Friday, 19 October 2012

Where did you go...

Where are they now? Broadcast 8th October 2012

Hello! Welcome to the final recap of the series (I’m not calling it a cycle). Also, welcome to a world where Bloody Anita isn’t the best at winning a reality TV show model in the country and it actually went toLetitia who spent the whole shenanigans hanging around in the background like a particularly smelly, buxom, weepy broccoli fart – being mildly offensive to the senses but never quite being irritating enough to cause a scene or interesting enough to cause comment. Apparently, being more interesting than Emma G is enough to make you a Top Model these days. Who knew?

But less of that, we need to talk about where the models are these days. I think this show is basically to remind us of some of the people who are going to be on America’s Next Top Model British Invasion. Either that or it’s just pure rubbernecking. We’ll see.

First up we have a montage of the previous winners that goes Alex, Tuffunuh, that one nobody can remember, Jade, Mecia then Lucy. I don’t see Lianna, which pleases me because she’s awful. Are any of these girls actually likeable?  The fucking voice of Fucking Fearne tells us that thousands have applied and the grand total of 103 girls have entered the house and eight have become Top Models. She then burbles some crap about the process of becoming a top model and how tough it is. We see Olivia from series 6 having a good old melt down. We then see the icyphotoshoot from series 6. God, they were horrible to the girls that year.  I get to see Alisha pretend that it was fun though.  Always good. It wasn’t all fun though, Fearne cautions us. No, at some point, you turned up. We see series 1 Lucy crying to her mum, Series 7 Tanya having a good old water melt down and for some reason, Kirsty series 6 playing with a sparkler. Random. 

The experience is once in a lifetime though. We’re promised a trip around the world to see how the girls are getting on and how their time on a reality TV show boosted their career gave them the experience that they needed to make it as a Top Model. It’s changed Mecia’s life.  She’s been in an Olly Murs video and EVERYTHING. Modelling saved her from having to be a travel agent or an air hostess.  This show changes lives everyone! Joy (MY JOY) used to live in a council estate in Leeds and can’t believe how her life has changed. Charlotte’s been Miss England and Letitia won!

The first series was in 2004 and Lisa Butcher was at the helm. Oh Lisa Butcher. Even pretending to be friends with Mica Paris couldn’t save your career.  The first group of girls were apparently put to the test, as Naomi tells us. This is illustrated by poorly shot footage of a frankly terrifying Paul Danan roaming through them. Naomi says that they set the mark. Naomi went on to become an actual model. She describes an ice cream challenge that I can’t remember but looks HILARIOUS. Naomi says that after the show she went on to Milan and the show helped her to deal with castings.  She’s now a jewellery designer. Apparently she’s had some stuff in Vogue. It looks one step up from what I imagine children make in American summer camp. She describes her awesome life which involves a scooter, castings, issues of Vogue and working away. Lucy Ratcliffe was the winner and winning gave her the confidence to follow her modelling dream. She’s done shows for Jay Lindberg, Michael Kors, Elle Saab and Jenny Packham, Various Fashion weeks and lots of magazine work. She’s found it amazing. She thinks the best thing about being a model is being the centre of attention. She now runs a rock and roll boutique with her husband in Spain. She’s had a child called Tiger so she’s mainly taken a step back from modelling to look after him. She pretends that Bintmodel has given her the tough love that she needed to come out of her shell and it’s prepared her for the modelling world. I know she’s lying when she says that the show is a true representation of the modelling world. She finishes by saying that she doesn’t know where she’d be without it.

Series 2 saw the arrival of Lisa Snowdon, bin bag dresses, dogs, chickens and rain. Lianna apparently went on to live the model dream and worked with Rankin and Lily Cole. Blessedly, she is absent from these proceedings and they wheel out her winners speech again.  I still want to punch her. Instead, we’re treated to Jasmia who came third and is in the British Invasion cycle.  Her experience was fantastic overall.  She was shy and subdued before the show and it brought her out of herself. Apparently, before the show she’d never even worn heels so everything is LERNIN. She’s apparently working on her new album which is Kylie meets Wiley (SHOOT YOURSELF) and her new single is dropping and it’s called Model Walk.  She’s going to take over the world . GOOD RUCK KID.

