Friday, 31 August 2012

A Risikat doesn't always land on her feet.

Top 8: 27th August 2012

Hello! Welcome back to another week of Bitching’s Next Top Model. Let’s hope after last week’s actual worst episode of manufactured drama and emotional manipulation that this episode sees us back on an even keel. We’ll see. The Voice Of Fearne ignores all that though, and concentrates on the Madeline is a bitch/Anita is a wide eyed innocent arc of LIES and what is going to happen this week, which is walking on water, falling over, male models and an argument between Tyson and Whitney. DRAMA.


We begin proper with Anita doing a very, very poor Joy impression re. Kellie going last week. She says it’s a fact of life and it’s something they’re just going to have to get over. THAT’S NOT YOUR LINE, ANITA. YOU’RE NOT FIT TO SAY IT. For some reason this platitude is accompanied by a shot of Big Ben. Go figure. Lisa reminds us that you have to be competitive in a competition. I’m not being facetious. Those were her actual words. I can’t even.  The girls all go back to the house and seven of them sit round discussing what’s going to happen next. Anita literally can’t call who will win. That’s right, because you don’t know.  Jennifer doesn’t have any idea. Lisa thinks anyone could go next and Emma says it doesn’t even matter if the judges like you then wonders aloud where Madeleine is. Madeleine is in the BED OF SAD after being in the bottom two. SHE LOOK SAD. She sadterviews that after being almost eliminated she needed some time out from the girls so she had some sad time in her sad bed complete with comedy sadface.  She’s feeling lost because she ended up in the bottom two even though she thought she had improved.

Back with the girls, Jennifer is speculating that Madeleine’s emotions must be up and down because she was sad before the shoot, happy after the shoot and now she’s sad again. Yup, I’d say that’s the very definition of up and down. Anita very patronisingly says that everyone feels like that but because they’re all friends they can talk about it to each other but some people choose to isolate themselves. This makes Emma and Letitia snigger. Anita says that if it was anyone else she’d care but because it’s Madeleine, she doesn’t.  I’m sorry, are we still expected to like Anita now after she’s leading this kind of bullying? Steve and I probably watch this series more closely than anyone else ever and I don’t think Madeleine has been hostile or horrible in any way to Anita. [Certainly not that I recall - she was a bit strange and reserved when they were rooming, but I don't recall her being openly hostile, certainly not in the same way that Saint Anita has been. Ugh, this show. - Steve] She called her out on her LOLKOOKYSLUT bullshit as part of the fortune cookie thing but in no way does she deserve this coven pulling her apart and saying that they don’t care. Anita, you are the actual worst. You really are.

Anita then self-justifyterviews that she and Madeleine have never seen eye to eye and they probably wouldn’t comfort each other anyway. Jennifer finally gets herself a sense of decency and goes to see if Madeleine is alright.  Madeleine is sad because she thinks that others like Letitia and Emma had worse pictures. Jennifer interviews that if Madeleine learned to be more open with people she could go a long way but she’s keeping herself to herself because the other girls are competition and she’s not here to make friends.  Damn straight. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’d want to be friends with any of you lot apart from Madeleine now Kellie has gone so I’m sorry but I think she has a point. You’ve all fed into this Madeleine is The Worst Human Ever stuff and I will sit and judge you for it. I wouldn’t want Anita as a friend anyway because she’s the kind of girl you go out with and she spends the entire evening talking to men leaving you holding her handbag.

Back to modelling, it’s now morning in the Top Model House and the girls are greeted with pastries, fruit, orange juice and six muffins which begs the question, which two girls aren’t getting muffins? Lisa interviews that it was the greatest breakfast. She’s a fool. It was Premier Inn continental buffet at best.  As they’re getting croissant crumbs down their front, James Galvin and someone called Annabel walk in. They wish the girls a good morning.  Annabel turns out to be Annabel Granger who is the brand manager for Tresemme.  Annabel reminds them that Tresemme is a quality product to give you a catwalk look every day so today they will be doing a catwalk ‘performance’ alongside professional models and there’s going to be a difference. Cue comedy surprised faces.

Risikat interviews that this is ‘real’ and that the reason they are in the competition is to do shows like this. True, because it’s probably going to be so contrived that it’s the type of modelling situation that would never, ever occur in the real world.  James Galvin warns them that the hair is going to be big and amazing so they’ll have to adapt their personalities. I’m sure acquiring a different face will be no big challenge for this lot. It seems they’ll be anything they’re told. James will see them there in an hour.

An hour later they all arrive at the studio to do their catwalk show.  Anita interviews that it will be really scary working with the other professional models.  Other? Are you suggesting that you might be ANYTHING NEAR a professional, Anita? Cos if you are I suggest you find another tree to bark up STAT because you’re clearly barking up the wrong one. She then redeems herself a bit by saying that she hopes that she blends in. Oh sweetheart, you won’t. You so won’t.  Letitia interviews in a child’s voice that she was really shocked when she walked into the room that they would be doing the catwalk in. Risikat interviews that it was just amazing. They all walk in and a heavy velvet curtain hits Jennifer in the face. She still manages to do her ‘OMGAMAZIN’ face. The catwalk seems to be made of water. Anita interviews that it was a ‘massive catwalk and it all had water inside’. Lisa does a bit better by saying that she was amazed and ending it at that. James and Annabel are back and they’re joined by Terry Hart who is a fashion show producer. Terry hopes that by now they are aware that they’re going to be walking on water.  I’m sure it’s not actually walking on water but everyone is pretending that it is. Terry also reminds them that they’ll be working with professional models and they might know some of them. I wonder which member of Top Model Alumni they’ll be bringing back for this? Further to the impossible feats of physics and the familiar face, there’s going to be 250 members of the press and industry insiders there to watch them fall down, so they’re going to have to be confident, sexy and in control.

In an arse about face move, the girls will be getting their hair and makeup done, then they’ll be rehearsing. Terry reminds them to have fun. I’m sure they won’t.  James welcomes them backstage and tells them to get a feel of what backstage at a catwalk show is like. I’m too busy looking around the room for a familiar face. There she is! It’s TUFFUNUH! Tell us how much you LUFF CHUPS TUFF!  She’s not permitted to speak. James tells the girls to find a space and leave the rest to the grownups.  Hair and makeup montage!  Risikat interviews that it’s 100 times better backstage than she thought it would be. Jennifer interviews that she’s doing what real models do but starts to get the fear because she’s seeing what goes into the show and if she messes up the client has spent thousands so she better not mess up. I’m sure you won’t.  Lisa hopes her nerves won’t get the better of her and lies that she’s feeling confident. Roxanne is worried because her walk is crap. Anita interviews that she felt manic backstage because the show is bigger than anything they’ve ever done before. I throw stuff at the telly because that isn’t what manic means. Anita thought it was a fun insight to what modelling life could be like.

Lisa then interviews that they were all dragged out of hair and makeup individually for a rehearsal because none of them had a clue what they were doing. *SNORK*, you got that right. The rehearsal is with Terry who I’m starting to like immensely, mainly because he seems a bit hostile.  Letitia interviews that Terry was ‘amazing’ and that he explained that he did shout sometimes but Letitia didn’t mind because he ‘literally’ told them what to do. I can’t even... Lisa fails in the first five seconds by looking down. She’s send back to do it again properly.  Terry reminds her that she’s in a show and she’s got to be really elegant. Terry has a microphone for this even though he’s in the same room. I love it. He tells Lisa to take control while she does her best Bambi face and nods. She interviews that she had to go slowly and steady.

Terry wants Jennifer to be more graceful because she looks like she’s walking through a puddle. [But she IS walking through a puddle. You can say "walking on water" as much as you like, it's not going to alter the basic physics of the fact that they are WALKING THROUGH A LARGE PUDDLE. - Steve] She nearly falls over on the way back. Risikat interviews that she doesn’t think that you can walk too fast through the water. ORLY? Anita walks through the water like she’s in slow motion. She dumbterviews that the first time she did it she was petrified because she put all her energy into not falling. Terry wants Anita to be a bit more effeminate. AHAHAHAHA! Letitia next. She interviews that it’s hard to be elegant and walk through water. Terry gets as annoyed with Letitia and Anita as I am and pulls them aside for a stripping down for being useless. Those aren’t his words but that’s the general gist. What he does say is that there’s nothing coming through them.  Yup.

Madeleine aces it and interviews that she knows modelling is what she’s supposed to do. Emma and Roxanne also do really well. Risikat interviews that she’s won catwalk challenges before. I sense some foreshadowing here, as nobody has fallen over yet and we all know someone does.  Risikat interviews that she’s always told how good her walk is. She falls over after about 20 seconds. Terry reminds her that this is the hazard of water. He asks if she’s ok. He still hasn’t put down his microphone. Risikat does her best to laugh it off whilst Terry makes a crack about her being wet. The girls ALL cackle backstage.  Madeleine said that she was comfortable laughing with Risikat because she was laughing, but she would have laughed if it was the other girls even if they were crying. Risikat is more worried about her weave. Terry would like her to recover because she would have to in the show. She interviews that she was feeling pretty great about herself until she fell over and did the splits and the water went all the way up... to her face.  Terry is concerned because if he was a designer he’d not have them in his clothes after the rehearsal. Hee!

Adverts! Emma Stone, David Beckham in his pants, babies and Thrush cream. Damn, Sky Living knows its audience.

Aaaand we’re back.  Emma tells us all that Risikat fell over again. Lisa hopes she doesn’t fall over like Risikat.  HAHAHA! Risikat dun fall over! Let’s laugh about it for ten minutes!  Anita asks if she’s recovered. She just replies that she’s still wet.  Risikat then interviews that she still did brilliantly despite the falling over.  Anita just says to make sure that she doesn’t fall over in the real thing.

If things weren’t bad enough, Julien and Whitney arrive. Risikat lies and says that she hoped that some of the judges would be there. I don’t think she meant those two. It would be a shame if they missed their first big show. Whitney says that they’re only there to watch and that the judging will be saved for elimination. Julien then tries to psyche them out about the size of the audience because he is a terrible human being.  Whitney wishes them luck. Julien doesn’t.

