really just looks so very awful. I'm embarrassed to be watching this show right now, and I say that as somebody who considers the Top Model franchise to be a genuine pleasure rather than a guilty pleasure. Elle welcomes Anastasija back, and introduces the judges. Tyson tells the girls that the pictures don't do them justice. This does not speak highly of the show's production values, does it?

Voice Of Fearne reminds us of the prizes, and then we begin the judging with Anastasija. Her shot is quite serene, if you ignore all the mud beneath her feet. Julien thinks she has a natural, raw beauty. Anastasija thinks she has given different face in this picture. Tyson wishes she was facing the front more, because the back of her legs are great, but he'd rather see the front. Elle appreciates what Anastasija was trying to do, but thinks it's not her best shot. Elle asks if the others were happy to see her, and Anastasija responds, as diplomatically as possible, that Juste was, while the rest of them were less so. Elle replies that this is because she is COMPETITION, duh.

Imogen is next, and Elle thinks she looks very animated on her entrance, and wonders if that translated to her acting challenge. We watch the recording of her acting, and everyone laughs, including Imogen. Imogen makes sure to get in that Jessica had an UNFAIR ADVANTAGE from being able to speak Spanish while poor defenceless Imogen was all on her own. We see her best shot, which is admittedly quite lovely. Dammit. Julien thinks she is surprising him every week. Charley says that he doesn't like her right hand, which Tyson agrees is "goalkeeper-like".

Mid-judging commercial break. AARRGH I THOUGHT WE'D GOT RID OF THESE.

When we return, Juste arrives in a dress which a very high hemline, and Elle commends her skill on being able to sit down without presenting herself for a gynaecological examination. They watch her acting challenge video, all three words of it, and laugh like drains at her (lack of) command of the language, but Elle likes the kiss at the end. Tyson agrees that the kiss was believable and in character. Her shot is beautiful and demure, and Tyson loves her body proportions and the way she uses her arms. He thinks she has definite model potential.

Next is Jade, and Elle is pleased that she looks fresh and gorgeous. Asked how she got on this week, Jade explains that at the Telemundo challenge, she struggled with the lines and the kiss. Again, everyone cracks up watching her attempting to act, and not doing the kiss. Elle thinks she photographs better than she acts, and brings up Jade's best shot to prove it. Tyson likes her attitude in the picture, and Grace loves that the picture still has a softness. Tyson, by the way of nothing, asks Jade what her life was like growing up, being "different". He asks if she got teased a lot, and Jade says that she did. Tyson replies that he did too. I'm glad that's sorted. [Different how? Mixed-race? Freckles? Humourless prig? - Chris] Jade returns to the holding room feeling pretty happy, while Anastasija frets that everyone so far had a good picture except her.

Finally, we have Jessica. We watch her acting challenge, and for once there is no laughter, except at the end during the kiss. Grace wonders why Jessica is cringing like she can't watch, because her performance was outstanding. Julien says she's a mystery to him, and has got to him big time. Her best shot, however, does not get rave reviews. Charley says it's not bad, it's just not that strong. Grace says that when Tyson saw the picture for the first time, he called it "modelling pose 101". That's nice, Grace, but how about developing your own opinions and letting Tyson speak for himself? [I like Tyson's better - Chris] Also, I liked it better when we pretended the judges hadn't been staring at every shot backstage and eating Curly Wurlys for the two hours before this sequence was shot. Tyson asks if she reads a lot of magazines, and says that he can tell, because he felt like this wasn't her when he saw it, despite not even knowing her yet. He thinks she should've tossed the umbrella (fnar) and faced the camera. Elle says that Jessica has an ability to transform each week, and she loves that about her.

Time for the judges to deliberate. Anastasija is beautiful in person, but her look is samey, and when she tries to be different, it doesn't always work. Julien thinks she is "not the worst". Elle thinks it's late in the competition to still be "wanting". Imogen has really grown on Julien, and Elle thinks her journey has been interesting. Tyson is impressed, and thinks she has a career ahead of her. Grace thinks Juste hasn't really evolved because she's always been at this level, and that she's "ten-a-penny". Actually, I think I preferred it when Grace was parroting Tyson's thoughts; at least she made a bit more sense then. [See? - Chris] Elle thinks Juste would be well-received in the market. Tyson liked that Jade was different, with her freckles and red hair, and thinks she's marketable. Elle loves her energy and presence. Julien thinks Jessica has more personality than modelling ability. Tyson thinks she's a smart girl, but doesn't know if she can represent them on the highest level. He asks if they'd send her to British Vogue. "In a certain circumstance, yes," replies Grace, unconvincingly. [To take the bins out? - Chris]

Five girls are sitting on a sofa in front of Elle. Only four will continue to the next phase. First call-out is Juste, who is NOT EVEN GIVEN A FUCKING PICTURE, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? They're all just sent out, one by one, entirely pictureless. This series has no respect for tradition at all. Imogen is through next, and hugs Juste. Jade is the third girl through, leaving Anastasija and Jessica in the bottom two, obviously. Elle does that early Tyra thing of saying "the name I do not call must go upstairs and pack her bags", like the name's capable of doing that independently from the rest of the body or something. She says it's been a difficult decision and that they were very divided, and it's not about who's the worst, but about who's the girl who best represents what they're looking for. The girl who's still in the running is...Anastasija. Nice to know that all those challenges we had to sit through in this episode had no connection whatsoever to what they're looking for in a winner, then. I don't feel like my time has been wasted in the slightest.

Anastasija is grateful, and hugs Jessica, who is down in a subdued fashion. Elle summons Jessica to sit next to her, and tells her that they're all very proud of her, and she's inspired them and surprised them every week. Julien says that she's changed the way he looks at women (has she made him straight?) and she's an amazing person. She gets a kiss from Tyson Beckford, so it's not a complete downer for Jessica. She heads into the holding room and breaks down as she hugs The Axis goodbye. Backstage, she weeps that she's never felt confident because of her size and her age, and that to go from doing well to going home really hurts. We see her portfolio, which does actually have some nice shots in it, and then she fades from the group shot, as everyone must eventually.

Next week: go-sees, and a shock announcement! I bet you anything you like it's another sodding double elimination. See you next week.


  1. I truly truly hate all the tinkering of the well-known tried and tested global format.

    With all the fannying about in auditions and bootcamp...
    ... and not enough time watching them 'in the house'...
    ... and the Big Brother-esque 'confession cam' where they can clearly do take after take till they get it right...
    ... and all the crap before judging (the judges are so normal but wacky, lolz!)...
    ... and then pre-judging (the prizes... again with the prizes...)...
    ... and then during judging (I want to see their faces as their nemesis/ bestie beats them/ goes...)...
    ... I don't know enough about or care about any of the contestants to be bothered about who wins.

    The nonsensical challenges that have given up all pretense of being anything about modeling have really been pushing it.
    What was the point of the acting or cheerleading?! They didn't even pretend that "you may be asked to act or move in adverts" as an excuse for them.
    At least last year when they were in swimwear or underwear for just about every challenge, you could see how that might have *something* to do with modeling...

    I never thought I'd miss last year's bunch... but I do... I miss personalities and a format that works in every other bliddy country in the world...

  2. re:Anastasija, what I've read is that as she is a Serbian citizen (and Serbia is not part of the EU), she needed a specific visa for the US which they didn't have time to do for her, which is a wonderful example of planning on the part of the organisers if true

  3. I can't add anything to that PS, because it's all true.