We are also reminded of Tamar from that series who must be doing something interesting as I barely remember her. Apparently they did a burlesque challenge with Immodesty Blaze and later Tamar auditioned for her and she remembered her. She’s now properly a Burlesque dancer. The show made her what she is today and she wouldn’t change a thing.

Also from that series is arguably the most famous of all the alumni, Abbey Clancy. Fearne describes her as bubbly and effervescent. She was on the show pre-Peter Crouch so much is made of her meeting and marrying him since. We even get a picture of her child. As soon as she came out of the house she became a WAG and ended up in the papers. She thinks the show helped her deal with this. She’s proud of being in Russian Vogue, Love Magazine and walking for “Giles” when pregnant and with even bigger boobs. She then says Matalan and Umbro really quietly.  She’s done some telly stuff too and it’s been amazing. She says it’s all down to Britain’s Next Top Model but doesn’t really sound convinced.

The adverts feature the British Invasion Promo funnily enough, but that’s not why we’re here. Fearne has now moved on to pondering what the girls from series three learned from their time on the show. Stefanie seems to be successful and has lots of international agents.  Rebecca is now a glamour model. The winner, Lauren is now a successful commercial model. She’s interviewed on a shoot in New York. She describes her career trajectory from building site to dining with beautiful people in Miami. Someone called Steven Haynes from Nevs Model Agency pops up to call her Commercial Dynamite because she has a body and hair. Lauren’s favourite bit about being a model is going abroad. HOW ORIGINAL. She’s even been in a Wanted video. She claims the show helped her grow as a person.

Next up we have Jodie Harsh and the series four girls.  Series four was apparently about fire, fashonistas and fun.  HA LOL REMEMBER WHEN THEY ROLLED AROUND IN KETCHUP!!1 Alex was the winner and Katherine second.  Alex was the actual worst before Bloody Anita. Steven Hayes thinks she’s a massive all rounder. She’s been in a Lynx advert and everything.  Fortunately, Alex is also apparently unavailable.

Series five saw a Top Model Bootcamp. Apparenty, this one was all about kissing. Well, apart from Mecia who doesn’t want to kiss a boy but is quite happy to kiss Fuckingsophie. As a brief aside, this series was the first one that I had twitter for and I mainly used twitter to rant about Fuckingsophie, who is the actual worst, more so than Bloody Anita could ever be. Seriously, I think she’s awful and I was never happier than when she lost until Alisha lost.  This series was also the series of Annalise (BRITISH INVASION KLAXON). She fondly remembers winning her challenge being interviewed by Johnny Vaughan. This is apt because she’s got her own radio show three days a week. She plays Banging Tracks. She’s good at talking apparently, but what the show taught her was to have dry, thick skin like an elephant. It made her strong and words can’t bring her down any more.

We see Jade McSorley. Remember when Jade was ROBBED? They decided in the last week that she was too thin. IN THE LAST WEEK. She was the total best model in the whole competition. You could also tell that FuckingSophie knew this and thought she had it in the bag once Jade was booted out and her face when Mecia won was PRICELESS so every cloud and that.  We re-witness her heartbreaking leaving speech about how she was glad she didn’t win because she realises that she’s too thin and she knows that she’s going to walk a catwalk again. I would question the motives behind having her on the show at all but she’s not responsible for her own exploitation so that they can have a Very Special Episode.  Yeah, I’m totally over it.  Jade has now reached a healthy weight and has been shot by Rankin. She’s been in Cosmopolitan and Vogue and has worked in Milan, Paris and Munich. She’s currently living and working in New York. She’s really pleased to be there and she would like to be on a billboard on Times Square. She credits the show for bringing her out of her comfort zone and making her see that the model dream was within reach. We see Jade going to a casting where a man tells her that she looks different in her pictures. She says the show gave her the knowledge that she could be a model and helped her prove things to herself. The man turns out to be Julien Miachon-Hobson who predicts big things for Jade in the future.  Hurrah!