Madeleine interviews that she has to be good and she can’t slip up.  Risikat knows that everyone will be staring at her. Lisa had to tell herself to give it her all. Letitia had nerves and Risikat has a little pray before it begins. Anita is nervous too and Terry wants her to look at the back of the room. Stooshe are there though! I like them. Terry announces the start of the show and tells them to have fun.

Lisa tells us again that she was nervous and scared of falling. She does ok and Julien claps like a seal. Jennifer nearly falls over, Madeleine interviews that the public loved her and she does really well and perhaps they mistook her for Naomi. Look lady, I’m perhaps your most vocal and enthusiastic supporter in the country and that shit isn’t even going to fly with me.  Letitia looks half asleep but seems very pleased with herself. Emma G is average and interviews that she hopes every day could be like today for her. Roxanne seems very stilted but everyone loves her. Anita interviews that she did her best and manages to splash Julien in the face. She gains ten like points for that one but she’s nowhere near in my good books.  Finally, Risikat’s turn. She interviews that she now knows that it’s possible to slip and she had a couple of stumbles but still had a good time.

TUFFUNUH then walks down the catwalk. This is not mentioned or referred to in any way. What’s going on? Is this some kind of contractual thing? Won’t she talk? Has she had an attack of crippling self awareness? Have Bintmodel? I need to know!

Lisa interviews that she’s delighted to have a chance to walk in a catwalk show and can’t believe that it’s only a challenge. Yup, she’s delighted that she’s been used for free labour. There’s another shot of TUFFUNUH that nobody mentions. This is just bizarre.

Backstage, the girls assemble to be greeted by Whitney and Julien again.  Julien wants to know what Annabel from Tresemme thinks of his fabulous girls. Annabel thinks they were amazing and did a fantastic job. Just as well. They ‘literally’ went out there and owned the catwalk, it was amazing and they ‘really stood up’. APART FROM RISIKAT OH GOD I MAKE MYSELF LAUGH SOMETIMES. Thingy Galvin thinks they owned it.  They go round the catwalk again and this edit doesn’t make sense. Madeleine thinks the whole thing was magnificent.  Terry admits that walking upstairs in the dark and walking through a tub of water whilst still looking sexy actually is quite a difficult and unusual thing but the girls have done themselves justice. They high five each other for not falling over.

The girls meet with Annabel and James Galvin again.  James tells them that they’ve done well and they all look different from when they’re on stage. Apparently, they’re picking a favourite and after a lot of deliberation they’ve gone for Lisa.  Madeleine is not happy at this. Her face of rage is WONDERFUL. She claims that it should have been her because she OWNED the catwalk. There is video footage to back this up. Everyone loved her and cheered for her and she was the star. DAMN STRAIGHT. It doesn’t matter anyway, Madeleine. Lisa’s prize is a year’s worth of haircuts from the Galvin brother that nobody cares about and some shit shampoo in giant bottles, so I wouldn’t be too sad.  Lisa interviews that she was amazed to win the challenge and thanks James and Annabel.

Back at the house, Anita tells us that there’s an Elle mail waiting and that they’re way complicated and riddly. No, they’re just insane. This one reads “Hi girls, Tomorrow things are going to get steamy, I hope you can bare it.  Be ready to go for a spin at 9.30am. Love Elle xx”. There’s no puzzle there.  It’s clearly about cooking vegetables with a stuffed animal at an exercise class, no? Risikat interviews that it’s probably a nude shoot. HOW COULD I HAVE GOTTEN IT SO WRONG? Letitia is in two minds because she’s not happy about being nude but nude shoots are nearly always beautiful and stuff. Emma thinks that nude shoots are really natural because it’s just you and your naturalness.  Who says telly is dumbing down? Jennifer thinks it’s going to be interesting because everyone else has a better body than her and she’s dreading the thought of getting everything out in front of the nation.

The girls arrive at a launderette and suddenly the steamy thing makes sense to them all. OH RIGHT, THAT KIND OF STEAM.  They spot Paul Sculfor who is totally famous for being a model and not famous for putting his winkie in singleton poster girl Jennifer Aniston. Uh huh.  It’s apparently amazing and there’s screaming. Paul Sculfor introduces himself as someone who works for Armani and Ralph Lauren. Top fact everyone, I can’t say Ralph Lauren. Just can’t do it. I’ve tried. If you ever meet me, ask and I’ll show you.

He’s here today because he’s currently the face of Aramis and he turns to Gemma McHenry who is the head of Garment Care at Phillips. They’re here today because they’re doing a shoot for irons. Gemma’s got a feeling things are going to get steamy. Paul tells us that this is because it’s going to be a nude shoot, but it’s not them, its boys that are going to be nekkid. Anita actually screams at them, you know, because she’s a maneater and desperate not to be left on the shelf at age 20. Try it on Paul Sculfor, Anita. He clearly likes desperation.  I’m a bit cheesed off that these girls don’t have to do any nudity. I remember in cycle 6 the girls were naked every five minutes. We haven’t even had an underwear shoot this time around. Have we decided that it’s time to treat them ethically now? Cos if they have, that’s RUBBASH.

Gemma tells them that the main part of the challenge today will be to show how confident they are in the competition because they’re all going to be wearing the same dress. Paul Sculfor sends them all for the hair and makeup montage. Anita immediately homes in on the male models and apologises for screaming in their faces. She’s rightly embarrassed. Risikat is excited by the shoot. Lisa is going to give it her best shot. Anita tells a bemused Madeleine that the male models shouldn’t be allowed because they’re too good looking.  Emma’s not going to let them bother her.

Risikat was up first and was pleased to be the first one to see the beautiful dress. Alex James the FitPhotographer this week. Risikat then goes off to meet the boys. Paul is interested as to whether she can relax, but she seems to be dealing with the naked men by ignoring them. Paul points this out and Risikat asks if she can touch them.  This is encouraged and the shoot improves.  Risikat found it hard to concentrate when she felt the model’s ‘nose’ on her ‘neck’ but gets a shot in the end. Risikat is pleased and thinks that she got a good shot.

Letitia is feeling confident because she’s got good make up and good styling. It’s hardly styling when you’re all in the same dress, but hey. She feels like a goddess.  She tells Paul this and he tells her she’s looking good. STOP ENCOURAGING HER, SCULFOR.  He thinks she needs to straighten her body and helpfully tells her that she looks nervous and should be careful not to fall over the dress.  Letitia responds to this frankly baffling advice by doing exactly the same thing.  Paul tells her that she looks like she put too much pressure on herself once she climbs off the wall. She uses her child’s voice and says that she doesn’t know what’s happening. Paul replies that things aren’t easy in that dress in a tone that implies that his next line will be “so let me take it off for you, because modelling is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman”. Ugh. POOR JENAN. He basically tells her to man up and she goes backstage to cry and THE WHOLE WORLD interviews that she may have overreacted a little. Roxanne thinks that her overreaction was mainly down to the fact that she’s not used to being criticised and has always been told how great she is by everyone so this is a shock for her.  I would guess that was about the size of it.

Lisa next. She’s told to get friendly with the models. She does. She interviews that one of the male models was nuzzling her neck and she pulls a face like she had a gigantic slug monster sucking on it. The FOOL. Paul tells her to use the guys more.  FitPhotographer says that the boys are coming across more brother than lover and Lisa giggles at this. He’s just told you you’re not doing your job properly love. Act like it. One of the models says that he didn’t think she wanted him to touch her so he was caressing the arm of another model. *fans self*. Paul thinks she looks in control.

Princess Madeleine’s turn. She wasn’t even looking at the boys and only got one bum cheek. Madeleine has been given the worst angle ever. She’s putting stuff into the machine while the naked men sit behind her. There’s no way this is going to turn out to be good.  Watch out for the bus, Madeleine! It’s coming right for you!  Paul tells her that this shot is going to be all about the look in her eye. He likes it when she laughs because it’s a fun shot. When it’s over, Madeleine interviews that she thinks she’s showed them she deserves a place in the competition.

After the break... Everyone else! Going out with the models! Judging!  Adverts! Are we still doing Meerkats? My, Zac Efron is still hot.

We’re back for Roxanne’s shoot.  She didn’t know who Paul was.  She begins her shoot and Paul’s unhelpful advice is even though she’s touching the guys, he doesn’t think that she knows they’re there in her eyes. WHAT?! She interviews that she wasn’t nervous around the male models but she felt a bit weird. She was just concentrating on getting a good shot. Paul tells her that it’s good when she takes a breath because it’s true. I don’t even know what I’m watching any more.  She thinks she’s got the shot.

The male models look a bit frightened of Anita. They’re all going to be covered in bubbles. She looks dog rough in her interview where she says that she just decided to go for it. Paul likes it when she looks in the male model’s eyes.  Anita doesn’t want to sound up herself [AYE RIGHT – The Nation] but she thinks it went well and that the boys were really nice. Paul, Alex and the Phillips lady have a bit of a discussion about how hard the shoot was that seems to be a bit made up.

Jennifer’s turn! She’s happy not to be nekkid because she’s self conscious of her body.  The first thing she does on set is to step on a male model’s foot which I can sympathise with. They don’t like her standing up so they make her lie across the male models on their collective lap. She interviews that it was hard not to laugh and get a good pose. Paul is not making impressed faces and thinks she could have enjoyed it more.

Emma is as bland as always. She makes porn faces whilst Paul tells her what to do with her hips. She says that the last time she was confident she ended up in the bottom two so she’s saying nothing. She was quite happy. The photographer thinks she’ll do well and Paul thinks she has amazing lips. Emma interviews that it wasn’t as hard as she hoped.

The girls are doing a reality TV sit round and wait for something to happen in the makeup caravan and Paul Sculfor comes in and tells them that two of them stuck out more than the others and those two are Anita and Emma. Apparently they had a good connection with the guys on the shoot so they’re going out tonight and they can take one person between them. But that’s not all; they’re going out with the male models. They’re choosing Lisa. Jennifer thought that one of them would be her.

They’re going on a night out to hipster magnet Bunga Bunga. Seriously, I’ve driven past it a couple of times and it seems to call people with directional hair and deck shoes home like a Siren.  Madeleine interviews that she was quite envious of the girls that went out because it would be nice to blow off steam and forget about the competition.  Risikat and Letitia stick their bottom lips out at their Ryvitas.  Back with the girl’s night out, Anita leers, yes, leers at the boys and asks them how they think the day went.  It’s worth pointing out that Lisa couldn’t look less comfortable. What’s the problem, Lisa? One of the guys said that he was tired out, and another said that he wanted to kiss Anita but there was too many people watching. Bless. Emma interviews that Anita went to the loo and the model that wanted to kiss her followed her out.  Oh yeah? Swit swoo. Next thing we see is Lisa outside the club talking to the camera about how they’re going to have a hard job getting Anita out of there.  Anita then drunkterviews that she’s not got anyone’s number. Shots of hilarity involving sparklers are interspersed with scenes of washing up at model mansions. Anita claims that it doesn’t make any difference that there are hot men there, because she’d enjoy herself regardless. Hmmm. She then says that she and Mark, the one that wanted to kiss her, got on very well. She then giggles and apologises. Oh yeah?  Emma says that they exchanged numbers. It’s hinted that they went home together but I very much doubt it.

AGAIN, there is no Elle Mail to announce elimination, only FEARNE FUCKING COTTON. In the Confessional room, Jennifer and Letitia pretend to be surprised that they’re still there and say that they’re running out of elimination outfits.  Madeleine, Risikat and Roxanne sit together in the confessional whilst wondering aloud if Anita and Emma’s winning the photshoot makes them exempt from elimination. This is met with a curt “no”. [Although it does leave the odds of survival in their favour, sort of like The Hunger Games on opposite day. - Steve] The twins, Emma and Letitia think it’s strange that elimination has come round so quickly. Madeleine says that there’s nothing left for her to do. Jennifer jumps on her for being pessimistic. Madeleine points out that she’s not being pessimistic and that its fact that there is no more that she can do this week to impress the judges. She then pops a mint in her mouth because that’s what you do when you own someone.

The judges arrive at elimination. This week’s guest judge is Sculfor. Whitney introduces herself and seems impressed. Elle gets a big hug.  Elle welcomes all the girls to the elimination room and announces the judges. Prizes!

Elle tells them all that they’ve had an interesting week, what with the catwalk and the walking on the water and the photoshoot with the naked models. Elle can’t wait to see how that went.

Lisa is first. Elle says, with significant disbelief, that Lisa did really well on the catwalk. Lisa agrees. Elle thinks it was elegant and together. Whitney was impressed with her walk and how she showed off the dress.  Time for her shot. Paul tells her that she shone through her eyes and that showed in the picture. It doesn’t. I think that she looks like a statue. Julien thinks that she looks like a gorgeous, mature statue like it’s a good thing. Elle wishes she could see more sophistication from Lisa in the judging room because she seems a bit dressed down. She’d like her to be more the girl in the photo. So Lisa, chuck out all your clothes and buy yourself some ballgowns, k?

Next up, is Letitia.  Her shot is dull and she looks all hamster cheeked. Paul says that during the shoot she went into self conscious mode and started second guessing everything. Letitia is sticking with the “I don’t know what happened” story. I’ll tell you love, you were shit and you can’t handle it. Paul tells her that she’s stunning and thinks that she knows this “on a level”.  Yep, every single level.  She apparently needs to accept her stunningness. Nah.

Elle tells Madeleine that she loved being in the runway show and that everyone was cheering for her. Madeleine trots out her Naomi line but without the confidence she had in it earlier. Everyone bursts out laughing and Whitney thinks she’s giving herself a lot of credit.  She manages to save it by saying that she can’t think of another reason why everyone would cheer so much.  Tyson loved her flow and her energy on the catwalk but worries about her head wobble. Tyson is rocking geek chic today and I very approve. Elle would like to see her photo.  She’s been bussed. It’s awful and there’s no way that’s the best one.  Whitney thinks it falls flat and the smile is cheesy. She’s not feeling the vibe. It’s not Elle’s favourite and it looks posed and fake. The runway may have been a hit, but the photo is a miss.

Ridiculous mid judging ad break.  Georgia Jagger is really getting as annoying and as ubiquitous as Kate Moss. Thanks Revlon!
We’re back for Jennifer.  Her runway is a bit zombie and Julien, in a rare moment of lucidity, tells her that she was supposed to work it and it’s her job to bring this stuff to life and she didn’t. She looked bored. Elle hopes she brings more to her photo. She didn’t. Whitney says “Usually a profile shot can be interesting” which is the first thing she’s said that’s made me like her this entire series.  She says there’s no interest in this picture. Elle thinks she would have looked better on her side and she’s sure she tried that at one point. Jennifer isn’t so sure.

Emma’s photo is stunning. Paul can only see her face in it. Elle says that whatever she was thinking, she can connect with it.  We don’t see her runway.

Roxanne is at a really weird angle in her shot. She looks like a mannequin. Whitney likes her figure in it but she looks strained. Tyson thinks it’s clear that she’s worrying about a boyfriend at home and she needs to get that out of her head and she needs to own the shoot. We don’t get to see her walk either.

Anita next. She’s on the verge of getting a swear word attached to her name like Series 5’s Fuckingsophie. Any suggestions?  I’m liking BloodyAnita so far. [I approve. Consider it officially adopted. - Steve] Elle reminds her that she’s not the most confident walker in the group.  Her walk is actually ok, but it’s to the detriment of her face which seems to be in full snarl mode.  Elle points this out too. They all rib her for being a slut again though and point out that her photo shows she didn’t have any trouble shooting with the boys. She says that she was feeling confident and did her thing. She’s not pleased with her mouth but it’s ok. Elle likes it, Whitney thinks that she continues to improve and she’s impressed.  Paul thinks she’s got a strong look and she looks like she knows what she’s doing.

Finally, Risikat.  Whitney thinks she pulled her walk off despite the fact that she fell over.  I just can’t believe they gave her that hair.  Her shot is good though. Julien points out how hard it is to make a ballgown look modern and contemporary but she made it look great and the picture is fun and sexy and he really likes it. Elle disagrees and apologises to Julien.

Elle then declares their feedback interesting and tells them they’re off to deliberate and send someone home. Backstage, Roxanne points out that they don’t know what the judges are thinking. Anita doesn’t think anyone looked ugly in their pictures and Jennifer doesn’t know who did worse than her at catwalk.

Meanwhile, Elle tells the other judges that the deliberation over the photographs may the best part of their week. They start with Lisa.  They all love it, apart from Paul who thinks she could have used her body more. Elle likes the simplicity. Julien thinks that Jennifer could have enjoyed herself more. Elle thinks she could have turned over. Madeleine’s picture doesn’t do it for Whitney and she’s never been impressed with her. Tyson thinks it isn’t bad enough to send her home. Elle thinks she has something but wonders if it’s enough.  Julien goes on some rant about eighteen year old girls and their emotions which I suppose makes sense to him.  Elle picks out one word and makes sense of it. Paul wouldn’t have noticed Emma in a crowd but she took a good photo. Julien agrees and calls her a Plain Jane in person but becomes a superstar with makeup. Roxanne’s picture works for Paul. Julien thinks she brings a challenge to the judges every week, which I’m not sure is a compliment.  Julien calls Anita’s picture “wet, sexy and expensive” which sounds like something you’d read on a card in a Soho telephone box.  Whitney thinks Risikat’s photo is average. Elle thinks it’s fake and she’s lost in it. Tyson isn’t sure how much longer she’ll last.

Back in the elimination room, Elle has eight beautiful girls in front of her, but seven photos in her hand.  Picture of the week goes to Emma, who is as stunned as everyone else. Anita is next followed by Lisa, Roxanne, Letitia who needs more balance apparently and finally Risikat. This leaves Madeleine and Jennifer. I’m not happy with this. I can feel my hackles rise.

They step forward. Elle says they’re both strong with strong looks but they’re not the strongest in the shoots. In the catwalk, Jennifer is under confident and Madeleine is over confident.  I don’t think Madeleine was cheering for herself, Elle. The name of the girl whose photo is in Elle’s hand is... MADELEINE! Hurrah!  Elle hopes Jennifer has had fun. Madeleine pretends to cry to the others backstage whilst Jennifer actually cries over her photo montage.  She’s sad because she’ll miss everyone. She’s happy to have made the top eight. She fades out the picture.

Next week it’s only NICKY FLIPPING JOHNSTONE! I love him.  Plus catfights! Join Steve for that next week. 

Sunday, 26 August 2012

Three's not Company

Top 9: 20th August 2012

Previously on BintModel: the contestants could not speak French (apart from Madeleine), nor could they let the sexy music do the talking. Letitia ended up being the least-worst at pretending to be a Francophone, and her prize was being allowed to steal five minutes of Anne's photo shoot time. This is a particularly bitter blow since the photo shoot in question involved getting all sexy with hot French male models, and also getting to be around Joy from cycle six. I'm trying to imagine how Helen would have responded to someone cutting into her Joy-time. [Cutting- Helen] I don't think it would have gone down well. Whether it was because of reduced time or a general lack of suitability to the task at hand, Anne failed to produce a shot that the judges liked, and she was sent home.

This week: the girls pose near my office! Madeleine lays down some real truth flavour on Anita! Roxanne has some sort of meltdown over Julien! This is going to be amazing.


Late night at Model Manor. Emma interviews that she came very close to going home last week, and that's more than close enough for her liking, thank you very much. Madeleine interviews that it was horrible, and she really didn't think it would be Anne who went. Then there is Elle Mail, read by Lisa: "Hi girls, you'd better start practising those poses, as tomorrow you'll get a chance to display your full model potential. Love Elle x" Lisa (correctly) predicts that they'll be live mannequins, which Anita thinks will be "so much fun!" Risikat points out that it will involve having to stand still for a really long time, which is precisely the opposite of fun in her book. Madeleine, meanwhile, has decided not to get involved in this squabble and is practising her poses on the arm of the sofa instead. Anita and Kellie interview (separately) that Madeleine loves posing, and pretty much never stops.