Haha! Fuckingsophie only came second! Oh that will never, ever get old.  She remembers crying when she didn’t win. She thought it was the end of her life but it’s not! She’s back! Yay. No. She’s been on magazines, the ‘runway’ and around the globe. She remembers when she did ‘Britain’s’ thinking that underwater photo shoots would never happen in the real world but it ended up being one of the first jobs she booked.  Fuckingsophie is now on the same books as Cindy Crawford, Alek Wek and Kate Moss. But she didn’t win. HAHA! It was Mecia! She couldn’t believe that she’d actually won and was sure, along with Fuckingsophie, that Fuckingsophie would win, but her name was the one called. She remembers seeing her face on a magazine in the shops for the first time and  wondering if anyone would recognise her.  She’s in the latest Olly Murs video and thinks that the other girls will be jealous. Not me. She has also been saved from a career as a travel agent.

Next up is a little segment about all the places around the world the girls have been. This includes scenes from all the series.  Some look warmer than others. Jade Series seven remarks that her vista looks like a postcard. I don’t understand this bit.

On to series six. This is when Elle arrived and the budget was increased. This year was the one that started with a model academy. We see the girls crying at Elle then a bit about the shoots being more exciting than ever before. This was the series with Alisha. God, she’s annoying.  Another person who was annoying in that series was Kirsty, who is now the face of Sweaty Betty. She really likes working as a model and credits the show with getting her noticed as a model as the agencies didn’t want her before.  She felt the show put a little highlight on her personality and people liked her so they took her on. I think they must have been watching a different show.

In the actual worst category, we see Alisha crying for some reason or other. Perhaps it’s some kind of invented phobia or drama.  I don’t care to know. We see everyone crying when Charlotte, or Baby Elle as she called herself once as a joke, left, seeminglythrough no choice of Elle’s.  Charlotte’s career has apparently been mixed. She’s been working ever since. She’s the bum and legs for Per Una and she’s currently Miss Devon and now Miss England.  I think she deserves it.

We’re reminded of the terrible live final and how the viewers chose the winner. For some reason, I’m wondering how you’re all feeling. How are you feeling? This was the series that contained my undoubtedly favourite Top Model contestant and perhaps my favourite reality TV contestant EVER, Joy.  She came third in a travesty that has yet to be rivalled.  Lucy Brown from Models 1 tells us that they pursued Joy after the show ended because she’s just that awesome. She’s got a brilliant career. She is on the show and is interviewed from her home in Hong Kong which is great because it’s really different and there’s lots of good jobs out there. IN YOUR FACE, EVERYONE ELSE. Emmanuelle Pouliquen from Synergy Model Management tells us that Joy is the best kind of model because she can do everything. She’s worked with Tom Ford, Hermes, Dolce e Gabanna and Calvin Klein. She’s been in Elle, Look and Harpers Bazaar and has done both London and Paris fashion week. She’s basically winning at modelling. The show finds her doing a night shoot in Hong Kong for winter jackets. She tells us that it’s weird to look back on how she used to live on a council estate in Leeds and now she’s travelling the world. She doesn’t specifically thank the show. That, in case you didn’t know, is all the reason you need to love her right there.

Joy wasn’t the winner, oh no, it was underwater voiced Tuffunuh who was the “worthy” winner.  WUNNING HUS CHANGED HUR LIFE COMPLETLEY. IT WUS DEFUNUTLY THE BUST EXPURIENCE SHE’S UVER HUD.  She moved to London after winning and has shot all over the world for global brands.  Now she’s got her own swimwear line which she’s also modelling. Before she was a model she wanted to be a designer. She credits the show with opening doors for her and she’s still getting butterflies when she does stuff. BORED.