Carnaby Street! At the risk of oversharing, I'm really excited by this, because I was on Carnaby Street when they were filming this. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I saw lots of girls stood in the middle of the street doing poses with camera crews around them and I thought "I wonder if this is for BintModel?" and IT TOTALLY WAS. I feel as though I'm playing a role in this series, however small. [I'll feel the same way when my episode of Apprentice Babies airs - Helen] Lisa interviews that when they turned up it was pouring with rain and very cold. Thanks, Lisa, but we can pretty much infer that from seeing everyone wearing coats and carrying umbrellas. And the fact that, y'know, you're in Britain. Someone called Laura Whitmore greets them and reminds them that they're in one of the most famous shopping spots in the country, and that as a model you have to get used to people looking at you, so today they'll be competing against each other for the attention of the passing public. They'll be standing on a red carpet for an hour. In the rain. Even pose queen Madeleine is finding it difficult to get enthused about this. Laura Whitmore sends them all off to get changed.

The girls return dressed in plain white long-sleeved tops and blue jeans, clearly shivering. Laura Whitmore tells them that their hour starts now, and that they should commence posing. They're all wearing number tags, presumably for ease of identification in the public vote. Frankly, I wish they'd been wearing those all series, it would've helped me keep Emma and Letitia straight in those post-makeover weeks [I don't understand why they made them look even more the same. - Helen]. The girls strike poses of varying qualities (Anita opts for a particularly tragic one where she places her fingertips together under her chin like she's Jennifer Love Hewitt playing Audrey Hepburn in a bad TV movie [I've seen that TV movie. It's awesome - Helen]) and Risikat looks uncomfortable already. Laura Whitmore jokes with a male passerby about how it's so hard to judge girls, isn't it? I don't know, the Daily Mail seems to manage it without too much trouble. One female bystander offers her vote to Kellie whose poses she likes, while the bloke from earlier likes Anita and Lisa, though I'm not entirely sure it's their modelling skills that he's assessing.

Risikat, meanwhile, has her arms folded and is rolling her eyes, and interviews that her pose represented exactly how she felt. She'll go a long way with that attitude, and by "a long way", I mean "home". Several passerbys point out that Risikat is looking angry and kind of off-putting. Risikat tells Letitia that this whole process is ridiculous and has nothing to do with becoming a top model. I kind of hope she means the show as a whole, but even if she just means this challenge, she's still got a point. What remains of Risikat's patience is eradicated when two women ask all the girls to turn around so they can examine their bottoms (pfft, lesbians) and declare themselves very impressed with Emma's cheeks. That's enough for Risikat, and she's off. "Is she crying?" Lisa asks Letitia. "Or does she just need to go to the toilet?" HA! Laura Whitmore sprints down the street after Risikat, and Roxanne follows, saying that she felt bad about her friend and wanted to make sure that she was all right. Risikat complains to Laura Whitmore that she didn't like being told to turn around and having her arse inspected, and I'm wondering exactly what she thinks happens at a model casting. Here's a hint: it doesn't involve writing essays or giving your thoughts on world peace. If she finds objectification so upsetting, she may want to consider another career. Laura Whitmore does not give her the lecture that Tyra/Mr Jay/Elle/Grace would probably have delivered at this point, and just asks Risikat what she wants to do, and then sends her back to the red carpet without waiting for her answer.

The girls continue posing, with Risikat making as little effort as humanly possible. A passing cook picks Madeleine as his favourite. Roxanne interviews that she'd run out of poses, and this apparently prompted an overall reality TV crisis, so she walks off and starts crying about missing her daughter. Laura Whitmore gives her a big hug, and an unsympathetic passerby photographs the crying girl. Lovely. Laura Whitmore gives Roxanne a quick pep talk and tells her to knock 'em dead in the last 15 minutes. Laura Whitmore has a lot more patience with these lollygaggers than I would have had. Kellie interviews that they're all so lucky to have this opportunity so she doesn't see the point in complaining. She's delighted to be here, on the street, in the rain. Then again, Kellie is Irish. She's probably very used to rain. (I base this assessment on one day this year that I spent in Dublin. I realise that's a fairly narrow sample but MOTHERFUCKER it rained a lot.) At the end of the hour, Laura Whitmore releases them. The person with the fewest votes...was Kellie. Risikat interviews that she's stunned, though to be fair I imagine a lot of the hipsters who frequent Carnaby Street probably thought she was being ironic in her hostility to the whole process, and voted for her because they thought she was one of them. Jennifer interviews that she's amazed Kellie got so few votes when she was working so hard. Kellie, to her credit, takes this crushing vote of indifference from the public with good humour, though she should probably watch out because the bus that came so unswervingly for Anne last week is clearly out for her tonight. The person with the most votes, who wins a shopping spree on Carnaby Street with a friend, is Emma. She picks Letitia to join her, perhaps in the hope that they can spend the money on two of everything and officially become twins. So Emma and Letitia get to stay on Carnaby Street, while everyone else gets sent home. Considering the weather, this might be one of those situations where everyone's kind of fine with not winning.

Ad break. I love that Eva Longoria is advertising Sheba these days, especially when the theme of the advert appears to be "I am considering having sex with my cat".

When we return, everyone's back at the house (no shopping spree montage? Boo!), Just Casually Hanging Out in the way that people on reality TV do when they've clearly been told to Just Casually Hang Out because something's about to happen. [I am particularly enjoying the 'bedtime' hanging about sections because they seem to consist of the girls in full makeup wearing whatever they were wearing that day with slippers and a dressing gown flung on - Helen] The doorbell goes, and it's a takeaway delivery. Hooray! It is, of course, all an excuse for manufactured drama, as the takeaway includes a dessert bag filled with fortune cookies, and Risikat interviews that they were anticipating them to contain some provocative questions. Risikat's asks who has the most annoying habits, and she picks Jennifer, saying that she feels Jennifer tries to force her opinions on to people. Cut to an interview with Jennifer, all "I enjoyed the meal until we got to the Bitch Course." Anita's question is "who is the biggest model diva?" She guffaws "I know if any of you had this question, you would say me!" and the silence that follows suggests that yes, most of them probably would. Anita picks Madeleine, who's all "wow! I've never had a title before!" but then kisses her teeth in an interview, suggesting she's not quite as happy with this turn of events as she'd like everyone to think. Madeleine's question is "who is the least high-fashion?" and she picks Letitia, on the grounds that her face is "pretty sexy". Letitia frostily replies that she can be versatile, while Risikat hypocriterviews that Letitia needs to get over herself. Madeleine gives the best interview of the entire episode when she points out that Letitia's face coupled with her "humungous knockers" are not high-fashion [Oh, I love her so - Helen]. Letitia says that the last three times at panel no one's even mentioned the sexy thing, SO THERE. Emma's question is "who would you least like to be paired with for a photo shoot?" For some reason, they're all deciding to answer this one, going one-by-one around the table. Emma gives the total pussy answer of choosing Roxanne because "she'd steal my limelight". Madeleine answers Anita, "because you'd bore the shit out of me with all your 'I don't know who I'm fancying today'..." Snerk. Anita is outraged by this (entirely accurate) summary of her character, and interviews that she's officially DONE being nice to Madeleine. Oh, grow up. Outside, Anita bitches to Risikat, Letitita and Roxanne that she wouldn't be friends with Madeleine outside of the show, so she doesn't see why she should be friends with her on the show, and also she doesn't like the way Madeleine speaks to people. Because Anita is always so warm and friendly. Madeleine interviews that nothing the other girls say can shock her, yet they always seem to be shocked by everything she says and she doesn't know why. Heh.

The girls are loafing around in the living room sometime later, presumably as a result of post-Chinese takeaway bloat, and an Elle Mail arrives, which Roxanne reads. "Hi girls, In the competitive world of modelling, you have to make first impressions count. You'll be meeting some very important people tomorrow where it's every girl for herself. Love Elle x" The girls presume this means castings. Either they're a pretty astute bunch this year, or the production team have stopped bothering to make them cryptic. Whatever the reason, I'm sure Michael Gove will be intervening soon to stop Elle Mail interpretation inflation.

The next day, the girls walk into a studio, where Julien is standing with top British designer Hasan Hejazi, who appears to be one of those people who is good-looking but dresses like a complete bozo so you don't really notice. He's designed for the likes of Kylie and Jessie J, and Hasan tells the girls he likes a model who has the confidence to portray a sense of sexual power. Julien tells them that he and Hasan will be judging them, but - SHOCK TWIST! - they'll also be judging each other. Lisa interviews that they'll be marking each other's walks out of five - "five being the best," she adds helpfully. Hasan hands out the outfits to the girls, and before giving Roxanne her dress, he asks her to turn around so he can see her bum. See, I TOLD YOU. I don't notice Risikat walking out in disgust, but perhaps she just sneezed when he said that and didn't hear him. I'm sure that must be it.

Emma interviews that when they started to put the clothes on, they realised how small they were - the dresses may have been marked size eight, but they didn't feel like it. Oh, fashion, with your eternal need for women to secretly be fourteen-year-old boys. Madeleine's outfit won't even zip up, despite Jennifer's efforts to help her. Anita can't get her dress over her arse.

Kellie is called upon to walk first, and she interviews that initially she thought the whole judging-each-other thing would be fun, because they'd totally stick together in the interests of sisterhood? Oh, Kellie. You really haven't seen this show before, have you? She gets a total score of 32 from the others, and notes that Letitia only gave her a three, when Letitia's always praised her walk in private. Kellie suspects that Letitia might be deliberately low-balling out of self-interest. Unfortunately, this does not pay off as a strategy since Letitia's walk gets threes from pretty much everyone. "I thought her walk was crap anyway, but I would have given her more marks if she hadn't given me a three," Kellie interviews. Letitia's total is 25. Roxanne's walk is rather stilted, which she explains is because her dress was digging into her pelvis and making her really uncomfortable. This does not escape Hasan's notice. Roxanne gets a score of 22, including a 2 from Letitia. Letitia tries to tell her that "two is really good", and Roxanne shoots right back that Letitia is full of shit because she cried when she got a three. Heh. Also, I notice that Anita is low-scoring everyone too and getting away with it. DAMN YOU ANITA.

Anita walks, admitting that her walk is terrible. She gets 18 (plus whatever Risikat scores her, which isn't shown). Next is Lisa, who gets 37 (not 38, as Julien says, he just can't add up). Emma is after her, and her little sashay at the end of her walk gets mocked by Julien for being old-fashioned. She gets 25 (again, Julien says 26 - is there a secret tenth contestant who always scores one point, or does Julien need a calculator?) Madeleine walks in her leotard, and Jennifer interviews "I think she needed to do her bikini line. It wasn't nice from up close." Heh. Madeleine, however, insists "everything was clean for landing." She gets 22 (Julien and I agree on this one). Risikat walks and gets 36, and during this it seems Letitia is still winding Roxanne up. Jennifer walks and gets a 1 from Letitia, the lowest individual score so far. Letitia's all "I thought Roxanne was better, and I gave Roxanne a two, so *shruggy-shoulders-googly-eyes*" Roxanne is clearly about to lamp her with the little handbag-shaped scorecards they've all got. We don't see Jennifer's overall score.

At the end, Julien comes over all deputy headmaster and tells the girls that if they came to see him for a casting, he'd tell them all to leave because they were all talking and half of them looked bored. He singles Roxanne out in particular, which infuriates her. Later, back at the house, she rants about how she's just "a laid-back person" and she's not going to be saying "'oh hi Julien, I'm so excited to see you again!'" Remember when Joy saw Julien and was all "oh God, him again"? Ah, good times. Letitia interviews chirpily that she feels guilty because she was the one who kept talking to Roxanne. I am so ready for Letitia to go now. Back to the room, and the girl with the most votes is Lisa. Hasan says that the girl who embodies his style the most is Letitia, with a little bit of tweaking. Kellie interviews that Letitia has a "smirky, flirty" look and that's why she was chosen. She wonders if her own look is the reason she's not doing so well lately.

More ads. A reminder that Elementary is coming on later this year. Lucy Liu as Dr Watson? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.

Then we're back at the house for another Elle Mail, read by Risikat. "Hi ladies, Have you been keeping good company with each other? We'll find out soon. Love Elle x" Kellie reckons this must be to do with Company magazine. She's right, because the next day, the girls are led to a rooftop where they're met by Victoria White, editor of Company. (Which is produced in the office two floors below me, just around the corner from Carnaby Street where Risikat had her little strop. Just a bit of background colour for you there.) She tells them they'll be shooting for a six-page spread in the magazine, and hands over to their photographer for the day, Diana Gomez. Diana explains that it's a sports shoot, so she needs energy and attitude, and Victoria tells them that while there are nine of them taking part, only six will appear in the finished feature.

Off to hair and make-up! Jennifer's excited about the potential of appearing in the magazine and hopes to be among the lucky six. Roxanne interviews that they were just sitting there, minding their own business, getting their make-up done, when Rizzle Kicks walked in. Everyone gets very excited, though to be honest I'm not sure I'd recognise Rizzle Kicks if my life depended on it. Also, they're Olly Murs enablers, so I don't approve of them on principle. (Although 'Heart Skips A Beat' is the only Olly Murs song that's any good, I'm SO CONFLICTED.) Anita asks if they'll be in the shoot with them, and Rizzle (or possible Kicks) confirms that they will, and will be such crap models that they'll make the girls look good by comparison. That's possibly the most helpful thing anyone has ever offered to do on this show.

Roxanne is first to be shot, and is keen to appear more warm and approachable after Julien called her moody. She says that in the shoot, she felt like she was embracing having her afro for the first time. Victoria and Diana say that she made it look easy. Up next is Emma, who can't stop shivering. Emma interviews that it was the most difficult shoot to date, and Victoria notes that the combination of shivering and nerves is not a good one. Then we have Jennifer, who's sporting a natty pink visor. She says she treated Rizzle Kicks like she'd known them for years, and Victoria notes how relaxed she looks: "I think she's one of those girls that likes boys." Gasp! You mean she's a heterosexual? BAN THIS SICK FILTH! Lisa is next, and Diana wants her to be more playful and open her eyes more. Lisa's struggling though, because the sun is in her eyes (oh no, she's caught Anita-itis!) and worries that she looked too serious in her shots. Victoria thinks Lisa didn't interact with Rizzle Kicks enough.

That's not a criticism that can be levelled at Madeleine, who has "good moves" and "a great body", according to Victoria, who tells Madeleine at the end that she'd definitely consider booking her for the magazine. Madeleine, of course, goes straight to the others to make sure they know she's a threat, and Anita snoterviews that Madeleine is just a "B-I-T-C-H". For crying out loud, Anita, you are a grown woman and you are on reality TV. You are allowed to say "bitch". Risikat interviews that towards the end of the day, Rizzle Kicks were getting tired and starting to mess around, but she knew she had to focus on standing out to make the cut for the magazine. Unfortunately, they decided at one point to push her out of the shot entirely, which made things somewhat more difficult. Victoria states later that she loved Risikat when she came out and she looked like she fitted in with Rizzle Kicks (maybe they could call themselves Rizzi Kats?), but for some reason it doesn't work in the pictures. Letitia does a good job, but Victoria notes she couldn't really warm to her as a person. Diana tells Rizzle Kicks to whisper something into Anita's ear, but Anita refuses to reveal what they actually said. Personally, I'm hoping it was "you're not very good, how are you still here?" Victoria says that Anita was fun, but lacked Letitia's drive and focus. Finally we have Kellie, who seems to struggle with the relaxed side of things once again, and Victoria thinks she might have been overthinking it all.

Back in the make-up room, there is Elle Mail for Roxanne: "Dear Roxanne, Being a mum I know how tough it can be working away from your children. It has been weeks for you now so I have arranged a little surprise for you." Enter Roxanne's daughter, cue emotional slow-mo montage. Roxanne's daughter looks thoroughly unimpressed with Mum's new hair, incidentally. Roxanne says that seeing her daughter has given her strength and reminded her what she's doing all this for. [This bit was the actual worst. It wouldn't surprise me if the whole section with Julien was to get Roxanne even more upset so this bit would be sadder. Manipulative and transparent. Awful - Helen]

At the house, Emma interviews that she doesn't know who's going home. Risikat points out that they don't really know what the clients needs were. Madeleine, who pretty much got a guarantee that she met the client's needs, is pretty confident about her chances, but admits that it's all down to the whims of the judges.

Speaking of which, Voice of Fearne reminds us that it's judgement day. What, no Elle Mail? Swizz. After VoF has run us through the prizes, she introduces us to this week's guest judge: hot British model (and daughter of Annie) Tali Lennox. In the judging room, Elle tells the girls that this week they learned that everyone's going to have a different perspective on them: their clients, their competitors, sarky bloggers, and so on. First up for appraisal is Madeleine. We see her picture, and Tali thinks there's not much of a dynamic between Madeleine and Rizzle Kicks, but that Madeleine looks stunning. Whitney thinks Madeleine's body looks amazing in the picture, but her facial expression is too harsh. Elle says that the editor really liked her, and they've chosen her picture for the magazine. What a surprise! Next up is Anita, and Elle sees her as "this gorgeous actress". Tyson thinks she's "getting it". Or at least she will be later, AMIRITE? Julien tells her to "forget about The Rizzle Kicks" (bless), because the picture is all about her. Anita has been chosen to be in the magazine, because the universe hates me and she's going to be around forever despite being The Actual Worst.

Obligatory mid-judging ad break. Smirnoff really do seem to be going out to reach that coveted hipster demographic, don't they?

When we return, Jennifer is next. Tyson loves her body expression, and thinks she looks like Italian Vogue. Tali thinks it's almost there, but it needs more directness. Elle reveals that Jennifer's picture narrowly missed selection. The fuck? I will never understand how Anita got in and Jennifer didn't, especially since Jennifer seemed to be performing so well during the actual shoot. (Perhaps Jennifer's look is too harsh for Company, which is a possibility. Even so, though: Anita? REALLY?!) Next is Lisa, whose shot is loved by the entire panel and she made the cut for the magazine. I know this is pretty much a staple of the Top Model franchise, but this week more than ever it seems like what happens on the shoot and the verdicts given at panel take place in two separate realities. Then we have Letitia, who is reminded that the girls all thought she sucked during the casting challenge, but the client loved her, which just goes to show that in the fashion world, no one really cares if you're a bitch as long as you keep booking work. Her picture doesn't get rave reviews: Whitney thinks she looks constipated. Tyson disagrees, however, he thinks she looks fresh. Elle tells her that the clients liked her as a model but not as a person, but she's in the magazine anyway. Gah! At this rate it's going to be an Anita vs Letitia final and I might actually hurt myself.

Dum-dum-de-dum-dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum. That funereal tone is to indicate that Risikat is next, and Elle wants to talk about what happened on the living mannequin challenge. What gives? Risikat explains that she was feeling low and homesick, and she didn't want to stand in the cold and rain for an hour because it didn't feel like it was anything to do with modelling. Elle tells her that there is "a certain element of people having a perspective on the way you look" (a certain element???) and if Risikat can't deal with that, this is probably not the right job for her. Tali tells her that as a model you do get homesick, but the reality is that NO1 CURR. Tyson tells her that walking off a job is not good, and they might send her home just for that. Risikat waggles her head, and Tyson objects to that as well. We see her best shot, and Julien says that they look like a band where she's the lead singer, and she overshadows the boys. Company liked the picture so much that it's going in the magazine, and Risikat simpers so much that even Letitia is like "gurl, dial it down a notch"

Next is Emma, whose shot is "a tricky one" according to Tali, because Rizzle Kicks look like they're having fun but Emma looks like she doesn't want to be there. Elle doesn't love it either, but Julien likes the picture - he feels like Emma's striking a modelly pose between two sporty guys. Elle tells Emma that the clients thought she looked uncomfortable, and her picture will not be in Company. After her comes Kellie, whose body language tells the judges from the off that she's not feeling very confident this week. She explains how she totally bombed the live mannequin challenge, and Elle suggests they look at her photo: Whitney feels conflicted about it because Kellie's face looks pretty but there's "something about it I'm just not understanding". Well, that's helpful. Kellie's picture will not be in Company, nor will it be on the side of the bus that is coming for her in about five minutes' time. Finally, we have Roxanne: she explains that she's struggled with her emotions, and Elle says that that's why they arranged to have her daughter come and visit her, because the fashion world is notoriously sympathetic and accommodating like that. Roxanne says that she feels better now that she knows her daughter is okay. I'm sure that whoever is caring for the daughter in Roxanne's absence, presumably free of charge, was thrilled to hear that extremely complimentary assessment of their guardianship skills. Roxanne sees her picture and doesn't like it, but we all know it's going to be in Company anyway because three girls have already been rejected. Apparently Roxanne is the editor's favourite and the photographer's favourite. Julien likes it because it's young and editorial, and Tali thinks it's a well-balanced photo.