We’re on to the seventh series now, which contained the three ill advised weeks of auditions. This was so ill advised that we get a segment dedicated to the show’s only “lets laugh at the deluded person” contestant, the marvellous Tania Roxanna Federenco.  We get to see Anastasija flashing Elle, Tanya having a water based meltdown and Imogen being upstaged by a bird of prey again.  It’s Imogen we catch up with first.  We’re reminded that she promised that she would knock on doors until someone took her in and we find out someone has! Steven Haynes, remember him? Keep up, tells us that she’s well known for her body and does a lot of online stuff, which doesn’t seem suspicious at all.  Her life has changed since being on the show. She used to have a 9-5 job and now she doesn’t.

But she wasn’t the winner. The winner was Jade. When she won she went to Ireland after, then had to go to Glasgow to give a Mobo award with no rehearsal. Then she went to the Pride Of Britain awards and Cheryl Cole knew who she was and she didn’t sleep for a week. This section feels a little bit like a four year old telling you about their day.  We see Jade do a shoot for Schwarzkopf with TUFFUNUH and she goes on about how amazing it is to work with the brand and the competition has helped her out because she’s doing the stuff that she did in the competition but it’s not a competition so she can relax and do her job. TAKE A BLOODY BREATH WOMAN. That’s actually how she talks. The Schwarzkopf lady tells us that booking the Bintmodel girls is a no brainer for them because they have the same target audience and why wouldn’t they capitalise on that? I’m paraphrasing of course. Lucy from Models 1 is really excited about Jade because she’s so different because she has freckles and a body. The clients love her too. She’s done shoots for Levis and Swansea Life magazine. Levis love her because she’s unique and striking and this goes well with their brand. She’s also just done a campaign for Julien McDonald at Debenhams and she’s shocked that she’s the first contestant that he’s booked. This makes her feel special. The show has changed her life for the better because she’s now in London being a model.

There now follows another montage about challenges and photoshoots, which are designed to prepare them for the modelling world. After being on the show, there is apparently nothing that they can’t do.  The things they can do include wearing hats, ice skating, having maracas shaken at them, dealing with Janice Dickinson, riding donkeys and being hot.  Nicky Johnston the photographer basically admits to getting them to do ridiculous things under the guise of giving them experience. We see Ashley from series five trying to eat sheeps brain in Sweden. Again, your British Invasion alarm should be going off. The other things they have learned are dancing, smashing pretend bottles and being underwater. We also see Lisa Snowdon tell Series 3 Stefanie not to panic when she’s being sent underwater and that totally cures her except it doesn’t. Someone is on a crane for no reason and we’re reminded of the time in Series 6 where Kirsty had to be covered in chocolate whilst hungover which was BRILLIANT, followed by Joy saying a very bad word on live television.

Fearne’s back. She tells us that the road to victory not only takes good face but also needs a thick skin.  This is mainly about the judges. Annalise series five tells us that being judged was the hardest part of the whole thing. We see series four’s Rachael Cairns who I’d forgotten about having a total meltdown. She was the actual worst too. Jade McSorley interviews about how intense the judging was, as does Kirsty series six. Imogen series 7 tells us that eliminations make her arms sweat. We see a judge who I can’t remember being a bitch. Wikipedia tells me she’s Paula Hamilton.  I get lost in Wikipedia for a while.  I come back and see someone whose name for the life of me I can’t remember though I remember she was awesome being called a bitch by the judges. We see Gerry DeVaux tell Alex S4 she can’t dress and Nicky Johnstone tell Viola (S5) that she looks dead. Huggy tells Fuckingsophie (S5) that she looks like a Girls Aloud stand in which is frankly an insult to Girls Aloud. Next is Grace Woodward telling Amba (S6) not to be boring and Julien telling Alisha (S6) she looks like a drag queen. Ha! Next is Charley calling Tanya S7 plain and finally we have Elle telling Amy S7 that she was the hardest to shoot. Way to be a bitch, Elle! You can add that to the stuff that you’re rubbish at.