Backstage: Emma sobs that she thinks she's going home. In the judging room, the judges deliberate. Whitney grumbles that the client chose Madeleine to be in the magazine even though she thinks hers was the weakest picture. OH NOES SUCH BETRAYAL. Julien thinks she looks like she's walking out of the competition. Anita looks like a top model, everyone thinks, and Tali Lennox adds that Anita seems like a really nice girl. Tali Lennox is clearly an appalling judge of character. The judges loved Jennifer's shot, but Company did not. Julien thinks Lisa's shot is strong and athletic. Whitney doesn't love Letitita's pose, but enjoys seeing her look different, even if that's a styling change rather than a modelling one. Risikat's picture is great, but her attitude stinks. Julien thinks Emma has incredible potential, but she just needs some help. Tyson wonders if they might be too far into the process for that. Julien keeps falling in love with Kellie's personality, but not her modelling. Whitney agrees that they need to separate the two. Interestingly, no one made this point when Tali was gushing about what a wonderful human being Anita must clearly be. Finally, Roxanne delivered a great photo, and Whitney thinks she deserves to stay.

The girls return. Elle has nine girls before her, but only eight pictures in her hand. First called and winner of picture of the week is Lisa. Following her are Roxanne, Jennifer, Risikat, Anita, Letitia, and Emma. That leaves Kellie and Madeleine in the bottom two, and Elle informs them that "the name of the girl I do not call must leave immediately." For the love of fierce, Elle, SORT YOUR SENTENCE STRUCTURE OUT. Elle tells them that they're both there because they have the weakest shots, but one of the images was liked by the client, and one of the images was liked by the judges. If that's the case, then why was the only feedback they showed for Kellie's picture Whitney talking about how she didn't understand it? Ugh, this show sometimes. Anyway, obviously this is modelling and the needs of the client are paramount (and also this is reality TV and the epicmazing bitch has to stick around), so Madeleine gets a picture and Kellie is dismissed. Kellie, characteristically, takes this news very well - far better than I do. I need to stop having favourites on this show, because my favourites never last long. (Ufuoma, NEVA 4GET.) Madeleine heads back to join the other survivors and is all "LOL I'M STILL HERE BITCHES". Jennifer congratulates her, Risikat mumbles something vaguely positive, no one else seems particularly moved.

Kellie is just pleased to have got this far and made some good friends. She's going to miss Lisa the most, because the Axis Of Irish, while nowhere near as amazing as last year's Axis Of Blonde Eastern European Evil, was one of the sweeter strands of narrative subtext this series. Judging by the way Lisa's crying, I suspect the feeling is mutual. Kellie heads back to say goodbye, and the girls pile on her. We see Kellie's portfolio, and to be fair, it's not exactly amazing, but I still think she was a fun presence on this show and I for one shall miss her.

Next week: a nude shoot! With boys! And a catwalk on water, which seems to involve someone taking a full-on buttplant. I hope it's Anita. Join Helen next week for all the details.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

I can't speak French, so I something something talking

Top 10 – 13th August 2012

Hello! Yes, you are all expecting me last week but you got Steve instead, which is no bad thing in my eyes but it definitely is my turn to pour some scorn on the models with my bitchy gravy boat. (Does that work? I like it. It’s the kind of mood I’m in so lucky you lot.)

And so to business. We get a recap of last week. The highlights of which are everyone looking a bit like men and Anne got through by virtue of not being Tasmin.  This week it looks like advert recording (YAY) and we’re promised an old face.  I hope its Joy and not Celia Oldface from ANTM who looked like an actual Terrahawk. Could it be Joy?  If it was her, I’d be filled with... pleased.


Everyone goes back to the house. Anne cryterviews that everything is SO HARD whilst Anita holds court over everyone saying how the photoshoot should have been so ‘her thing’. Seriously, why are we being told that Madeleine is the villain when Anita exists? Lisa says, wait for it, “being in the bottom two makes you feel like you’re at the bottom of the bunch”. Seriously. How are we ever struggling as a country when there are great minds like this working on our television screens? Anita hopes that being in the bottom two will give Anne a kick up the arse. SERIOUSLY, FUCK OFF.

Come on Madeleine, make it better. Madeleine interviews that Anne was her biggest competition and now she has slid to the bottom two and now she feels like she has a chance. Anne interviews that she’s going to be ten times better this week.

ELLE MAIL! “Hello girls! So you’ve previously learned how to walk the walk but can you talk the talk? Be ready at 6am tomorrow love Elle x”. Let’s see them try to work this one out then. Risikat thinks that she’ll be presenting television. Anne thinks it’s interviewing someone. Anita suddenly announces in the middle of all this that she loves presenting. Yes, because of all that stuff that you’ve presented because your face is EVERYWHERE. Emma snideterveiews that Anne seems scared by talking and she’s probably worried. Everyone goes to bed.

But this is television so we don’t have to wait because it’s the next morning now and Kellie is telling us about a gigantic apartment that they all go to where Whitney (I still don’t know who she is. Or is it that I don’t care? One or the other, I dunno) is with the client. The client is Ludovic Leray who is not a Bond Villain but a representative of Alcatel who do phones and shit. Ludovic wants them to shoot an advert and embrace a continental feel and prove they have a Je ne sais quoi. For totally real the only two who know what this is are Risikat and Madeleine. The rest of them look confused and blank faced. [More so than usual. - Steve] Risikat and Madeleine all but high five each other.  Whitney then breaks the news that in honour of our very own Steve who aced his A level French this week they will be doing the advert in French which is the language of love and that they will have to pretend to be talking to their lover.  Madeleine looks about ready to pop at this news when Whitney tells her that she will be doing the advert in Italian to make it fair because she grew up in France. So the fact that she has to do every other challenge in her second language doesn’t come into this then? Cos apparently that’s totally fair. LOGIC, THY NAME IS NEVER BINTMODEL.

Madeleine takes this with good grace because she’s actually a decent human being. Whitney tells them that they have an hour to learn their lines. This makes Lisa actually panic. Whitney wishes them bon chance but she doesn’t use a French accent so it doesn’t mean anything.

Montage of thick girls getting stuff wrong for our amusement!

Madeleine is translating for everyone because, as I said above, she’s only a superbitch when they feel like it. Letitia interbitches that she couldn’t learn her lines because everyone was talking around her and it confused her tiny head. Anita needs to practice with a telephone whilst Jennifer removes the last sliver of respect I had for her by describing the situation as “so cringe”.

Kellie arrives first doing her whole Father Dougal thing. I’m not saying she does a Father Dougal thing because she’s Irish, I’m saying it because she’s a wide eyed innocent that you can’t help but feel has only very narrowly avoided a horrible fate by being so oblivious. Kind of like the model and singular equivalent of Jedward. Kellie is shown the space and is reminded by Whitney that she only has three takes. The hands Kellie the phone and wishes her luck. She stuffs the words up and apologises. She does a voiceover that says that she found it intimidating that Whitney was in the room (wtf?) but by the third go she was getting into the swing of it. Her French accent is good but patchy. Whitney is so pleased for her by the third go. Whether or not she’s just had enough is unclear. Kellie’s advice for the other girls is not to show your nerves. I don’t know either.

Anne next! Poor Anne. She’s not a natural pretend French person. Whitney thinks it’s painful. Not going to argue there. Lisa forgets her words, as does Jennifer. Jennifer interviews that it wasn’t happening. Letitia just goes for full on flirt and interviews that she forgot everyone was in the room which was awkward. Awkward how?  Ludovic loves her because she managed to speak the right words in the right accent and interpreted them.  Oh how low is the bar. Roxanne has a complete blank. She interviews that it was awful. Whitney brands it a disaster. It’s at this point that I realise that they’re using flip phones. BECAUSE THEY’RE THE FUTURE ALRIGHT. Speaking of disasters, here’s Anita!  I don’t know what language she’s speaking but it doesn’t have any punctuation. At least she’s got the good grace to be embarrassed.  Ludovic thinks that it sounds like she was an answering machine.  Risikat next, and Whitney asks her if she would like to spit out her gum. Risikat replies that the chewing gum is from Willy Wonka and actually makes her French complete with a “Grr”. Whitney says that she didn’t know that the French were famous for chewing gum and Risikat still doesn’t get the hint. EVEN IF IT’S MAGIC GUM YOU STILL SHOULDN’T HAVE IT. She interviews that she actually understood that Whitney thought the gum was inappropriate but it was magic gum that made her French so she kept it. The gum doesn’t make her growly, it makes her giggly. Whitney complains to Ludovic about the gum but thinks the performance was good.

Emma next. She says QUANTRO SINK. Whitney thinks it’s Spanish. Ludovic just knows that it isn’t French. They end up with no actual words. Madeleine does really well with her Italian. She interviews that she doesn’t care what language she has to do it in cos she’s really good with languages. Whitney’s opinion is that Italian is a beautiful language and Madeleine didn’t make it beautiful. Oh piss off. Madeleine goes back and tells the other girls that her first take was great. Emma replies that she just said one word from each sentence and Madeleine laughs because she agrees. I can’t see what’s wrong with that.

Judging time! Ludovic thinks that some of them were Tres bien and others not so good. I think he missed a trick not saying terrible here, but I’m not writing the bloody scripts. (Can you IMAGINE, etc.) He thinks Emma was the least impressive and Letitia the most. She pretends to be shocked at this. Whitney tells her she’s getting five extra minutes at the shoot but those five minutes will have to come from someone else and she has to choose. That doesn’t seem like much of a prize, Bintmodel. The girls are divided in their strategy to deal with this. Those closest to the camera (Kellie, Jennifer, Risikat and Anne) go for hiding their faces. Roxanne, Lisa, Emma and Anita go for looking the other way and with by far the most effective and my favourite solution is Madeleine, who goes for the out and out “just try it, bitch” glare.  Letitia picks Anne for the shit reason that she thinks she can take it. This totally ignores the fact that she was in the bottom two last week.  Letitia seems to think that she’s been doing well. She remembers later. Anne wouldn’t mind if not for all the pity faces. She says this when she’s obviously been crying. Shame. Whitney tells them all that they’re all off to Paris for their shoot and they have two hours to get ready. Cue much whooping.

After the break – male models and Anita is still the resident slag. Can’t wait!

We’re back! Letitia is really happy to be going to Paris. Risikat reckons that it’s just what the life of a top model is about. They get Kellie the bumpkin out to talk about how fancy the hotel is. They’re staying at the Arc de Triomphe Hilton and they’ve put on a champagne reception for them. But what’s this?

ONLY MY FAVOURITE TOP MODEL CONTESTANT EVER, JOY. Praise be for she has returned! So many memories! The open hostility toward Julien! The open hostility toward the machine! The absolute refusal to be in any way a traditional whooping, screeching talking head. [The not-quite-knowing if she was allowed to leave during the live final! - Steve] I love her and so should you.

Letitia is excited to see her. Kellie remarks how well she’s done for herself and she didn’t even win. Does this mean we’re not getting a sponsored winner this year? EXCITING. Joy’s got some woman called Laura with her who does something to do with Impulse body spray or something. I don’t care! It’s JOY ON MY TELLY. The photoshoot will be about bringing to life an Impulse spray. I do hope one of the shots is one of them dressed up as a twelve year old trying to nick them.  She introduces Joy.

Joy’s face says “Think of the money”. She has a script. She tells the girls that it’s nice to meet them and she’s lucky to have had such a successful career since being on the show and she works a lot in Paris so tomorrow she’s going to come along to give them all some moral support because she’s been there and can help them. Lisa tells the girls to have some champagne, but not too much because they’ve got a really early start in the morning. Joy is applauded as is correct. (Just as a side note, if you’re expecting any balanced account of Joy’s time on this episode, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Joy is correct, you are wrong. It’s how the world works.)

Risikat then wonders aloud what Joy will bring to the shoot or whether she will be helpful. Madeleine remarks that she better be. Roxanne thinks it’s a good thing because based on her previous performance she was quite nervous. Letitia is happy to get advice from anyone who’s been through the process. They all decide to go to bed.

Parisporn and the makeup montage are combined and Anne is first to the slaughter. She arrives in a Hilton branded dressing gown and is doing a True Love fragrance. Guess we all know what the gigantic P was for now, eh? She’s introduced to the male model and this week’s Photographer Lionel Deluy who unfortunately is not a FitPhotographer. Never mind. That’s what the male model is for I suppose. JOY IS THERE. Lionel reminds Anne that she only has five minutes, just to keep those nerves down. It’s OK, because Lionel is the BEST PHOTOGRAPHER EVER because he’s taken photos of Angelina Jolie and Katy Perry. BOKAY THEN, THAT’S WHY I’VE TOTALLY HEARD OF YOU. Anne actually looks encouraged by this. He says “let’s go baby” completely unironically. OH DEAR GOD. Joy actually couldn’t look less interested at this juncture. Did I mention I love her? Anne interviews that she didn’t want to come across as nervous so she went straight in there and imagines that the model is her boyfriend. Joy is asked what she thinks and she says it’s really nice, but the client (Laura) wants her to look a bit happier and wants her to look more loved up.  Joy thinks they look like a couple on holiday and its “sweet” but Laura wants to see something different in the last minute. Anne interviews with a really blotchy face that if she’d have had some extra time she might have had the confidence to change it up a bit. LOOK OUT FOR THE BUS, ANNE. She finishes and the male model applauds her.

Next up is Jennifer and in the interests of good television she has been given a fragrance which is really feminine, soft and girlie. She interviews that this is ridiculous with her haircut. THAT’S THE POINT.  She seems to do a good job though. Laura thinks that Jennifer is really pretty but the chemistry isn’t there. Joy agrees then gets up to show her how it’s done and throws out about ten poses that are brilliant in the space of five seconds. With the tutelage of Joy, Jennifer manages to look a lot softer and Laura pretends to agree but her face says otherwise.  Lionel says that she’s done a “good final baby”. Lionel, it seems, is off of the 70’s.

Lisa next.  Laura reminds her that chemistry is needed as well as looking gorgeous.  Lionel just wants her to kiss the male model. Lisa interviews that it was fine working with the male model but she was a bit nervous. He was apparently lovely and put her at ease though. She found that going with the flow helped. Lionel continues to be obsessed with making her kiss him. She apparently doesn’t mind being treated like a gigantic Barbie doll having her face mashed against a Ken and says she’ll do whatever he wants. Lionel just shouts cute at her over and over. This is weird.

Backstage, Anita wants to know ALL THE DETAILS of ALL THE KISSING. Kellie, who is far sweeter than the Dougal Maguire persona given to her by the producers, thinks that Anita will enjoy the male model. Anita interviews that she thinks she’ll be ok with him because she’s a bit of a flirt. Anita seems to please Lionel as she’s up for kissing the male model.  Lionel demands it and she interviews that she thought “ok then”. I wish the producers would keep up. She’s the one that you’re painting as LOLKOOKYSLUT so it really wouldn’t be a decision for her, would it? The male model refuses her though and asks for it on the cheek. AHAHAHA! Joy thinks that she looked comfortable and relaxed and fit the brief. She looks and sounds as interested as if she was reading out her shopping list. I LOVE YOU JOY.

Next up is Risikat. Laura explains that her fragrance is all about glamour. Risikat immediately gets on her hands and knees which pleases Lionel IMMENSELY.  He actually says “Niiiiiiiice” and that she “looks like a cat” whilst everyone else looks a bit confused.  Laura thinks she’s really aware of her posture whilst Joy agrees without really looking. Risikat interviews that she thinks she did really well because everyone got excited, especially the photographer. I wouldn’t be too pleased about getting a total perv excited Risikat, it’s not that hard.  She explains that the photographer asked her for the “Dirty eyes” and I’m a little bit sick in my mouth. Risikat isn’t sure if it’s a compliment. Joy says that she was amazing in every shot, Laura is happy that she didn’t have to direct her and Lionel thinks she worked a shot that wasn’t easy. WHY DON’T YOU ALL JUST MARRY HER THEN?

Next up is poor, poor Roxanne with her orange hair.  Some branded hairspray is randomly shoved into shot. Roxanne is playing chess in the photo. Roxanne interviews that the shoot was hard because she had to play chess and be playful and flirty PLUS interacting with the male model. Lionel asks her to bite her lip. Remember this, it will be important later. She interviews that she tried to be smiley and playful but there really isn’t much she can do in this shot.  Lionel thanks her and tells her that she had a difficult shot to pull off.

Next up is Letitia.  Joy cares so little for her that she’s on her Blackberry.  Laura wants her to be discreet and elegant rather than sexy and sultry.  Letitia interviews that extra time is a poisoned chalice because if she doesn’t do well she’s got no excuses. OH BOO HOO. Lionel thinks that she looks like ten million dollars. Joy looks up from her Blackberry and agrees that she looks very sexy.  Lionel thinks that she should finish early and fistbumps her, calls her baby and sends her off.  Lionel tells her that he doesn’t need fifteen minutes with her, two is enough because she’ so beautiful and not to tell the other girls. There are so many creepy things and innuendo in that statement that it made my tiny brain explode a little bit. Letitia interbrags about this and how nice it was to hear it. I’d be in a bath, love. Lionel talks to Laura and Joy about how great she was. Emma wants to know if her extra time was helpful and Letitia lies unconvincingly. She interviews that she didn’t want to tell them about not using the extra time as she didn’t want to gloat so she’s doing it now instead.

Now for the moment I’ve been waiting for, Madeleine vs. Joy. Madeleine’s shoot begins with Lionel telling her not to be so frightening so she tries to smile and the overall impression is that episode of Friends where Monica is trying to get an engagement picture of her and Chandler. Laura reminds her that she’s trying to encapsulate love at first sight.  Joy tells her to be a bit softer in her face. Madeleine interviews about her process, saying that the looks she was going for was not ‘in love’ but ‘about to fall in love’ so she had no idea what to do. Laura tells her to soften up for the last few shots and Lionel seems to like this as does Laura who likes the “softer head”. Joy explains to Madeleine that it took her a long time to get expressions down too and tells her to practice. She tells the other girls that Joy told her that she was the same as her and she’s not a weirdo. They look dubious.

Laura introduces Emma to the male model and says that she’s going to be a temptress. Emma interviews about how nervous she was, especially with the male model and how it was all a bit awkward when she was meant to be confident. Lionel tells her not to be nervous which would immediately put me on edge. He calls her baby and compares her to Angelina Jolie.  Laura thinks it’s great. Joy was thinking that she might crumble but she ended up doing really well.

Finally, Kellie who is being a tease. She interviews that this meant she had to be playful and flirty. At the start she was tense and shying away but she pushed the nerves aside because she really, really wants a good shot. Lionel loves it and calls her baby AGAIN. She interviews that she got stronger toward the end. Joy is happy that she didn’t need much direction, Lionel thinks she did a really good job.

Coming up! Fake birthday Drama! Are we still playing Madeleine is a total bitch? YEAH WE ARE!

Post-shoot the girls are all sitting in a tea shop in Paris when Jennifer “randomly” asks everyone how they think the shoot went. These scripted segments aren’t working. Stick to interviewing the girls with a shred of acting talent. Anne thinks her shoot went alright and Madeleine looks sceptical. She reminds us all that she only had five minutes and if she had a bit longer she could have had more poses. Letitia, who is NOT BRAGGING repeats that she didn’t even need her extra minutes and Anne could have totally kept them.  A waiter comes along with an Elle Mail and Anita wonders why it’s been handed to her.  It’s because it’s her birthday and Elle has arranged a special meal to help her celebrate but it’s only a table for five. MMMM, MANUFACTURED DRAMA. Anita wonders aloud why anyone would do this to her on her birthday. Oh let’s see? Let’s start with the fact that YOU ARE ON A REALITY SHOW. She pretends that it was a hard decision but eventually admits that there are four girls that she likes best.  She goes with Lisa, Kellie, Risikat and Roxanne. Anita resolves to look hot so she can forget being cruelly rejected by the male model and say bonjour to some French totty.