Next up, makeovers and fights! Totally saving the best for last.

We return to a montage of people having their hair cut off. Fearne tells us that one of the biggest challenges is trusting the professionals with giving them a new look. Especially if the person deciding on it is Julien. It’s emotional but necessary and takes a bit of getting used to.  Lee Pycroft, the chief makeup artist tells us that they really have to help the girls embody their new look. To illustrate this, we see Anastasija getting her hair dyed pink. Fuckingsophie tells us in voiceover that there’s always someone who cries and remembers some people having massive, full on  hurricane sobs.

Annalise tells us about Maddie in series five who wanted a drastic new look and went from long and blonde to short and red and wept excessively because her hair made people look at her fat thighs. She’s later seen in judging talking about how much she likes it. Then we get to relive TUFFUNUH’S makeover from series six where she cried for a week. Charlotte remembers it fondly. TUFFUNUH tells us that she still can’t watch it.  It’s now Juste series seven’s turn to get the chop and she weeps through her long blonde hair getting turned short and dark.  Lee Pycroft pops up again to tell us she’s always right.

Finally FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Fearne tells us that loads of girls are bound to find it hard to live together.  She’s so wise.  We see Catherine and Fuckingsophie doing some shouting and Annalise slamming a door. Abbey Clancy tells us that if all the girls are striving to be the best, there’s bound to be murder and there was. This is illustrated by Abbey telling us that she ended up in the final four with bitches from hell and we see her having an argument with Jasmia whilst eating her breakfast. Classeh.  Jasmia said that this was down to being in each other’s faces. Stefanie series 3 said that being in the house tested her personality to the limit and w e see Carly having a massive argument with her. Rebecca remembers how bitchy the house was and we see a massive argument erupt between Rebecca and someone whose name I can’t remember which culminates in a wine glass being smashed.  Rebecca remembers this being a massive mistake because it wasn’t top model behaviour. Being in the house made her respect other’s opinions more and helped her grow up. I can’t believe they’re crediting the show with all this.

Next up, Annalise series 5 remembers Ashley as the biggest trouble maker. Ashley interviews that honesty is the best policy. Heh. Mecia remembers little things adding up to wind her up then ending in confrontation. We see Mecia and Ashley arguing.  Ashley interviews that when she watched it back she understands that she came across as aggressive and she’s a much nicer person now just in time for the British Invasion. We now have one of the wonderful Tanya vs. Everyone moments from Series 7. This is the Anastasija edition.  Jade is called upon to answer this. She says that everyone was arguing because they wanted the same things. This speech from the Jade bubble is interspersed with Tanya calling Anastasija “lower than dirt” and Anastaija making her ‘you’ll keep till later’ face.  Jade talks about backstabbing and friendships being made but she can look back and see that it’s the BEST THING SHE EVER DID.

The voice of Fearne finishes proceedings by telling us that Bintmodel gives the girls an invaluable insight into the world of fashion and it’s an inspirational adventure they’ll never forget. Lucy is proud to be the first ever winner because it pushed her and made her more confident. Rebecca will never forget her experience. It made Tamar who she is today. Anastasija remembers everything. Charlotte thinks the show prepared her for the real world. Jade McSorely wonders what her life would be like if she never auditioned and she’s so glad she did. Ashley thinks it’s a good platform for further work and it’s been amazing.  Abbey Clancy thinks it’s weird that she went from a little girl who wanted to be a model who took the advice she got on the show to being papped and being a grown up. The show is credited with this, not her marriage to a Premier league footballer. Imogen can’t believe that a year ago she was sitting in a pub and now she’s a working model.  Lauren McAvoy feels blessed that the show has changed her life. Jade tears up when she looks back because she can’t believe she’s part of the top model family. She wants to do it all again.

But that’s not it, we see Letitia win again and shoot her Revlon Campaign. She can’t believe it etc. Goodness only knows who it will be next time! Goodness only knows if we can put ourselves through this again. We’ll see. So until then... Goodbye. 

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