Kellie interviews that they went out to a fancy restaurant which happened to be French. She got to eat all the traditional dishes like snails and frogs legs and it was really nice. Anita interviews that she will look back on her 20th birthday on her 70th and think about what a great night she had. Roxanne wonders aloud what the others are doing. WELL, Jennifer interviews that they had a slumber party which seems like heaps more fun than a fancy French meal, especially seeing as in involved Madeleine doing impressions of Anita. Jennifer interviews that she really didn’t like Madeleine, how she was or how she acted. Emma tells Madeleine that she does get along with her, but doesn’t always know where she’s coming from.

Madeleine couldn’t care less if someone doesn’t understand what she says.

Letitia pushes it a bit further and wants to know why she gets upset at not being taken seriously when she says mean things.  Madeleine says that she’s not mean and that she’s joking. Jennifer says that she jokes about the wrong things and Madeleine reminds her that it’s Letitia’s turn. Jennifer insists that it’s a group conversation. It’s Madeleine’s conversation. Even I know that. Letitia interviews that she will never understand Madeleine and that’s the way she wants it. OF COURSE IT IS.

Madeleine is also the topic at dinner. Anita calls her a babe, BUT it is agreed that she’s only good in small doses. Risikat interviews that everyone has something to say about Madeleine. Back at the table she reminds everyone that Madeleine is the star of the show because everyone is talking about her, even on Anita’s birthday. Everyone else fails to see the logic of this statement and this is why Madeleine will continue to rule them all.  Risikat interviews that Madeleine should stay herself because she’s just different.

MADELEINE WILL CONTINUE TO BE HERSELF BECAUSE SHE LIKES HERSELF. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is your quote of the series.

It’s the next day everyone, because we’re having breakfast now. Everyone actually SCREAMS at an envelope on the table. It’s an Elle Mail and its Kellie’s turn to read it. “Hi girls, tomorrow one of you will be leaving the competition for good. Before we say goodbye to Paris, I’ve decided to treat everyone to a riverboat cruise along the Seine so you can bid Au Revoir to Paris in style. Love, Elle x” . Anita interviews that she was hungover and the last thing she wanted to do was get on a boat with a dicky tum. Kellie is oblivious and interviews that they all enjoyed the boat trip and thought it was a lovely way to wrap things up. She thinks that this could be her life and she’s lucky and blessed to be there and she doesn’t want it to end.  Bless ‘er. Anita actually loves it in Paris. Lisa agrees and says that she’s so jealous of Joy. As well you should be. Risikat interviews she realises how far she’s come and she doesn’t want to go home but someone will and that’s the point.

Back in London, poor Anne is still going on about how well she could have done with some extra minutes.  I think the big kids call this FORESHADOWING.  Letitia, who really has no place commenting thinks that Anne better have a good photo because she’s so upset with herself because Anne has a lot of potential.

Judgement time! This week’s guest panellist is MEL B! In the week where I have been watching a lot of old Bo Selecta [you're fired - Steve] this is like gold to me. FISH PASTE! Elle welcomes them all back from Paris and tells them that today that ten will become nine. Everyone giggles at Mel B. Perhaps they’ve been watching Bo Selecta too? Prizes!

We are starting with Kellie. Elle likes her look, which is Elle Woods forgot her trousers. Her advert is painful but not as bad as it could be. Whitney was impressed by her. Her photo is a bit meh. It’s one of Elle’s favourites. Tyson thinks it’s just two people in the park, which is what it is, but I get what he means. Elle and Whitney feel it and Mel B thinks she looks dreamy. Auntie Julien is not permitted to speak.

Elle then invites Letitia up and tells everyone that she had the best advert so wants to know if everyone agrees.  She’s putting the pauses in the wrong bits which is surely reason enough for her not to have won. Elle admits her dialogue was off but everything was in her face. She explains to everyone that she had extra time for her photo. Her photo is a bit catalogue for my tastes. Mel B thinks its drop dead gorgeous, Julien thinks that she’s a star and a star is born and like it or not she’s a star. So she’s a star then? Elle thinks that she should have given the feeling of being close without actually being close as she’s lost her neck but all that is technical because she looks gorgeous.

Risikat’s gum chewing doesn’t help her embarrassing advert and Elle calls her a pussy cat. Tyson likes it though. Have I mentioned how lovely Tyson is yet today? Well, he is. They like her photo too, which is a bit Zoo Magazine for my liking but I’ve given up predicting what these guys want. Tyson expected nothing less, Whitney thinks it’s selling a bit much but she can’t deny that Risikat is beautiful and Mel B just shouts out “Glamour”. Elle thinks she looks like she’s into something.

Mid judging ad break. GRR!

There’s a vrooming noise in the distance which can only mean that Anne is up next. Madeleine openly laughs at her French and Elle remarks that it’s gibberish and that her nerves were all over her face. Anne looks resigned. She knows what’s coming. Elle decides to erase it and goes to her picture, which is ok. Elle likes it. Auntie Julien points out that she’s the most edgiest girl in the competition but the photo is about true love and romance and she’s not the edgy girl or something. Julien, what ARE you talking about? Whitney points out that she got five minutes less than everyone else because Letitia. Elle wants to know why and suggests that it might have been to knock out the competition and Letitia looks like that might be the case. Elle calls her a cheeky monkey. Mel B thinks that she’s not coming across in the photo the same as she is in real life and the photo is a bit too smiley. Anne agrees.

Roxanne actually facepalms on viewing her video and quite rightly so. It’s terrible. She looks like she’s doing an oral exam.  She admits it was bad. In her best shot she’s biting her lip. They ask what she thinks. She doesn’t like it. Julien complains that she’s biting her lip. THE PHOTOGRAPHER TOLD HER TO DO IT! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF WOMAN! She doesn’t. [To be fair, that never works either - then they just get told not to blame the photographer for their failings. - Steve] Julien admits that the photo is ladylike though. Tyson likes it and thinks she’s being hard on herself. Its Elle’s least favourite.

Lisa’s turn. Elle likes that she’s stolen Jennifer’s clothes.  She admits that she tried to hard with the accent on her advert and she’s right. It’s like something out of Allo Allo. Everyone laughs at it whilst Elle makes a NOT joke. Everyone gets excited over her picture. Whitney loves her luscious lips and its Tyson’s favourite shot of the day.

Anita has forgotten her trousers and we’re supposed to think that this is a good thing. Her advert is AWFUL but Elle still wants a call from her. Anita admits that she failed French. QUELLE SURPRISE. Her shot is good, the cow. Mel B loves it and wonders why the male model didn’t want to kiss her. Tyson remarks that she must’ve been happy to be near a man. Julien remarks about the level of booty in the shot and how it’s sex on leg. Julien thinks she’s transformed from a young girl into a gorgeous, expensive woman. Whitney thinks it’s effortless and Elle thinks it’s gorgeous.

Jennifer’s up next and she has the good grace to look away when her advert is playing. If it were me I’d leave the country.  Elle thinks she sounds like a German trying to speak French. For some reason, this is hilarious. Her shot is good and she’s doing her best to look romantic with her haircut. Elle points out that her body language is saying different things to her hair.  You did that to her! Tyson thinks she did a good job because the model looks like he’s her boyfriend. 

Apparently the brand and Whitney thought that Emma was the worst in the advert challenge.  There’s not a lot in it to be honest. Whitney said it was tough to watch and Elle thinks she wasn’t focused. They wait with baited breath to see if she redeems herself with the photo. She doesn’t.  Whitney points out that it looks a bit like a prom photo and she’s completely on the money.  She also says it’s cheesy and obvious. Mel B thinks it’s safe and a bit cheesy and Elle would like to see her out of her comfort zone because she’s not at all.

Finally, Madeleine. Elle explains why they made her do hers in Italian. Tyson says they should have made her do it in Japanese.  It’s good though, and Elle says well done.  Her photograph is ok, but Elle points out that she’s not the brand favourite. Whitney thinks it’s her prettiest photo and Tyson doesn’t agree with the brand.  Madeleine is pleased to hear this.

Now it’s time for the judges to deliberate. They start with Kellie. Tyson thinks the picture is weak but she’s not one of the weak ones. Letitia is Mel B’s favourite. Elle isn’t sure about the shape she’s created with her body.  Risikat is next. Elle loves the balance of her body. Mel B likes Anne’s body. Tyson commends Letitia’s evil genius. Elle agrees with Mel B because Anne in person gives off a look but it’s not coming across in photos. Julien would like to look like Roxanne if he was a woman and everyone agrees that she needs to love herself more. They all love Lisa and Anita which is really boring.  Julien leads the Louis Walsh judging and says that Anita reminds him of a little Penelope Cruz. Tyson thinks there’s worse shots than Jennifer’s and they all agree that Emma is a bit meh. Whitney hangs off Tyson and does an impression of her. Mel B thinks that they look good together. HANDS OFF WHITNEY WHOEVERYOUARE.  Finally, Elle thinks she looks like Naomi in the photo and even though she’s not traditionally beautiful and hard to photograph she pulls it out the bag consistently.  So, it’s decision time!

Elle has nine photographs in her hand etc. Picture of the week goes to Anita. Next is Lisa followed by Letitia, Risikat, Kellie, Jennifer, Madeleine and finally Roxanne although it’s by the skin of her teeth. Cue much hugging and high fiving in the green room.

So, it’s down to Anne and Roxanne. Letitia has the good grace to feel bad. Elle explains that the expectations were high for both. Elle takes the credit for Anne’s face by saying that they created an amazing look for her but it’s not translating into photographs and she’s disappointed she’s not using it. Emma is beautiful but she doesn’t do anything with it, but it’s Emma that’s getting another chance. Bye Anne! Elle calls her a good sport and hugs her. She interviews that she felt like she could have done more but she’s going to work on not letting time pressure her.  She never dreamed that it would be like this and she fades out of the picture.

Joins Steve next week for walk outs, fall outs and breakdowns! My favourites. Until then...